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(The Root)   Somebody REALLY likes Red Lobster. Must be the Cheddar Bay Biscuits   (verysmartbrothas.theroot.com) divider line
    More: Spiffy, Red Lobster, Kimora Lee Simmons, Lobster, Crustacean, Olive Garden, Orlando, Florida, Profanity, Arthropod  
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936 clicks; posted to Food » on 23 Jan 2021 at 2:24 PM (11 weeks ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook



58 Comments     (+0 »)
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2021-01-23 10:48:13 AM  
That's some funny shiate, that is.
 
2021-01-23 10:56:05 AM  
I'd cut grandma if she took a cheddar bay biscuit from me.
 
2021-01-23 11:02:15 AM  
I bught out all the cheddar bay biscuit mix from the store a few months ago, and put it in my store room because I'm not going through a pandemic without it.
 
2021-01-23 11:09:28 AM  

darkhorse23: I bught out all the cheddar bay biscuit mix from the store a few months ago, and put it in my store room because I'm not going through a pandemic without it.


You can make them without a mix.  I use this recipe and it is indistinguishable from the original:

https://damndelicious.net/2014/02/03/​r​ed-lobster-cheddar-bay-biscuits/

Damn, now I have to make cheddar biscuits to go with my quiche...
 
2021-01-23 11:12:56 AM  

darkhorse23: I'm not going through a pandemic without it.


Behold:

scontent-atl3-2.xx.fbcdn.netView Full Size


Fresh out of the oven.
 
2021-01-23 11:26:13 AM  
The menu itself is an amusement park. You want Parrot Isle Jumbo Coconut Shrimp with bacon-wrapped cheesecake? Fine. Do you even know where or what the fark a Parrot Isle is? No. An entire isle full of parrots sounds creepy, actually. But it doesn't matter, because Red Lobster wants you to cum first.

Art.
 
2021-01-23 11:42:16 AM  
They know, as well as I do, that it's diametrically impossible to have a bad experience there.

Having worked at Red Lobster for three years in my twenties, I was both the recipient and the purveyor of some truly bad experiences.
 
2021-01-23 11:53:07 AM  

aimtastic: They know, as well as I do, that it's diametrically impossible to have a bad experience there.

Having worked at Red Lobster for three years in my twenties, I was both the recipient and the purveyor of some truly bad experiences.


Yeah, I've def had some spoiled seafood at RL. And often the customer base makes for a pretty awful experience. But, being a Gen-Xer and remembering when Red Lobster was actually a kind of fancy experience in the seventies, I do admit to having a real soft spot for it.
 
2021-01-23 11:54:49 AM  

gilgigamesh: The menu itself is an amusement park. You want Parrot Isle Jumbo Coconut Shrimp with bacon-wrapped cheesecake? Fine. Do you even know where or what the fark a Parrot Isle is? No. An entire isle full of parrots sounds creepy, actually. But it doesn't matter, because Red Lobster wants you to cum first.

Art.


Absolute pure prose poetry.
 
2021-01-23 12:15:10 PM  
Damon is still young enough his body processes all that crap without complaint. Let's check back in 10-15 years.
 
2021-01-23 12:18:49 PM  

Benevolent Misanthrope: darkhorse23: I bught out all the cheddar bay biscuit mix from the store a few months ago, and put it in my store room because I'm not going through a pandemic without it.

You can make them without a mix.  I use this recipe and it is indistinguishable from the original:

https://damndelicious.net/2014/02/03/r​ed-lobster-cheddar-bay-biscuits/

Damn, now I have to make cheddar biscuits to go with my quiche...


Huh...I have everything but the buttermilk, dammit.
 
2021-01-23 12:23:42 PM  

meehaw: Yeah, I've def had some spoiled seafood at RL. And often the customer base makes for a pretty awful experience. But, being a Gen-Xer and remembering when Red Lobster was actually a kind of fancy experience in the seventies, I do admit to having a real soft spot for it.


