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(Slate)   "My husband is a high-powered executive and breadwinner; I stay at home with our 4 year-old twin sons. We have a nice house, nice cars, and can afford private education for the kids. But he refuses to parent, saying it's not his job. What can I do?"   (slate.com) divider line
    More: Asinine, Family, Marriage, Make You Feel My Love, story time, ongoing struggle, corporate America, young children, real work  
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338 clicks; posted to Discussion » on 02 Feb 2021 at 10:05 AM (13 weeks ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook



49 Comments     (+0 »)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest
 
2021-02-02 7:24:20 AM  
fight him u morond caled surival of the fitest

if he kills u then he doesnt have to raze the kid's if u win then he does

also known as hilander their can only be 1
 
2021-02-02 7:28:00 AM  
Check out the value of the pre-nup.  Act accordingly.
 
2021-02-02 7:31:42 AM  

Sorelian's Ghost: Check out the value of the pre-nup.  Act accordingly.


Let the nanny deal with them.
 
2021-02-02 7:32:30 AM  
Old Fark would have told her to make him a sammich.
Nu Fark will tell her to go back and finish Law School because U Go Grrl!
 
2021-02-02 7:33:25 AM  
Farking around: marrying a sociopath because he makes a lot of money and you'll get to live comfortably.
Finding out: complaining that a sociopath acts like a sociopath all the time.
 
2021-02-02 7:46:38 AM  
Butt stuf
 
2021-02-02 7:54:11 AM  
Fark the pool boy, emotionally scar the children, and coolly cut the brake lines to the husbands Ferrari. It's a tale as old as time.

/hopefully the joining of these two families allowed an advantageous alliance or opened some trade route
 
2021-02-02 8:27:13 AM  
The Slate writer here says to talk about how Obama was with his kids.

I'm just taking a wild guess here, but, from how the wife describes the husband, I'm going to go out on a limb and say he doesn't have a great opinion of Obama to start with.
 
2021-02-02 8:31:16 AM  
What I will say is at 4-years-old, it isn't too late for the dad to get an epiphany and for the kids to actually have an engaged dad.

Unless they have a nanny (which based on how the dad sounds, he is probably screwing on the side), the fact that they have twins makes this even more outrageous... really, I'm sure that these kids have both had to have their diapers changed at the same time, and you just stood there on the sidelines like "not my job biatch!".  WTF what an arsehole.
 
jbc [TotalFark]
2021-02-02 8:59:16 AM  

The Googles Do Nothing: Old Fark would have told her to make him a sammich.
Nu Fark will tell her to go back and finish Law School because U Go Grrl!


Pretty sexist of you to think law students aren't smart enough to figure out how to make a sandwich.
 
2021-02-02 9:25:13 AM  
I doubt he became a self-centered, career-driven guy just since the kids were born, but there's probably a big element of "You knew what you were getting" here.

/super involved dad
//yes, it hinders your career advancement
 
2021-02-02 9:34:48 AM  
Well, he also sounds like the kind of guy who says "Well, YOU are the one who wanted kids".
 
2021-02-02 10:06:06 AM  

Sorelian's Ghost: Check out the value of the pre-nup.  Act accordingly.


And buy a fireproof safe and discretely begin depositing cash into a secret stash that literally no one knows about, with no paper trail.
 
2021-02-02 10:14:15 AM  

jbc: The Googles Do Nothing: Old Fark would have told her to make him a sammich.
Nu Fark will tell her to go back and finish Law School because U Go Grrl!

Pretty sexist of you to think law students aren't smart enough to figure out how to make a sandwich.


They can, it's just that some might make a burrito and claim it's a sandwich by citing NY tax law.
 
2021-02-02 10:15:46 AM  
On the one hand, if you are staying home to raise these children and his part is to earn enough so that you can and that you all have an advantaged life - it's not fair to ask him to bathe the kids or cook meals when he gets home.

