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(Slate)   "Why is my wife spending all our money?"   (slate.com) divider line
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757 clicks; posted to Discussion » on 09 Dec 2021 at 7:17 AM (6 weeks ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook



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433 [TotalFark]
2021-12-09 2:16:21 AM  
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Well...
 
2021-12-09 2:36:28 AM  
Automatic investing will set you free man, never have the money hit the account.
 
2021-12-09 3:24:17 AM  
The butt stuff ain't free.
 
2021-12-09 3:50:33 AM  
Because you won't make the long-term investment in a diesel-powered Mule Tamer 5000 and force her to get a skid of D batteries delivered fortnightly
 
2021-12-09 4:36:59 AM  

EvilEgg: Automatic investing will set you free man, never have the money hit the account.


And separate bank accounts.
 
2021-12-09 6:19:44 AM  
I ain't sayin she's a gold digger.

But I don't see here with no broke bloke
 
2021-12-09 6:47:26 AM  

bostonguy: EvilEgg: Automatic investing will set you free man, never have the money hit the account.

And separate bank accounts.


It sounds like they already have that.  He said she spends all the money in her account, then raids the joint account that's supposed to be for joint expenses, leaving him to pay bills from his account.

Some people are just financial disasters, and you should probably know that before you marry them.  They can't fathom an existence where money goes unspent.  Ask them and they'll tell you they're scraping by, living paycheck to paycheck, but the simple matter is their spending will always expand to soak up whatever slack exists in the budget.

There's no real solution here, other than cutting her off from the joint account... In the long run, he'll resent her compulsive spending, or she'll resent his controlling the resources. Eventually, that tension will probably lead to a divorce, and she'll scream about how "He WaS gAsLiGhTiNg Me!!!" about her spending.  It will remain nasty because she'll continue to run her finances into the ground after the divorce, while his responsible management lifts him out of the hell of hand-to-mouth living.  She'll use that to demonize him and try to screw him for more alimony, child support, etc.  

Welcome to hell, buddy.
 
2021-12-09 6:52:10 AM  

EvilEgg: Automatic investing will set you free man, never have the money hit the account.


Yup. One of the best lessons I learned: Pay yourself first. Have $X of each paycheck go directly to investments and bills first, and then the rest is yours to spend.
 
2021-12-09 7:40:05 AM  
You chose to put your dick into it. Divorce her or shut the hell up, as it ain't going to get better.
 
2021-12-09 7:51:44 AM  
He does need to cut her off from the joint account. If she wants to waste money on pointless crap, she can do that with just her own income. Dude needs to stop simping and man up.
 
2021-12-09 8:05:13 AM  
So he doesn't have money left to lavish on a side piece.
 
2021-12-09 8:05:24 AM  
Izunbacol:

She drinks his milkshake, and he is letting her do it.

"Ok, this is your pile of money, our pile of money, and that one is my pile of money. Spend yours on your stuff, ours on the house and kids and I'll spend mine."

Problem: He doesn't know what the expenses are. Kids, singular, are expensive and kids, plural even moreso. (Yes, really)

So, the multiple accounts just create a situation with no personal accountability. Dude doesn't trust her, but she is still handling the money. That is, itself, wrong.
 
2021-12-09 8:09:42 AM  
Well talk her into only hiring one pool boy at a time.
 
2021-12-09 8:17:15 AM  
That's part of what I liked about Mrs. Kitty when we first started dating then moved in together.  While out grocery shopping, we'd try to out-cheap each other. Store brand, check unit price, hit the clearance section, use expired coupons at the self checkout (before the dates were encoded in the newer bar codes), etc.  The most I've seen her "waste" was getting a tattoo.
 
2021-12-09 8:38:06 AM  

Mugato: The butt stuff ain't free.


Alanis Morissette - My Humps
Youtube pRmYfVCH2UA
 
2021-12-09 8:45:28 AM  
I recognize what happened in my marriage only in hindsight.  I was young and in love and didn't have the first clue how to recognize the abusive behavior and depression she was exhibiting.

You aren't a mental health professional, make a huge effort to get her some help, but if that doesn't work, you'll have to make the divorce decision.  All you can control is yourself.
 
2021-12-09 8:48:47 AM  
No problem, just go out and buy more money.
 
2021-12-09 9:05:12 AM  
You been to mean your queenie
You didn't show her no respect
You been mean to your queenie
What the hell did you expect?


[Expect your car to be next]

What happened to my car
and where is all my money?
My friends say I been asking for it
and they all think it's funny
- Point Blank
 
2021-12-09 9:08:36 AM  
a fool and his money were lucky to get together in the first place.
 
2021-12-09 9:13:59 AM  

Izunbacol: bostonguy: EvilEgg: Automatic investing will set you free man, never have the money hit the account.

