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(Slate)   "My husband does not want us to get pregnant unless I quit my job, and I don't think--yes, he said 'us' even though I'm the one who carries the child and will ultimately be responsible for the pregnancy and childcare, why do you ask?"   (slate.com) divider line
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324 clicks; posted to Discussion » on 03 Feb 2022 at 12:35 PM (20 weeks ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook



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2022-02-03 11:48:08 AM  
My husband works long hours and is miserable at his job. I work slightly less, and I am generally happy with my job. We both work most evenings and many weekends, which makes it difficult to cook, clean, spend quality time together, etc. We've spent over a year trying to have a baby and now have some embryos from IVF.

1st, I see that with all that work, your body is probably really stressed out and that might be a reason for not being able to spawn something.

2nd. Outline how much you think it's going to cost to have a child.  Compare the cost of working vs not working including the cost of daycare.  Unfortunately the government seems to care more about conception process, but not the follow thru.

Obviously there is a lot more, but that would be a start.
 
2022-02-03 11:53:54 AM  
My husband won't agree to try a transfer until we both have different jobs because he can't imagine a child being brought into this environment.

You have other things to take care of first. Alternately, somebody needs to reassess priorities.
 
2022-02-03 12:08:34 PM  
What's the issue with "us". That sounds like a pretty healthy way to approach pregnancy decisions?
 
2022-02-03 12:11:41 PM  

Gubbo: What's the issue with "us". That sounds like a pretty healthy way to approach pregnancy decisions?


You sound like someone who has never been around a pregnant woman before.
 
2022-02-03 12:14:20 PM  

AlgaeRancher: Gubbo: What's the issue with "us". That sounds like a pretty healthy way to approach pregnancy decisions?

You sound like someone who has never been around a pregnant woman before.


Well, no. But in my example this would occur before she was pregnant.

I know enough to just do what I'm told when someone is pregnant. And dont turn my nose up at whatever food cravings they may have.
 
2022-02-03 12:14:46 PM  

Gubbo: What's the issue with "us". That sounds like a pretty healthy way to approach pregnancy decisions?


Speaking only as a matter of my opinion, saying "We" are pregnant always annoys me.  He's not pregnant at all.  He's not carrying the child, taking risks to his health, going through the dangerous process of birth...  He basically was responsible for the f*cking.  Hopefully - and by no means is this guaranteed - he will accept the responsibility for parenting, providing for the child and supporting the woman, who is almost always stuck with the work.

So, no.  He's not pregnant, she is.  They are going to have a child.  I know many people see it as a pedantic difference, but to me, using the medical term for it diminishes the importance of the risk the woman takes in pregnancy.
 
2022-02-03 12:18:06 PM  

Benevolent Misanthrope: So, no.  He's not pregnant, she is.  They are going to have a child.  I know many people see it as a pedantic difference, but to me, using the medical term for it diminishes the importance of the risk the woman takes in pregnancy.


Ten years ago this thread would have been full of hot takes about how if he doesn't see the pregnancy as an Us Issue then he isn't taking full responsibility.  Round and around and around we go.
 
2022-02-03 12:20:17 PM  

Benevolent Misanthrope: He basically was responsible for the f*cking.


IVF...."Wacking off in a tube"
 
2022-02-03 12:24:05 PM  

Gubbo: AlgaeRancher: Gubbo: What's the issue with "us". That sounds like a pretty healthy way to approach pregnancy decisions?

You sound like someone who has never been around a pregnant woman before.

Well, no. But in my example this would occur before she was pregnant.

I know enough to just do what I'm told when someone is pregnant. And dont turn my nose up at whatever food cravings they may have.


Pretty good, but also expect to have your status in the relationship seriously downgraded for a few years. This is an unpleasant experience, it makes complete sense but is not fun.
 
2022-02-03 12:25:44 PM  

WickerNipple: Benevolent Misanthrope: So, no.  He's not pregnant, she is.  They are going to have a child.  I know many people see it as a pedantic difference, but to me, using the medical term for it diminishes the importance of the risk the woman takes in pregnancy.

Ten years ago this thread would have been full of hot takes about how if he doesn't see the pregnancy as an Us Issue then he isn't taking full responsibility.  Round and around and around we go.


10 years ago, I was of the same opinion as I am now.  <shrug>  Unless the dad is carrying the child, he's not pregnant.
 
2022-02-03 12:32:10 PM  

AlgaeRancher: Gubbo: AlgaeRancher: Gubbo: What's the issue with "us". That sounds like a pretty healthy way to approach pregnancy decisions?

You sound like someone who has never been around a pregnant woman before.

Well, no. But in my example this would occur before she was pregnant.

I know enough to just do what I'm told when someone is pregnant. And dont turn my nose up at whatever food cravings they may have.

