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(Slate)   "My boyfriend was invited to his ex-wife's birthday party, and he expects me to attend. Is it me, or is this a terrible idea?"   (slate.com) divider line
    More: Awkward, WANT, Mother, Family, have children, Father, Q. Collections department, easy thing, live chat Mondays  
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315 clicks; posted to Discussion » on 21 Sep 2021 at 7:55 AM (9 weeks ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook



29 Comments     (+0 »)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest
 
2021-09-21 6:25:10 AM  
You don't have to go, but he's kinda obliged to if they have kids. You knew this shiat when you got together. It's just how it works.
(Looks over shoulder)
Marriage is the dumbest contact you could possibly enter in the USA.
 
2021-09-21 7:28:15 AM  
Butt stuff... IN the ex wife's bathroom!!
 
2021-09-21 8:00:58 AM  
Maybe the ex wants a suprise birthday threesome? I saw a documentary on that once.
 
2021-09-21 8:19:19 AM  
Butt stuff with his dad?
 
2021-09-21 8:23:48 AM  
So, do you intend to show everyone how much better he's got it now or make it clear that he's a drowning man going under?
 
2021-09-21 8:31:55 AM  
I like Stoya's advice better because A) it's Stoya and B) she seems to actually care and answer the question.

Prudence gives you two sentences with very little help or insight.

Also, again....Stoya!

Fark user imageView Full Size
 
2021-09-21 8:34:53 AM  

yohohogreengiant: You don't have to go, but he's kinda obliged to if they have kids. You knew this shiat when you got together. It's just how it works.
(Looks over shoulder)
Marriage is the dumbest contact you could possibly enter in the USA.


Time shares are worse.
 
2021-09-21 8:35:22 AM  
 Go. Be nice. Give her a thoughtful present.
The best thing you can do for your stepkids is to treat their parents well, including their mom.

Do not be a snippy harpy. You'll just be giving her side ammunition against you.
 
2021-09-21 8:36:40 AM  

Gramma: Go. Be nice. Give her a thoughtful present.
The best thing you can do for your stepkids is to treat their parents well, including their mom.

Do not be a snippy harpy. You'll just be giving her side ammunition against you.

i.pinimg.comView Full Size
 
2021-09-21 8:50:44 AM  

Rapmaster2000: yohohogreengiant: You don't have to go, but he's kinda obliged to if they have kids. You knew this shiat when you got together. It's just how it works.
(Looks over shoulder)
Marriage is the dumbest contact you could possibly enter in the USA.

Time shares are worse.


Cosigning a time share with your spouse is even worse
 
2021-09-21 8:51:37 AM  
You should probably go, grateful for every moment that you don't have to deal with the unnecessary drama associated with divorced couples who hate each other.  Look to your right, look to your left.  If you don't see a childish idiot, then maybe it's you.
 
2021-09-21 9:00:47 AM  
Their "old friends" (couples they hung out with) will be there, and I'm not comfortable

And yet no explanation why the fact that his old friends are going to be there is in the same sentence as "I'm not comfortable". Seriously, either provide arguments or frame your sentences better.
 
2021-09-21 9:06:23 AM  
Buy an expensive and sexy dress so you can wow the party and show how he's traded up. Better still make him pay for it.
 
2021-09-21 9:07:30 AM  
My fiance's ex-husband is one of my best friends.  And his wife is one of my fiance's best friends.  And they will be at our wedding.  Their breakup was ugly and hurtful, but they have a daughter and a grandchild.  You make it work for the kids, they don't deserve to not have their family around for birthdays and holidays.

Shiat happens, live in the now and let the past stay in the past.
 
2021-09-21 9:09:32 AM  
A terrible idea? No. A terrible idea would be to go, lock them all inside, drench the house with gasoline and set fire to it, burning them all to death while you play Barney the Purple Dragon's "I Love You" song to them at maximum volume through a megaphone, then shoot anyone who shows up to help while you run around naked with a QAnon flag sticking out of your wobbly cellulite arse.

That would be a terrible idea - but entertaining.

Whereas the idea of you going is just flat dumb.

Hope that helps you define the difference between terrible and dumb.
 
2021-09-21 9:23:28 AM  
Go and try to keep your mouth shut.

/ You'll learn something
 
2021-09-21 9:54:15 AM  
Ever think or a second he wants you to come with so he can show you off?  Guys do that.

Perhaps instead of being insecure, perhaps you might consider being flattered.  If guys are ashamed of something, they tend to hide it.  When they're proud of something they tend to want to show off.
 
