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(Lifehacker)   You're using mayo wrong   (lifehacker.com) divider line
    More: Unlikely, Mayonnaise, Sandwiches, mayo hacks, Mustard, fat tastes, bologna sandwich, original mayo hack, Peanut butter  
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984 clicks; posted to Food » on 26 Jul 2021 at 4:20 PM (18 weeks ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook



89 Comments     (+0 »)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest


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2021-07-26 3:26:17 PM  
By using mayo instead of miracle whip.
 
2021-07-26 3:34:41 PM  

swaniefrmreddeer: By using mayo instead of miracle whip.


upload.wikimedia.orgView Full Size
 
2021-07-26 3:58:54 PM  
Fark user imageView Full Size


Happy Sink de Mayo!

/old, tired joke I know
//got nuthin
 
2021-07-26 3:59:23 PM  
"Sinko"

ugh, still got nuthin
 
2021-07-26 4:00:25 PM  
Mayo is an ingredient, not a condiment.
 
jbc [TotalFark]
2021-07-26 4:04:45 PM  
I'm a little bit surprised she's not putting it on a taco or in iced tea.
 
2021-07-26 4:06:14 PM  
A dad joke for our multi-lingual future:

Q: What do you call mayonnaise that you don't have?
A: 沒有- naise!
 
2021-07-26 4:10:42 PM  
FTFA: Not only does mayo keep your sandwich from feeling dry on the palate, and offer a tangy, creamy zip of flavor

Wait.  Tangy? Dude. That's not mayo, that's Miracle Whip.  You have no standing to call us the weirdos.

And there's a reason I don't put mayo on both sides of my sandwich: I don't want the innards fully lubricated and capable of shooting out the other side when I bite down.
 
2021-07-26 4:11:15 PM  
Grilling bread with mayo on it is just French Toast with a zing.
 
2021-07-26 4:16:07 PM  
Fark user imageView Full Size
 
2021-07-26 4:24:24 PM  
Me when I see the Lifehacker banner in the food tab:

Fark user imageView Full Size
 
2021-07-26 4:28:18 PM  
It's cheaper than KY.
 
2021-07-26 4:30:51 PM  
Bwahahaha this is like #1 on the list of grievances that rosekolodny has against Claire.

*Waits with great anticipation*
 
2021-07-26 4:32:25 PM  

demaL-demaL-yeH: Mayo is an ingredient, not a condiment.


Actually mayonnaise is a sauce, therefore it is both an ingredient and a condiment.
 
2021-07-26 4:35:00 PM  
ih1.redbubble.netView Full Size
 
2021-07-26 4:36:48 PM  

jbc: I'm a little bit surprised she's not putting it on a taco or in iced tea.


Protip: Use mayonnaise instead of coffee creamer to give your morning cup that extra creamy texture.
 
2021-07-26 4:42:37 PM  
No I'm not. I'm not using it at all. That shiat is nasty.
 
2021-07-26 4:42:44 PM  
i.pinimg.comView Full Size
 
2021-07-26 4:58:26 PM  

olrasputin: Bwahahaha this is like #1 on the list of grievances that rosekolodny has against Claire.

*Waits with great anticipation*


I'mma throw hands.
 
2021-07-26 4:59:59 PM  
So... eating a spoonful of it with each bite of food is not how I am supposed to be using it?
Nor should I smear it on my naked body and roll around with my dogs?

Jeeze...
 
2021-07-26 5:20:52 PM  

jbc: I'm a little bit surprised she's not putting it on a taco or in iced tea.


oh dadgammit, if Claire gets wind of that I'ma come to your house and murder all of your garden gnomes.

next up on bonappetit/lifehacker/ETNT, breathlessly: how I've wrongly been having mayo-less iced tea my whole life!!1!!2!
 
2021-07-26 5:22:39 PM  

olrasputin: jbc: I'm a little bit surprised she's not putting it on a taco or in iced tea.

Protip: Use mayonnaise instead of coffee creamer to give your morning cup that extra creamy texture.


Is the coffee hot enough to cook the egg?
 
