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(YouTube)   In honor of Trevor Noah's explanation of "West Elm Caleb," share your bad date stories   ( divider line
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299 clicks; posted to Discussion » on 25 Jan 2022 at 1:05 PM (17 weeks ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook

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2022-01-25 1:23:10 PM  
Story is way too long to type out at the moment, but I'll give some keywords/highlights. Keep in mind this was one night.

Late 90's
Rocky Horror
Last Unicorn
Homeless in NYC
Stretch marks from birth
Sick mother (hers)
"You're old enough to buy me drinks."
"Can you drive me to my boyfriend's apt?"
2022-01-25 1:23:11 PM  
I heard about this riding in the car with my wife listening to the Andy Cohen show and some woman went on and on about women who went on dates with West Elm Caleb and it was the most boring thing I've ever heard in my life, and I've seen Manos: Hands of Fate.
2022-01-25 1:38:04 PM  
Worst date:
--Went out with ex-girlfriend, thinking we could rekindle something (already firing on all cylinders, here)
--She didn't tell me she had a broken leg until the day of the date, so the hike I planned went out the window
--Quickly decided on late lunch and a movie, only thing nearby is in sketchy part of town
--Inhaled my meal in like 15 minutes, asked if she wanted the rest of her food (I'm a classy gent)
--While eating her dinner, talking her ear off, and gesticulating wildly, I somehow managed to bite down hard enough on my fork to chip a front tooth
--Wild West saloon *record scratch* moment as I cry out in pain and drop a fork full of spaghetti on the floor
--Run to bathroom to inspect chipped tooth, slip and fall on the way back to the table
--Search plate of now-cold spaghetti for piece of tooth, can't find it
--Take her to see the only movie that still had tickets available: Hostel
--Get lost on the way back to her house
--Kiss goodnight in the car: awkward angle because of her near full-leg cast, and her tongue is reminiscent of a fish strapped to an oscillating fan

I did not pass GO, I did not collect $200.
2022-01-25 1:51:39 PM  
Aziz Ansari probably wins the award.
2022-01-25 2:07:51 PM  
I went out to meet a girl on her birthday, but she was passed out drunk in her car by the time I got there.  I left a note.
2022-01-25 2:11:45 PM  

dittybopper: I went out to meet a girl on her birthday, but she was passed out drunk in her car by the time I got there.  I left a note.

Worked out in the end, though.  We started dating, moved in together, got married, still married today.  That bad date was roughly 30 years ago.
2022-01-25 2:12:58 PM  
Senior in high school.  Elizabeth asked me out.  She was cute and smart, with thick curly auburn hair.

She asked me to go with her to see Chekhov's Three Sisters. I knew Anton Chekhov was a Russian playwright, but had no idea what I was in for.

It was a three and a half hour play that bored me to tears.  But Elizabeth smelled great.  Fantastic.  Not perfume, just soap and her natural scent.  (I inherited my grandmother's exceptionally keen sense of smell.)

After four acts, of sitting next to her, I was hornier than hell and bored stiff.

She dropped me off and I wanted a kiss.  In that awkward goodbye moment, I leaned over to give her a kiss on the lips, but she turned her cheek at the last second and I clumsily slobbered all over her cheek.  Oops.

I bolted.

I still cringe over that one.
2022-01-25 2:13:07 PM  
Got married.
2022-01-25 3:12:36 PM  
Bad at the time, but now it's one of our origin stories.  On our second date we were goofing around, he was chasing me with a blanket, I was running away, decided to go to the backyard to wrestle it away from him, didn't realize the sliding glass door was closed.  Not safety glass.  64 stitches and a slightly broken nose, and he had to call my mom (he hadn't met my parents yet) to get my insurance information.

/married 31 years
2022-01-25 3:24:42 PM  
1979.  Worked my tail off to take my beautiful Black girlfriend out for a romantic meal at the Hotel Del Coronado in San Diego (where some of the film Some Like It Hot was shot).  Midway through the meal, a very drunk man approached our table and said to me, "Why are you feeding that n*gg*r?"  (I'm White, just for context.)

The red mist descended.  I calmly stood up, twisted his arm up his back and marched him outside to the parking lot. He identified his car for me and I helped him get into it.  Through the window.  Which was still rolled up at the time.

I then went back inside and sat back down to order our desserts.  My GF was upset but determined to put it behind us.  Right up to the point when two coppers came in and arrested me.  (I knew dessert was a mistake.). A night in the cells for the drunk and I followed.  Needless to say it destroyed the romance of the evening, and my GF dumped me shortly afterwards.
2022-01-25 3:45:14 PM  
I showed up.
There are probably a few people who would consider that a bad date story.
2022-01-25 3:54:24 PM  
Drove about 20 miles along a 50mph 2-lane road in the boonies to pick a girl up at her gramma house, where she was house-and-dog watching. About a mile from the subdivision, a dog darted out in front of me. I didn't want to swerve into a deep ditch on either side, so did a quick maneuver to try and avoid but heard it roll around the wheel well. Stopped, checked it out, it appeared pretty dead. I looked around for a house, saw none, so left it there in case owners looked for it.

