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(The Atlantic)   "My father is mild-mannered to the point of reticence; my mother is mercurial and can go from playful and loving to angry in a matter of minutes. I played mediator for years; now, my father is only happy when mom is gone. Should they get divorced?"   (theatlantic.com) divider line
    More: Awkward, Mother, Family, Marriage, Mother insult, Parent, parentified child, place of love, role reversal  
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211 clicks; posted to Discussion » on 01 Sep 2020 at 2:50 AM (13 weeks ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook



14 Comments     (+0 »)
 
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2020-08-31 11:37:23 PM  
Yes.
Mom will always be volatile.
Dad deserves some happiness.

I wish my parents divorced.
 
2020-09-01 1:09:54 AM  
If the kids are gone, then fine, enjoy your financial ruin on the cusp of a new great depression with your perfectly timed divorce.  If the kids are not all gone yet, then suck it up buttercup, they matter more then your happiness.
 
2020-09-01 2:11:36 AM  
They've been playing their roles for so long because they wanted to play that way

Looking in from the outside, it is obviously absurd

But for them, they can't imagine life any other way

So can predict that they will carry on, despite your imprecations, till death do them part
 
2020-09-01 2:57:09 AM  

Noctusxx: If the kids are gone, then fine, enjoy your financial ruin on the cusp of a new great depression with your perfectly timed divorce.  If the kids are not all gone yet, then suck it up buttercup, they matter more then your happiness.


In other words, divorce. Living with 2 unhappy parents isn't good for the kids.
 
2020-09-01 5:54:36 AM  

Noctusxx: If the kids are gone, then fine, enjoy your financial ruin on the cusp of a new great depression with your perfectly timed divorce.  If the kids are not all gone yet, then suck it up buttercup, they matter more then your happiness.


An atmosphere of anger, frustration, and resentment might be worse for the kids than divorce; sometimes it really is better than just "sucking it up".
 
2020-09-01 5:57:12 AM  

Ostman: Noctusxx: If the kids are gone, then fine, enjoy your financial ruin on the cusp of a new great depression with your perfectly timed divorce.  If the kids are not all gone yet, then suck it up buttercup, they matter more then your happiness.

An atmosphere of anger, frustration, and resentment might be worse for the kids than divorce; sometimes it really is better than just "sucking it up".


I'm the one who, at 14, told my dad that the "for the kid" stuff was bullshiat, that the truth was they were afraid of change, and that my parents marriage was an unhealthy nightmare and they needed to divorce.   They did, and he was much happier for it.
 
2020-09-01 6:28:54 AM  
I can imagine how hard it has been for you to see your parents cause each other so much pain.

WTF is this shiat? Mom's abusive and the columnist starts off with BSAB?
 
2020-09-01 6:31:45 AM  

Noctusxx: If the kids are gone, then fine, enjoy your financial ruin on the cusp of a new great depression with your perfectly timed divorce.  If the kids are not all gone yet, then suck it up buttercup, they matter more then your happiness.


This isn't the 1950s. Being with shiatty parents suck as much as being with divorced parents. The only reason you stick around is if you won't get the kids and you think money is more important.
 
2020-09-01 7:00:47 AM  
He said he has been thinking of divorce, unless something can change.

Relax, kid. Someday a dull thud will announce the end of your dad's problems, as he smashes his favorite claw hammer into the side that screeching harpy's head. Sure, it's going to take him a while to dismember her body and spread out all the pieces where the crabs like to gather, but the work will be therapeutic and the time in the fresh air will do him good.

Everyone in the neighborhood hates your goddamned mom, and not a single person will call the cops to report her missing. All the neighbors will take your dad under their wing, and invite him to dinners. A couple years from now they'll introduce him to a quiet woman from the next town who had a similar problem with an abusive husband. They'll live happily ever after.
 
2020-09-01 8:51:32 AM  
You can suggest anything you want, educate them about the options, but don't get your hopes up, and don't feel bad when it all turns to shiat.  You've done what you can, but you don't have the ability to make anyone else live how you want them to live.

You can have the best conversion ever, where you both agree on a game plan to get him to therapy, to safety, to self determination, both of you beaming with hope for the shining bright future you've envisioned... and the very next day, he'll have changed his mind because the two of them shared a tender moment/she bullied him back into compliance.

Unless you're emotionally and financially prepared to get a court to let you oversee his affairs, but even that will be a slap to his pride.
 
2020-09-01 10:19:09 AM  
sounds like my marriage
 
2020-09-01 10:33:11 AM  
The son is an idiot too - writing to a *monthly* magazine for therapy answers?
 
2020-09-01 10:45:38 AM  

Gulper Eel: I can imagine how hard it has been for you to see your parents cause each other so much pain.

WTF is this shiat? Mom's abusive and the columnist starts off with BSAB?


Yep, welcome to it.  Know of a similar situation, and anyone that talks about it is wishy washy and "Well maybe he..." as hell.  Just like spousal abuse.  Which in fact it tends to be.  Not necessarily with your fists, but with your mouth.  And like many cases, he is never, EVER going to leave.  He's convinced he's the asshole.  I knew allll about gaslighting long before it was news, because I had a sterling example in front of me.

/no, situation is not reparable
//yes, that is very unfortunate
///but trying to force help without a physical abuse component in the relationship is effectively impossible legally unless the verbal crap happens in public
////the 'smart' abusers keep it behind closed doors, and words leave no visible marks to others
 
2020-09-01 11:36:18 AM  
Yes
 
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