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(Omaha World Herald)   A look inside the first mall to reopen in the United States   (omaha.com) divider line
    More: Creepy, Shopping mall, Minnie Mouse mask, Nebraska Crossing, outlet mall, mobile food pantry, Kansas City Royals mask, open-air mall, Ollie Jones  
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5736 clicks; posted to Main » and Politics » on 02 May 2020 at 7:35 AM (3 weeks ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook



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2020-05-02 3:36:26 AM  
archive.triblive.comView Full Size
 
2020-05-02 4:31:58 AM  
Outside Outlet mall.  But still stupid to reopen this early.
 
2020-05-02 4:54:37 AM  
Wait.... malls are still a thing?
 
2020-05-02 6:56:55 AM  
An old man, wearing his last remaining clothes from the Before Time--a stained, torn dress shirt that had once been white but was now a pastiche of various shades of yellows and browns, and a threadbare pair of denim jeans with one missing back pocket and no knees--sat silently in the warm sand on a nondescript beach with his two grandsons, both no longer children but not yet men, and gazed wistfully past them toward the reddish glow of sunset. It had been a good day; they hadn't seen an AI drone since yesterday, and they had stumbled upon a cache of mostly-well-preserved candy bars in an abandoned store, which made a wonderful dessert for the random wildlife he had managed to kill, skin, and cook for dinner (tonight they had dined on a particularly plump squirrel). His thoughts were mildly troubled, but the only thing wrong with this night... was that nothing was wrong. It was a condition the old man just wasn't used to, with the chaos of the last decades, and all the suffering--so, so much suffering--he had borne witness to. His discomfort was expressed in an ever-so-slightly-pained expression on his face, evidenced by just the tiniest bit of squint around his eyes, and perhaps an extra wrinkle or two on his tanned, mottled forehead.

His eldest grandson, who that night was almost exactly in the middle of his fifteenth year, noticed his grandfather's expression (for he was prone to being thoughtful, as the older ones usually seem to be), but mistook it for simple sadness rather than the complex mesh of emotions underneath it, and resolved to try to cheer the old man.

"Hey, Grandpa," he said, trying to keep the grin from his own face and potentially giving away his scheme, "When we were at that store earlier, it made me think of one of those things you talk about sometimes. What was it called--a 'shopping hall?'"

Of course, the old man had seen through this ruse the moment the young man had begun to speak. But he revealed nothing of this understanding, and instead chose to allow a small smile to begin in the corner of his mouth. Truth be told, the man didn't "allow" the smile to happen as much as he simply chose not to stop it when it came.

"Shopping Mall," he replied. "They were called Shopping Malls. And no, I have no idea what 'Mall' means or where it came from. So don't ask." He punctuated this with a quick point at the eldest boy, who could hold his grin no longer when he surmised his plot had been successful.

The old man pretended not to notice the smile and continued. "They were really big places, with a whole bunch of different stores in them. You could go get shoes, clothes, tools--heck, some of them had food from all over the world. China, Italy, Mexico... there were a couple that even had roller coasters in them, just like that one we saw by the highway in Oklahoma City." The older boy looked surprised by this. The man took a breath and began to decide how to approach the next bit.

"For a long time, the shopping mall became kind of the heart of the town they were in. People would meet there to shop, see movies together, eat together. That all changed by the turn of the century--people figured out that the malls were expensive to shop at, and started ordering things online..."

"The AI drones," the young man interjected.

The old man held up his hand. "Not at that time. Not yet. But that's kind of where they got started..." He paused, trying to make sure he was actually remembering the story, or just making it up on the spot. Had any of it been real? he thought, then cleared his throat. "Anyway, around the turn of the century, because of all the computer shopping, and the economy not being super great, the malls started closing, and you wouldn't see any new ones being built for a long time. But then, somewhere around '15 or so, malls started reinventing themselves, remodeling, opening different kinds of shops, that sort of thing. And in a lot of places, it worked. People started shopping at the malls again. Sure, it was never like it was before. But they were able to hang on a little while longer." The old man looked down, feeling an unexpected wave of nostalgia and melancholy.

