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(Marketwatch)   My parents made my sister executor of their $4 million estate, and joint owner of their bank accounts. Why don't they love me?   (marketwatch.com) divider line
    More: Obvious, Sibling, Family, Parent, bank accounts, joint owner, sister of any nefarious motives, Money, ethical questions  
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329 clicks; posted to Discussion » on 12 Apr 2021 at 11:20 AM (4 weeks ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook



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2021-04-12 11:12:09 AM  
article: (the parents are in mid-80s, so this 'kid' is at least 50)  ''We have five other siblings who are currently unaware of this arrangement''

So the parents had 7 kids but only wanted this one as executor.   Just guessing but she's the most responsible one of the batch.
 
2021-04-12 11:24:21 AM  

nanim: article: (the parents are in mid-80s, so this 'kid' is at least 50)  ''We have five other siblings who are currently unaware of this arrangement''

So the parents had 7 kids but only wanted this one as executor.   Just guessing but she's the most responsible one of the batch.


that standard percentage for being executor on 4million will be a nice chunk of change
 
2021-04-12 11:24:40 AM  
IMO, they did you a favor.  A ton of eyes to cross and tees to dot.
 
2021-04-12 11:32:42 AM  
My sister is a banker and the executor of my dad's estate. I'm totally cool with that. I mean, he's dividing stuff 50/50 so who cares anyway?
 
2021-04-12 11:35:17 AM  
My brother and I were made co-owners of our mother's checking account after her second husband died and she re-did her will. We also had joint financial power-of-attorney and it required us to act as fiduciaries on her behalf. We were the only siblings and while I did most of the actual financial stuff, I made sure we were communicating about it. Her estate wasn't nearly $4 million in assets.

If the sister is the most responsible one, the arrangements might make sense. On the other hand, she could be the biggest ass-kisser in the family.
 
2021-04-12 11:49:04 AM  
I'm the executor/PoA for my parent's stuff when they get to that point (have older brothers)...stinks to be the more dependable one sometimes lol.

/other brothers are good/no issues with them
//they just have families of their own (I was still single at the time too)
///3s
 
2021-04-12 11:53:21 AM  

tudorgurl: My sister is a banker and the executor of my dad's estate. I'm totally cool with that. I mean, he's dividing stuff 50/50 so who cares anyway?


As long as it actually works out that way.   Even though my dad's only sibling lived 10 minutes away from their parents, and my dad lived 2 hours away, it was always my dad visiting them and helping out around the house.    The only time my uncle would drop by was when he saw my dad's car in the driveway.   My grandfather died and a few years later my grandmother was near death.   My dad told his brother he had no problem driving down a few more times to be the executor, but it  sure made a lot more sense for the brother to do it since he lived in town.   His brother agreed and they shook on an agreement to split everything 50/50 with no executor fee.      Once the papers were signed and the estate was settled my dad got a letter from his brother's lawyer explaining his brother was the executor and WOULD be getting more than 50% because of it.    My dad said he literally got in the car to drive to his brother's house to finally kick his butt after all of those years, but remembered his promise to his mom that he wouldn't fight or argue with his brother after she died.   So, instead, he didn't fight it and hasn't spoken to him since.   That was over twenty years ago.
 
2021-04-12 11:58:38 AM  

dionysusaur: IMO, they did you a favor.  A ton of eyes to cross and tees to dot.


It's an awful lot of work and can be very wearying at a time when you probably need to spend some time grieving. So when the time comes, offer your sister some help. You can do simple things like ordering copies of death certificates, contacting insurance companies, and myriad other little trivial things that involving mostly simple correspondences. Then they'll be the troubling correspondences with that one insurance company who somehow keeps misplacing the things you send them so that you have to send them a second copy of the death certification, this time with registered mail, and when they get it  then someone will point out that it was already in the file and why did you send a second copy?

Be glad you aren't the executor. It ain't fun.
 
2021-04-12 11:59:45 AM  
I hope a brother of mine does all the work when my dad dies, and he can help himself to the executor's standard pay and then some.

But then, both myself and my older brother are well enough off, and my younger could use the extra. I told my dad I'd just give my share to him and he was kinda pissed :)
 
2021-04-12 12:02:16 PM  
Well you asked for advice from MarketWatch, so I'd say she chose the right kid to not handle things.
 
2021-04-12 12:08:42 PM  
In my experience, this is precisely how boomer's act about these things.

It's rampant in not just my family, but every person's family I still keep in contact with. This seems to be the prevailing drama du jour amongst my friends families on social media. The greatest generation is pretty much gone at this point so the silent generation are in their 80s. The boomers are all in a tizzy and fighting with the elder Xers over who gets what when  the silent generation dies off.

