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(Slate)   "Can I tell my son his beloved dead grandmother was really a biatch?"   (slate.com) divider line
    More: Awkward, Family, Friendship, Interpersonal relationship, Pearl Jam, own parents, Bobby's mom, good relationship, Hard Place  
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517 clicks; posted to Discussion » on 11 Aug 2020 at 9:50 AM (6 weeks ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook



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2020-08-11 9:08:26 AM  
Let him overhear all about it at family gatherings in the future.

I always thought my one grandmother was a racist biatch, but I never said anything or she would drunk beat me with a hickory switch.

Later on in life, I came to discover that indeed, other family members felt the same way.
 
2020-08-11 9:17:15 AM  
 I would never say anything about her as long as my husband is still alive because I know it would cause a massive fight. But someday I would like to tell my son how much distress and pain she caused me.

She sounds pretty confident that she'll outlive her husband, and seems to think she'll have her opportunity soon.  I'd advise that guy to get out of there like it's the Amityville Horror house.
 
2020-08-11 9:18:19 AM  
"De mortuis nil nisi bonum." The Romans knew what they were talking about.

She's dead. She can't bother you anymore. Is your life so empty that you have to go around looking for things to be angry about?

Jeebus, let it go.
 
2020-08-11 9:31:07 AM  
Who writes to Slate for advice?  What kind of deranged narcissist seeks validation from a public forum?  Is it OK for me to feel this way?  Also, I think my best friend's wife is hot.
 
2020-08-11 9:31:35 AM  
Several of my relatives hated my grandmother. Never really gave a reason why. I always got along with her great!

I later realized they were all racist right-wing assholes and she wasn't.

Go farking figure.
 
2020-08-11 9:33:07 AM  
No let him figure it out, it's way more fun for everyone

If dead granny is still haunting her thoughts, might I suggest writing out what she wants to tell her son in a letter and seal it, as a sort of closure on the whole thing. Toss the sealed letter into a fire and move on with life
 
2020-08-11 9:33:59 AM  

pearls before swine: Who writes to Slate for advice?  What kind of deranged narcissist seeks validation from a public forum?  Is it OK for me to feel this way?  Also, I think my best friend's wife is hot.


You should ask Slate for advice in these matters
 
2020-08-11 9:34:13 AM  
I just learned that my beloved 105 year old pie making great aunt may have a similar relationship with the truth as Donald Trump does. It's.......disconcerting to say the least. But, I guess that I'd rather know than not.

/ her pies are still awesome sooooooo....I will take a slice of pie with lies. That is significantly better than no pies.
 
2020-08-11 9:47:27 AM  

Hubris Boy: "De mortuis nil nisi bonum." The Romans knew what they were talking about.


Well of COURSE the *Romans* are going to tell you that. Look where they are.
 
2020-08-11 9:48:01 AM  

iheartscotch: I just learned that my beloved 105 year old pie making great aunt may have a similar relationship with the truth as Donald Trump does. It's.......disconcerting to say the least. But, I guess that I'd rather know than not.

/ her pies are still awesome sooooooo....I will take a slice of pie with lies. That is significantly better than no pies.


Thanks, now I'm hungry for an apple pie.
 
2020-08-11 9:53:02 AM  
Fark user imageView Full Size


have grandma tell him about it
 
2020-08-11 9:53:55 AM  

no1curr: pearls before swine: Who writes to Slate for advice?  What kind of deranged narcissist seeks validation from a public forum?  Is it OK for me to feel this way?  Also, I think my best friend's wife is hot.

You should ask Slate for advice in these matters


Yahoo Answers is a veritable wealth of good advice. Just like Fark!
 
2020-08-11 9:59:18 AM  
I liked the last letter.

"I'm a sophisticated urbanite who buys expensive furniture, and my best friend of 20 years is a slacker mom with unruly children and no taste.  But honestly, I'm not a snob.  Anyway, how can I get money from her?"
 