And separate bank accounts.

It sounds like they already have that.  He said she spends all the money in her account, then raids the joint account that's supposed to be for joint expenses, leaving him to pay bills from his account.

Some people are just financial disasters, and you should probably know that before you marry them.  They can't fathom an existence where money goes unspent.  Ask them and they'll tell you they're scraping by, living paycheck to paycheck, but the simple matter is their spending will always expand to soak up whatever slack exists in the budget.

There's no real solution here, other than cutting her off from the joint account... In the long run, he'll resent her compulsive spending, or she'll resent his controlling the resources. Eventually, that tension will probably lead to a divorce, and she'll scream about how "He WaS gAsLiGhTiNg Me!!!" about her spending.  It will remain nasty because she'll continue to run her finances into the ground after the divorce, while his responsible management lifts him out of the hell of hand-to-mouth living.  She'll use that to demonize him and try to screw him for more alimony, child support, etc.  

Welcome to hell, buddy.


my ex wife = financial disaster.

She filed bankruptcy after we split up.  She was a textbook case of the more she made the more she spent.  But she always spent more than she actually had
 
2021-12-09 9:15:30 AM  

EvilEgg: Automatic investing will set you free man, never have the money hit the account.


This, but it doesn't stop the living paycheck to paycheck and that farking sucks. I've been married 27 years and money has only been a problem in the last two years because she suddenly has started spending a ton on micro transactions in video games.

I'm getting tired of it, but I don't know how to stop it.  Our finances are all co-mingled, but it's never been a problem until now and separating everything out now seems insurmountable.

/not subby
 
2021-12-09 9:20:23 AM  
kittyhas1000legs:

Similar story with my missus, I think at least in part it has to do with environment, her family lived/lives comfortably but even her retired MD grandfather only drinks $3 wine from the grocery store. We're both on the same page with finances and that helps a lot.
Also we have a joint checking account and separate credit cards, so while we can spend what we want on the cards, it's all coming from the same pot to pay.
 
2021-12-09 9:21:57 AM  
Why is my wife spending all our money?

Why is the sky blue?

Why is water wet?
 
2021-12-09 9:26:35 AM  

labman: EvilEgg: Automatic investing will set you free man, never have the money hit the account.

This, but it doesn't stop the living paycheck to paycheck and that farking sucks. I've been married 27 years and money has only been a problem in the last two years because she suddenly has started spending a ton on micro transactions in video games.

I'm getting tired of it, but I don't know how to stop it.  Our finances are all co-mingled, but it's never been a problem until now and separating everything out now seems insurmountable.

/not subby


Video game micro transactions are designed to give you the same sense of elation that drugs give you.   She may literally be addicted to the video games.
 
2021-12-09 9:28:43 AM  

labman: I've been married 27 years and money has only been a problem in the last two years because she suddenly has started spending a ton on micro transactions in video games.


This is going to sound like 10 steps too far, but you might want to try and talk her into seeing a therapist.  Micro-transactions easily become an addiction issue and she might literally have become a gaming addict.  If nothing else it might freak her out that you're talking about her needing therapy for buying Clash of Clans coins or what-the-fark-it-is.
 
2021-12-09 9:30:23 AM  

SirEattonHogg: Why is my wife spending all our money?

Why is the sky blue?

Why is water wet?


Seems to me like everything is working as capitalism intended.
 
2021-12-09 9:40:46 AM  

tom baker's scarf: a fool and his money were lucky to get together in the first place.


Don't bring me in to this!
 
2021-12-09 10:10:03 AM  

mrparks: Izunbacol:

She drinks his milkshake, and he is letting her do it.

"Ok, this is your pile of money, our pile of money, and that one is my pile of money. Spend yours on your stuff, ours on the house and kids and I'll spend mine."

Problem: He doesn't know what the expenses are. Kids, singular, are expensive and kids, plural even moreso. (Yes, really)

So, the multiple accounts just create a situation with no personal accountability. Dude doesn't trust her, but she is still handling the money. That is, itself, wrong.


As long as she can empty 2 of 3 accounts and he bails her out with his they functionally have 1 shared account.  it's doubtful he can kick her off the joint account w/o her consent so the short term solution is to open a new shared expenses account at a new bank under just his name and deactivate the debit card to the old one.  hopefully that stabilizes the finances enough to implement the long term solution.  find a good divorce attorney and get to work planning his exit.
 
2021-12-09 11:18:59 AM  

tom baker's scarf: mrparks: Izunbacol:

She drinks his milkshake, and he is letting her do it.

"Ok, this is your pile of money, our pile of money, and that one is my pile of money. Spend yours on your stuff, ours on the house and kids and I'll spend mine."

