Skip to content
 
If you can read this, either the style sheet didn't load or you have an older browser that doesn't support style sheets. Try clearing your browser cache and refreshing the page.

(Slate)   "My daughter wants to be cut off, move out, and strike it on her own, even if it means she's homeless. How do I tell her this is a terrible idea?"   (slate.com) divider line
    More: Awkward, Want, Archie Andrews, Archie Comics, Friendship, Veronica Lodge, daughter wants, Dear Prudence, Help me  
•       •       •

444 clicks; posted to Discussion » on 18 May 2021 at 4:40 AM (4 weeks ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook



32 Comments     (+0 »)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest
 
2021-05-17 10:45:58 PM  
Is she 12 or 21?
 
2021-05-17 10:47:33 PM  
You're worried that she's gonna turn into a junkie... but your behavior is how you get a junkie.

Unless she's already a junkie.
 
2021-05-17 10:57:48 PM  
....butt stuff?
 
2021-05-17 11:04:29 PM  
Let her go, and foster a kid who got kicked out for being gay or trans.
 
2021-05-17 11:09:27 PM  
Maybe lead with "this is a terrible idea."
 
2021-05-17 11:18:29 PM  
I'm leaning more and more toward honoring her original request and standing firm against any later reneging by her, even if she becomes homeless. Her father and I even practiced for a possible future conversation where she begs for help and we refuse.

Oh fark you and your high functioning OCD partner. No wonder she wants to leave if you're even micro managing future 'scripts' to follow if she decides to come back.

It's a kid...not a 'client' that 'reneges' etc. The best thing for that kid is get far, far away from your toxic OCD sociopathic home. "She Agreed to accept a meal once a week" And they "Hoped" she would accept 'leftovers'.

Geeze even in the letter there's one word they couldn't say...these 'parents' where all about contracts and 'reneging'
However the one word the letter writer could not say was LOVE.
 
2021-05-17 11:51:15 PM  

optikeye: I'm leaning more and more toward honoring her original request and standing firm against any later reneging by her, even if she becomes homeless. Her father and I even practiced for a possible future conversation where she begs for help and we refuse.

Oh fark you and your high functioning OCD partner. No wonder she wants to leave if you're even micro managing future 'scripts' to follow if she decides to come back.

It's a kid...not a 'client' that 'reneges' etc. The best thing for that kid is get far, far away from your toxic OCD sociopathic home. "She Agreed to accept a meal once a week" And they "Hoped" she would accept 'leftovers'.

Geeze even in the letter there's one word they couldn't say...these 'parents' where all about contracts and 'reneging'
However the one word the letter writer could not say was LOVE.


Prudie's response OTOH made sense even if it tended to ignore the over-controlling elephants in the room.

This trend might deprive Fark of a regular source of stupid stuff to snark at.
 
2021-05-18 3:13:00 AM  
It's important to make it clear that they can't fark up so badly you will stop loving them.
 
2021-05-18 3:20:39 AM  
This is the emotional war I am fighting now. Here is what I wonder..... Did you give the kids everything they need to survive? Will they ask for help if they need it? Will they know when they need it?

Japan has well publicized problems with kids who never leave home. Never go to school. Never go to work. Never fall in love. Never get married. I figured out pretty early that having children who want to get out and do something in life is a really good thing. And off they go. That is pretty normal. Remain calm. Do not panic. Do not write letters to newspapers.

So why would a kid tell a parent that they just want to ESCAPE? Maybe the answer is obvious. The kid wants to live a life without negativity, without being tied to clingy parents, free to explore life without someone's hovering and expectations. If the urge for independence seems a little strong, maybe there are reasons.
 
2021-05-18 6:15:31 AM  
One of my kids showed up, mostly feral.  To the point that we started acting like we had an overgrown cat underfoot.  Closed doors meant the kid wanted them open, just because.  Constantly wanted to have food available, just to barely eat if anyone was watching.  You name any annoying cat behavior, this kid had a version of it for us to decipher and deal with.

As the kid aged, we were constantly assessing life skills for the kid.  Sure enough, as soon as the kid was 18, we got up one morning and the bedroom was empty.  No contact, nothing, for about a week.  Then, we'd get a call and off we'd go to retrieve our wanderer.  This cycle repeated for weeks and months, but these days, the kid is housed, fed, and uses mostly reasonable boundaries.  This is what success looks like for this kid.  Maybe others find success in academics, entertainment, athletics, but this kid needed to know that the inability of a toddler to avoid trauma was the past, and was not a life pattern.

The kid in the letter is showing amazing maturity, and the parents should be thrilled with their success in parenting.  The kid has a plan and a backup plan.  The kid has identified the basic needs of food and shelter, made a plan to obtain both, and taken steps to avoid failure in these vital areas.  All other success will build on this foundation.

