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(Lifehacker)   We've reached peak Claire. Maybe   (lifehacker.com) divider line
    More: Obvious, Vinegar, Mayonnaise, Mustard, Garlic, Egg, own mayo, Egg yolk, Cider  
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1313 clicks; posted to Food » on 24 Jan 2022 at 10:05 AM (17 weeks ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook



48 Comments     (+0 »)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest
 
2022-01-24 9:46:51 AM  
Eating 4 Jars of Mayonnaise in 3 Minutes
Youtube DrVAmFw9wgw
 
2022-01-24 9:49:30 AM  
I've done something a little like this.  Take some Hellmann's, add in a bit of red wine or apple cider vinegar, half a teaspoon of yellow mustard, a bit of fresh ground pepper, and a bit of crushed garlic, and it makes a way more interesting spread.
 
2022-01-24 9:56:04 AM  
You know when you have fancy aioli as a restaurant that this is most likely all they are doing? They take that big old tub of mayo and doctor it up

The roi on making it verse flavor and stability isn't worth it at scale and most wouldn't notice since it's never the star of a dish

https://www.bonappetit.com/test-kitchen/cooking-tips/article/is-homemade-mayonnaise-worth-the-effort
 
2022-01-24 10:01:41 AM  
Does she have mayonnaise sammiches for lunch?
 
2022-01-24 10:07:19 AM  
I made homemade mayo once and the family hated it.
 
2022-01-24 10:18:52 AM  

NewportBarGuy: Does she have mayonnaise sammiches for lunch?


That meant having more bread than mayo. Pretty sure she just goes in with a spoon
 
2022-01-24 10:34:44 AM  

Psychopusher: I've done something a little like this.  Take some Hellmann's, add in a bit of red wine or apple cider vinegar, half a teaspoon of yellow mustard, a bit of fresh ground pepper, and a bit of crushed garlic, and it makes a way more interesting spread.


So kind of a homemade Miracle Whip?

/ runs for cover
 
2022-01-24 10:36:05 AM  

ChrisDe: Psychopusher: I've done something a little like this.  Take some Hellmann's, add in a bit of red wine or apple cider vinegar, half a teaspoon of yellow mustard, a bit of fresh ground pepper, and a bit of crushed garlic, and it makes a way more interesting spread.

So kind of a homemade Miracle Whip?

/ runs for cover


c.tenor.comView Full Size
 
2022-01-24 10:43:41 AM  
Just buy the GOOD stuff instead:

Fark user imageView Full Size
 
2022-01-24 10:51:19 AM  
You gotta add shiat. Who eats jar mayo as is? I mean other than really white people. It's horrible.
 
2022-01-24 10:54:14 AM  
I read "How to Make Store-Bought Mayonnaise Taste Homemade", and spit a 1/2 chewed kebob at the monitor.

1/2 a beer later, pipes cleared, I continue only to read "If you make your own mayo, you know you can go all out by playing around with vinegars and various fats.", which gave me some hope.

But just at the end of that brief paragraph... "I always have a jar of store-bought mayo in the fridge."
At which point I sharted.

MAKE UP YOUR MIND, CLAIRE!! MAYBE YOUR INABILITY TO COMMIT ENDED YOUR MARRIAGE?

I do have to say that her consistency with mayo not only is visibly apparent, but might help future archeologists... akin to carbon 14. *shrug*
 
2022-01-24 10:55:30 AM  
I am fascinated by the weird obsession/hate hard-on for Claire. Someone in another Claire thread suggested that perhaps someone has a crush on her and is doing the "be mean to get attention" method. To me, her articles garner a big ol' "meh" from me. Not complaining or anything...just fascinated, is all.
 
2022-01-24 11:00:08 AM  

Percise1: I read "How to Make Store-Bought Mayonnaise Taste Homemade", and spit a 1/2 chewed kebob at the monitor.

1/2 a beer later, pipes cleared, I continue only to read "If you make your own mayo, you know you can go all out by playing around with vinegars and various fats.", which gave me some hope.

