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(Slate)   "My grown adult children never call, never write, and never visit. Why do they want nothing to do with me?"   (slate.com) divider line
    More: Sad, Love, Billboard Hot Country Songs number-one singles, 35-year-old daughter, Much Mom, last time, love language, adult children, such things  
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851 clicks; posted to Discussion » on 02 Mar 2021 at 2:10 AM (6 weeks ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook



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2021-03-01 10:46:22 PM  
Because they are grown adults?

But I talk to my mom every now and then.
 
2021-03-01 10:47:08 PM  
They do porn?
 
2021-03-01 10:51:05 PM  
i2.wp.comView Full Size
 
2021-03-01 11:09:18 PM  
Just spitballin' here, but maybe it's because they're pissed off at something/someone in the relationship?

Stop living for them.  They've moved on, or want to.  You should too.

Been there, done that.

They have/had issues with my second wife.  Haven't heard from 3 of the 4 since 2012.  On good terms with #4.
 
2021-03-02 12:23:15 AM  
If it's all of them... you're probably the problem.

Or your ex is...
 
2021-03-02 1:14:14 AM  
I

puffy999: If it's all of them... you're probably the problem.

Or your ex is...


It's all of that and more...Divorce is the gift that keeps on giving, isn't it?

It started out amicably, but didn't really end that way.  My ex always was and will be a good person.  AZ is a community property state.  Assets are divided 50/50 and debt is divided according to income.  I got 2/3. she got a third.  We didn't really have any assets.  I had to pay her $16,500 for school on top of that.  All told, I got ~$100,000 of debt and she got half of my 401k and 1/3rd of my AF retirement.

All of the kids were over 21 when I remarried.  The 3 living in the same city didn't/don't get along so well with her.  Personality clash, "she's not Mom", whatever.  They're still there, but I've moved four times and spent 17 months in Afghanistan/Djibouti since then.

They're adults and free to make their own choices.  It isn't the happy ending where all of the exes, kids and grandkids get along famously that I'd hoped for, but it also isn't the dystopian hellscape that I've seen other divorces become.

Sorry for the threadjack.
 
2021-03-02 1:18:08 AM  

another one of them: Ipuffy999: If it's all of them... you're probably the problem.

Or your ex is...

It's all of that and more...Divorce is the gift that keeps on giving, isn't it?

It started out amicably, but didn't really end that way.  My ex always was and will be a good person.  AZ is a community property state.  Assets are divided 50/50 and debt is divided according to income.  I got 2/3. she got a third.  We didn't really have any assets.  I had to pay her $16,500 for school on top of that.  All told, I got ~$100,000 of debt and she got half of my 401k and 1/3rd of my AF retirement.

All of the kids were over 21 when I remarried.  The 3 living in the same city didn't/don't get along so well with her.  Personality clash, "she's not Mom", whatever.  They're still there, but I've moved four times and spent 17 months in Afghanistan/Djibouti since then.

They're adults and free to make their own choices.  It isn't the happy ending where all of the exes, kids and grandkids get along famously that I'd hoped for, but it also isn't the dystopian hellscape that I've seen other divorces become.

Sorry for the threadjack.


The thread needed some substance.
 
2021-03-02 1:21:17 AM  
The article lady didn't mention if she was a Trumper. Maybe this is the underlying reason.
 
2021-03-02 2:15:55 AM  
I never go to my moms because she's in New York and there is a pandemic. So I won't fly.
 
2021-03-02 2:37:50 AM  
Because your kids can't have a life if you still expect them to behave like your kid you boomer control freak.
 
2021-03-02 2:44:43 AM  
Probably because you're some flavour of coont. You're trying to "reframe harsh automatic thoughts into healthier ones", but finding it hard, which probably means you've been negative for so long that your kids just flat out don't like you.
Also, very likely a Trumper.
 
2021-03-02 3:00:30 AM  

Jesus McSordid: Probably because you're some flavour of coont. You're trying to "reframe harsh automatic thoughts into healthier ones", but finding it hard, which probably means you've been negative for so long that your kids just flat out don't like you.
Also, very likely a Trumper.


Or the daughter is. "Don't send me things as if you think I'm incompetent" is pretty harsh in itself, and says to me that mom is/was overly involved in her daughter's life, and daughter has/had some serious self-esteem issues and can't move past "why is mom always nagging me?!"

