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(Twitter)   Martha Stewart doesn't need a man   (twitter.com) divider line
    More: Giggity, shot  
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2128 clicks; posted to Entertainment » on 27 Oct 2021 at 12:05 PM (4 weeks ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook



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View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest
 
2021-10-27 10:52:48 AM  
Original Tweet:

 
2021-10-27 11:17:20 AM  
Her lovely garden is producing a bumper crop in cucumbers.
 
2021-10-27 11:20:53 AM  
She's got her glue gun and her glitter gun. Happiness is a warm gun, eh?
 
2021-10-27 11:28:46 AM  
She just needs some bangin' ass weed.
 
2021-10-27 11:29:59 AM  
She's a felon, she smokes weed, she's made (not inherited) a billion dollars, and she'll cook you a Christmas dinner that would knock your ass down.


I love that woman.
 
2021-10-27 12:09:34 PM  

brantgoose: She's got her glue gun and her glitter gun. Happiness is a warm gun, eh?


As a felon, those are the only kinds of gun she can have, anyway
 
2021-10-27 12:13:35 PM  
She can come mow my property
 
2021-10-27 12:13:52 PM  

Combustion: She's a felon, she smokes weed, she's made (not inherited) a billion dollars, and she'll cook you a Christmas dinner that would knock your ass down.


I love that woman.


I've met her.  She is by far one of the coolest and nicest people I've ever met.  Yeah, I've head the stories - my sister had a friend who worked for her and quit because of her on-air personality.  But when she's not being "Martha", she is absolutely hilarious and very gracious.  And really down to earth.  And frighteningly intelligent.
 
2021-10-27 12:15:11 PM  
Snoop Dogg has really changed Martha Stewart.

i.gifer.comView Full Size
 
2021-10-27 12:19:45 PM  

Combustion: She's a felon, she smokes weed, she's made (not inherited) a billion dollars, and she'll cook you a Christmas dinner that would knock your ass down.


I love that woman.


And she's BFF's with Snoop.

Come ON!  How can one not love her?
 
2021-10-27 12:20:09 PM  
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2021-10-27 12:20:47 PM  
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Need a time machine
 
2021-10-27 12:23:36 PM  
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2021-10-27 12:26:53 PM  
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She probably feels the same way as Goldie as Whoopi. I know I do.
 
2021-10-27 12:36:15 PM  

Benevolent Misanthrope: her on-air personality. But when she's not being "Martha"



I won't watch 'Chopped' if she is one of the judges. I guess that's her "on-air personality".
 
2021-10-27 12:43:59 PM  
Well, she ate her last two.
 
2021-10-27 12:48:24 PM  
She's a rich privileged white woman who should be in prison. Cancel her.
 
2021-10-27 12:52:47 PM  

The Googles Do Nothing: She's a rich privileged white woman who should be in prison. Cancel her.


Don't you talk about my Martha like that
 
2021-10-27 1:00:35 PM  

The Googles Do Nothing: She's a rich privileged white woman who should be in prison. Cancel her.


Her last stand up special triggered me like I've never been triggered before.
 
2021-10-27 1:01:38 PM  

Abe Vigoda's Ghost: [Fark user image image 850x849]

Need a time machine


Why? She's still fine AF.
 
2021-10-27 1:04:16 PM  

dionysusaur: Abe Vigoda's Ghost: [Fark user image image 850x849]

Need a time machine

Why? She's still fine AF.


Yup. I wouldn't kick her out of bed for eating crackers.

Which she would never do on her perfectly smooth and fitted Martha Stewart Collection sheets.
 
2021-10-27 1:11:46 PM  

The Googles Do Nothing: She's a rich privileged white woman who should be in prison. Cancel her.


I mean she already served time in prison. Martha should've just become a member of Congress if she wanted to trade stocks using insider information and face zero consequences.
 
2021-10-27 1:21:12 PM  
She's be getting into Snoop's stash?
 
2021-10-27 1:22:51 PM  

Benevolent Misanthrope: Combustion: She's a felon, she smokes weed, she's made (not inherited) a billion dollars, and she'll cook you a Christmas dinner that would knock your ass down.


I love that woman.

I've met her.  She is by far one of the coolest and nicest people I've ever met.  Yeah, I've head the stories - my sister had a friend who worked for her and quit because of her on-air personality.  But when she's not being "Martha", she is absolutely hilarious and very gracious.  And really down to earth.  And frighteningly intelligent.


And absolutely deadly with a shank from the stories I've heard. Allegedly, she was the head of the Aryan Sisterhood when she was in the slammer.
 
