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(Salon)   A look at fifteen would-be summer blockbusters that bombed   (salon.com) divider line
    More: Fail, Film, Movie theater, Action film, past films, Star Wars, Persistence of vision, summer movie season, Hollywood studios  
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4186 clicks; posted to Entertainment » on 19 Jul 2021 at 7:53 AM (2 weeks ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook



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TWX
2021-07-19 3:05:38 AM  
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2021-07-19 5:19:57 AM  
Unlike most of the rest of the list, The Thirteenth Warrior is a pretty good movie.
 
2021-07-19 6:13:10 AM  
Super Mario Brothers is a great movie. Change my mind
 
2021-07-19 7:11:04 AM  
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/summer 1996
 
2021-07-19 7:21:57 AM  
I actually thought Ishtar was alright.

Battlefield Earth was an abomination, however.
 
2021-07-19 7:45:36 AM  

Ginnungagap42: Unlike most of the rest of the list, The Thirteenth Warrior is a pretty good movie.


I agree. I found it interesting and enjoyable.

Most of the rest of the list, though... ugh. Just awful.
 
2021-07-19 7:46:16 AM  
I was all like meh, meh, meh, until

THERE WAS A REMAKE OF BEN-HUR????

IN 2016?!!!???

I have no recollection of that at all.
 
2021-07-19 7:58:17 AM  
The 13th Warrior is pretty damn good and Ishtar is better than its reputation would suggest.
 
2021-07-19 8:03:06 AM  
Ishtar is farking great.
 
2021-07-19 8:03:09 AM  
I was entertained by Cowboys and Aliens, and really liked The 13th Warrior. The rest of the list are dumpster fires.

/Although Stealth is passable as an unintentional comedy. Pretty much begs for the MST3K treatment!
 
2021-07-19 8:05:31 AM  
Another vote for the 13th Warrior.
 
2021-07-19 8:05:59 AM  

Snapper Carr: ... Ishtar is better than its reputation would suggest.


The director once remarked  "If all of the people who hate Ishtar had seen it, I would be a rich woman today."

I liked it.
 
2021-07-19 8:06:09 AM  
I had to seek out Ishtar ever since I saw that particular RedLetterMedia New Years Live Stream of Copyright Violations several years back.

It wasn't worth it.

I enjoyed Pluto Nash, though.. it was goofy as all hell.
 
2021-07-19 8:07:55 AM  
I've seen almost all of these, and Ishtar is by far the most watchable of them. In fact, I remember kind of enjoying that movie, flaws and all.
 
2021-07-19 8:12:54 AM  
CSB: In college I had a buddy who worked at a major theater. He got us seats in a "sneak preview" of a new movie. We didn't know which one, but sat right behind the VIP section. (Yellow taped off seats! So classy!).

Turns out it was Ishatar Warren Beatty and Dustin Hoffman sat in front of us after the lights dimmed.

Now THAT was a tough couple of hours. They knew they had a bomb on their hands. Beatty sat there with his face in his hands like a shell shocked soldier. Hoffman paced the aisle rubbing his face and looking at his feet.

We did our best to laugh/applaud in the right places. But DAMN that movie sucked BAD.
 
2021-07-19 8:16:38 AM  
I thought the final action sequence in The Lone Ranger was jaw-droppingly amazing, in no small part because they finally break out the William Tell Overture.
 
2021-07-19 8:18:46 AM  
Cowboys and Aliens was stupid fun.  Enjoyable.  13th Warrior had some flaws, but I really liked it.  The Lone Ranger had some good visuals.  The Fantastic Four was terrible.  RIPD made you feel embarrassed for Bridges and Reynolds.
 
2021-07-19 8:20:54 AM  
The Spirits Within was a warning of what Square would turn into.
 
2021-07-19 8:29:26 AM  

Ginnungagap42: Unlike most of the rest of the list, The Thirteenth Warrior is a pretty good movie.


This.

