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(Slate)   "I'm in my 20s. During the pandemic I dated a coworker who raised a few red flags; he even asked me what he thought about him and I going to a warehouse and him murdering me. I went on a few more dates and it fizzled. How can I date a normal person?"   (slate.com) divider line
    More: Creepy, Sexual intercourse, If You Have to Ask, Marriage, 2007 singles, Want, Emotion, Anxiety, touch feel  
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252 clicks; posted to Discussion » on 21 Jul 2021 at 6:38 AM (8 days ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook



27 Comments     (+0 »)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest
 
2021-07-21 6:24:12 AM  
There aren't any 'normal' people.
 
2021-07-21 6:25:53 AM  
Well, I'm probably too old for you.
 
2021-07-21 6:44:57 AM  
Nothing says love like someone wanting to wear your skin. They really want to know the deep inner you.
 
2021-07-21 7:00:55 AM  
Consider  yourself lucky girl.  Some people pay EXTRA for t his type of thing.  ;)

JK of course.  That is a strange question, especially on the first date, let alone any date.
 
2021-07-21 7:28:59 AM  
If all you meet are weirdos, maybe you're the weirdo.
 
2021-07-21 7:30:39 AM  
FTFA: he was driving me home one night after a dinner out, and he slowed the car down as we were driving through a deserted street with a bunch of empty warehouses. He pointed at one of the warehouses and said, "What if I were to pull you in there, and ... " I was shocked and immediately asked: "And what?!?" He kind of smiled, and said in a strange way, "Murdered you."

And then she went on 2 more dates with him.

This person needs to stop dating and see a shrink to find out why on god's earth she would 1) Continue the date and B) go out with him again.
A lot of women date losers of various types because anyone is better than being alone. But this isn't some guy that leaves dirty dishes in the sink for 3 days. This is a future (or maybe current) serial killer.
 
2021-07-21 7:36:53 AM  
According to Fark, butt stuff is the "normal" answer to every question. So, obviously you just need to offer up your brown starfish immediately to every guy you date. Or demand to peg him. Either way...butt stuff.
 
2021-07-21 7:51:43 AM  

dionysusaur: There aren't any 'normal' people.


Shut off the lights, we're done here.
 
2021-07-21 7:52:49 AM  
So a guy who raises the possibility of murdering a girl is apparently still a good enough prospect for her to go on three dates with..? F#ck. My. Life.

/ I really wish I could figure out how to become good enough to date
// Alternatively: I really wish I could figure out how to meet girls with the judgement of the letter writer..?
/// Autocorrect changed "murdering" to "nursing"
/V Autocorrect should stop reading Stephen King
 
2021-07-21 7:59:26 AM  

ReluctantLondon: So a guy who raises the possibility of murdering a girl is apparently still a good enough prospect for her to go on three dates with..? F#ck. My. Life.

/ I really wish I could figure out how to become good enough to date
// Alternatively: I really wish I could figure out how to meet girls with the judgement of the letter writer..?
/// Autocorrect changed "murdering" to "nursing"
/V Autocorrect should stop reading Stephen King


i.kym-cdn.comView Full Size
 
2021-07-21 8:09:29 AM  

ReluctantLondon: So a guy who raises the possibility of murdering a girl is apparently still a good enough prospect for her to go on three dates with..? F#ck. My. Life.

/ I really wish I could figure out how to become good enough to date
// Alternatively: I really wish I could figure out how to meet girls with the judgement of the letter writer..?
/// Autocorrect changed "murdering" to "nursing"
/V Autocorrect should stop reading Stephen King


If you really feel the way about yourself that your posts convey, I would suggest that your lack of self-confidence is a self fulfilling prophesy.

Confidence can make an unattractive man attractive.  The reverse is also true - lack of confidence doesn't look good on anyone.
 
2021-07-21 8:12:54 AM  
And people wonder why I never leave the house?
 
2021-07-21 9:08:35 AM  
Uhhhhh someone should really tell HR to keep an eye on this guy. Or the FBI.
 
2021-07-21 9:42:43 AM  

Gramma: If you really feel the way about yourself that your posts convey, I would suggest that your lack of self-confidence is a self fulfilling prophesy.

Confidence can make an unattractive man attractive.  The reverse is also true - lack of confidence doesn't look good on anyone.


Of course, telling someone to "be confident" is like a track coach saying, "run faster."
 
2021-07-21 10:08:26 AM  

BMFPitt: Of course, telling someone to "be confident" is like a track coach saying, "run faster."