Navigate to girls house, it was one of 5 in a court that all belonged to her family - cousins, gramma, uncles. Everyone was out of their house, it looked like something was going on, when I got over to her she started crying that she couldn't find her grandma's dog. I asked her to describe it, but the sickly feeling in my stomach told me what I already knew - yep, I'd hit her dog.

I asked her to get in my car and we'd go look for it, when she got in I told her what happened. She started flipping out, but I took her to the carcass anyway. We get to the dog, she continued to freak out, I got a blanket out of trunk, wrapped the dog in it and we drove back to her family's compound. I popped the trunk to face the music from her auto-mechanic-looking uncles, and the dog leaps out of the trunk and begins barking at me. I thought the girl would do me a solid and say we found Lazarus just like that, but she ratted me out to everyone. I took her and the dog to the nearest vet that was open on Saturday night, it was at least 40 miles away. Cost me $150 for x-rays, but there was nothing wrong with him.

All's well that ends well. Relationship lasted 2 months.
2022-01-25 4:53:55 PM  
9 minutes of a rant that should have been 2 minutes? Why bother.

Went on a date with a girl, got trashed at the bar, started making out right there. Walking back to her place she wanted me to fuxk her on the hood of a car. I declined. Got to her house and she told me that she was still in love with her ex and wanted me to fuxk her the way he did. Ummm... Yeah... Awkward... Happily she passed out about 5 minutes later so I put a glass of water next to her bed, put my boots back on (never got to the pants off stage) and quietly made my exit. Bullet dodged.
2022-01-25 4:55:00 PM  

All's well that ends well. Relationship lasted 2 months.

So what you're saying is, you performed a hit an run on her "kitty" too?
2022-01-25 5:10:56 PM  
CSB...North Potomac, MD Circa  2003

The set up:

In the mid 90's I was in an alternative rock band. The drummer had a step sister who was a bar-tender at one of the bars we played at weekly. I was married at the time, but that didn't stop her from being smitten with me.

From time to time, she would get me free drinks and when we weren't playing I would sit at the bar and talk to her. She was nice, had a great body and we seemed to have a lot in common. I liked her as a friend.

She had it rough, in an abusive relationship with a BF that beat her semi regularly, she had some health issues, and was not surprisingly on welfare and had a young daughter to tend to. Because she did not have a car, from time to time, she would call and ask me to take her on errands.

She let it be known that she liked me and one day while taking her to the DMV, I took her to lunch at Wendy's. Now, she knew I was married, but that didn't stop her, and I was getting worried that she would cause trouble. I tried to keep my distance. But she kept calling me for rides.

Sitting at the table, she takes her foot and rubs my crotch. "I could give you a BJ right here, right now under this table if you wanted." She told me. Surprised and embarrassed, I reminded her I was married and that under the table wasn't the best idea. Funny, I had never met a girl before that was so, forward. I was impressed and worried at the same time.

Well, a year or so later, I was having marital issues with my wife and we wound up getting divorced. I quickly moved out of state to re-start my life. I quit the band, packed up and moved 2 states away. I lost contact with her, and the band.

I get married a 2nd time and several years later, I am divorced from her and as luck had it, moved back to my original state. I had told the drummer of my return in hopes to getting our band reunited and he told his step sister I was moving back to town.

Sure enough one day out of nowhere I get an e-mail from her asking me to take her out on a date. "Oh its been so long, blah, blah, blah." I ignored it.

I was just settling in being a bachelor and single and enjoying being alone. Didn't want to date, or have a girlfriend and this went on for a year or so before I started getting lonely. Not much of a dater or experienced with the dating scene, I was getting frustrated trying to find a date.

That's when the phone rang. It was Cissy, the drummer's step-sister calling. She called to see if I would come up to her place, and take her out on a date. I really didn't want to. But she talked me into it.

The Actual CSB:
It was winter time, and I drove the 45 mins to her house. Turns out, she was living with her daughter's boyfriend at his father's house. She was paying him with sex for rent.

I show up at the house and mind you haven't seen her for a decade or so, and she comes down the stairs and looks at me, gives me a hug and tells me she's going to run back upstairs and change out of her current shirt. "It's too much, and my bra hurts, I'm going to put on a t-shirt and take off my bra ok?" and she runs back upstairs.

