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(Slate)   "My husband and his ex-wife divorced after he said he didn't want kids. When he met me, I said I might want a kid; we just welcomed our baby boy. His ex left me a crazy voicemail saying he took her child-bearing years from her. Should I ignore it?"   (slate.com) divider line
    More: Creepy, Marriage, Family, husband's opposition, own husband, Pandemics Make Emotions Weird, Heather Kirn Lanier, own friends, baby boy  
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506 clicks; posted to Discussion » on 06 Jul 2020 at 3:51 AM (4 weeks ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook



35 Comments     (+0 »)
 
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest
 
2020-07-05 11:08:17 PM  
Oh, hell no, we want you to tweet it live as the two of you debate this.
 
2020-07-05 11:45:21 PM  
"I'll have the boiled rabbit."
 
2020-07-06 12:04:09 AM  
How many different ways do you need us to say "Yes?"
 
2020-07-06 12:22:43 AM  
I can see why she feels that way and I feel bad for her that she feels she wasted her shot at having a kid. But at the same time, it's more than just a little nuts to be communicating with the new woman. 

Some people be insane.
 
2020-07-06 1:19:56 AM  
Mostly. Document everything in case you need a restraining order.
 
2020-07-06 2:34:23 AM  
Should you ignore it? Yes.
Will you? No.
 
2020-07-06 4:46:03 AM  
"My husband and his ex-wife divorced after he said he didn't want kids." ... with her.
 
2020-07-06 7:07:04 AM  

propasaurus: Should you ignore it? Yes.
Will you? No.


Which is why the VM was left in the first place. It's one last jab at the ex by proxy. Even if you don't do anything publicly, the disruption is there for the next few years.
 
2020-07-06 7:29:16 AM  
Give her your kid and have another for yourself. Fair is fair.
 
2020-07-06 7:42:20 AM  

Mr_Vimes: "My husband and his ex-wife divorced after he said he didn't want kids." ... with her.


Sounds to me like he dodged a bullet, mostly.  He did marry her after all.

However, my ex gaslighted me well while we were dating, so who am I to throw stones
 
2020-07-06 7:43:27 AM  
Try and contract a terrible disease and die horribly, that may make the ex feel better.


/or do what was suggested: leave the poor woman alone
 
2020-07-06 8:04:09 AM  
Another round of rage, bartender. And keep it coming.
 
2020-07-06 8:18:50 AM  
Have several shots first, then talk it over with your friends. Let the rage build for a couple hours, then call her at 2 AM to discuss things. That always works out well in the end.
 
2020-07-06 8:48:22 AM  
I can see her being a bit pissed.  OTOH, she's drunk ranting at the wrong person.

Why does she have your phone number?
 
2020-07-06 8:59:45 AM  
The way I see it, you have two good options here:

1) Don't engage the crazy - ignore it, block her from contacting you however you wish.

2) Troll the living shiat out of her - Personally, this is the option I'd pick, but then again, I'm an a-hole.
 
2020-07-06 9:49:46 AM  
Tell her how amazing it feels to be a Mom.  Now that you have a child, you feel complete.  You didn't even know something was missing until you had you kid, and now the world is a different, better place.
 
2020-07-06 10:21:05 AM  

Atomic Jonb: Tell her how amazing it feels to be a Mom.  Now that you have a child, you feel complete.  You didn't even know something was missing until you had you kid, and now the world is a different, better place.


Don't forget to send lots of baby pictures!

Anonymous Mother's Day cards to her each year should tip her over the edge too!
 
2020-07-06 11:09:30 AM  
The first wife honored his wishes, used birth control and didn't trap him with an unwanted pregnancy.  Then they divorced over the issue.

Did the rant come about because 1st wife assumes 2nd wife got away with ignoring his wishes, went off her birth control and had a kid and it turned out okay ( to first wife's surprise) ?
 
2020-07-06 11:49:01 AM  
The ex is angry: Just ignore her unless it becomes persistent, it isn't rocket science.You needed to write an advice columnist?

Special needs: Keep to your place and offer support.You needed to write an advice columnist?

Pregnant and Paranoid: If you're not comfortable, don't visit. You needed to write an advice columnist?

New mommy separation anxiety: Oh FFS he'll be in a crib, you're not placing the kid in a gladiator pit. Still, whatever, just be prepared for dad to move to a different bed.

Last one is hilarious. The oldest the wife did much the same thing, wanted the kid right next to her. Unfortunately that meant I didn't get any sleep either, and so I moved to different bed for a few weeks. Why only a few weeks? My wife decided I was better company than a squealing infant, and she was a SAHM who listened to the kid squeal all day already. Yes, that one did little more than cry non-stop for the first year or so. We seriously questioned having anymore kids lol. I used to take the kid downstairs, to the basement, she was on the second floor, so she could get some uninterrupted sleep. That kid could scream for hours... Thank goodness the rest weren't nearly as fussy.
 
2020-07-06 12:13:14 PM  
Well since you got pregnant you failed at taking the butt stuff advice, why should I trust you to take any other advice I give you?
 
2020-07-06 12:33:51 PM  
For Goodness' sake, don't ignore her.  Write her a heartfelt letter, explaining that she just wasn't *good enough* to have kids with your husband.  Include a picture of Nelson "Ha Ha" Muntz from The Simpsons.  She'll understand, and never bother you again.
 
2020-07-06 12:43:06 PM  
Call her back.  Be kind, gentle, and let her calmly but firmly that your husband simply had no interest in having a child at that time in his life, with "that barren soul sucking harpy beotch.".  That should smooth things over.
 
2020-07-06 12:49:30 PM  
She should start a mommy blog, and dedicate it to "his ex, who helped guide him to the best days of my life."
 