On the other hand, if he takes absolutely no interest in participating in his childrens' lives, he probably never will. Getting him to 'come around' will be fruitless.

So, you can do one of two things:

1. Ask him what you can do so that he has the inclination to spend time with his kids - playing, reading, whatever. Then, try doing those things so that he can understand how important his relationship with his children is. Yes, it's a bit of a sacrifice, but that's already baked into parenting.

2. You can make the difficult decision to call it a day. Understanding that your unhappiness in marriage (ESPECIALLY if the disagreement involves the kids) only serves to hurt them, in the long run.

I would recommend trying these two things in this precise order.
 
2021-02-02 10:16:05 AM  
How did humans make it out of caves when this scenario played out for generations?
 
2021-02-02 10:26:32 AM  
So do couples not actually talk before deciding to forgo Fark-approved butt stuff and procreate?

When Mr. Tarrant and I decided to try and spawn he was working and I wasn't, but it was still made clear that I didn't mind being a stay-at-home mom (for a while at least) and he would be an active parent. We also discussed things like family involvement (things were not good with his folks at that time), what we would do if prenatal tests showed abnormalities, breastfeeding, type of diapers, etc.

It doesn't require a summit, just a quick discussion to see if you're on the same page. I guess things could get messy if you disagree a lot, but that mess should be cleaned up before you start dumping morning sickness on it.
 
2021-02-02 10:31:11 AM  
article: 'he doesn't lift a finger at home with our sons. No baths, no feedings, no story time, no playing in the backyard, nothing. Whenever I ask him about it, he gets upset and tells me "Everything you and the kids have is because of me. You should be grateful!'

Any bets that this dad and wife are mirroring his own parent's lives?
 
2021-02-02 10:31:38 AM  
When you're dealing with four-year-old twins, the priority is not so much "how can I get Dad to bond with his offspring?", it's more "who will help me hold one of them down while I strap the other one into the stroller?".

So, the obvious short-term answer: hire a nanny.  Or two.  Maybe a cook, a maid, etc, depending on your taste, budget, and desired lifestyle.  (Do you REALLY want to have nothing to do during naptime except write your novel?)

Now comes the tricky decision.  There are three ways to go when hiring a nanny.

1) Extremely ugly.  Avoid tempting the husband into any monkey business.
2) Extremely attractive (female).  Tempt the husband, enjoy the subsequent divorce, gather the sympathy of all your friends.
3) Extremely attractive (male).  Tempt yourself, enjoy the subsequent divorce, who cares what your friends think, they're just jealous.

Which one to choose will depend on a) whether you see any value to keeping the husband around, and b) whether he has an ironclad pre-nup.
 
2021-02-02 10:34:11 AM  
Surround yourself with unqualified supporters, then explode in false psychic trauma by dogging with the delivery boy. Demand several hundred dollars in child support. That'll fix things.
 
2021-02-02 10:37:37 AM  

phenn: On the one hand, if you are staying home to raise these children and his part is to earn enough so that you can and that you all have an advantaged life - it's not fair to ask him to bathe the kids or cook meals when he gets home.


I'm curious, why not?
Taking care of young kids is an all-day job too. Unless they're good nappers, you have to watch them basically constantly. Like puppies, quiet is suspicious.

If both parents have been busy all day long, why should one always get evenings off just because they leave the house? Obviously bringing home the bacon is important, but so is making sure your kids eat, don't sit around in their poop, or chew on electrical cables.
 
2021-02-02 10:38:07 AM  
I'd also like to add that my only regret is that the husband doesn't have boneitis.
 
2021-02-02 10:43:14 AM  
Play "Cat in the Cradle" on an endless loop until he relents.
 
2021-02-02 10:44:04 AM  
No sympathy for her. She knew exactly what she was getting into, people like that don't suddenly become assholes.

As to the sperm donor, he can go fark himself with a cactus. Don't have kids if you're not going to parent them, asshole.

