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(Some Guy)   Any farkers have experience dealing with narcissistic co-workers? Looking for advice   (tmaworld.com) divider line
    More: Sad, Narcissistic personality disorder, Narcissism, narcissistic behaviors, roots of unhealthy narcissism, normal human development, Antisocial personality disorder, narcissistic tendencies, real feelings of self-esteem  
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295 clicks; posted to Discussion » on 27 Oct 2021 at 12:50 PM (5 weeks ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook



41 Comments     (+0 »)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest
 
2021-10-27 12:34:50 PM  
Bosses count?

Because bosses is my answer.
 
2021-10-27 12:52:13 PM  
Don't share any of your vulnerabilities, I got a weird smack in the face with that one once, back when the word was not in the common lexicon.
 
2021-10-27 12:53:25 PM  

Cafe Threads: Bosses count?

Because bosses is my answer.


Ditto here.  I ended up quitting.
 
2021-10-27 12:55:10 PM  
My boss is a full out narcissist.  All you have to do to keep her off your back is to tell her you like her:
Shoes
Earrings
Hair
Top
Skirt
blah blah blah

She is the most useless twat I have ever worked with.  We have staff meetings and she decided to do photos at the beginning of every meeting.  Yes, some pertain to work, but I am pretty sure she set the whole thing up so that she can show us her vacation pics, pictures of her dog, etc.

She uses the time as a personal brag fest.  And of course here I am working 20 years at this place and making $36k a year and I just love to see her photos from the Bahamas.  It is so refreshing when I am trying to figure out how to pay the rent this month.
 
2021-10-27 12:58:33 PM  
Document the fark out of every interaction - preferably to an outside email address.
 
2021-10-27 1:01:44 PM  
Worked with a salesman whose usual greeting was to kind of slump in the "doorway" of your cubicle and in a bored, nonchalant voice, say, "....I need you to do me a favor..." like it was a hassle for him to shirk some of what he should be doing onto you.  I don't think he understood how much his co-workers resented that; I doubt if he gave it a second thought.
 
2021-10-27 1:03:14 PM  
The best way to deal with them is not to placate them but to get under their skin enough so the blow up and do something really stupid in front of their higher ups.
 
2021-10-27 1:03:26 PM  
Walk away. You'll never win. They will always be the victim or the Hero. Ignore them quietly.
 
2021-10-27 1:05:05 PM  
If you're put on any kind of collaborative project, be sure to document your contributions immaculately.

They will attempt to take credit for your work
 
2021-10-27 1:06:59 PM  
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/bl​o​g/toxic-relationships/201911/the-price​-and-payoff-gray-rock-strategy
One strategy for dealing with a narcissist or sociopath is to act like a "gray rock," meaning that you become uninteresting and unresponsive. Using the Gray Rock method, your objective is to make someone lose interest in you. You don't feed their needs for drama or attention. You don't show emotion, say anything interesting, or disclose any personal information. Nor do you ask questions or participate in conversations, except for brief factual replies. Limit your answers to a few syllables or a nod. Say "maybe" or "I don't know." Additionally, make yourself plain and unattractive, so your partner gains no pleasure in showing you off or being seen with you. This maneuver removes the narcissist's "narcissistic supply." For sociopaths and borderline personalities, it deprives them of drama.
 
2021-10-27 1:07:31 PM  

Cafe Threads: Bosses count?

Because bosses is my answer.


I don't know about bosses, but some of my underlings are definitely self-centered narcissists.  I even try to reach them half-way with things like showing photos before a meetings, but it's like they would rather talk about work issues instead of seeing some nice pics of my week in Maui. They are so self-absorbed they simply can't think of others or give them a moment's time. I just can't bring myself to award them a raise, even if the work is good. There is more to work than 'work' after all.
 
2021-10-27 1:08:41 PM  
I worked with the most self-righteous Christian, lift-up-the-hem-of-his-garment-to-avoi​d-sinners jackass I've ever met. Does that count?

Retired now. Don't care.
 
2021-10-27 1:13:51 PM  
Quit your job.  You can't outmanuever nutcases.  They're psychic like that.

Befuddled: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/bl​o​g/toxic-relationships/201911/the-price​-and-payoff-gray-rock-strategy
One strategy for dealing with a narcissist or sociopath is to act like a "gray rock," meaning that you become uninteresting and unresponsive. Using the Gray Rock method, your objective is to make someone lose interest in you. You don't feed their needs for drama or attention. You don't show emotion, say anything interesting, or disclose any personal information. Nor do you ask questions or participate in conversations, except for brief factual replies. Limit your answers to a few syllables or a nod. Say "maybe" or "I don't know." Additionally, make yourself plain and unattractive, so your partner gains no pleasure in showing you off or being seen with you. This maneuver removes the narcissist's "narcissistic supply." For sociopaths and borderline personalities, it deprives them of drama.