"Then what happened, Grandpa?" This time it was the younger boy, not quite twelve, who chimed in. The man realized he had paid the boy no attention until then, and was unaware he had been listening to the story. He chided himself for not being more mindful, and continued.

"Well, this is where we run into the end of the Before Time. Before long The Virus came around and everything changed. Nobody wanted to shop with other people, or meet friends for a movie. Most people didn't even want to be in the same room as each other, much less have dinner together. That first wave was really bad, both for all the people it killed, and for all the lives damaged by the stress of living in that time. Nearly everywhere shut down, especially the malls, to try and stop The Virus. And it mostly worked. At least at that time."

The boys looked at each other, dumbfounded, then back at the man. The older one spoke. "But... if it worked... why did everything happen like it did? How did The Mutation happen if people weren't spreading The Virus?"

The man took a deep breath and began.

"Well, kids, you see, a bunch of farkING REDNECK ASSHOLES WHO WOULDN'T KNOW COMMON SENSE IF IT KICKED EM SQUARE IN THE NUTSACK STARTED PITCHING A shiatFIT ABOUT MAH FREEDUMZ AND THE SOCIOPATHIC ADDERAL-SNORTING HUMAN CHEETO IN THE WHITE HOUSE SAID OOOOOOOOHHHHH YEAHHHH LET'S DO ALL THE THINGS RAHT NAO AND THEN SOME DIPshiatS IN BUMfark, NEBRASKA DECIDED EVERYTHING'S GREAT AND IT'S WORKING AND PEOPLE ARE STARTING TO NOT DIE SO LET'S PUT EVERYTHING BACK JUST LIKE IT WAS BECAUSE IT'S THE BEST farkING IDEA IN THE HISTORY OF farkING IDEAS TO CUT YOUR PARACHUTE LOOSE WHEN YOU'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF A JUMP AND WE NEED TO DO THIS RIGHT NOW SO KAREN CAN GET HER GODDAMNED NAILS DONE AND THE BOOMERS CAN DRIVE THEIR HOVEROUNDS STRAIGHT UP TRUMP'S ASS FOREVER AND EVER AMEN."

The old man managed one last, weak, "WHARRGARBL" before falling backwards into the soft sand, exhausted and breathing heavily.

After a moment, the younger boy carefully spoke. "Grandpa?"

Between breaths, the old man replied, "Yes, my boy?"

"Did you ever think maybe you spent too much time posting on Fark?"

The man groaned and rolled onto his side. As he drifted into a deep slumber, he looked at the remains of the squirrel he had cooked, and realized with a slow, helpless horror that there was only one part that had not been eaten. He dreamed of bourbon.


/Yes. I was indeed very bored.
 
2020-05-02 7:48:00 AM  
Of course, all of the people who went to the mall are people who couldn't figure out how to do something like buying sneakers online.
 
2020-05-02 7:48:05 AM  
Writer looks like a 14 yo mall rat.
 
2020-05-02 7:52:03 AM  
Instead, how about a fun family outing by touring of one of the Nebraska COVID infected meat packing plants followed up by some time on the local hospital's COVID ward?
 
2020-05-02 7:54:09 AM  

bmix: An old man, wearing his last remaining clothes from the Before Time



media.giphy.comView Full Size

Well done.
Well done indeed!
 
2020-05-02 7:57:11 AM  

bmix: An old man, wearing his last remaining clothes from the Before Time--a stained, torn dress shirt that had once been white but was now a pastiche of various shades of yellows and browns, and a threadbare pair of denim jeans with one missing back pocket and no knees--sat silently in the warm sand on a nondescript beach with his two grandsons, both no longer children but not yet men, and gazed wistfully past them toward the reddish glow of sunset. It had been a good day; they hadn't seen an AI drone since yesterday, and they had stumbled upon a cache of mostly-well-preserved candy bars in an abandoned store, which made a wonderful dessert for the random wildlife he had managed to kill, skin, and cook for dinner (tonight they had dined on a particularly plump squirrel). His thoughts were mildly troubled, but the only thing wrong with this night... was that nothing was wrong. It was a condition the old man just wasn't used to, with the chaos of the last decades, and all the suffering--so, so much suffering--he had borne witness to. His discomfort was expressed in an ever-so-slightly-pained expression on his face, evidenced by just the tiniest bit of squint around his eyes, and perhaps an extra wrinkle or two on his tanned, mottled forehead.

