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130 clicks; posted to Discussion » on 25 Jun 2020 at 2:20 PM (2 weeks ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook



43 Comments     (+0 »)
 
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest
 
2020-06-25 11:54:39 AM  
i.pinimg.comView Full Size
 
2020-06-25 11:58:22 AM  
Boss: "How good are you at PowerPoint?"
Me: "I Excel at it."
Boss: "Was that a Microsoft Office pun?"
Me: "Word"
 
2020-06-25 11:59:22 AM  
What do you call a pig with three eyes?


A piiig
 
2020-06-25 12:16:24 PM  
So Stephen Hawing walks into a bar...just kidding.
 
2020-06-25 12:17:45 PM  
And I misspelled his name. OK, let's try a different one...


What has four legs and one arm? A Doberman in a playground!
 
2020-06-25 12:26:40 PM  
A guy walks into a bar, and sees a pirate, grimacing in pain, drinking, and he has a ship's wheel sticking out of his crotch.

The guy says "Man, I've never seen anything like that before.  That has to hurt!"

The pirate says "ARRRR, yes, it's drivin' me nuts!!"
 
2020-06-25 12:43:54 PM  
What did the zero say to the eight?


...

...

...

...

...

Nice belt!
 
2020-06-25 12:48:55 PM  

markie_farkie: A guy walks into a bar, and sees a pirate, grimacing in pain, drinking, and he has a ship's wheel sticking out of his crotch.

The guy says "Man, I've never seen anything like that before.  That has to hurt!"

The pirate says "ARRRR, yes, it's drivin' me nuts!!"


So, this dyslexic walks into a bra...
 
2020-06-25 1:02:37 PM  
Fark user imageView Full Size
 
2020-06-25 1:18:34 PM  

King Something: [Fark user image image 755x771]


That's not funny, that's sick
 
2020-06-25 1:24:16 PM  

MaudlinMutantMollusk: King Something: [Fark user image image 755x771]

That's not funny, that's sick


Well, yeah. This thread is about bad jokes, right?
 
2020-06-25 1:59:38 PM  
What does a cheap hotel and a speedo have in common?

No ball room
 
2020-06-25 2:01:49 PM  
A software tester walks into a bar. Orders a beer. Orders 0 beers. Orders 99999999999 beers. Orders a lizard. Orders -1 beers. Orders a ueicbksjdhd.
First real customer walks in and asks where the bathroom is. The bar bursts into flames, killing everyone.
 
2020-06-25 2:05:32 PM  

King Something: MaudlinMutantMollusk: King Something: [Fark user image image 755x771]

That's not funny, that's sick

Well, yeah. This thread is about bad jokes, right?


This is about some levity in otherwise very somber, sad times.
 
2020-06-25 2:13:11 PM  

bobug: King Something: MaudlinMutantMollusk: King Something: [Fark user image image 755x771]

That's not funny, that's sick

Well, yeah. This thread is about bad jokes, right?

This is about some levity in otherwise very somber, sad times.


Fark user imageView Full Size
 
2020-06-25 2:17:51 PM  
I got some bad nautical jokes, and am always looking for more.

Hey, so, I heard the other day that 3.14 percent of sailors are pi rates.

Why do seagulls fly over the sea?  Coz if they flew over the bay, the'd be bagels!

Why is pirating addictive?  Coz once ye lose yer first hand, ye get hooked!

How much did the pirate pay for his piercings?  A buck-an-ear!
 
2020-06-25 2:18:20 PM  
Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain.  This captain was very successful at what he did; for years he guided merchant ships all over the world.  Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him.  He was admired by his crew and fellow captains.  However, there was one thing different about this captain. Every morning he went through a strange ritual.  He would lock himself in his captain's quarters and open a small safe.  In the safe was an envelope with a piece of paper inside.  He would stare at the paper for a minute, and then lock it back up. After, he would go about his daily duties.  For years this went on, and his crew became very curious.  Was it a treasure map?  Was it a letter from a long lost love?  Everyone speculated about the contents of the strange envelope.  One day the captain died at sea.  After laying the captain's body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew into the captains' quarters.  He opened the safe, got the envelope, opened it and... The first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the others.  Four words were on the paper, two each on two lines:

Port Left, Starboard Right
 
2020-06-25 2:20:03 PM  
What detergent do sailors use to wash their skivvies?  Tide.

A boat carrying red paint crashed into a boat carrying blue paint.  The crews were marooned.

Two sailors are talking.  The first one says, "I hear fish is good brain food!"  The other says, "Yeah!  I eat it all the time!"  The first one says, "Ar...there goes another theory..."

A landlubber tries his hand at sailing.  He finds his way on a crew.  He asks the skipper, "Do ships like this sink often?"  The cap'n replies, "No...usually it's just once."
 
2020-06-25 2:21:31 PM  
Makin' someone walk the plank is definitely going overboard.

Trying to make a boat out of stone would be a hardship.
 
2020-06-25 2:27:28 PM  
The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she'd send her husband a text while she was out having coffee with a friend. She texted:

If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.

