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(Rare.us)   National Park Service urges visitors not to push your slower overweight flat-footed friends down when running from bears in the forest just to save yourself   (rare.us) divider line
    More: Amusing, National Park Service, painful mouths of bears, Thumb, Friendship, better look, slower friends, Hunting, English-language films  
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2020-08-11 5:23:40 AM  
Speaking for flat-footed asthmatics who have put on weight lately.. thanks.
 
2020-08-11 6:25:26 AM  
Help the bear recognize you as a human. We recommend using your voice. (Waving and showing off your opposable thumb means nothing to the bear).

*Snert*
 
2020-08-11 8:45:20 AM  
Why would you waste the energy doing so? As long as you're faster than your slowest companion, you're fine.
 
2020-08-11 9:00:48 AM  
That's the amateur approach anyway, one that stinks of last-minute desperation borne from a lack of planning. A far better approach is to engineer one last rest stop as you near the park. Make sure everybody gets out and leaves the vehicle -- rest room, grab a bit to eat, take a stretch walk, etc. While they're gone, you go into your backpack and take out the supplies you've carefully sequestered there -- a big jar of peanut butter, a big jar of honey, and lots of crackers. Prepare about six peanut butter and honey-coated cracker sandwiches for each of your friends' backpacks. You'll put five of those in a little plastic Ziplock bag to make it look like you were thoughtfully preparing a snack, but don't seal it up all the way. Then you'll take the sixth one and crumble it into the very bottom of the backpack. Throw away the extra peanut butter, honey, and crackers when you're finished. Now each one of your friends is a primed and baited distraction for any bear encounters, and you can walk the woods in comfort and security.
 
2020-08-11 9:07:16 AM  
Ya ain't here for the huntin', are ya?
 
2020-08-11 9:07:45 AM  
Holy shiat that's actually the headline. Things must really be bad.
 
2020-08-11 9:08:20 AM  
Crank ABBA and drop your phone.
 
2020-08-11 9:08:20 AM  
Well, what's the point of having a fat friend, then?
 
2020-08-11 9:08:51 AM  
Why would you really need to push them if they are slower and fatter than you? I guess every little helps.
 
2020-08-11 9:10:12 AM  
Maybe I don't want to run. Maybe I'm bear-curious.
 
2020-08-11 9:10:33 AM  

Tyrone Slothrop: Well, what's the point of having a fat friend, then?


You sound gay.
 
2020-08-11 9:10:53 AM  
Didn't we just do this here?
 
2020-08-11 9:12:08 AM  

Pocket Ninja: That's the amateur approach anyway, one that stinks of last-minute desperation borne from a lack of planning. A far better approach is to engineer one last rest stop as you near the park. Make sure everybody gets out and leaves the vehicle -- rest room, grab a bit to eat, take a stretch walk, etc. While they're gone, you go into your backpack and take out the supplies you've carefully sequestered there -- a big jar of peanut butter, a big jar of honey, and lots of crackers. Prepare about six peanut butter and honey-coated cracker sandwiches for each of your friends' backpacks. You'll put five of those in a little plastic Ziplock bag to make it look like you were thoughtfully preparing a snack, but don't seal it up all the way. Then you'll take the sixth one and crumble it into the very bottom of the backpack. Throw away the extra peanut butter, honey, and crackers when you're finished. Now each one of your friends is a primed and baited distraction for any bear encounters, and you can walk the woods in comfort and security.


That's the last time I take you hiking.
 
2020-08-11 9:13:29 AM  
Bear mace is very effective.  Not for the bear, for whichever 'friend' you like the least.  They'll be irresistible to the bear as they flail about.
 
2020-08-11 9:14:01 AM  
Don't stop at using your voice to show that you're human.  Complain loudly about the trees obstructing your view of the mountain range, the upkeep of the porta-potties, the lack of quality merchandise in the souvenir store.  Show that bear that you're an American!
 
2020-08-11 9:14:22 AM  
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guess fark is only for the dumb dumbs south of us
 
2020-08-11 9:15:08 AM  
TFA says nothing about what shiatting yourself signals to the bear. I'm 99% certain I'd need my brown pants if I ever came across a bear in the woods.
 
2020-08-11 9:15:56 AM  

ImmutableTenderloin: Holy shiat that's actually the headline. Things must really be bad.


It's the NPS showing a bit of a sense of humor.

They hook you with the joke in order to get you to read the good advice about how to avoid wildlife conflicts.
 
2020-08-11 9:16:10 AM  

Billy Bathsalt: Don't stop at using your voice to show that you're human.  Complain loudly about the trees obstructing your view of the mountain range, the upkeep of the porta-potties, the lack of quality merchandise in the souvenir store.  Show that bear that you're an American!