Adult kids have to learn the hard way, it seems, that moms will always be moms. My aged grandmother (in her late 80's at the time) once told my mother (in her 60's then) to be careful not to cut herself with a sharp knife when they were making dinner. My own adored mom always adjured me to be careful taking hot dishes out of the oven.

I know plenty of adults who can't handle this idea that their moms will always and forever be their moms and will warn them to wear coats on cold days and be careful driving late at night. Deal with it, I say, before you have to bury your parents with a lot of things unsaid.
 
2021-03-02 3:01:10 AM  
My grown kids communicate with me when they need something.  Other than that, they ignore me.
 
2021-03-02 3:08:23 AM  

Skyking Skyking Do Not Answer: My grown kids communicate with me when they need something.  Other than that, they ignore me.


Maybe you need to change your handle.
 
2021-03-02 3:32:54 AM  

another one of them: Ipuffy999: If it's all of them... you're probably the problem.

Or your ex is...

It's all of that and more...Divorce is the gift that keeps on giving, isn't it?

It started out amicably, but didn't really end that way.  My ex always was and will be a good person.  AZ is a community property state.  Assets are divided 50/50 and debt is divided according to income.  I got 2/3. she got a third.  We didn't really have any assets.  I had to pay her $16,500 for school on top of that.  All told, I got ~$100,000 of debt and she got half of my 401k and 1/3rd of my AF retirement.

All of the kids were over 21 when I remarried.  The 3 living in the same city didn't/don't get along so well with her.  Personality clash, "she's not Mom", whatever.  They're still there, but I've moved four times and spent 17 months in Afghanistan/Djibouti since then.

They're adults and free to make their own choices.  It isn't the happy ending where all of the exes, kids and grandkids get along famously that I'd hoped for, but it also isn't the dystopian hellscape that I've seen other divorces become.

Sorry for the threadjack.


What I learned is that Arizona sucks ass for divorce
 
2021-03-02 3:34:43 AM  

Skyking Skyking Do Not Answer: My grown kids communicate with me when they need something.  Other than that, they ignore me.


So all you get is emergency action notifications then?  I mean I hate to say it, but user name checks out.
 
2021-03-02 3:57:10 AM  
My grown kids and my wife and I are all on pretty good terms. We text a lot and since the virus we video chat a lot. My dad and I had issues up until his last couple years and I didn't want that same situation with my kids.
 
2021-03-02 4:47:58 AM  

Gyrfalcon: Jesus McSordid: Probably because you're some flavour of coont. You're trying to "reframe harsh automatic thoughts into healthier ones", but finding it hard, which probably means you've been negative for so long that your kids just flat out don't like you.
Also, very likely a Trumper.

Or the daughter is. "Don't send me things as if you think I'm incompetent" is pretty harsh in itself, and says to me that mom is/was overly involved in her daughter's life, and daughter has/had some serious self-esteem issues and can't move past "why is mom always nagging me?!"

Adult kids have to learn the hard way, it seems, that moms will always be moms. My aged grandmother (in her late 80's at the time) once told my mother (in her 60's then) to be careful not to cut herself with a sharp knife when they were making dinner. My own adored mom always adjured me to be careful taking hot dishes out of the oven.

I know plenty of adults who can't handle this idea that their moms will always and forever be their moms and will warn them to wear coats on cold days and be careful driving late at night. Deal with it, I say, before you have to bury your parents with a lot of things unsaid.


My mom beat me when I refused to let her do my homework because she thought I was incompetent.

She called me "Iago" after the obnoxious parrot in Aladin because she said I had a horrible voice.

She refused to buy milk for my newborn bunnies after their mother rejected them, and they all slowly starved to death in my arms.

She forced me to go to family reunion a few hours after my sergeant called saying my rapist was walking free and yelled at me for being moody.

She refused to drive me to my teenage job teaching elementary kids at summer camp because she didn't want me to work while I was in school and lost the job.

She told me the only way I could be successful in the film Industry was to sleep with Steven Spielberg since I wasn't otherwise talented.

She's a Trumper.

She cries to her friends that I am an ungrateful daughter that didn't appreciate all she did for me because I never call or visit her.

I know people with worse parents. Much worse.

There's being a nagging yet caring mother, then theres being a shiat human being.

So yeah, I'm on the side of the daughter here.
 
2021-03-02 5:00:43 AM  
Not everyone in the world is a person you like to spend time with. Being related to you doesn't transform a person into someone who's company you enjoy as an adult. There are obnoxious people everywhere, some of them are also parents.
 
