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(Fark)   Hey Fark, as you're the closest thing I have to a peer group: I'm wondering what's the best way to deal with a friend overstepping the limits of what I'm comfortable with, sexually, even when I've told them they're almost causing me an anxiety attack   (fark.com) divider line
    More: Fail, Interpersonal relationship, Want, Friendship, Need, subby's friend, genders of the parties, common situations, different people  
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255 clicks; posted to Discussion » on 19 Dec 2020 at 7:41 PM (17 weeks ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook



56 Comments     (+0 »)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest


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2020-12-19 5:11:30 PM  
Dump the pushy SOB.
 
2020-12-19 5:14:47 PM  
I'm wondering what's the best way to deal with a friend overstepping the limits of what I'm comfortable with, sexually, even when I've told them they're almost causing me an anxiety attack


Tell them, "Too...

gifimage.netView Full Size
 
2020-12-19 5:15:07 PM  
If you've already told them that they're causing you harm and they don't care, then you should cut them out of your life. It's not the easy thing, but it's the thing.
 
2020-12-19 5:18:45 PM  
You're no longer available for interaction. Cut all contact. Self-care is the best care.

I want to tell you (and I'm female) that I regret how I treated some women when I was in my late teens and early 20s, especially at work.

My wife and I agree that I'm not allowed to play with other women (can play with men all I want in a non-sexual way) because she gets jealous...and I cross boundaries very easily.

Self-care is important, subby.
 
2020-12-19 5:19:02 PM  
Doesn't sound like a friend. If you've been clear and they haven't stopped, that's nit a friend of yours.
 
2020-12-19 5:19:45 PM  
Fark one of their siblings.
 
Xai [TotalFark]
2020-12-19 5:24:19 PM  
Honestly that is one of two things,
1) either you want some sort of sexual relationship with them but not a full one, then the onus on you to very strictly set the boundaries and threaten to call it all off completely if they overstep them.
2) You want no sort of sexual relationship and then they should fark the hell off - if you've been clear about that and they are still trying then they aren't a friend since they aren't considering how you feel.

If someone wants to question my reasoning on (1) then I would respond that we aren't telepathic and if you say 'yes but with restrictions' to a sexual relationship then the onus is on you to lay out those boundaries in stone or else it's entirely reasonable to expect the other person to keep exploring the relationship to find where they are.

I won't pry as to the actual status, but feel that covers the common situations.
 
2020-12-19 5:25:53 PM  

fragMasterFlash: Fark one of their siblings.


Or butt-stuff
 
2020-12-19 5:36:17 PM  
DTMFA.
If you've told them to back off and they haven't dump them.

If you haven't told them to back off, tell them.
 
2020-12-19 5:37:54 PM  
Tell them that you need space and solitude, and you can't get involved in a relationship right now.   Then make sure they see you dating/making out with like five different people over the space of a month.
 
2020-12-19 5:38:00 PM  
Banishment.  If that doesn't work?  Mace.
 
2020-12-19 5:39:15 PM  

leeto2: DTMFA.
If you've told them to back off and they haven't dump them.

If you haven't told them to back off, tell them.


Yeah, I agree with leeto2. In the former case, they're not your friend. In the latter, you need to tell them to back off. The only way this might have been confusion on his part is if you said, "no jokes about Flying Swedish Backflips," and then made a joke about them yourself.
 
2020-12-19 5:39:37 PM  
F*ck their dad.
 
2020-12-19 5:40:29 PM  
No is a full sentence. Let them know if they continue to violate the boundaries you set, they will find themselves cut out of your life entirely because you can't be friends with people who don't respect you, your words, and your feelings. If they know they're making you uncomfortable and continue the behavior that is causing you distress they are NOT your friend.
 
2020-12-19 5:47:12 PM  

IgG4: fragMasterFlash: Fark one of their siblings.

