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(Slate)   "My 21-year-old daughter is biracial, beautiful, smart, and funny. She has an ethnic name from my husband's home country. It can be a difficult name to pronounce at first. Her new boyfriend refuses to use it and calls her Sara. Isn't this offensive?"   (slate.com) divider line
    More: Awkward, Mario, Luigi, Cleanliness, Super Mario Bros., 21-year-old daughter, Shigeru Miyamoto, Black-and-white films, Mario Bros.  
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454 clicks; posted to Discussion » on 30 Mar 2021 at 9:20 AM (6 weeks ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook



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2021-03-30 7:06:08 AM  
Yes. She should get (a) some self-respect and (b) a new boyfriend.

Or as with absolutely every other advice letter on Slate, act like an adult.
 
2021-03-30 7:16:51 AM  
Offer butt stuff if he says it right?
 
2021-03-30 7:23:48 AM  
If she didn't like it, would he be her boyfriend?
 
2021-03-30 7:28:04 AM  

HugeMistake: Yes. She should get (a) some self-respect and (b) a new boyfriend.

Or as with absolutely every other advice letter on Slate, act like an adult.


Or, you know, mom can stay out of her adult daughters business.

The only person this actually matters to is the daughter and the boyfriend.  Everyone else can fark off.  For all mom knows this could be a running joke between the two.
 
2021-03-30 7:34:02 AM  

null: If she didn't like it, would he be her boyfriend?


That's not a question with an obvious answer.
 
2021-03-30 7:35:51 AM  

Driedsponge: HugeMistake: Yes. She should get (a) some self-respect and (b) a new boyfriend.

Or as with absolutely every other advice letter on Slate, act like an adult.

Or, you know, mom can stay out of her adult daughters business.

The only person this actually matters to is the daughter and the boyfriend.  Everyone else can fark off.  For all mom knows this could be a running joke between the two.


Or maybe she has decided that it's easier to have an "American" name and picked that name to use.

Our daughter has started using her middle name with friends and boyfriends instead of her first name.
 
2021-03-30 7:35:56 AM  
Mulva?
 
2021-03-30 7:53:58 AM  
No one can get my incredibly French last name right on the first try (save for those who speak French), and after I correct them, half of them still cannot get it because what they read is quite a bit different than what comes out of my mouth.

If I ever have kids, if I give them my last name, it will be spelled different.
 
2021-03-30 8:20:13 AM  

cman: No one can get my incredibly French last name right on the first try (save for those who speak French), and after I correct them, half of them still cannot get it because what they read is quite a bit different than what comes out of my mouth.

If I ever have kids, if I give them my last name, it will be spelled different.


CSB: My last name also trips up a lot of people, even after repeated hearing*, so for April Fools' two years ago I sent around a message to my colleagues saying that I was changing my name. But because it's such a pain to get things like passports, social security card, and worst of all, a corporate email address changed, I would be keeping the spelling and only changing the pronunciation. Several people actually bit, including a couple of married women who told me that they wished they'd thought of that when they had gotten married and taken their husband's name...

*You can tell the people who never really listen by the fact that they've heard me introduce myself on countless conference calls and still pronounce it incorrectly.
 
2021-03-30 8:31:28 AM  
A big part of raising beautiful smart funny children is teaching them to think for themselves and setting them loose upon the world.

Fake letter writer should be happy that the new boyfriend isn't nearly the control freak that fake letter writer seems to be,
 
ZAZ [TotalFark]
2021-03-30 9:09:21 AM  
A former coworker's name had a Turkish dotless i (*).  We treated it like a short i in English. Her boyfriend couldn't pronounce it either and they were still together after close to a decade.  And then I met a woman with a Chinese r sound in her name.   If you have ever laughed at Japanese attempts to distinguish r and l you would be amused by my attempts to make that sound.  Fortunately she came already equipped with an anglicized form of her name, like many immigrants with unpronounceable names.