Pretty good, but also expect to have your status in the relationship seriously downgraded for a few years. This is an unpleasant experience, it makes complete sense but is not fun.


Well I am happily on the no kids ever bandwagon, so I'm not stressing myself out over it too much.

On the bright side, not being a woman, I can have this attitude and nobody wonders what is wrong with me. Which is nice.
 
2022-02-03 12:44:20 PM  

Benevolent Misanthrope: Gubbo: What's the issue with "us". That sounds like a pretty healthy way to approach pregnancy decisions?

Speaking only as a matter of my opinion, saying "We" are pregnant always annoys me.  He's not pregnant at all.  He's not carrying the child, taking risks to his health, going through the dangerous process of birth...  He basically was responsible for the f*cking.  Hopefully - and by no means is this guaranteed - he will accept the responsibility for parenting, providing for the child and supporting the woman, who is almost always stuck with the work.

So, no.  He's not pregnant, she is.  They are going to have a child.  I know many people see it as a pedantic difference, but to me, using the medical term for it diminishes the importance of the risk the woman takes in pregnancy.


Do you consider a hot dog to be a sandwich?
 
2022-02-03 12:51:29 PM  

Subtonic: Benevolent Misanthrope:

Do you consider a hot dog to be a sandwich?


If the hot dog is a man and a women, then yes.  Just a man, then no.
 
2022-02-03 12:57:04 PM  

1015or50: Subtonic: Benevolent Misanthrope:

Do you consider a hot dog to be a sandwich?

If the hot dog is a man and a women, then yes.  Just a man, then no.


What if the man is holding a taco?
 
2022-02-03 12:58:08 PM  

WickerNipple: Benevolent Misanthrope: So, no.  He's not pregnant, she is.  They are going to have a child.  I know many people see it as a pedantic difference, but to me, using the medical term for it diminishes the importance of the risk the woman takes in pregnancy.

Ten years ago this thread would have been full of hot takes about how if he doesn't see the pregnancy as an Us Issue then he isn't taking full responsibility.  Round and around and around we go.


As long as you realize that the man is always wrong. That's what important, apparently.
 
2022-02-03 1:02:19 PM  

Benevolent Misanthrope: WickerNipple: Benevolent Misanthrope: So, no.  He's not pregnant, she is.  They are going to have a child.  I know many people see it as a pedantic difference, but to me, using the medical term for it diminishes the importance of the risk the woman takes in pregnancy.

Ten years ago this thread would have been full of hot takes about how if he doesn't see the pregnancy as an Us Issue then he isn't taking full responsibility.  Round and around and around we go.

10 years ago, I was of the same opinion as I am now.  <shrug>  Unless the dad is carrying the child, he's not pregnant.


He could be Tenctonese.

Age check.
 
2022-02-03 1:07:28 PM  

Subtonic: 1015or50: Subtonic: Benevolent Misanthrope:

Do you consider a hot dog to be a sandwich?

If the hot dog is a man and a women, then yes.  Just a man, then no.

What if the man is holding a taco?


Depends. If he used catsup, then no.  If he used ketchup, then in depends on if he has a pop or soda.  Better sit down on the davenport because this next part gets long.
 
2022-02-03 1:08:36 PM  
Have you thought about the butt stuff option?
 
2022-02-03 1:11:32 PM  

Subtonic: Benevolent Misanthrope: Gubbo: What's the issue with "us". That sounds like a pretty healthy way to approach pregnancy decisions?

Speaking only as a matter of my opinion, saying "We" are pregnant always annoys me.  He's not pregnant at all.  He's not carrying the child, taking risks to his health, going through the dangerous process of birth...  He basically was responsible for the f*cking.  Hopefully - and by no means is this guaranteed - he will accept the responsibility for parenting, providing for the child and supporting the woman, who is almost always stuck with the work.

So, no.  He's not pregnant, she is.  They are going to have a child.  I know many people see it as a pedantic difference, but to me, using the medical term for it diminishes the importance of the risk the woman takes in pregnancy.

Do you consider a hot dog to be a sandwich?


Depends.  But I should warn you - whether or not it's a sandwich, I do use condiments and occasionally chop hot dogs up and cook them with sauerkraut as well.  :P
 
2022-02-03 1:18:52 PM  
"don't worry your little head honey. we'll find someone poorer than us to raise our child, it'll work out great for everyone. you continue pushing paper in a cubicle for the rest of your life, because it's soooo fulfilling to have a job that doesn't involve raising your own child. it's the American way!"

/s
//sorta
 
2022-02-03 1:53:07 PM  

Subtonic: 1015or50: Subtonic: Benevolent Misanthrope:

Do you consider a hot dog to be a sandwich?

If the hot dog is a man and a women, then yes.  Just a man, then no.

What if the man is holding a taco?