2021-03-02 5:05:54 AM  

ng2810: So yeah, I'm on the side of the daughter here.


There's no obligation to be human towards those that have foregone being humans themselves - no matter WTF the bilogical/otherwise relationship might be. And since you'll probably never hear it from her - I'm sorry you were raised by a psycho, and glad you seem to have turned out human.  Well done.
 
2021-03-02 5:20:26 AM  

Nidiot: Not everyone in the world is a person you like to spend time with. Being related to you doesn't transform a person into someone who's company you enjoy as an adult. There are obnoxious people everywhere, some of them are also parents.


Yep.
I had a similar thought with the second letter, where a stepmother is asking for advice about a teenager coming home from visits crying and Prudie or whomever is like "but it's her mom, she'll want to keep seeing her mooooom."

I'm a mom. Moms aren't any better than other people. Moms screw up. Moms can be stone cold biatches. I have generally have a great relationship with mine, but at one point a stopped talking to her for months because she crossed a line and said some awful stuff to Mr. Tarrant and hurt him deeply. You can't insult my husband that way just because you're my mom.

I find the obsession with maintaining toxic relationships just because you share a bit of closer DNA absurd.
 
2021-03-02 5:29:23 AM  
I will never understand why parents can't just pick up the phone and call once in a while.
 
2021-03-02 5:32:30 AM  
I learned it from watching you!

Fark user imageView Full Size
 
2021-03-02 5:35:32 AM  

Almea Tarrant: Nidiot: Not everyone in the world is a person you like to spend time with. Being related to you doesn't transform a person into someone who's company you enjoy as an adult. There are obnoxious people everywhere, some of them are also parents.

Yep.
I had a similar thought with the second letter, where a stepmother is asking for advice about a teenager coming home from visits crying and Prudie or whomever is like "but it's her mom, she'll want to keep seeing her mooooom."

I'm a mom. Moms aren't any better than other people. Moms screw up. Moms can be stone cold biatches. I have generally have a great relationship with mine, but at one point a stopped talking to her for months because she crossed a line and said some awful stuff to Mr. Tarrant and hurt him deeply. You can't insult my husband that way just because you're my mom.

I find the obsession with maintaining toxic relationships just because you share a bit of closer DNA absurd.


It's leftovers from the days we lived in what amounted to family and tribal bands.  You had to maintain a certain level of civility toward those around you, because you all HAD to work together to survive, no ifs ands or buts.  You had to deal, no matter how much they sucked, or you and everyone else suffered greatly.  It's not all that relevant anymore, but neither is "Strange thing!  Strange thing bad!  Kill!  KILL!!" and that causes even more trouble.  The lizard brain instincts we've all got left over from the days rocking monkey suits are behind way more stupid farking shiat that seems remotely readily apparent at first.
 
2021-03-02 5:39:17 AM  

Almea Tarrant: Nidiot: Not everyone in the world is a person you like to spend time with. Being related to you doesn't transform a person into someone who's company you enjoy as an adult. There are obnoxious people everywhere, some of them are also parents.

Yep.
I had a similar thought with the second letter, where a stepmother is asking for advice about a teenager coming home from visits crying and Prudie or whomever is like "but it's her mom, she'll want to keep seeing her mooooom."

I'm a mom. Moms aren't any better than other people. Moms screw up. Moms can be stone cold biatches. I have generally have a great relationship with mine, but at one point a stopped talking to her for months because she crossed a line and said some awful stuff to Mr. Tarrant and hurt him deeply. You can't insult my husband that way just because you're my mom.

I find the obsession with maintaining toxic relationships just because you share a bit of closer DNA absurd.


I wondered about that letter as well. If there is a great chance the child comes home crying, and the mother is openly dismissive about things the daughter likes, the answer isn't "nothing going on, you only know what a 14 year old tells you". As for the daughter having two homes? If she doesn't want to live at one of them, she has one home and one place she is being forced to stay at. Having a bed and a toothbrush somewhere doesn't make it an home.
 
2021-03-02 5:48:41 AM  

ng2810: Gyrfalcon: Jesus McSordid: Probably because you're some flavour of coont. You're trying to "reframe harsh automatic thoughts into healthier ones", but finding it hard, which probably means you've been negative for so long that your kids just flat out don't like you.
Also, very likely a Trumper.