If you are laughing, send me your smile.

If you are eating, send me a bite.

If you are drinking, send me a sip.

If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.

The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back:

I'm on the toilet.
Please advise.
 
2020-06-25 3:58:10 PM  
Fark user imageView Full Size
 
2020-06-25 3:59:26 PM  
I heard Oscar Pistorius wanted to remodel the door to his bathroom, but his girlfriend was dead against it.

/sorry, that ones dark.
 
2020-06-25 4:00:38 PM  

xanadian: I got some bad nautical jokes, and am always looking for more.

Hey, so, I heard the other day that 3.14 percent of sailors are pi rates.

Why do seagulls fly over the sea?  Coz if they flew over the bay, the'd be bagels!

Why is pirating addictive?  Coz once ye lose yer first hand, ye get hooked!

How much did the pirate pay for his piercings?  A buck-an-ear!


Why do young pirates always fail when saying the alphabet in kindergarten?
Because their fathers insist that there are seven Cs!!!!
 
2020-06-25 4:04:23 PM  

gopher321: So Stephen Hawing walks into a bar...just kidding.


Stephen Hawking looked up to me...
 
2020-06-25 4:06:00 PM  

akya: I heard Oscar Pistorius wanted to remodel the door to his bathroom, but his girlfriend was dead against it.

/sorry, that ones dark.


hasn't a leg to stand on...
 
2020-06-25 4:19:57 PM  

akya: I heard Oscar Pistorius wanted to remodel the door to his bathroom, but his girlfriend was dead against it.

/sorry, that ones dark.


Lol. I shouldn't have laughed at that but here's a funny vote...
 
2020-06-25 4:38:53 PM  
i.pinimg.comView Full Size
 
2020-06-25 5:06:07 PM  
cdn.ebaumsworld.comView Full Size
 
2020-06-25 5:40:22 PM  

nanim: [i.pinimg.com image 700x700]


Ricky can't pronounce "jalapeno" -Trailer park boys-
Youtube bL10zdEmKoI
 
2020-06-25 6:08:03 PM  
i.pinimg.comView Full Size
 
2020-06-25 6:39:53 PM  
Q:  What's a buccaneer?

A:  Too much to pay for corn
 
2020-06-25 9:26:18 PM  
What do you call people you like going to new restaurants with?

Your taste buds.
 
2020-06-25 10:12:12 PM  

KC Dutchman: Boss: "How good are you at PowerPoint?"
Me: "I Excel at it."
Boss: "Was that a Microsoft Office pun?"
Me: "Word"


At least you have a good Outlook.
 
2020-06-25 11:30:51 PM  
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HelOOOooo," answered the blonde, "they're watchdogs."

You wanted bad, you got it.  :P
 
2020-06-26 12:18:29 AM  
High school students often ask me to tell them a joke, so I respond with "my career."
 
2020-06-26 12:22:12 AM  

cyberspacedout: KC Dutchman: Boss: "How good are you at PowerPoint?"
Me: "I Excel at it."
Boss: "Was that a Microsoft Office pun?"
Me: "Word"

At least you have a good Outlook.


Nice to have Access to such humor
 
2020-06-26 12:58:59 AM  

OK So Amuse Me: A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HelOOOooo," answered the blonde, "they're watchdogs..."


...to which her friend replied "that explains the ticks."
 
2020-06-26 7:47:26 AM  
Stewart Lee - Ang Lee
Youtube hHC13MYcrR4
 
2020-06-26 11:05:34 AM  

I_Can't_Believe_it's_not_Boutros: OK So Amuse Me: A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HelOOOooo," answered the blonde, "they're watchdogs..."

...to which her friend replied "that explains the ticks."


That makes the joke much better! Thanks!
 
2020-06-26 2:33:48 PM  

I_Can't_Believe_it's_not_Boutros: OK So Amuse Me: A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HelOOOooo," answered the blonde, "they're watchdogs..."

...to which her friend replied "that explains the ticks."


Enough with the tick talk, already.
 
2020-06-26 11:01:19 PM  

cyberspacedout: I_Can't_Believe_it's_not_Boutros: OK So Amuse Me: A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HelOOOooo," answered the blonde, "they're watchdogs..."

...to which her friend replied "that explains the ticks."

Enough with the tick talk, already.


I second that.
 
2020-06-27 12:48:31 AM  

handsome boy model: cyberspacedout: I_Can't_Believe_it's_not_Boutros: OK So Amuse Me: A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HelOOOooo," answered the blonde, "they're watchdogs..."

...to which her friend replied "that explains the ticks."

Enough with the tick talk, already.

I second that.


Let's give this guy a hand.
 
2020-06-27 12:52:28 AM  

cyberspacedout: handsome boy model: cyberspacedout: I_Can't_Believe_it's_not_Boutros: OK So Amuse Me: A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HelOOOooo," answered the blonde, "they're watchdogs..."

...to which her friend replied "that explains the ticks."

Enough with the tick talk, already.

I second that.

Let's give this guy a hand.


good wind up to the joke
 
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