2021-07-26 5:23:33 PM  

olrasputin: jbc: I'm a little bit surprised she's not putting it on a taco or in iced tea.

Protip: Use mayonnaise instead of coffee creamer to give your morning cup that extra creamy texture.


see, that also solves the problem of cooking and dish-cleanup of breakfast eggs!
 
2021-07-26 5:24:41 PM  

demaL-demaL-yeH: olrasputin: jbc: I'm a little bit surprised she's not putting it on a taco or in iced tea.

Protip: Use mayonnaise instead of coffee creamer to give your morning cup that extra creamy texture.

Is the coffee hot enough to cook the egg?


*shakes tiny fist*
 
2021-07-26 5:37:14 PM  
No, I'm not. Also, put it on hot dogs.
 
2021-07-26 5:59:04 PM  
No, no I am not.
Simply do not use.
 
2021-07-26 6:10:40 PM  
I'll put an olive oil Mayo on BLTs but otherwise yeah I'm team Miracle Whip.

Even then I rarely use Miracle Whip.  I'll use it to make my version of "Poor Man's Tuna Helper" and sometimes on sandwiches.

Otherwise, meh.  Don't put it on burgers or anything else really.
 
2021-07-26 6:10:55 PM  
First question for a Publix sub; Mayo or mustard? No Light oil and a lot of vinegar.

Mayo, may ay a ya yo, looks like cum and I don't want me none.
 
2021-07-26 6:50:37 PM  
No, mayo is a salad dressing, it goes by the lettuce... mustard goes on the 'savory' side next to the cheese and meat goes in the middle. That's how a goddamned sandwich WORKS!
 
2021-07-26 6:52:51 PM  
*Mayo also should be the 'butter' for the outside of your grilled cheese
 
2021-07-26 6:54:14 PM  
you all know i get annoyed with CLAIRE. but then i realized she has to post 2 new "articles" every day without exception or she loses her job. i realized this when she detailed her schedule in the "how i eat" interview with her employer.

and she doesn't do what i would do: brainstorm a master list of topics i truly think are interesting, then spend a manic marathon few days writing 30 of the things, and then just post them as required, and then lazily monitor my comments on my phone while basically having 2 weeks off. so i'd "work" like a bipolar person (perhaps because i am a bipolar person).

but claire gets up at 7am, skips breakfast, and desperately thinks of and writes something before her 9am pacific time posting deadline every day, has brunch, then starts her afternoon post.

of course her ideas usually seem dumb! she'd have to be MUCH more creative, MUCH more organized, or perhaps take many more stimulant drugs, for them to ever be anything else! this is why her "lifehacks" literally end up being stuff like "hot sauce is yum on LOTS of things! EVEN on EGGS!" followed by a series on 10 different ways to fry an egg (broken up into 10 different "articles" of course).

and before she got this food gig she was a chemist. and she actively tries to rebel against her background by measuring things less in her kitchen. except when she snaps and writes articles like "the case for measuring your personal pinch of salt in both grams and volume." wild creativity is probably not among her natural strengths.

so i still find her annoying, but i understand it better now.

https://lifehacker.com/im-lifehacker-​f​ood-editor-claire-lower-and-this-is-ho​w-1838199682
 
2021-07-26 7:59:37 PM  
I've always done this.  Except for times I spread soft butter on one side and Mayo on the other.  Good with ham, roast beef, or Turkey.  Or anything really when you think about it.

My favorite sandwich shop does this with their ham and cheese.  Butter on the roll and then a generous dollop of Mayo on the lettuce.  It's marvelous.
 