2020-07-06 1:10:24 PM  

Cafe Threads: Oh, hell no, we want you to tweet it live as the two of you debate this.


Lol the rare smart and funny!
 
2020-07-06 1:53:10 PM  

vygramul: I can see why she feels that way and I feel bad for her that she feels she wasted her shot at having a kid. But at the same time, it's more than just a little nuts to be communicating with the new woman. 

Some people be insane.


I think you captured my sentiments.
Recently I've been thinking about such women, told that they should pursue education, then get a job, then make a career out of it, then realize it might be getting to late to healthily and safely have a baby.
The societal pressures on women in these regards are almost unattainable; having it all, and looking good while doing so.

Of course, not all women want (or should) have babies, but the majority I've seen do.
There's a whole industry of in-vitro built around this.

There are some articles on the net that are painful to read, with one describing her life with her husband, both wanting children and unable to, as akin to having lost a child they never had.

We really should be taking a fresh look at society and its frameworks and structures. One that enables more balance in people's lives.
 
2020-07-06 2:18:26 PM  
Your husband showed poor judgement in marrying her but excellent judgement in not knocking her up.  Biatch be cray cray.
 
2020-07-06 2:27:13 PM  

I am Tom Joad's Complete Lack of Surprise: "I'll have the boiled rabbit."


Welcome to my Favorites list.  What color would you like?
 
2020-07-06 2:36:15 PM  

Rann Xerox: I am Tom Joad's Complete Lack of Surprise: "I'll have the boiled rabbit."

Welcome to my Favorites list.  What color would you like?


Royal Purple
 
2020-07-06 2:44:20 PM  

Resident Muslim: Recently I've been thinking about such women, told that they should pursue education, then get a job, then make a career out of it, then realize it might be getting to late to healthily and safely have a baby.


i.ytimg.comView Full Size
 
2020-07-06 3:01:10 PM  

turboke: Resident Muslim: Recently I've been thinking about such women, told that they should pursue education, then get a job, then make a career out of it, then realize it might be getting to late to healthily and safely have a baby.

[i.ytimg.com image 850x478]


I smiled at the memory of the movie, but it's true.
Here is a couple that is smart, and played by society's rules and achieved "success" and suddenly have something missing in terms of on of the "biological imperatives".

/yes, I'm semi-trolling the "it was my choice" crowd
 
2020-07-06 3:57:35 PM  

Resident Muslim: /yes, I'm semi-trolling the "it was my choice" crowd


There's a difference between "choice" and "opportunity cost".

You actively chose to have no children? You have my full respect. You are right. (I have children, by choice. I'm also right. It isn't mutually exclusive.)

You have, well I guess "non-buyer's" remorse? You have my full respect. Regret sucks. But if regret is killing you, you might have been wrong.
 
2020-07-06 6:19:02 PM  

I am Tom Joad's Complete Lack of Surprise: Rann Xerox: I am Tom Joad's Complete Lack of Surprise: "I'll have the boiled rabbit."

Welcome to my Favorites list.  What color would you like?

Royal Purple


*click* *click* *click*

Fark user imageView Full Size
 
2020-07-06 8:15:56 PM  
Saying the ex-wife is crazy is a bit harsh. She made a mistake akin to drunk dialling an ex. Lashing out when you're in pain my not be wise, but it's not mental illness territory.

Fortunately I missed out on the biological urge to breed, and am definitely child free by choice. Yet I can still muster a bit more empathy for this unfortunate woman who has missed out on a significant life goal. My imagination can stretch far enough to recognise that this probably hurts, a lot.

Give the ex-wife a pass, she is suffering as it is. The new wife she can stfu and enjoy her good fortune without rubbing it into anyone's face.
 
2020-07-06 11:50:10 PM  

stan unusual: How many different ways do you need us to say "Yes?"


media-amazon.comView Full Size
"I say we let her go"
 
2020-07-07 1:22:03 PM  
Relationships are formulatic.  So, you make the call.

18 - Graduate High School, If you have kids here, it's too early, you will always have money problems unless you bag someone older that has money.
22 - College Graduate / Career Training finished - Now you need to put in 5 years to get your professional experience for a career.  If you didn't get solid relationship prospects during College, now you need to work on finding someone solid, and it's going to be really hard.
27 - Prime Kid-Having age.  You are now an experienced professional.  You are going to start making money.  You have education, a few years of experience.  If you had any hiccups, now is the time to iron them out. Have a partner and get everything going, good time to take a break for kids.
32 - School age kids.  If you took a break for kids, now you can get back into the work force.  If you are just starting on kids, it's a bit late, but better late than never.
45 - Look, the people who had kids "on track" are now done, and are hitting "empty nest" phase.  This is the "oops" track, the "I changed my mind about not having kids", "Those empty-nesters have awesome kids, WTF?", "Grass is always greener".

So, in short, if you both decided that you didn't want kids and were together between the ages of 22 and 35, that was prime child bearing years.  If one person unilaterally decided against having children, the other person has the choice to leave the relationship and find someone who is on board with having children.  The internet is at your disposal and it is a free country.  So that phone call is someone lashing out for a decision they made that they are now regretting.  Let them vent, buy a very large dog, and sleep with one eye open.

Now, I just found out that there is a "Taco Bell Quarterly" which is a "Literary Magazine for the Taco Bell Arts and Letters".  I'm not sure if that is the most awesome or the most saddest thing I have ever heard in my life.  The last time I had that kind of conundrum I was at a Taco Bell drive through at 1:30 AM with friends when one of them, intoxicated, read aloud the sign "Taco Bell, the best choice you'll make all day" and pontificated about poor life choices and Taco Bell and how many people that would be true for.  Including us being at the drive through at 1:30 AM.
 
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