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(Chron)   Grocery store employees give advice to the lost and confused men with their significant others crazy lists. "I've seen a few in so desperate for direction the Jehovah's Witnesses were able to recruit them"   (chron.com) divider line
    More: Amusing  
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1217 clicks; posted to Food » on 21 Nov 2020 at 9:50 AM (11 days ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook



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2020-11-21 6:59:33 AM  
I'd much rather get a list from my significant other. That way, I can get in and get out quickly instead of slowly wandering up and down every single aisle with her.

/ phrasing?
 
2020-11-21 7:14:16 AM  
Our first fight as a married couple (pre cell phone) happened at Easter, in front of our parents.

I was hosting Easter lunch and sent my husband to the store for a five pound ham. He was gone forever.
I tried to chat with the folks while watching the clock tick away the time needed to finish cooking and demanded to know what the hell took so long when he arrived.

He lifted a large plastic bag and said "You have no idea how long it took the Deli guy to slice five pounds of ham"

I think I was in the kitchen crying when my Grandmother, with two Manhattans under her belt, kissed me and said "You knew he was Jewish when you married him, honey. How many Easter hams has he had, really?"

Love and learn.
 
2020-11-21 7:30:25 AM  

parasol: Our first fight as a married couple (pre cell phone) happened at Easter, in front of our parents.

I was hosting Easter lunch and sent my husband to the store for a five pound ham. He was gone forever.
I tried to chat with the folks while watching the clock tick away the time needed to finish cooking and demanded to know what the hell took so long when he arrived.

He lifted a large plastic bag and said "You have no idea how long it took the Deli guy to slice five pounds of ham"

I think I was in the kitchen crying when my Grandmother, with two Manhattans under her belt, kissed me and said "You knew he was Jewish when you married him, honey. How many Easter hams has he had, really?"

Love and learn.


Obligatory.

Fark user imageView Full Size
 
2020-11-21 7:51:50 AM  
A poor, harried person approached me this afternoon all "WHERE DID YOU FIND THE CRANBERRIES?!?" with a list in their hand.  I had to feel for that, it took me like ten minutes to find the damn garlic.
 
2020-11-21 7:52:37 AM  
And I KNOW where the garlic usually is; they just decided to all up and put it on the other side of produce for some marketing reason
 
2020-11-21 8:42:57 AM  
So now Fark is green-lighting articles that report on amusing things said in Reddit posts?
 
2020-11-21 8:52:07 AM  
I was at the store yesterday looking for heavy cream.  As was another woman nearby.  We each took an end of the dairy cases and met in the middle...nothing.  Grabbed a couple of employees that were walking by.. "Well, we don't work in dairy but we'll help you look." ... nothing.  Couldn't even find the shelf tag to verify that they were sold out.

I finally found it on a bottom shelf squeezed between two random unrelated items...some asshole thought that right before the time of the year that they sell the most of it would be the perfect time to change the packaging...sigh
 
2020-11-21 8:57:45 AM  

MorgothsDishwasher: So now Fark is green-lighting articles that report on amusing things said in Reddit posts?


This is the only place I get to see Reddit content.
My son told me to never, ever go there in the same tone I used to tell him never, ever tease the bad dog next door.

Don't deny me a peek into Reddit via Fark on a random Saturday morning.
It's either this or stripping beds and washing sheets.

killjoy
 
2020-11-21 9:00:50 AM  

Recoil Therapy: I was at the store yesterday looking for heavy cream.  As was another woman nearby.  We each took an end of the dairy cases and met in the middle...nothing.  Grabbed a couple of employees that were walking by.. "Well, we don't work in dairy but we'll help you look." ... nothing.  Couldn't even find the shelf tag to verify that they were sold out.

I finally found it on a bottom shelf squeezed between two random unrelated items...some asshole thought that right before the time of the year that they sell the most of it would be the perfect time to change the packaging...sigh


You know what else needs to be labeled more clearly?
Buttermilk.
So said the person here who took a big swig out of the carton thinking it was milk.

Even the cat was impressed with the amount of *gack* that followed.
 
Boe [TotalFark] [OhFark]
2020-11-21 9:33:55 AM  

MissFeasance: And I KNOW where the garlic usually is; they just decided to all up and put it on the other side of produce for some marketing reason


I farking hate that.
 