A ton of sympathy for the kids though. They didn't ask to have an asshole father and a stupid mother.
 
2021-02-02 10:49:00 AM  
Oh, all my neighbors.

Just get yourself a new golf cart, baby, and do a playdate.
 
2021-02-02 11:08:35 AM  
I could see not wanting to get up for middle of the night feedings, or avoiding diaper changes, or all of the other non-fun childcare duties.  Nobody wants to do that stuff.  But if your smart you come up with an equitable arrangement (or hire a nanny or something).

But refusing to play ball in the backyard?  Refusing to read a story? Or play a game?  Or spending any time with your kids?

That seems psychopathic.

A good childhood in a sufficient house, is better then being ignored in a palace.
 
2021-02-02 11:12:44 AM  
You married a jerk.
 
2021-02-02 11:21:28 AM  
Stop humble bragging you narcissist
 
2021-02-02 11:26:15 AM  
Unless he is legit working 70 hour weeks for his high powered job or something, this is unacceptable.

If he isn't helping with the chore side of parenting but is engaging his children when he can for play and such, then that could be ok. Sub-optimal, of course.

Checks article.  No playing in the backyard? Get a divorce for the kids' sake. Growing up with a father too busy for you sucks, trust me. I can't imagine having one who doesn't care.
 
2021-02-02 11:27:17 AM  
And she is going to remind those kids everyday of their lives how much she sacrifices for them.

Goddamn this letter could have been written by my mom.
 
2021-02-02 11:39:36 AM  

RodneyToady: jbc: The Googles Do Nothing: Old Fark would have told her to make him a sammich.
Nu Fark will tell her to go back and finish Law School because U Go Grrl!

Pretty sexist of you to think law students aren't smart enough to figure out how to make a sandwich.

They can, it's just that some might make a burrito and claim it's a sandwich by citing NY tax law.


What about a hotdog? Sandwich or no?

/Runs
 
2021-02-02 11:52:57 AM  

nanim: "Everything you and the kids have is because of me. You should be grateful!'


There is an entire segment of society (conservatives) who are wired exactly this way. Ask them what matters most and they will say "providing for my family." If they are doing that, they feel they have absolutely suceeded at everything that is necessary on their part.
 
2021-02-02 12:23:29 PM  
Be thankful?
 
2021-02-02 12:47:30 PM  

Sabreace22: Fark the pool boy, emotionally scar the children, and coolly cut the brake lines to the husbands Ferrari.



WTF is wrong with you??

None of this is the Ferrari's fault. :-(
 
2021-02-02 12:52:06 PM  
That dick ain't gonna suck itself
 
2021-02-02 1:29:10 PM  
What about a hotdog? Sandwich or no?

/Runs


You can relax. This matter has at long last been settled and all sides are now in total, serene agreement:

https://existentialcomics.com/comic/2​6​8
 
2021-02-02 1:42:11 PM  
So... get helpers, send the kids to private school, then get fat
 
2021-02-02 5:03:58 PM  

puffy999: So... get helpers, send the kids to private school, then get fat


This is the correct answer.  You send the kids AWAY to private schools where someone else can do ALL of the parenting.

Private live-in school administrators do indeed act "in loco parentis", plus, they will be surrounded by people their age in exactly the same boat.  If you're thinking your children will wind up emotionally damaged, they won't.
 
2021-02-02 5:39:00 PM  

Almea Tarrant: phenn: On the one hand, if you are staying home to raise these children and his part is to earn enough so that you can and that you all have an advantaged life - it's not fair to ask him to bathe the kids or cook meals when he gets home.

I'm curious, why not?
Taking care of young kids is an all-day job too. Unless they're good nappers, you have to watch them basically constantly. Like puppies, quiet is suspicious.

If both parents have been busy all day long, why should one always get evenings off just because they leave the house? Obviously bringing home the bacon is important, but so is making sure your kids eat, don't sit around in their poop, or chew on electrical cables.