His eldest grandson, who that night was almost exactly in the middle of his fifteenth year, noticed his grandfather's expression (for he was prone to being thoughtful, as the older ones usually seem to be), but mistook it for simple sadness rather than the complex mesh of emotions underneath it, and resolved to try to cheer the old man.

"Hey, Grandpa," he said, trying to keep the grin from his own face and potentially giving away his scheme, "When we were at that store earlier, it made me think of one of those things you talk about sometimes. What was it called--a 'shopping hall?'"

Of course, the old man had seen through this ruse the moment the young man had begun to speak. But he revealed nothing of this understanding, and instead chose to allow a small smile to begin in the corner of his mouth. Truth be told, the man didn't "allow" the smile to happen as much as he simply chose not to stop it when it came.

"Shopping Mall," he replied. "They were called Shopping Malls. And no, I have no idea what 'Mall' means or where it came from. So don't ask." He punctuated this with a quick point at the eldest boy, who could hold his grin no longer when he surmised his plot had been successful.

The old man pretended not to notice the smile and continued. "They were really big places, with a whole bunch of different stores in them. You could go get shoes, clothes, tools--heck, some of them had food from all over the world. China, Italy, Mexico... there were a couple that even had roller coasters in them, just like that one we saw by the highway in Oklahoma City." The older boy looked surprised by this. The man took a breath and began to decide how to approach the next bit.

"For a long time, the shopping mall became kind of the heart of the town they were in. People would meet there to shop, see movies together, eat together. That all changed by the turn of the century--people figured out that the malls were expensive to shop at, and started ordering things online..."

"The AI drones," the young man interjected.

The old man held up his hand. "Not at that time. Not yet. But that's kind of where they got started..." He paused, trying to make sure he was actually remembering the story, or just making it up on the spot. Had any of it been real? he thought, then cleared his throat. "Anyway, around the turn of the century, because of all the computer shopping, and the economy not being super great, the malls started closing, and you wouldn't see any new ones being built for a long time. But then, somewhere around '15 or so, malls started reinventing themselves, remodeling, opening different kinds of shops, that sort of thing. And in a lot of places, it worked. People started shopping at the malls again. Sure, it was never like it was before. But they were able to hang on a little while longer." The old man looked down, feeling an unexpected wave of nostalgia and melancholy.

"Then what happened, Grandpa?" This time it was the younger boy, not quite twelve, who chimed in. The man realized he had paid the boy no attention until then, and was unaware he had been listening to the story. He chided himself for not being more mindful, and continued.

"Well, this is where we run into the end of the Before Time. Before long The Virus came around and everything changed. Nobody wanted to shop with other people, or meet friends for a movie. Most people didn't even want to be in the same room as each other, much less have dinner together. That first wave was really bad, both for all the people it killed, and for all the lives damaged by the stress of living in that time. Nearly everywhere shut down, especially the malls, to try and stop The Virus. And it mostly worked. At least at that time."

The boys looked at each other, dumbfounded, then back at the man. The older one spoke. "But... if it worked... why did everything happen like it did? How did The Mutation happen if people weren't spreading The Virus?"

The man took a deep breath and began.

