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(Slate)   "I've been putting money into savings regularly; it's been difficult with the pandemic, but we're doing it. My wife never shares her credit card receipts and shops to thwart depression. I learned she blew our savings online shopping. What can I do?"   (slate.com) divider line
    More: Awkward, Anxiety, Marriage, Sexual intercourse, Want, Q. Wife, possibility of an extended visit, much time, own feelings of uncertainty  
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410 clicks; posted to Discussion » on 27 Jan 2021 at 11:35 AM (4 weeks ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook



46 Comments     (+0 »)
 
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest
 
2021-01-27 8:30:27 AM  
Marriage counseling and cancel her cards. Return whatever items you can.
 
2021-01-27 9:00:07 AM  
Does Slate even have a Dear Slatey column or are these incessant headlines some sort of running joke?
 
2021-01-27 10:15:57 AM  
What can you do? Take that experience and write the next big Contemporary Country hit song and make your money back.
 
2021-01-27 10:19:29 AM  
Kick her out. I'm sure that'll do wonders for her depression.
 
2021-01-27 10:23:11 AM  

mofa: Does Slate even have a Dear Slatey column or are these incessant headlines some sort of running joke?


Are you going to check? I'm not.
 
2021-01-27 10:32:57 AM  
STFU and GBTW, you douche. Your wife's depressed and needs help. If you don't help her, then you're the dick in this story.
 
2021-01-27 10:40:14 AM  
Wait until the credit card she never told you about is maxed out with non-payment penalty interest rates and the collections agencies come calling. Thats always fun.
 
2021-01-27 10:44:47 AM  
Open a secret savings account and salt some money away. Problem solved.
 
2021-01-27 10:48:53 AM  

bostonguy: Marriage counseling and cancel her cards. Return whatever items you can.


And if that fails, move on, because it will never get better.
 
2021-01-27 11:11:42 AM  
Separate your finances, to the extent possible. Depression and anxiety are shiat to live with, but they are not a license to wreck a family's finances. Take care of the human issues with counseling, talking, possibly medication, etc. Take care of financial issues with pragmatic, unemotional diligence. When (if) everyone's headspace comes back into alignment, then rejoin finances. Until then, don't stay connected to a sinking [financial] ship.
 
2021-01-27 11:18:32 AM  
I went thru this with ex-wife number 1. I paid off her credit cards and took them so she couldn't run up 10s of thousands of debt. In six months, she had a whole new set of credit cards with double the amount of credit she previously had (because the cards were paid off) and in that time she had maxed out her new cards too.
 
2021-01-27 11:31:07 AM  
Butt stuff?
 
2021-01-27 11:32:29 AM  
Marshall, quit letting your wife Lily get away with doing stupid stuff.
 
2021-01-27 11:58:42 AM  
If she's spending that much money, how the hell do you not notice all the new stuff that appears around the house constantly?
 
2021-01-27 11:59:41 AM  

ReapTheChaos: If she's spending that much money, how the hell do you not notice all the new stuff that appears around the house constantly?


Plus he apparently disn't check any account balances for about three months.
 
2021-01-27 12:01:53 PM  
Try to build savings and knowing that a depressed spend-a-holic has access to the account?
Your mistake.
Try again, this time with an account under your name, or get a safe deposit box. The box will earn you about the same interest as the bank is offering right now, which is suck.
Treatment for the spouse. If that doesn't work, cut bait and run.
She must be really hot to put up with that shiat.
 
2021-01-27 12:09:19 PM  

cryinoutloud: mofa: Does Slate even have a Dear Slatey column or are these incessant headlines some sort of running joke?

Are you going to check? I'm not.


Slate is equal parts advice columns, post-modern arts & culture commentary, and half-assed news reporting.  It's a shadow of what it was 10-15 years ago.
 
2021-01-27 12:15:58 PM  

darkhorse23: STFU and GBTW, you douche. Your wife's depressed and needs help. If you don't help her, then you're the dick in this story.


Found the wife.
 
2021-01-27 12:17:29 PM  
So he's been putting money into savings, without actually looking at the account?
 
2021-01-27 12:17:42 PM  

ReapTheChaos: If she's spending that much money, how the hell do you not notice all the new stuff that appears around the house constantly?


I had a roommate ten years ago once who blew a lot of money ordering episodes of TV shows to stream online. At $0.99 cents a pop, that could add up but you'd never see anything new around the house. I think he watched a LOT of cooking reality shows because he wanted to be a chef.
 
2021-01-27 12:20:22 PM  
The Erstwhile Mrs. Moriarty has the same issues and I divorced her in 2017.