2021-10-27 1:24:31 PM  
Oblig. :

I WANT TO SLAP MARTHA STEWART
(with apologies to Martha Stewart devotees)

Dear Santa:

I rarely ask for much. This year is no exception. I don't need diamond earrings, handy slicer-dicers or comfy slippers. I only want one little thing, and I want it deeply. I want to slap Martha Stewart.

Now, hear me out, Santa. I won't scar her or draw blood or anything. Just one good smack, right across her smug little cheek. I get all cozy inside just thinking about it. Don't grant this wish just for me, do it for thousands of women across the country. Through sheer vicarious satisfaction, you'll be giving a gift to us all. Those of us leading average, garden variety lives aren't concerned with gracious living. We feel pretty good about ourselves if our paper plates match when we stack them on the counter, buffet-style for dinner. We're tired of Martha showing us how to make centerpieces from hollyhock dipped in 18 carat gold. We're plumb out of liquid gold. Unless it's of the furniture polish variety. We can't whip up Martha's creamy holiday sauce, spiced with turmeric. Most of us can't even say turmeric, let alone figure out what to do with it.

OK, Santa, maybe you think I'm being a little harsh. But I'll bet with all the holiday rush you didn't catch that interview with Martha in last week's USA Weekend. I'm surprised there was enough room on the page for her ego. We discovered that not only does Martha avoid take-out pizza (she's only ordered it once), she refuses to eat it cold. (No cold pizza? Is Martha Stewart Living?) When it was pointed out that she could microwave it, she replied, "I don't have a microwave." The reporter, Jeffrey Zaslow, noted that she said this "in a tone that suggests you shouldn't, either." Well, lah-dee-dah. Imagine that, Santa! that lovely microwave you brought me years ago, in which I've learned to make complicated dishes like popcorn and hot chocolate, has been declared undesirable by Queen Martha. What next? The coffee maker?

In the article, we learned that Martha has 40 sets of dishes adorning an entire wall in her home. Forty sets. Can you spell "overkill"? And neatly put away, no less. If my dishes make it to the dishwasher, that qualifies as "put away" in my house! Martha tells us she's already making homemade holiday gifts for friends. "Last year, I made amazing silk-lined scarves for everyone," she boasts. Not just scarves, mind you. Amazing scarves. Martha's obviously not shy about giving herself a little pat on the back. In fact, she does so with such frequency that one has to wonder if her back is black and blue.

She goes on to tell us that "homemaking is glamour for the 90s," and says her most glamorous friends are "interested in stain removal, how to iron a monogram, and how to fold a towel." I have one piece of advice, Martha: "Get new friends". Glamorous friends fly to Paris on a whim. They drift past the Greek Islands on yachts, sipping champagne from crystal goblets. They step out for the evening in shimmering satin gowns, whisked away by tuxedoed chauffeurs. They do not spend their days pondering the finer art of toilet bowl sanitation.

Zaslow notes that Martha was named one of America's 25 most influential people by Time magazine (nosing out Mother Theresa, Madeline Allbright and Maya Angelou, no doubt). The proof of Martha's influence: after she bought white-fleshed peaches in the supermarket, Martha says, "People saw me buy them. In an instant, they were all gone." I hope Martha never decides to jump off a bridge.

A guest in Martha's home told Zaslow how Martha gets up early to rollerblade with her dogs to pick fresh wild blackberries for breakfast. This confirms what I've suspected about Martha all along: She's obviously got too much time on her hands. Teaching the dogs to rollerblade. What a show off.

If you think the dogs are spoiled, listen to how Martha treats her friends: She gave one friend all 272 books from the Knopf Everyman. It didn't cost much. Pocket change, really. Just $5,000. But what price friendship, right? When asked if others should envy her, Martha replies, "Don't envy me. I'm doing this because I'm a natural teacher. You shouldn't envy teachers. You should listen to them."

Zaslow must have slit a seam in Martha's ego at this point, because once the hot air came hissing out, it couldn't be held back. "Being an overachiever is nothing despicable. It is only admirable. Never lower your standards," says Martha. And of her Web Page on the Internet, Martha declares herself an "important presence" as she graciously helps people organize their sad, tacky little lives.

There you have it, Santa. If there was ever someone who deserved a good smack, it's Martha Stewart. But I bet I won't get my gift this year. You probably want to smack her yourself.
 
2021-10-27 1:33:28 PM  
I would change my name to John Deere for her.
 
2021-10-27 1:46:28 PM  

Kris_Romm: She's be getting into Snoop's stash?


I think they've gotten into each other's, so to speak.
 
2021-10-27 1:55:34 PM  
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I love Martha and am unashamed.
 
2021-10-27 2:05:38 PM  
I record and watch all of her cooking shows. There I admitted it. Now leave me alone, she's making a cowboy steak.
 