Which means that eventually, I quit.  Have you ever had a nutcase sabotage you behind your back--and then you can't do a thing about it, because  the way they set it up?  They will do that. Their desire is  a direct confrontation, because while most people don't catch on the subtle stuff, they will immediately notice if you lose it and accuse them of harassment or something.  That is their time to shine.

I don't hang around for it anymore.  Another reason I can barely hold on to a job anymore.  I had enough of those people. They destroyed my life.  Either kill them, or bail out.
 
2021-10-27 1:17:53 PM  

Lambskincoat: Don't share any of your vulnerabilities, I got a weird smack in the face with that one once, back when the word was not in the common lexicon.


Absolutely.  This is why nobody gets any personal information from me until I know them a while.  I used to be a super naive person.....then I married one of these nuts.  Don't let them suck the life out of you.  Every bit of friendliness that you see from them--it's so flattering, they don't even know you!--is to get personal information from you, so they can use it later.
 
2021-10-27 1:27:37 PM  
Find some ultra high level spicy crystals (in the millions range) and figure out how to sneak them into their drink
 
2021-10-27 2:00:47 PM  
Maybe ya shoulda considered this BEFORE becoming a personal assistant to a Kardashian?
 
2021-10-27 2:01:46 PM  
If this is someone above you in the organization, GTFO, especially if you report to them.   Aside from that, I'm making assumptions this is someone you have to collaborate with regularly and simply avoiding them isn't viable.  It's also an assumtion they aren't as competent as they believe they are, but that's not saying they aren't competent at all.  I don't know that poor performance would eventually weed them out.  But if they are a poor performer that blames failure on anyone/anything other than themselves, this will be easy to document.

The lack of specifics in the office dynamics does make it a bit more difficult to assess, but generally if a narcissist finds you boring, they won't bother with you.  If they do get weirdly fixated on you, then that opens them up to action on (non-sexual) harassment.  But if the narcissist is well-loved in your office, even they aren't above you in the org chart, then other avenues of employment are advised.
 
2021-10-27 2:03:06 PM  
Be a bigger narcissist.
 
2021-10-27 2:08:47 PM  
Sorry, I'm better than everyone else I work with so I have never had that problem.
 
2021-10-27 2:15:22 PM  
I once had a coworker who caused a major screw up on a project we were working on. I asked him whether it was a case of ignorance or apathy. He said, "I don't know and I don't care."
 
2021-10-27 2:23:08 PM  
Ignore the people irritating you if it is not work-related?
 
2021-10-27 2:34:03 PM  
I had a toxic coworker get taken away by the police today, for probation violation. He got fired from his last job, supposedly because somebody else started a fight with him. And I can see why, because he is always interrupting people to say the most obnoxious thing possible, and saying "I should beat your ass." I was kind of waiting until his behavior added up to a lawsuit.

But I have been looking for work elsewhere because of another toxic employee. She takes pride in getting people to quit. After she got my friend to quit, I called her out on it and she got into a screaming match with me, where I kept calmly pointing out things like her constant talking about her cocaine use, her sexual harassment comments.... She kept screaming how she didn't care what I thought, and I kept calmly pointing out the things that jeopardized the company. I was giving them a perfect chance to fire her. A few weeks later, I needed to print labels and suddenly she needed use that computer. I started saying that I needed to get my work done as well, and I heard the irritation and anger in my voice. I then stopped in mid-sentence and calmly said, "Oh, THAT'S why you did that," and walked away without printing my labels. She has quit trying to provoke me since then. Like others pointed out, I cut off her narcissistic supply.

She's the reason I've decided to get my real estate license. Thanks, crazy lady!
 
2021-10-27 2:34:10 PM  
Don't do what I did, which was hang around for 15 years while even the people you wanted to go away finally left. Act faster.
 
2021-10-27 2:39:59 PM  

Befuddled: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/bl​o​g/toxic-relationships/201911/the-price​-and-payoff-gray-rock-strategy
One strategy for dealing with a narcissist or sociopath is to act like a "gray rock," meaning that you become uninteresting and unresponsive. Using the Gray Rock method, your objective is to make someone lose interest in you. You don't feed their needs for drama or attention. You don't show emotion, say anything interesting, or disclose any personal information. Nor do you ask questions or participate in conversations, except for brief factual replies. Limit your answers to a few syllables or a nod. Say "maybe" or "I don't know." Additionally, make yourself plain and unattractive, so your partner gains no pleasure in showing you off or being seen with you. This maneuver removes the narcissist's "narcissistic supply." For sociopaths and borderline personalities, it deprives them of drama.