Life is so much better now that it defies words.  I can't recommend it enough.
 
2021-01-27 12:20:26 PM  

DecemberNitro: darkhorse23: STFU and GBTW, you douche. Your wife's depressed and needs help. If you don't help her, then you're the dick in this story.

Found the wife.

Wife-like typing detected.
 
2021-01-27 12:26:32 PM  
Wife Swap!
Fark user imageView Full Size
 
2021-01-27 12:32:15 PM  
1) I'ma Give You All Your Money, Soon As I Get Paid: DTMFA.

2) Step It Out, Mary, If You Can: Everybody's got problems, but if in your cooperative, someone isn't pulling their weight, the collective needs to decide if they should continue to be allowed to benefit.

3) Mother, You Did The Best You Could, The Best You Can: I'm sorry, I wasn't aware an adult needed permission to marry.  While I appreciate you are still grieving, you have not been wronged.  STFU.

4) Did You Ever Have To Make Up Your Mind?: Fark them both and stick with the better lay.  If they are both bad, DTMFsA.

5) I Phoned Up My Doctor To See What's The Matter: Script?  "Go to the farking doctor and get help.  This isn't normal."  Then offer to drive.

6) I've Been Mistaken For Dead, But Not Tonight: Lesbian Bed Death is my Melissa Etheridge tribute band name.  Anyway, DTMFA.

7) Don't Get Mad, Get Even: STFU and MYOB.  No good can come of this.

8) Mother II: If the kid needs therapy to work through the grief, that's fine.  Just don't take it out on dad.

9) Oh My My II: Yes encourage.  Under pain of death if necessary...
 
2021-01-27 12:39:55 PM  

Astorix: Open a secret savings account and salt some money away. Problem solved.


Well, not solved, but should be helpful for when it is solved.
 
2021-01-27 12:58:13 PM  

RandomAxe: What can you do? Take that experience and write the next big Contemporary Country hit song and make your money back.


That only happens when you play the song backwards.
 
2021-01-27 1:10:02 PM  
Good lord...everything about this story is a great lesson for young men in what NOT to do.

First, guy marries a woman with a history of mental issues and takes anti-depressants. That's a HUGE red flag that there will almost certainly be lots of drama, hassle, and trouble in your future.

Second, he then has FOUR children with her. He must have forgotten the "don't stick your dick in crazy" rule.

Third, he trusted her with his finances and didn't insist on verification. She doesn't like him seeing the bills? Too damn bad. Either full transparency or the CC gets cut up and the account canceled.

Fourth, he's apparently not cutting his losses and filing for divorce. Big mistake. She's not going to change and there WILL be more trouble in the future and he'll probably end up in a worse future position than he would if he just got out now.
 
2021-01-27 1:18:12 PM  

bostonguy: Marriage counseling and cancel her cards. Return whatever items you can.


Also, open a bank account at a different financial institution from the one(s) you currently use and in your own name.  Transfer any savings to that account and do not share any information about that account with your wife.

You may need to disclose its existence if/when you go through the divorce, but until then there's no need for her to be aware of its existence.
 
2021-01-27 1:19:02 PM  
Rather than excoriate the wife, maybe check into her medications.  Several of the antidepressants cause things like impulse buying and gambling addictions in certain people.
 
2021-01-27 1:19:23 PM  
You had FOUR kids with a money spending nut job? Hope you believe in reincarnation, pal, because this life of yours is not gonna get better.
 
2021-01-27 1:23:00 PM  

gretzkyscores: First, guy marries a woman with a history of mental issues and takes anti-depressants. That's a HUGE red flag that there will almost certainly be lots of drama, hassle, and trouble in your future.

Second, he then has FOUR children with her. He must have forgotten the "don't stick your dick in crazy" rule.


Hey, that part is not fair or right. A LOT of people have mental issues and take medication. Probably people close to you that you don't even know. Why are people applauded for overcoming physical ailments but shunned for having mental ones?

I had severe anxiety and have 99% gotten over it, so I might be biased.

I have had people tell me, "Well, can you just not be anxious?" I respond: "That's like saying, can you just not have cancer?"
 
2021-01-27 1:28:51 PM  
 
2021-01-27 1:31:42 PM  

Fear the Clam: You had FOUR kids with a money spending nut job? Hope you believe in reincarnation, pal, because this life of yours is not gonna get better.


In the article he said she was good with the finances before this happened. They have 4 kids so that must have been together for several years. This is new behavior.
 
2021-01-27 1:42:23 PM  
Stick it in her pooper and then divorce her.
 