2021-07-26 8:08:32 PM  
Using it as sunscreen and a personal lubricant is wrong?
The flies seem to like it... *shrug*
 
2021-07-26 8:09:25 PM  

luna1580: you all know i get annoyed with CLAIRE. but then i realized she has to post 2 new "articles" every day without exception or she loses her job. i realized this when she detailed her schedule in the "how i eat" interview with her employer.

and she doesn't do what i would do: brainstorm a master list of topics i truly think are interesting, then spend a manic marathon few days writing 30 of the things, and then just post them as required, and then lazily monitor my comments on my phone while basically having 2 weeks off. so i'd "work" like a bipolar person (perhaps because i am a bipolar person).

but claire gets up at 7am, skips breakfast, and desperately thinks of and writes something before her 9am pacific time posting deadline every day, has brunch, then starts her afternoon post.

of course her ideas usually seem dumb! she'd have to be MUCH more creative, MUCH more organized, or perhaps take many more stimulant drugs, for them to ever be anything else! this is why her "lifehacks" literally end up being stuff like "hot sauce is yum on LOTS of things! EVEN on EGGS!" followed by a series on 10 different ways to fry an egg (broken up into 10 different "articles" of course).

and before she got this food gig she was a chemist. and she actively tries to rebel against her background by measuring things less in her kitchen. except when she snaps and writes articles like "the case for measuring your personal pinch of salt in both grams and volume." wild creativity is probably not among her natural strengths.

so i still find her annoying, but i understand it better now.

https://lifehacker.com/im-lifehacker-f​ood-editor-claire-lower-and-this-is-ho​w-1838199682


Thank you for telling me FAR more than I ever wanted to know about Claire... and no, I didn't click the link.
 
2021-07-26 8:28:57 PM  

Percise1: luna1580: you all know i get annoyed with CLAIRE. but then i realized she has to post 2 new "articles" every day without exception or she loses her job. i realized this when she detailed her schedule in the "how i eat" interview with her employer.

and she doesn't do what i would do: brainstorm a master list of topics i truly think are interesting, then spend a manic marathon few days writing 30 of the things, and then just post them as required, and then lazily monitor my comments on my phone while basically having 2 weeks off. so i'd "work" like a bipolar person (perhaps because i am a bipolar person).

but claire gets up at 7am, skips breakfast, and desperately thinks of and writes something before her 9am pacific time posting deadline every day, has brunch, then starts her afternoon post.

of course her ideas usually seem dumb! she'd have to be MUCH more creative, MUCH more organized, or perhaps take many more stimulant drugs, for them to ever be anything else! this is why her "lifehacks" literally end up being stuff like "hot sauce is yum on LOTS of things! EVEN on EGGS!" followed by a series on 10 different ways to fry an egg (broken up into 10 different "articles" of course).

and before she got this food gig she was a chemist. and she actively tries to rebel against her background by measuring things less in her kitchen. except when she snaps and writes articles like "the case for measuring your personal pinch of salt in both grams and volume." wild creativity is probably not among her natural strengths.

so i still find her annoying, but i understand it better now.

https://lifehacker.com/im-lifehacker-f​ood-editor-claire-lower-and-this-is-ho​w-1838199682

Thank you for telling me FAR more than I ever wanted to know about Claire... and no, I didn't click the link.


i know more about claire than i ever wanted to because her "work" gets 3-5 greenlights here every single week. and i found myself being sucked in by creeping morbid curiosity: who IS this trash food person? is she real, is her whole persona one big trolling game? WHY would any website ever make her senior food editor? is anyone alive stupid enough to learn brand new things from these "hacks"?

it became like an unfolding natural disaster i doom-scrolled, i couldn't look away.

would you like to know more? she was raised by a single mom in mississippi who left her to feed herself with a fridge containing vats of gumbo, a cabinet of processed foods, and a microwave, starting around age 7, while mom worked. this explains her entire food aesthetic. she was also married by 19 and divorced by 30, so learning to cook for one may also be involved in her evolution.

but what i really want to know is her fark handle, or which mod is in love with her, because the amount of links to her "wisdom" here is simply unnatural.
 
2021-07-26 8:51:08 PM  
The only time I have ever enjoyed Mayo is with artichokes.

Otherwise it's just eggs and oil to me, get some salsa or mustard or horseradish if you want something worth putting in a sandwich.
 
2021-07-26 8:51:54 PM  
Am I the only one who solved the soggy bread problem by skillet toasting my bread in butter? Crunchy yet moist and delicious.