The elder Xers (50-55) really are just an extension of boomers and silencers in a lot of ways. My older step-siblings are like this (53 and 50 this year). It's farking sad. I told my mom that unless there's something of sentimental value that I want (my dad's hat) that she shouldn't worry too much about what she's leaving me and to just enjoy retirement.
 
2021-04-12 12:10:42 PM  

DrBrownCow: tudorgurl: My sister is a banker and the executor of my dad's estate. I'm totally cool with that. I mean, he's dividing stuff 50/50 so who cares anyway?

As long as it actually works out that way.   Even though my dad's only sibling lived 10 minutes away from their parents, and my dad lived 2 hours away, it was always my dad visiting them and helping out around the house.    The only time my uncle would drop by was when he saw my dad's car in the driveway.   My grandfather died and a few years later my grandmother was near death.   My dad told his brother he had no problem driving down a few more times to be the executor, but it  sure made a lot more sense for the brother to do it since he lived in town.   His brother agreed and they shook on an agreement to split everything 50/50 with no executor fee.      Once the papers were signed and the estate was settled my dad got a letter from his brother's lawyer explaining his brother was the executor and WOULD be getting more than 50% because of it.    My dad said he literally got in the car to drive to his brother's house to finally kick his butt after all of those years, but remembered his promise to his mom that he wouldn't fight or argue with his brother after she died.   So, instead, he didn't fight it and hasn't spoken to him since.   That was over twenty years ago.


Umm, what kind of moron makes a handshake deal for something like that?  You get it in writing.  Or, more importantly, you make sure there is a will.  I'm an only child and we still made my dad sign a will before he died, even though it almost literally said "[phalamir] is the sole heir and gets everything, and he's the executor too".  Just so that no cousins or other ne'er-do-wells crawled out of the woodwork with their hand out.  You should always approach an estate like the British-French diplomacy of the 1800s - always willing to burn a biatch if he steps one little toenail over the line, but also willing to make mutual bank off the Suez Canal.  If any siblings have a problem with you being a pedantic scrivener, they can console themselves with the check they get at the end.  If they don't like it - they can console themselves with the check they get at the end.  But under no circumstances do you do a damned thing because "We used to share ice cream sandwiches when we were in diapers, and a handshake is good enough now"
 
2021-04-12 12:11:43 PM  
Maybe because you're a whiner?
 
2021-04-12 12:12:50 PM  

Extra Virgin Geek Olive Oil: In my experience, this is precisely how boomer's act about these things.

It's rampant in not just my family, but every person's family I still keep in contact with. This seems to be the prevailing drama du jour amongst my friends families on social media. The greatest generation is pretty much gone at this point so the silent generation are in their 80s. The boomers are all in a tizzy and fighting with the elder Xers over who gets what when  the silent generation dies off.

The elder Xers (50-55) really are just an extension of boomers and silencers in a lot of ways. My older step-siblings are like this (53 and 50 this year). It's farking sad. I told my mom that unless there's something of sentimental value that I want (my dad's hat) that she shouldn't worry too much about what she's leaving me and to just enjoy retirement.


You have crappy friends. Most of my friends have gone through this now. Very little drama. No grabbing. I have good friends.
 
2021-04-12 12:22:28 PM  
My dad's already told me that I will be executor. Not because my brothers are unreliable, but because I am the one who lives close enough to handle it. One brother in DC, and one in Texas, while I live 15 minutes away. Not much to worry about now, as their estate is probably only valued around $1-2mil including their house. When my stepmother's mom passes, that will change things because of the amount of her estate that will go to them.

Three way split between us has always been planned, and we all get along decently well. My middle brother will likely be executor of my mother's estate since in her eyes, he is the golden child who can do no wrong. She's never really been kind to my youngest brother, and has gotten in several arguments with me, so I don't expect her to leave me much.
 
2021-04-12 12:23:32 PM  

Extra Virgin Geek Olive Oil: In my experience, this is precisely how boomer's act about these things.

It's rampant in not just my family, but every person's family I still keep in contact with. This seems to be the prevailing drama du jour amongst my friends families on social media. The greatest generation is pretty much gone at this point so the silent generation are in their 80s. The boomers are all in a tizzy and fighting with the elder Xers over who gets what when  the silent generation dies off.

The elder Xers (50-55) really are just an extension of boomers and silencers in a lot of ways. My older step-siblings are like this (53 and 50 this year). It's farking sad. I told my mom that unless there's something of sentimental value that I want (my dad's hat) that she shouldn't worry too much about what she's leaving me and to just enjoy retirement.