I didn't realize there was a term for this strategy, but it's pretty much how I handle our dept narcissist. How narcissistic is he, you ask? If you were to say, "Nice to meet you!" his response will be, "Yes, it really is."

Let me put it this way: he has a PhD. If there were an emergency and someone asked, "Is anyone here a doctor?" he would yell, "I am a doctor!"   

I avoid him at all costs, and thankfully our positions are different enough that I can do so effectively.
 
2021-10-27 3:01:58 PM  
Had two overlords who were legends in their own minds. They had gone to the same college and worked at the college's TV station, so they knew *everything*.

I finally figured out the difference between the two of them.  The boss was certain he was the smartest person in the room.  The senior producer was certain he was the only smart person in the room.
 
2021-10-27 3:02:44 PM  

Sawdust and Mildew: Don't do what I did, which was hang around for 15 years while even the people you wanted to go away finally left. Act faster.


Or do what I did: try to hang on while your self-esteem takes a beating to the point of not having any confidence to land another job, be afraid to take medical leave for your mental health because you won't have a job to come back to, and get your hours reduced in an attempt to make you quit.

In the end, I got a position in another department, working for a manager that helps their staff do their jobs instead of crapping on them. My former manager? She was "encouraged" to retire as soon as she was eligible for early retirement.
 
2021-10-27 3:36:30 PM  

Spice Must Flow: I had a toxic coworker get taken away by the police today, for probation violation. He got fired from his last job, supposedly because somebody else started a fight with him. And I can see why, because he is always interrupting people to say the most obnoxious thing possible, and saying "I should beat your ass." I was kind of waiting until his behavior added up to a lawsuit.

But I have been looking for work elsewhere because of another toxic employee. She takes pride in getting people to quit. After she got my friend to quit, I called her out on it and she got into a screaming match with me, where I kept calmly pointing out things like her constant talking about her cocaine use, her sexual harassment comments.... She kept screaming how she didn't care what I thought, and I kept calmly pointing out the things that jeopardized the company. I was giving them a perfect chance to fire her. A few weeks later, I needed to print labels and suddenly she needed use that computer. I started saying that I needed to get my work done as well, and I heard the irritation and anger in my voice. I then stopped in mid-sentence and calmly said, "Oh, THAT'S why you did that," and walked away without printing my labels. She has quit trying to provoke me since then. Like others pointed out, I cut off her narcissistic supply.

She's the reason I've decided to get my real estate license. Thanks, crazy lady!


Real estate license?

Oh sweetie, your dance with crazy hasn't even begun
 
2021-10-27 3:49:53 PM  
Little bit too late for that now Mr. Pence, doncha think?
 
2021-10-27 3:58:35 PM  
Document, document, document.  Even if you leave the company (which you probably should), you'll have a detailed file to drop on your higher higher ups or other concerned agencies - licensing boards, etc. on your way out the door.  I've seen that make a real difference in public service agencies and it's cathartic even if it doesn't make a damn bit of material difference.
 
2021-10-27 4:49:15 PM  

Sawdust and Mildew: Don't do what I did, which was hang around for 15 years while even the people you wanted to go away finally left. Act faster.


This works. I've been with my job 25 years and have seen about 20-25 office/department managers come and go. The really narcissistic/passive aggressive ones make you want to quit, but I just bite my tongue and bide my time, wait 'em out, they usually last about 12 to 18 months. Unfortunately the good ones who do the best work are generally gone even faster. Middle management is a pretty tough gig I imagine.

I moved to another part of the company 8 years ago and that department has the same leader turnover rate as the one I left. Middle management must really suck.

/love my job.
 
2021-10-27 4:55:42 PM  

crzybtch: My boss is a full out narcissist.  All you have to do to keep her off your back is to tell her you like her:
Shoes
Earrings
Hair
Top
Skirt
blah blah blah

She is the most useless twat I have ever worked with.  We have staff meetings and she decided to do photos at the beginning of every meeting.  Yes, some pertain to work, but I am pretty sure she set the whole thing up so that she can show us her vacation pics, pictures of her dog, etc.

She uses the time as a personal brag fest.  And of course here I am working 20 years at this place and making $36k a year and I just love to see her photos from the Bahamas.  It is so refreshing when I am trying to figure out how to pay the rent this month.


You can make $36k a year at a lot of places.  Some of them might not be run by assholes.
 
2021-10-27 4:57:57 PM  
Need more details.
 