2021-09-21 10:09:34 AM  

DerAppie: Their "old friends" (couples they hung out with) will be there, and I'm not comfortable

And yet no explanation why the fact that his old friends are going to be there is in the same sentence as "I'm not comfortable". Seriously, either provide arguments or frame your sentences better.


My assumption is inside jokes.

I'm with her in that it sounds like it would be truly awful for her.  I definitely wouldn't want to go.  But I would, because I'm a grown up and sometimes you have to do things you don't want to do.  The husband better not run off chatting with all his old friends and leave her alone, though.  That'd be a dumping.
 
2021-09-21 10:29:23 AM  

yohohogreengiant: You don't have to go, but he's kinda obliged to if they have kids. You knew this shiat when you got together. It's just how it works.
(Looks over shoulder)
Marriage is the dumbest contact you could possibly enter in the USA.


Non-compete clauses in work contracts come close. Especially ones where ypu dont sign a seperate NDA
 
2021-09-21 11:31:43 AM  
1) I Know When To Go Out.  Know When To Stay In: So mostly I expect he wants you there as a buffer because it would likely be completely intolerable for him otherwise.  I also expect he's mostly there for the kids.  Having said that, just stay home and tell him to GTHOI.

2) Come On, Come On, Listen To The Moneytalk: Kiss the money goodbye and GTHOI.  Unless you're a financial institution or the mob, never loan money and expect to see it again.

3) Say It Loud.  Say It Clear: Your terms are not unreasonable.  Tell him to comply or FRO.

4) Don't Speak: I, personally, would have cut Sarah out of my life because I don't have space for stupid farks in meat space.  But anyway, if you're mom's gonna go off, she needs to be told to STFU and GTHOI, though probably not a bad idea to not mention the farking idiot in your life.

5) Now I Got A Job, But It Don't Pay: A lot of people in the creative business fields forget that second word.  Having said that, do you have an agent?  Probably a lot to ask given the tight finances, but you didn't mention it and it's really a must if you want art income to sustain you.  Anyway, most of us have to do something unpleasant to make ends meet at some point.  This is probably yours.  Maybe find something more tolerable, but best way to survive is to focus on getting past it.

4a) Don't Speak II: I would expect if she was seeing mom face to face, it would have been mentioned as part of the freakout.  Having said that, if they are seeing their mother in person, even MORE reason to cut Sarah out of her life.

5a) Train In Vain II: Clearly Prudie doesn't know a single thing.  I don't know much, but I know that much.

6) It's A Family Affair (Classic): Mom need to STFU and GTHOI.  So I say make plans with your sibling and his new love.  Tell mom she can come if she wants or she can sit at home, alone and stew.
 
2021-09-21 11:57:09 AM  

LL316: DerAppie: Their "old friends" (couples they hung out with) will be there, and I'm not comfortable

And yet no explanation why the fact that his old friends are going to be there is in the same sentence as "I'm not comfortable". Seriously, either provide arguments or frame your sentences better.

My assumption is inside jokes.

I'm with her in that it sounds like it would be truly awful for her.  I definitely wouldn't want to go.  But I would, because I'm a grown up and sometimes you have to do things you don't want to do.  The husband better not run off chatting with all his old friends and leave her alone, though.  That'd be a dumping.


Inside jokes happen when you start dating someone after middleschool.

What are people supposed to do? Cut all contact with everyone from before the relationship?
 
2021-09-21 12:32:25 PM  

DerAppie: LL316: DerAppie: Their "old friends" (couples they hung out with) will be there, and I'm not comfortable

And yet no explanation why the fact that his old friends are going to be there is in the same sentence as "I'm not comfortable". Seriously, either provide arguments or frame your sentences better.

My assumption is inside jokes.

I'm with her in that it sounds like it would be truly awful for her.  I definitely wouldn't want to go.  But I would, because I'm a grown up and sometimes you have to do things you don't want to do.  The husband better not run off chatting with all his old friends and leave her alone, though.  That'd be a dumping.

Inside jokes happen when you start dating someone after middleschool.

What are people supposed to do? Cut all contact with everyone from before the relationship?


Not at all.  But they are to have some recognition of how shiatty it'll naturally be for the current SO at a party with their ex spouse and all of their mutual friends. A person dies a 1000 deaths when they're at a party where they don't know anyone.  But when it's your current's ex's party?  I can think of few things more torturous.  All I'm saying is he better appreciate her going (if she does) and only leave her side when he goes #1 or #2.
 