Don't be hating, or the line of ancestors will kick your ass in Valhalla :P

/Mario Bros is a guilty pleasure
 
2021-07-19 8:30:22 AM  
Oh man... RIPD.

Mrs. firesign and I saw that in a theater and pretty much wanted our money back.
It's seriously impressive that they had Mary-Louise Parker, Ryan Reynolds, Jeff Bridges, Kevin Bacon, and James Hong and still couldn't make this work. The script was that bad.

I now use it as an example of how actors handle a bad script, when talking movies with people.
Mary-Louise Parker and Ryan Reynolds fell completely flat because they tried to "make it work," despite how good they often are.
Jeff Bridges and Kevin Bacon clearly realized what they had fallen into here and just started devouring every bit of scenery in sight. They definitely made it a little more watchable, but nothing could have saved it.
 
2021-07-19 8:35:24 AM  

firesign: Oh man... RIPD.

Mrs. firesign and I saw that in a theater and pretty much wanted our money back.
It's seriously impressive that they had Mary-Louise Parker, Ryan Reynolds, Jeff Bridges, Kevin Bacon, and James Hong and still couldn't make this work. The script was that bad.

I now use it as an example of how actors handle a bad script, when talking movies with people.
Mary-Louise Parker and Ryan Reynolds fell completely flat because they tried to "make it work," despite how good they often are.
Jeff Bridges and Kevin Bacon clearly realized what they had fallen into here and just started devouring every bit of scenery in sight. They definitely made it a little more watchable, but nothing could have saved it.


After hearing that Bernie Madoff stole nearly all his money, I give Kevin Bacon a pass for being in shiatty movies. At this point, he's  just trying to keep the property taxes paid up without going full Nicolas Cage.
 
2021-07-19 8:36:42 AM  
Did anyone notice "Ishtar" was misspelled on the list.
I couldn't get the rest if it to open so I don't know if "The Love Guru" made the list but a lot of money was spent to promote that movie and it tanked.
 
2021-07-19 8:38:11 AM  
Aghh!  THE 13TH  WARRIOR is the  greatest historical-action movie  ever.  Simplest plot imaginable.  A village is terrorized  by "monsters" and 13 guys go there to kill them.  Yet  Americans are so f'ing stupid they never bring their brains to the  theater.  "I didn't  get it.  What was it about?  What are they doing?"  Jesus.  And the greatest portrayal of the medieval, Arab, and Viking mindset ever to boot.
 
2021-07-19 8:39:58 AM  

claytonemery: Aghh!  THE 13TH  WARRIOR is the  greatest historical-action movie  ever.  Simplest plot imaginable.  A village is terrorized  by "monsters" and 13 guys go there to kill them.  Yet  Americans are so f'ing stupid they never bring their brains to the  theater.  "I didn't  get it.  What was it about?  What are they doing?"  Jesus.  And the greatest portrayal of the medieval, Arab, and Viking mindset ever to boot.


People didn't "get it"? The hell is there to not get?
 
2021-07-19 8:51:35 AM  

claytonemery: Aghh!  THE 13TH  WARRIOR is the  greatest historical-action movie  ever.  Simplest plot imaginable.  A village is terrorized  by "monsters" and 13 guys go there to kill them.  Yet  Americans are so f'ing stupid they never bring their brains to the  theater.  "I didn't  get it.  What was it about?  What are they doing?"  Jesus.  And the greatest portrayal of the medieval, Arab, and Viking mindset ever to boot.


Most people felt they'd be missing something not having seen The 1st-12th Warrior films.
 
2021-07-19 8:56:18 AM  
Fantastic Four 2005, though- even the gay as all day and night film critic was exhausted that anyone would cast Jessica Alba as an Invisible Woman.
(she was clearly the Human Torch.)
 
2021-07-19 9:08:58 AM  
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2021-07-19 9:15:59 AM  

ktybear: Super Mario Brothers is a great movie. Change my mind


We can't. There's no cure for what ails you.
 
2021-07-19 9:20:40 AM  
Add me to the "I liked Ishtar" group.
Also add me to the "Cowboys & Aliens" was entertaining group.