And no damn mayo. I don't got a problem with mayo. But it's not the key to a perfect anything (except home made ranch)
 
151 [OhFark]
2021-07-26 9:15:05 PM  
I can't remember if I've mentioned this before, but I have a friend who's entire family uses plain ass mayo as salad dressing. She defends it with her life, and I'll never stop giving her shiat for it. Literally found out about it years ago when she sent a picture of the whole family at the dinner table right before Thanksgiving dinner.

"Wait, why is there a jar of mayo on the table?"
"... For the salad..."
"I'm sorry, WHAT???"

Legit they just put a couple dollops into their salads and mix it up. And she acts like it's totally farking normal. I get people that throw ranch all over pizza and potatoes and fries and whatever. I don't APPROVE, but I get it. There is no defending regular ass mayo in a salad.
 
2021-07-26 9:19:24 PM  

151: I can't remember if I've mentioned this before, but I have a friend who's entire family uses plain ass mayo as salad dressing. She defends it with her life, and I'll never stop giving her shiat for it. Literally found out about it years ago when she sent a picture of the whole family at the dinner table right before Thanksgiving dinner.

"Wait, why is there a jar of mayo on the table?"
"... For the salad..."
"I'm sorry, WHAT???"

Legit they just put a couple dollops into their salads and mix it up. And she acts like it's totally farking normal. I get people that throw ranch all over pizza and potatoes and fries and whatever. I don't APPROVE, but I get it. There is no defending regular ass mayo in a salad.


I don't go nuts with ranch, nor have mayo more than a couple times a year, but given how prevalent ranch is I find it hard to believe 95+% of fark.com posters pretend to be disgusted by it.
 
151 [OhFark]
2021-07-26 9:35:35 PM  

Smackledorfer: 151: I can't remember if I've mentioned this before, but I have a friend who's entire family uses plain ass mayo as salad dressing. She defends it with her life, and I'll never stop giving her shiat for it. Literally found out about it years ago when she sent a picture of the whole family at the dinner table right before Thanksgiving dinner.

"Wait, why is there a jar of mayo on the table?"
"... For the salad..."
"I'm sorry, WHAT???"

Legit they just put a couple dollops into their salads and mix it up. And she acts like it's totally farking normal. I get people that throw ranch all over pizza and potatoes and fries and whatever. I don't APPROVE, but I get it. There is no defending regular ass mayo in a salad.

I don't go nuts with ranch, nor have mayo more than a couple times a year, but given how prevalent ranch is I find it hard to believe 95+% of fark.com posters pretend to be disgusted by it.


A good ranch is amazing on salad. Key word, GOOD. Not random Sysco/GFS/Crap.

Having worked in many restaurants here in SE Michigan, I'm convinced the majority of Michiganders blood vessels are 80% ranch at any given time. It's insane how much ranch gets ordered as a side, for no conceivable reason. One place I worked at was so bad I suggested to the regional manager (that job farking sucked by the way, fark chains), that we build pipes in the ceiling and gave every table a gas station style pump full of ranch.
 
151 [OhFark]
2021-07-26 9:42:44 PM  
shiat, I forgot that like 2 years ago I admitted that ranch was good on pizza, but only if the crust wasn't good to begin with. And again, only on the not good crust. This same friend I mentioned before will literally douse an entire slice of pizza with ranch. She ate two slices of pizza with me one day and took down more than half of a bottle of brand new, sealed, hidden valley ranch from my fridge. I'm not exaggerating at all.

/Team hidden valley for store bought ranch
//Make your damn own ranch though it can be so much better
///Kroger brand is ok
 
2021-07-26 9:51:12 PM  
My black ass ain't touching this with a 9 foot stick.
/it's so many white jokes in this
 
2021-07-26 9:53:54 PM  

151: shiat, I forgot that like 2 years ago I admitted that ranch was good on pizza, but only if the crust wasn't good to begin with. And again, only on the not good crust. This same friend I mentioned before will literally douse an entire slice of pizza with ranch. She ate two slices of pizza with me one day and took down more than half of a bottle of brand new, sealed, hidden valley ranch from my fridge. I'm not exaggerating at all.

