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(YouTube)   I wrote this song. May I get an opinion from you?   (youtube.com) divider line
    More: Plug  
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153 clicks; posted to Discussion » on 18 Jan 2021 at 9:50 AM (12 weeks ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook



24 Comments     (+0 »)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest
 
2021-01-18 7:24:32 AM  
Dude.
Awesome.

Now stop spying on me
 
2021-01-18 10:01:23 AM  
An opinion?  Avoid penile implants.
 
2021-01-18 10:01:32 AM  
I laughed, I cried, it was better than CATS!  If there's one word to describe that song, it's "Wow."
 
2021-01-18 10:02:11 AM  

Dr.Fey: An opinion?  Avoid penile implants.


Oh, yeah -- that opinion is better than mine.  For sure, that's the best opinion you're likely to get today.  Maybe ever.
 
2021-01-18 10:21:09 AM  
Very nice lyrics.

That plays out way, way, way more often than people know.
 
2021-01-18 10:32:44 AM  
The words are meaningful to you, and that's great.

To, me, it's a slow plodding story expressed in a sing songy repetitive manner, without much vocal range, or musical interest or variation.  There's too much emphasis on the rhyming, which kind of dumbs it down too much for my preference.

I'm not saying the lyrics couldn't work.  Elton John did wonderful things with the lyrics handed to him.  I can almost see your lyrics working in a Dire Straights kind of deal, they can do a long story song as well as anyone, as evidenced by Brothers in Arms.

I kind of hate it, but that's alright.  I love a lot of music, I hate a lot of music.  Keep working at your craft, develop it in a way that feels right to you, and maybe you'll find an audience that loves it as well.
 
2021-01-18 10:40:33 AM  
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2021-01-18 10:41:53 AM  
Raisins are disgusting, especially in oatmeal cookies.
 
2021-01-18 10:47:26 AM  
Thanks for the feedback. Heck, it's only my third song ever. Yes, I'm sure I will find little quirks in all I do. I'm an old man and my songs are tales of life. This is a hobby and I thought I would throw it out for an opinion. I write the lyrics and melody then throw it out on Fiverr for a composer. It's all for fun during lockdown. Thanks again.
 
2021-01-18 11:03:08 AM  

Pugdaddyk: Thanks for the feedback. Heck, it's only my third song ever. Yes, I'm sure I will find little quirks in all I do. I'm an old man and my songs are tales of life. This is a hobby and I thought I would throw it out for an opinion. I write the lyrics and melody then throw it out on Fiverr for a composer. It's all for fun during lockdown. Thanks again.


If not for the pandemic, I'd suggest an open mic night.  I used to go to in the back of a little ice cream parlor.  A huge range of talents; covers, and new material.  At times, the more talented folks would just join in with backing vocals/guitar riffs/rhythm and they were surprisingly competent at it.
 
2021-01-18 11:24:39 AM  
Pugdaddyk

Hey man, cool tune. Well done. Spot on!

Like you I too am I'm an old man and my songs are tales of life. This is a hobby that go out of control and have over 500 home-made songs like the one you posted. I love the tails of underground/independent artists as yourself. It's a total blessing that we can continue our musical journeys and share them on the Internet.

Bravo sir, well done. Spot on production and everything sounded great through my speakers.
Keep up the good work!
 
2021-01-18 11:30:25 AM  

Ker_Thwap: At times, the more talented folks would just join in with backing vocals/guitar riffs/rhythm and they were surprisingly competent at it.


Oh that's the best, an impromptu little open mic night with competent musicians. I used to be the house bassist at one of those and let me tell you looks can be deceiving. One dude dressed in a shirt and tie. slacks, business like, jumps up with his guitar and out of nowhere just wails. He could've melted the strings he played so well. Song was over, he jumps off the stage, and disappears. It was the weirdest thing. I found more often than not a good local jam session with open mic cats is pretty darn cool. I miss it.

There are however times when the not-so competent guy gets up there too. But I say "A" for effort.
 
2021-01-18 12:13:59 PM  

steklo: Pugdaddyk

Hey man, cool tune. Well done. Spot on!

Like you I too am I'm an old man and my songs are tales of life. This is a hobby that go out of control and have over 500 home-made songs like the one you posted. I love the tails of underground/independent artists as yourself. It's a total blessing that we can continue our musical journeys and share them on the Internet.

Bravo sir, well done. Spot on production and everything sounded great through my speakers.
Keep up the good work!


Appreciate your comment. I have been learning guitar during lockdown. Not an easy task. Good meditation though. Happy journeys.
 
2021-01-18 12:16:37 PM  

Ker_Thwap: Pugdaddyk: Thanks for the feedback. Heck, it's only my third song ever. Yes, I'm sure I will find little quirks in all I do. I'm an old man and my songs are tales of life. This is a hobby and I thought I would throw it out for an opinion. I write the lyrics and melody then throw it out on Fiverr for a composer. It's all for fun during lockdown. Thanks again.

If not for the pandemic, I'd suggest an open mic night.  I used to go to in the back of a little ice cream parlor.  A huge range of talents; covers, and new material.  At times, the more talented folks would just join in with backing vocals/guitar riffs/rhythm and they were surprisingly competent at it.