She comes back in a brand new Spinal Tap t-shirt and she shakes her chest so her boobs flop around. "Oh that's better. I got new nipple piercings recently and sometimes my bras hurt. Are we ready for Denny's?"
We get in the car and head over to Denny's. While there she tells me all the troubles she's in. How she's poor, on welfare and a whole host of physical pain she's in. How her hysterectomy has gone bad, and now the kicker, how she was raped by 3 guys behind a local  7-11 just the weekend before. It was too much negativity and I wanted no part of it.

We finished our meal and I drove her back home, dropped her off and went home. Hoping this would be the last time I would see her.


A week later she calls again. "Oh, I had so much fun with you last week, take me out again!" I declined and once again, Mr. Penis talked me into saying yes.

So, I go back to her place, pick her up and this time we go to Applebee's. We're sitting at a table near the bar, she knows all the male staff in there, they stop by say "Hi Cissy" smile at me and continue with their day. Cissy is telling me a story about her landlord coming in to her bedroom, drunk and demanding "rent" and I'm slowly sinking in my chair, counting the minutes for my escape. We ordered coffee and as we're waiting for it, I feel her foot on my crotch. She's taken off her shoe and is rubbing me. I am not comfortable with this and I move out of her reach.

"I want to give you a BJ in the parking lot. Can we go now? She demands. Mr. Penis now tells me that he wants to be happy, so I pay the bill and off to the car we go. Just as we're getting in the car, it starts to snow.
"I don't like being in the snow Cissy, I'm going to drop you off and drive you home before it gets worse." I said. Mr. Penis tells me; "Stek come on, she's a swallower, take the god-damned BJ!"

"No!" She pleads with me. "I want a complete, proper date with you. What if we went back to your place and then you can take me home tomorrow when the snow has stopped?" Well, I don't know why, perhaps to cure me from my loneliness, or maybe it was my dick talking, but I agreed. We drove back to my place 45 minutes away.

We pull up into the apartment and I show her around. I tell her that she can sleep in the bed and I would take the sofa. She's shaking her head no. "Nope." She says and continues with "We can share the bed." I remind her that I would feel better if she took the bed and I took the sofa. She continued to disagree with me.

Anyway, I take out a bong, some vodka and we start partaking. She goes in her purse and takes out a few pain patches. I forgot what it was but she takes a few out and puts them on the coffee table. "Here, those are for you, I know you like drugs" I thank her and put them in a kitchen drawer.

So the night is wearing on, we are sitting next to each other on the sofa, sucking down bongs and shots. She's getting bored because I'm not making a move on her and she gets up to my VHS shelf to look at my movies. Totally forgetting I had some porn in there, sure enough she spots them.

"Oh wow you like porn! She says. What's this one? Girls who s*** c*** and swallow c**? You're into that? Oh good, good, lets watch it!"

"No, lets not. Its from the late 80's its old and the tape is warped. It won't play in my player." I quickly explain. Mr. Penis reminds me; "Stek, there's nothing wrong with that tape, we just watched it last week. Get off your ass, put it in and take down your pants."

"Did you know I learned how to give head from a porn actress? She showed me how to do it without hands! Wanna see?" She asked. I started debating why I agreed to have her spend the night now. I wanted no part of her. None. I wasn't turned on, I wasn't randy or anything. I just wanted her gone. She was getting annoying now. But my penis, was telling me something totally different. "Come on Stek, put me inside her, you know you both want it and its been a good year or so since we've had any fun...come on Stek, let's do this."

She starts telling me about her woes again. Her constant pain, her living arrangements with sex for rent, her welfare problems, health issues, etc. I was just getting so tired of her complaining so I looked at my watch noticed it was late and then told her it was bed time.

"I've nothing to sleep in she said. I might have to sleep naked!" She continued.

"Nope. I have a night shirt you can sleep in." I said and went and got it for her". She looked disappointed. She walked into the bathroom, left the door opened and she put it on. Probably hoping I was checking her out. Which I wasn't. Mr. Penis wanted to look, but I kept him in my pants.

We finally agreed that we could share the same bed and we went to bed. She wanted a spoon and I agreed but made sure I didn't get too close in case I got aroused. Thankfully nothing happened, and we slept until morning. Still, my dick had other plans and told me about them; "You know Stek, she's nice and soft and she's already mentioned what she would do to me if you let her. Come on, get in closer on that spoon so I can feel her nice ass." I totally didn't listen and we all went to sleep.

The next morning, I woke up before her and went to make coffee and toast. She wakes up and walks into the living room where I could see her from the kitchen counter. She pulls off her nightshirt and is standing there topless and wearing a green thong.

"Hey, come look at my nipple piercings!" She exclaims. "I just got them recently."

I didn't have the heart to tell her that I find any piercings disgusting and I'm turned off by them and tattoos. She asks me again to come over closer to her and this time Mr. Penis tells my legs to walk closer to her.