Or the daughter is. "Don't send me things as if you think I'm incompetent" is pretty harsh in itself, and says to me that mom is/was overly involved in her daughter's life, and daughter has/had some serious self-esteem issues and can't move past "why is mom always nagging me?!"

Adult kids have to learn the hard way, it seems, that moms will always be moms. My aged grandmother (in her late 80's at the time) once told my mother (in her 60's then) to be careful not to cut herself with a sharp knife when they were making dinner. My own adored mom always adjured me to be careful taking hot dishes out of the oven.

I know plenty of adults who can't handle this idea that their moms will always and forever be their moms and will warn them to wear coats on cold days and be careful driving late at night. Deal with it, I say, before you have to bury your parents with a lot of things unsaid.

My mom beat me when I refused to let her do my homework because she thought I was incompetent.

She called me "Iago" after the obnoxious parrot in Aladin because she said I had a horrible voice.

She refused to buy milk for my newborn bunnies after their mother rejected them, and they all slowly starved to death in my arms.

She forced me to go to family reunion a few hours after my sergeant called saying my rapist was walking free and yelled at me for being moody.

She refused to drive me to my teenage job teaching elementary kids at summer camp because she didn't want me to work while I was in school and lost the job.

She told me the only way I could be successful in the film Industry was to sleep with Steven Spielberg since I wasn't otherwise talented.

She's a Trumper.

She cries to her frien ...


I feel for you, man.

My mom left me in the car, when I was 18 months, for so long that I crawled out, fell & broke my collar bone.

She regularly abused me, threatened me with a ruler & yard stick.

She kept me in a crib until I was almost  5 years old, when I wanted to sleep in a regular bed she groused that it was a "six year crib"

When I was 5 my brother died.

That same year she bought a horse even though we only had a barbed wire fence strung over posts to keep the cows in. She was so impatient to bring the horse home that my dad and uncles didn't have time to build a proper high wooden fence. I thought it was eerily silent one day, I wandered out and I found that horse tangled up in the barbed wire. He was euthanized with a shot gun a short time later.

When I was six she was enormously pissed off that I found out there was no Santa Claus so she couldn't threaten me with coal in my stocking anymore.

Also when I was 6, a tornado blew through our house. Mom blamed me for being caught unaware, because I wanted the radio shut off even though I was playing outside.

When I was 8 I got ambushed and jumped  by six boys in class and beaten up because I needed to "learn a lesson" of some kind. The teacher completely missed the point that those six boys were also bullying and teasing me because I had a severe outbreak of viral warts all over my body and my mom told me they will disappear if I "think good thoughts" it took me 18 months to beg for the warts to be frozen off.

At 9 she sent me to a horse camp where I sustained a skull fracture due to a negligent camp counsellor giving me a "rocket ride" on a feed bag suspended on a rope. He pulled it so hard I hit a beam in the barn.

My mom refused to take me to the doctor and told everybody (to this day) I fell off a horse.

Mind you I'm not even ten yet....

I do not call her I do not write. There are people in this world too toxic and too evil to have anything to do with and this idea that just because they're your parent they have the right to continue to make your lif a living hell is bullshiat.

This is why I find all these mommy blogger advice columnists completely worthless. They have no idea what's really going on in people's lives.

I am sure the kids have good reason for avoiding the mommy dearest letter writer. The fact she's in therapy is my big Uh oh sign. My mom did the therapy thing too. It didn't help.

Run.
 
2021-03-02 5:51:01 AM  

Almea Tarrant: Nidiot: Not everyone in the world is a person you like to spend time with. Being related to you doesn't transform a person into someone who's company you enjoy as an adult. There are obnoxious people everywhere, some of them are also parents.

Yep.
I had a similar thought with the second letter, where a stepmother is asking for advice about a teenager coming home from visits crying and Prudie or whomever is like "but it's her mom, she'll want to keep seeing her mooooom."

I'm a mom. Moms aren't any better than other people. Moms screw up. Moms can be stone cold biatches. I have generally have a great relationship with mine, but at one point a stopped talking to her for months because she crossed a line and said some awful stuff to Mr. Tarrant and hurt him deeply. You can't insult my husband that way just because you're my mom.

I find the obsession with maintaining toxic relationships just because you share a bit of closer DNA absurd.


because many of these columnists are narcissistic toxic people themselves (Im looking at you, Dear Prudence) and want to maintain control over their own families. So they project.
 