2020-08-11 9:59:19 AM  

Merltech: iheartscotch: I just learned that my beloved 105 year old pie making great aunt may have a similar relationship with the truth as Donald Trump does. It's.......disconcerting to say the least. But, I guess that I'd rather know than not.

/ her pies are still awesome sooooooo....I will take a slice of pie with lies. That is significantly better than no pies.

Thanks, now I'm hungry for an apple pie.


Fark user imageView Full Size
 
2020-08-11 10:01:56 AM  

FrancoFile: I liked the last letter.

"I'm a sophisticated urbanite who buys expensive furniture, and my best friend of 20 years is a slacker mom with unruly children and no taste.  But honestly, I'm not a snob.  Anyway, how can I get money from her?"


If she felt so strongly about not having kids so that she would have nice things, she shouldn't have let them through the door.  Parks exist.  Arrange to meet there.  Everyone wins
 
2020-08-11 10:04:55 AM  
Damn, lady. Sounds like "everyone else" is the asshole in this milieu. If only there was an appropriate saying for this condition.
 
2020-08-11 10:07:14 AM  

Otera: FrancoFile: I liked the last letter.

"I'm a sophisticated urbanite who buys expensive furniture, and my best friend of 20 years is a slacker mom with unruly children and no taste.  But honestly, I'm not a snob.  Anyway, how can I get money from her?"

If she felt so strongly about not having kids so that she would have nice things, she shouldn't have let them through the door.  Parks exist.  Arrange to meet there.  Everyone wins she's going to be miserable no matter what because her self-worth is tied up in material shiat and her friend would be better off without her.

 
2020-08-11 10:07:39 AM  
My mom bad mouthed my paternal grandmother shortly after she passed.

It made me lose some respect for both of them.
 
2020-08-11 10:09:15 AM  

iheartscotch: I just learned that my beloved 105 year old pie making great aunt may have a similar relationship with the truth as Donald Trump does. It's.......disconcerting to say the least. But, I guess that I'd rather know than not.

/ her pies are still awesome sooooooo....I will take a slice of pie with lies. That is significantly better than no pies.


At 105 it might not be her fault.  She might simply not remember things accurately any more.
 
2020-08-11 10:11:12 AM  
Complicating factor here:   the son allegedly gets angry and belittles her and her parents (wtf?) while praising grandma.

I see a few possibilities here:

1.  The mom is exaggerating and seeing attacks that aren't there.
2.  The mom is not exaggerating, but the son has a legitimate grievance against the rest of the family.
3.  The son is messed up, perhaps turned against his family by messed-up grandma.

But if grandma really was nasty, I don't see why you can't just say so.  The son's in his 20s and he's supposed to be able to cope with being told facts.

CSB:   my grandma was this very meek person we visited on Christmas, Thanksgiving and Easter, who mostly just sat there being kindly and passive while grandpa played with the kids.  Once I reached adulthood, my mother revealed that grandma was actually a wicked, neurotic, shouty person who was always in screaming matches with everyone, hating on the kids and telling them she wished they were never born, etc.  Then one day she had a complete nervous breakdown, went to the hospital a while, and came back as meek and passive, her personality basically burned out of her mind.  That was the grandma we actually knew.

Mom didn't want to tell us when we were kids, but afterwards there was no reason not to let us know.
 
2020-08-11 10:24:39 AM  
So if say a kid had a good relationship with say John Wayne Gacy, according to this advice columnist you should just go ahead and let that kid think well of old john and not tell him what kind of person he really was

what kind of advice is that ? I mean thats right up there with well so and so is never racist to me so its ok.

next time the kid says something just say you have no idea who your grandma was and leave it at that.
 
2020-08-11 10:27:24 AM  
Why would you?
 