Great thought. I  was thinking a little acoustic guitar playing at the local restaurant. Rural Germany doesn't give much in the way of forums. Big cities maybe. My skill level is pretty much the spare room playing for my wife.
 
2021-01-18 12:46:44 PM  
 Trying to be constructive here, not bringing you down. I admire anyone that attempts to make original songs.  That said, here's what I hear, from the heart, take it or leave it:

The glassy synth pads behind the vocals are too monotonous; I'd drop those after a short intro.

You need more complex, more interesting percussion.

The key you chose might be what's in your range, but it's not aurally exciting, not without adding thirds and fifths above and/or below.

The verse, verse, chorus pattern needs a pre-chorus in there to break things up.

Lyrically, the pace is slow; draggy, even. it makes me wanna skip forward to get to the point because the setup's too long. Faster tempo might help, up to a point. But re-writing the lyrics while keeping their story is probably the best thing you could do here.  I think you could tighten up the story a lot, collapsing the action into fewer verses, alternating between an omniscient narrator and the actual characters speaking for themselves.  Letting the characters do the talking is almost always better than only narrating what they do. You're switching from passive voice to active.  Think about how that works in a song like "Living On A  Prayer". Disregard the tempo and everything else for this example but hear the narrator there: That narrator is not talking about their past, but their ever-changing present.  You can have your characters  talk in the lyrics  and then the narrator just comments on it to put a "button" on it and explain anything the dialog misses.

The harmony parts in the choruses are really not working for me. They might be off pitch a little, and they aren't stratified enough.  You might try throwing some descants in there, or having a separate melody line in a harmony key to thread thru that, to give it more texture.

The vocals could all be a bit more forcefully voiced. They sound tentative, when I think you really mean for them to sound sympathetic. Try it in a more live room, or adjust the reverb settings, and instead of near-whispering it, try belting it out, Bruce Springsteen-like, like you just don't give a fark, just to find what your top end is like... then back off a little to find some happy medium. If you believe in the words, blast them out into the space, is my attitude.

Also, I think a song of this type benefits from authentic instrumentation recorded acoustically. I get a strong vibe from this demo that it's all synth-based. Which is cool if that's all you have or can do. But I think augmenting it with real string instruments, piano, would help.

It's a demo: they rarely end up sounding the same in the final production.

I think you have the foundations of a good tune here but it needs editing, revisions, development.
 
2021-01-18 1:43:40 PM  

Any Pie Left: Trying to be constructive here, not bringing you down. I admire anyone that attempts to make original songs.  That said, here's what I hear, from the heart, take it or leave it:

The glassy synth pads behind the vocals are too monotonous; I'd drop those after a short intro.

You need more complex, more interesting percussion.

The key you chose might be what's in your range, but it's not aurally exciting, not without adding thirds and fifths above and/or below.

The verse, verse, chorus pattern needs a pre-chorus in there to break things up.

Lyrically, the pace is slow; draggy, even. it makes me wanna skip forward to get to the point because the setup's too long. Faster tempo might help, up to a point. But re-writing the lyrics while keeping their story is probably the best thing you could do here.  I think you could tighten up the story a lot, collapsing the action into fewer verses, alternating between an omniscient narrator and the actual characters speaking for themselves.  Letting the characters do the talking is almost always better than only narrating what they do. You're switching from passive voice to active.  Think about how that works in a song like "Living On A  Prayer". Disregard the tempo and everything else for this example but hear the narrator there: That narrator is not talking about their past, but their ever-changing present.  You can have your characters  talk in the lyrics  and then the narrator just comments on it to put a "button" on it and explain anything the dialog misses.

The harmony parts in the choruses are really not working for me. They might be off pitch a little, and they aren't stratified enough.  You might try throwing some descants in there, or having a separate melody line in a harmony key to thread thru that, to give it more texture.

The vocals could all be a bit more forcefully voiced. They sound tentative, when I think you really mean for them to sound sympathetic. Try it in a more live room, or adjust the reverb settings, and instead of near-whispering it, try belting it out, Bruce Springsteen-like, like you just don't give a fark, just to find what your top end is like... then back off a little to find some happy medium. If you believe in the words, blast them out into the space, is my attitude.

Also, I think a song of this type benefits from authentic instrumentation recorded acoustically. I get a strong vibe from this demo that it's all synth-based. Which is cool if that's all you have or can do. But I think augmenting it with real string instruments, piano, would help.

It's a demo: they rarely end up sounding the same in the final production.

I think you have the foundations of a good tune here but it needs editing, revisions, development.


No offense at all, I think your advice is sound....no pun.
If I  take this song, along with your advice, and ship it off to a composer/mixer...would he or she make this a credible song (aside from their experience that is) based on your recommendations? Just a thought.
As I mentioned, I wrote the lyrics and melody. I then sent it to a guy in the UK. He created the music and vocals. I am only a hobby song scratcher outer, so what you say is a tiny bit over my head but I do get your direction.  I appreciate it. Really.
 