Yes & no.  Way back in the mists of time I was like that (no self confidence, little self esteem, etc).  Completely wasted freshman year in college.  Looking back I put myself deeply into the 'friend zone' by many of the lovely young ladies that lived in nearby dorms.  Towards the end of that year I said to myself 'enough' & knew that I had to change.  Started working out, walking more upright, saying hi to people (just to get used to talking to strangers so that when I talked to someone I was attracted to I didn't just freeze up), & doing more interesting things (joined the skydiving club (something I wanted to do for a long time but no confidence) - 'that' will give you something interesting to talk about/make you interesting to whoever you're talking to...).  End result, quite a few dates & the loss of my virginity a few weeks later.

However the 'enough' has to come from you.  Having someone tell you 'get over yourself' generally won't do much.  As with most things, 'you' have to be the one to want to change/be willing to do the work. So yeah, 'run faster' generally won't do much.  But if enough people are telling you that you need to change 'something', you should at least listen.

No way in hell is it easy, but it can be really that simple.

/occasionally I wonder what life would have been like if I didn't have that 'enough' moment.  Roughly a year after doing so I ran into the woman who eventually became MrsRT (together 35 years now).  There's NO way she would have been interested in the dork I was prior to deciding to change
 
2021-07-21 10:18:07 AM  

Recoil Therapy: BMFPitt: Of course, telling someone to "be confident" is like a track coach saying, "run faster."

Yes & no.  Way back in the mists of time I was like that (no self confidence, little self esteem, etc).  Completely wasted freshman year in college.  Looking back I put myself deeply into the 'friend zone' by many of the lovely young ladies that lived in nearby dorms.  Towards the end of that year I said to myself 'enough' & knew that I had to change.  Started working out, walking more upright, saying hi to people (just to get used to talking to strangers so that when I talked to someone I was attracted to I didn't just freeze up), & doing more interesting things (joined the skydiving club (something I wanted to do for a long time but no confidence) - 'that' will give you something interesting to talk about/make you interesting to whoever you're talking to...).  End result, quite a few dates & the loss of my virginity a few weeks later.

However the 'enough' has to come from you.  Having someone tell you 'get over yourself' generally won't do much.  As with most things, 'you' have to be the one to want to change/be willing to do the work. So yeah, 'run faster' generally won't do much.  But if enough people are telling you that you need to change 'something', you should at least listen.

No way in hell is it easy, but it can be really that simple.

/occasionally I wonder what life would have been like if I didn't have that 'enough' moment.  Roughly a year after doing so I ran into the woman who eventually became MrsRT (together 35 years now).  There's NO way she would have been interested in the dork I was prior to deciding to change


I've not always been the most confident person either.  What works for me is to find something I like to do and learn to be good at it. Then I am confident enough to talk to other people who do that thing, too, even if I'm not so confident in general.
 
2021-07-21 10:18:56 AM  

BMFPitt: Gramma: If you really feel the way about yourself that your posts convey, I would suggest that your lack of self-confidence is a self fulfilling prophesy.

Confidence can make an unattractive man attractive.  The reverse is also true - lack of confidence doesn't look good on anyone.

Of course, telling someone to "be confident" is like a track coach saying, "run faster."


In which case, practicing may be helpful  Sure you won't run faster the first time out, but after training for a while, likely you will.
 
2021-07-21 10:46:39 AM  

Gramma: I've not always been the most confident person either. What works for me is to find something I like to do and learn to be good at it. Then I am confident enough to talk to other people who do that thing, too, even if I'm not so confident in general.


That's a good point.  If you can, put yourself in a position where you have to talk even if it isn't directly to others.Such as a book club at the library where you'll need to give your opinions on that month's book.  Perhaps afterwards someone will want to talk to you more in depth about said opinions.  Now most people who are at the library's book club aren't people that you will want to date...(at least at mine, at 54 I'm one of the younger people there...), but you 'will' get better at talking to people (especially as there's really no pressure to 'be attractive').

Cooking class: You will need to talk to others in the class (even if it's just 'please hand me that pan...'), but you will also become a better cook.  Something that will come in handy when you bring a date home & can cook him/her a nice meal.

Improve yourself (by doing things/learning more about things you like to do anyway) & you will improve your life overall.
 
2021-07-21 10:48:27 AM  

Recoil Therapy: Way back in the mists of time I was like that (no self confidence, little self esteem, etc).  Completely wasted freshman year in college.  Looking back I put myself deeply into the 'friend zone' by many of the lovely young ladies that lived in nearby dorms.  Towards the end of that year I said to myself 'enough' & knew that I had to change.  Started working out, walking more upright, saying hi to people (just to get used to talking to strangers so that when I talked to someone I was attracted to I didn't just freeze up), & doing more interesting things (joined the skydiving club (something I wanted to do for a long time but no confidence) - 'that' will give you something interesting to talk about/make you interesting to whoever you're talking to...).  End result, quite a few dates & the loss of my virginity a few weeks later.


All of that is actual valid advice, and far more useful than "be confident", which is all that people said to me as I was trying t find a way to stop wasting basically the entirety of college and several years after.