"Well, kids, you see, a bunch of farkING REDNECK ASSHOLES WHO WOULDN'T KNOW COMMON SENSE IF IT KICKED EM SQUARE IN THE NUTSACK STARTED PITCHING A shiatFIT ABOUT MAH FREEDUMZ AND THE SOCIOPATHIC ADDERAL-SNORTING HUMAN CHEETO IN THE WHITE HOUSE SAID OOOOOOOOHHHHH YEAHHHH LET'S DO ALL THE THINGS RAHT NAO AND THEN SOME DIPshiatS IN BUMfark, NEBRASKA DECIDED EVERYTHING'S GREAT AND IT'S WORKING AND PEOPLE ARE STARTING TO NOT DIE SO LET'S PUT EVERYTHING BACK JUST LIKE IT WAS BECAUSE IT'S THE BEST farkING IDEA IN THE HISTORY OF farkING IDEAS TO CUT YOUR PARACHUTE LOOSE WHEN YOU'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF A JUMP AND WE NEED TO DO THIS RIGHT NOW SO KAREN CAN GET HER GODDAMNED NAILS DONE AND THE BOOMERS CAN DRIVE THEIR HOVEROUNDS STRAIGHT UP TRUMP'S ASS FOREVER AND EVER AMEN."

The old man managed one last, weak, "WHARRGARBL" before falling backwards into the soft sand, exhausted and breathing heavily.

After a moment, the younger boy carefully spoke. "Grandpa?"

Between breaths, the old man replied, "Yes, my boy?"

"Did you ever think maybe you spent too much time posting on Fark?"

The man groaned and rolled onto his side. As he drifted into a deep slumber, he looked at the remains of the squirrel he had cooked, and realized with a slow, helpless horror that there was only one part that had not been eaten. He dreamed of bourbon.


/Yes. I was indeed very bored.


Bmix, you magnificent bastard! That was absolutely awesome!
 
2020-05-02 7:58:10 AM  
external-content.duckduckgo.comView Full Size
 
2020-05-02 7:58:38 AM  
FTFA: "This is pretty dead"

Yeah, pretty much sums things up right there.
 
2020-05-02 7:58:54 AM  
Great. I need to go to the Scotch tape store.
 
2020-05-02 8:05:17 AM  
The stores that were open included Uniform Destination

I hope they had sufficient crowd control.
 
2020-05-02 8:05:46 AM  

Doctoral Candidate Zaius: Of course, all of the people who went to the mall are people who couldn't figure out how to do something like buying sneakers online.


Why the fark would I want to buy sneakers online?
 
2020-05-02 8:10:40 AM  

holdmybones: The stores that were open included Uniform Destination

I hope they had sufficient crowd control.


No, those were all over at their competitor, Undifferentiated Terminus.
 
2020-05-02 8:16:50 AM  
Thanks for the replies! I'm stunned anyone actually even read the whole thing--almost didn't post it when I looked at the preview and went "whoa, that's... kinda not brief."
 
2020-05-02 8:20:53 AM  

bmix: Thanks for the replies! I'm stunned anyone actually even read the whole thing--almost didn't post it when I looked at the preview and went "whoa, that's... kinda not brief."


I'll admit, I skipped it on the first pass through the thread (rarely are walls of text worth the read), but went back to read it all.  Glad I did; is fantastic.  Thanks for the laugh.
 
2020-05-02 8:22:19 AM  

DBAFarker: Outside Outlet mall.  But still stupid to reopen this early.


Here's an inside one for you:   https://www.ksat.com/news/local/2020/​0​5/01/santikos-theater-ingram-park-mall​-reopen-with-new-safety-protocols/
 
2020-05-02 8:24:42 AM  

bmix: Thanks for the replies! I'm stunned anyone actually even read the whole thing--almost didn't post it when I looked at the preview and went "whoa, that's... kinda not brief."


Too much caps imo but after giving the start a chance it was easy to read.
 
2020-05-02 8:25:19 AM  
It's really stupid.  I've talked to friends and family about this and not one if them is going to risk going to that mall anytime soon.
 
2020-05-02 8:27:45 AM  

bmix: Thanks for the replies! I'm stunned anyone actually even read the whole thing--almost didn't post it when I looked at the preview and went "whoa, that's... kinda not brief."


