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(Fark)   Do you have weird life advice somebody gave you? Subby's is don't fart in an elevator as it is wrong on so many levels   (fark.com) divider line
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132 clicks; posted to Discussion » on 12 Oct 2020 at 3:52 AM (15 weeks ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook



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2020-10-12 12:24:37 AM  
"Always keep your mouth closed when plunging a toilet."

Also, "don't stick your dick where it smells like mustard"
 
2020-10-12 12:30:16 AM  
Look at this headline

Admit it, the apostrophe sucks ass
 
2020-10-12 12:32:48 AM  
"Nobody cares. Nobody knows what they're doing."

And if I told you the source, you wouldn't sleep soundly.
 
2020-10-12 12:47:46 AM  

Purple_Urkle: "Nobody cares. Nobody knows what they're doing."

And if I told you the source, you wouldn't sleep soundly.


Fark user imageView Full Size


I'm reminded of this quote.
 
2020-10-12 1:05:34 AM  
Never trust a friendly engineer.
 
2020-10-12 1:23:07 AM  
Time will tell
Sh*t will smell
Water will seek its own level
 
2020-10-12 1:30:02 AM  
Fark user imageView Full Size
 
2020-10-12 1:43:34 AM  
Marry a woman with small hands.
 
2020-10-12 2:02:57 AM  

Purple_Urkle: "Nobody cares. Nobody knows what they're doing."

And if I told you the source, you wouldn't sleep soundly.


my google fu is weak, give us a hint
 
2020-10-12 4:02:42 AM  
The advice my dad gave me isnt weird, it's solid advice imo.  But, it's weird cuz I was about 10 years old when he told me.

"If you ever shoot someone outside your house, drag them inside".

Self defense, protecting property, etc.

There are so many other nuggets, but that one stuck with me the hardest.  Well, along with, " Don't think you're so goddamn special.  You're just a number, we're all just a number".
About 10 ears old again, thinking I'm special.  This one pissed me off for years..thought about it a lot.  I AM special, eff you.  Maybe I AM special, why can't I be?!
Now that I'm turning fifty, I can now say, yes, we are all just a farking number.

He was a Vietnam vet.  So it makes sense with his advice.  He passed two years ago, RIP Dad.
 
2020-10-12 5:10:10 AM  
 Being Canadian, I was always taught to keep two keep two hands on my stick.
 
2020-10-12 5:10:54 AM  
"If you need to hit someone, use an open hand strike. People remember punches, the don't remember open hands."

A cop
 
2020-10-12 5:10:56 AM  
Life is like a box of chocolates...
 
2020-10-12 5:14:56 AM  

ltnor: "If you need to hit someone, use an open hand strike. People remember punches, the don't remember open hands."

A cop


I've heard that before, but I don't get it, I'm pretty sure i'd remember the time I was slapped by some big guy in a bar when I was expecting to be punched.
 
2020-10-12 5:27:33 AM  

Slaxl: ltnor: "If you need to hit someone, use an open hand strike. People remember punches, the don't remember open hands."

A cop

I've heard that before, but I don't get it, I'm pretty sure i'd remember the time I was slapped by some big guy in a bar when I was expecting to be punched.


Honest, I only slapped him!

Fark user imageView Full Size
 
2020-10-12 5:28:25 AM  
Seriously though, some of the advice I've been given (whether I took it to heart or not):
- do it, everybody else does it. (Definitely did not take to heart. And STILL a matter of principle to me)
- If a barking dog runs towards you, stand your ground
- don't make faces, your face will stay that way
- borrow money from banks, it's the only way to run a business
- put the eggs in water, if they float they've gone bad
- always make sure the base flares out*
- never marry a beautiful woman, she may leave you. An ugly woman might leave you as well, you just won't feel as bad**

/* of course picked up on Fark
//** picked up from a grocery store joke book as a kid
///that joke book had some of the raunchiest jokes I've read
 
2020-10-12 5:30:55 AM  

Natalie Portmanteau: "Always keep your mouth closed when plunging a toilet."

Also, "don't stick your dick where it smells like mustard"


Better yet, put a plastic bag over the toilet bowl, and punch the handle of the plunger through the plastic.
A heck of a lot less plunging mess all around.
 
2020-10-12 5:40:43 AM  

Slaxl: ltnor: "If you need to hit someone, use an open hand strike. People remember punches, the don't remember open hands."

A cop

I've heard that before, but I don't get it, I'm pretty sure i'd remember the time I was slapped by some big guy in a bar when I was expecting to be punched.


I think it means people remember to hit with a clenched fist and forget to hit with an open hand.
It's less damaging to the other guy and less damaging to your hand.
One of the "commandments" I gave the teens in martial arts class during the summer program was "all of your opponent is a target". Most people forget that as well.