She's waiving her boobs and now pinching herself and turns around. "See my back tattoo? It's in Japanese!"
"Yeah I see that. Looks like they spelled Teriyaki Steak wrong" I laughed. She reminded me it meant "sexy lover" or some crap like that. I still wasn't impressed. But at the same time, I am now getting randy. Here's an almost naked girl two inches from me. I know she wants me and I know she's the kind of girl that would do anything, anything I asked. I was torn. I also knew she was raped recently by three guys and wasn't sure what kind of STD's she would have. What a dilemma I was now in. Do I give in to temptation and run the risk of having what could be wild insane sex and get an STD or do I stay alive to see an old age home? My penis still had other plans. "Come on Stek, lets show her a good time. You know you want some of that, lets just get it over with!" Still, I ignored what he was saying to me.

She bends over so that I can see her butt. "You can touch me you know. I know you want to" She says. "Go head touch me anywhere you want. Did you see my other tattoo? Oh you can't it's covered by my thong. I'm not going to show you that one, only special people get to see it. But I'm willing to make an exception on your part." She says as she turns around to we're face to face.

It was then I decided she needed to leave my apartment. I couldn't go through with this as erotic as I was feeling, something in my intuition told me to get her the hell out of my apartment. I smelled trouble. My other head had different thoughts. "Stek you really are pissing me off man, come on, she's totally wanting us...lets just go for the gold."  Again my real brain told me not to get involved.

So I took a breath and told her I appreciated the efforts and quickly made up a story that I was getting back together with my ex-wife and didn't want to cheat on her.

I don't know if she believed me but she also knew I wasn't taking her bait and now she's disappointed. She asked me to take her home.

Well, we get ready, we jump in the car and have a wordless 45 minute ride back to her place. When we get to her driveway, we're sitting having a smoke and she sees one of my homemade CD's of my solo music in the car. On the CD is the world "Creampie".

"Oh, what's this more porn?" she says with a smile.
"No, It's a song I wrote called Creampie. It's a private joke song." I replied.

"I like getting creampies. I had a hysterectomy and so I partake!" She went on to say. "Can we hear it?"

I put the disk in and the song kicks off and I'm turning red." It really was a joke song for my friends and not to be played for the public. She puts on a smirk. "Oh you are a sicko aren't you? A creampie song? That's funny" She says.

The song is over and I tell her that I'm on call for my job and that I have to be close to the office in case they call. She goes in for a kiss on the cheek and gets out of the car, humming my creampie song. "Well thanks for an interesting evening. Can we do this again soon?" She asks.

"Well Cissy, I told you I'm trying to get back with my ex wife, if it doesn't work out, you'll be the first to know."
She gets out of the car and walks into her house. It was the last time I saw her.
2022-01-25 5:14:26 PM  
Hooked with up a girl on Match and had a couple dates.  She didn't seem too interested.  I had a feeling I was second string.

But she called me on a Tuesday night, and found out it was my birthday.  (It was.). She said, "Oh, you can't be alone on your birthday, let me buy you dinner!"

We go out for sushi and then to a nearby dive bar.  Bartender learns it's my birthday and she's my date, so starts secretly pouring doubles in Rum and Cokes.  Mind you, this is a dive bar, and she's drinking the well rum...

So an hour into it, she's chain smoking my Camels, telling me she loves to go to strip clubs, and pinching my nipples.  I'm thinking, This is better, but if I start dating this girl, neither of us will survive.

Half an hour later, we decide to go back to her place.  I leave my car in the bar parking lot and driver her home, 10 minutes away by freeway.  She drove a purple Trans-Am.  In 2001.

Three minutes on the freeway and she's moaning, "Pull over I gotta puke!"

She manages to hold it until I find a darkened parking lot (the LA County Arboretum in Arcadia for you LA Farkers).  Then she's in full reverse.  Yes, I held her hair until she wanted to go home.  Yes, I was still thinking I'd get lucky as soon as she recovered.

I get her back to her condo only to find not only had she puked all over her back seat, but she'd shiat herself too.

Long story short, I got her showered, got her in bed, tried to clean her car, and slept next to her to make sure she didn't stop breathing, and let her sleep as long as she wanted.

In the morning, she was PISSED.  Late for work, hung over, and her car smelled like sushi puke, regurgitated rum... and her cheap vanilla perfume from my miserable drunken attempt to clean it up.  She dumped me the next night.

By email.

/I later found out she was a stripper before she met me
//that probably didn't even make her top 10 list of bad dates
2022-01-25 5:19:48 PM  
Sister set me up on a date, I thought it was one girl I met at a party, cute 18 yo, but it turns out it was a younger friend, a homely 17 yo, I was 23 and thought this was sketch but wth I'd be a gentleman.