But just at the end of that brief paragraph... "I always have a jar of store-bought mayo in the fridge."
At which point I sharted.

MAKE UP YOUR MIND, CLAIRE!! MAYBE YOUR INABILITY TO COMMIT ENDED YOUR MARRIAGE?

I do have to say that her consistency with mayo not only is visibly apparent, but might help future archeologists... akin to carbon 14. *shrug*


Even better was the last section which described how to make one brand of store-bought mayo taste like another brand of store-bought mayo.
 
2022-01-24 11:21:41 AM  
She adds MSG to her mayo, doesn't she?

Ktonos: I am fascinated by the weird obsession/hate hard-on for Claire. Someone in another Claire thread suggested that perhaps someone has a crush on her and is doing the "be mean to get attention" method. To me, her articles garner a big ol' "meh" from me. Not complaining or anything...just fascinated, is all.


As someone who's bought into this Claire hate-reading, I'm not sure I can explain it.

The closest I can come to is it's the "OH JOHN RINGO NO!" phenomenon* but I'm not sure I can clearly articulate how it applies here.

*link goes to blog that coined the phrase. The TL;DR version is:

You think that paragraph alone would make this book awesomely bad, but no. IT GETS MORE SO. Yes, you will be horrified by a lot of this, because [protagonist] Mike Harmon's adventures are by turns awesomely horrific and horrifically awesome; I freely confess that I cannot stop reading these books, because *I have to see what Ringo does next.* I do, however, have a finely-tuned defense mechanism: whenever something trips my circuit breaker, causing me to cringe away from the page, I utter aloud a cry that resets my noggin. You will probably need it yourself, so I provide it here, as a public service: "OH JOHN RINGO NO."
 
2022-01-24 11:26:42 AM  
Mayo is a good sandwich salve, a good base for x-salad sandwiches, and makes a great marinade for chicken.
Unsure how it got all the hate as it's tasty(ish) and handy for many uses.
 
2022-01-24 11:51:42 AM  
I don't see what the big deal is.

I've been making homemade mayo since I was a teenager.

Was first inspired by a Sears catalogue, of all things...
 
2022-01-24 11:58:21 AM  
Fark user imageView Full Size


Yo dawg, I heard you like mayo.  So I put mayo in your mayo so you can mayo while you mayo.
 
2022-01-24 12:21:36 PM  
How to Make Mayonnaise | Kenji's Cooking Show
Youtube 9TnIeYc2CWU
For those who think homemade mayo is too difficult.

/ That being said, I always have two store bought mayos on hand, typically Duke's and Kewpie.
//Duck-fat Mayo and bacon-fat Mayo are amazing.
///Yes, I do have high cholesterol. Why do you ask?
 
2022-01-24 12:50:10 PM  
I made meatballs this weekend, but had no eggs, so I substituted mayo. It worked pretty well, but I realize not everyone would like it.
 
2022-01-24 12:52:17 PM  
I'd like to add dried spices/herbs.  I think I'll try Italian spice mix, some dill would be good.  Maybe even just Lawry's seasoned salt or Tony Chachere's.

/also, I don't think people hate Claire Lower.  To me she's a person out there doing a job, I remember reading about how she handles work.  She has to get up really early and type out 3-500 words every morning and get it posted and do it again later.  That is not nothing.  I respect that.
 
2022-01-24 12:58:27 PM  
Wow. Meta-Claire.
 
2022-01-24 1:07:45 PM  

Cafe Threads: Just buy the GOOD stuff instead:

[Fark user image 425x702]


Fark user imageView Full Size
 
2022-01-24 1:10:04 PM  
Claire likes pineapple pizza.
 
2022-01-24 1:13:44 PM  

NINEv2: Claire likes pineapple pizza.


So she does have good taste...
 
2022-01-24 1:20:45 PM  
holy guacamole, this IS probably Peak Claire!

BUT it's longer than her usual "articles" and ALL of her advice is useful!

i already knew how to make mayo, and "tweak" commercial mayo......because i love mayo.

imma gonna give ms lower a PASS on this exam....

