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(Vulture)   Stupid times call for stupid jokes. What's yours?   (vulture.com) divider line
    More: Amusing, Comedy, Sketch comedy, Saturday Night Live, political comedy, hot dog car sketch, Tim Robinson, Trump politicians, hit sketch show  
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219 clicks; posted to Discussion » on 15 Jan 2021 at 5:55 PM (12 weeks ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook



37 Comments     (+0 »)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest
 
2021-01-15 4:44:20 PM  
"Toast isn't just a "cut and dry" thing. On the upside, it's buttered. On the downside, it's not."
 
2021-01-15 5:34:24 PM  
A priest, an imam, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank. The rabbit says, "I think I'm a type-O."
 
2021-01-15 5:57:36 PM  
...
...
...
...aaarrgh it's drivin me nuts!
 
2021-01-15 5:58:52 PM  
Q: What's brown and sticky?

A: A stick.
 
2021-01-15 5:59:58 PM  
What did the fish say when it swam into a concrete wall?

Dam!
 
2021-01-15 6:03:46 PM  
What's red and bad for your teeth?

A brick!
 
2021-01-15 6:05:12 PM  
I tried to come up with a carpentry pun. I thought I nailed it but nobody saw it.
 
2021-01-15 6:05:51 PM  
Where did the general put his armies?

In his sleevies.
 
2021-01-15 6:05:57 PM  
What do you do with an elephant with three balls?
....
....
....
Walk him, and pitch to the rhino.
 
2021-01-15 6:08:23 PM  
Why did God/Darwin make your butt crack vertical instead of horizontal?

So that when you went down a slide, you wouldn't go thpthplthptlpthlthpth
 
2021-01-15 6:11:22 PM  

Squid_for_Brains: Why did God/Darwin make your butt crack vertical instead of horizontal?

So that when you went down a slide, you wouldn't go thpthplthptlpthlthpth


Wait, you mean yours is vertical?
 
2021-01-15 6:13:38 PM  
Whats the cheapest cut of venison?
The testicles. They are two just under a buck.
 
2021-01-15 6:25:13 PM  
KFC's CEO calls up the Pope. "Your Holiness, we are prepared to offer $50 Million dollars if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'Our Daily Bread' to 'Our Daily Chicken.'"

"This I cannot do, my Son. The Lord's Prayer has such tradition."

"$100 million."

"No, I cannot, my Son."

"Five. Billion. Dollars."

The Pope is struck silent, but only for a moment.

"The Church could do many good works with such an offer. But I must consult with the cardinals. Call me next Wednesday."

The following Monday, the Pope meets with cardinals from around the world.

"Friends and brethren", he says. "We stand to make an unprecedented sum from this partnership with the Kentucky Fried Chicken company. But holy shiat, the Wonder Bread people are gonna be pissed!"
 
BBH
2021-01-15 6:28:11 PM  
I just finished reading "Great Expectations", I was disappointed.

I just finished reading "Catcher in the Rye", there was no mention of a drunk baseball player.
 
2021-01-15 6:40:42 PM  
My go to joke back in the day was actually a physical gag. Tear up a small bit of tissue and discreetly hold it in your hand and ask "How can you tell if someone has been having oral sex with a chicken?" Raise your hand with the tissue bits to your nose, fake a sneeze and blow the tissue bits toward the person you were joking with.
 
2021-01-15 6:41:39 PM  
The girl who sits at the centre line of the tennis court? That's Annette...
 
2021-01-15 6:42:41 PM  
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?

A stick.
 
2021-01-15 6:43:57 PM  

Uranus: The girl who sits at the centre line of the tennis court? That's Annette...


The girl in your backyard? Patti O'Furniture!
 
2021-01-15 7:02:56 PM  
Hear about the fire at the pet food plant?

It was a dog gone catastrophe!
 
2021-01-15 7:34:54 PM  

Thosw: Q: What's brown and sticky?

A: A stick.


What's green and sticky?
...
...
A green stick.

What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
...
...
Dr. Dre.
 
2021-01-15 7:38:29 PM  
Knock, knock
...Who's there?
Interrupting cow
...Inter-
Moo!

Better told than written
 
2021-01-15 8:12:01 PM  
I met an attractive ventriloquist at the bar last night.  She told me I was really handsome but I don't know if it was her or the beer talking.
 
2021-01-15 8:25:49 PM  
"I see", said the blind carpenter as he picked up his hammer and saw.
 
2021-01-15 8:30:17 PM  

SquareBear73: Uranus: The girl who sits at the centre line of the tennis court? That's Annette...

The girl in your backyard? Patti O'Furniture!


I've always heard that one as what's Irish and comes out in the Spring:  Paddy O'Furniture.  It's right up there with what's brown and hangs around in belltowers?  The lunchbag of Notre Dame
 
2021-01-15 8:31:15 PM  

psilocyberguy: "I see", said the blind carpenter as he picked up his hammer and saw.


"I say" said the mute bicyclist as he picked up his wheel and spoke
 
2021-01-15 8:46:13 PM  

Uranus: The girl who sits at the centre line of the tennis court? That's Annette...