2020-08-11 10:30:28 AM  

no1curr: No let him figure it out, it's way more fun for everyone

If dead granny is still haunting her thoughts, might I suggest writing out what she wants to tell her son in a letter and seal it, as a sort of closure on the whole thing. Toss the sealed letter into a fire and move on with life


Oh, he's got it figured out. The advice writer must have skimmed over this line:

Often when he's angry with me, he will speak of her and how wonderful she was

The son is very aware of the friction between his mother and grandmother. He's just as passive-aggressive and codependent as the rest of this idiot family.
 
2020-08-11 10:32:46 AM  

Hubris Boy: "De mortuis nil nisi bonum." The Romans knew what they were talking about.


Sorry, my Latin's a bit rusty. Is that "boning the dead is never nice"?
 
2020-08-11 10:35:17 AM  
My mother was an only child.  She had six children.
I remember my grandmother (her mother) coming to live with us when I was very young.  I am the youngest child.
Then one day she was gone - she had died.
My grandmother's wish was to have her ashes thrown into the sea.
My mother threw them into the Detroit River adding "They will get there."
Apparently there was a lightning struck at the time they were thrown.
My mother did not like her mother.
 
2020-08-11 10:35:37 AM  

Geotpf: iheartscotch: I just learned that my beloved 105 year old pie making great aunt may have a similar relationship with the truth as Donald Trump does. It's.......disconcerting to say the least. But, I guess that I'd rather know than not.

/ her pies are still awesome sooooooo....I will take a slice of pie with lies. That is significantly better than no pies.

At 105 it might not be her fault.  She might simply not remember things accurately any more.


Apparently, she's been doing it for her entire life. That's not to say that she's doing it intentionally. My aunt, my great aunt's niece, tells big fish stories all the time.

For example: My Aunt will say that she's leaving to go to walk the Camino de Santiago; despite having cataracts, no understanding of Castilian Spanish and being significantly out of shape. She'll come back and tell us that she was "robbed" at the airport leaving, "robbed" at the hostel and "lost her passport". Yet, she's back in less than a week.

/ I suppose that it is possible that Spain paid the US to take her off of their hands.
 
2020-08-11 10:41:43 AM  

iheartscotch: Geotpf: iheartscotch: I just learned that my beloved 105 year old pie making great aunt may have a similar relationship with the truth as Donald Trump does. It's.......disconcerting to say the least. But, I guess that I'd rather know than not.

/ her pies are still awesome sooooooo....I will take a slice of pie with lies. That is significantly better than no pies.

At 105 it might not be her fault.  She might simply not remember things accurately any more.

Apparently, she's been doing it for her entire life. That's not to say that she's doing it intentionally. My aunt, my great aunt's niece, tells big fish stories all the time.

For example: My Aunt will say that she's leaving to go to walk the Camino de Santiago; despite having cataracts, no understanding of Castilian Spanish and being significantly out of shape. She'll come back and tell us that she was "robbed" at the airport leaving, "robbed" at the hostel and "lost her passport". Yet, she's back in less than a week.

/ I suppose that it is possible that Spain paid the US to take her off of their hands.


Oh wow, those are great whoppers.

Start with a really big lie, and then the other lies just nestle in around it like side dishes and garnish around a roast on your biggest serving platter.
 
2020-08-11 10:46:19 AM  

Hubris Boy: "De mortuis nil nisi bonum." The Romans knew what they were talking about.

She's dead. She can't bother you anymore. Is your life so empty that you have to go around looking for things to be angry about?

Jeebus, let it go.


That's a nice sentiment and all, but here you are in a thread about a dead grandmother, and the derangement is so strong there are multiple Trump posts. So no, people can't let shiat go - even for a single post.
 
2020-08-11 11:05:28 AM  

Dead for Tax Reasons: [Fark user image image 527x408]

have grandma tell him about it


Good call and also username checks out
 
2020-08-11 11:07:22 AM  
People are complicated, sugar coating their memory doesn't really help anyone any more than dragging them through the mud does.