Tix to Dinosaur Jr, banging show, we walk out after and she goes "Well, they might've been good but I couldn't tell over the distortion."  Womp womp.  Friends see me with her outside of venue, are like "wtf man, high school girl, really?"

Deliver her to house, give her peck on cheek and decline anything further.  Extra bad: She has my sister call me for a second date. Ugh.
2022-01-25 5:28:33 PM  

bughunter: /that probably didn't even make her top 10 list of bad dates

ah the wonderful world of strippers. I know they must lead very interesting lives.

well in my imagination anyway...
2022-01-25 5:37:07 PM  
In HS I took the new girl to see Monty Python's Meaning of Life. She said she liked Holy Grail so we went.

1/2 in the movie there's the scene where a computer animation shows a group of stars that morphs into a women spreading her legs and giving birth.

My date, gets up. "This is beyond the beyond, I'm going home" She gets up and walks out.

I stayed to watch the rest of the movie.

When I saw her in school the following day, she pretended not to know me. Kind of hard to do, we were on the same bus.

oh well.
2022-01-25 5:40:27 PM  
Tall voluptuous redhead, well-dressed, good job, no kids, easy smile, no ranting about her dad or her job or her exes. Wearing a dress that accentuated her long, lovely legs. Body language that was classy and elegant, but seductive. She was clearly interested and trying to draw my interest. For a lot of reasons, it had been much, much too long since I had been in a situation like this. We talked, we laughed, she tossed her hair, she gave me meaningful glances. I was enjoying myself. Suddenly she's talking about how she's into vampire stuff in bed, which means costumes and rituals and...bloodletting. Her blood, my blood. And other people's blood. Real Eyes Wide Shut stuff, apparently.

There was much embittered facepalming back at Solitude Ranch that evening.
2022-01-25 5:42:33 PM  

steklo: In HS I took the new girl to see Monty Python's Meaning of Life. She said she liked Holy Grail so we went.

1/2 in the movie there's the scene where a computer animation shows a group of stars that morphs into a women spreading her legs and giving birth.

My date, gets up. "This is beyond the beyond, I'm going home" She gets up and walks out.

I stayed to watch the rest of the movie.

When I saw her in school the following day, she pretended not to know me. Kind of hard to do, we were on the same bus.

oh well.

That's in the first 20 minutes.

Good thing she didn't stay for Mr. Creosote.

/well, good for her anyway
2022-01-25 5:43:26 PM  
Like I'd share one of my own.

But I'll share a great one I heard.  A friend's mom went on a date with the guy that yodels the "Yahoo!" thing.  It was so bad she went to the bathroom and crawled out the window.

Pretty sure he has more game than me.
2022-01-25 5:45:17 PM  

steklo: ah the wonderful world of strippers

My sister was a stripper.  In Dallas.  In the 1980s.

"Interesting" was a feature of life the smart ones avoided.

Fortunately (for me, on my frequent visit to Sis's apartment from college) not all of them were smart.
2022-01-25 5:47:37 PM  

bughunter: My sister was a stripper.  In Dallas.  In the 1980s.

I've never met any real strippers. But I have known girls with stripper names. Does that count?
2022-01-25 5:51:39 PM  

bughunter: Good thing she didn't stay for Mr. Creosote.

I thought the movie was fantastic. Her loss.

Later in 12th grade or whatever, she found a new boyfriend that didn't like Monty Python. Ah a perfect match.
2022-01-25 6:01:31 PM  
Lake Grove, NY Circa 1980 (age: 16)

I lived in a typical suburban neighborhood. Cul-de-sacs, tree lined streets. Typical John Hughes movie kind of neighborhood.

There was a girl, Susan who lived around the corner from me. She always liked me and sometimes got to be to the point of stalkerish teen behavior. I liked her as a friend but didn't want to be her girlfriend. She had other plans...

So one day, minding my own business I get a call from a mutual friend of ours.  She tells me that Susan has a new telescope in a spare bedroom that's pointed right into my room.

I looked at my window and noticed that she does have a clear shot of my window from where her house is. I Never noticed that before. So I head on over to Susan's house to see for myself.

I get over there and make an excuse to use the bathroom upstairs where I know the telescope is. I climb the stairs and go into the spare bedroom. Sure enough, big old telescope. So I looked in. Yup...nothing but a clear shot of my bedroom. I've no clue how long she's been doing this and now I'm feeling a bit embarrassed.
I get back downstairs and I confront her.

Me: So, nice telescope. See anything interesting?
Susan: Oh, you saw that? Uhm....yeah.
Me: That's pretty sick that you do that. How long have you been spying on me?
Susan: Only a few days. The telescope is brand new.
Me: What is it you're looking at?
Susan: Well, I notice you play guitar in your window a lot.
Me: You watch me play guitar in my window?
Susan: You do it all the time.
Me: Do you watch me getting undressed and dressed too?
Susan: Uhm....
Me: Do me a favor, ok? Remove the telescope. I'm going to go home now and have my mom take me to the store so I can buy shades that cover my windows.
Susan: Don't do that, I won't look again...I spent a lot of money on that thing. I can't return it!

