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(Slate)   "My husband referred to his ex partner as the love of his life. Should I be concerned?"   (slate.com) divider line
    More: Awkward, Friendship, 2007 singles, Q. Runner-up, infertile friend, love of my life, Good morning, cute babies, Q. Peer review  
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453 clicks; posted to Discussion » on 19 Oct 2021 at 5:05 AM (5 weeks ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook



36 Comments     (+0 »)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest
 
2021-10-18 10:45:51 PM  
NBD.
 
2021-10-18 10:50:32 PM  
butt stuff
 
2021-10-18 11:22:17 PM  
I assume, then, that you're only keeping his stomach full
 
2021-10-18 11:24:07 PM  
Yeah.

Time to have a baby
 
2021-10-18 11:30:44 PM  
Unless they're dead, yes.
 
2021-10-19 3:06:21 AM  
Tell him it's pronounced "lesson of your life"
 
2021-10-19 5:36:20 AM  
Would you like to be concerned?
 
2021-10-19 6:28:31 AM  
Someone be loves broke up with him. You knew this going in. You were always the second choice.

To quote a line from Archer:
I think we both knew it. Just strange to hear it out loud.
 
2021-10-19 6:49:58 AM  
If you start a relationship after the age of about 30, it's almost guaranteed one of you is the others runner-up. It's just how life works. As long as they aren't throwing it in your face all the time, let it go.
 
2021-10-19 7:01:56 AM  
The SO hates it when I introduce him as "My First Husband"
 
2021-10-19 7:26:31 AM  
Yes.
 
2021-10-19 7:49:58 AM  

optikeye: The SO hates it when I introduce him as "My First Husband"


I'm on my last wife.
 
2021-10-19 7:50:50 AM  

Esroc: If you start a relationship after the age of about 30, it's almost guaranteed one of you is the others runner-up. It's just how life works. As long as they aren't throwing it in your face all the time, let it go.


Runner-up or lesson learned?
 
2021-10-19 8:06:35 AM  
Be My Number Two
Youtube NNn9pnytT7M
 
2021-10-19 8:11:06 AM  

optikeye: The SO hates it when I introduce him as "My First Husband"


My Dad says "current wife" , Mom just eye rolls
 
2021-10-19 8:16:53 AM  
No.  My ex was the love of my life, before she was the hate of my life.  I was young, the brain chemicals kicked in hard.  That's just how the body works.  That doesn't mean she was good for me, or that the relationship was healthy, because it wasn't.  In hindsight, she was abusive to me, and I was kind of an idiot, but a deeply in love idiot in a bad relationship.  The aftermath screwed me up to the point where the "fall in love" brain chemicals don't really kick in.

I've had decent relationships since then, but they were based on kindness, mutual support, thoughtful discussion and a genuine concern for one's wellbeing.  I'd take any of these things in a relationship over infatuated love.
 
2021-10-19 8:30:13 AM  
I have a friend that introduces his wife as 'my next ex-wife'.


May end up being a self-fulfilling prophesy because she hates it.
 
2021-10-19 8:46:28 AM  

Wendigogo: Unless they're dead, yes.


Good point.  I'm a widow.  No one could ever hold the same place in my life as the husband of my youth.
 
2021-10-19 8:52:03 AM  
Are you sure he wasn't referring to the tequila at the restaurant?
 
2021-10-19 8:57:20 AM  
I've always held the belief that you will always love your exes.  All this "you still have feelings for them!" is ridiculous.  Of course I still have feelings for them, I dedicated a significant portion of my life to them.  I still have strong feelings about farking Star Wars because that was a big focus of my adolescence, it doesn't mean it's a threat to our relationship.  Hell, I was in love with a meth addict for years and it probably ruined high school for me.  I still love her, but there's no way I'm going to attempt a relationship with her again regardless of whether I'm available.

That being said, if you're going around saying "they were the love of my life" you probably have some shiat to work through before you're fully dedicated to someone else.  There is a chance it could have just been nostalgia talking or guilt if the partner is dead.
 
2021-10-19 9:06:23 AM  

plecos: butt stuff


That's your answer for everything.

Note that I didn't say you were wrong.
 
2021-10-19 9:09:40 AM  

mike_d85: Of course I still have feelings for them, I dedicated a significant portion of my life to them.


I still have feelings for my first ex.

Those feelings mostly consist of nausea and a bit of repressed rage, but I still have feelings for him...
 
2021-10-19 9:12:16 AM  

xanadian: mike_d85: Of course I still have feelings for them, I dedicated a significant portion of my life to them.

I still have feelings for my first ex.

Those feelings mostly consist of nausea and a bit of repressed rage, but I still have feelings for him...


You can't truly hate anyone until you've loved them.
 