2021-03-02 6:02:42 AM  

Astorix: Almea Tarrant: Nidiot: Not everyone in the world is a person you like to spend time with. Being related to you doesn't transform a person into someone who's company you enjoy as an adult. There are obnoxious people everywhere, some of them are also parents.

Yep.
I had a similar thought with the second letter, where a stepmother is asking for advice about a teenager coming home from visits crying and Prudie or whomever is like "but it's her mom, she'll want to keep seeing her mooooom."

I'm a mom. Moms aren't any better than other people. Moms screw up. Moms can be stone cold biatches. I have generally have a great relationship with mine, but at one point a stopped talking to her for months because she crossed a line and said some awful stuff to Mr. Tarrant and hurt him deeply. You can't insult my husband that way just because you're my mom.

I find the obsession with maintaining toxic relationships just because you share a bit of closer DNA absurd.

because many of these columnists are narcissistic toxic people themselves (Im looking at you, Dear Prudence) and want to maintain control over their own families. So they project.


I've noticed a lot of them are misandrist AF as well. I doubt you would get a response like "well you can't just believe a 14 year old girl" if she was coming home from dad's house crying.
 
2021-03-02 6:44:13 AM  
That is really sad - no matter what the cause. There is a chance this woman raised her children in such a way that their childhoods are littered with bad memories. Perhaps she has an addiction problem they don't want to be around. Maybe they don't like her choices in male companionship. Or, maybe they are truly wrapped up in their own lives and unable to understand how important their contact is to their mother. Whatever the underlying cause, it's a shame.
 
2021-03-02 6:59:07 AM  
"Conversation in general isn't easy for me, so I don't enjoy phone calls. When I talk to either of my daughters, there are often long silences"

Oh, sounds delightful! I can't imagine why they're avoiding that.
 
2021-03-02 7:26:04 AM  
The mom in question doesn't give us much info at all.

In a vacuum, the kid getting upset that mom gave her a heads up about weather is absurd. My parents wouldn't get upset if I gave them such a heads up, nor I at them. Something else is there, such as the way she told her kid about it, or typically did so in the past. Perhaps the mom doesn't even recognize what she does.

Then they have a long conversation about stuff. Cool. Why is that not enough? How much interaction does mom want? Talking once a month seems acceptable to me.
 
2021-03-02 7:41:53 AM  
Maybe anything they say to you will get twisted into something they didnt say and that leads to an argument
So they are just avoiding the inevitable argument

Or maybe thats just me
 
2021-03-02 7:56:47 AM  

Dr. DJ Duckhunt: The article lady didn't mention if she was a Trumper. Maybe this is the underlying reason.


Safe bet she isn't. She didn't bring it up extensively.
 
2021-03-02 8:01:49 AM  

Gyrfalcon: "Don't send me things as if you think I'm incompetent" is pretty harsh in itself, and says to me that mom is/was overly involved in her daughter's life, and daughter has/had some serious self-esteem issues and can't move past "why is mom always nagging me?!"


My mother is like that with the unintentional condescending unsolicited advice. It's an anxiety disorder on her part, I know that, but it wears fast.
 
2021-03-02 8:06:52 AM  
This person reminds me of someone I used to work with. She was so unpleasant and so negative and she would share every little horrible thought she had and she would rant about all kinds of things.

But if someone tried to push back or tell her to stop she'd get all wide eyed and say "why are you picking on me". And when she'd tell people the story of the event she would paint herself as just minding her own business and the other person just blew up at her for absolutely no reason at all, even though we all heard what she said at the time.

We all tell ourselves stories about who and what kind of person we are that may or may not match how we act towards others or are perceived by others.

And maybe this woman is aware of that on some level. Maybe therapy is helping her reprogram how she deals with people. But her kids wanting nothing to do with her is now about who she was when they were young and impressionable and that might never heal. It grew twisted and might never be straightened out.

I haven't talked to my father in years. I don't hold any animosity towards him. We just mutually don't want to talk to each other.  But it has nothing to do with who he is now (I don't even know who he is now) and everything to do with who he was when I was growing up.
 
2021-03-02 8:09:15 AM  

Astorix: ng2810: Gyrfalcon: Jesus McSordid: Probably because you're some flavour of coont. You're trying to "reframe harsh automatic thoughts into healthier ones", but finding it hard, which probably means you've been negative for so long that your kids just flat out don't like you.
Also, very likely a Trumper.

