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7182 clicks; posted to Main » and Politics » on 01 Mar 2021 at 11:05 PM (5 weeks ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook



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2021-03-01 7:35:13 PM  
Sheep-stealing so-and-sos.  (They have a habit of swiping the faithful from other churches.)
 
2021-03-01 9:04:24 PM  
Wrong religion, but relevant:

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"

"Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
 
2021-03-01 9:11:12 PM  
Religion is messed up
 
2021-03-01 9:52:22 PM  
If the issue is not addressed on May 8, Boyette said he and his allies would be willing to delay until the 2022 General Conference, but only if UMC centrists and progressives remain committed to previous agreements about a breakup. Any lessening of those commitments might prompt the conservatives to bring the new church into existence, Boyette said.

Why the hell don't they just f*cking go?  And why is the UMC so dedicated to "delicate deliberations?"

The most prominent plan, the Protocol of Reconciliation & Grace Through Separation, has some high-level support, including from the Council of Bishops and from the Global Methodist group. Under the protocol, conservative congregations and regional bodies would be allowed to separate from the UMC and form a new denomination. They would receive $25 million in UMC funds and be able to keep their properties.

Ah.  It's about the money.  Of course.

I still say the UMC should say "Don't let the doorknob hit you - if you don't like our theology, feel free to leave.  You get nothing."
 
2021-03-01 10:11:48 PM  
The history of American Protestantism is periodic lumping over economic, immigration and cultural issues followed by periodic splits over language, immigration and cultural issues.

Thanks for coming to my TED talk on religion in America.
 
2021-03-01 10:36:39 PM  
Aldersgate, or Bristol?
I know Those damn Wesleyans wound stand for it.
 
2021-03-01 11:02:26 PM  
So many things for a church to focus on but they go with seeking the freedom to hate.
 
2021-03-01 11:06:17 PM  
Can we start calling them the Globalist Methodist, as that will likely really screw with them?
 
2021-03-01 11:07:34 PM  
Didn't they already split or was that the Methodists?

Wait, this IS the Methodists
 
2021-03-01 11:08:26 PM  
Gay marriage bad.
We will only tolerate lying, cheating on your wife, greed, racism and gun violence.
You have to set some standards and stick with them.
 
2021-03-01 11:09:51 PM  
And those farkd had to call it
Global because they are the official Methodist Authority of the weeeeerld.

The local podunk rural af Methodist church up the street says good riddance to the bigots.
 
2021-03-01 11:11:13 PM  
You know, we just had a thread with discussion about the various theological rifts in the early churches.  Like, was Jesus fully human or fully God, or fully human *and* fully God.  And what was he before he was born as Jesus because God is eternal?  And is that God separate or part of the rest of God?

It's all so mundane now.  It's just politics.  There's no imagination.

Nothing interesting like the nature of Jesus's circumcision.  Was the foreskin part God, or just part *of* God?
 
2021-03-01 11:15:58 PM  
Reminded of this one:
Fark user imageView Full Size
 
2021-03-01 11:16:51 PM  
reactiongifs.usView Full Size
 
2021-03-01 11:16:58 PM  
Conservative leaders within the United Methodist Church unveiled plans Monday to form a new denomination, the Global Methodist Church, with a doctrine that does not recognize same-sex marriage.
The Rev. Keith Boyette, a Methodist elder from Virginia who chairs the Global Methodist initiative, said he and his allies do not want to wait that long to formally leave the UMC. They have asked that the topic of schism be added to the tightly limited agenda of a special one-day General Conference to be conducted online May 8.


They're that terrified they'll be expected to gay-marry their victims?
 
2021-03-01 11:17:39 PM  

skyotter: You know, we just had a thread with discussion about the various theological rifts in the early churches.  Like, was Jesus fully human or fully God, or fully human *and* fully God.  And what was he before he was born as Jesus because God is eternal?  And is that God separate or part of the rest of God?

It's all so mundane now.  It's just politics.  There's no imagination.

Nothing interesting like the nature of Jesus's circumcision.  Was the foreskin part God, or just part *of* God?


Fark user imageView Full Size
 
2021-03-01 11:18:12 PM  

skyotter: You know, we just had a thread with discussion about the various theological rifts in the early churches.  Like, was Jesus fully human or fully God, or fully human *and* fully God.  And what was he before he was born as Jesus because God is eternal?  And is that God separate or part of the rest of God?

It's all so mundane now.  It's just politics.  There's no imagination.

Nothing interesting like the nature of Jesus's circumcision.  Was the foreskin part God, or just part *of* God?