Be sure to ask the bear to see his manager while you are at it.
 
2020-08-11 9:18:08 AM  
Just drop the pic-a-nic basket and walk away.
 
2020-08-11 9:18:29 AM  

Buttknuckle: Tyrone Slothrop: Well, what's the point of having a fat friend, then?

You sound gay.


well, they are pretty cuddly.

And your handle pretty much sounds a lot gayer than Tyrone's post.

/oblig nttawwt
 
2020-08-11 9:20:11 AM  

Billy Bathsalt: Don't stop at using your voice to show that you're human.  Complain loudly about the trees obstructing your view of the mountain range, the upkeep of the porta-potties, the lack of quality merchandise in the souvenir store.  Show that bear that you're an American!


My brother works at Yellowstone.  While Urban-Americans are a problem, apparently the worst are people from countries without any significant megafauna.  People from Europe and Asia, especially China, are the ones that tend to ignore (or not understand) the warnings and get *WAY* too close to the animals.

Especially the bison and elk.  Most people understand that bears can be dangerous (though some people still get too close), but bison and elk are just funny-looking cows, right?
 
2020-08-11 9:22:01 AM  

Nimbull: Billy Bathsalt: Don't stop at using your voice to show that you're human.  Complain loudly about the trees obstructing your view of the mountain range, the upkeep of the porta-potties, the lack of quality merchandise in the souvenir store.  Show that bear that you're an American!

Be sure to ask the bear to see his manager while you are at it.


popchrist.files.wordpress.comView Full Size


What do you mean, "no vacancy"?!?!  I want to see your manger!
 
2020-08-11 9:22:06 AM  

Mr_Vimes: Why would you really need to push them if they are slower and fatter than you? I guess every little helps.


Actually it can be counterproductive, assuming the friend is aware enough to play dead (and that the bear is attacking to defend territory, rather than hunting for delicious but decadent human flesh).  When you run, the bear's instinct is to chase. That instinct isn't triggered by an inert body on the ground so much as potential prey trying to get away, so after a cursory sniff it may bypass the friend and continue chasing you. And it will catch you, don't kid yourself.

At that point your best bet is to identify the type of bear. Do this by climbing a tree. If it's a black bear, it will climb up after you. If it's a grizzly, it will knock the tree down. The end result is the same, but it would be tragic for you to die with your mind filled with that unanswered question.
 
2020-08-11 9:22:57 AM  
This is at least the second and maybe the third time an article about this has come up on Fark
 
2020-08-11 9:23:07 AM  

dittybopper: Billy Bathsalt: Don't stop at using your voice to show that you're human.  Complain loudly about the trees obstructing your view of the mountain range, the upkeep of the porta-potties, the lack of quality merchandise in the souvenir store.  Show that bear that you're an American!

My brother works at Yellowstone.  While Urban-Americans are a problem, apparently the worst are people from countries without any significant megafauna.  People from Europe and Asia, especially China, are the ones that tend to ignore (or not understand) the warnings and get *WAY* too close to the animals.

Especially the bison and elk.  Most people understand that bears can be dangerous (though some people still get too close), but bison and elk are just funny-looking cows, right?


Huh, that's my ex's nickname.
 
2020-08-11 9:25:37 AM  
As a hungry bear myself, I would like to encourage all of you to please think about me and shove your fat flat footed friend to the ground.  After all, God helps those who help themselves.
 
2020-08-11 9:26:40 AM  
You know they're going to push you down given the chance.  They didn't get fat being thoughtful and courteous.
 
2020-08-11 9:27:29 AM  

Hey Nurse!: Maybe I don't want to run. Maybe I'm bear-curious.


Some people are the Polar opposite.
 
2020-08-11 9:28:26 AM  
Here, my fat bretheren.  You look fatigued.  Wipe your brow with my hankerchief.  Oh, that's just a little sexy bear hormones.
 
2020-08-11 9:29:10 AM  

Buttknuckle: Tyrone Slothrop: Well, what's the point of having a fat friend, then?

You sound gay.


Um, might want to check your user name before calling people gay, buttmunch.
 
2020-08-11 9:30:42 AM  

dittybopper: Billy Bathsalt: Don't stop at using your voice to show that you're human.  Complain loudly about the trees obstructing your view of the mountain range, the upkeep of the porta-potties, the lack of quality merchandise in the souvenir store.  Show that bear that you're an American!

My brother works at Yellowstone.  While Urban-Americans are a problem, apparently the worst are people from countries without any significant megafauna.  People from Europe and Asia, especially China, are the ones that tend to ignore (or not understand) the warnings and get *WAY* too close to the animals.

Especially the bison and elk.  Most people understand that bears can be dangerous (though some people still get too close), but bison and elk are just funny-looking cows, right?