2020-11-21 9:39:48 AM  
"Don't be surprised if we don't know. It's a big f**king store, "


That's a load of crap.  When I was young, I worked at the biggest store in the state at the time - Randall's/Safeway.  This was back when HEB still looked like a warehouse on the inside and all of their items were still in their boxes that had been cut open on one side.  The old Randall's stores had ever bit the stock of your average size HEBs (not the Plus, mind you).

I started as a sacker and made it a point to memorize the entire store and certainly had it memorized when I was a stocker.  Hell, I have 85%+ of my current HEB memorized *now* (15% of that non-memorization includes the rotating or temp. stock).  It's not that hard.

Granted, most of the middle-of-the night customers are either people wanting to relax while they shop and take their time or they are weirdos.  But it is not unreasonable to ask a stocker where something is located.  Everything in the store is *not* on that HEB app by any means.  And they often move big chunks of stock to end-displays and such.  Also, certain items seem to disappear and are, apparently, difficult to restock (boxed 1lb sugar for instance - there's a reason lots of people need this and it sells quick which HEB hasn't figured out yet).  In addition, at my local HEB (which is right under the Plus-sized store), the stockers seem to know where farking everything is as would be expected.
 
2020-11-21 9:49:01 AM  

bostonguy: I'd much rather get a list from my significant other. That way, I can get in and get out quickly instead of slowly wandering up and down every single aisle with her.

/ phrasing?


That was hubby's decision about 7 years ago when it began getting harder for me to walk. Plus, I like to look at everything, especially the produce, and find new things, etc., and it always drove him crazy.

So he started doing what he is doing right this minute: going to the store without me and taking a list instead.

He does get what he calls "treasure hunt items" - but he's gotten good at asking the clerks for help (normally he won't talk to anyone until he gets to the check out, but they are all friends since he's seen most of them for nearly a decade).

It would be easier for him to get in and out of the store ASAP, especially in these COVID times, if the store would stop rearranging itself all the time, sometimes the entire freaking store like earlier this year. That one really threw him off as they moved practically every item in the store and the clerks didn't know where everything was anymore. Pissed him off.

But I've sent him off with the Thanksgiving list and it's pretty traditional so he shouldn't have to "treasure hunt" this morning.
 
2020-11-21 10:02:14 AM  
I tried to find the one where a man is looking at an aisle of bread. And has no idea what he is looking at. But I did find this one:

Carl's Jr. "Deli" commercial (2004)
Youtube LQVvH-csnSY
 
2020-11-21 10:31:48 AM  
parasol:

Ha! Cultural misunderstandings.

Long ago, my ex (a Japanese guy) said he wanted potato for dinner, could I get him some on the way over? Imagine his stunned look when I show up with a sack of russets.

Did you know that in Japan "potato" refers to sliced fried potatoes you and I would call French fries? The tuber itself is called jagaimo.
 
2020-11-21 10:35:27 AM  
I am very, very familiar with the HEB down the street from me. I've always been the one to do the grocery shopping, mostly because I'm the one who does the cooking. Plus, as my wife and I both have worked at home fro more than 10 years, it's nice to get out of the house for a few minutes, listen to music or a podcast.

Send my wife to the store? She's on the phone in 10 minutes asking me where stuff is.

I'd say 90% of the staff at HEB know exactly where almost everything is. Those folks are great.
 
151 [TotalFark]
2020-11-21 10:38:40 AM  
I'm pretty good at finding stuff at grocery stores, but last week I went to THREE different stores trying to find cornstarch. I looked where it obviously should be (baking stuff) in all 3, then literally everywhere else. I now believe cornstarch only exists in my work kitchen.
 
2020-11-21 10:43:57 AM  

Monkey: I am very, very familiar with the HEB down the street from me.


Uh, what?
 
2020-11-21 10:47:05 AM  

bostonguy: Monkey: I am very, very familiar with the HEB down the street from me.

Uh, what?


I originally typed "intimately familiar", and realized how that sounds.

How about "I am very, very familiar with the layout of the HEB down the street"?

I mean, I do occasionally go around back and f*ck the building.
 
2020-11-21 11:08:22 AM  
My grocery store has a guide printed on the basket of every grocery cart. It's pretty great
 
2020-11-21 11:12:56 AM  
        What peaches and what penumbras! Whole families shopping at night! Aisles full of husbands! Wives in the avocados, babies in the tomatoes!-and you, Garcia Lorca, what were you doing down by the watermelons?
 