2021-01-18 1:54:19 PM  
after 42 seconds I wanted to slit my throat. sorry to say many songs are very simple in their lyric, very sparse, and full of repitition. because people can accept a song easily in that format, and sing along with it. it's an old formular with the main part and the chorus. you know what i'm speaking of. ever see the movie "National Lampoon's Animal House"?. There's a scene where a frat boy is serenading a girl or two on a staircase, and a character 'Blutarski' comes along and smashes the singers guitar to bits. say no more.
 
2021-01-18 2:33:04 PM  
If I  take this song, along with your advice, and ship it off to a composer/mixer...would he or she make this a credible song (aside from their experience that is) based on your recommendations? Just a thought.
As I mentioned, I wrote the lyrics and melody. I then sent it to a guy in the UK. He created the music and vocals. I am only a hobby song scratcher outer, so what you say is a tiny bit over my head but I do get your direction.  I appreciate it. Really.


Well, this would be better if you did it all yourself, I'm thinking.  But there's more than one way to work in this business. I'm an amateur musician but reading music and tabs is hard for me.  I'm a vocalist first, and an accompanist second. I do think I'm pretty good at mixing and producing, considering I'm self-taught. And i had a career in radio for a time, which gave me a critical ear.  I think the re-working of the lyrics along the lines I mentioned is your first step.  Consider reciting your lyrics while listening to a pre-recorded drum track; you can get those free online or off youtube. Feel how your choice of meter fits up against a beat.   If the re-worked lyrics force a little change in the tune, don't get hung up on it. I'm not sure the guy you sent this to is your best choice, either.  Try some people on Fivr, if your budget is low.
 
2021-01-18 2:42:03 PM  
Eddie and the Cruisers - On the Dark Side - Words and Music 1983
Youtube 2ClttysJRV8
 
2021-01-18 4:16:38 PM  
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2021-01-18 8:40:34 PM  

steklo: Ker_Thwap: At times, the more talented folks would just join in with backing vocals/guitar riffs/rhythm and they were surprisingly competent at it.

Oh that's the best, an impromptu little open mic night with competent musicians. I used to be the house bassist at one of those and let me tell you looks can be deceiving. One dude dressed in a shirt and tie. slacks, business like, jumps up with his guitar and out of nowhere just wails. He could've melted the strings he played so well. Song was over, he jumps off the stage, and disappears. It was the weirdest thing. I found more often than not a good local jam session with open mic cats is pretty darn cool. I miss it.

There are however times when the not-so competent guy gets up there too. But I say "A" for effort.


We have a local weekly open Mic on Sunday evenings - or we will again once the plague lifts. Everybody brings their "A" game. It's not really a matter of chopping heads but, by God, you best honor everyone else's efforts with your best.
 
2021-01-18 9:12:59 PM  

Pugdaddyk: Thanks for the feedback. Heck, it's only my third song ever. Yes, I'm sure I will find little quirks in all I do. I'm an old man and my songs are tales of life. This is a hobby and I thought I would throw it out for an opinion. I write the lyrics and melody then throw it out on Fiverr for a composer. It's all for fun during lockdown. Thanks again.


I liked it, and you deserve a lot of credit for writing it and for putting it out there. I suspect some of the critics have never even tried to create a song.

Well done. Keep it up!
 
2021-01-18 11:50:56 PM  
Well, "In a Gadda Da Vida" it ain't...but what do I know?

Basically, my tastes are more for upbeat music and lyrics, only because I'm already depressed, and don't need anything to bring me down more so. So, I can't really judge the song on it's merits, any more than I could judge a rap song. Just not my cuppa tea, love!

The real question is... are YOU happy with it? If you are, then no critique will hurt your feelings. Adjustments may be made if you intend it to be played on the radio (most songs are 3.5 minutes long for a reason). If you are NOT happy with it, any outside opinion will probably hurt. Make the changes that satisfy YOU. A successful artist pleases himself, then his audience, then the critics... in THAT order.

If you wonder why the critics should  be pleased, it is only because they are free advertising. However, seeing the dreck that they like, and all the good songs that they don't, pleasing the critics is strictly optional. Pleasing the audience is not. But, if you only intend for the songs to be for you and your honey, you should be good to go.

A sample of what I like, and this is the slowest tempo that I would accept:
Johnny Nash - I Can See Clearly Now
Youtube NkwJ-g0iJ6w
 
2021-01-19 2:29:18 AM  
The latest one I did was by far the hardest. I created a not so unique chord progression and had a heck of a time getting a melody to come together. Still working with the guy on Fiverr, we came up with what I was thinking about.
I'm strictly doing this for fun. I threw it out here for both inspiration and criticism.
I am also a photographer and my perspective does not always create a  "wow" factor, but I share because maybe one person might just be inspired enough to create something special in their lives too. I've only completed 9 songs in 4 months. Each has a back story that comes from a dark place. The creative process is therapeutic and the end result is satisfactory for me.
Thank you to those of you who took the time to listen and comment. Good and bad make up this world. I don't need perfection to be content. Pleasing every individual in not possible.
Stay safe and healthy, everyone. Thanks again.
 
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