2021-10-27 2:21:56 PM  

dionysusaur: Abe Vigoda's Ghost: [Fark user image image 850x849]

Need a time machine

Why? She's still fine AF.


Yeah, but I'm not. I need a time machine to go back when I was young and pretty.
 
2021-10-27 2:24:35 PM  

Abe Vigoda's Ghost: dionysusaur: Abe Vigoda's Ghost: [Fark user image image 850x849]

Need a time machine

Why? She's still fine AF.

Yeah, but I'm not. I need a time machine to go back when I was young and pretty.


Were you ever, though?
I would still have to rely entirely on charm.
(._.)
 
2021-10-27 2:42:20 PM  

BeatrixK: Combustion: She's a felon, she smokes weed, she's made (not inherited) a billion dollars, and she'll cook you a Christmas dinner that would knock your ass down.


I love that woman.

And she's BFF's with Snoop.

Come ON!  How can one not love her?


Years from now, we are going to hear about them being Friends with Benefits, and ... I would call it a win for both of them

/this is pure speculation on my part
 
2021-10-27 2:54:04 PM  
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2021-10-27 3:07:24 PM  

Cafe Threads: Oblig. :

I WANT TO SLAP MARTHA STEWART
(with apologies to Martha Stewart devotees)

Dear Santa:

I rarely ask for much. This year is no exception. I don't need diamond earrings, handy slicer-dicers or comfy slippers. I only want one little thing, and I want it deeply. I want to slap Martha Stewart.

Now, hear me out, Santa. I won't scar her or draw blood or anything. Just one good smack, right across her smug little cheek. I get all cozy inside just thinking about it. Don't grant this wish just for me, do it for thousands of women across the country. Through sheer vicarious satisfaction, you'll be giving a gift to us all. Those of us leading average, garden variety lives aren't concerned with gracious living. We feel pretty good about ourselves if our paper plates match when we stack them on the counter, buffet-style for dinner. We're tired of Martha showing us how to make centerpieces from hollyhock dipped in 18 carat gold. We're plumb out of liquid gold. Unless it's of the furniture polish variety. We can't whip up Martha's creamy holiday sauce, spiced with turmeric. Most of us can't even say turmeric, let alone figure out what to do with it.

OK, Santa, maybe you think I'm being a little harsh. But I'll bet with all the holiday rush you didn't catch that interview with Martha in last week's USA Weekend. I'm surprised there was enough room on the page for her ego. We discovered that not only does Martha avoid take-out pizza (she's only ordered it once), she refuses to eat it cold. (No cold pizza? Is Martha Stewart Living?) When it was pointed out that she could microwave it, she replied, "I don't have a microwave." The reporter, Jeffrey Zaslow, noted that she said this "in a tone that suggests you shouldn't, either." Well, lah-dee-dah. Imagine that, Santa! that lovely microwave you brought me years ago, in which I've learned to make complicated dishes like popcorn and hot chocolate, has been declared undesirable by Queen Martha. What next? The coffee maker?

In t ...


Notify her Slapsgiving is coming.

tv-fanatic-res.cloudinary.comView Full Size
 
2021-10-27 3:11:47 PM  
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2021-10-27 3:17:55 PM  

ImOscar: The Googles Do Nothing: She's a rich privileged white woman who should be in prison. Cancel her.

I mean she already served time in prison. Martha should've just become a member of Congress if she wanted to trade stocks using insider information and face zero consequences.


Ask former Rep. Chris Collins about that. Ok he only did two months before Trump gave him a pardon...
 
2021-10-27 3:37:00 PM  
You know you're a certain age when you can't tell if you're turned on by the riding mower or the 80 year old woman bouncing on its seat.
 
2021-10-27 3:37:59 PM  
Sister Bliss (feat. Collette) - Cantgetaman Cantgetajob (Life's A Bitch)
Youtube 23ll1gtrhqI
 
2021-10-27 3:49:13 PM  
Im friends with the guy on facebook who does her landscaping.

I like Martha. She seems like she would be fun to hang out with.
 
2021-10-27 4:14:39 PM  

Bread314: You know you're a certain age when you can't tell if you're turned on by the riding mower or the 80 year old woman bouncing on its seat.


I mean...uh...yeah.
 
2021-10-27 5:53:38 PM  

The Googles Do Nothing: She's a rich privileged white woman who should be in prison. Cancel her.


She did her time.
 
2021-10-27 7:45:26 PM  
I used to see her sometimes in NYC back when she was a model. I worked for a photographer and while we never worked with her, she seemed to always be around. She was friendly and a little cool, preferring to keep strangers as strangers if you know what I mean. George Lois said he thought she could be a Hitchcock girl if she had been an actress.
 
2021-10-28 6:14:49 AM  

CivilizedTiger: [i.ytimg.com image 480x360]


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