2021-10-27 4:59:06 PM  

cryinoutloud: Quit your job.  You can't outmanuever nutcases.  They're psychic like that.

Befuddled: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blo​g/toxic-relationships/201911/the-price​-and-payoff-gray-rock-strategy
One strategy for dealing with a narcissist or sociopath is to act like a "gray rock," meaning that you become uninteresting and unresponsive. Using the Gray Rock method, your objective is to make someone lose interest in you. You don't feed their needs for drama or attention. You don't show emotion, say anything interesting, or disclose any personal information. Nor do you ask questions or participate in conversations, except for brief factual replies. Limit your answers to a few syllables or a nod. Say "maybe" or "I don't know." Additionally, make yourself plain and unattractive, so your partner gains no pleasure in showing you off or being seen with you. This maneuver removes the narcissist's "narcissistic supply." For sociopaths and borderline personalities, it deprives them of drama.

Which means that eventually, I quit.  Have you ever had a nutcase sabotage you behind your back--and then you can't do a thing about it, because  the way they set it up?  They will do that. Their desire is  a direct confrontation, because while most people don't catch on the subtle stuff, they will immediately notice if you lose it and accuse them of harassment or something.  That is their time to shine.

I don't hang around for it anymore.  Another reason I can barely hold on to a job anymore.  I had enough of those people. They destroyed my life.  Either kill them, or bail out.


Are you me?
 
2021-10-27 5:02:07 PM  
I once had a lead blame me. Knowing exactly what he was doing. A minute before we had been alone and everything was fine, that changed the moment the owner walked up.

The same place printed the wrong date code on 30,000 bottles. Before we started that run I made a big stink about it, everyone knew, owner and all. For whatever reason no one wanted to listen. We had to clean and redo them all by hand.

Many many more examples from this same place. I eventually ended up literally running it, I reported to no one except the owner.

It still wasn't worth it..

Quit.
 
2021-10-27 5:05:44 PM  
Even if you break through this it will eventually come back around. It will never end.

Her superior knows this of her, probably likes it. They think it's people skills, they're the ones to be lead because of the exact things you dislike.. "People skills".. Yeah.
 
2021-10-27 5:47:02 PM  

Sawdust and Mildew: Don't do what I did, which was hang around for 15 years while even the people you wanted to go away finally left. Act faster.


Welcome back, fast worker. 8 weeks and 75 greens...
 
2021-10-27 6:03:32 PM  

pheelix: Little bit too late for that now Mr. Pence, doncha think?


Ah, took someone long enough to go there.
 
2021-10-27 11:01:12 PM  

Drearyx: cryinoutloud: I don't hang around for it anymore.  Another reason I can barely hold on to a job anymore.  I had enough of those people. They destroyed my life.  Either kill them, or bail out.
Are you me?


The unfortunate thing about being good at spotting  crazy people, is that you usually got that way because you've had a lot of experience with them.
What is that they call it?  "Life experience."  I didn't really need all those experiences.
 
2021-10-28 3:53:53 AM  
Worked with an asshole who thought he was my boss and gossiped like an old lady at a bridge club meeting. Tried undercutting me while I was training people, lied to the higher ups etc. I hadn't thrown a punch in 20 years, but I came awfully close when that one boiled over.

Wasn't worth career suicide so I walked. Any client who wanted to put up with this rat faced mumbling fark puddle is not one I want to be around. Some people just get under your skin.

/I'll still drink to celebrate when I find out this asshole is dead
//then we can talk about the girl who was boning one of my guys and fired him for "performance" when he started dating someone else
 
2021-10-28 10:52:28 AM  
little old man its a great day to whoop somebodys ass
Youtube C-okDJA5CVw
 
2021-10-28 7:01:02 PM  

Befuddled: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/bl​o​g/toxic-relationships/201911/the-price​-and-payoff-gray-rock-strategy
One strategy for dealing with a narcissist or sociopath is to act like a "gray rock," meaning that you become uninteresting and unresponsive. Using the Gray Rock method, your objective is to make someone lose interest in you. You don't feed their needs for drama or attention. You don't show emotion, say anything interesting, or disclose any personal information. Nor do you ask questions or participate in conversations, except for brief factual replies. Limit your answers to a few syllables or a nod. Say "maybe" or "I don't know." Additionally, make yourself plain and unattractive, so your partner gains no pleasure in showing you off or being seen with you. This maneuver removes the narcissist's "narcissistic supply." For sociopaths and borderline personalities, it deprives them of drama.


I have done this with someone I cannot stand in my life that due to marriage, cannot fully escape.  I have full on kung fu fighting sequences going on in my head while that jabber.
 
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