The girl with one leg shorter than the other is Eileen.
The kid laying on the front stoop is Matt.
The altar boy praying at the front is Neil
The two guys hanging by your sister's window are Curt and Rod.
 
2021-01-15 8:49:49 PM  
The two gay Irishmen: Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick
 
2021-01-15 10:12:10 PM  
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
.
.
.
.
.
A carrot


(shamelessly lifted from Alan Davies on QI.)
 
2021-01-15 11:22:46 PM  

PluckYew: Knock, knock
...Who's there?
Interrupting cow
...Inter-
Moo!

Better told than written


Littlest nephew *LOVED* that joke, but could not work out the timing when he told it to others.
 
2021-01-15 11:32:50 PM  
In ancient Babylon, an ambitious general plotted a coup against the King.

Well, things did in fact go wrong, and the general disguised himself and secretly sought his partisans throughout the capital to no avail. In desperation, he climbed the highest mud-brick pyramid in the land and lit a smoky signal fire in hopes of rallying his allies.

Unfortunately, the King's guard saw it first, captured him, and put him to death.


The Searching General Has Determined That Smoking Ziggurats Can Be Hazardous To Your Stealth.
 
2021-01-16 12:32:18 AM  
Why do bananas need lots of sunscreen?
...


...


...

Because they peel.
 
2021-01-16 4:34:44 AM  

PluckYew: Knock, knock
...Who's there?
Interrupting cow
...Inter-
Moo!

Better told than written


Knock knock
...Who's there?
Kid who can't reach the doorbell...
 
2021-01-16 6:05:32 AM  
A story for your entertainment: Once upon a time there was this boy in high school who really like this girl. A few months before prom, he finally found enough courage to ask her if she would go to the prom with him. Amazingly, she said yes. Really wanting to impress the girl he decided to rent a limo for the evening of the prom. Arriving at the rental office, to his dismay he found himself at the end of a huge line of people. So he waited. And waited. And waited. And waited, for what seemed like hours. Finally he was at the front of the line and reserved a limo for prom night. A day or so later he went to the local tuxedo rental shop and again found himself at the end of a huge line of high school age boys all waiting to get measured and reserve their tuxedos for prom. So he waits. And waits. And waits. And waits. Wand waits. And waits. And waits. And waits. Until. Finally. He was at the front of the line. Luckily, they had the tux that he wanted, so after a few quick measurements and alterations, he was on his way. About a week before the prom, he goes to the florist to pick out a boutonnière for himself and a corsage for his date. And, what do you know, all the other boys are there before him. So, he gets in line and waits. And waits. And waits. And waits. And waits. And waits. And waits. Until, finally, he gets to the front of the line and makes his selections and pays, telling the proprietor he will pick up his purchases the day of the prom. Finally, the day of prom arrives! The boy goes to the florist and picks up his flowers. Then he goes to the tux rental shop and picks up his tuxedo. He goes home, takes a shower, puts on his tux and gets ready to leave. His mother tearfully pins his boutonnière to his lapel and sends him out to the waiting limo. He arrives at his dates house and rings the doorbell. His date's father answers the door and gruffly informs him that "she'll be down in just a second". A few moments later the young lady in question makes her entrance and the boy is stunned speechless. She is even more beautiful than he imagined. He babbles about how lovely she is for a few seconds and then gives her her corsage and, after taking the parentally required photos, escorts her to the awaiting limo. They arrive at the prom just as the doors open for the evening, and of course, it seems that everyone else is there before them. They get in line and after what seems like an eternity they finally hand over their tickets and make their way into the ballroom. They find a table and as the boy is taking the girls wrap she mentions that she is thirsty and would he mind terribly getting her a drink from the refreshment table on the way back from the coat check. He says "of course, it would be my pleasure", and he makes his way through the crowd and checks their belongings at the desk and then makes his way over to the refreshments table. And what do you know? there's no punch line...
 
2021-01-16 6:52:41 AM  
Q: What has 8 legs and eats flies?A: coupla frogs.
 
2021-01-16 11:54:54 AM  

sswo: Uranus: The girl who sits at the centre line of the tennis court? That's Annette...

The girl with one leg shorter than the other is Eileen.
The kid laying on the front stoop is Matt.
The altar boy praying at the front is Neil
The two guys hanging by your sister's window are Curt and Rod.


The guy in the pool is Bob.
The guy on the wall is Art.
Shelly and Sandy are the girls on the seashore.
In the mailbox is a guy named Bill.
John is over there, getting pissed on.
Have you met Dawn? She's an early riser.
In a box is ... Well, he prefers to be called Richard.
 
2021-01-16 6:18:09 PM  
What do you call a blind deer? No idea.

What do you call a paralyzed, blind deer? Still no idea.

What do you call an impotent, paralyzed, blind deer? Still no farking idea
 
2021-01-16 8:47:53 PM  
"Knock Knock."
"Who's there?"
"Control Freak.  Now you say 'Control Freak Who?'"
 
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