Same here. Even after working there, I still crave it occasionally.
 
2021-01-23 12:28:23 PM  
When I was a kid I thought Colt 45 was the drink of sophisticated rich people because of the Billy Dee Williams commercials.   I thought of Red Lobster the same way.
 
2021-01-23 12:30:16 PM  
Chesapeake Bay Seafood House or GTFO.  YOU TOOK EVERYTHING FROM ME!!!!
 
2021-01-23 12:31:00 PM  

born_yesterday: Huh...I have everything but the buttermilk, dammit.


If you have Bisquick, follow the recipe on the box for drop biscuits adding some shredded cheddar, then brush with garlic butter when they're done. That's essentially what the actual Red Lobster recipe is, though the garlic "butter" they use is hard to recreate as it's a seasoning packet mixed with a vegetable oil product called "buttery sauce." The seasoning is easy to mimic, but that slightly thicker than melted butter consistency is hard to come by.

Once in a while, they would have an hour or two in the afternoon without someone working the bread station, so if I got seated a table and the leftover lunch bread was gone, I'd have to go in back and make it myself.
 
2021-01-23 12:39:52 PM  

born_yesterday: Benevolent Misanthrope: darkhorse23: I bught out all the cheddar bay biscuit mix from the store a few months ago, and put it in my store room because I'm not going through a pandemic without it.

You can make them without a mix.  I use this recipe and it is indistinguishable from the original:

https://damndelicious.net/2014/02/03/r​ed-lobster-cheddar-bay-biscuits/

Damn, now I have to make cheddar biscuits to go with my quiche...

Huh...I have everything but the buttermilk, dammit.


Use 3/4 cup sour cream or yogurt mixed with 1/4 cup of milk.  Or use milk and add a tablespoon of vinegar or lemon juice.
 
2021-01-23 12:45:39 PM  
Beautiful.

That said, aside from the biscuits, Red Lobster makes Applebee's look like the Outback Steakhouse.

And if you're not sure how to score that, probably let's not eat at a chain restaurant.
 
2021-01-23 12:50:20 PM  

aimtastic: They know, as well as I do, that it's diametrically impossible to have a bad experience there.

Having worked at Red Lobster for three years in my twenties, I was both the recipient and the purveyor of some truly bad experiences.


Oh, fark, yes. Every time I ate there it was some sort of failure, or multiple failures, on the part of the restaurant.

The last time a friend and I ate there, they actually tried to give us money as we were trying to pay because of how bad their service was that day.
 
2021-01-23 1:35:16 PM  
This was spectacular fun to read.

/seriously allergic to seafood, so I'm a red lobster virgin.
 
2021-01-23 2:03:04 PM  
The biscuits are good. Yet...Leviticus...

Fark user imageView Full Size
 
2021-01-23 2:35:08 PM  
I'd pick her up in my cocaine white Chevy Tahoe

*sprays tea out nose*
 
2021-01-23 2:35:17 PM  

Benevolent Misanthrope: darkhorse23: I bught out all the cheddar bay biscuit mix from the store a few months ago, and put it in my store room because I'm not going through a pandemic without it.

You can make them without a mix.  I use this recipe and it is indistinguishable from the original:

https://damndelicious.net/2014/02/03/r​ed-lobster-cheddar-bay-biscuits/

Damn, now I have to make cheddar biscuits to go with my quiche...


Nope, I know about that, but I'm old and lazy.
 
2021-01-23 2:56:41 PM  
I think I'll do red lobster at home for Valentines day. Steak, Lobster, Biscuits and a side salad.

aimtastic
garlic "butter" they use is hard to recreate as it's a seasoning packet mixed with a vegetable oil product called "buttery sauce."