My kids know that my paternal grandmother was a sweet little old lady who always made sure to have wafer cookies when we came to visit, fawned over the fact that their uncle rewired a lamp for her once, and was a huge hugger.

They also know that my paternal grandfather was absolutely great with young kids, used to pet our heads like cats (it worked for him in a weird way), and could do all the classic dad-gags like pulling a coin out of your ear and making this thumb separate etc flawlessly.

When they're a little older they'll also know that both of them told my father that they'd disown him if he started dating a Catholic friend of his in high school.


My kids know my father as a bus driver who always tries to protect kids near him, who delivers meals to hungry kids during the quarantine with his bus, who loves baseball and teaching them how to swing a whiffle ball bat, and who always gives them special mixed nuts when we visit (the kids love them for some reason).

When they're a little older they'll also know that my father is an extreme conservative and self avowed as "a bit racist".  They'll know that I once spent three months not speaking to him after he decided to rant about "sand n-words" to me.

They'll know that they are all people who were a complicated mixture of love and hatred.  Because that's what some people are, and knowing that is important towards knowing people.  I'm not going to deify my grandparents or my father for them, I'm going to humanize them.
 
2020-08-11 11:07:29 AM  

lizyrd: no1curr: No let him figure it out, it's way more fun for everyone

If dead granny is still haunting her thoughts, might I suggest writing out what she wants to tell her son in a letter and seal it, as a sort of closure on the whole thing. Toss the sealed letter into a fire and move on with life

Oh, he's got it figured out. The advice writer must have skimmed over this line:

Often when he's angry with me, he will speak of her and how wonderful she was

The son is very aware of the friction between his mother and grandmother. He's just as passive-aggressive and codependent as the rest of this idiot family.


You are one of the few non-lizard people here and actually understand human nature
 
2020-08-11 11:10:18 AM  

NkThrasher: People are complicated, sugar coating their memory doesn't really help anyone any more than dragging them through the mud does.

My kids know that my paternal grandmother was a sweet little old lady who always made sure to have wafer cookies when we came to visit, fawned over the fact that their uncle rewired a lamp for her once, and was a huge hugger.

They also know that my paternal grandfather was absolutely great with young kids, used to pet our heads like cats (it worked for him in a weird way), and could do all the classic dad-gags like pulling a coin out of your ear and making this thumb separate etc flawlessly.

When they're a little older they'll also know that both of them told my father that they'd disown him if he started dating a Catholic friend of his in high school.


My kids know my father as a bus driver who always tries to protect kids near him, who delivers meals to hungry kids during the quarantine with his bus, who loves baseball and teaching them how to swing a whiffle ball bat, and who always gives them special mixed nuts when we visit (the kids love them for some reason).

When they're a little older they'll also know that my father is an extreme conservative and self avowed as "a bit racist".  They'll know that I once spent three months not speaking to him after he decided to rant about "sand n-words" to me.

They'll know that they are all people who were a complicated mixture of love and hatred.  Because that's what some people are, and knowing that is important towards knowing people.  I'm not going to deify my grandparents or my father for them, I'm going to humanize them.


What do you suppose your son will one day say about you, that you were truly the most human? More human than human, even?
 
2020-08-11 11:11:58 AM  
Let's be honest here - no one born before 1990 is going to pass the required 'acceptably woke' litmus test.
It's best just to let them sanctimoniously cancel themselves into complete isolation from humanity.
 
2020-08-11 11:41:01 AM  
No.
 
2020-08-11 11:53:13 AM  
my grandmother was very nice.
 
2020-08-11 12:32:47 PM  
Both of my grandmothers are saints. Buuuut...they are both a bit racist and the one hates French people, for some reason. Meh, they are both in their 90s so it is not like arguing with a sweet old lady is going to make anyone happy, so we just roll with it. We did devil the one with the French hangup that we were going to name our youngest Andre for a bit, before going with Daniel. It was good for a few chuckles, at least.
 