So one day Susan is hosting a house party. Her parents are gone for the whole weekend. Of course I was invited...

I go to this party with like 30 other kids from school and the neighborhood and I get trashed. Beer, pot, booze...and there's Susan in the room drinking a beer. I don't know. Hormones got the best of me...

I walk over to Susan and just take her hand and lead her upstairs to her bedroom.

"Look, we both know the score like me, and I sorta like you, what do you say we get this over with?"

She says "huh?"

and I said, I'll take off your pants, you can take off mine.

next thing you know where in her bed doing the nasty. She left her bra on and I asked her to take it off cause I had no idea how they worked. She slips out of it, and tosses it behind the bed.

about 4 minutes later we finish. We put our clothes back on and she runs out of the room to the party...

"Guess what everyone!  Stek and I just had the best sex I ever had!"

everyone at the party laughed.

We dated for two weeks before I broke up with her.

We are still in touch today via e-mail after all those years.
2022-01-25 6:34:07 PM  
I went out with what a friend described as a "bubble-headed bleached blonde."  Minutes after I arrived at her apartment she asked if I would drive her roommate's date home.  They got rid of two birds with one stone, because when I went back she wouldn't answer her door.  The next day she called me up and accused me of taking her keys.  I said, "Gee, if I had you keys I could have let myself into your apartment, you know to say goodby."  She didn't think that was funny.
2022-01-25 7:46:34 PM  
The good: I've never had a bad date :D

The bad: because I've never been good enough to go on a date D:

sigh *
2022-01-25 8:02:39 PM  
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2022-01-25 9:17:18 PM  
Worst first date? Probably a tie between:

Was in between jobs during the recession. I was about 25. I had almost no money to speak  of, but I met a girl at a Roaring 20s party my sister had invited me to, and then I won a costume contest because someone let me borrow their plastic tommygun that clicked when you pulled the trigger. Prize was a gift certificate to a nice restaurant for two. So I asked the girl. A local fancy theater was showing "Gone With the Wind" and we decided to do that as well. We had a common interest in history, it seemed, and she was even interested in the upcoming Ken Burns docu on Prohibition.

Was super psyched for our date because this was like an oasis in the middle of a dateless desert of unemployment. I look at her Facebook profile and she's really into the finer things, opera and the like. Fancy.

Should have taken that as a little bit of a warning that we were a mismatch. She liked history all right, it was about the only thing in the world she liked. Her favorite word in the world was "vintage." We got to talking about movies and she wasn't interested in The Social Network because it was "Too contemporary." I had heard of being born in the wrong decade, but this girl was born in the wrong century.

I have thrown myself at some horrible matches when I got desperate, but my interest in this one went down to nil. Movie was a mixed bag.

Other contender:

Had worked the whole summer 2005 in between years kf college at a movie theater with this one girl and we clearly had a thing for each other, but I was both a coward and overthinking it, so I let some minor practicalities get in the way, like how we were going to colleges in different states at the end of the summer and I certainly would never see her again. Then she found me on this new site called "Facebook." We got in touch again as friends and I invited her to come with me to the theater so we can "laugh at" our former coworkers and such who still have to work in that shiathole but clearly its an excuse to take her out. She agrees!

She knows it's a date, right? I pay for her ticket and she's ASTOUNDED! It's all she can repeat over and over again as we get concessions and hand over our tickets. Ticket taker that we both know clearly knows exactly what the fark is going on, but she is oblivious.

So yeah, an awkward non-date because I was too cowardly at that point in life to make it clear that it was a date and she was too clueless to pick up on it.

We end up going on three or four more non-dates. I even have friends who met her on them ask if I'm still in a relationship with her. Then she gets into a real relationship in the middle of a semester and it farks me up a bit, but at least it finally breaks my cowardice, something some guys do a lot later in life, if ever.

I eventually learn that she's kind of crazy anyway.
2022-01-25 9:28:20 PM  
Tied contenders for worst non-first date, part 1:

I got into the "conventional" dating scene a little bit late thanks to the aforementioned unemployment period and about five years more or less abroad. Then I settle into a more normal lifestyle at about 27, but I'm kind of clueless on the more intricate rules of things. I go on two dates with a girl who's only a tick weird, but then I make the dumb mistake of texting her with something like "just to clarify, we aren't exclusive yet or anything."