😂
 
2022-01-24 1:25:37 PM  

olrasputin: I don't see what the big deal is.

I've been making homemade mayo since I was a teenager.

Was first inspired by a Sears catalogue, of all things...


the SEARS CATALOG?

wait, exactly what KIND of a weirdo are YOU?

but said with love!

💜
 
2022-01-24 1:30:00 PM  

NINEv2: Claire likes pineapple pizza.


so do i!

cheap-ass chain pizza with pineapple, ham/canadian bacon, regular bacon, and onions?

take it home and put hot sauce on it?

WONDERFUL!

(also, where you been lately?)
 
2022-01-24 1:32:38 PM  

ChrisDe: Psychopusher: I've done something a little like this.  Take some Hellmann's, add in a bit of red wine or apple cider vinegar, half a teaspoon of yellow mustard, a bit of fresh ground pepper, and a bit of crushed garlic, and it makes a way more interesting spread.

So kind of a homemade Miracle Whip?

/ runs for cover


Literally what that is
 
2022-01-24 1:34:38 PM  

fastfxr: Mayo is a good sandwich salve, a good base for x-salad sandwiches, and makes a great marinade for chicken.
Unsure how it got all the hate as it's tasty(ish) and handy for many uses.


Grill your cheese with it!
Use it instead of brine on your turkey!
That sort of nonsense
 
2022-01-24 1:35:20 PM  

anuran: ChrisDe: Psychopusher: I've done something a little like this.  Take some Hellmann's, add in a bit of red wine or apple cider vinegar, half a teaspoon of yellow mustard, a bit of fresh ground pepper, and a bit of crushed garlic, and it makes a way more interesting spread.

So kind of a homemade Miracle Whip?

/ runs for cover

Literally what that is


i'm surprised you have nothing to say in my food safety thread.....

(yes, i'm subs)

😈
 
2022-01-24 1:45:15 PM  

luna1580: NINEv2: Claire likes pineapple pizza.

so do i!

cheap-ass chain pizza with pineapple, ham/canadian bacon, regular bacon, and onions?

take it home and put hot sauce on it?

WONDERFUL!

(also, where you been lately?)


Working. No more quasi-pseudo retirement.
 
2022-01-24 1:46:48 PM  
Aioli:
2 or 3 fresh garlic cloves, peeled and chopped.
Large pinch coarse sea or kosher salt
1 egg yolk, at room temperature
1/2 lemon, juiced
1 cup pure olive oil (not extra virgin)
Freshly ground black pepper

Put garlic and Salt in food processor and pulse till its a paste, add agg yolk and lemon juice, pulse again till mixed. Turn on food processor and slowly add the olive oil till you reach your desired thickness
 
2022-01-24 1:47:06 PM  
lol, aggs
 
2022-01-24 1:54:49 PM  

anuran: ChrisDe: Psychopusher: I've done something a little like this.  Take some Hellmann's, add in a bit of red wine or apple cider vinegar, half a teaspoon of yellow mustard, a bit of fresh ground pepper, and a bit of crushed garlic, and it makes a way more interesting spread.

So kind of a homemade Miracle Whip?

/ runs for cover

Literally what that is


Um ... no.  Miracle whip also has paprika and enough sugar to give you diabetes just reading the label.
 
2022-01-24 1:55:46 PM  

NINEv2: luna1580: NINEv2: Claire likes pineapple pizza.

so do i!

cheap-ass chain pizza with pineapple, ham/canadian bacon, regular bacon, and onions?

take it home and put hot sauce on it?

WONDERFUL!

(also, where you been lately?)

Working. No more quasi-pseudo retirement.


ahhhhh 💜
 
2022-01-24 2:06:51 PM  

justanotherfarkinfarker: You gotta add shiat. Who eats jar mayo as is? I mean other than really white people. It's horrible.


My grandma used to add oreos.

/really just spreading it on oreos
//seriously, spreading it like jam on toast
///*shudder*
 
2022-01-24 2:11:58 PM  
"While it doesn't have quite the same kick out of the jar, mass-produced mayo has a much longer shelf life than the homemade stuff, and it's just so convenient."