I usually skip long posts but yours drew me in and I read the whole thing. Glad I did.
 
2020-05-02 8:30:26 AM  

chuggernaught: It's really stupid.  I've talked to friends and family about this and not one if them is going to risk going to that mall anytime soon.


I would if the mall's movie theater opened but there's nothing to see anyway.
 
2020-05-02 8:32:02 AM  
Mall?

WTF is a mall? Isn't that a brand of cigarettes or something?
 
2020-05-02 8:41:55 AM  

Mugato: Doctoral Candidate Zaius: Of course, all of the people who went to the mall are people who couldn't figure out how to do something like buying sneakers online.

Why the fark would I want to buy sneakers online?


Convenience, a near guarantee of being able to find exactly what you want/ greater selection, quick price comparison, mostly fair return policies, not having to go to a mall during a pandemic
 
2020-05-02 8:42:09 AM  
https://www.scnow.com/business/more-s​t​ores-reopening-at-magnolia-mall-in-flo​rence/article_d57f9951-49c0-5f08-839e-​fcadfc75f0ba.html

Just FYI, the mall (traditional inside) in my town opened last week.  Notice the article date; the first stores opened April 25th.   They did keep the food court closed.
 
2020-05-02 8:43:00 AM  
Oh shiat, the untamed lemur is back on the prowl!
s30886.pcdn.coView Full Size
 
2020-05-02 8:45:34 AM  

ZMugg: bmix: An old man, wearing his last remaining clothes from the Before Time


[media.giphy.com image 500x240]
Well done.
Well done indeed!


I agree and best Korea does too
Fark user imageView Full Size
 
2020-05-02 8:46:55 AM  

Demetrius: FTFA: "This is pretty dead"

Yeah, pretty much sums things up right there.


It's almost like people don't trust business people and their political cronies.
 
2020-05-02 8:48:05 AM  

Doctoral Candidate Zaius: Mugato: Doctoral Candidate Zaius: Of course, all of the people who went to the mall are people who couldn't figure out how to do something like buying sneakers online.

Why the fark would I want to buy sneakers online?

Convenience, a near guarantee of being able to find exactly what you want/ greater selection, quick price comparison, mostly fair return policies, not having to go to a mall during a pandemic


Pandemic aside, trying on shoes to see if they fit properly once in a store or endless returns because they have the color I like?
 
2020-05-02 8:53:35 AM  

Doctoral Candidate Zaius: Why the fark would I want to buy sneakers online?


Convenience, a near guarantee of being able to find exactly what you want/ greater selection, quick price comparison, mostly fair return policies, not having to go to a mall during a pandemic


Eh, I don't buy anything I can't try on first. And it's not because I'm an old bastard, I used to program all that e-commerce shiat (and now I'm back at it since that's all I can get during this lockdown).

/don't see what's so terrible about the mall
//Think Geek and the comic book store are great
 
2020-05-02 8:54:18 AM  

Foolkiller: Doctoral Candidate Zaius: Mugato: Doctoral Candidate Zaius: Of course, all of the people who went to the mall are people who couldn't figure out how to do something like buying sneakers online.

Why the fark would I want to buy sneakers online?

Convenience, a near guarantee of being able to find exactly what you want/ greater selection, quick price comparison, mostly fair return policies, not having to go to a mall during a pandemic

Pandemic aside, trying on shoes to see if they fit properly once in a store or endless returns because they have the color I like?


How about waiting for every pair of shoes you have to completely fall apart and hopefully the pandemic will be over by then.
 
2020-05-02 8:56:16 AM  

I Ate Shergar: [archive.triblive.com image 760x619]


Are those participation trophies on the side? It's it too early to buy "I survived 2020" shirts yet?
 
2020-05-02 9:00:22 AM  

MindStalker: I Ate Shergar: [archive.triblive.com image 760x619]

Are those participation trophies on the side? It's it too early to buy "I survived 2020" shirts yet?


We aren't even halfway through. Don't count your chickens and  whatnot.
 