I wonder if this popcorn oil might be the key there. It's a very buttery flavored oil...that with a bit of sazon seasoning and some real butter might work.
I think I might try it to saute shrimp this weekend.
Fark user imageView Full Size
 
2021-01-23 3:02:00 PM  
Red Lobster is the worst, saddest seafood restaurant there is, and I'm including Long John Silver.
 
2021-01-23 3:02:51 PM  

Megathuma: This was spectacular fun to read.

/seriously allergic to seafood, so I'm a red lobster virgin.


My roomie was issued a busted digestive system, so seafood makes him horribly ill. I haven't had much in the way of fish or other seafood in about 2 years and I miss it.

I had a lobster tail a few weeks ago because it was on special, and realized how much I miss seafood.

And sushi generally. And candied salmon. And smoked salmon. Basically, a series of preparations of salmon.

Like, if you want certain kinds of pastry and you have a sufficiently white breed, some butter and some jam, you can kind of fake it and sort of scratch the itch. Ain't nothing like that with seafood.

/ srsly, like 2 pounds of assorted smoked salmon
// right now
/// wannit :(
 
2021-01-23 3:07:27 PM  

born_yesterday: Chesapeake Bay Seafood House or GTFO.


Fark user imageView Full Size


Fark user imageView Full Size
 
2021-01-23 3:08:59 PM  
Thank Sub. That was the best thing I read all week, and maybe all month.
 
2021-01-23 3:09:20 PM  
Thanks even.
 
2021-01-23 3:13:27 PM  
I'll cut the author some slack because he grew up far from the ocean and doesn't know any better. He gets points for liking seafood instead of being scared of it.
 
2021-01-23 3:17:32 PM  
I can't even remember the last time I ate at red lobster. I did a job at one once and this backroom by the kitchen smelled like piss, and there were some uhhh memorable ummm "Vegetative Growth" is what I believe I wrote in the report.

No thank you.
 
2021-01-23 3:22:29 PM  

Fear the Clam: I'll cut the author some slack because he grew up far from the ocean and doesn't know any better. He gets points for liking seafood instead of being scared of it.


I hope he reads this and is grateful for your generosity of spirit.
 
2021-01-23 3:24:21 PM  
Fark user imageView Full Size
 
2021-01-23 3:29:09 PM  

aimtastic: born_yesterday: Huh...I have everything but the buttermilk, dammit.

If you have Bisquick, follow the recipe on the box for drop biscuits adding some shredded cheddar, then brush with garlic butter when they're done. That's essentially what the actual Red Lobster recipe is, though the garlic "butter" they use is hard to recreate as it's a seasoning packet mixed with a vegetable oil product called "buttery sauce." The seasoning is easy to mimic, but that slightly thicker than melted butter consistency is hard to come by.

Once in a while, they would have an hour or two in the afternoon without someone working the bread station, so if I got seated a table and the leftover lunch bread was gone, I'd have to go in back and make it myself.


I do not have Bisquick, but I will keep this in mind, thank you!

Benevolent Misanthrope: born_yesterday: Benevolent Misanthrope: darkhorse23: I bught out all the cheddar bay biscuit mix from the store a few months ago, and put it in my store room because I'm not going through a pandemic without it.

You can make them without a mix.  I use this recipe and it is indistinguishable from the original:

https://damndelicious.net/2014/02/03/r​ed-lobster-cheddar-bay-biscuits/

Damn, now I have to make cheddar biscuits to go with my quiche...

Huh...I have everything but the buttermilk, dammit.

Use 3/4 cup sour cream or yogurt mixed with 1/4 cup of milk.  Or use milk and add a tablespoon of vinegar or lemon juice.


These I has.  Thank you!
 
2021-01-23 3:41:35 PM  
"and it was lumped in with places that are legitimately trash, like the Olive Garden and Atlanta."

Oh that's funny right there.
 
2021-01-23 3:54:33 PM  
All this talk about seafood has me jonesing for the Jolly Roger Fish House in Port Clinton, OH.  I hope the 'rona hasn't forced it to go out of business.....
 