2020-11-21 11:24:47 AM  
Grocery shopping is nothing but an anxiety and stress magnifier in my world.  I have two methods to get the essential things I need in my kitchen.

1. Go to the store first thing in the morning, 7 am when they open, and grab misc. things when I don't need a lot.
2. Use amazon fresh, and pay a substantial premium over the local store for the convenience.

Pop into the dollar general occasionally to get paper products, toothpaste, sundries.

If I was married, theres just no way I'd be able to take the mental gymnastics to spend an hour filling a cart and getting everything requested if i was in that situation; props to the guys who aren't bothered with it!
 
2020-11-21 11:29:23 AM  

Monkey: bostonguy: Monkey: I am very, very familiar with the HEB down the street from me.

Uh, what?

I originally typed "intimately familiar", and realized how that sounds.

How about "I am very, very familiar with the layout of the HEB down the street"?

I mean, I do occasionally go around back and f*ck the building.


Ah, sorry. It's the HEB part -- I read that as HEEB.
 
2020-11-21 11:33:38 AM  

bostonguy: Monkey: bostonguy: Monkey: I am very, very familiar with the HEB down the street from me.

Uh, what?

I originally typed "intimately familiar", and realized how that sounds.

How about "I am very, very familiar with the layout of the HEB down the street"?

I mean, I do occasionally go around back and f*ck the building.

Ah, sorry. It's the HEB part -- I read that as HEEB.


Understandable. There is actually an HEB here in Austin that serves the Orthodox Jewish community (has a well stocked kosher foods department) and, this being Texas, it's not unusual for it to be referred to with the pronunciation you posted.
 
2020-11-21 11:46:48 AM  

phedex: Grocery shopping is nothing but an anxiety and stress magnifier in my world.


dude I can sympathize.
 
2020-11-21 11:48:32 AM  
Anybody else arrange their shopping list according to the store layout? Produce first, then baking, then pasta, etc. until you get to dairy/frozen. My once-a-month run takes about 15 minutes.
 
2020-11-21 11:50:26 AM  
Honest question: Why not just eliminate the stress and have everything delivered? I order once a month from a major supermarket chain. Easy. No coronavirus.

That's a common thing in America now, right?
 
2020-11-21 11:58:44 AM  

bostonguy: Honest question: Why not just eliminate the stress and have everything delivered? I order once a month from a major supermarket chain. Easy. No coronavirus.

That's a common thing in America now, right?


We have raccoons here.
I'd rather unload my groceries myself than have them do it.
They have clever hands but not one of them can reach the freezer.

Not to mention they throw stuff they don't like into the fish pond.
 
2020-11-21 12:01:01 PM  

Famishus: Anybody else arrange their shopping list according to the store layout? Produce first, then baking, then pasta, etc. until you get to dairy/frozen. My once-a-month run takes about 15 minutes.


Yep. But I park on the left side of the building where it's less crowded, so I start with dairy/frozen, and end up in produce. My father would be appalled. Yes, sometimes the ice cream melts a little.
 
2020-11-21 12:10:39 PM  

parasol: We have raccoons here.
I'd rather unload my groceries myself than have them do it.
They have clever hands but not one of them can reach the freezer.

Not to mention they throw stuff they don't like into the fish pond.


Gotcha. Apologies for my urban bias that I sometimes forget I have.

/ username checks out
 
2020-11-21 12:11:59 PM  

parasol: We have raccoons here.
I'd rather unload my groceries myself than have them do it.
They have clever hands but not one of them can reach the freezer.

Not to mention they throw stuff they don't like into the fish pond.


I get the feeling that if you film that, you could get into America's Funniest Home Videos or something. Or at least a one-off viral YouTube video.

(Is AFHV even still a thing? I have not lived in America for more than a decade.)
 
2020-11-21 12:18:03 PM  
When a woman taps him on the shoulder and says "Excuse me Sir, but where do you keep the broccoli?" The man replies "Well ma'am we're out of broccoli today, but we get some more tomorrow so come back then." The woman nods and walks away while the grocer continues stocking the carrots. A few minutes later the same woman taps the grocer on the shoulder and asks "Sir, I was wondering where I could find the broccoli?" Confused, the grocer says "Well ma'am we are out of broccoli today. However, we will have more tomorrow morning. Come back tomorrow." The woman smiles and thanks him as she walks away. Shaking his head, the grocer turns his attention back to the carrots. Moments later the woman again taps him on the shoulder and asks "Pardon me, but do you know where the broccoli is?" The grocer looks at her angrily and says "Let me ask you something. How do you spell dog, like in dogmatic?" The woman replies "D-O-G" "Okay" says the grocer. "Now how do you spell cat, as in catatonic?" "C-A-T" says the woman. "Perfect" the grocer replies. "Now how do you spell fark, like in broccoli?" Confused, the woman says "But, there is no fark in broccoli." The grocer says "THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YA LADY! THERE'S NO farkIN' BROCCOLI!"
 