Moose, bro.

Moose are more dangerous than bears. And not by a little. Far, far more people are injured by moose than bear, every single year in North America.

They've got poor eyesight, which means they're easily surprised by people & animals. And when surprised rather than flee they get farking belligerent & charge. Combine with being cool-looking & idiots wanting to get close and you get tramplings and gorings.
 
2020-08-11 9:30:55 AM  

Pocket Ninja: That's the amateur approach anyway, one that stinks of last-minute desperation borne from a lack of planning. A far better approach is to engineer one last rest stop as you near the park. Make sure everybody gets out and leaves the vehicle -- rest room, grab a bit to eat, take a stretch walk, etc. While they're gone, you go into your backpack and take out the supplies you've carefully sequestered there -- a big jar of peanut butter, a big jar of honey, and lots of crackers. Prepare about six peanut butter and honey-coated cracker sandwiches for each of your friends' backpacks. You'll put five of those in a little plastic Ziplock bag to make it look like you were thoughtfully preparing a snack, but don't seal it up all the way. Then you'll take the sixth one and crumble it into the very bottom of the backpack. Throw away the extra peanut butter, honey, and crackers when you're finished. Now each one of your friends is a primed and baited distraction for any bear encounters, and you can walk the woods in comfort and security.


This works.  Spent a few weeks in New Mexico, and our camp got attacked by bears regularly.  The guy who stashed some doritos lost his backpack on the 2nd day out.  Good thing he was away from them, climbing a mountain at the time.

Turns out, he just wanted everyone else to carry everything.  Which worked perfectly.  Bears found his stash, destroyed his pack, and he lived off of us for the rest of the trip.  So be wary of friends who take snacks with them out into bear country.  If they constantly leave their pack away from camp, they did it on purpose and should be tripped in the event of an attack.
 
2020-08-11 9:32:12 AM  

Unikitty: Buttknuckle: Tyrone Slothrop: Well, what's the point of having a fat friend, then?

You sound gay.

Um, might want to check your user name before calling people gay, buttmunch.


might have been fishing for a date.
 
2020-08-11 9:32:21 AM  
Many years ago I went to Northern Warfare school up in Alaska.  We went out to the middle of nowhere for the mountain phase and got our initial briefing from the sergeant assigned there.  In the Army you meet people from everywhere, and this guy was from backwoods Alabama, so picture this being done in the thickest, slowest Southern drawl you can imagine- it took about two minutes

Sergeant points at mountain behind him.  "See that hill?  Don't go up alone-  bears on that hill.  You see a bear, don't bother to run.  Bear's faster than you. Don't bother to climb.  Bears can climb.  Don't bother to swim.  Bears can swim."

"So what would you do sergeant?"

"I'd run.  Wouldn't do me no good, but I'd run."

And thus concludes your safety briefing.

/Most dangerous animal we had to deal with was a moose.  Don't get the boat between mama moose and baby moose, or "She'll come over and stomp the dogfark out of the boat"
 
2020-08-11 9:33:37 AM  

Nimbull: Billy Bathsalt: Don't stop at using your voice to show that you're human.  Complain loudly about the trees obstructing your view of the mountain range, the upkeep of the porta-potties, the lack of quality merchandise in the souvenir store.  Show that bear that you're an American!

Be sure to ask the bear to see his manager while you are at it.


Why isn't that bear wearing a mask and practicing social distancing?
 
amb [TotalFark]
2020-08-11 9:34:56 AM  
Last year on my visit with my parents in Wyoming, we went up to Yellowstone for a couple days. First time in my visits there that we saw a bear. It was probably 100+ yards from the road. Tons of cars had stopped and people got out to take pictures. Traffic was slow, so we just watched from our car for a bit. I figured let the other folks take the risk if they want. I was happy to just see one. Saw lots of the big animals that trip. Bear, deer (mule and white tail), bald eagles, bison, elk, and on the drive back to my folks house pronghorn antelope and big horn sheep. Didn't see any moose on the trip and haven't in a while. Maybe 10 years or more ago on a visit to Jackson saw a few outside Teton Village on the road to the park.

Don't mess around with bears, be safe. Also remember more people are injured by bison and elk every year at Yellowstone, than are by bears. Bison are the size of small cars and will trample you. Elk are pretty big and that giant rack of antlers is pretty pointy. All of them are faster than you, so give them some space.
 
2020-08-11 9:39:06 AM  
Don't forget the pepper spray and bells
 
2020-08-11 9:41:05 AM  

GregInIndy: dittybopper: Billy Bathsalt: Don't stop at using your voice to show that you're human.  Complain loudly about the trees obstructing your view of the mountain range, the upkeep of the porta-potties, the lack of quality merchandise in the souvenir store.  Show that bear that you're an American!