2021-01-23 3:59:23 PM  
Some years ago I fell for one their commercials and tried Red Lobster for the first time.  Let's just say the food served bore almost no resemblance to how it is portrayed in the ads...

As for the biscuits, they were so salty they were inedible.

I have never gone back.  Fool me once, yada, yada...
 
2021-01-23 4:02:18 PM  

born_yesterday: Benevolent Misanthrope: darkhorse23: I bught out all the cheddar bay biscuit mix from the store a few months ago, and put it in my store room because I'm not going through a pandemic without it.

You can make them without a mix.  I use this recipe and it is indistinguishable from the original:

https://damndelicious.net/2014/02/03/r​ed-lobster-cheddar-bay-biscuits/

Damn, now I have to make cheddar biscuits to go with my quiche...

Huh...I have everything but the buttermilk, dammit.


You should keep this as a staple. Among many uses it can be mixed with vinegar to keep cole slaw or potato salad from getting runny and still be tart.
Fark user imageView Full Size
 
2021-01-23 4:09:41 PM  
The closest Red Lobster to me is 121 miles away, in Connecticut, one of only two in New England, both in Connecticut. I can drive 5 minutes and be at the Atlantic Ocean, and that's why it doesn't work here.

In places like Cleveland or Pittsburgh, where Monty Burns' three-eyed fish looks like cioppino served fresh at Fisherman's Wharf compared to whatever the local catch is, I can see the purpose Red Lobster serves.

Also, this piece of writing needs to be submitted to the Pulitzer committee immediately.
 
2021-01-23 4:26:03 PM  
When I was a kid in the 70s, RL was an actual treat. Living in bumfark AR and MO, we didn't get to have "seafood", ever. My rich uncle would come in to town once or twice a year and take us to RL. Man, he bought 8 year old me a whole lobster once. Let me pick it out from the tank. I had no idea how to eat the damned thing!

Amazingly, the RL in town had the best bar for a couple of years back when you could smoke inside. I'd meet some friends and clients at about 3pm on a Friday and they had awesome drink specials and free biscuits. You would not believe how much I still miss a vodak tonic, a Marlboro red and some of those damned biscuits after about 4 of said vodaks.
 
2021-01-23 4:56:31 PM  
I haven't been to a Red Lobster in decades. If I didn't have to drive 30 - 50 min to get to one, I'd go.

Langostino Skrimp & Pasta. I would *kill* for some!
 
2021-01-23 5:04:10 PM  

optikeye: I wonder if this popcorn oil might be the key there. It's a very buttery flavored oil...that with a bit of sazon seasoning and some real butter might work.
I think I might try it to saute shrimp this weekend.


That's such a good idea! I might have to try that soon.
 
2021-01-23 5:17:23 PM  

Fear the Clam: I'll cut the author some slack because he grew up far from the ocean and doesn't know any better. He gets points for liking seafood instead of being scared of it.


I see what you did there, Fear the Clam.
 
2021-01-23 5:37:27 PM  

fasahd: born_yesterday: Benevolent Misanthrope: darkhorse23: I bught out all the cheddar bay biscuit mix from the store a few months ago, and put it in my store room because I'm not going through a pandemic without it.

You can make them without a mix.  I use this recipe and it is indistinguishable from the original:

https://damndelicious.net/2014/02/03/r​ed-lobster-cheddar-bay-biscuits/

Damn, now I have to make cheddar biscuits to go with my quiche...

Huh...I have everything but the buttermilk, dammit.

You should keep this as a staple. Among many uses it can be mixed with vinegar to keep cole slaw or potato salad from getting runny and still be tart.
[Fark user image 170x170]


Huh.  I've literally never seen that before.  My parents never used it.  You may have introduced a new pantry staple to the _yesterday household.
 
2021-01-23 5:46:24 PM  

fasahd: born_yesterday: Benevolent Misanthrope: darkhorse23: I bught out all the cheddar bay biscuit mix from the store a few months ago, and put it in my store room because I'm not going through a pandemic without it.

