Do you have adblock enabled?
If you can read this, either the style sheet didn't load or you have an older browser that doesn't support style sheets. Try clearing your browser cache and refreshing the page.

(NYPost)   Woman Falls On Ass at Church, sues for $4 million, settles for $80,000. God very proud   ( divider line
    More: Asinine  
•       •       •

7079 clicks; posted to Main » on 05 Feb 2002 at 4:49 PM (16 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»

73 Comments     (+0 »)

Oldest | « | 1 | 2 | » | Newest | Show all

2002-02-05 04:51:44 PM  
Man, what church can afford $80 000?
2002-02-05 04:53:33 PM  
"She was caused to fall by the Holy Spirit, but, unfortunately, there was no one there to catch her when she fell,"

Heh, God hates her. "Get the hell out of my house!"
2002-02-05 04:53:50 PM  
Lawyers don't sue people. People sue people.
2002-02-05 04:54:40 PM  
What a ridiculously misleading headline. It's not even misleading to any particular end.
2002-02-05 04:55:16 PM  
There is just way to much here to make fun of... **brain hurts** quick somebody heal me! Also I wonder if you can bless someone by kicking them in the nuts?
2002-02-05 04:55:28 PM  
Maybe God should send a group of 5 Godly-endowed dudes to anally plunder this hypocrite biatch.
2002-02-05 04:55:59 PM  
So much wrong in such a small article. I like that God asked her not to comment.

God: Let's just keep this one between you an' me, huh? I don't want every farking human out there looking for a handout.
2002-02-05 04:56:23 PM  
good thing god is not short on cash
2002-02-05 04:58:41 PM  
what's so misleading about it?
2002-02-05 04:58:51 PM  
God told her not to speak. Good to see god paying attention where he can do the most good.

Somewhere, there is a kidnap victim that just finished praying "please, god, don't let that be a meathook".

Religion is awesome.
2002-02-05 04:59:51 PM  
Rebrane - The headline seems accurate.
2002-02-05 05:01:11 PM  
The Upper Room Tabernacle is a few miles from my house. It is this mega-huge non-denominational church. The church was really big, and then they attached this giant metal shed to the side of it that is like 5 times bigger than the original structure.

This lady really has to free her body-thetans....
2002-02-05 05:05:05 PM  
[image from too old to be available]
2002-02-05 05:06:45 PM  
People are so farking stupid.

They disgrace America. I am seriously ashamed to live in the same country that these morons occupy.

The lawyer explained his client had "a religious moment - God told her not to speak about the case. If God told her not to speak, she's not going to violate that," Siben said.

Pathetic.. Just pathetic. Pathetic for 2 reasons.

First, this lady feels $80,000 of the Church's money is better spent on her than the church itself. If she wants to dig gold, she might have better luck further west than Long Island. Then again, after seeing the settlement of this case.. maybe not.

Secondly, using God and messages from God as a means of avoidance to provide necessary information is ludicrous.

Also, if God talked to this biatch, couldn't he have also cured her injuries without surgery? Or is that perhaps beyond his ability?

It is for this reason that I have come to the conclusion that most people suck.

And just to go along with this dumbasses story:

"She was caused to fall by the Holy Spirit, but, unfortunately, there was no one there to catch her when she fell,"

Funny how the "holy spirit" doesn't mind pushing her fat ass over, but he won't go as far as letting her fall safely, without breaking her arm.
2002-02-05 05:07:41 PM  
Pastor - "In the name of the Lord, BE HEALED!"
*pushes woman's forehead*
*loud crack as woman's arm breaks and head bounces off the floor*
Pastor - "The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away..."
2002-02-05 05:08:50 PM  
Two points.

1. What the hell ever happened to forgiveness? She should have forgiven the church for unintentionally causing her distress. So you broke your arm, you unbalanced old biddy. Get over it.

2. $4 million dollars? For a broken arm? Holy crap! For the love of money is the root of all evil.

Lady, you are evil.
2002-02-05 05:09:16 PM  
i guess its quite easy to make $ in america then. I can just walk around, fall infront of someones house and sue them. Horay
2002-02-05 05:10:12 PM  
Article forgot to mention that the church will pay off that award by giving her a collections basket and let the old lady walk down the isles.

Jesus loves me this I know, cause the Lawyers tell me so.....
2002-02-05 05:11:09 PM  
Clearly her injuries are part of the magic sky wizard's Ultimate Plan. She should not question the injuries, nor sue for compensation. Forsooth, his mighty Bearded Old White Man-ness hath proclaimed that it is necessary for her to suffer until Armegeddon. By receiving any treatment for her injuries, she goes against Super Cloud Man's wishes, and Satan (and the terrorists) will win.
2002-02-05 05:13:08 PM  
So let me get this straight...some 65 year old woman falls in a church as is awarded 80 grand while Jesus has a couple of nails shoved through his wrists and feet and all he gets is a couple of stale crackers, the sins of the world, and a three day weekend? He should have held out for a better lawyer.
2002-02-05 05:15:21 PM  
SLAYERSWINE: i see your slayer and raise you a
2002-02-05 05:15:48 PM  
oops, hehehe

[image from too old to be available]
2002-02-05 05:16:33 PM  
I heard that also part of the settlement was that when she dies, on her death bed, she would achieve total consciousness. so she's got that going for her, which is nice...

2002-02-05 05:17:49 PM  
Boomslang and Katnine11:

The settlement from the insurance company for the house of worship "represents a very fair and just sum for a substantial injury," Siben said.

