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(CBS 21 Harrisburg)   New York boy tells jokes to raise money for K-9 fund. Another joke thread, anyone?   ( divider line
    More: Amusing, New York boy, New York City, A. R. Rahman, New York, Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, Karthik, Blaaze, jokes  
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1484 clicks; posted to Main » on 09 Aug 2020 at 1:25 PM (6 weeks ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook

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View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

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2020-08-09 9:18:23 AM  
What do you call a man with no body and no nose?

Nobody knows.
2020-08-09 9:28:56 AM  
Thanksgiving Day was approaching, and a family had received a Thanksgiving card with a painting of a pilgrim family on its way to church. Grandma showed the card to her small grandchildren, observing, "The pilgrim children liked to go to church with their mothers and fathers." "Oh, yeah?" her grandson replied, "So, why is their dad carrying that rifle?"
2020-08-09 9:30:27 AM  
Josh frequently attends his church Bingo club, where every week a gag doorprize is given out. One week, Josh is presented with a toilet brush. "What the hell is this?" he asks the pastor. "Why, it's a toilet brush." "Ooh, I see," says Josh. A couple weeks later, the pastor jokingly asks Josh how the brush is working. "Well, it's okay, but I think I'll go back to using paper."
2020-08-09 9:31:50 AM  
Husband takes the wife to a disco. There's a guy on the dance floor busting moves - break dancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works. The wife turns to her husband and says: "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down." Husband says: "Looks like he's still farking celebrating!!"
2020-08-09 9:36:02 AM  
A man says to his wife, "Get ready you, me & the dog are going fishing." Wife says, "I dont want to go." Man gives her 3 choices, fishing, bj or take it up the a*se. Wife picks bj. After she sucking for a while she says, "It tastes like sh*t." Man says, "I know, the dog didn't want to go fishing either."
2020-08-09 9:48:21 AM  
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and found it somewhat below normal. The doctor asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed. "Breast fed," the woman replied. "Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor asked. She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination. Motioning for her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is under weight! You don't have any milk." "I know," she said, "I'm his grandmother."
2020-08-09 9:49:07 AM  
Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee. "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly? The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiing."
2020-08-09 9:50:34 AM  
A guy is sitting in a bar; absolutely drooling at a pretty young thing in her short, pink mini-dress. Using the time-honoured icebreaker, he sends her a drink. "How lucky am I," he thinks, as she gets up to come sit next to him. They strike up a wonderful conversation. Finally, the girl turns to him and says, "Look, you seem like a really nice guy, so I have to tell you that I'm a working girl. I get two hundred dollars for what you think you will ply out of me with liquor." He replies, "I have no problem with the money but, since you were so straightforward I must tell you that when I come, I go nuts. I bite, scratch, kick, punch, pull hair, break furniture, and just plain destroy the place." "Oh my God! How long does that last?" she asked. "Just until I get my two hundred bucks back," he replied.
2020-08-09 9:51:19 AM  
A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation. She's laid on a hospital trolley bed with nothing on, except a sheet over her. The nurse pushes the trolley down the corridor towards the operating theatre, where she leaves the girl on the trolley outside, while she goes in to check whether everything is ready. A young man wearing a white coat approaches, lifts the sheet up and starts examining her naked body. He puts the sheet back and then walks away and talks to another man in a white coat. The second man comes over, lifts the sheet and does the same examinations. When a third man does the same thing, but more closely, she grows impatient and says: "All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?" The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: "I have no idea. We're just painting the corridor."
2020-08-09 9:52:37 AM  
I went to the drug store and asked the guy where I could find the deodorant. He said, 'Do you want the ball kind?, and I said no, give me the kind that goes under your arms.
2020-08-09 9:53:57 AM  
Did you hear about the dog at the Flea Circus?