Or the daughter is. "Don't send me things as if you think I'm incompetent" is pretty harsh in itself, and says to me that mom is/was overly involved in her daughter's life, and daughter has/had some serious self-esteem issues and can't move past "why is mom always nagging me?!"

Adult kids have to learn the hard way, it seems, that moms will always be moms. My aged grandmother (in her late 80's at the time) once told my mother (in her 60's then) to be careful not to cut herself with a sharp knife when they were making dinner. My own adored mom always adjured me to be careful taking hot dishes out of the oven.

I know plenty of adults who can't handle this idea that their moms will always and forever be their moms and will warn them to wear coats on cold days and be careful driving late at night. Deal with it, I say, before you have to bury your parents with a lot of things unsaid.

My mom beat me when I refused to let her do my homework because she thought I was incompetent.

She called me "Iago" after the obnoxious parrot in Aladin because she said I had a horrible voice.

She refused to buy milk for my newborn bunnies after their mother rejected them, and they all slowly starved to death in my arms.

She forced me to go to family reunion a few hours after my sergeant called saying my rapist was walking free and yelled at me for being moody.

She refused to drive me to my teenage job teaching elementary kids at summer camp because she didn't want me to work while I was in school and lost the job.

She told me the only way I could be successful in the film Industry was to sleep with Steven Spielberg since I wasn't otherwise talented.

She's a Trumper.

She cries to h ...


Add "Heroin addict dad dying" somewhere between age 5 and 6 and it sounds like my upbringing.

People with idealistic or mostly normal childhoods have no true idea of the horror going on around them with the other kids in their class.
 
2021-03-02 8:10:04 AM  
My parents never call me.  Ever.  Not on my birthday.  Ever.
They basically feel it's the children's responsibility to stay in touch.
I don't call on my birthday.  I call the next day.
Then every year we have the same conversation "I didn't call because I thought you would call here!"
"well, I didn't call because it was MY birthday so I thought YOU'D call ME!"

It's all very passive-aggressive and has been working for 49 years so....
 
2021-03-02 8:15:30 AM  
I stop by the old man's house every couple weeks to dump my garbage and make sure he didn't fall down the stairs again. Oh and to argue politics. The Fox News got him, but I'm trying.
 
2021-03-02 8:25:32 AM  
I call and talk to my parents about once a month or whenever I have news.

We are all extraordinarily boring so there's usually not much to tell.

We always do birthdays and the holidays.

I caught myself being a shiatty kid recently. They stopped by for a visit and had brought me a full set of Cuisinart stainless steel cookware. Mom had found a great deal on them and bought me and my brother a set each for no other reason than she liked us.

Me, being my father's son, spent most of their visit asking why the hell she did that, "I appreciate it but I've got cast iron - I didn't need them, I got nowhere to put them, yadda, yadda, yadda."

The point where I differ from dad is I've at least started to realize that's shiatty and ungrateful. I didn't realize it until later that day, though and called mom to apologize for being a shiathead and to give a proper thank you.

I don't talk to my dad much, we love each other but we don't really understand each other, usually to the point of pissing each other off.
 
2021-03-02 8:30:14 AM  
Before she died my mother had turned from a very sweet woman into an angry harpy due to a constant 18/7 (she'd at least shut it off when she went to sleep) diet of Rush Limbaugh and Fox News. She kept it on on every television in the house - at the same time, all of them on with volume - because she was terrified she'd miss something important if she went to another room while cleaning or the like and it wasn't on.

Phone calls with her turned into her going on a rant about the enemy of the week - immigrants, liberals, the fact that US healthcare is the Best In The World No Exception, whatever. Eventually I stopped calling except on her birthday and Mother's Day. She'd 100% have been a Trumper were she still around.

With her gone, I do call my dad about weekly. I couldn't do that when she was alive, she'd grab the phone and rant at me about something on Fox.

Sometimes it's the kids. Sometimes it's the parents. In any case, she should try calling them. They probably have much busier lives and sometimes things get away.
 
2021-03-02 9:21:01 AM  
Butt stuff. Either too much or too little.
 
2021-03-02 9:23:34 AM  

Gyrfalcon: Adult kids have to learn the hard way, it seems, that moms will always be moms. My aged grandmother (in her late 80's at the time) once told my mother (in her 60's then) to be careful not to cut herself with a sharp knife when they were making dinner. My own adored mom always adjured me to be careful taking hot dishes out of the oven.