Or butt-stuff


Fark user imageView Full Size
 
2020-12-19 5:51:14 PM  
Best Of That's My Purse
Youtube Qy3qk4ohwFA
 
2020-12-19 6:16:27 PM  
If you have a friend, and that friend oversteps a sexual boundary one time, then it's incumbent on you to make it clear to that person that they've overstepped. There's nothing wrong, implicitly, with this happening -- people develop feelings for people they're close to, and if they've taken a chance and put themselves out there in the hopes of taking a friendship to a more intimate level, that's normal humanity at work and you should treat them respectfully, but firmly. If they're really you're friend, they will respect what you've said. It may be difficult for them to hear this, for a time, but this is also normal. The friendship itself may then need to take a bit of a break, but just give that person time. If they were truly your friend, they'll be back.

On the other, hand if you tell your amorous friend in no uncertain terms that you're not interested, and they either ignore you or keep trying to create situations where romance is on the table, then cut them from your life immediately. This person is not your friend, probably never has been, certainly can't be trusted, and doesn't deserve to know you. A punch in the mouth may also be acceptable.

There's really no gray area between those two situations.
 
2020-12-19 6:28:17 PM  
Restraining order.
 
2020-12-19 6:37:15 PM  
Look them in the eye and be clear about what is and is not ok.

It's good to know what you want and what you don't want. If you can communicate that clearly it's practically a superpower.
 
2020-12-19 7:35:24 PM  
Cockpunch or KHITBASH.  If you've already told them no once and they keep pushing, they're not your friend.
 
2020-12-19 7:47:21 PM  
Ghost them. "You can turn your back on a person, but never turn your back on a drug..."
 
2020-12-19 7:50:37 PM  
I'm a moran and don't have any advice, but I just wanted to mention that I miss ANON-DIT.

Those were fun times.
 
2020-12-19 7:55:39 PM  
"overstepping the limits of what I'm comfortable with, sexually"

If you said no and they keep doing the thing, that's assault.  Just to be SUPER sure, say NO in the clearest possible way.  If you are explicit in saying NO and they don't listen to you, THAT IS ASSAULT.

If you were my buddy, I would tell you to never speak to that person again.  If I were your therapist, I would ask WHY you want to keep speaking to that person.
 
2020-12-19 8:07:18 PM  
So, a little background:

subby is male.

subby's friend is female.

(This would have been stated in the headline if Fark allowed for longer headlines or if subby were capable of writing more concisely.)

The genders of the parties is a big part of why subby has been reluctant to talk about this 'til now... but subby recognizes that if the roles, but not the genders, were reversed, subby would have by now received at least a stern talking to -- and probably a mild beating.

The situation is complicated, but subby's friend has been told what subby' limits are, and (in general terms) why; however, subby' friend continues to push against (or walk all over) those limits.
 
2020-12-19 8:17:42 PM  
Tell her your phone has broken and you have to wait 3 days for a replacement. Then, tell her your mother has died and you have to go to the funeral in another state - gone a week. Next, tell her you've been reassigned at work for a month in Los Angeles. During all these times, never answer her calls or texts. Keep your excuses in a spreadsheet if you have to. I have literally done this before. Before it was called ghosting, it was called a California Breakup. It works every time.
 
2020-12-19 8:30:02 PM  

Pocket Ninja: If you have a friend, and that friend oversteps a sexual boundary one time, then it's incumbent on you to make it clear to that person that they've overstepped. There's nothing wrong, implicitly, with this happening -- people develop feelings for people they're close to, and if they've taken a chance and put themselves out there in the hopes of taking a friendship to a more intimate level, that's normal humanity at work and you should treat them respectfully, but firmly. If they're really you're friend, they will respect what you've said. It may be difficult for them to hear this, for a time, but this is also normal. The friendship itself may then need to take a bit of a break, but just give that person time. If they were truly your friend, they'll be back.

On the other, hand if you tell your amorous friend in no uncertain terms that you're not interested, and they either ignore you or keep trying to create situations where romance is on the table, then cut them from your life immediately. This person is not your friend, probably never has been, certainly can't be trusted, and doesn't deserve to know you. A punch in the mouth may also be acceptable.

There's really no gray area between those two situations.


Fark user imageView Full Size
 
2020-12-19 8:43:46 PM  

IgG4: fragMasterFlash: Fark one of their siblings.

Or butt-stuff


Yeah, if that is what it is, we are experts on that.
 
