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(Slate)   "I'm 30 and very much feel physically, emotionally, and financially ready to start trying to have a baby; my husband says he's 70% ready. I realize now he is truly incompetent and unfit to be a parent. Should I still go through with having a kid?"   (slate.com) divider line
    More: Awkward, Family, Parent, obvious answer, much distance, 2-year-old, good person, own sake, Likely Terrible Co-Parent  
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562 clicks; posted to Discussion » on 21 Sep 2020 at 6:18 AM (4 weeks ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook



70 Comments     (+0 »)
 
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2020-09-20 10:12:55 PM  
Maybe dump him AND deprogram yourself from the toxic Puritan lie that women are devoid of meaning unless they squeeze out more environmental destructors.
 
2020-09-20 10:14:49 PM  
You never know. Children change people. Some for the worse, some for the better.
 
2020-09-20 10:18:11 PM  
Without reading the article... was deciding having a baby in the pandemic ever addressed?
 
2020-09-20 10:23:02 PM  
Eh, go for it. What could go more wrong?
 
2020-09-20 10:23:42 PM  
With buttsecks this would not be an issue..
 
2020-09-20 10:29:13 PM  

Nadie_AZ: You never know. Children change people. Some for the worse, some for the better.


Downside risk > upside potential, especially when one of the parents-to-be has already demonstrated that he's not good with responsibility, bad with stressful situations, and is hyper-sensitive to criticism.

If this was just a question of whether or not to marry the guy, in and of itself, the letter writer would be gambling her own stake in this.  Fine.  But this is creating a life, who is going to be subject to this situation growing up. Not to mention the not-so-unlikely divorce which will complicate things even further.
 
2020-09-20 10:29:56 PM  
You sound really self centered and selfish. It look like your assessment of your husband being being incompetent may be based on your inability to look past your own shallow personality and an inability to take other peoples opinions into consideration.

biatch.
 
2020-09-20 10:30:39 PM  

IgG4: With buttsecks this would not be an issue..


Yeah but since the woman wears the pants here. Her husband might not be comfortable with her strap-on.

If you both don't want children, don't do it. Get a puppy or something.
 
2020-09-20 10:31:51 PM  
Duh! Babby fix everything. Everybody knows that
 
2020-09-20 11:04:22 PM  
"I'm 30 and very much feel physically, emotionally, and financially ready to start trying to have a baby..."

Translation: the world's on fire let's make crotchfruit
 
2020-09-20 11:05:52 PM  
Fark user imageView Full Size
 
2020-09-20 11:06:13 PM  

Nadie_AZ: You never know. Children change people. Some for the worse, some for the better.



Fark user imageView Full Size
 
2020-09-20 11:57:09 PM  
ftfa: '(if he makes dinner), he makes mushy pasta with no vegetables. When I ask him to go to the grocery, he gets overwhelmed and leaves the store with half the list. When I ask him to plan our wake up/leave time for a trip, we invariably miss our flight.  And when I have an early meeting, I'll come home midafternoon to find that the dog hasn't been out at all yet.'

Sounds like someone married a mommy's boy who did everything for him.
On the bright side - if your ma-in-law did all that for him, have her move in.
Then she'll take care of your kid too.
 
2020-09-21 2:14:01 AM  
I'm just gonna go by the headline:
"If you want a baby that bad, you should always plan on raising it yourself. The real question is, do you want his sperm stick to fill up your womb?"
 
2020-09-21 3:52:19 AM  

IgG4: With buttsecks this would not be an issue..


Being gay is the deal right now.

I can plan my escape to Mexico without worrying about the kids.
 
2020-09-21 4:05:02 AM  

studebaker hoch: IgG4: With buttsecks this would not be an issue..

Being gay is the deal right now.

I can plan my escape to Mexico without worrying about the kids.


So give you ID card to the border guard
Your alias says your Captain John Luke Picard
Of the United Federation of Planets
'Cause they won't speak English any ways
 
2020-09-21 4:55:29 AM  
Why don't people think and talk about these things before getting married?
 
