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(News 12 Westchester)   'Tis the season for porch-pirates. Here are some tips to protect your holiday deliveries   (newjersey.news12.com) divider line
    More: PSA, English-language films, Piracy, United States Postal Service, Closed-circuit television, American films, holiday season, Theft, porch piracy  
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1399 clicks; posted to Main » on 26 Nov 2021 at 11:50 AM (7 weeks ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook



48 Comments     (+0 »)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest
 
2021-11-26 10:31:38 AM  
Is that some sort of African American/homosexual slur?
 
2021-11-26 11:09:18 AM  
Glitter bombs not mentioned in the article.
 
2021-11-26 11:51:11 AM  
How could someone steal that package that's bigger than a car?
 
2021-11-26 11:53:01 AM  
Tangentially, I saw an ad for Ring, I believe, that would allow you to unlock your door remotely for someone to (in the ad) leave a pizza on a table for you while you're in the bath.

Strangely, in my experience of watching videos where someone is in the bath and pizza gets delivered, the driver then left without having sex with the homeowner.

Very confusing.  Not sure why Ring is trying to destroy the pizza driver/gigolo business.
 
2021-11-26 11:53:26 AM  
Box up some particularly smelly dog poo and put it on your porch.
 
2021-11-26 11:54:47 AM  
Attack dog on a long leash?
 
2021-11-26 11:55:07 AM  
I ordered an AX50 to tackle the issue. Unfortunately, it got stolen by porch pirates.
 
2021-11-26 11:56:12 AM  

iheartscotch: Box up some particularly smelly dog poo and put it on your porch.


My dog is so sick in her bum right now that when I let her out this morning the first time I thought she was growling, but it was just her bum-music.

It would be perfect for this.
 
151 [OhFark]
2021-11-26 11:57:45 AM  
I had to porch pirate my own damn food from my across the hall neighbors a week ago. farking doordash driver texted me after she dropped it off "lol sorry, I left it across the hall cuz I forgot the apartment number"

IT'S RIGHT THERE ON YOUR GODDAMN PHONE LADY, THE SAME ONE YOU'RE TEXTING ME ON RIGHT NOW

/end rant, csb
 
2021-11-26 11:58:50 AM  
I'm in no way advocating it, but I fully expect that one day we'll hear a story about some porch pirate who gets kidnapped and tortured for some number of years by the homeowner in their basement.
 
2021-11-26 12:00:23 PM  
Make those scurvy dogs walk the plank...or clean out the neighborhood septic system. And I'm a catastrophic shiatter.
 
2021-11-26 12:03:07 PM  
Use an Amazon Locker or an Amazon Hub and pick up packages from there.
 
2021-11-26 12:04:22 PM  

bthom37: Tangentially, I saw an ad for Ring, I believe, that would allow you to unlock your door remotely for someone to (in the ad) leave a pizza on a table for you while you're in the bath.

Strangely, in my experience of watching videos where someone is in the bath and pizza gets delivered, the driver then left without having sex with the homeowner.

Very confusing.  Not sure why Ring is trying to destroy the pizza driver/gigolo business.


Porn jokes aside, that strikes me as an absolutely horrendous idea. "Come into my house, stranger, while I'm behind a closed door and unable to come out and see what you're doing. Also, I'm naked and defenseless."

Also, who orders a pizza when they're about to get in the bath?
 
2021-11-26 12:05:04 PM  
I have it sent to work, last year when I had my week at home/ week in the office routine I sent it home. And usually my roommate was there but when she moved I tried to time it to get there when I was home. One place I order from if I order on a Thursday it will get there Saturday or Sunday.
 
2021-11-26 12:05:32 PM  
Get your huge ass off the couch and waddle to the door when the package is delivered fatty.
 
2021-11-26 12:05:49 PM  
It's all good, this year I have hired a professional...

Fark user imageView Full Size
 
2021-11-26 12:08:08 PM  
So do the shippers not do neighborhood lockboxes or have the option to ship to a local business in the US? I'm home usually, but I like that it gets delivered to the box without bothering me, I get a text and I can pick it up whenever I want (within a few days so it doesn't overflow).
 
2021-11-26 12:08:44 PM  

omg bbq: iheartscotch: Box up some particularly smelly dog poo and put it on your porch.

My dog is so sick in her bum right now that when I let her out this morning the first time I thought she was growling, but it was just her bum-music.

It would be perfect for this.