2020-11-21 12:25:20 PM  
About 2 years ago my Publix did a makeover. Frozen, produce and the deli stayed in the same place, but the changed all the other aisles that made no farking sense.
Aisle 1 Juices
Aisle 2 Feminin and baby
Aisle 3 Canned meats
Aisle 4 Hygiene
Aisle 5 International
Aisle 6 OTC drugs
WTF?
 
2020-11-21 12:30:08 PM  
"Don't be surprised if we don't know. It's a big f**king store,"

Oh that's not surprise on my face. It's disdain for your incompetence. I don't expect every employee to know where every item is but c'mon. If I'm asking where something is, I'm usually not asking about something obscure that's hidden in a dark corner of the store.

The store I shop at is the worst. I thought they used all kinds of science to lay out their store but the store I shop at seems to have no rhyme or reason to where they put things.
 
2020-11-21 12:33:57 PM  
....what?

Maybe I'm biased because I worked at a grocery store. Shia's easy to find yo. It's grouped together. In fact it's grouped in a way to get you to buy more than you need. Which is kind of annoying but also kind of helpful. Also most stores have signs or those weird scanny things that I don't understand because even though I'm a millennial now I'm old.

Also you could just ask for help? Truthfully anything that would have broken me out of my boredom like a person asking for help would have brightened my day back then.
 
2020-11-21 12:34:53 PM  

casual disregard: Shia's easy to find yo.


Look before anybody takes this out of context I was trying to misspell shiat on purpose to get around the filter. This has nothing to do with the religion.
 
2020-11-21 12:44:25 PM  
I used to shop during the day, figuring that it would be less crowded as people have things like jobs (I can for the most part set my own work hours).  Then I found out that that was a rookie mistake as the store is full of old people doing things in slow motion.  It is much nicer to shop in the evening.  Maybe this is unique to the store I shop at.
 
2020-11-21 12:49:25 PM  

casual disregard: casual disregard: Shia's easy to find yo.

Look before anybody takes this out of context I was trying to misspell shiat on purpose to get around the filter. This has nothing to do with the religion.


What about LeBouf?
 
2020-11-21 1:22:59 PM  

BizarreMan: What about LeBouf?


Avec les viands, en la boucherie.
 
2020-11-21 1:28:34 PM  

MissFeasance: A poor, harried person approached me this afternoon all "WHERE DID YOU FIND THE CRANBERRIES?!?" with a list in their hand.  I had to feel for that, it took me like ten minutes to find the damn garlic.


The Winco we shop at used to have the jars of minced garlic way over in a corner of the Produce section.  Apparently, I was not the only person annoyed about this, as it is now in the spice section.
 
2020-11-21 1:39:52 PM  
The only time I ever asked for assistance was to find molasses.
It was in the syrup section.
There was exactly one type, and only one bottle visible.
Makes sense to locate it there.
So now we all know.
 
2020-11-21 1:45:28 PM  

SloppyFrenchKisser: The only time I ever asked for assistance was to find molasses


The only time I had asked for help in a US supermarket, it was to ask if there was a kosher food section. (This was in the middle of small-town America.)

The young clerk brought me to the aisle where there was kosher salt.

I almost cried because he tried so hard to help me, and I was so appreciative. But he just didn't know what I had meant. It was not his fault at all -- I could never blame someone for simply not knowing something. But so many props to him for trying.
 
2020-11-21 2:19:45 PM  
One of these days, grocery stores and supermarkets will realize that people would just as soon order online. Then, they can reduce floorspace (no need for all the aisles and such; no need to unpack everything and stock them on shelves, with labels facing customers...), and have a robot pick up the items and put them into a reusable box, send the grocery via autonomous drone vehicle with cold stuff stored in the refrigerated portion, the warm/hot stuff in the heated portion, the fresh produce in the cooled, but dehumidified compartment, all in less time than it would take for a customer to find parking.