He stole the show.
2020-08-09 9:55:11 AM  
A young man goes into the Job Centre in Sydney, and sees an ad for a Gynaecologist's Assistant. Interested, he goes to learn more. "Can you give me some more details on this job?" he asks the clerk. The clerk pulls up the file and says, "The job entails getting the women ready for the gynaecological consult. You have to help them out of their underwear, lay them down, and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the examination. There's an annual salary of $75,000, but you're going to have to go to Perth - other side of the country." The man says "Oh is that where the job is?" The clerk says "No sir. That's where the end of the line is right now."
2020-08-09 9:56:59 AM  
Little Johnny was atschool one day, when he noticed that there was a large crowd of kids gathered around Little Billy. Little Johnny walks up to Little Billy and says "Hey what's all the excitement about", Little Billy says "Just showing everyone my new watch". Little Johnny goes "Wow, that's a cool watch where did you get it?" Little Billy says "Well, I walked in on my mom and dad having sex over the weekend, and my dad was so mad he gave me spanking and sent me to my room". The next day, he feel guilty about what he had done and went and bought me this cool Watch. This gives Little Johnny a good idea. Later that night, when Little Johnny was sent to bed, he stayed up listening and waiting for his mom and dad to go to bed. Once he starts hearing noises coming from their room he runs down the hall, throws their bedroom door open, and yells "I want a watch!" His dad looks over to Johnny and says "Well okay, but sit in the corner and be quiet!"
2020-08-09 9:57:51 AM  
At a conference on the supernatural, one of the speakers asked, "Who here has ever seen a ghost?" Most of the hands go up. "And how many of you have had some form of interaction with a ghost?" About half the hands stay up. "Okay, now how many of you have had physical contact with a ghost?" Three hands stay up; there's a slight murmur in the crowd. "Gosh, that's pretty good. Okay, have any of you ever, uh..., been intimate with a ghost?" One hand stays up. The speaker blinks. "Gosh, sir, are you telling us that you've actually had sexual contact with a ghost?" The fellow suddenly blushes and says, "Oh, I'm sorry,... I thought you said goat!"
2020-08-09 9:58:31 AM  
Mom was very upset when she found a bondage S&M magazine in her son's room. She showed it to her husband when he got home. He handed it back to her without a word. She asked him, "Well, what do we do about this?" "Well, whatever you do, don't spank him."
2020-08-09 9:59:38 AM  
A family walks into a hotel and the father goes to the front desk and he says "I hope the porn is disabled." The guy at the desk replies. "It's just regular porn you sick fark."
2020-08-09 10:00:45 AM  
A guy walks into an elevator and stands next to a beautiful woman. After a few minutes he turns to her and says, "Can I smell your p*ssy?" The woman looks at him in disgust and says, "Certainly not!" "Hmmm," he replies. "It must be your feet, then."
2020-08-09 10:02:02 AM  
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven." The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It's a candle", he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said. The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates." The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?" The Irishman replied, "These are Carol's"
2020-08-09 10:02:55 AM  
The other day while I was driving I saw a sign that said "Watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade".
2020-08-09 10:04:22 AM  
A guy stands over his tee shot for what seems an eternity: looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the damn ball!" The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot." "Forget it, man," says his partner. "You'll never hit her from here."
2020-08-09 10:05:09 AM  
A cab driver reaches the pearly gates. St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book and tells him to pick up a gold staff and a silk robe and proceed into Heaven. Next in line is a preacher. St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book, furrows his brow and says, "OK, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff." The preacher is shocked and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabbie!" St. Peter responds matter-of-factly, "This is Heaven and up here, we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed."
2020-08-09 10:06:27 AM  
A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception. She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said, "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these." The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped. I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your mommy probably calls your daddy all the time." Instantly, Little Johnny coughed his onto the floor and shouted, "Quick! Spit'em out! They're arseholes!"
2020-08-09 10:07:13 AM  
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
2020-08-09 10:07:56 AM  
Walking home after a girls' night out, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee. The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it. Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that. The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her panties!" "That's nothing," says the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between her butt cheeks that said, 'From all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you.'"
2020-08-09 10:10:28 AM  
Wife says I'm hopeless at fixing appliances. Well, she's in for a shock.
2020-08-09 10:11:28 AM  
A man went to get his driving license renewed. The local motor-vehicle bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man finally got his license. He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty angry in this picture." The woman beside him peered over his shoulder, then reassured him, "It's okay. That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."
2020-08-09 10:12:23 AM  
A woman invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to her six- year-old daughter and asked her to say the blessing. "I don't know what to say," the little girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say." Her Mother told her. The daughter bowed her head. "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
2020-08-09 10:13:18 AM  
A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips." The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."
2020-08-09 10:14:01 AM  
I bought a dog off a blacksmith today. As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.
2020-08-09 10:14:31 AM  
I used to date a girl that had her own taser. She's a real stunner.
2020-08-09 10:14:51 AM  
My friend has got a butler who only has one arm. Serves him right.
2020-08-09 10:15:51 AM  
A man walks into the dentist's office and after the dentist examines him, he says, "that tooth has to come out. I'm going to give you a shot of Novocain and I'll be back in a few minutes." The man grabs the dentist's arm, "no way. I hate needles, I'm not having any shot!" So the dentist says, "okay, we'll have to go with the gas." The man replies, "absolutely not. It makes me very sick for days. I'm not having gas." So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water, "here," he says. "Take this pill." The man asks "What is it?" The doc replies, "Viagra." The man looks surprised, "will that kill the pain?" he asks. "No," replies the dentist, "but it will give you something to hang on to while I pull your tooth!"
2020-08-09 10:18:40 AM  
Thanks everybody and good night!!!