Oh no. I hope she feels better soon. Having a sick pup is, in the words of the noted scholar Charles Barkley, Turrible.
 
2021-11-26 12:10:39 PM  
 
2021-11-26 12:14:27 PM  
I ain't ordering crap. My building installed these Lux-One self-service delivery lockers, but only two banks of them for the whole property. When COVID started, they stopped accepting overflow packages in the concierge office, just leaves them in a huge pile outside in the visitor's garage. It's complete BS, especially since they tacked on a $5/month increase per unit to pay for the lockers.
 
2021-11-26 12:20:46 PM  
So, stepping aside from the masculine one-upsmanship contest going from glitterbomb, to kidnapping, to shotgun, to claymore...

I looked at my amazon buying history list and maybe like... 1/10 or less packages had anything even remotely fenceable. So you follow around an amazon van all day, risking getting your car identified and arrested, risking getting shot by the person actually being home... for like a box of pushpins or some crap? The risk/reward seems way the fark off.

I wonder what percentage of porch pirates are someone just walking by and seeing a crime of opportunity, vs someone driving around a block behind the amazon van.
 
2021-11-26 12:21:06 PM  

bthom37: Tangentially, I saw an ad for Ring, I believe, that would allow you to unlock your door remotely for someone to (in the ad) leave a pizza on a table for you while you're in the bath.

Strangely, in my experience of watching videos where someone is in the bath and pizza gets delivered, the driver then left without having sex with the homeowner.

Very confusing.  Not sure why Ring is trying to destroy the pizza driver/gigolo business.


Yeah, that's frickin' crazy.  No way am I letting some stranger wander into my house whether I'm in the bath or not.  "Sure, Mr. Rando.  Come on in the living room where you can see my wallet, keys, and phone sitting on the table.  There's a laptop or two in the office.  Help yourself.  I'm taking a shiat and it's gonna be a while."  I won't even do the garage door delivery.  I have a covered porch that can't be seen from the road and 1080p cameras.  That's fine.
 
2021-11-26 12:23:09 PM  
I have a smart garage door opener. The few times I ordered something expensive the delivery person texted me and I opened the garage door remotely so they could place it inside. I gave them 3 minutes, then shut the door.

/ Bad habit of forgetting to shut the door at night in the summer
// Faces west so it gets really hot in the afternoon/evening and heats up the house
/// Three slashies.
 
2021-11-26 12:25:44 PM  

DoganSquirrelSlayer: So, stepping aside from the masculine one-upsmanship contest going from glitterbomb, to kidnapping, to shotgun, to claymore...

I looked at my amazon buying history list and maybe like... 1/10 or less packages had anything even remotely fenceable. So you follow around an amazon van all day, risking getting your car identified and arrested, risking getting shot by the person actually being home... for like a box of pushpins or some crap? The risk/reward seems way the fark off.

I wonder what percentage of porch pirates are someone just walking by and seeing a crime of opportunity, vs someone driving around a block behind the amazon van.


Only box I ever had stolen was 6 additional plastic containers for my yogurt maker. Probably ended up in the thief's trash.
 
2021-11-26 12:34:02 PM  
you call your retired dad to pick it up a mile away...like my daughter did.

retirement does not mean you get to do nothing.
 
2021-11-26 12:34:18 PM  

jtown: bthom37: Tangentially, I saw an ad for Ring, I believe, that would allow you to unlock your door remotely for someone to (in the ad) leave a pizza on a table for you while you're in the bath.

Strangely, in my experience of watching videos where someone is in the bath and pizza gets delivered, the driver then left without having sex with the homeowner.

Very confusing.  Not sure why Ring is trying to destroy the pizza driver/gigolo business.

Yeah, that's frickin' crazy.  No way am I letting some stranger wander into my house whether I'm in the bath or not.  "Sure, Mr. Rando.  Come on in the living room where you can see my wallet, keys, and phone sitting on the table.  There's a laptop or two in the office.  Help yourself.  I'm taking a shiat and it's gonna be a while."  I won't even do the garage door delivery.  I have a covered porch that can't be seen from the road and 1080p cameras.  That's fine.


Have you considered trying Metamucil? Maybe stewed prunes?
 
2021-11-26 12:37:03 PM  

iheartscotch: Box up some particularly smelly dog poo and put it on your porch.


I used to do this as a silly trick but I would take my dog poop and wrap it up in birthday paper and leave it on the road  and watch the cars stop and pick up the present then throw it out the window a few yards later. It got old fast and I also ran out of scotch tape and ran out of wrapping paper.
 