I've already picked out a uniform for the new Church of the Foreskin.
ae01.alicdn.comView Full Size
 
2021-03-01 11:19:29 PM  
i.imgur.comView Full Size
 
2021-03-01 11:19:33 PM  
Is it "Global" Methodist or "Global" "Methodist"

/it's definitely not Global "Methodist"
//farkin' loonies
 
2021-03-01 11:24:27 PM  

Circusdog320: Religion is messed up


Ooh sorry. The answer we were looking for is "religion is Meth'd up".
 
2021-03-01 11:24:29 PM  
not so united anymore it seems.  maybe they could just go by right or left methodist, like twix bars.
 
2021-03-01 11:25:56 PM  
I'd wager a couple of the churches in question still condone stoning.
 
2021-03-01 11:27:14 PM  
I never got the religious hate for homosexuals. First, they won't have abortions. Second, if they don't go to heaven, that should be fine with the religious pricks, as they won't have to spend eternity next to homosexuals. Leave these people alone and let them 'go to hell' if that's what you think will happen to them. They aren't hurting you in any, way, shape or form.
 
2021-03-01 11:27:37 PM  
Methodists always had the best books at their rummage sales. Much more a reader, or at least meant to read, than Baptists.
 
2021-03-01 11:29:24 PM  

smilbandit: not so united anymore it seems.


Just about as oxymoronic as the United States.
 
2021-03-01 11:31:56 PM  
Fark user imageView Full Size
 
2021-03-01 11:34:01 PM  
Fark user imageView Full Size

/I can't believe no one posted blazing saddles yet
//you guys are slackers.
 
2021-03-01 11:42:07 PM  

Dr. DJ Duckhunt: I never got the religious hate for homosexuals. First, they won't have abortions. Second, if they don't go to heaven, that should be fine with the religious pricks, as they won't have to spend eternity next to homosexuals. Leave these people alone and let them 'go to hell' if that's what you think will happen to them. They aren't hurting you in any, way, shape or form.


They stubbornly refuse to breed and produce more suckers to indoctrinate and prop up the church.

No, seriously, it's the major reason why gay people being "out" bothers them so: it removes the otherwise-present social pressure to marry the opposite sex and produce offspring.
 
2021-03-01 11:42:35 PM  
My mother in law's Presbyterian church split because a plurality wanted to be more accepting of the LGBT community. My father in law's Catholic community center of which he was a founding member basically excommunicated him because he was a registered Democrat.

A couple of the many reasons I'm an atheist.
 
2021-03-01 11:43:44 PM  
It doesn't really matter if you SPIT or SWALLOW.

Just so long as you finished the job.

So there is no such thing as a "lousy spitter".
 
2021-03-01 11:44:54 PM  
"MY fairytale is the correct one!"

"No, MY fairytale is the correct one!"
 
2021-03-01 11:45:12 PM  

bingethinker: Wrong religion, but relevant:

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"

"Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.


Approves

Fark user imageView Full Size
 
2021-03-01 11:46:50 PM  
I'm all in favor of religions splitting up into ever-smaller and less powerful entities. May it continue into oblivion.
 
2021-03-01 11:47:45 PM  

Dr. DJ Duckhunt: I never got the religious hate for homosexuals. First, they won't have abortions. Second, if they don't go to heaven, that should be fine with the religious pricks, as they won't have to spend eternity next to homosexuals. Leave these people alone and let them 'go to hell' if that's what you think will happen to them. They aren't hurting you in any, way, shape or form.


For a lot of them, the only thing stopping them from stealing, killing, and farking their neighbor's wife is that God told them not to.

Same thing for gay sex.
 
2021-03-01 11:54:10 PM  

skyotter: You know, we just had a thread with discussion about the various theological rifts in the early churches.  Like, was Jesus fully human or fully God, or fully human *and* fully God.  And what was he before he was born as Jesus because God is eternal?  And is that God separate or part of the rest of God?

It's all so mundane now.  It's just politics.  There's no imagination.

Nothing interesting like the nature of Jesus's circumcision.  Was the foreskin part God, or just part *of* God?


These things get laughed at these days.  Talking about this sort of thing in today's world is just so obviously makin' nonsensical shiat up that they don't dare.
 
2021-03-01 11:56:08 PM  
45,001...
 
2021-03-01 11:56:32 PM  
I believe the Presbyterians just left it up to the church. New Light good with gays (pre gay marriage) out that subtlety on sig or in literature, not New Light, down with gays and business as usual. Seemed reasonable in the 1980s. Seems farking dumb now.
 
2021-03-02 12:01:05 AM  

bingethinker: Wrong religion, but relevant:

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"

"Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.


And this here is why my general reframe is fark religion
 
2021-03-02 12:02:13 AM  

Somacandra: The history of American Protestantism is periodic lumping over economic, immigration and cultural issues followed by periodic splits over language, immigration and cultural issues.

Thanks for coming to my TED talk on religion in America.