2020-12-19 9:15:03 PM  
Kick him in the uterus.
 
2020-12-19 9:17:29 PM  

Billy Liar: Kick him in the uterus.


Just the big toe?
 
2020-12-19 9:33:32 PM  
The second a person ceases to respect your boundaries, they cease to be a friend. You owe nobody time of day, and acting otherwise is harmful to you, and to them as well. When a person acts poorly and receives validation for it, it reinforces their negative behavior.

TL;DR; the kindest thing you can do for yourself and them is cut them out of your life like the cancer they are.
 
2020-12-19 9:38:55 PM  

Billy Liar: Kick him in the duderus.

 
2020-12-19 9:45:35 PM  
A friend is just a stranger you haven't alienated yet.
 
2020-12-19 9:57:52 PM  

theteacher: My wife and I agree that I'm not allowed to play with other women (can play with men all I want in a non-sexual way) because she gets jealous...and I cross boundaries very easily.


What does "play with" even mean if it's not a sexual euphemism?
 
2020-12-19 10:03:31 PM  

subby's alt: So, a little background:

subby is male.

subby's friend is female.

(This would have been stated in the headline if Fark allowed for longer headlines or if subby were capable of writing more concisely.)

The genders of the parties is a big part of why subby has been reluctant to talk about this 'til now... but subby recognizes that if the roles, but not the genders, were reversed, subby would have by now received at least a stern talking to -- and probably a mild beating.

The situation is complicated, but subby's friend has been told what subby' limits are, and (in general terms) why; however, subby' friend continues to push against (or walk all over) those limits.


Men are allowed to say no. Everyone is allowed to say no. You don't have to explain, or give reasons, or attempt to placate the other person. Say no. Set a clear boundary. It sounds like you've said no.

Many people have said this above, but a friend doesn't push boundaries. I've gotten angry at people and held them at arm's length so to speak when they tried to push candy on me. Polite no thanks gosh that's so nice. Polite no thanks. Slightly less polite no thanks. Gosh, I'm sorry, I told you I didn't want candy, so no. I said no. Person says their sorry which I graciously accept. But we're never going to be friends, just acquaintances.

Your bodily autonomy is way more important. You have all of our permission to say no. And Xai has good advice for a slightly more nuanced situation.

Xai: Honestly that is one of two things,
1) either you want some sort of sexual relationship with them but not a full one, then the onus on you to very strictly set the boundaries and threaten to call it all off completely if they overstep them.
2) You want no sort of sexual relationship and then they should fark the hell off - if you've been clear about that and they are still trying then they aren't a friend since they aren't considering how you feel.

If someone wants to question my reasoning on (1) then I would respond that we aren't telepathic and if you say 'yes but with restrictions' to a sexual relationship then the onus is on you to lay out those boundaries in stone or else it's entirely reasonable to expect the other person to keep exploring the relationship to find where they are.

I won't pry as to the actual status, but feel that covers the common situations.

 
2020-12-19 10:08:22 PM  

subby's alt: The situation is complicated, but subby's friend has been told what subby' limits are, and (in general terms) why; however, subby' friend continues to push against (or walk all over) those limits.


So, if you want to continue to be incredibly vague, then fine.  I will only ask why, given all this, do you continue to put yourself in a situation with this person where this can happen?  When the line is crossed, do you actually say to stop at that time?
 
2020-12-19 10:11:05 PM  

subby's alt: So, a little background:

subby is male.

subby's friend is female.

(This would have been stated in the headline if Fark allowed for longer headlines or if subby were capable of writing more concisely.)

The genders of the parties is a big part of why subby has been reluctant to talk about this 'til now... but subby recognizes that if the roles, but not the genders, were reversed, subby would have by now received at least a stern talking to -- and probably a mild beating.

The situation is complicated, but subby's friend has been told what subby' limits are, and (in general terms) why; however, subby' friend continues to push against (or walk all over) those limits.


Yeah.  Someone is not respecting your boundaries.  If you want to, be extremely explicit about where the line is and give them one more chance.  But don't be surprised when they cross the line because they suck at boundaries.

But then you have to follow through.  I told you how to be my friend and you chose to violate my trust.  Sorry.  I'm done.
 