2020-08-11 12:34:35 PM  

Fano: What do you suppose your son will one day say about you, that you were truly the most human? More human than human, even?


I won't ever face the Gom Jabbar, nor the spice agony, so I can't claim that title.

In seriousness, I would hope my kids can be critical of my failings and proud of my positive traits, especially to their kids should they become parents.  I would hope that they in their own way understand me the way I understand my father (and mother, for entirely different reasons and context), as a flawed human being.  Because that's what I am.
 
2020-08-11 12:37:30 PM  
No

Don't ruin the magic of childhood.

Maybe when the kid is in their 30s you can talk about what made grandma a bit complicated. However the writer is just trying to score points against grandma after she died by poisoning what sounds like a good relationship with her grandchild.
 
2020-08-11 12:41:34 PM  

NkThrasher: Fano: What do you suppose your son will one day say about you, that you were truly the most human? More human than human, even?

I won't ever face the Gom Jabbar, nor the spice agony, so I can't claim that title.

In seriousness, I would hope my kids can be critical of my failings and proud of my positive traits, especially to their kids should they become parents.  I would hope that they in their own way understand me the way I understand my father (and mother, for entirely different reasons and context), as a flawed human being.  Because that's what I am.


I hope I didn't come across as too mean.
I just hope future generations can find a way to understand the complexity of people.
 
2020-08-11 12:44:23 PM  
Fun fact : old people are just like young people : a whole lot are assholes.
 
2020-08-11 1:09:15 PM  

tamsnod27: Both of my grandmothers are saints. Buuuut...they are both a bit racist and the one hates French people, for some reason. Meh, they are both in their 90s so it is not like arguing with a sweet old lady is going to make anyone happy, so we just roll with it. We did devil the one with the French hangup that we were going to name our youngest Andre for a bit, before going with Daniel. It was good for a few chuckles, at least.


Was she from New England or something, and complained about the Canucks who came down to work the mills in the 20s?
 
2020-08-11 1:43:04 PM  

Fano: I hope I didn't come across as too mean.
I just hope future generations can find a way to understand the complexity of people.


Nope, just mean enough for Fark, if people around here are too nice I get suspicious.

That's pretty much my hope, too.  If we rose-tint memories of people then we always think that the here and now is terrible.  If we recognize people have always sucked in one way or another and always will suck in one way or another, then maybe we can have better expectations.
 
2020-08-11 1:52:51 PM  
I mean, I would definitely call the kid out on bashing the other grandmother. That is unacceptable unless she is awful too. But if the dead mother-in-law really was that bad, he will find out.
 
2020-08-11 2:57:36 PM  

FrancoFile: tamsnod27: Both of my grandmothers are saints. Buuuut...they are both a bit racist and the one hates French people, for some reason. Meh, they are both in their 90s so it is not like arguing with a sweet old lady is going to make anyone happy, so we just roll with it. We did devil the one with the French hangup that we were going to name our youngest Andre for a bit, before going with Daniel. It was good for a few chuckles, at least.

Was she from New England or something, and complained about the Canucks who came down to work the mills in the 20s?


No, that is the weird thing, she has lived her whole life in a nowhere area of West Virginia, doubtful she ever came into contact with anyone from France or Canada, she even hosted foreign exchange students from Asian countries a few times. I have no earthly idea what caused the animosity.
 
2020-08-11 3:25:53 PM  

oldfarthenry: Let's be honest here - no one born before 1990 is going to pass the required 'acceptably woke' litmus test.
It's best just to let them sanctimoniously cancel themselves into complete isolation from humanity.


It's a pretty simple 'litmus test'--don't be a dick on purpose, and if you are, apologize and learn from it. That's not hard because you're old, it's hard because you like being a dick and want to blame age instead of acting like a decent person.
 