2021-01-27 2:21:24 PM  

bostonguy: ReapTheChaos: If she's spending that much money, how the hell do you not notice all the new stuff that appears around the house constantly?

I had a roommate ten years ago once who blew a lot of money ordering episodes of TV shows to stream online. At $0.99 cents a pop, that could add up but you'd never see anything new around the house. I think he watched a LOT of cooking reality shows because he wanted to be a chef.


And as we all know, there is no better way to learn about a profession than paying for reality TV shows.
 
2021-01-27 2:58:42 PM  

bostonguy: gretzkyscores: First, guy marries a woman with a history of mental issues and takes anti-depressants. That's a HUGE red flag that there will almost certainly be lots of drama, hassle, and trouble in your future.

Second, he then has FOUR children with her. He must have forgotten the "don't stick your dick in crazy" rule.

Hey, that part is not fair or right. A LOT of people have mental issues and take medication. Probably people close to you that you don't even know. Why are people applauded for overcoming physical ailments but shunned for having mental ones?

I had severe anxiety and have 99% gotten over it, so I might be biased.

I have had people tell me, "Well, can you just not be anxious?" I respond: "That's like saying, can you just not have cancer?"


If you are looking to make someone a life partner and they have a mental illness, it is best to head into it with your eyes wide open.  That doesn't mean it can't work - it absolutely can - but it's important to know that things like post partum depression will likely hit a person that has depression a lot more severely. And that some medications have to be dropped during pregnancy and it is good to have a plan for that before it happens.  And the extra stressful periods  of life - the death of a loved one, a job loss etc, a new baby - may cause a mentally ill person to react with increased anxiety and or depression.
 
2021-01-27 3:52:25 PM  

darkhorse23: STFU and GBTW, you douche. Your wife's depressed and needs help. If you don't help her, then you're the dick in this story.


Mary, is that you? Don't forget we've got a Zoom with Braelin's teacher tomorrow afternoon.
 
2021-01-27 5:03:08 PM  
Slice her balls off
 
2021-01-27 7:52:35 PM  

Yellow Beard: Stick it in her pooper and then divorce her.


And hold on.
 
2021-01-27 8:22:29 PM  

darkhorse23: STFU and GBTW, you douche. Your wife's depressed and needs help. If you don't help her, then you're the dick in this story.


Yes, that's the advice husbands self medicating with floozies, booze, and gambling tend to receive
 
2021-01-27 8:25:18 PM  

Fear the Clam: You had FOUR kids with a money spending nut job? Hope you believe in reincarnation, pal, because this life of yours is not gonna get better.


Time to bring back suttee
 
2021-01-28 1:31:35 AM  

DecemberNitro: darkhorse23: STFU and GBTW, you douche. Your wife's depressed and needs help. If you don't help her, then you're the dick in this story.

Found the wife.


Found the dick.
 
2021-01-28 4:27:50 AM  

MoriartyLives: The Erstwhile Mrs. Moriarty has the same issues and I divorced her in 2017.

Life is so much better now that it defies words.  I can't recommend it enough.


Direct deposit can be split among accounts and even banks.

I can easily see not checking a savings account with one place every paycheck.
 
2021-01-28 10:41:14 AM  
take her cards, return what you can, use that money to hire a divorce attorney.   hopefully you don't have kids and the debt actually gets divided evenly in the divorce.
 
2021-01-28 11:51:20 AM  

Smackledorfer: MoriartyLives: The Erstwhile Mrs. Moriarty has the same issues and I divorced her in 2017.

Life is so much better now that it defies words.  I can't recommend it enough.

Direct deposit can be split among accounts and even banks.

I can easily see not checking a savings account with one place every paycheck.


When I login on the bank app/website I see an overview of all my accounts with the bank and the money in it.

He might be splitting it among different banks, but that doesn't mean he shouldn't check the account every once in a while. It is as easy as tapping the icon and hitting the fingerprint scanner/typing the code.
 
2021-01-28 3:37:57 PM  

DerAppie: Smackledorfer: MoriartyLives: The Erstwhile Mrs. Moriarty has the same issues and I divorced her in 2017.

Life is so much better now that it defies words.  I can't recommend it enough.

Direct deposit can be split among accounts and even banks.

I can easily see not checking a savings account with one place every paycheck.

When I login on the bank app/website I see an overview of all my accounts with the bank and the money in it.

He might be splitting it among different banks, but that doesn't mean he shouldn't check the account every once in a while. It is as easy as tapping the icon and hitting the fingerprint scanner/typing the code.


I never claimed it was at all difficult to monitor one's bank accounts.
 
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