2021-11-26 12:37:15 PM  

catmandu: I have a smart garage door opener. The few times I ordered something expensive the delivery person texted me and I opened the garage door remotely so they could place it inside. I gave them 3 minutes, then shut the door.

/ Bad habit of forgetting to shut the door at night in the summer
// Faces west so it gets really hot in the afternoon/evening and heats up the house
/// Three slashies.


Oh, man.  Back in the way-before, I had a roommate who was terrible about closing the garage door.  Sometimes I'd head out of town right after work Friday and come back Sunday to find the roommate's car gone and the garage door wide open.  "Sorry, man."  Somehow, our other roommate's bright orange mountain bike never got stolen.
 
2021-11-26 12:44:47 PM  
I wonder if the morans carrying water for the Somali pirates in the other thread will show up and defend the porch pirates as poor, economically disadvantaged people who are just trying to scrape by stealing other people's stuff.
 
2021-11-26 12:52:04 PM  

Misch: Use an Amazon Locker or an Amazon Hub and pick up packages from there.


This completely defeats the purpose of having easy deliveries to your home. The fact that porch pirates are so prevalent and can be on multiple Ring doorbells plain as day committing a crime with zero consequences is the problem.

On a side note, we have some local retail businesses that are letting neighborhood residents use their facility to ship packages to which is pretty cool. The businesses like it because it helps bring in customers and is free PR on FB and Nextdoor.
 
2021-11-26 12:58:45 PM  

iheartscotch: omg bbq: iheartscotch: Box up some particularly smelly dog poo and put it on your porch.

My dog is so sick in her bum right now that when I let her out this morning the first time I thought she was growling, but it was just her bum-music.

It would be perfect for this.

Oh no. I hope she feels better soon. Having a sick pup is, in the words of the noted scholar Charles Barkley, Turrible.


She brought it upon herself. My girlfriend's dog is not The World's Biggest Diva so she does not have to have her house as dog-hardened as I do in regards to where treats and other stuff are stored.
So she ate most of a Costco size box of treats when she was over there while my partner and I were distracted.
It's now playing out as musical a poo-river in my back yard.
 
2021-11-26 1:04:41 PM  
I do my shopping local and in person.

That works really well
 
2021-11-26 1:16:57 PM  
weeklystorybook.comView Full Size

I just hired a retired hall monitor
 
2021-11-26 1:21:04 PM  

iheartscotch: Box up some particularly smelly dog poo and put it on your porch.


Dog poo? After yesterday's feast there's plenty of genuine human feces to go around.

The real trick is getting it rigged with the Whippet cartridge to ensure it gets forcefully ejected  as soon as someone opens the package.
 
2021-11-26 1:36:59 PM  

asmodeus224: I do my shopping local and in person.

That works really well


Not everybody lives in a city.

/ I bought a new computer recently at a brick and mortar store instead of ordering online like I usually do, it still feels weird
// the rig has all the things I wanted to order, though
 
2021-11-26 1:55:33 PM  

TheGreatGazoo: [weeklystorybook.com image 208x209]
I just hired a retired hall monitor


I can't believe there are more than four people on the planet that would get a Funky Winkerbean reference.

It follows that they're all on Fark.


Now then, a general rant.

You dumb, mindless, lazy cocksuckers have made your own beds here.
"I don't wanna have to go out to the store. I just push button on internet!"

Well, thanks. Even before covid you lazy assholes had pretty much killed
what you derisively call "brick and mortar". I used to be able to get anything I needed within walking
distance. Art supplies, modelmaking supplies, hardware, electronic bits. And these places were
well-stocked. You assholes drove everything to the internet.
Now, instead of walking and having what I need immediately (plumbing parts, for example)
it's fark you, order each thing from a different company.

They put my three dollar item in a cardboard box with bubble wrap and someone has to drive
that little thing around and I get it hopefully, two days later.

Stop ordering so much crap you farking willing shut-ins.
 
2021-11-26 1:56:17 PM  

Evil Mackerel: Airsoft claymore.

[Fark user image 640x640]
Electric Remote Control Claymore


The real thing works a whole lot better for porch pirates.  Need help setting it up?  Find your local Viet Nam veteran 11Bravo grunt for assistance.