2020-05-02 9:01:49 AM  
Well, at least the main floor is outdoors. Still, why would you go? There's not a lot of stuff in malls that I would say I need right now, even if shipping things is a pain at the moment.
 
2020-05-02 9:08:56 AM  

bmix: ~snipped for brevity~


Brav-f*cking-O. A+ would read again!
Fark user imageView Full Size
 
2020-05-02 9:13:50 AM  

Mugato: Doctoral Candidate Zaius: Of course, all of the people who went to the mall are people who couldn't figure out how to do something like buying sneakers online.

Why the fark would I want to buy sneakers online?


I did because I got to choose the style and colors and materials of every part of the shoe.

Custom Nikes are dang spiffy, those kids do great work.
 
2020-05-02 9:14:10 AM  

bmix: An old man, wearing his last remaining clothes from the Before Time--a stained, torn dress shirt that had once been white but was now a pastiche of various shades of yellows and browns, and a threadbare pair of denim jeans with one missing back pocket and no knees--sat silently in the warm sand on a nondescript beach with his two grandsons, both no longer children but not yet men, and gazed wistfully past them toward the reddish glow of sunset. It had been a good day; they hadn't seen an AI drone since yesterday, and they had stumbled upon a cache of mostly-well-preserved candy bars in an abandoned store, which made a wonderful dessert for the random wildlife he had managed to kill, skin, and cook for dinner (tonight they had dined on a particularly plump squirrel). His thoughts were mildly troubled, but the only thing wrong with this night... was that nothing was wrong. It was a condition the old man just wasn't used to, with the chaos of the last decades, and all the suffering--so, so much suffering--he had borne witness to. His discomfort was expressed in an ever-so-slightly-pained expression on his face, evidenced by just the tiniest bit of squint around his eyes, and perhaps an extra wrinkle or two on his tanned, mottled forehead.

His eldest grandson, who that night was almost exactly in the middle of his fifteenth year, noticed his grandfather's expression (for he was prone to being thoughtful, as the older ones usually seem to be), but mistook it for simple sadness rather than the complex mesh of emotions underneath it, and resolved to try to cheer the old man.

"Hey, Grandpa," he said, trying to keep the grin from his own face and potentially giving away his scheme, "When we were at that store earlier, it made me think of one of those things you talk about sometimes. What was it called--a 'shopping hall?'"

Of course, the old man had seen through this ruse the moment the young man had begun to speak. But he revealed nothing of this understanding, and instead chose to allow a small smile to begin in the corner of his mouth. Truth be told, the man didn't "allow" the smile to happen as much as he simply chose not to stop it when it came.

"Shopping Mall," he replied. "They were called Shopping Malls. And no, I have no idea what 'Mall' means or where it came from. So don't ask." He punctuated this with a quick point at the eldest boy, who could hold his grin no longer when he surmised his plot had been successful.

The old man pretended not to notice the smile and continued. "They were really big places, with a whole bunch of different stores in them. You could go get shoes, clothes, tools--heck, some of them had food from all over the world. China, Italy, Mexico... there were a couple that even had roller coasters in them, just like that one we saw by the highway in Oklahoma City." The older boy looked surprised by this. The man took a breath and began to decide how to approach the next bit.

"For a long time, the shopping mall became kind of the heart of the town they were in. People would meet there to shop, see movies together, eat together. That all changed by the turn of the century--people figured out that the malls were expensive to shop at, and started ordering things online..."

"The AI drones," the young man interjected.

The old man held up his hand. "Not at that time. Not yet. But that's kind of where they got started..." He paused, trying to make sure he was actually remembering the story, or just making it up on the spot. Had any of it been real? he thought, then cleared his throat. "Anyway, around the turn of the century, because of all the computer shopping, and the economy not being super great, the malls started closing, and you wouldn't see any new ones being built for a long time. But then, somewhere around '15 or so, malls started reinventing themselves, remodeling, opening different kinds of shops, that sort of thing. And in a lot of places, it worked. People started shopping at the malls again. Sure, it was never like it was before. But they were able to hang on a little while longer." The old man looked down, feeling an unexpected wave of nostalgia and melancholy.