/Team hidden valley for store bought ranch
//Make your damn own ranch though it can be so much better
///Kroger brand is ok


There's a very specific combination I like from a local pizza joint:

Tomato and garlic slice, with Cholula hot sauce and dipped in their house caesar.   It's dirty and I don't care.
 
2021-07-26 9:56:20 PM  

drjekel_mrhyde: My black ass ain't touching this with a 9 foot stick.
/it's so many white jokes in this


Just need a super secret spy hot sauce watch.

Fark user imageView Full Size
 
151 [OhFark]
2021-07-26 9:58:01 PM  

rosekolodny: 151: shiat, I forgot that like 2 years ago I admitted that ranch was good on pizza, but only if the crust wasn't good to begin with. And again, only on the not good crust. This same friend I mentioned before will literally douse an entire slice of pizza with ranch. She ate two slices of pizza with me one day and took down more than half of a bottle of brand new, sealed, hidden valley ranch from my fridge. I'm not exaggerating at all.

/Team hidden valley for store bought ranch
//Make your damn own ranch though it can be so much better
///Kroger brand is ok

There's a very specific combination I like from a local pizza joint:

Tomato and garlic slice, with Cholula hot sauce and dipped in their house caesar.   It's dirty and I don't care.


...hmmm. I love Caesar and I've never thought about putting it on anything but salad. That's very very interesting. I'm gonna fiddle around with that idea I think.
 
2021-07-26 10:00:25 PM  

Smackledorfer: 151: I can't remember if I've mentioned this before, but I have a friend who's entire family uses plain ass mayo as salad dressing. She defends it with her life, and I'll never stop giving her shiat for it. Literally found out about it years ago when she sent a picture of the whole family at the dinner table right before Thanksgiving dinner.

"Wait, why is there a jar of mayo on the table?"
"... For the salad..."
"I'm sorry, WHAT???"

Legit they just put a couple dollops into their salads and mix it up. And she acts like it's totally farking normal. I get people that throw ranch all over pizza and potatoes and fries and whatever. I don't APPROVE, but I get it. There is no defending regular ass mayo in a salad.

I don't go nuts with ranch, nor have mayo more than a couple times a year, but given how prevalent ranch is I find it hard to believe 95+% of fark.com posters pretend to be disgusted by it.


I'll step forward and admit I use ranch.  Not with significant regularity. Twice a month maybe?  My current preference is the hidden valley powder mixed with sour cream.  Better flavor and consistency than the bottle.  It really only gets used on fresh veggies as a dip and with wings periodically.  All that being said, blue cheese dressing with chunks of more actual blue cheese mixed in is better.
 
151 [OhFark]
2021-07-26 10:05:56 PM  

The Red Zone: Smackledorfer: 151: I can't remember if I've mentioned this before, but I have a friend who's entire family uses plain ass mayo as salad dressing. She defends it with her life, and I'll never stop giving her shiat for it. Literally found out about it years ago when she sent a picture of the whole family at the dinner table right before Thanksgiving dinner.

"Wait, why is there a jar of mayo on the table?"
"... For the salad..."
"I'm sorry, WHAT???"

Legit they just put a couple dollops into their salads and mix it up. And she acts like it's totally farking normal. I get people that throw ranch all over pizza and potatoes and fries and whatever. I don't APPROVE, but I get it. There is no defending regular ass mayo in a salad.

I don't go nuts with ranch, nor have mayo more than a couple times a year, but given how prevalent ranch is I find it hard to believe 95+% of fark.com posters pretend to be disgusted by it.

I'll step forward and admit I use ranch.  Not with significant regularity. Twice a month maybe?  My current preference is the hidden valley powder mixed with sour cream.  Better flavor and consistency than the bottle.  It really only gets used on fresh veggies as a dip and with wings periodically.  All that being said, blue cheese dressing with chunks of more actual blue cheese mixed in is better.