She decides that the appropriate response to this is to stand me up for our next date. It's the following morning before I can even get her to text me a response. Yeah, maybe I was kind of stupid and accidentally dickish, but actually standing me up? Like making me eat my dinner by myself in public and tell the waiter I'm expecting someone that doesn't arrive?

Her slightly nonsensical response the following morning hinted that she was crazy and also at least halfway realized that she had farked up even worse than me. I later found dating advice on Reddit or somewhere to clear up what I did wrong.
2022-01-25 10:09:28 PM  
Other contender. As an important side note, this gf was usually very sweet and the exact opposite of this:

It's the end of an eight-month relationship. I'm a tiny bit late for the play we're going to and have to sit in a weird spot away from my gf for the first act because of seating rules. She's super pissy about it when I do see her.

The play is "Carrie: The Musical." Yes, Stephen King's "Carrie." You might think that this sounds awesome, which is why I wanted to see it, but you'd be wrong, as was I. It farking blows. It's a short story stretched out into a farking two-act play, with more and more music to pad it. The story is so thin that Farkers would say it needs a sammich or 12. And what story there is is mostly an uncomfortable one about a guy leading on an outcast girl that he has no interest in. The only cool part is that they put trash bags over our legs for the blood splatter at the end.

Speaking of sandwiches, gf wants to go to the restaurant next door. I'm all "I dunno, I think I remember going there once before and them having nothing but sandwiches that I didn't like." She assures me that of course a proper sit-down restaurant like that one will have something besides cold sandwiches. Well we get in our seats, I scour the extensive menu three times, and there definitely is nothing but sandwiches, which I don't want. I could have probably told the waiter I needed more time, but the gf is getting impatient, so I just order something that IIRC I ended up hating.

Also, she's like a whole month late on my birthday present that she had repeatedly said I would love, and she's brought it. It's...a t-shirt. She remembered that I had a Dogecoin Racing t-shirt, so she got me one that just has the Doge dog on it and nothing else. A stripped-down version of a shirt I already have. I'm vaguely aware that it's downgraded from whatever she was originally going to get me a month ago, which speaks to how quickly that relationship had gone downhill and maybe why it was so late.

/Like two weeks later she was clearly going through some shiat of some kind and decided to dump me rather than go on the date we had planned.
//It was hard but I instantly knew it was for the best.
2022-01-25 10:20:16 PM  
So to pick an absolute worst date out of the four, my choices are:

A. Girl I just met with a common interest in history turns out to have almost no interest in anything remotely modern.

B. Non-date with a girl too oblivious to realize it, but in fairness I was too cowardly to tell her.

C. I say something moderately stupid when setting up a third date, girl decides the proper response is to stand me up. Can I actually count this as a date?

D. Go to a shiatty play, go to a shiatty restaurant, get a shiatty very late birthday gift, gf is pissy the entire time.

I told all four because they're so different that it's kind of an apples and oranges situation.

Fark, it's definitely C or D.

Eh, let's go with C.

/Sooo glad to be happily married and not dealing with that kind of shiat anymore.
//Fun fact: Mrs F and I were also matched on a common love of history.
2022-01-25 10:34:06 PM  
I can't say it was a bad date, but.....

I had a bag of pitted dates, and one of them was not.
2022-01-26 1:20:20 AM  

Rapmaster2000: I heard about this riding in the car with my wife listening to the Andy Cohen show and some woman went on and on about women who went on dates with West Elm Caleb and it was the most boring thing I've ever heard in my life, and I've seen Manos: Hands of Fate.

I went on the worst date imaginable with West Elm Torgo.
2022-01-26 1:27:15 AM  
First date:
"Oh, I didn't bring my wallet.  Don't worry, bouncers always let me in"
"I spent most of last year in the hospital recovering from xyz.  None of my friends came to visit"
"My ex told me I'm horrible and committed suicide right in front of me.  Why would a guy do that?"

*blink* (the show started soon, didn't pull the ripcord like a sane person would)

later still, after the band I wanted to see had started: "See that guy over there? When you were getting drinks, he asked me to dance, do you mind?"

/Audi 5000.  He could be her ex 5th husband now for all I know.
2022-01-26 5:16:20 AM  
Not a worst date, but a memorable one.