"Then what happened, Grandpa?" This time it was the younger boy, not quite twelve, who chimed in. The man realized he had paid the boy no attention until then, and was unaware he had been listening to the story. He chided himself for not being more mindful, and continued.

"Well, this is where we run into the end of the Before Time. Before long The Virus came around and everything changed. Nobody wanted to shop with other people, or meet friends for a movie. Most people didn't even want to be in the same room as each other, much less have dinner together. That first wave was really bad, both for all the people it killed, and for all the lives damaged by the stress of living in that time. Nearly everywhere shut down, especially the malls, to try and stop The Virus. And it mostly worked. At least at that time."

The boys looked at each other, dumbfounded, then back at the man. The older one spoke. "But... if it worked... why did everything happen like it did? How did The Mutation happen if people weren't spreading The Virus?"

The man took a deep breath and began.

"Well, kids, you see, a bunch of farkING REDNECK ASSHOLES WHO WOULDN'T KNOW COMMON SENSE IF IT KICKED EM SQUARE IN THE NUTSACK STARTED PITCHING A shiatFIT ABOUT MAH FREEDUMZ AND THE SOCIOPATHIC ADDERAL-SNORTING HUMAN CHEETO IN THE WHITE HOUSE SAID OOOOOOOOHHHHH YEAHHHH LET'S DO ALL THE THINGS RAHT NAO AND THEN SOME DIPshiatS IN BUMfark, NEBRASKA DECIDED EVERYTHING'S GREAT AND IT'S WORKING AND PEOPLE ARE STARTING TO NOT DIE SO LET'S PUT EVERYTHING BACK JUST LIKE IT WAS BECAUSE IT'S THE BEST farkING IDEA IN THE HISTORY OF farkING IDEAS TO CUT YOUR PARACHUTE LOOSE WHEN YOU'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF A JUMP AND WE NEED TO DO THIS RIGHT NOW SO KAREN CAN GET HER GODDAMNED NAILS DONE AND THE BOOMERS CAN DRIVE THEIR HOVEROUNDS STRAIGHT UP TRUMP'S ASS FOREVER AND EVER AMEN."

The old man managed one last, weak, "WHARRGARBL" before falling backwards into the soft sand, exhausted and breathing heavily.

After a moment, the younger boy carefully spoke. "Grandpa?"

Between breaths, the old man replied, "Yes, my boy?"

"Did you ever think maybe you spent too much time posting on Fark?"

The man groaned and rolled onto his side. As he drifted into a deep slumber, he looked at the remains of the squirrel he had cooked, and realized with a slow, helpless horror that there was only one part that had not been eaten. He dreamed of bourbon.


/Yes. I was indeed very bored.


Bravo
 
2020-05-02 9:19:40 AM  
This is why a consumer society and consumer economy suck ass.

People just can't stop buying random garbage, or the whole farking world collapses.
 
2020-05-02 9:25:23 AM  

bmix: words...lots of words.


Well, I finally have a Farkie for you:
Fark user image
 
2020-05-02 9:32:41 AM  

synithium: This is why a consumer society and consumer economy suck ass.
People just can't stop buying random garbage, or the whole farking world collapses.


The greatest fallacy of civilization is predicated on perpetual expansion and consumption.  There has never been a cancer which stops for a moment and thinks "I've had enough". It's a farking Greek tragedy written into the origins.
/I for one will be content with this clump of moss
 