My brother and I are both elder Xers, our parents are 80 and 90, and their estate is somewhere around $2 million right now.  We have no drama whatsoever.  I suspect our biggest 'fight' is going to be over things with emotional value like memorabilia.
 
2021-04-12 12:25:35 PM  
My sister is going to be (hopefully a long time from now) the executor for my parents.  She lives 10 min from them & I'm 2/3rds of the way across the country.  It's supposed to be 50/50 (ish, she wants some art, I want some books - value leans more towards the art but I don't want it), but I'm more than willing to let her pay herself a reasonable fee for the time & trouble it will take.  I saw what my dad went through as the executor of his dad's estate & really don't want any part of it. (& this is with them setting up trusts & other things that are supposed to transfer over automatically after probate to simplify things as much as possible...still don't want the headache)
 
2021-04-12 12:28:26 PM  

wademh: Extra Virgin Geek Olive Oil: In my experience, this is precisely how boomer's act about these things.

It's rampant in not just my family, but every person's family I still keep in contact with. This seems to be the prevailing drama du jour amongst my friends families on social media. The greatest generation is pretty much gone at this point so the silent generation are in their 80s. The boomers are all in a tizzy and fighting with the elder Xers over who gets what when  the silent generation dies off.

The elder Xers (50-55) really are just an extension of boomers and silencers in a lot of ways. My older step-siblings are like this (53 and 50 this year). It's farking sad. I told my mom that unless there's something of sentimental value that I want (my dad's hat) that she shouldn't worry too much about what she's leaving me and to just enjoy retirement.

You have crappy friends. Most of my friends have gone through this now. Very little drama. No grabbing. I have good friends.


It's not really my friends, but my friends family that do this. Their parents squabling over grandparents or uncles or whatever.
 
2021-04-12 12:31:57 PM  
It's probably not nefarious but because they have a retirement account, use a financial planner, have file cabinets with locks, shred paperwork, and follow through with their plans.

What is your filing system, paper sack from Taco Bell?

Just saying people choose responsible people to carry out their tasks for them.
 
2021-04-12 12:33:11 PM  
Perhaps you suck.  Have you tried not sucking?
 
2021-04-12 1:04:43 PM  

tudorgurl: My sister is a banker and the executor of my dad's estate. I'm totally cool with that. I mean, he's dividing stuff 50/50 so who cares anyway?


Assume nothing.

My sister was the executor of our parents' estate. Same thing, split everything 50/50, detailed will, etc. It took her 5+ YEARS to close probate.

She refused to sell our childhood home because she's overly attached to it. She rented it out, poured money into an unnecessary bathroom  remodel.

We hired an attorney and a forensic accountant (who found an account with $60,000 that she missed).

She spent money to update our parents' vacation house and justified it because she claimed she did it to get a higher sale price, all the while knowing that she and her husband were planning on buying it for themselves.

At one point, when I called her out on her bad behavior, I was told "You're just a beneficiary"

She told the IRS that one of my mother's rings was appraised at $700. I inherited that ring. I had it appraised for our insurance and it turns out it's worth more like $9,000. If I caught her in that one lie to the IRS, how many did she tell me?

Seriously, assume nothing.
 
2021-04-12 2:16:14 PM  
My older brother was a classic, bone-idle, farkup. Always talked big about what he was gonna do and never did anything. From the time I was 21, Mom had me as her executor. I already had signature power on her checking account. Unfortunately, a couple years later, she decided that my brother had matured and made us joint. Then she suddenly died. And, unfortunately, it was while I was in grad school overseas.

I was able to keep certain things in check since he still couldn't sign on her accounts, but he managed to steal about 10% of the value of her estate out from under me. ("Her stamp and first day cover collection that was insured for $14k? Oh it wasn't worth nearly that much.") He did shait like have the estate pay the taxes and utilities on mom's place, where he was living, when he wasn't paying rent.

Meanwhile he did a half-assed job of not getting things through probate. At one point he sent me documents that needed my signature IMMEDIATELY NOW NOW NOW. I remember paying $42 to FedEx them back from England (this was in '95, and I was a broke grad student at the time, and $42 was a big deal). And then he farking well sat on them until I came back, ten months later.

Brother managed to live off his (and partially my) share of her inheritance until he died, nine years later, at age 42. Fark him.
 
2021-04-12 3:38:03 PM  
When my friends grandma passed her father was the executor of the will and it mostly went fine except one sister that came straight to town and to her mom's house and took all of her jewelry for "sentimental" reasons.