Yes, stores might miss out on customers buying on impulse, but if the throughput is 150% greater than what can be processed through present check-out lines, and the reduction in human labor is dropped by 75%, stores will earn more at the end of the day.
 
2020-11-21 2:43:32 PM  

SloppyFrenchKisser: The only time I ever asked for assistance was to find molasses.
It was in the syrup section.
There was exactly one type, and only one bottle visible.
Makes sense to locate it there.
So now we all know.


For some reason the Karo syrup is with the pancake goo instead of the sweeteners.  Lame.
 
2020-11-21 2:44:56 PM  

UberDave: "Don't be surprised if we don't know. It's a big f**king store, "


That's a load of crap.  When I was young, I worked at the biggest store in the state at the time - Randall's/Safeway.  This was back when HEB still looked like a warehouse on the inside and all of their items were still in their boxes that had been cut open on one side.  The old Randall's stores had ever bit the stock of your average size HEBs (not the Plus, mind you).

I started as a sacker and made it a point to memorize the entire store and certainly had it memorized when I was a stocker.  Hell, I have 85%+ of my current HEB memorized *now* (15% of that non-memorization includes the rotating or temp. stock).  It's not that hard.

Granted, most of the middle-of-the night customers are either people wanting to relax while they shop and take their time or they are weirdos.  But it is not unreasonable to ask a stocker where something is located.  Everything in the store is *not* on that HEB app by any means.  And they often move big chunks of stock to end-displays and such.  Also, certain items seem to disappear and are, apparently, difficult to restock (boxed 1lb sugar for instance - there's a reason lots of people need this and it sells quick which HEB hasn't figured out yet).  In addition, at my local HEB (which is right under the Plus-sized store), the stockers seem to know where farking everything is as would be expected.


In high school I worked at the local Sentry in the produce department.  People asked me all the time where stuff was and I had no idea because I only worked in produce.  I tried to help as best as I could but I was pretty useless.

A stocker on the other hand probably should know where most things are.

/LSB
 
2020-11-21 2:45:03 PM  

bostonguy: SloppyFrenchKisser: The only time I ever asked for assistance was to find molasses

The only time I had asked for help in a US supermarket, it was to ask if there was a kosher food section. (This was in the middle of small-town America.)

The young clerk brought me to the aisle where there was kosher salt.

I almost cried because he tried so hard to help me, and I was so appreciative. But he just didn't know what I had meant. It was not his fault at all -- I could never blame someone for simply not knowing something. But so many props to him for trying.


Awwww.
 
2020-11-21 3:05:01 PM  

Recoil Therapy: I was at the store yesterday looking for heavy cream.  As was another woman nearby.  We each took an end of the dairy cases and met in the middle...nothing.  Grabbed a couple of employees that were walking by.. "Well, we don't work in dairy but we'll help you look." ... nothing.  Couldn't even find the shelf tag to verify that they were sold out.

I finally found it on a bottom shelf squeezed between two random unrelated items...some asshole thought that right before the time of the year that they sell the most of it would be the perfect time to change the packaging...sigh


I did that a couple weeks ago.  There was a female shopper and she was wondering WTF I was doing.  She's finally like "am I in your way?" and I'm like "I'm trying to find heavy cream, I mean I see the half and half but no cream".  I went home disappointed.
 
2020-11-21 3:39:41 PM  
Make your shopping list in a spreadsheet.
Add a column for department: produce, dairy, frozen, canned, etc.
Sort by dept.
Shop.
Every shopping visit should be a tactical strike, now more than ever.
 
2020-11-21 4:04:31 PM  
There are any number of ways such an article could have actually been interesting. Anecdotes, specific mix-ups, etc.

But no.
 
2020-11-21 4:14:21 PM  

Famishus: Anybody else arrange their shopping list according to the store layout? Produce first, then baking, then pasta, etc. until you get to dairy/frozen. My once-a-month run takes about 15 minutes.


I have my list in my phone by section/aisle.  I keep pretty much everything I buy on the list and mark it when I run out, so I know what's needed next store run.

Some random things that took me forever to find, at various times:
-walnuts
-honey
-shake n' bake
-powdered iced tea mix
-falafel mix
-beef stew
 
2020-11-21 4:24:22 PM  
The Clash - Lost in the Supermarket (Official Audio)
Youtube hZw23sWlyG0

The Clash had  a song about this.
 
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