2020-09-21 4:56:37 AM  

I am Tom Joad's Complete Lack of Surprise: unless they squeeze out more environmental destructors


You. I like you. I now have another line to say to people when they ask why I don't want to have kids.
 
2020-09-21 5:18:43 AM  

bostonguy: Why don't people think and talk about these things before getting married?


Because hot and or genitals and or money.

Not love. Not kids. Just... Stuff.
 
2020-09-21 6:41:06 AM  
Why anyone would want to bring a kid into this dying world is beyond me.
 
2020-09-21 6:41:38 AM  
Dump him and move to Scandinavia. Then you can go to a sperm bank and pick what you want, and the state caps most child-related costs. You don't even need the illusion of requiring a live-in donor.
 
2020-09-21 6:45:01 AM  
puffy999:

Next time I'm not copying lyrics from Google without checking them.
 
2020-09-21 6:47:37 AM  

Pants full of macaroni!!: Why anyone would want to bring a kid into this dying world is beyond me.


No kidding.

That Vanilla ISIS asshat had the right idea. Just adopt kids and make them work your farm. It's win-WIN!
 
2020-09-21 8:13:12 AM  
No. Next question.
 
2020-09-21 8:18:29 AM  
Fake being pregnant and see what he does. If he doesn't immediately respond exactly as you would think he should exactly when you expect it, say you failed his test and dump him. If he changes then you have finally succeeded in making him the man you want and the entire future of your relationship will be nothing but sunshine and lollipops.
 
2020-09-21 8:28:21 AM  

Tr0mBoNe: Fake being pregnant and see what he does. If he doesn't immediately respond exactly as you would think he should exactly when you expect it, say you failed his test and dump him. If he changes then you have finally succeeded in making him the man you want and the entire future of your relationship will be nothing but sunshine and lollipops.


This guy gets it.  Having a child makes every single day with your spouse like this:

Sunshine, lollipops and rainbows
Everything that's wonderful is what I feel when we're together
Brighter than a lucky penny
When you're near the rain just disappears, dear


If having a child doesn't solve every single one of your life's problems, you're just bad at being a person.

/PS: You're not getting any younger. Tick-tock.
 
2020-09-21 8:30:35 AM  
no one needs kids.
 
2020-09-21 8:38:55 AM  
I read this as "I am an emotional wreck who likes to 'test' my husband so I can feel superior and I think having a baby would be the ultimate test.  He is not willing to outright tell me that he's not comfortable with this, so he is hedging by giving about the most non-committal response of "70%", which actually translates to "I'm about 30% ready to disappear from your life forever."

But maybe she's right and her husband is a stereotypical american sitcom manchild.
 
2020-09-21 8:42:10 AM  
Leave him. (he'll thank you for the favor)
 
2020-09-21 8:55:08 AM  
70%?

You're not ready to have kids.
 
2020-09-21 9:02:00 AM  
The world is in the shiatter and your kid will spend his/her childhood wearing a mask. Stop being a selfigh biatch and just to butt stuff.

And if you do get knocked up and think about having a gender party, fry in Hell.
 
2020-09-21 9:03:06 AM  

Mugato: The world is in the shiatter and your kid will spend his/her childhood wearing a mask. Stop being a selfigh biatch and just to butt stuff.

And if you do get knocked up and think about having a gender party, fry in Hell.


bad spelling. Just woke up and still drunk.
 
2020-09-21 9:07:51 AM  
OMG having children during a pandemic that will probably be over in a year. Oh noes.  Besides, Biden will probably be in office by then and all of our problems will be instantly solved.

I'm more concerned about a 30 year old man who can't navigate through a grocery store.
 
2020-09-21 9:16:16 AM  
TFA:I'm 30 years old and very much feel physically, emotionally, and financially ready to start trying to have a baby...

Oh, you have no idea what is coming at you.