However the 'enough' has to come from you.  Having someone tell you 'get over yourself' generally won't do much.  As with most things, 'you' have to be the one to want to change/be willing to do the work. So yeah, 'run faster' generally won't do much.  But if enough people are telling you that you need to change 'something', you should at least listen.

I don't imagine the "enough" part is the difficulty for anyone.
 
2021-07-21 11:04:44 AM  

Recoil Therapy: Gramma: I've not always been the most confident person either. What works for me is to find something I like to do and learn to be good at it. Then I am confident enough to talk to other people who do that thing, too, even if I'm not so confident in general.

That's a good point.  If you can, put yourself in a position where you have to talk even if it isn't directly to others.Such as a book club at the library where you'll need to give your opinions on that month's book.  Perhaps afterwards someone will want to talk to you more in depth about said opinions.  Now most people who are at the library's book club aren't people that you will want to date...(at least at mine, at 54 I'm one of the younger people there...), but you 'will' get better at talking to people (especially as there's really no pressure to 'be attractive').

Cooking class: You will need to talk to others in the class (even if it's just 'please hand me that pan...'), but you will also become a better cook.  Something that will come in handy when you bring a date home & can cook him/her a nice meal.

Improve yourself (by doing things/learning more about things you like to do anyway) & you will improve your life overall.


Recoil Therapy: Gramma: I've not always been the most confident person either. What works for me is to find something I like to do and learn to be good at it. Then I am confident enough to talk to other people who do that thing, too, even if I'm not so confident in general.

That's a good point.  If you can, put yourself in a position where you have to talk even if it isn't directly to others.Such as a book club at the library where you'll need to give your opinions on that month's book.  Perhaps afterwards someone will want to talk to you more in depth about said opinions.  Now most people who are at the library's book club aren't people that you will want to date...(at least at mine, at 54 I'm one of the younger people there...), but you 'will' get better at talking to people (especially as there's really no pressure to 'be attractive').

Cooking class: You will need to talk to others in the class (even if it's just 'please hand me that pan...'), but you will also become a better cook.  Something that will come in handy when you bring a date home & can cook him/her a nice meal.

Improve yourself (by doing things/learning more about things you like to do anyway) & you will improve your life overall.


I haven't dated since the 70s, but this is a good way to make friends with common interests.  And when I was dating, I usually dated friends.  So as not to end up with a guy that wants to murder girls in a vacant warehouse.
 
2021-07-21 11:25:23 AM  
Go find someone who spends very little time on the internet.  Its too late for everybody else.
 
2021-07-21 1:40:42 PM  
When I was young and naïve and had a very busy daytime schedule, I asked a girl on a date that started pretty late at night. I know for a fact she had a friend nearby to rescue her if I turned out to be a serial killer (she admitted as much a few dates later), but I never asked her how she felt about being murdered. I mean, goddamn. I was inadvertently mysterious, but not intentionally creepy.
 
2021-07-21 1:57:51 PM  
article: 'showed him to be reckless, manipulative, and even sadistic. I suppose I was waiting for him to show me a better side'

This sad woman might expect the better side of Ted Bundy too.
 
2021-07-21 2:26:00 PM  

Gramma: ReluctantLondon: So a guy who raises the possibility of murdering a girl is apparently still a good enough prospect for her to go on three dates with..? F#ck. My. Life.

/ I really wish I could figure out how to become good enough to date
// Alternatively: I really wish I could figure out how to meet girls with the judgement of the letter writer..?
/// Autocorrect changed "murdering" to "nursing"
/V Autocorrect should stop reading Stephen King

If you really feel the way about yourself that your posts convey, I would suggest that your lack of self-confidence is a self fulfilling prophesy.

Confidence can make an unattractive man attractive.  The reverse is also true - lack of confidence doesn't look good on anyone.


Eh, if I'm mocking myself for being undateable/alone, I'm usually being genuine; if I'm mocking myself for being an incel-/a virgin-, I'm usually joking (it's genuinely not about sex - I'm most-definitely attracted to the idea of sex, and I do, occasionally, become frustrated when I've - allegedly - again got a girl off and there's no offer of her returning the favour, but nowadays I usually think of tab-'P'-in-slot-'V' as just a collection of risks - whether pregnancy or my family finding out and going psycho (I've always been the guy who family and friends take the p#ss out of the idea of ever dating, having sex, et cetera - it's f#ckin' tiresome) - I mean, they'd go psycho if they found out the things I've already done :/ )

And, apart from the moments when I'm being a whiny b#stard (like right now... :), I'm usually working at trying to become a better person - for example, I'm shy, and I've mentioned in the past on Fark that years ago I was hugely shy - I literally ran away from one of my first job interviews - and that to try to at least ameliorate that problem, years ago I took a job where I'd be interacting with the general public (well, almost - newly enrolled uni' students); to begin with, I could barely say more to the students than "Hi, welcome to [university]..!" before awkwardly thrusting an information pack into their hands and silently willing them to go away; but I watched my co-workers to try to learn how to make small talk, and by the time I left the job was significantly better at talking to - informing-, instructing-, just having a laugh with- - people; ultimately, a few years- and a lot more practice- later, I became a guy who can go from being a stranger to a guy a girl asks to walk her home in the space of one (long...) conversation - but whenever I've tried to date the response has been, at best, "I'd date you - but..."