* Written ı,it sounds to me like the u in "uh" or maybe a schwa.  According to Wikipedia's vowel charts I am wrong and it lies between the vowel sounds in "boot" and "bit".
 
2021-03-30 9:11:31 AM  
Calling someone by their actual name is the baseline of respect. Make an effort, dude.
 
2021-03-30 9:18:06 AM  
Starts with s and rolls off the tongue?

shiathead (shi-theed) <- I bet fark respells this

I'm more worried for the boyfriend if that could be his new in-laws. Sounds like a bucket of taints if that letter is real.
 
2021-03-30 9:19:35 AM  
My kid's name is becoming (unfortunately) quite popular. Only the trend is to spell it as uniquely as possible. I spelled it the most common, pronounced-exactly-as-written way. NO ONE spells it correctly. No one.
 
2021-03-30 9:29:21 AM  

Driedsponge: Or, you know, mom can stay out of her adult daughters business.
The only person this actually matters to is the daughter and the boyfriend.  Everyone else can fark off.  For all mom knows this could be a running joke between the two.


Maybe don't name your child based on your vanity. Names are used, and they are used to judge people by, and you don't open any doors by having a name that nobody can pronounce except in a country 5000 miles away, even if it did made mommy happy to honor her heritage with your unique name.

/Have name that was weird and unpronounceable when I was a shy child--and now is quite common.
//It's three letters long
///Never underestimate the stupidity of people
 
2021-03-30 9:31:30 AM  
i have a simple basic short name that i use an even shorter version of. and people regularly call me the wrong name. sometimes i wonder if i have trouble pronouncing my own name to people.

people in 'murica can largely fark off with the confusing name shiat. you read the police blotter, it's good luck trying to say the names. you know what i mean, you racist POS.
 
2021-03-30 9:41:03 AM  

cryinoutloud: It's three letters long


Ah, you're the Cok I knew in middle school.
 
2021-03-30 9:47:50 AM  
Fark user imageView Full Size
 
2021-03-30 9:51:08 AM  
Probably a safe bet that the boyfriend uses that name bc that's the name she goes by, and the only ones using the full name are her parents.
 
2021-03-30 9:54:28 AM  
Sounds like mom is looking for any reason to be offended.  If the daughter doesn't care, why should she?

/narrator: if this blows over, mom will find something else wrong/a ladder to get up on that high horse with
 
2021-03-30 9:57:55 AM  
Look at how the mom described her kid's name.
imho, I think the daughter is tired of her unpronounceable 'dad's homeland!' first name that she's been saddled with courtesy of attention whore mom.
And *that's* why she's happy to be 'Sara'.

/ also think mom will be horrified when kiddo legally changes her name to Sara.
 
2021-03-30 10:01:12 AM  

HugeMistake: cman: No one can get my incredibly French last name right on the first try (save for those who speak French), and after I correct them, half of them still cannot get it because what they read is quite a bit different than what comes out of my mouth.

If I ever have kids, if I give them my last name, it will be spelled different.

CSB: My last name also trips up a lot of people, even after repeated hearing*, so for April Fools' two years ago I sent around a message to my colleagues saying that I was changing my name. But because it's such a pain to get things like passports, social security card, and worst of all, a corporate email address changed, I would be keeping the spelling and only changing the pronunciation. Several people actually bit, including a couple of married women who told me that they wished they'd thought of that when they had gotten married and taken their husband's name...

*You can tell the people who never really listen by the fact that they've heard me introduce myself on countless conference calls and still pronounce it incorrectly.


After a certain, you literally can't hear the difference between some sounds.  Brains are weird.
 
2021-03-30 10:01:39 AM  
My last name has an extra "E" as far as Americans are concerned (ies instead of is), I don't even bother to correct people anymore. I'll even pronounce it incorrectly if I need someone to spell it right.
 