Oh fark I forgot about veggies. Very far point.

Again back to crazy mayo dressing friend, she thinks I'm insane for eating mushrooms raw, dipped or undipped. And she loves mushrooms. But only cooked. fark it while I'm throwing her weird food things out there, she loves corn. On the cob only. Grill a nice ass corn on the cob and take the kernels off and put it in anything, off the cob, and she just can't do it. Yes she's very insane. It's hilarious to me.
 
2021-07-26 10:21:07 PM  

151: The Red Zone: Smackledorfer: 151: I can't remember if I've mentioned this before, but I have a friend who's entire family uses plain ass mayo as salad dressing. She defends it with her life, and I'll never stop giving her shiat for it. Literally found out about it years ago when she sent a picture of the whole family at the dinner table right before Thanksgiving dinner.

"Wait, why is there a jar of mayo on the table?"
"... For the salad..."
"I'm sorry, WHAT???"

Legit they just put a couple dollops into their salads and mix it up. And she acts like it's totally farking normal. I get people that throw ranch all over pizza and potatoes and fries and whatever. I don't APPROVE, but I get it. There is no defending regular ass mayo in a salad.

I don't go nuts with ranch, nor have mayo more than a couple times a year, but given how prevalent ranch is I find it hard to believe 95+% of fark.com posters pretend to be disgusted by it.

I'll step forward and admit I use ranch.  Not with significant regularity. Twice a month maybe?  My current preference is the hidden valley powder mixed with sour cream.  Better flavor and consistency than the bottle.  It really only gets used on fresh veggies as a dip and with wings periodically.  All that being said, blue cheese dressing with chunks of more actual blue cheese mixed in is better.

Oh fark I forgot about veggies. Very far point.

Again back to crazy mayo dressing friend, she thinks I'm insane for eating mushrooms raw, dipped or undipped. And she loves mushrooms. But only cooked. fark it while I'm throwing her weird food things out there, she loves corn. On the cob only. Grill a nice ass corn on the cob and take the kernels off and put it in anything, off the cob, and she just can't do it. Yes she's very insane. It's hilarious to me.


Fried shrooms and fresh ranch is delicious.
 
2021-07-26 10:21:43 PM  
That cob thing is nuts, though.
 
2021-07-26 10:22:44 PM  

151: The Red Zone: Smackledorfer: 151: I can't remember if I've mentioned this before, but I have a friend who's entire family uses plain ass mayo as salad dressing. She defends it with her life, and I'll never stop giving her shiat for it. Literally found out about it years ago when she sent a picture of the whole family at the dinner table right before Thanksgiving dinner.

"Wait, why is there a jar of mayo on the table?"
"... For the salad..."
"I'm sorry, WHAT???"

Legit they just put a couple dollops into their salads and mix it up. And she acts like it's totally farking normal. I get people that throw ranch all over pizza and potatoes and fries and whatever. I don't APPROVE, but I get it. There is no defending regular ass mayo in a salad.

I don't go nuts with ranch, nor have mayo more than a couple times a year, but given how prevalent ranch is I find it hard to believe 95+% of fark.com posters pretend to be disgusted by it.

I'll step forward and admit I use ranch.  Not with significant regularity. Twice a month maybe?  My current preference is the hidden valley powder mixed with sour cream.  Better flavor and consistency than the bottle.  It really only gets used on fresh veggies as a dip and with wings periodically.  All that being said, blue cheese dressing with chunks of more actual blue cheese mixed in is better.

Oh fark I forgot about veggies. Very far point.

Again back to crazy mayo dressing friend, she thinks I'm insane for eating mushrooms raw, dipped or undipped. And she loves mushrooms. But only cooked. fark it while I'm throwing her weird food things out there, she loves corn. On the cob only. Grill a nice ass corn on the cob and take the kernels off and put it in anything, off the cob, and she just can't do it. Yes she's very insane. It's hilarious to me.


But does she eat it in clean rows off the cob or random ass bites here and there leaving 30% uneaten.  Not that curious but you seem to enjoy the topic so I'll indulge.
 
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