My mom is still worried that I go out and cut the grass by myself because she thinks I'll stick my arm into the blade to clear something out.  (I'm 50.  If I were going to do that, I'd had long ago had no arms.)

She also lectures me about speeding and had a cow when I went out west and the speed limit was 80 MPH.  It's like "Mom, I'm not even speeding".
 
2021-03-02 9:28:03 AM  
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What mom looks like
 
2021-03-02 9:33:29 AM  

Zombies ate my neighbors: People with idealistic or mostly normal childhoods have no true idea of the horror going on around them with the other kids in their class.


I've always thought I had the greatest family because when you get down to it, I did.  While my parents were divorced, they did it right with the emphasis being what was right for the kids.  I never had to worry about food or shelter or not having clothes or any of the truly terrible things that others had to deal with as kids.  It wasn't until I was an adult that I realized that not everyone had that life growing up.
 
2021-03-02 9:36:12 AM  
I see a lot of people suspecting it's the mom here, but I would also suggest it could be the kids and where they're at right now in their lives. To me, she needs to sit down and have a heart to heart with her kids and genuinely ask "so you are adults now, what kind of relationship should we have?" and put it out there genuinely to try and cultivate a dialog.
I think it's natural to transition to different levels of interaction with your family as you go through different ages. When I was in my 20's and single and seeing the world, I wasn't motivated at all to talk to family. Later in my 30's with kids, I talk with them much more than I ever did when I was younger.
 
2021-03-02 9:50:18 AM  

bostonguy: I will never understand why parents can't just pick up the phone and call once in a while.


In the case of my father, because I blocked his number.
 
2021-03-02 9:50:41 AM  

Almea Tarrant: Astorix: Almea Tarrant: Nidiot: Not everyone in the world is a person you like to spend time with. Being related to you doesn't transform a person into someone who's company you enjoy as an adult. There are obnoxious people everywhere, some of them are also parents.

Yep.
I had a similar thought with the second letter, where a stepmother is asking for advice about a teenager coming home from visits crying and Prudie or whomever is like "but it's her mom, she'll want to keep seeing her mooooom."

I'm a mom. Moms aren't any better than other people. Moms screw up. Moms can be stone cold biatches. I have generally have a great relationship with mine, but at one point a stopped talking to her for months because she crossed a line and said some awful stuff to Mr. Tarrant and hurt him deeply. You can't insult my husband that way just because you're my mom.

I find the obsession with maintaining toxic relationships just because you share a bit of closer DNA absurd.

because many of these columnists are narcissistic toxic people themselves (Im looking at you, Dear Prudence) and want to maintain control over their own families. So they project.

I've noticed a lot of them are misandrist AF as well. I doubt you would get a response like "well you can't just believe a 14 year old girl" if she was coming home from dad's house crying.


That's a solid point.

A lot of times in Prudie or Stoya if the guy isn't GTG for some swinger or poly stuff and he's scolded in a way that is not longer approved for expressing body autonomy.
 
2021-03-02 10:03:28 AM  
Relationships evolve over years. This is what you've nurtured your relationship into which kinda sucks. Maybe you need to listen more?
 
2021-03-02 10:37:44 AM  
When my ma gives me shiat like this I ask her how often she called and visited her parents when she was my age. The answer is nearly never and once a year for a summer road trip.
 
2021-03-02 10:50:10 AM  

buntz: My parents never call me.  Ever.  Not on my birthday.  Ever.
They basically feel it's the children's responsibility to stay in touch.
I don't call on my birthday.  I call the next day.
Then every year we have the same conversation "I didn't call because I thought you would call here!"
"well, I didn't call because it was MY birthday so I thought YOU'D call ME!"

It's all very passive-aggressive and has been working for 49 years so....


Csb:

Dad comes to my condo to visit, complains I didn't call him for father's day.

I ask him if he knows what day today is. He does not. It's my birthday.

:)

But I hear you. My mother does this. I live 6 minutes from her mother. She visits her mom weekly, sometimes more. She tries to guilt me that we don't see one another enough, I tell her she is welcome any time. I tell her to tell me the next time she visits grandma, we'll do something.

She doesn't tell me. She continues playing the "you don't call" card.

Also she once cancelled plans to visit because my brother asked her to dogsit at the last minute. Plans made for weeks.
 
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