I'll start the "C'mon, R.I.P.D. wasn't that bad" committee.
It was exactly like the article says.  Ghostbusters meets Men in Black.  Yes, the CGI was ridiculously bad.  But if you close your eyes and pretend the FX were good, it was an entertaining movie.
Hell, Jeff Bridges doing a copy of his own Rooster Cogburn is worth it!

And I never saw it, but I thought the issue with Final Fantasy was mostly they just used the name Final Fantasy but the movie had nothing with the game series?
 
2021-07-19 9:23:35 AM  
As an outsider to Final Fantasy, it's a movie I remember as being good and well done, and I'd have no problems watching it again.
 
db2
2021-07-19 9:25:44 AM  

ktybear: Super Mario Brothers is a great movie. Change my mind


I don't know if I would call it a great movie, but it's definitely worth watching, simply because it's so mind-bogglingly insane.
 
2021-07-19 9:27:43 AM  

buntz: Add me to the "I liked Ishtar" group.
Also add me to the "Cowboys & Aliens" was entertaining group.

I'll start the "C'mon, R.I.P.D. wasn't that bad" committee.
It was exactly like the article says.  Ghostbusters meets Men in Black.  Yes, the CGI was ridiculously bad.  But if you close your eyes and pretend the FX were good, it was an entertaining movie.
Hell, Jeff Bridges doing a copy of his own Rooster Cogburn is worth it!

And I never saw it, but I thought the issue with Final Fantasy was mostly they just used the name Final Fantasy but the movie had nothing with the game series?


The Final Fantasy movie would have been a good FF game with 40 hours to dole out the plot.  Trying to condense it down to two hours, with enough action to keep non-FF fans interested just killed it.
 
2021-07-19 9:28:37 AM  

Marcos P: The Spirits Within was a warning of what Square would turn into.


The spirits within felt like a collection of cut scenes from an abandoned Square Enix video game.
 
2021-07-19 9:41:18 AM  

Herr Morgenstern: claytonemery: Aghh!  THE 13TH  WARRIOR is the  greatest historical-action movie  ever.  Simplest plot imaginable.  A village is terrorized  by "monsters" and 13 guys go there to kill them.  Yet  Americans are so f'ing stupid they never bring their brains to the  theater.  "I didn't  get it.  What was it about?  What are they doing?"  Jesus.  And the greatest portrayal of the medieval, Arab, and Viking mindset ever to boot.

People didn't "get it"? The hell is there to not get?


Fark user imageView Full Size
 
2021-07-19 9:42:14 AM  

firesign: It's seriously impressive that they had Mary-Louise Parker, Ryan Reynolds, Jeff Bridges, Kevin Bacon, and James Hong and still couldn't make this work. The script was that bad.


Oh man, and Robert Knepper too. Just remembered.

stoli n coke: After hearing that Bernie Madoff stole nearly all his money, I give Kevin Bacon a pass for being in shiatty movies. At this point, he's  just trying to keep the property taxes paid up without going full Nicolas Cage.


Yeah, he can do what he wants. And when he was fully revealed as the villain here, he was pretty entertaining. Not gonna lie, though, I like a lot of Nic Cage's "lesser work" anyway.
 
2021-07-19 10:06:02 AM  
The Spirits Within had neither chokobos nor airships. It had no business calling itself Final Fantasy.
 
TWX
2021-07-19 10:15:47 AM  

ktybear: Super Mario Brothers is a great movie. Change my mind


Honest Trailers - Super Mario Bros.
Youtube KsGkMSY_Fag
 
2021-07-19 10:18:40 AM  

claytonemery: Aghh!  THE 13TH  WARRIOR is the  greatest historical-action movie  ever.  Simplest plot imaginable.  A village is terrorized  by "monsters" and 13 guys go there to kill them.  Yet  Americans are so f'ing stupid they never bring their brains to the  theater.  "I didn't  get it.  What was it about?  What are they doing?"  Jesus.  And the greatest portrayal of the medieval, Arab, and Viking mindset ever to boot.