2021-03-30 10:04:54 AM  
Care and Feeding can Fark straight off.

She is a farking adult and she is OBVIOUSLY going by a different name in her circle of friends. Just because you chose to afflict your child with an obscure family name doesn't mean your child has to use it. I don't go by my legal first name. My daughter is named Cordelia (think King Lear, not Buffy) and she goes by Cord. if you inflict a hard to pronounce polysyllabic name on your kid you should start a countdown to when they streamline it into something useful.
 
2021-03-30 10:15:39 AM  
Here's your answer, and for everyone else as well...

Stop getting offended on someone else's behalf. It's degrading to the person you are getting offended for because it assumes that you know better than the person you are being offended on behalf of and belittles their own agency and intelligence.

You don't own their agency and you have no right to take that from them.

I'm a fat guy, and if I am having a jovial conversation with someone and they crack a fat joke that makes us both laugh, I don't need you ruining the mood by trying to educate the other person how offensive it is to me that they made a fat joke. You don't get to tell me or my friends what is offensive to me. Offense is taken, not given, so if you took offense to it and I did not, there is no solidarity here, that's on you. If you are confused as to why I wouldn't be offended by it, then you can ask, but the probable answer is: because that person wasn't being malicious.
 
2021-03-30 10:22:42 AM  

BizarreMan: Driedsponge: HugeMistake: Yes. She should get (a) some self-respect and (b) a new boyfriend.

Or as with absolutely every other advice letter on Slate, act like an adult.

Or, you know, mom can stay out of her adult daughters business.

The only person this actually matters to is the daughter and the boyfriend.  Everyone else can fark off.  For all mom knows this could be a running joke between the two.

Or maybe she has decided that it's easier to have an "American" name and picked that name to use.

Our daughter has started using her middle name with friends and boyfriends instead of her first name.


Yep. It's quite common on the West Coast for folks to have their traditional Chinese given-name, and a common / American one that they use in 98% of their interactions. It doesn't bother them in the slightest. A name is what you want / need it to be based on your life / location.

Expecting your adult offspring to unfailingly honor the rigid [Given Name] [Surname] combination you chose for them without their buy-in is arrogant as fark, Particularly when you've chosen to send them out into the world with a cutesy / creative / unique / hard-to-pronounce name that they'll have to live with, but you won't. Their name may be your sentimental little conversation piece, but you're an ass if you demand that they feel the same way about it that you do.

Agree with other Farkers that Mommy here is trying to jump on the Offended Bandwagon.
 
2021-03-30 10:35:56 AM  
Why are you asking me?
 
ZAZ [TotalFark]
2021-03-30 10:39:11 AM  

BigNumber12: It's quite common on the West Coast for folks to have their traditional Chinese given-name, and a common / American one that they use in 98% of their interactions.


I had the same experience at an East Coast university with a lot of immigrant students.  I remember one student with syllables that were homophones except for tone, which I gather was supposed to be clever or beautiful in the original.  She went by something completely different with monolinguals like me.
 
2021-03-30 10:45:05 AM  

DecemberNitro: cryinoutloud: It's three letters long
Ah, you're the Cok I knew in middle school.


Cok is instantly recognizable in any language. And your name must be "Consumer" just like all Americans. Here you are. You're much more popular than I am.

Fark user imageView Full Size


Fark user imageView Full Size


Most stupid, pointless things are.
 
2021-03-30 10:48:02 AM  
Easy solution:  Get this horrible earworm stuck in his head.
Fark user imageView Full Size

Every time he says Sara, he'll think  of this song, and wince.  You can Pavlov's Dog your way out of the problem.
 
2021-03-30 11:02:56 AM  
We have difficulty with some foreign names because our soft palettes are formed as we learn to speak, and that in turn effects our ability to form certain words and sounds for the rest of our lives.  This guy is a douche, but he might actually not be able to pronounce that sound and be too embarassed to try.  It doesn't help that there's no example of how hard her name is to judge by, but if its like a Xhosa name with clicks and aspirants, then I blame the girl for naming her American-born daughter a name that will get her mocked for the rest of her childhood.
 