Be sure to buy Total Fark, Bare Fark and an Oh Fark badge!
2020-08-09 12:13:56 PM  
I wondered why he baseball was gettig bigger.

Then it hit me.
2020-08-09 1:38:22 PM  
What do you tell a black person who's doing absolutely nothing wrong?


fark that dog, fark those pigs, and honestly fark that kid and his family
2020-08-09 1:38:39 PM  
What's got 4 legs and bites black people?
2020-08-09 1:43:00 PM  
I tried to explain to my kids that it's perfectly okay have an accident and poop your pants, but that doesn't stop them from making fun of me :(
2020-08-09 1:45:27 PM  
A little bit raises money for law enforcement gear.

That's the joke.
2020-08-09 1:48:45 PM  
I doubt we'd ever be allowed / there would be mass banninations but an Aristocrats contest would kick ass here.

Someone would have to be responsible for screenshots as our posts are taken down as they go up.
2020-08-09 1:53:47 PM  
Notre Dame's bell ringer passed away. So they posted the position and a man came in with no arms wanting the job. The clergy weren't sure he could do it, but he convinced them to let him try it.
They climbed the bell tower and the guy ran toward the bell and hit it with his head. They gave him the job.

The next day he went to ring the bell, tripped, bounced off the bell and fell 75 feet to the sidewalk below. Two priests were walking past.

One asked, "Do you know this guy?"
The second guy responded, "No, but his face rings a bell."

The next day, the dead bell ringer's twin brother comes in for the again vacant bell ringer position. He also has no arms. They lead him up to the bell tower, he too runs at the bell, trips and falls 75 feet to the sidewalk below.

The same two priests walk by.

The first asks, "Do you know him?"
The second priest responds, "No, but he's a dead ringer for the guy we saw yesterday."
2020-08-09 1:54:42 PM  
What do you call a car-splattered deer along the interstate? A cantaloupe!
2020-08-09 1:56:06 PM  
How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but it has to WANT to change
2020-08-09 1:59:10 PM  
Two parrots on a perch, one turns to the other and says 'Can you smell fish?'
2020-08-09 1:59:41 PM  
Two peanuts were walking down the road.  One was assaulted.
2020-08-09 2:00:19 PM  
How do you know a dragon has visited your farm?

Your crops are on fire and your livestock is dead. It's not a joke, dragon attacks are devastating.
2020-08-09 2:03:08 PM  
Knock knock

Who's there?


NYPD who?


/I'm with Super_pope, F the police.
2020-08-09 2:04:28 PM  

Salmon: I doubt we'd ever be allowed / there would be mass banninations but an Aristocrats contest would kick ass here.

Someone would have to be responsible for screenshots as our posts are taken down as they go up.

We've been doing that for hours.  You must be slow on the refresh.
2020-08-09 2:06:09 PM  
A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer, bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve food here."
2020-08-09 2:10:38 PM  
[Somewhat sexist but feel free to alter to any dysfunctional relationship you like]

A guy gets home from work and is greeted at the door by his wife.  He says "Let me get a beer before it starts." So he grabs a beer and downs it quickly. His wife says "Listen I need to talk to you..." He says "Hold on let me get another before it starts." He grabs a beer and downs that too. She says "It's always something with you. You come home late, you're all dirty, the grass needs cutting and the garbage needs to go out..."

"It's starting." he says.
2020-08-09 2:13:33 PM  
A priest and a rabbi are in a lifeboat with a class of eighth graders when the boat springs a leak.

"Let's swim for it!" shouts the rabbi to the priest.

"But what of the children?" the priest demands, aghast.

"fark the children!" the rabbi proclaims.

The priest replies, "Okay, but I don't think there's time."
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