2021-10-19 9:21:31 AM  
Honestly, all the advice hold true, once a relationship is over, cherish and enjoy the memories and focus on the good times but remember that the relationship ended for a reason.

I would be more concerned if someone didn't have feelings for an ex.
 
2021-10-19 10:48:19 AM  

Esroc: If you start a relationship after the age of about 30, it's almost guaranteed one of you is the others runner-up. It's just how life works. As long as they aren't throwing it in your face all the time, let it go.


This - smart grownups know that love is not enough. A real, lifelong committed relationship requires many things besides love.
I've "loved" a lot of people. I've only met a couple I could spend my life with - and I regard myself as being extravagantly lucky in that.
 
2021-10-19 10:50:17 AM  

tdyak: Honestly, all the advice hold true, once a relationship is over, cherish and enjoy the memories and focus on the good times but remember that the relationship ended for a reason.

I would be more concerned if someone didn't have feelings for an ex.


Sure. I had some great times with my ex-wife, good memories that have become bittersweet due to the manner our marriage collapsed. We haven't spoken since the divorce was finalized, other than a few emails concerning the business of complying with the divorce decree (the joys of splitting with no children and not much in the way of assets). I loved her deeply at one point, and of course she still occupies a part of my heart. This is not a secret, and my now-wife is neither stupid nor jealous and takes it a given that there is still a part of my ex that will always be with me.

But if I was getting drunk and pining away about the "love of my life" marrying someone else, or having a kid with her now-husband, or whatever else the ex is up to these days...that's a problem on many levels. There's no way I could fault now-wife for wondering where exactly she stands, whether I'd leave her without a second thought if ex walked through the door and wanted to get back together.
 
2021-10-19 10:50:22 AM  
Does he keep telling how she did butt stuff when you refuse to take it in the pooper?

There's an easy fix for that. Well, maybe not that easy, but lube can help.
 
2021-10-19 11:03:50 AM  
Feeling especially flippant today.

1) Love Of My Life, You've Hurt Me: DTMFA because of his apparent inability to GTHOI.

2) Baby, Baby, Baby: Console yourself with this:

Fark user imageView Full Size


3) You Down With OCD?  Yeah, You Know Me: You pretty much have the script.  My parents had to do that with one of their dogs.  He was better off as an only dog, not one of 3.  Take comfort it was the right thing.

4) But It Was Saturday Night, I Guess That Makes It All Right: Are you certain?  This could be a very specific subset.  So STFU and MYOB.

5) Reluctantly Crouched At The Starting Line: As the saying goes, if you don't ask, the answer is always no.  GTHOY.

2a) Baby, Baby, Baby II: I guess what bothers me is the inability to get pregnant ≠ unable to be parents.  It changes the conditions, but there are still options.

6) I Hate My Sister, She's Such A Biatch (Classic): Umm, security system and make sure the locks are solid for starters.  I'd say tell her to STFU and MYOB, but you did and it didn't help.  KHITBASH means you'd need to see her in person.  I guess we're at FRO.  Note, though, this will not stop the fantasy posting on Facebook, so block sis on social media.  Maybe hire a hitman.
 
2021-10-19 11:28:09 AM  
It happens. Part of it is age. Part of it is life stage. It's instructive to watch older, widowed people date sometimes: Yes, you may love the person you're with, but you're not going to have intense, young love with them, and someone you've been with for three years can't really compete with the 25-year relationship you had with the mother of your children who you met at 23.

And people who date in those circumstances know this, and they know that even though they may be their partners #1 right now, they're never going to be the #1 of their partner's life story. But people can be surprisingly okay with this.

So the only remaining question is whether you, personally can put up with this or not.

Love the One You're With
Youtube SY4HI_vqf0c
 
2021-10-19 2:09:02 PM  

optikeye: The SO hates it when I introduce him as "My First Husband"


He's right.

It should be "My latest husband."
 
2021-10-19 2:10:38 PM  

tdyak: Are you sure he wasn't referring to the tequila at the restaurant?


Fark user imageView Full Size
 
2021-10-19 2:12:35 PM  
The only option is a threesome with your husband and his ex. Try not to let your husband's ex's husband find out. Foursomes can be awkward.
 
2021-10-19 4:13:19 PM  

DerAppie: Someone be loves broke up with him. You knew this going in. You were always the second choice.

To quote a line from Archer:
I think we both knew it. Just strange to hear it out loud.


Some things are best left unsaid.
 
2021-10-19 4:29:34 PM  
probly, if for no better reason than you are running around with someone who doesnt know not to say shiat like that in front of you

/did not rtfa
//100% dont care what it says
///all that slate advice stuff seems made up anyway
 
2021-10-19 4:35:03 PM  
Be concerned, be very concerned ... especially if that "ex-partner" is a dude.
 
2021-10-19 6:00:17 PM  
Grab what's important to you and get out
 
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