On a first coffee date I was asked with a straight face: "So CDH, would you ever consider consuming another person's flesh?"
Me, shocked but not knowing what to say: "So you're Catholic then? I know Catholics do that every Sunday.." (then I changed the topic)

I was too intrigued by what was meant by the strange question, and off I went to a coffee date #2, where I asked what my date had meant by that consuming human flesh question.
Answer: "Oh I just wanted to check if you are a sociopath, because if you were you'd have said yes."
Sigh. *Facepalm*
ANYways, she made a tasty pulled meat sandwich
/ Take that in whichever of the multiple possible interpretations you prefer ;)
2022-01-26 6:58:12 AM  
Who ?
2022-01-26 10:35:17 AM  
This wasn't supposed to be a date, a guy in our D&D group wanted to go to a nice local restaurant that my hubby and I also wanted to try. He had recently broken up with his long term girlfriend and seemed a little lonely so we agreed to meet up for dinner. Just dinner with a friend.
What it felt like was a date. Like he was trying to impress a date and he never stopped talking. For some reason his topic of choice was Latin American politics. Hubby and I aren't experts but our favorite professor in college was and we took all his classes so we knew enough that this could have been a conversation.  If you tried to comment on anything he kept going like you never said a word. It was a two hour monolog punctuated with comments on how much money he made. If I could have run out the back door I would have, but that would have left my poor hubby alone with him and the history of chiquita banana.
Never hung out with him outside of the game again. Later on he dated a 21yo who looked 12 (he was in his mid 40s) and got kinda creepy about teen girls.
2022-01-26 1:29:04 PM  
Does a "Date that Never Was" count?

After a couple of online messages with somebody on a dating site who had attractive pics, we agreed it'd be easier to just chat on the phone, so I shared my number (Don't Try This at Home, kids!) and thus began a multi-hour phone call... for which highlights included:
- her doing 90% of the talking, and not really caring about anything I had to say, nor assessing at all whether or not I was interested at all in the topics she was talking about
- her going into details about how police, a lot of drama(*) , and restraining orders have been involved in multiple previous relationships. (* remember this one, I get my share of her drama later in this story)
- her telling me in great detail about her boob job, the pain from it, the scars, etc, etc. Cool, cool, but this was my first time ever talking to her...and fake boobs don't impress me the way she seemed to think they did (to be honest, natural is best, fake is often just... too obviously fake)
- her telling me in great detail how she's been away from work for months, due to illness (I felt bad for her, but if you're involved in potential romance, its not attractive to hear that you may be getting into a partial caregiver role for somebody you haven't even met yet.)
- her telling me in great detail about a tattoo just above her vag. There's a place and a time to talk about that, and maybe (?) it can be a sexy thing if done right... That said, maybe I'm old fashioned, but a phonecall with a stranger seems a little early to share that. One imagines she tells anybody she has just met about her vag tattoo, which is not attractive to me.

Anyways, the phonecall made me realize that although her pics looked attractive, I wasn't attracted to her personality. But, stupidly enough, at that point I was still willing to have in-person coffee date to see what came of it.

"How about we meet tomorrow night", she said.
"Oh, I already have plans for tomorrow night" (Which was true), I answered.
"Who do you have plans with?"
(Well, it wasn't any of her business, but..)"Actually, I'm meeting up with an ex-gf whom I have remained platonic friends with. Don't worry, we're really only just platonic friends. I wouldn't be on a dating site if there was a chance or hope we'd be together"
*She was not happy to hear this, but our call ended shortly afterwards and we agreed to set a time to meet later*

The following early evening while I was meeting up with my ex I started receiving a barrage of texts and phonecalls, from the person I had been on the phone with the night before.

I shut off my ringer, but could feel the vibrations of many texts and calls continuing to come in.

I decided I didn't want to engage this unreasonble behavior that night, and went home but ignored my phone all night. In the morning, I checked the texts and calls. There were dozens of texts, and about 20 voicemails, and they became progressively angry and aggressive. I don't remember them all, but they said things like,
"You're meeting your ex? How could you do this to me?"
"Stop you lunch now and call me. NOW"
"Why aren't you calling me???? What's taking you so long on your dinner???".
"Where are you? Tell me RIGHT NOW! What are you two doing??"
"You're a jerk!"
Near the end of her messages, the last one which was sent around 3am  she calms down a little.. and DEMANDS that I drive over to her house right away. At 3AM.

Keep in mind, for all this, we had not yet ever met in person. We had only ever had one long, one-sided phonecall.

Anyways, a 3am invitation can be great under the right circumstances, but needless to say this wasn't the right circumstances.

Never contacted her again. I kept getting texts for a few more weeks, but they eventually petered out.

I was very grateful I had never shared information about my employment or where I live.
2022-01-26 1:34:02 PM  
First date, 24, the girl is attractive, funny and likes video games. Great date!

Second date: she shat the passenger seat before we even got out of her driveway. Poker faced it and just drove back up the pavement and she got showered and changed while I spend 4$ to clean out the deposit...

...she got back in the car and made it to the restaurant before she shat in my car again.

She did not tell me she had ulcerative colitis and no real bowel control, so she wore pull-ups. Found that out on the way back for clean-up #2.

That seat was ruined, and then I found out she was so mortified she wouldn't call me. Or even talk to me. Now? She's married to some car salesman, I kid you, not.

/Ever clean blood-poop out of a Pontiac Catalina?
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