2021-03-30 11:09:45 AM  

Copperbelly watersnake: Probably a safe bet that the boyfriend uses that name bc that's the name she goes by, and the only ones using the full name are her parents.


My ex is from China. She has a name that she goes by to everyone except her Chinese friends. They all do, because many of their names are borderline unpronouncable in English. It just makes their lives easier here.
 
2021-03-30 11:16:18 AM  

Driedsponge: HugeMistake: Yes. She should get (a) some self-respect and (b) a new boyfriend.

Or as with absolutely every other advice letter on Slate, act like an adult.

Or, you know, mom can stay out of her adult daughters business.

The only person this actually matters to is the daughter and the boyfriend.  Everyone else can fark off.  For all mom knows this could be a running joke between the two.


More to the point, I knew many Hmong kids who had names that their parent's used... and names they used at school. Sure the paperwork says one thing, but the kids don't even like it in some ways. Too long / too many special characters / too hard to pronounce / fill in the blank.

One of my co-workers had a pretty complex full name in Chinese, but the first part was easy enough if you understood some of the basic rules. However Zhen Chao got tired of explaining to non-Chinese speakers so he just had people call him Joe. I've also seen this in other non-Germanic / non-English languages. Heck even the Finnish names can get interesting so people use something else rather than have people struggle.
 
2021-03-30 11:20:23 AM  
You don't get to decide whether your daughter finds it offensive or not.  Only she gets to do that.

If I were her, I would dump his ass and tell him that his refusal to call me by my proper name is a clear sign that he has no respect for me and is therefore not worth any further time or effort on my part.
 
2021-03-30 11:21:48 AM  
What's important is that you got to have a reason to be angry about something.  Congratulations.
 
2021-03-30 11:24:08 AM  
Is her name only pronounceable in Khoisan or dolphin? Otherwise, how hard can it really be to learn to pronounce a name?
 
2021-03-30 11:38:35 AM  

cryinoutloud: DecemberNitro: cryinoutloud: It's three letters long
Ah, you're the Cok I knew in middle school.

Cok is instantly recognizable in any language. And your name must be "Consumer" just like all Americans. Here you are. You're much more popular than I am.

[Fark user image 642x238]

[Fark user image 324x200]

Most stupid, pointless things are.


American Consumer Opinion Panel ....A COP..."Please tell us your opinions"......Like something out of Monty Python
 
ZAZ [TotalFark]
2021-03-30 11:50:30 AM  

abhorrent1: Is her name only pronounceable in Khoisan or dolphin? Otherwise, how hard can it really be to learn to pronounce a name?


It can be hard.  As people said upthread the ability to distinguish and form sounds is mostly developed in infancy.  The Chinese r sound I mentioned sounds like English r or zh to me, almost at random.  Neither one is correct.  Turkish i can sound like the vowel in "bit" or "beet".  In English that difference changes the meaning of a word.  In Turkish it gives you a funny accent.

She could issue an ultimatum: No sex until you learn to pronounce my name to my satisfaction.  And he could decide she's more trouble than she's worth.  A woman in my family married a German man.  She's spent over 25 years learning German.  She says she still has an accent when speaking German.  He still has a slight accent speaking English.  If they demanded perfection they would have dumped each other.

Some people would rather hear a different name than a mangled version of their own name.
 
2021-03-30 11:51:08 AM  
Samir Nagheenanajar?
 
2021-03-30 11:53:20 AM  
Give her my number?
 
2021-03-30 12:00:15 PM  

cman: No one can get my incredibly French last name right on the first try (save for those who speak French), and after I correct them, half of them still cannot get it because what they read is quite a bit different than what comes out of my mouth.

If I ever have kids, if I give them my last name, it will be spelled different.