2020-08-11 3:43:40 PM  

It'sMorphin'Time: oldfarthenry: Let's be honest here - no one born before 1990 is going to pass the required 'acceptably woke' litmus test.
It's best just to let them sanctimoniously cancel themselves into complete isolation from humanity.

It's a pretty simple 'litmus test'--don't be a dick on purpose, and if you are, apologize and learn from it. That's not hard because you're old, it's hard because you like being a dick and want to blame age instead of acting like a decent person.


And if an 'olds' accidentally says something that doesn't fit your definition of decency will you over-react & 'cancel' them? Who decides what is 'decent'?
 
2020-08-11 4:40:11 PM  

tamsnod27: FrancoFile: tamsnod27: Both of my grandmothers are saints. Buuuut...they are both a bit racist and the one hates French people, for some reason. Meh, they are both in their 90s so it is not like arguing with a sweet old lady is going to make anyone happy, so we just roll with it. We did devil the one with the French hangup that we were going to name our youngest Andre for a bit, before going with Daniel. It was good for a few chuckles, at least.

Was she from New England or something, and complained about the Canucks who came down to work the mills in the 20s?

No, that is the weird thing, she has lived her whole life in a nowhere area of West Virginia, doubtful she ever came into contact with anyone from France or Canada, she even hosted foreign exchange students from Asian countries a few times. I have no earthly idea what caused the animosity.


Did your grandpa get a bit frisky during WW2 while in Europe and then came home and like a dumbass told her about it?
 
2020-08-11 4:48:12 PM  

Recoil Therapy: tamsnod27: FrancoFile: tamsnod27: Both of my grandmothers are saints. Buuuut...they are both a bit racist and the one hates French people, for some reason. Meh, they are both in their 90s so it is not like arguing with a sweet old lady is going to make anyone happy, so we just roll with it. We did devil the one with the French hangup that we were going to name our youngest Andre for a bit, before going with Daniel. It was good for a few chuckles, at least.

Was she from New England or something, and complained about the Canucks who came down to work the mills in the 20s?

No, that is the weird thing, she has lived her whole life in a nowhere area of West Virginia, doubtful she ever came into contact with anyone from France or Canada, she even hosted foreign exchange students from Asian countries a few times. I have no earthly idea what caused the animosity.

Did your grandpa get a bit frisky during WW2 while in Europe and then came home and like a dumbass told her about it?


THAT may be why she won't reveal anything. He was in the European theater, so you may have that down. NOT discussing that with my mother, I can tell you. Might have my sisters broach that. Have a good day!
 
2020-08-11 5:24:32 PM  

Carousel Beast: Hubris Boy: "De mortuis nil nisi bonum." The Romans knew what they were talking about.

She's dead. She can't bother you anymore. Is your life so empty that you have to go around looking for things to be angry about?

Jeebus, let it go.

That's a nice sentiment and all, but here you are in a thread about a dead grandmother, and the derangement is so strong there are multiple Trump posts. So no, people can't let shiat go - even for a single post.


What version of Fark do you have?  I did a quick read of the previous posts, and found one mention of Trump, in passing, and a couple quotes of that post. Nothing even to do specifically with him.  Nowhere near "multiple Trump posts".
 
2020-08-11 9:30:10 PM  

oldfarthenry: It'sMorphin'Time: oldfarthenry: Let's be honest here - no one born before 1990 is going to pass the required 'acceptably woke' litmus test.
It's best just to let them sanctimoniously cancel themselves into complete isolation from humanity.

It's a pretty simple 'litmus test'--don't be a dick on purpose, and if you are, apologize and learn from it. That's not hard because you're old, it's hard because you like being a dick and want to blame age instead of acting like a decent person.

And if an 'olds' accidentally says something that doesn't fit your definition of decency will you over-react & 'cancel' them? Who decides what is 'decent'?


No, if you say something rude or malicious to another person, you either apologize like a sensible person and do better, or the rest of us stop talking to you. Just like all of history.
 
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