My brother works at Yellowstone.  While Urban-Americans are a problem, apparently the worst are people from countries without any significant megafauna.  People from Europe and Asia, especially China, are the ones that tend to ignore (or not understand) the warnings and get *WAY* too close to the animals.

Especially the bison and elk.  Most people understand that bears can be dangerous (though some people still get too close), but bison and elk are just funny-looking cows, right?

Moose, bro.

Moose are more dangerous than bears. And not by a little. Far, far more people are injured by moose than bear, every single year in North America.

They've got poor eyesight, which means they're easily surprised by people & animals. And when surprised rather than flee they get farking belligerent & charge. Combine with being cool-looking & idiots wanting to get close and you get tramplings and gorings.



In Yellowstone, bison are more dangerous than moose, bear, or elk, simply because there are more of them, and they don't give a fark.  A traffic jam in Yellowstone is more likely to be caused by a herd of bison than a car accident.


https://www.nps.gov/yell/planyourvisi​t​/safety.htm
Bison have injured more people in Yellowstone than any other animal. Bison are unpredictable and can run three times faster than humans. Always stay at least 25 yards (23 m) away from bison.
 
2020-08-11 9:41:38 AM  
Fark user imageView Full Size
 
2020-08-11 9:43:19 AM  
Learn to swim...
 
2020-08-11 9:43:40 AM  

FarkingSmurf: Bear mace is very effective.  Not for the bear, for whichever 'friend' you like the least.  They'll be irresistible to the bear as they flail about.


This.

There's also the "what you can't see (due to being blinded by bear spray) can't hurt you" factor.
 
2020-08-11 9:45:11 AM  
It's a good idea to make noise while you are hiking in bear country.  many hikers put small bells on there packs, that jingle with every step. bears have very keen hearing, and the bells greatly reduce the chances that you will come upon one who is surprised you suddenly appeared.

it's also a good idea to know what types of bears hand out in the area you are hiking in, as black bears and brown bears (grizzlies) pose very different threats.  Black bears are (mostly) shy and most likely won't want anything to do with you, while brown bears can be very aggressive.

one way to differentiate between the two -- without having to actual see one -- is by their scat.  Black bears eat a lot of berries, so their scat is full of seeds and husks.  Brown bear scat often contains small jingly bells.
 
2020-08-11 9:46:10 AM  

SuperChuck: Don't forget the pepper spray and bells


I brought bell peppers.

Fewer things to keep track of.
 
2020-08-11 9:47:32 AM  
external-content.duckduckgo.comView Full Size
 
2020-08-11 9:51:05 AM  
Well, what did I bring them for then?
 
2020-08-11 9:51:11 AM  

Wheyfaring Stranger: It's a good idea to make noise while you are hiking in bear country.  many hikers put small bells on there packs, that jingle with every step. bears have very keen hearing, and the bells greatly reduce the chances that you will come upon one who is surprised you suddenly appeared.


It's all fun and games until a bear thinks it hears a tasty raindeer walking down the trail.
 
2020-08-11 9:52:12 AM  
"If you define cowardice as running away
at the first sign of danger, screaming and
tripping and begging for mercy, then yes,
Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward."
- Jack Handey
 
2020-08-11 9:57:00 AM  

SuperChuck: Don't forget the pepper spray and bells


Aight, I'll post it for the 4 people on Earth who don't know the joke.

Montana Grizzly Bear Notice: In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the Montana Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in the field. We advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle the bears that aren't expecting them. We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity.

Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear poop. Black bear poop is smaller and contains a lot of berry seeds and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear poop has little bells in it and smells like pepper spray.
 
2020-08-11 9:57:25 AM  
Ms. Zinetti and I have spent many weeks in Yellowstone over the years.  We have seen few bears, even when hiking in more remote areas.  We have always been bear aware, and carried bear spray.  We even practice getting it out and once we even went all the way to getting it out and deploying it so we could see how far it would spray.  Bison and elk on the other hand, yikes, we have had far too many accidental encounters with them.  We like to fish, and more than once we have come around a bend, or a large willow only to find a bison less than a meter away from us.  We love going in the fall when the rut is on.  We know that elk or bison will fark you up.

While camping in the back country one year with another couple, a ranger came by our campsite.  He approved of our safety measures and gave us a piece of advice that we have heard from other rangers.  Travel in larger groups.  3 is the minimum.  His comment is the bear goes "1, 2, too many" and moves on.  Other bits of advice were really obvious like if you see a bear ahead on the trail, go a different direction, like back the way you came.  If you see fresh bear scat, don't hike that trail, go back and try it another day.  Really obvious stuff, but you would not believe how many people ignore that advice.
 
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