The church's insurance paid for it, so in a sense, all those that have the same insurance paid for it.
2002-02-05 05:26:36 PM  
The woman, Sophia Reitan, proclaimed, "God loves me," when notified of the cash award in her personal injury case.

I think your LAWYER loves you.
2002-02-05 05:27:19 PM  
"The settlement from the insurance company for the house of worship "represents a very fair and just sum for a substantial injury," Siben said."

Yet they sued for $4M. Hm...

It's a legal system, not a justice system. There's a difference.
2002-02-05 05:28:08 PM  
Thanks for clearing that up. Still, the fact that other people using that insurance company are paying people that file such ludicrous lawsuits bothers me just as much.

Thanks tho. I stand corrected.
2002-02-05 05:28:18 PM  
Ahhh, the pentacostals, where the music is so loud, even Metallica is jealous.
2002-02-05 05:29:36 PM  
Pentecostals...about as bad as the fundies. Ain't those the holy-rollers?
2002-02-05 05:33:21 PM  

I agree, it upsets me that my rates go up for shiat like that. Not to mention all the dumbass drivers out there--the guy who left the truck running with his dog in it--comes to mind.
2002-02-05 05:35:44 PM  
After pushing her over, the Holy Spirit was quoted thusly:

I'll f*** you 'til you love me!
2002-02-05 05:35:45 PM  
And if you follow the link to, you get to see this:

[image from too old to be available]
2002-02-05 05:43:22 PM  
"i guess its quite easy to make $ in america then. I can just walk around, fall infront of someones house and sue them. Horay"

Yeah, sad but true. Lawyers are not racist, they sue everyone.
2002-02-05 05:45:48 PM  
You Christians and your funny rituals. You make me laugh.
2002-02-05 05:45:50 PM  
Siben said it was routine for worshipers to be pushed or to fall during services

That's one farked up church, sure as hell doesn't go on around here. I thought churches were to be a place of peace, harmony, and preaching too. It's not supposed to be like high school gym class.
2002-02-05 05:47:13 PM  
Bahhh...this upset me so much I fell over, hit my head and lost my sense of humour. Where's my lawyer? Damn, that legal system sucks donkeys...
2002-02-05 05:48:09 PM  
Huzzah for America!!
2002-02-05 05:52:47 PM  
Miles_OToole - i myself was thinking the same thing LOL
2002-02-05 05:56:15 PM  
Pentacostals ARE fundamentalists, so fundy that they believe those passages about handling poisonous animals and speaking in tongues. The only difference between them and other fundies is that they believe the rolling in the floors madness is necessary, and the others think it's optional.
2002-02-05 06:05:58 PM  
2002-02-05 06:06:44 PM  
Now that is a good idea.

There must be 750 churches in the area I live (Not enough brains and too much faith around here, I suppose)If I go to each one and "accidentaly" slip and hurt myself, I could be rolling in the dough and no caring, thinking beings would be harmed in any way (except for me if I slip the wrong way). What a wonderful way to make money.

Look for me falling in a church near you....
2002-02-05 06:11:38 PM  
client had "a religious moment - God told her not to speak about the case."

God then told her to drink acid and die. "You are too stupid to live," says God, "and your big fat church-sueing ass is going straight to hell."

When pressed, God said that he has a special hell planned for her lawyer. "Hoooyah, Boy and howdy," said God. "But that's all I can comment on that right now."
2002-02-05 06:12:24 PM  
this church definitely has the $$... their building is a huge warehouse. you'll be driving through a totally residential area and suddenly there's this thing as big as an airplane hanger. it's pretty surreal.
2002-02-05 06:19:21 PM  
people on Long Island are also totally litigious. i'm not at all surprised that even this devoutee would sue. at least she didn't sue God - which is ironic since it was his fault anyway.
2002-02-05 06:25:42 PM  
Reitan's court papers claimed the church should have provided "safety devices . . . including ropes or cushioning" to catch the falling worshipers.

What I want to know is, why didn't God cushion her fall? I think God WANTED her to die, but her BIG FAT A S S cushioned the blow. Although a "rope" to cushion the fall would have been pretty funny, too...
2002-02-05 06:35:59 PM  
God told her to take the 5th? What kind of crappy south of the border law school did he go to? But you gotta remember, he couldn't even get his own kid off on a bum rap.
2002-02-05 06:41:49 PM  
Can I sue the mormons for telling me masturbation is wrong and causing emotional distress from fear of going to hell every morning in the shower?
2002-02-05 06:44:47 PM  
The key to the lawsuit is that he pushed her forhead. You push an old lady down and she gets hurt, you are going to pay even if it is tradition in your church. That is where they became liable.
2002-02-05 06:46:50 PM  
Pesce: She didn't take the 5th. She refused to comment after the case was over, not during the trial. If she had refuses to testify in the trial there would have been no case. After a trial is over anyone can refuse to talk about it for any reason, even if it is stupid.
2002-02-05 07:06:32 PM  
Good one, God!
Displayed 50 of 73 comments

Oldest | « | 1 | 2 | » | Newest | Show all

This thread is archived, and closed to new comments.

Continue Farking

On Twitter

Top Commented
Javascript is required to view headlines in widget.
  1. Links are submitted by members of the Fark community.

  2. When community members submit a link, they also write a custom headline for the story.

  3. Other Farkers comment on the links. This is the number of comments. Click here to read them.

  4. Click here to submit a link.