Problem: He doesn't know what the expenses are. Kids, singular, are expensive and kids, plural even moreso. (Yes, really)

So, the multiple accounts just create a situation with no personal accountability. Dude doesn't trust her, but she is still handling the money. That is, itself, wrong.

As long as she can empty 2 of 3 accounts and he bails her out with his they functionally have 1 shared account.  it's doubtful he can kick her off the joint account w/o her consent so the short term solution is to open a new shared expenses account at a new bank under just his name and deactivate the debit card to the old one.  hopefully that stabilizes the finances enough to implement the long term solution.  find a good divorce attorney and get to work planning his exit.


Dude needs to lie thru his teeth and tell her he got laid off.  Call the bank and say that someone is trying to identity theft and the accounts need to be closed.  Tell her that until further notice they are paying ALL bills thru her account.  Let a few small accounts get late, and send the notices to her.

IOW, scare the hell out of her.
 
2021-12-09 12:25:39 PM  

Izunbacol: Some people are just financial disasters, and you should probably know that before you marry them. They can't fathom an existence where money goes unspent.


You ain't just spitting grits.

This applies to both men and women, in case anyone was wondering.
 
2021-12-09 2:29:16 PM  
Divorce, it's worth every penny.
 
2021-12-09 3:37:12 PM  

cherryl taggart: tom baker's scarf: mrparks: Izunbacol:

She drinks his milkshake, and he is letting her do it.

"Ok, this is your pile of money, our pile of money, and that one is my pile of money. Spend yours on your stuff, ours on the house and kids and I'll spend mine."

Problem: He doesn't know what the expenses are. Kids, singular, are expensive and kids, plural even moreso. (Yes, really)

So, the multiple accounts just create a situation with no personal accountability. Dude doesn't trust her, but she is still handling the money. That is, itself, wrong.

As long as she can empty 2 of 3 accounts and he bails her out with his they functionally have 1 shared account.  it's doubtful he can kick her off the joint account w/o her consent so the short term solution is to open a new shared expenses account at a new bank under just his name and deactivate the debit card to the old one.  hopefully that stabilizes the finances enough to implement the long term solution.  find a good divorce attorney and get to work planning his exit.

Dude needs to lie thru his teeth and tell her he got laid off.  Call the bank and say that someone is trying to identity theft and the accounts need to be closed.  Tell her that until further notice they are paying ALL bills thru her account.  Let a few small accounts get late, and send the notices to her.

IOW, scare the hell out of her.


Won't work.  Paying bills is like cleaning the bathroom: some people would be pulling their hair out if they didn't do it every single day, other people see no value in doing it at all, or at least, not enough to ever do it themselves.

He's a bill-payer, she's not.   Betcha anything you could bury her in late mortgage notices and she wouldn't lift a finger.  He's not going to put himself in that situation.

Best he can do is stop paying into the joint account.  Pay all necessary bills himself with money she can't touch, don't pay any unnecessary bills.  In most states he's still fairly well screwed if she refuses to pay her own bills - creditors can and will come after him.  But there's a small chance she'll face reality once he stops bailing her out, and the damage will be limited.  If not, his best bet is a full separation and immediately filing for divorce.   If her spending is obviously frivolous, especially if it occurs after separation, the court may release him from the debt.
 
2021-12-09 5:45:17 PM  
And they say divorce is expensive.
 
2021-12-09 7:42:59 PM  
He was complaining about money she spent on the kids.

That doesn't seem valid to me.
 
2021-12-09 7:50:35 PM  
Gasoline-powered marital aids?
 
2021-12-09 8:07:28 PM  

SoundOfOneHandWanking: He was complaining about money she spent on the kids.

That doesn't seem valid to me.


Yeah, these letters always have some red flags mixed in to promote debate.
 
2021-12-09 10:03:02 PM  

Ker_Thwap: SoundOfOneHandWanking: He was complaining about money she spent on the kids.

That doesn't seem valid to me.

Yeah, these letters always have some red flags mixed in to promote debate.


Nah, the one example of spending on the kids was "rain boots in case they outgrow the ones they have", and maybe "all the money we should have been saving on day care went to Christmas presents."  Let's just assume the Christmas presents were for the kids.

We know they have at least two kids and they all started school this year.  Let's assume twins (not triplets).  Day care in an inexpensive town is around $10,000 a year per kid, so if they saved from September through December, she blew about $6,000 on Christmas presents for a pair of four-year-olds!
No, that's not "spending money on the kids."  That's a major, major spending problem.

The only good news is that she seems to be aware of the cash balance in the joint account -- she's mostly spending money that's actually there, rather than treating her credit card as if it were a magic source of infinite funds.
 
2021-12-10 10:05:59 AM  
Why is your wife spending all your money. No why is that?

Because she's financially irresponsible and you're giving her access to it. Stop that. She's not going to change so cut off the tap.
 
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