We watched that film in a Medieval History class I took in college. It's quite enjoyable.
 
2021-07-19 10:23:39 AM  

CarnySaur: I thought the final action sequence in The Lone Ranger was jaw-droppingly amazing, in no small part because they finally break out the William Tell Overture.


I was a small child but I sure liked that movie on HBO between Beastmaster showings
 
2021-07-19 10:25:09 AM  
I had already seen the Princess's boobs, so the failure of Mario Bros wasn't that big a failure.

At least Cowboys and Aliens had the benefit of letting us all know that Harrison Ford was no longer able to put on a quality acting performance.

Ishtar was neither here no there but the drama around it was entertaining.
 
2021-07-19 10:27:40 AM  
I thought Battlefeld Earth could have been a decent movie, but it was one of the handful of films I've seen where they could have gotten high school actors to do a better job than this cast. I guess you can blame the director for not getting more from them, and perhaps he was being being told what to do from the money source, but either way I thought it had a good premise and totally awful execution.
 
2021-07-19 10:32:00 AM  

Ginnungagap42: Unlike most of the rest of the list, The Thirteenth Warrior is a pretty good movie.


Indeed, I love the movie!
 
2021-07-19 10:32:51 AM  

snowybunting: I thought Battlefeld Earth could have been a decent movie, but it was one of the handful of films I've seen where they could have gotten high school actors to do a better job than this cast. I guess you can blame the director for not getting more from them, and perhaps he was being being told what to do from the money source, but either way I thought it had a good premise and totally awful execution.


Dutch Angle: The Movie.
 
2021-07-19 10:33:14 AM  
Well, they can't blame me, I haven't seen any of them. Haven't even heard of most of them.
 
2021-07-19 10:35:42 AM  

Tr0mBoNe: I had to seek out Ishtar ever since I saw that particular RedLetterMedia New Years Live Stream of Copyright Violations several years back.

It wasn't worth it.

I enjoyed Pluto Nash, though.. it was goofy as all hell.


Yep on Pluto Nash.  It was a goofy Eddie Murphy action comedy.  It wasn't marketed as Beverly Hills Cop in space.  For what it was, it was entertaining. I wasn't part of the $7.1 million box office, but I did enjoy it on cable.
 
2021-07-19 10:35:59 AM  

snowybunting: I thought Battlefeld Earth could have been a decent movie, but it was one of the handful of films I've seen where they could have gotten high school actors to do a better job than this cast. I guess you can blame the director for not getting more from them, and perhaps he was being being told what to do from the money source, but either way I thought it had a good premise and totally awful execution.


The source material is ok but if you look at who they got to write and direct it was two people completely out of their league.

I liked the casting for the humans but the Psychlos were horrifically miscast.  They are supposed to be scary but rather are comic relief in this movie.
 
2021-07-19 10:43:14 AM  
Hmm, enough people here have praised 13th Warrior that I will check it out. And I usually like McTiernon movies, so we'll see...
 
2021-07-19 10:48:40 AM  

Winterlight: Ginnungagap42: Unlike most of the rest of the list, The Thirteenth Warrior is a pretty good movie.

I agree. I found it interesting and enjoyable.

Most of the rest of the list, though... ugh. Just awful.


Same here.
 
2021-07-19 10:53:28 AM  
Battlefield Earth is what happens when L Ron Hubbard writes fanfiction.

It's literally a less palatable movie, even with Hamtastic Travolta, than 2girls1cup. At least with the later you know you're getting shiat.
 
2021-07-19 10:53:39 AM  

Corn_Fed: Hmm, enough people here have praised 13th Warrior that I will check it out. And I usually like McTiernon movies, so we'll see...


It's fantastic.

Merciful Father, I have squandered my days with plans of many things. This was not among them. But at this moment, I beg only to live the next few minutes well. For all we ought to have thought, and have not thought; all we ought to have said, and have not said; all we ought to have done, and have not done; I pray thee God for forgiveness.
 
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