My friends dad her brother said that's cool perfectly understandable but we will subtract the worth of the jewelry from the cash you were set to receive. Guess what was suddenly not so "sentimental" to her?

I am mot worried about my folks its just me and my sister and whatever happens, happens.
 
2021-04-12 5:42:28 PM  

wademh: dionysusaur: IMO, they did you a favor.  A ton of eyes to cross and tees to dot.

It's an awful lot of work and can be very wearying at a time when you probably need to spend some time grieving. So when the time comes, offer your sister some help. You can do simple things like ordering copies of death certificates, contacting insurance companies, and myriad other little trivial things that involving mostly simple correspondences. Then they'll be the troubling correspondences with that one insurance company who somehow keeps misplacing the things you send them so that you have to send them a second copy of the death certification, this time with registered mail, and when they get it  then someone will point out that it was already in the file and why did you send a second copy?

Be glad you aren't the executor. It ain't fun.


My mom, who was the executor of my grandma's estate, passed away from a car crash literally months before my grandma died.  So, guess who became the executor?

It was made additionally fun by the fact the she had a bunch of different annuities and bank accounts, and most of the numbers/other info was hand written.  Thankfully both of their handwriting was pretty legible.

In some states, the executor is allowed a stipend for taking care of everything.  Luckily, I live (and she lived) in those kind of states - because it was like having a second job.
 
2021-04-12 5:58:32 PM  
My dad is doing the bulk of the work on gramps's death from covid last April.

He still hasn't sorted it all out, and there is a home to sell, and lack of trusts mean assholes responding to mandatory newspaper articles hoping to pick at a corpse.

fark being executor :)
 
2021-04-12 6:07:49 PM  
It's easy in my family. My brother has more financial credentials than will fit on both sides of a business card. On top of that he's honest to a fault. He currently handles all of my parents finances and will be executor of their estate when the day comes. It's nice knowing there will be no squabbling later on.
 
2021-04-12 10:03:01 PM  

phalamir: Umm, what kind of moron makes a handshake deal for something like that?  You get it in writing.  Or, more importantly, you make sure there is a will.  I'm an only child and we still made my dad sign a will before he died, even though it almost literally said "[phalamir] is the sole heir and gets everything, and he's the executor too".  Just so that no cousins or other ne'er-do-wells crawled out of the woodwork with their hand out.  You should always approach an estate like the British-French diplomacy of the 1800s - always willing to burn a biatch if he steps one little toenail over the line, but also willing to make mutual bank off the Suez Canal.  If any siblings have a problem with you being a pedantic scrivener, they can console themselves with the check they get at the end.  If they don't like it - they can console themselves with the check they get at the end.  But under no circumstances do you do a damned thing because "We used to share ice cream sandwiches when we were in diapers, and a handshake is good enough now"


Yes, if somebody is highly concerned about the 5% then I agree they would be foolish to not get it in writing.

My dad wasn't mad about losing the 5%.  He was mad his brother lied to him.     Since my dad's far from being a moron, my guess is that he felt there was some symbolism behind his brother finally stepping up to help out and voluntarily ignore the financial incentive to do so.
 
2021-04-12 10:58:18 PM  

DrBrownCow: tudorgurl: My sister is a banker and the executor of my dad's estate. I'm totally cool with that. I mean, he's dividing stuff 50/50 so who cares anyway?

As long as it actually works out that way.   Even though my dad's only sibling lived 10 minutes away from their parents, and my dad lived 2 hours away, it was always my dad visiting them and helping out around the house.    The only time my uncle would drop by was when he saw my dad's car in the driveway.   My grandfather died and a few years later my grandmother was near death.   My dad told his brother he had no problem driving down a few more times to be the executor, but it  sure made a lot more sense for the brother to do it since he lived in town.   His brother agreed and they shook on an agreement to split everything 50/50 with no executor fee.      Once the papers were signed and the estate was settled my dad got a letter from his brother's lawyer explaining his brother was the executor and WOULD be getting more than 50% because of it.    My dad said he literally got in the car to drive to his brother's house to finally kick his butt after all of those years, but remembered his promise to his mom that he wouldn't fight or argue with his brother after she died.   So, instead, he didn't fight it and hasn't spoken to him since.   That was over twenty years ago.


Oh, it will.
 
2021-04-13 12:43:03 AM  
our Mother wanted to make me executor of her will in her old decaying day. I explained that was not a good idea, due to my stability as I live with mental health disorders. told Mom our best bet was to have my eldest sister handle it, as she is very sharp, intelligent and well educated. Mom chose a different sister, who is not the sharpest pencil in the lightbulb but whom Mom could easily coerce and manipulate. it did not fare well.
 
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