That's when you use the taco holders

Fark user imageView Full Size
 
2022-02-03 2:05:48 PM  
1) Take This Job And Shove It: Here's the thing, until the kid is in school, weekends don't really matter exactly if you have days off.  What I'm seeing implied is that this is work that spills over into evenings and weekends which is bad.  But more to the point, planning is nice, but things don't always go according to plan.  Trying to make things perfect for the child may never happen because shiat happens.  Tell him to STFU and GTHOI and if he won't, DTMFA.

2) I Sit Around And Watch The Tube, But Nothing's On: So you want to DTMFA, but want to soften the blow?  Let me rephrase this.  I'm going to hurt someone but I don't want to hurt them badly, how? Sounds worse, but should give perspective that you just need to rip the bandage off.

3) Whoa Oh, Whoa I'm, Really Inactive: Yeah, that's screaming poorly treated depression.  GTHOY and do what it takes to get healthy.

4) She's A Mystery To Me: She decided to DTMFA.  And rightly so.  GTHOI.

5) You Think You Know Somebody: I wouldn't beat yourself up about knowing the true extent of his bad behavior.  And It's OK to mourn.  And I agree with Prudie about therapy.  Having said that and with similar experience within my own family, the information should be spread.  He's clearly a danger to others.

6) Step On A Crack.  Break Your Mother's Back (Stump Prudie): I'll start by advising you look into getting disability benefits.  If your medical condition is that bad, you should pursue.  Not that it's easy, but likely necessary.  Anyone mother who drops kids off for babysitting unannounced without a reason or an estimate deserves a solid KHITBASH.  And double for turning off phones.  Stand your ground.

7) [Pronoun Trouble.gif]: Boy this one feels especially made up.  Thing is, as the link in TFA indicates, there's no established English word for someone that gives birth to a child that isn't a female/mother.  So y'all best get to picking one.  You also best be getting ready to out yourself lest the child do it for you.

8) You Know What, Stuart, I Like You.  You're Not Like The Other People, Here, In The Trailer Park (Classic): Things is if it got there to begin with, it'll come back.  I can promise you this.  They want to believe this otherwise they'll have to actually think and re-evaluate their own biases and they can't be having that.  Sorry.  STFU and GTHOI.
 
2022-02-03 2:23:21 PM  
If she's working weekends as well as during the week and has the ability to change to a job which doesn't have that then she should. People grossly underestimate how much time children really take which is why in Seattle you see people with 3 nannies and who spend only an hour or less a day with their children. I honestly don't even understand why people like that have children. When I was nannying full time I was there from 7-7 every day and the kids barely saw their parents. Making enough to live is necessary but "prestigious promotions" so you can make tons of money while ignoring your kids is stupid. That said...maybe he should quit his job and be a stay at home parent. But regardless she should find a job that doesn't work more than 40 hours a week.
 
2022-02-03 2:46:23 PM  
I can only say what my wife and I chose. She left her career options open for after the baby was born, and thought she might be able to come back to work full time or nearly full-time in the daily rat race.

Our first was an emergency c-section, and she was laid up a lot longer in recovery than we'd planned on.

When it came around to thinking about her returning to work, we looked at how much we could lean on in-laws for support/daycare, and though I had the best mother-in-law in the world, ever, we couldn't count on enough of that because her mom was so old, and mine was too far away.

We ran the numbers for paid day care, and compared it to what she was making before the pregnancy. Costs going out would barely meet the second income coming in, and we'd be paying someone else to raise our kids, basically (we ended up with 3). It just didn't make sense to work so hard and never see the kids just to pay for someone else to raise our kids, so, she retired from work, but does occasional freelance out of the home. It was the best overall strategy for us. YMMV   We did discuss it before we started a family that I was willing to stay home, and let her be the breadwinner, if she could make more money than me, but that's kind of a rare situation.
 
2022-02-03 2:54:54 PM  

Gubbo: What's the issue with "us". That sounds like a pretty healthy way to approach pregnancy decisions?


It's UterUS, not Uter-YOU.
 
2022-02-03 4:32:09 PM  
Yeah, if my wife and I ever have kids, she's going to stay home and I will probably work three jobs.
 
2022-02-03 5:37:33 PM  

ace in your face: That said...maybe he should quit his job and be a stay at home parent. But regardless she should find a job that doesn't work more than 40 hours a week.


My guess is that if they could afford for him to drop his job, he would have. Considering the letter says the job makes him miserable and he works long hours. Her job, even after the promotion, probably won't pay for the bills they have now. Let alone when there is a child added to the equation.
 
2022-02-03 5:39:24 PM  

Gubbo: What's the issue with "us". That sounds like a pretty healthy way to approach pregnancy decisions?


"us" is fine for broad discussions of having children and childcare and so on.