No potential parent ever has, nor ever will.

Nor has any parent had any idea what is coming at them when they decide to have a second, third, or more.

It just plain doesn't work that way.

Pregnancy and children amplify your life.  Lows are lower, highs are higher, transitions between them are faster.  The hope is on the whole the average goes up and you get joy from it along with the frustration.  Anyone who says "I am ready to do this" is in for a world of hurt.  The most parents who have been most successful at that transition that I've seen have all been ones who go in saying "well, here goes nothing..." not "I am ready to do this".  The ones who are "ready" usually crash into those reality walls and get stuck.

Go in humble, it's important.

Oh, and TFA's husband sounds like he's a gamble with kids.  Either he'll get a good reality check and be able to improve himself for the kids, or he'll slack and she'll get saddled with even more to do.  This is true of all parents, but thinking about this description amplified, I'd say it's more of a gamble than the norm.
 
2020-09-21 9:16:26 AM  
Funny condom commercial
Youtube c_0bhT98g9Y
 
2020-09-21 9:58:40 AM  

TheGreatGazoo: OMG having children during a pandemic that will probably be over in a year. Oh noes.  Besides, Biden will probably be in office by then and all of our problems will be instantly solved.

I'm more concerned about a 30 year old man who can't navigate through a grocery store.


Can't or won't?

Because it also sounds like a man who's sick of his S.O.'s bullsh*t and she's assuming incompetence when it's really passive-aggressive malice. I get the sense she's writing the letter so that the failed relationship won't feel like her fault.
 
2020-09-21 10:37:49 AM  
Sometimes you marry someone who said all of the right things and worked towards your shared plans....then after the wedding, she can't hold a job and drinks heavily (but doesn't think it's a problem).

Don't have a child with this person. For all people involved, including future human, don't do it.
 
2020-09-21 11:00:24 AM  

MusicMakeMyHeadPound: TheGreatGazoo: OMG having children during a pandemic that will probably be over in a year. Oh noes.  Besides, Biden will probably be in office by then and all of our problems will be instantly solved.

I'm more concerned about a 30 year old man who can't navigate through a grocery store.

Can't or won't?

Because it also sounds like a man who's sick of his S.O.'s bullsh*t and she's assuming incompetence when it's really passive-aggressive malice.


Another possibility: He's neither incompetent nor malicious, but she's spinning a narrative to make herself the "good guy" here - which also leads perfectly into:

I get the sense she's writing the letter so that the failed relationship won't feel like her fault.

This.

Usually, the truth is that he could probably contribute more (or contribute better), but he's probably not nearly as bad as she makes him sound and she's probably not quite the martyr she makes herself out to be.

In any case, this relationship has run its course. She wants something he can't (or won't) provide. Adding a kid into the mix will only amplify that.  Move on now, it's best for both.
 
2020-09-21 11:52:19 AM  

TheGreatGazoo: OMG having children during a pandemic that will probably be over in a year. Oh noes.  Besides, Biden will probably be in office by then and all of our problems will be instantly solved.

I'm more concerned about a 30 year old man who can't navigate through a grocery store.


I've been doing curbside so long I might have forgotten.
 
2020-09-21 12:08:53 PM  
I don't believe her.
 
2020-09-21 12:19:53 PM  
Adopt a puppy.
 
2020-09-21 1:05:01 PM  

puffy999: puffy999:

Next time I'm not copying lyrics from Google without checking them.


Everybody knows that the world is full of stupid people
 
2020-09-21 1:07:38 PM  

sarajlewis83: puffy999: puffy999:

Next time I'm not copying lyrics from Google without checking them.

Everybody knows that the world is full of stupid people


So meet me at the mission at midnight....
 
2020-09-21 1:25:22 PM  

some_beer_drinker: no one needs kids.


Just what the hell else am I supposed to stock my freezer with?
 
2020-09-21 2:03:56 PM  

JohnnyApocalypse: Without reading the article... was deciding having a baby in the pandemic ever addressed?