And, to tell the truth, that's for the best - I'm painfully well-aware that I'd be a bad boyfriend 'cos * takes a deep breath * I'm not outgoing or social enough, and although it's not too difficult, nowadays, for me to make friends, it's significantly more difficult for me to maintain friendships - I'm (still) shy, I suffer from social anxiety and (something akin to) O.C.D. - I'm poor and can't offer stability or security - I lack qualifications (the irony that most of my jobs have been in uni's whilst I was never good enough to be accepted to study is not lost on me...) and so I wander from temporary job to temporary job - I'm uninteresting - I'm a huge f#ckin' nerd ... and, ultimately, because whilst (in spite of what my family say) I don't think that I'd be abusive, I do fear - having to expend some much energy holding myself together - that I'd be negligent, and not be able to give a partner the attention they deserve

Anyway, as I'm just being a whiny b#stard, I should most-likely take a break from Fark :)

/ Eh, sorry, it's my birthday today, and I was tired of my family's comments about being 3x years old and never having dated-/being a virgin- before I'd finished my first cup of tea :/
 
2021-07-21 2:52:22 PM  

ReluctantLondon: / Eh, sorry, it's my birthday today, and I was tired of my family's comments about being 3x years old and never having dated-/being a virgin- before I'd finished my first cup of tea :/


I hope you have a lovely rest-of-the-day for your birthday.  And your family sounds  insufferable.  I don't know how you get their voices out of your head.  I can still hear my mom in my head and she's no longer with us.
 
2021-07-21 7:26:46 PM  
The guy sounds pretty creepy to me . . . or maybe he is just terrible at "humor". Either way, he fails the date.

On the other hand, the advisor sounds pretty undateable to me too:
"And if things look like they're going to get sexual, we go to my place, where my roommate is within earshot." WTF?  Exhibitionist much?

"I wear shoes I can run in. "
WTF? If you're that sure the date is going to go crazy south, why are you even going?

"And I'm reluctant to get into other people's private cars."
WTF? Should the guy be picking you up on a bicycle? Or you'll only date guys who pick you up and walk you to the bus stop?

Maybe I'm missing the point of what she's saying. Or maybe I'm too trusting. Something.
 
2021-07-22 10:47:53 AM  

honk: The guy sounds pretty creepy to me . . . or maybe he is just terrible at "humor". Either way, he fails the date.

On the other hand, the advisor sounds pretty undateable to me too:
"And if things look like they're going to get sexual, we go to my place, where my roommate is within earshot." WTF?  Exhibitionist much?


100% agreed so far.

"I wear shoes I can run in. "
WTF? If you're that sure the date is going to go crazy south, why are you even going?


The point is you don't know.  Lots of creeps have good Tinder game, and you don't know just how bad a creep they'll be until they show you. Trying to outrun an aggressor is a pretty limited plan, but it's better than nothing.  Works for garden-variety creeps, and might work for really aggressive psycho-rapists when combined with some kind of deception or distraction.

But the reason I'm commenting is to say that I *always* wear shoes I can run in, because wearing uncomfortable shoes is a guaranteed way to have a bad time on a date in general.   And speaking as someone who likes to date women, I would like to address that entire gender thusly:  If you're going on a date, wear shoes you can do the date in.  If we're going dancing, for example, and you inform me after ten minutes that you need a break because your feet hurt, I'm going to spend the rest of the night dancing with somebody else, because you just showed me you have the planning abilities of a fruit fly.  (On the other hand, bonus points for taking the shoes off and dancing barefoot.  You can adapt and learn, and you're prioritizing fun over cosmetics.)

"And I'm reluctant to get into other people's private cars."
WTF? Should the guy be picking you up on a bicycle? Or you'll only date guys who pick you up and walk you to the bus stop?


No.  Meet at the bar/wherever, don't get picked up.  In the city, take a taxi.  If you drove to the bar and you want to continue the evening at his place, get the address, drive separately.  (Google the address to get his real name, text the info to a trusted friend.)  (If using a taxi or Uber, insist on paying so you get the address and control the destination.)

Maybe I'm missing the point of what she's saying. Or maybe I'm too trusting. Something.

Yes, you're too trusting.
 
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