I've seen people fight, the majority want to hit. The dangerous ones are the ones that want to injure.

/see Shaolin Kung Fu
//also street brawlers
///in all of my school years, I only met two who fought that way. Imagine a range of fighting fair to fighting unfairly. Now imagine someone who just wants to injure. The funny thing is that one of them was a "softie" who never started a fight. In hindsight, I think in his mind he considered himself weak so was willing to "do whatever it takes" to not get hurt. This is the kid that would hit the other kid with a chair or whatever else was at hand
 
2020-10-12 5:52:37 AM  

Slaxl: ltnor: "If you need to hit someone, use an open hand strike. People remember punches, the don't remember open hands."

A cop

I've heard that before, but I don't get it, I'm pretty sure i'd remember the time I was slapped by some big guy in a bar when I was expecting to be punched.


Potential witnesses may see a hard shove to the body or won't say they saw an open hand strike because it's not a punch.
 
2020-10-12 5:58:43 AM  

Resident Muslim: Slaxl: ltnor: "If you need to hit someone, use an open hand strike. People remember punches, the don't remember open hands."

A cop

I've heard that before, but I don't get it, I'm pretty sure i'd remember the time I was slapped by some big guy in a bar when I was expecting to be punched.

I think it means people remember to hit with a clenched fist and forget to hit with an open hand.
It's less damaging to the other guy and less damaging to your hand.
One of the "commandments" I gave the teens in martial arts class during the summer program was "all of your opponent is a target". Most people forget that as well.

I've seen people fight, the majority want to hit. The dangerous ones are the ones that want to injure.

/see Shaolin Kung Fu
//also street brawlers
///in all of my school years, I only met two who fought that way. Imagine a range of fighting fair to fighting unfairly. Now imagine someone who just wants to injure. The funny thing is that one of them was a "softie" who never started a fight. In hindsight, I think in his mind he considered himself weak so was willing to "do whatever it takes" to not get hurt. This is the kid that would hit the other kid with a chair or whatever else was at hand


A fair fight means im the one who walks away from it when its over

How we reach that endpoint has no meaning at all
 
2020-10-12 6:16:06 AM  
My grandpa's two gems of advice, both usually preceded with the word "Boy..." :

"If you can't drive drunk, you can't drive."

"Never stick your dick anywhere you wouldn't stick your tongue."

/both of those have proven quite useful
 
2020-10-12 6:43:21 AM  
Don't use the word "as" in a sentence when you really mean "since" or "because".
 
2020-10-12 6:54:35 AM  
Obvious one is missing.

Don't eat yellow snow.

No fapping after dicing jalapenos.

Never date a girl who pays her bills in ones.

Never wrestle a pig; you will both get dirty, and the pig likes it.
 
2020-10-12 7:02:03 AM  
When you go south of the border, wear a sombrero.
 
2020-10-12 7:05:59 AM  
Old top in a bar when I was in college had a habit of drinking a pint of water in between each beer. My buddy leaned in and asked why. He responded "The solution to pollution is dilution" and went back to drinking. It was a motto for my friends and I for the rest of college. Or at least an inside joke.
 
2020-10-12 7:23:04 AM  
I started keeping a journal when I was seventeen.  I told my grandfather about the journal and the first thing he said was "if you are writing about other people, never use their real names.  Make up a name and keep that list in your head"  I followed that advice, but never really knew where it came from (was afraid to ask).
 
2020-10-12 7:27:02 AM  
Once, when I was pretty depressed and everything was going wrong all over the damn place, a guy pulled up at a stop light as I was randomly crossing the street, sneered at me out of his car window, and yelled, "Kill yourself!"  Never met this dude in my life, wasn't displaying any logos, distinctive appearance, etc. to give me any idea what the rampaging hell this dude was on - he just sped off on his merry way.

That shiat annoyed me to the point that I had an easier time keeping going in dealing with all the stupid farking shiat that was going sideways for weeks.  Every time I got too mopey and figured, "I'm never gonna fix this" I'd remember that farking asshole.  I'd mutter "Fark him what the hell??" and keep on going.

/so thanks, random complete dickhead
//your assholism was pretty helpful, oddly enough
///not sure if it counts since I did not take the advice, but damn was it helpful in staving off hopelessness with anger
 
2020-10-12 7:33:21 AM  

Corona Cure: The advice my dad gave me isnt weird, it's solid advice imo.  But, it's weird cuz I was about 10 years old when he told me.

"If you ever shoot someone outside your house, drag them inside".

Self defense, protecting property, etc.