There is a large chance that by the time she gives birth there will be a vaccine in common use, assuming she conceives today.
 
2020-09-21 2:04:49 PM  
I'm willing to believe her husband is a giant child, sure why not.  He's barely coping with the whole pressure of survival thing and is easily overwhelmed.  It seems like he has some serious depression/anxiety issues... and that's something that's very difficult for the non depressed anxious to deal with.

I've been on both sides of this issue.  My life was perfect for a long time, and everything was moving forward and onward and surmounting the next challenge and eating pressure for breakfast!  I couldn't even comprehend why my wife would be sad and it was just inexplicable to me why she'd behave "irrationally."

After the divorce and financial ruin, I ended up falling into decades of deep depression.  The rational half of my brain knew exactly what was happening and why, and about creating better patterns of behavior and reprogramming my brain with positive reinforcements... and the other half of my brain just said, "don't care, piss off, you can't make me."

So, it's time the letter writer took a deep dive into learning about anxiety/depression, and think about if she wants to continue this relationship.  She's not a trained therapist, she's not responsible for his mental health, she has to make a choice to continue on with him, or leave him to cope on his own.  I wouldn't judge her either way, it's a lot to deal with.  That said "Why the hell would you want to raise a child with a person who isn't being getting/responding to mental health treatment?  That's just setting everyone up for failure.
 
2020-09-21 2:05:55 PM  

Mugato: Mugato: The world is in the shiatter and your kid will spend his/her childhood wearing a mask. Stop being a selfigh biatch and just to butt stuff.

And if you do get knocked up and think about having a gender party, fry in Hell.

bad spelling. Just woke up and still drunk.


Well, here is an example of what a likely bad parent looks like: Waking up and still being drunk from the night before.

:-P
 
2020-09-21 2:09:04 PM  

Geotpf: Mugato: Mugato: The world is in the shiatter and your kid will spend his/her childhood wearing a mask. Stop being a selfigh biatch and just to butt stuff.

And if you do get knocked up and think about having a gender party, fry in Hell.

bad spelling. Just woke up and still drunk.

Well, here is an example of what a likely bad parent looks like: Waking up and still being drunk from the night before.

:-P


No, I'm drunk from when I started drinking when I first woke up.
 
2020-09-21 2:09:27 PM  

Geotpf: JohnnyApocalypse: Without reading the article... was deciding having a baby in the pandemic ever addressed?

There is a large chance that by the time she gives birth there will be a vaccine in common use, assuming she conceives today.


I think her getting sick in third trimester is more dangerous than baby getting sick.
 
2020-09-21 2:11:25 PM  

NkThrasher: TFA:I'm 30 years old and very much feel physically, emotionally, and financially ready to start trying to have a baby...

Oh, you have no idea what is coming at you.

No potential parent ever has, nor ever will.

Nor has any parent had any idea what is coming at them when they decide to have a second, third, or more.

It just plain doesn't work that way.

Pregnancy and children amplify your life.  Lows are lower, highs are higher, transitions between them are faster.  The hope is on the whole the average goes up and you get joy from it along with the frustration.  Anyone who says "I am ready to do this" is in for a world of hurt.  The most parents who have been most successful at that transition that I've seen have all been ones who go in saying "well, here goes nothing..." not "I am ready to do this".  The ones who are "ready" usually crash into those reality walls and get stuck.

Go in humble, it's important.

Oh, and TFA's husband sounds like he's a gamble with kids.  Either he'll get a good reality check and be able to improve himself for the kids, or he'll slack and she'll get saddled with even more to do.  This is true of all parents, but thinking about this description amplified, I'd say it's more of a gamble than the norm.


^this

Even when you think you have it under control after you have them, you don't.  The best thing my parents ever said to me about having kids was "Just when you think parenting your kids figured out, they grow and change.  Then you are back to square one again.  It's always an adventure, good and bad.
 
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