You can make them without a mix.  I use this recipe and it is indistinguishable from the original:

https://damndelicious.net/2014/02/03/r​ed-lobster-cheddar-bay-biscuits/

Damn, now I have to make cheddar biscuits to go with my quiche...

Huh...I have everything but the buttermilk, dammit.

You should keep this as a staple. Among many uses it can be mixed with vinegar to keep cole slaw or potato salad from getting runny and still be tart.
[Fark user image 170x170]



One thing about that product is that it really really loves to suck moisture out of the air and turn into a brick.
Store it in the freezer in bag...or put it in smaller airtight glass jars.
 
2021-01-23 6:10:10 PM  

RandomAxe: Beautiful.

That said, aside from the biscuits, Red Lobster makes Applebee's look like the Outback Steakhouse.

And if you're not sure how to score that, probably let's not eat at a chain restaurant.


I honestly don't know how to score that. Never been to any of them.
 
2021-01-23 6:18:53 PM  
I have two RL stories.

1. We went to Disneyland years ago, taking the 7-year-old for her first time. We didn't know any restaurants in the area, so when we saw a RL (which we had never been to before but knew from commercials), we went there. Waitress asked the kid what side she wanted and she chose broccoli. We had to have a "discussion" with the woman because she refused to believe our child wanted broccoli. We didn't want to go into the whole reason why (kid can't stomach fat so french fries were out - we didn't know yet it was because she has Cystic Fibrosis, two more years to diagnosis) and that's when said child piped up, "I'm a weird kid. I like broccoli, it's yummy." We all laughed and waitress finally agreed.

2. Child is now grown and married and her husband has a serious crab addiction. RL decided one year to try to commit suicide and offered "All you can eat CRAB LEGS". So her and SIL drag us to RL in like, Cupertino or some weird place, and WE EAT 50 SERVINGS OF CRAB LEGS JUST THE FOUR OF US!!! IT WAS THE GREATEST NIGHT EVER!!! We had to be rolled out of the place and we weren't the only ones. The woman who approved the "promotion" was fired. Only shrimp are all you can eat now.
 
2021-01-23 8:25:51 PM  

optikeye: I think I'll do red lobster at home for Valentines day. Steak, Lobster, Biscuits and a side salad.

aimtastic
garlic "butter" they use is hard to recreate as it's a seasoning packet mixed with a vegetable oil product called "buttery sauce."

I wonder if this popcorn oil might be the key there. It's a very buttery flavored oil...that with a bit of sazon seasoning and some real butter might work.
I think I might try it to saute shrimp this weekend.
[Fark user image image 850x1062]


LOL!! I was just thinking the same thing!

I've never used the oil as a topping, just as popping oil. Bet it would be great with shrimp.

And I put flavacol in my pasta cooking water...
 
2021-01-23 8:29:51 PM  

GRCooper: born_yesterday: Chesapeake Bay Seafood House or GTFO.

[Fark user image 260x194]

[Fark user image 425x256]


How old is that menu? all you can eat for 3.99? Nothing says love like a buffet of death.
 
2021-01-23 8:34:11 PM  

Sub Human: GRCooper: born_yesterday: Chesapeake Bay Seafood House or GTFO.

[Fark user image 260x194]

[Fark user image 425x256]

How old is that menu? all you can eat for 3.99? Nothing says love like a buffet of death.


That's from probably around 1980. That place was awesome.
 
2021-01-24 5:33:11 AM  

North_Central_Positronics: I'd cut grandma if she took a cheddar bay biscuit from me.


hells, I'd punch a baby for one!!! (Narrator: no, really, this actually happened!)

fortunately, I have plenty o' boxen of buttermilk pancake mix, and bisquick, etc.

rosemary, minced garlic, shredded mild cheddar, butter, and Bob's your mother's sister.
 
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