Every parent that thinks at 18-20, they can magically quit worrying over their kid is crazy.  The worry goes on, it's just the jump in and fix urge has to end.
 
2021-05-18 6:20:47 AM  
The bums by the train tracks say they'll pull out, but that's really a ruse. Say hi to your father for me.
 
2021-05-18 7:31:19 AM  
TFA says the kid has a job. Doesn't say if it's full time, but let's assume. It is the fault of our f*cked up economic system that a young person working a full time job has to consider homelessness as an option, and is moving out to a motel and not to an apartment. We can't fault a generation of boomerang kids when there is not the mechanism in place for them to work full time and afford rent, food, transportation, and the other necessities of life. This poor young person gets it, but wants to adult anyway, which is commendable.

Want more young people to successfully launch? Raise the minimum wage to a level that they can afford to.
 
2021-05-18 7:33:25 AM  
FTFA:  She is planning to rent a motel room near her job, but has made a point of getting a decent sleeping bag and tent in case she ends up homeless.

If you're short on money, renting a motel or hotel room is a sure-fire way to make sure you'll fail.  I asked Google and the cheapest room is about $45 a day. Times 30 days is $1,350.  Much better idea to spend $500 to rent a room in someone's house.  Or rent a cheap apartment (around here, lowest is about $700 which is about half the cost of the crappy motel).

Rather than discourage the kid (hopefully is a young person) from moving out, help her figure out the economics of it - what does she make, what can she afford for a place to stay, how much to expect for groceries , etc.
 
2021-05-18 7:34:05 AM  

namegoeshere: TFA says the kid has a job. Doesn't say if it's full time, but let's assume. It is the fault of our f*cked up economic system that a young person working a full time job has to consider homelessness as an option, and is moving out to a motel and not to an apartment. We can't fault a generation of boomerang kids when there is not the mechanism in place for them to work full time and afford rent, food, transportation, and the other necessities of life. This poor young person gets it, but wants to adult anyway, which is commendable.

Want more young people to successfully launch? Raise the minimum wage to a level that they can afford to.


Did motels get cheaper? Seems like the 30-50/day range is as low as it gets (middle of absolute nowhere) and I'd expect a room could be rented for less than that.
 
2021-05-18 7:41:38 AM  
Why should they make promises about who they can or can't invite into their home or offer food to?
 
2021-05-18 7:43:06 AM  

montreal_medic: namegoeshere: TFA says the kid has a job. Doesn't say if it's full time, but let's assume. It is the fault of our f*cked up economic system that a young person working a full time job has to consider homelessness as an option, and is moving out to a motel and not to an apartment. We can't fault a generation of boomerang kids when there is not the mechanism in place for them to work full time and afford rent, food, transportation, and the other necessities of life. This poor young person gets it, but wants to adult anyway, which is commendable.

Want more young people to successfully launch? Raise the minimum wage to a level that they can afford to.

Did motels get cheaper? Seems like the 30-50/day range is as low as it gets (middle of absolute nowhere) and I'd expect a room could be rented for less than that.


Security deposit, first and last month's rent, etc. Yes, motels are more expensive in the long run, but easier to get into. It costs a lot to be poor.
 
2021-05-18 8:05:39 AM  

namegoeshere: montreal_medic: namegoeshere: TFA says the kid has a job. Doesn't say if it's full time, but let's assume. It is the fault of our f*cked up economic system that a young person working a full time job has to consider homelessness as an option, and is moving out to a motel and not to an apartment. We can't fault a generation of boomerang kids when there is not the mechanism in place for them to work full time and afford rent, food, transportation, and the other necessities of life. This poor young person gets it, but wants to adult anyway, which is commendable.

Want more young people to successfully launch? Raise the minimum wage to a level that they can afford to.

Did motels get cheaper? Seems like the 30-50/day range is as low as it gets (middle of absolute nowhere) and I'd expect a room could be rented for less than that.

Security deposit, first and last month's rent, etc. Yes, motels are more expensive in the long run, but easier to get into. It costs a lot to be poor.


"The reason that the rich were so rich, Vimes reasoned, was because they managed to spend less money..."
 
2021-05-18 8:31:05 AM  

namegoeshere: montreal_medic: namegoeshere: TFA says the kid has a job. Doesn't say if it's full time, but let's assume. It is the fault of our f*cked up economic system that a young person working a full time job has to consider homelessness as an option, and is moving out to a motel and not to an apartment. We can't fault a generation of boomerang kids when there is not the mechanism in place for them to work full time and afford rent, food, transportation, and the other necessities of life. This poor young person gets it, but wants to adult anyway, which is commendable.