Fark user imageView Full Size
 
2021-11-26 2:00:15 PM  

Claude Ballse: I'm in no way advocating it, but I fully expect that one day we'll hear a story about some porch pirate who gets kidnapped and tortured for some number of years by the homeowner in their basement.


That would be a nightmarish thing to come to light and I hope that day never comes to pass.  For what its worth I did my part to avoid it, do you realize how expensive sounding proofing materials have gotten in the last couple years?
 
2021-11-26 2:14:54 PM  
Glitterbomb 3.0 vs. Porch Pirates
Youtube h4T_LlK1VE4
 
2021-11-26 2:16:29 PM  

151: I had to porch pirate my own damn food from my across the hall neighbors a week ago. farking doordash driver texted me after she dropped it off "lol sorry, I left it across the hall cuz I forgot the apartment number"

IT'S RIGHT THERE ON YOUR GODDAMN PHONE LADY, THE SAME ONE YOU'RE TEXTING ME ON RIGHT NOW

/end rant, csb


Door Dash should penalize any Dasher who:

A) Cannot read
B) Cannot navigate without GPS
C) Cannot check the order notes prior to attempting to deliver
D) Does not have their in-app phone number connected
E) Does not check their in-app messages prior to attempting delivery
 
2021-11-26 2:32:33 PM  

SloppyFrenchKisser: Attack dog on a long leash?


How would you get your package delivered then?
 
2021-11-26 2:48:12 PM  

asmodeus224: I do my shopping local and in person.

That works really well


I like the mall. There I said it. My GF works there so I'm there a lot. Amazon worked better with my new PC because I had to buy the separate components (8G of RAM is bullshiat).
 
2021-11-26 2:56:37 PM  

DeathByGeekSquad: 151: I had to porch pirate my own damn food from my across the hall neighbors a week ago. farking doordash driver texted me after she dropped it off "lol sorry, I left it across the hall cuz I forgot the apartment number"

IT'S RIGHT THERE ON YOUR GODDAMN PHONE LADY, THE SAME ONE YOU'RE TEXTING ME ON RIGHT NOW

/end rant, csb

Door Dash should penalize any Dasher who:

A) Cannot read
B) Cannot navigate without GPS
C) Cannot check the order notes prior to attempting to deliver
D) Does not have their in-app phone number connected
E) Does not check their in-app messages prior to attempting delivery



Or you could haul your ass off the couch and pick up your own damn cheeseburgers.
 
2021-11-26 3:22:51 PM  

bthom37: Tangentially, I saw an ad for Ring, I believe, that would allow you to unlock your door remotely for someone to (in the ad) leave a pizza on a table for you while you're in the bath.

Strangely, in my experience of watching videos where someone is in the bath and pizza gets delivered, the driver then left without having sex with the homeowner.

Very confusing.  Not sure why Ring is trying to destroy the pizza driver/gigolo business.


Why would you order a pizza then take a bath?
 
2021-11-26 3:24:36 PM  

Petroleum Oligarch: bthom37: Tangentially, I saw an ad for Ring, I believe, that would allow you to unlock your door remotely for someone to (in the ad) leave a pizza on a table for you while you're in the bath.

Strangely, in my experience of watching videos where someone is in the bath and pizza gets delivered, the driver then left without having sex with the homeowner.

Very confusing.  Not sure why Ring is trying to destroy the pizza driver/gigolo business.

Why would you order a pizza then take a bath?


Maybe it was Dominos?
 
2021-11-26 4:05:02 PM  
i1.theportalwiki.netView Full Size

/hellooooooo? Are you still there?
 
2021-11-26 4:08:35 PM  
Best advice? Have it delivered to work. Anything my wife orders goes to her work, helps that she's the boss and can do what she wants. I don't order online often, but I took her lead. Have it delivered to my work. They do not give a Fark. It's just one more package out of many, MANY, we get a week. Just makes sense. There is at least 6 people on site 24/7. One or two boxes is nothing. We get skids of stuff almost daily. Nobody gives a shiat if I bought an air-fryer and had it delivered to work. I know, cause I did that. Have anything I order delivered to work.(I don't order much other than chinese, that comes to the res).
 
2021-11-26 7:37:38 PM  

cakeman: iheartscotch: Box up some particularly smelly dog poo and put it on your porch.

I used to do this as a silly trick but I would take my dog poop and wrap it up in birthday paper and leave it on the road  and watch the cars stop and pick up the present then throw it out the window a few yards later. It got old fast and I also ran out of scotch tape and ran out of wrapping paper.


Order some more.
 
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