I can't believe you glossed over the Calvinism.
 
2021-03-02 12:02:19 AM  
Fark user imageView Full Size


This so accurately sums up the absolute stupidity of religion.
 
2021-03-02 12:03:53 AM  

Dr. DJ Duckhunt: I never got the religious hate for homosexuals. First, they won't have abortions. Second, if they don't go to heaven, that should be fine with the religious pricks, as they won't have to spend eternity next to homosexuals. Leave these people alone and let them 'go to hell' if that's what you think will happen to them. They aren't hurting you in any, way, shape or form.


Religions are organisms shaped by natural selection as much as anything.  Religion is almost entirely inherited.  People who convert to a religion in adult life are statistical blips.  Religions that involve everyone killing themselves, or remaining celibate, don't continue through generations.  Religions that have happened upon a set of behaviours that maximise breeding within the religion continue for generations.

Church camps and dances cause breeding early and often and within the church.  Being against birth control and abortion is ensures lots of babies.  Gay people don't breed so much.
 
2021-03-02 12:05:04 AM  

litespeed74: Gay marriage bad.
We will only tolerate lying, cheating on your wife, greed, racism and gun violence.
You have to set some standards and stick with them.


I should start my own religion. I'll be cool with most things. But no charging interest and no butt sex.
Because who wants 💩 🌭?

Dope. Cool.
Lying? No.
Cheating? No.
Killing? No.
And we're done.
 
2021-03-02 12:09:49 AM  

Dr. DJ Duckhunt: I never got the religious hate for homosexuals. First, they won't have abortions. Second, if they don't go to heaven, that should be fine with the religious pricks, as they won't have to spend eternity next to homosexuals. Leave these people alone and let them 'go to hell' if that's what you think will happen to them. They aren't hurting you in any, way, shape or form.


Their greatest fear is someone, somewhere, is happy.  You can't have that.
 
2021-03-02 12:14:04 AM  
To be led by Pope Karen the First.
 
2021-03-02 12:33:18 AM  

waxbeans: bingethinker: Wrong religion, but relevant:

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"

"Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.

And this here is why my general reframe is fark religion


You are truly an enlightened genius.   And sharing your story here on fark is priceless.

Thank you so much.
 
2021-03-02 12:42:54 AM  

Dr. DJ Duckhunt: I never got the religious hate for homosexuals. First, they won't have abortions. Second, if they don't go to heaven, that should be fine with the religious pricks, as they won't have to spend eternity next to homosexuals. Leave these people alone and let them 'go to hell' if that's what you think will happen to them. They aren't hurting you in any, way, shape or form.


And if you piss us off, get used to the softer side of Sears and Walmart for all your fashion needs, and frizzy hair with bad blowouts, ugly mismatched furniture in your double-wide, and really crappily-acted Broadway shows.

If you really piss us off, we're bringing back bell bottoms and 70s colors.
 
2021-03-02 12:45:05 AM  

rfenster: waxbeans: bingethinker: Wrong religion, but relevant:

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"

"Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.

And this here is why my general reframe is fark religion

You are truly an enlightened genius.   And sharing your story here on fark is priceless.

Thank you so much.


Sorry. Raised Catholic. Switched to Born Again, left because Born Agains sat around bad mouthing people.
now, I'm just trying to love people and fight human crap actions.
/
Read
Becoming Like God: Kabbalah & Our Ultimate Destiny by Rabbi Michael Berg
//
Hugs 😊🤗
///
😐 Sorry 😐
 
2021-03-02 12:46:37 AM  

X-Geek: Dr. DJ Duckhunt: I never got the religious hate for homosexuals. First, they won't have abortions. Second, if they don't go to heaven, that should be fine with the religious pricks, as they won't have to spend eternity next to homosexuals. Leave these people alone and let them 'go to hell' if that's what you think will happen to them. They aren't hurting you in any, way, shape or form.

For a lot of them, the only thing stopping them from stealing, killing, and farking their neighbor's wife is that God told them not to.

Same thing for gay sex.


Except that Jesus never said anything about gay sex, and the Apostle Paul was 'celibate' and had a little buddy Timothy.  Paul even said men should not get married, but remain as he was.

The Levitic code was against homosexuality in the same way that it was against eating shellfish and wearing polycotton blends, tattoos, sowing two crops in the same field, being intimate with a woman who was menstruating, etc.  They were primitive desert nomads thousands of years ago.  It's pretty stupid to take their superstitions as guidance.
 
2021-03-02 12:47:25 AM  

waxbeans: Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump.


Once I ripped off Emo Philips' joke
 
2021-03-02 12:54:46 AM  

MBooda: smilbandit: not so united anymore it seems.

Just about as oxymoronic as the United States.


It was fine before Alaska and Hawaii threw a wrench into things.
 
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