In the Monday (food safety) thread, Jeff5 writes "I regularly leave mayonnaise out of the refrigerator." Mayo is listed on several web sites as a food not requiring refrigeration by virtue of its acid content (vinegar). Most will say it is safe, but flavor will suffer over time. Claire is a food editor with a seemingly unhealthy love of mayo. Presumably she uses refrigeration. How would she ever get near to an expiration for fresh or packaged product when she goes through so much? Does she not use enough vinegar in her signature food product?

I use mayo but don't go through too much. A jar can last me a few months easy. Still, I'm glad to have it when I need it. Perfect spackling for the crab stuffed mushrooms I made last week. I'm not equipped to emulsify. I'm on a tight budget this month and slummed it with bargain brand 'Blue Plate', ugh. Claire's suggestions aren't unappreciated. I made some coleslaw, but I used my preferred blank slate, sour cream, mixed with red wine balsamic, sugar, and powdered buttermilk. I really didn't miss the mayo.
 
2022-01-24 2:26:47 PM  

luna1580: anuran: ChrisDe: Psychopusher: I've done something a little like this.  Take some Hellmann's, add in a bit of red wine or apple cider vinegar, half a teaspoon of yellow mustard, a bit of fresh ground pepper, and a bit of crushed garlic, and it makes a way more interesting spread.

So kind of a homemade Miracle Whip?

/ runs for cover

Literally what that is

i'm surprised you have nothing to say in my food safety thread.....

(yes, i'm subs)

😈


I haven't even finished reading through it before commenting, which I try to do on serious threads
 
2022-01-24 2:51:50 PM  
Fark user imageView Full Size
 
2022-01-24 3:01:30 PM  
1 minute to make your own Duke's style mayo. (if you have a handheld immersion blender)

Fark user imageView Full Size


Fark user imageView Full Size


Fark user imageView Full Size


Fark user imageView Full Size


Link from Lifehacker (actually not a bad recipe)

Ingredients:
1 large egg
1T plus 1t distilled white vinegar (Big T = Tablespoon, Little t = teaspoon for those who might not know)
2t apple cider vinegar
3/4t of salt (or less, I usually only use 1/2t)
2 pinches sweet paprika (not hot or smoked)
1 C plus 2 T vegetable (soybean) oil
 
2022-01-24 3:11:01 PM  

luna1580: the SEARS CATALOG?

wait, exactly what KIND of a weirdo are YOU?


Hell, at first it was National Geographic...
 
2022-01-24 3:19:16 PM  
How soon until we reach Planet Claire?
 
2022-01-24 3:23:41 PM  

Psychopusher: Take some Hellmann's, add in a bit of red wine...


I like this. Mostly because after adding a bit of red wine to the mayo I'm left with almost an entire bottle that I have to drink so it won't go bad.
 
2022-01-24 4:48:34 PM  

Psychopusher: I've done something a little like this.  Take some Hellmann's, add in a bit of red wine or apple cider vinegar, half a teaspoon of yellow mustard, a bit of fresh ground pepper, and a bit of crushed garlic, and it makes a way more interesting spread.


Add a bit of blue cheese and you have a pretty good salad dressing.
 
2022-01-24 5:06:20 PM  
media.distractify.comView Full Size


*Other Claire's nibbling intensifies*
 
2022-01-24 7:49:18 PM  
I just ate a ham and cheese w/Dijon mayo. I'm pro-adding things to mayo, and adding mayo to things. Claire is OK by me.
 
2022-01-24 8:28:54 PM  

someonelse: I just ate a ham and cheese w/Dijon mayo. I'm pro-adding things to mayo, and adding mayo to things. Claire is OK by me.


I learned my damn lesson with mayo coated grilled cheese.

That's an abomination of what's supposed to be a comfort food
 
2022-01-24 10:04:36 PM  
Yogurt for chicken marinades. By the time the mayo releases enough to be useful as a marinade you've already added too much acid.
 
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