It's *EXCEPTIONALLY* bad advice.   Do you think you can shoot someone, and then drag them into the house without leaving any kind of evidence that you did that?
 
2020-10-12 7:46:08 AM  
Fark user imageView Full Size
 
2020-10-12 7:57:10 AM  
There is more dignity in offering an apology than in asking permission.

/Context: Disobeying waterpark rules
//Don't get rapey with it
 
2020-10-12 8:04:56 AM  
My father once said, "Remember, if you cheat on your wife you're counting on a woman to keep a secret."

I know, it's not very woke but he's long dead now...
 
2020-10-12 8:07:04 AM  

bughunter: My grandpa's two gems of advice, both usually preceded with the word "Boy..." :

"If you can't drive drunk, you can't drive."

"Never stick your dick anywhere you wouldn't stick your tongue."

/both of those have proven quite useful


I had an odd visual of the kid from A Christmas Story with his dick stuck to the flagpole.
 
2020-10-12 8:08:01 AM  
Perception is reality.
 
2020-10-12 8:15:02 AM  
One of my teenage buddies befriended a scrawny southern dude who would talk non stop about self defense techniques like he was some kind of Chuck Norris prepper freak.  After half an hour of listening to this kid trying to interject the "best way to murder your opponent" tips into the conversation I blurted out, "FFS we're talking about girls and cars and rock bands and baseball here!  No one needs your daddy's murder advice!"

/apologies to non murdery scrawny southern dudes.
 
2020-10-12 8:17:01 AM  
JIMMY SOUL-"IF YOU WANNA BE HAPPY"(LYRICS)
Youtube 6EqFVWzOfN8
 
2020-10-12 8:18:09 AM  
dont fart in an elevator? ALWAYS fart in an elevator. it's the best place to share.
 
2020-10-12 8:22:47 AM  
Make sure you dry between your toes after you shower.  6th grade teacher.

Only time I ever got foot fungus is when I failed to do so.
 
2020-10-12 8:28:22 AM  
From an old guy I used to work with: "Never work on company time, and never shiat on your own."
 
2020-10-12 9:11:56 AM  

ltnor: "If you need to hit someone, use an open hand strike. People remember punches, the don't remember open hands."

A cop


I slapped a kid in the middle school locker room for very loudly making fun of my tighty-whities and he spent the rest of the year trying to get me to hit him again so that he could hit me for real.
 
2020-10-12 9:46:08 AM  
Never pick up a woman at a laundromat. If she can't afford her own washer and dryer how is she ever going to afford to spoil you like you deserve.
 
2020-10-12 9:48:28 AM  

FrancoFile: Make sure you dry between your toes after you shower.  6th grade teacher.

Only time I ever got foot fungus is when I failed to do so.


Always pee in the shower and you'll never get foot fungus.

I honestly had no intention of posting the above, because it is weird.  But then your entry made mine inevitable.
 
2020-10-12 10:24:53 AM  
The Lord loves a workin' man. Don't trust whitey. And know the difference between shiat and Shinola.
 
2020-10-12 10:31:50 AM  
When someone asks you "how are you doing?" reply with, great or wonderful, since no one wants to hear about your problems.
 
2020-10-12 10:35:34 AM  
Never trust someone who tells you how honest they are.
 
2020-10-12 10:45:57 AM  
You don't tug on Superman's cape
You don't spit into the wind
You don't pull the mask off that old Lone Ranger
And you don't mess around with Jim
 
2020-10-12 11:04:59 AM  

Coach McGirk: Never trust someone who tells you how honest they are.


Lately, particularly in the era of Trump and his followers, I've been working on a list of "things that if people brag about being, they are not:"

-Honest
-Smart
-Rich
-Healthy
-Powerful
-Tough
-Good at something
 
2020-10-12 11:05:16 AM  
"Never put salt in your eyes."
 
2020-10-12 12:30:11 PM  
My mom told me, "Always wear beautiful underwear, because you never know when you'll be in a situation where someone might see it."
 
2020-10-12 1:15:31 PM  

Fireproof: Coach McGirk: Never trust someone who tells you how honest they are.

Lately, particularly in the era of Trump and his followers, I've been working on a list of "things that if people brag about being, they are not:"

-Honest
-Smart
-Rich
-Healthy
-Powerful
-Tough
-Good at something


Agreed.
Although I would rephrase that last one either as "better than you at something", or "the BEST at something".

Maybe both. They don't really have to be the best, just better than you.
 
2020-10-12 1:27:28 PM  

born_yesterday: There is more dignity in offering an apology than in asking permission.

This is quite old and is usually phrased as "it's better to ask forgiveness than permission".

I recall reading that it had military origins, but who knows.
 
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