Want more young people to successfully launch? Raise the minimum wage to a level that they can afford to.

Did motels get cheaper? Seems like the 30-50/day range is as low as it gets (middle of absolute nowhere) and I'd expect a room could be rented for less than that.

Security deposit, first and last month's rent, etc. Yes, motels are more expensive in the long run, but easier to get into. It costs a lot to be poor.


So the kid stays at home for  a few months saving up what would have been spent on rent before moving out to do the first and last. This isn't someone that is homeless, this is someone that wants to live on her own.
 
2021-05-18 8:32:37 AM  
How? I would tell her in German. I think that would really get the point across.
 
2021-05-18 8:50:43 AM  

namegoeshere: montreal_medic: namegoeshere: TFA says the kid has a job. Doesn't say if it's full time, but let's assume. It is the fault of our f*cked up economic system that a young person working a full time job has to consider homelessness as an option, and is moving out to a motel and not to an apartment. We can't fault a generation of boomerang kids when there is not the mechanism in place for them to work full time and afford rent, food, transportation, and the other necessities of life. This poor young person gets it, but wants to adult anyway, which is commendable.

Want more young people to successfully launch? Raise the minimum wage to a level that they can afford to.

Did motels get cheaper? Seems like the 30-50/day range is as low as it gets (middle of absolute nowhere) and I'd expect a room could be rented for less than that.

Security deposit, first and last month's rent, etc. Yes, motels are more expensive in the long run, but easier to get into. It costs a lot to be poor.


Yep, It costs a lot to be poor, it costs a lot not to be educated, and it costs a lot not to have access to opportunities.  This is where the lack of spending on public education, child care, access to libraries, youth activities, and mentors can really tilt the playing field.

Due to an ugly divorce, I ended being a single dad to my two daughters in near poverty conditions.  That said, I was raised in privilege, and had the education, and even a good job (at which I was rarely able to work full hours at)  My kids grew up with every possible opportunity I could give them, we lived in a crappy apartment, but I drove them to a better school, taught them critical thinking skills, taught them to succeed within imperfect systems, and trusted them to control their own destinies.

Both went to college, one at a cheap state school, one with a full academic scholarship to a major academic university.  They followed entirely different paths to adulthood, but each worked, because while they weren't born on third base, they went up to bat, knowing the rules of the game, with a bat in their hands.

The kid in the article seems like they're stepping up to the plate with empty hands, although, the kid does seem to have a family safety net at least, and that's something.  Hard to tell from the article, but It seems kind of like a dumb rich kid trying to go slumming.
 
2021-05-18 9:09:36 AM  
You've already failed, at this point you should be doing what you can help them get into this phase.  Offer showers, laundry and alternatives like van living so you can convince them to come back every once in a while. Try to teach them the life skills you're about a decade too late to introduce to them.  Apologize NOW for not explaining to them how this whole thing works so they fly off to do something insane.  Yes, it sounds condescending, but it's taking responsibility for the misery they're about to put themselves through and you should because it's your fault.
 
2021-05-18 9:24:17 AM  
Give her what she's asking for.  Later on, when she realizes she was being stupid, help her out.
 
2021-05-18 9:29:45 AM  
13) Daughter Guarding (Keep Her Off The Pole)
Youtube gFjBYjFHUIk
 
2021-05-18 9:33:49 AM  
stop paying her for sex, see how well she fares.
 
2021-05-18 11:12:39 AM  
She hates you. She doesn't want to strike out on her own.  She wants to be far from you. Process that.
 
2021-05-18 11:53:43 AM  
I mean, If you're really hellbent on keeping her from coming back, I'd at least provide a jumping off point, Because her plan doesn't seem sustainable.  Paying for a motel room and making minimum wage sounds like a poverty treadmill at best, fast track to homelessness and desperation at worst.

Get her a paid off van with a bed and keep her on the family Y membership, or something.  Maybe offer to pay for tech school (maybe night classes), So she can eventually get a job doing something that pays enough to support herself.

Call it a going away gift.  Then she can work for awhile with a somewhat low cost of living.

That will give her time to save money for a down payment on an apartment or find room mates who can help keep the rent low.  It would also give her time to build up employment history and proof of income that is often required to get apartment.  Not to mention the flexibility to live and work pretty much anywhere.  If work dries up in one town, she can move on to the next.

Her desire for independence seems to be coming from a place of resentment, and not a true desire to strike it on her own (hence the not so well thought out plan and more or less saying "I'd rather be homeless then live here").  Maybe try to address those issues as well.

Come from a place of love.  Let her know she has a bed if she needs it, but she knows best what sort of living situations she can and cannot endure.
 