2021-09-21 12:53:53 PM  
Prudence screwed this one up. The party is a family and friends event. It is important for him to attend based upon his children and old friendships. Yeah, if the girlfriend feels like an odd person out that is only natural. However this is a lot like going to your spouse's / significant other's high school reunion. If you go you won't have a relationship with the people there, but that isn't important. Parties like this you attend because you are part of your partner's life. That's also why you do things with / for your in-laws. Apparently Woke Prudence doesn't understand the idea of doing things that you might not totally enjoy based upon appearances and social norms.
 
2021-09-21 1:17:46 PM  

Myk-House of El: 1) I Know When To Go Out.  Know When To Stay In: So mostly I expect he wants you there as a buffer because it would likely be completely intolerable for him otherwise.  I also expect he's mostly there for the kids.  Having said that, just stay home and tell him to GTHOI.

2) Come On, Come On, Listen To The Moneytalk: Kiss the money goodbye and GTHOI.  Unless you're a financial institution or the mob, never loan money and expect to see it again.

3) Say It Loud.  Say It Clear: Your terms are not unreasonable.  Tell him to comply or FRO.

4) Don't Speak: I, personally, would have cut Sarah out of my life because I don't have space for stupid farks in meat space.  But anyway, if you're mom's gonna go off, she needs to be told to STFU and GTHOI, though probably not a bad idea to not mention the farking idiot in your life.

5) Now I Got A Job, But It Don't Pay: A lot of people in the creative business fields forget that second word.  Having said that, do you have an agent?  Probably a lot to ask given the tight finances, but you didn't mention it and it's really a must if you want art income to sustain you.  Anyway, most of us have to do something unpleasant to make ends meet at some point.  This is probably yours.  Maybe find something more tolerable, but best way to survive is to focus on getting past it.

4a) Don't Speak II: I would expect if she was seeing mom face to face, it would have been mentioned as part of the freakout.  Having said that, if they are seeing their mother in person, even MORE reason to cut Sarah out of her life.

5a) Train In Vain II: Clearly Prudie doesn't know a single thing.  I don't know much, but I know that much.

6) It's A Family Affair (Classic): Mom need to STFU and GTHOI.  So I say make plans with your sibling and his new love.  Tell mom she can come if she wants or she can sit at home, alone and stew.


You're single, right?  Divorce doesn't mean bitter hatred forever.  You do that, and the only people that get hurt are the kids. Those kids are half 'her'.  Whether you like it or not, if you insult the ex, you're insulting the kids.

"Your mom's a PoS!!!"
Kid hears:  "I'm half PoS...I suck..."  Not true, but that's what they hear.  Kid logic is different from adult logic.

It's ALWAYS better to be the bigger person where children are involved.  Get over yourself and leave the "GTFO and FOAD" crap at home.  Kids don't need that. They need to see that grown ups can act like...well...grown ups.  Otherwise, what do they have to aspire to?
 
2021-09-21 1:25:49 PM  

A Cave Geek: You're single, right? Divorce doesn't mean bitter hatred forever. You do that, and the only people that get hurt are the kids. Those kids are half 'her'. Whether you like it or not, if you insult the ex, you're insulting the kids.

"Your mom's a PoS!!!"
Kid hears: "I'm half PoS...I suck..." Not true, but that's what they hear. Kid logic is different from adult logic.

It's ALWAYS better to be the bigger person where children are involved. Get over yourself and leave the "GTFO and FOAD" crap at home. Kids don't need that. They need to see that grown ups can act like...well...grown ups. Otherwise, what do they have to aspire to?


The kids in this case are adults, at least in part.  The letter mentions seeing the ex at children's and grandchildren's events.  This ain't a kid logic thing and the letter writer seems fine at events specifically for these kids and grandkids.  This is one for the ex and in that context, I don't see the step parent needs to feel obligated to attend.
 
2021-09-21 2:56:23 PM  

LL316: All I'm saying is he better appreciate her going (if she does) and only leave her side when he goes #1 or #2.


If that is the level she is at, then she should tell him "have fun" and don't go.

If she can't make small talk for a bit while he talks to other people she might not be fit for social events. Making nice with the ex-wife is one thing, not being able to deal with some small talk with strangers is quite another.
 
2021-09-21 3:35:57 PM  
At the worst the ex wife will look at you with a look of pity/empathy for being stupid enough to date that loser.
 
2021-09-21 5:04:08 PM  
They ran out of their entertainment budget, so if you could just go along with it.....
 
2021-09-21 5:36:09 PM  
People get worked up over the dumbest shiat.
 
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