My last name is also French and also mispronounced virtually every single time for exactly the same reason

I had to stop my *kids* from doing it.  They were so used to hearing it from other people they started doing it themselves.  But I'm not changing my (and more importantly, my father's) last name because Americans are stupid.  My sons are the last of my name line and yeah, it seems petty, but it matters to me more than the fact they aren't my genetic line.
 
2021-03-30 12:08:04 PM  

cman: No one can get my incredibly French last name right on the first try (save for those who speak French), and after I correct them, half of them still cannot get it because what they read is quite a bit different than what comes out of my mouth.

If I ever have kids, if I give them my last name, it will be spelled different.


Settle down mister Asswhip
 
2021-03-30 12:11:19 PM  

optikeye: cman: No one can get my incredibly French last name right on the first try (save for those who speak French), and after I correct them, half of them still cannot get it because what they read is quite a bit different than what comes out of my mouth.

If I ever have kids, if I give them my last name, it will be spelled different.

Settle down mister Asswhip


It's pronounced "doo-MAW."
 
2021-03-30 12:30:44 PM  

Russ1642: Copperbelly watersnake: Probably a safe bet that the boyfriend uses that name bc that's the name she goes by, and the only ones using the full name are her parents.

My ex is from China. She has a name that she goes by to everyone except her Chinese friends. They all do, because many of their names are borderline unpronouncable in English. It just makes their lives easier here.


It is very common for Chinese people to have a Chinese name and an "English" name.
 
2021-03-30 12:52:31 PM  

BizarreMan: Driedsponge: HugeMistake: Yes. She should get (a) some self-respect and (b) a new boyfriend.

Or as with absolutely every other advice letter on Slate, act like an adult.

Or, you know, mom can stay out of her adult daughters business.

The only person this actually matters to is the daughter and the boyfriend.  Everyone else can fark off.  For all mom knows this could be a running joke between the two.

Or maybe she has decided that it's easier to have an "American" name and picked that name to use.

Our daughter has started using her middle name with friends and boyfriends instead of her first name.


Gertrude should be proud of her name and go by it.
 
2021-03-30 1:31:40 PM  
"Although I have my assumptions, I'm not going to comment on whether he's dating your daughter because of some creepy fetish; "

But you just did.
 
2021-03-30 2:02:41 PM  

Geotpf: Russ1642: Copperbelly watersnake: Probably a safe bet that the boyfriend uses that name bc that's the name she goes by, and the only ones using the full name are her parents.

My ex is from China. She has a name that she goes by to everyone except her Chinese friends. They all do, because many of their names are borderline unpronouncable in English. It just makes their lives easier here.

It is very common for Chinese people to have a Chinese name and an "English" name.


I certainly know several who did.
I worked with a tech named Li Xhu (so Xhu Li when speaking) who went by the name Julie (with non-chinese people) because it sounded close-ish to her real name.
 
2021-03-30 2:09:30 PM  
My kids are mixed and their last name that no one can pronounce is a legacy of them being 1/8th Polish. I think they're also 1/16th East Indian somewhere. I suppose you can call them 5/8ths West Indian though, since my wife grew up in the Caribbean and so did one of my grandparents.

My wife was really insistent on giving the kids "normal, easy, short" names because learning how to spell their last name would be punishment enough.

That said I do not expect people to pronounce my last name correctly, it is literally unreasonable in a non-Polish speaking country. And I find it kind of rude to insist I repeat myself until you "get the hang of it," just farking call me Mr. S and let's get it over with.
 
2021-03-30 2:19:27 PM  
Actually RTFA, no one else find it strange the writer invoked "maybe the dude has some kind of fetish" in a response to a woman that's in an interracial relationship? Seems kinda... tone deaf to me.

/yeah yeah, I know these letter writers don't really exist
 
2021-03-30 2:44:39 PM  
I'm gonna name my son Senator.
 
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