2021-05-18 11:56:00 AM  

Monty_Zoncolan: You're worried that she's gonna turn into a junkie... but your behavior is how you get a junkie.

Unless she's already a junkie.


Actually I was going to say, like most women, she probably won't end up homeless for very long. They tend to ""trade" for a place to sleep and food when they're younger.

/this is how a lot of women end up with jerk boyfriends
 
2021-05-18 12:33:57 PM  
Let her make her mistakes and learn from them.
 
2021-05-18 12:57:45 PM  

inglixthemad: Monty_Zoncolan: You're worried that she's gonna turn into a junkie... but your behavior is how you get a junkie.

Unless she's already a junkie.

Actually I was going to say, like most women, she probably won't end up homeless for very long. They tend to ""trade" for a place to sleep and food when they're younger.

/this is how a lot of women end up with jerk boyfriends


Or pimps. Not good.
 
2021-05-18 7:31:40 PM  

namegoeshere: montreal_medic: namegoeshere: TFA says the kid has a job. Doesn't say if it's full time, but let's assume. It is the fault of our f*cked up economic system that a young person working a full time job has to consider homelessness as an option, and is moving out to a motel and not to an apartment. We can't fault a generation of boomerang kids when there is not the mechanism in place for them to work full time and afford rent, food, transportation, and the other necessities of life. This poor young person gets it, but wants to adult anyway, which is commendable.

Want more young people to successfully launch? Raise the minimum wage to a level that they can afford to.

Did motels get cheaper? Seems like the 30-50/day range is as low as it gets (middle of absolute nowhere) and I'd expect a room could be rented for less than that.

Security deposit, first and last month's rent, etc. Yes, motels are more expensive in the long run, but easier to get into. It costs a lot to be poor.


Craigslist has a roommate section that mostly requires none of that.  Moving into a motel is just one example of how this kid doesnt know what they're doing.  And apparently neither do the parents because they have decided living in a shiatty motel is a good life plan.

PS.  The kid is a junkie.
 
2021-05-18 11:58:18 PM  

Gramma: FTFA:  She is planning to rent a motel room near her job, but has made a point of getting a decent sleeping bag and tent in case she ends up homeless.

If you're short on money, renting a motel or hotel room is a sure-fire way to make sure you'll fail.  I asked Google and the cheapest room is about $45 a day. Times 30 days is $1,350.  Much better idea to spend $500 to rent a room in someone's house.  Or rent a cheap apartment (around here, lowest is about $700 which is about half the cost of the crappy motel).

Rather than discourage the kid (hopefully is a young person) from moving out, help her figure out the economics of it - what does she make, what can she afford for a place to stay, how much to expect for groceries , etc.


I'm trying to get my own place again, but every apt. complex wants you to have 3-4x the rent in income. Even if like me you're on a guaranteed disability payment & have enough saved up to pay upfront for nearly a year.

I absolutely will NOT rent off Craigslist again. Slumlords gonna slumlord and break housing laws.
 
2021-05-19 4:44:40 AM  

UNC_Samurai: namegoeshere: montreal_medic: namegoeshere: TFA says the kid has a job. Doesn't say if it's full time, but let's assume. It is the fault of our f*cked up economic system that a young person working a full time job has to consider homelessness as an option, and is moving out to a motel and not to an apartment. We can't fault a generation of boomerang kids when there is not the mechanism in place for them to work full time and afford rent, food, transportation, and the other necessities of life. This poor young person gets it, but wants to adult anyway, which is commendable.

Want more young people to successfully launch? Raise the minimum wage to a level that they can afford to.

Did motels get cheaper? Seems like the 30-50/day range is as low as it gets (middle of absolute nowhere) and I'd expect a room could be rented for less than that.

Security deposit, first and last month's rent, etc. Yes, motels are more expensive in the long run, but easier to get into. It costs a lot to be poor.

"The reason that the rich were so rich, Vimes reasoned, was because they managed to spend less money..."


This.
Including having to leave the home at 18 then treading water until mid-30s.
The rich don't (mostly) do that; they stay at home, have money for an education, be picky with the jobs they get (usually the ones that family arranged for them) that feed into a better career, gather money and start investing, then borrow money for a larger investment or own business or down payment for a home.

Whoever conditioned the poor families to break apart and live a worse off life (financially) did a good job of keeping them down.

/take care of your kids when they are young and they will probably take care of you in old age (and may you always have good health and never need it)
 
Displayed 32 of 32 comments

View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

This thread is closed to new comments.

Continue Farking




On Twitter


  1. Links are submitted by members of the Fark community.

  2. When community members submit a link, they also write a custom headline for the story.

  3. Other Farkers comment on the links. This is the number of comments. Click here to read them.

  4. Click here to submit a link.