2020-12-19 10:12:43 PM  

LadySusan: Many people have said this above, but a friend doesn't push boundaries. I've gotten angry at people and held them at arm's length so to speak when they tried to push candy on me. Polite no thanks gosh that's so nice. Polite no thanks. Slightly less polite no thanks. Gosh, I'm sorry, I told you I didn't want candy, so no. I said no. Person says their sorry which I graciously accept. But we're never going to be friends, just acquaintances.


Good call...

i.kym-cdn.comView Full Size
 
2020-12-19 10:38:28 PM  
subby's alt:

I'm totally making an account called "foo monkey's alt."
 
2020-12-19 10:40:01 PM  

BMFPitt: LadySusan: Many people have said this above, but a friend doesn't push boundaries. I've gotten angry at people and held them at arm's length so to speak when they tried to push candy on me. Polite no thanks gosh that's so nice. Polite no thanks. Slightly less polite no thanks. Gosh, I'm sorry, I told you I didn't want candy, so no. I said no. Person says their sorry which I graciously accept. But we're never going to be friends, just acquaintances.

Good call...

[i.kym-cdn.com image 600x600]


I dunno, I'm pretty sure a van labeled "free candy" is actually slightly MORE likely to be legit than people that push their own headcanon romantic narratives on others like that claiming they've learned their lesson.
 
2020-12-19 10:41:00 PM  

foo monkey: subby's alt:

I'm totally making an account called "foo monkey's alt."


But will fark still know if you vote for your own posts then?
 
2020-12-19 11:27:14 PM  
Assuming butt stuff and telling them directly have been covered all I can suggest is:

i.makeagif.comView Full Size
 
2020-12-20 1:00:59 AM  
I'm rather surprised this went green. I would have thought it wouldn't leave TFD. I miss TF. I'm guessing he may be a liter too and couldn't access any of the answers if it didn't get greened.
 
2020-12-20 1:52:37 AM  
Consult a law firm that specialises in family law. Don't take advice from (well-meaning) friends...
 
2020-12-20 2:49:13 AM  
Tell her you have herpes. Or crabs.
 
2020-12-20 3:39:45 AM  
What is the boundary?
The answer changes if it is holding hands rather than sitting on your face.
 
2020-12-20 4:00:22 AM  

BMFPitt: subby's alt: The situation is complicated, but subby's friend has been told what subby' limits are, and (in general terms) why; however, subby' friend continues to push against (or walk all over) those limits.

So, if you want to continue to be incredibly vague, then fine.  I will only ask why, given all this, do you continue to put yourself in a situation with this person where this can happen?  When the line is crossed, do you actually say to stop at that time?


I'm guessing that subby's alt is subby but doesn't want to admit that.
 
2020-12-20 5:03:29 AM  

subby's alt: So, a little background:

subby is male.

subby's friend is female.

(This would have been stated in the headline if Fark allowed for longer headlines or if subby were capable of writing more concisely.)

The genders of the parties is a big part of why subby has been reluctant to talk about this 'til now... but subby recognizes that if the roles, but not the genders, were reversed, subby would have by now received at least a stern talking to -- and probably a mild beating.

The situation is complicated, but subby's friend has been told what subby' limits are, and (in general terms) why; however, subby' friend continues to push against (or walk all over) those limits.


Dump her now before you become Ross/a cheating victim.

It's not love if they don't respect you. It's lust.

Even if they are a total ten and you're a three at best, there's someone better out there.

Or learn to like it and become a masochist/cuck. That can be learned.

You do you.
 
2020-12-20 7:08:02 AM  

evilsofa: I'm guessing that subby's alt is subby but doesn't want to admit that.


I assumed that their post was that admission.
 
2020-12-20 12:55:30 PM  
Strap in, brace yourself, and bite the pillow
 
2020-12-20 12:58:00 PM  

BMFPitt: theteacher: My wife and I agree that I'm not allowed to play with other women (can play with men all I want in a non-sexual way) because she gets jealous...and I cross boundaries very easily.

What does "play with" even mean if it's not a sexual euphemism?


i.imgur.comView Full Size
 
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