She should remind him daily that she has the second hardest job in the world (the first, of course, being a military wife and mother) and thus no matter how much he makes can never afford her.
 
2021-02-02 5:52:43 PM  
Why should he do anything? When I was a stay-at-home dad I could care less if my wife did literally nothing after work and on weekends.
 
2021-02-02 5:59:29 PM  
Was this letter secretly written by Stephen Spielberg? Or by someone watching a bunch of 90s kid movies? SpentMILES!!!!
 
2021-02-02 6:45:09 PM  
I do not understand why people like this even want children. "Yeah, um, I'll have kids, the wife will take care of them and I can wash my hands of them." Why bother?
 
2021-02-02 10:29:28 PM  
Simple: Divorce him and get a job, that way you can both stay miserable. Obviously neither of you really talked this through before you started popping out units. That's not unusual, people often skip this step. Enjoy single parenthood!
 
2021-02-02 10:36:42 PM  

RodneyToady: jbc: The Googles Do Nothing: Old Fark would have told her to make him a sammich.
Nu Fark will tell her to go back and finish Law School because U Go Grrl!

Pretty sexist of you to think law students aren't smart enough to figure out how to make a sandwich.

They can, it's just that some might make a burrito and claim it's a sandwich by citing NY tax law.


Uh, burritos are sandwiches. They're just a Mexican wrap. Wraps are sandwiches. As are tacos. Hot dogs. Calzones. Hot pockets, what have you.
 
2021-02-02 10:42:10 PM  

The English Major: RodneyToady: jbc: The Googles Do Nothing: Old Fark would have told her to make him a sammich.
Nu Fark will tell her to go back and finish Law School because U Go Grrl!

Pretty sexist of you to think law students aren't smart enough to figure out how to make a sandwich.

They can, it's just that some might make a burrito and claim it's a sandwich by citing NY tax law.

Uh, burritos are sandwiches. They're just a Mexican wrap. Wraps are sandwiches. As are tacos. Hot dogs. Calzones. Hot pockets, what have you.


You lost me at hot pockets.

At that point, a pot pie with a crust thick enough to pick up must also be a sandwich, and that's some cats and dogs living together shiat.
 
2021-02-02 10:53:31 PM  

Needlessly Complicated: I do not understand why people like this even want children. "Yeah, um, I'll have kids, the wife will take care of them and I can wash my hands of them." Why bother?


My  guess is they never talked about it beyond she'd be stay at home mommy, before four units popped out. I'll also guess he's working 60-80 hour weeks, traveled/travels a lot, and so on. "High flying executive" is often code for rising star newbie that's either going to burn out, flame out, or actually succeed. I'll also guess she's going to find they were living beyond their means when she files for divorce (my suggestion) and that alimony won't amount to her lifestyle requirements.

My wife and I talked it over. We knew life would be a biatch at first when I started consulting. We'd be scrabbling a bit until contracts steadied up. I'd also be traveling, a lot. That would mean that I wouldn't be home, a lot. That would mean my wife would be responsible for taking card of our kids, on top of money being tight. However, because we talked about it, we worked through the rough times together. More people need to take the time to really talk things through, and really dig into the details, or they'll continue to stick their head in the sand.
 
2021-02-02 11:32:59 PM  

Needlessly Complicated: I do not understand why people like this even want children. "Yeah, um, I'll have kids, the wife will take care of them and I can wash my hands of them." Why bother?


Because they think that's how you prove you have succeeded in life. Acquire spouse. Acquire house. Acquire cars. Produce children. Congratulations, you have won at life. The end.
 
2021-02-03 12:46:39 AM  
You married him you dumb bint if you didn't want this outcome you should've vetted him before making more miserable lives
 
2021-02-03 7:41:07 AM  

Leader O'Cola: How did humans make it out of caves when this scenario played out for generations?


Because caveman was sure he'd come home to a clean cave every day.
 
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