"us" is not fine when discussing pregnancy unless both parties have uteri that are getting involved. He's not pregnant. He's not dealing with the single most deadly act to half the species.

"We are having a child, she is pregnant." See the difference?
 
2022-02-03 5:55:13 PM  

Ringshadow: Gubbo: What's the issue with "us". That sounds like a pretty healthy way to approach pregnancy decisions?

"us" is fine for broad discussions of having children and childcare and so on.

"us" is not fine when discussing pregnancy unless both parties have uteri that are getting involved. He's not pregnant. He's not dealing with the single most deadly act to half the species.

"We are having a child, she is pregnant." See the difference?


It is only "the single most deadly act to half the species" in third world countries. Not world wide. Definitely not in the country the writer is from.
 
2022-02-03 6:02:04 PM  

DerAppie: ace in your face: That said...maybe he should quit his job and be a stay at home parent. But regardless she should find a job that doesn't work more than 40 hours a week.

My guess is that if they could afford for him to drop his job, he would have. Considering the letter says the job makes him miserable and he works long hours. Her job, even after the promotion, probably won't pay for the bills they have now. Let alone when there is a child added to the equation.


IVF isn't cheap. They aren't poor if that's what they are working with.
 
2022-02-03 6:24:03 PM  

DerAppie: It is only "the single most deadly act to half the species" in third world countries. Not world wide. Definitely not in the country the writer is from.


No.

It's the single most deadly act for basically the entirety of human history. It's the largest killer of uteri owners until the last century or so, AND EVEN THEN, America has GARBAGE maternal survival rate.

"In third world countries." YEAH OKAY BRO. Look at that list and you tell me. Russia has a better survival rate than we do. RUSSIA FOR GODS SAKE.

Oh, and the numbers are worse for POC. Way worse.

/we also have garbage infant survival
 
2022-02-03 7:05:10 PM  

Ringshadow: DerAppie: It is only "the single most deadly act to half the species" in third world countries. Not world wide. Definitely not in the country the writer is from.

No.

It's the single most deadly act for basically the entirety of human history. It's the largest killer of uteri owners until the last century or so,


"Entire human history" doesn't count for people who get pregnant now. There is literally no reason, other than demagogy, to claim childbirth is dangerous just because a hundred or more years ago a lot of women died of it. Things have improved quite a bit.

AND EVEN THEN, America has GARBAGE maternal survival rate.
"In third world countries." YEAH OKAY BRO. Look at that list and you tell me. Russia has a better survival rate than we do. RUSSIA FOR GODS SAKE.
Oh, and the numbers are worse for POC. Way worse.

/we also have garbage infant survival


Other nations scoring better also does not make it the single most deadly act.

I'm going to ignore the rest because you already admitted childbirth hasn't been the greatest cause of mortality for women for the last 100 years. Thanks for agreeing with me.

/"We" is also a bit of a misnomer u less you mean your nation
//Since where I'm from we're at 0.005%
 
2022-02-04 4:05:21 AM  

ace in your face: DerAppie: ace in your face: That said...maybe he should quit his job and be a stay at home parent. But regardless she should find a job that doesn't work more than 40 hours a week.

My guess is that if they could afford for him to drop his job, he would have. Considering the letter says the job makes him miserable and he works long hours. Her job, even after the promotion, probably won't pay for the bills they have now. Let alone when there is a child added to the equation.

IVF isn't cheap. They aren't poor if that's what they are working with.


"Not poor" isn't the same as "can live on only her income."

The job is making him miserable so he isn't doing it for the fun of it.
 
2022-02-04 3:55:36 PM  

Benevolent Misanthrope: Subtonic: Benevolent Misanthrope: Gubbo: What's the issue with "us". That sounds like a pretty healthy way to approach pregnancy decisions?

Speaking only as a matter of my opinion, saying "We" are pregnant always annoys me.  He's not pregnant at all.  He's not carrying the child, taking risks to his health, going through the dangerous process of birth...  He basically was responsible for the f*cking.  Hopefully - and by no means is this guaranteed - he will accept the responsibility for parenting, providing for the child and supporting the woman, who is almost always stuck with the work.

So, no.  He's not pregnant, she is.  They are going to have a child.  I know many people see it as a pedantic difference, but to me, using the medical term for it diminishes the importance of the risk the woman takes in pregnancy.

Do you consider a hot dog to be a sandwich?

Depends.  But I should warn you - whether or not it's a sandwich, I do use condiments and occasionally chop hot dogs up and cook them with sauerkraut as well.  :P


Have I got a recipe for you! It's one of my guilty pleasures (though I use whole wheat bread on the bottom because I prefer the taste). I do recommend using a toaster oven and putting it outside if you can though.
Fark user imageView Full Size


Mmmmm, kraut dog pie...
 
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