2020-05-02 9:37:02 AM  

bmix: An old man, wearing his last remaining clothes from the Before Time--a stained, torn dress shirt that had once been white but was now a pastiche of various shades of yellows and browns, and a threadbare pair of denim jeans with one missing back pocket and no knees--sat silently in the warm sand on a nondescript beach with his two grandsons, both no longer children but not yet men, and gazed wistfully past them toward the reddish glow of sunset. It had been a good day; they hadn't seen an AI drone since yesterday, and they had stumbled upon a cache of mostly-well-preserved candy bars in an abandoned store, which made a wonderful dessert for the random wildlife he had managed to kill, skin, and cook for dinner (tonight they had dined on a particularly plump squirrel). His thoughts were mildly troubled, but the only thing wrong with this night... was that nothing was wrong. It was a condition the old man just wasn't used to, with the chaos of the last decades, and all the suffering--so, so much suffering--he had borne witness to. His discomfort was expressed in an ever-so-slightly-pained expression on his face, evidenced by just the tiniest bit of squint around his eyes, and perhaps an extra wrinkle or two on his tanned, mottled forehead.

His eldest grandson, who that night was almost exactly in the middle of his fifteenth year, noticed his grandfather's expression (for he was prone to being thoughtful, as the older ones usually seem to be), but mistook it for simple sadness rather than the complex mesh of emotions underneath it, and resolved to try to cheer the old man.

"Hey, Grandpa," he said, trying to keep the grin from his own face and potentially giving away his scheme, "When we were at that store earlier, it made me think of one of those things you talk about sometimes. What was it called--a 'shopping hall?'"

Of course, the old man had seen through this ruse the moment the young man had begun to speak. But he revealed nothing of this understanding, and instead chose to allow a small smile to begin in the corner of his mouth. Truth be told, the man didn't "allow" the smile to happen as much as he simply chose not to stop it when it came.

"Shopping Mall," he replied. "They were called Shopping Malls. And no, I have no idea what 'Mall' means or where it came from. So don't ask." He punctuated this with a quick point at the eldest boy, who could hold his grin no longer when he surmised his plot had been successful.

The old man pretended not to notice the smile and continued. "They were really big places, with a whole bunch of different stores in them. You could go get shoes, clothes, tools--heck, some of them had food from all over the world. China, Italy, Mexico... there were a couple that even had roller coasters in them, just like that one we saw by the highway in Oklahoma City." The older boy looked surprised by this. The man took a breath and began to decide how to approach the next bit.

"For a long time, the shopping mall became kind of the heart of the town they were in. People would meet there to shop, see movies together, eat together. That all changed by the turn of the century--people figured out that the malls were expensive to shop at, and started ordering things online..."

"The AI drones," the young man interjected.

The old man held up his hand. "Not at that time. Not yet. But that's kind of where they got started..." He paused, trying to make sure he was actually remembering the story, or just making it up on the spot. Had any of it been real? he thought, then cleared his throat. "Anyway, around the turn of the century, because of all the computer shopping, and the economy not being super great, the malls started closing, and you wouldn't see any new ones being built for a long time. But then, somewhere around '15 or so, malls started reinventing themselves, remodeling, opening different kinds of shops, that sort of thing. And in a lot of places, it worked. People started shopping at the malls again. Sure, it was never like it was before. But they were able to hang on a little while longer." The old man looked down, feeling an unexpected wave of nostalgia and melancholy.

"Then what happened, Grandpa?" This time it was the younger boy, not quite twelve, who chimed in. The man realized he had paid the boy no attention until then, and was unaware he had been listening to the story. He chided himself for not being more mindful, and continued.

"Well, this is where we run into the end of the Before Time. Before long The Virus came around and everything changed. Nobody wanted to shop with other people, or meet friends for a movie. Most people didn't even want to be in the same room as each other, much less have dinner together. That first wave was really bad, both for all the people it killed, and for all the lives damaged by the stress of living in that time. Nearly everywhere shut down, especially the malls, to try and stop The Virus. And it mostly worked. At least at that time."

The boys looked at each other, dumbfounded, then back at the man. The older one spoke. "But... if it worked... why did everything happen like it did? How did The Mutation happen if people weren't spreading The Virus?"

The man took a deep breath and began.

"Well, kids, you see, a bunch of farkING REDNECK ASSHOLES WHO WOULDN'T KNOW COMMON SENSE IF IT KICKED EM SQUARE IN THE NUTSACK STARTED PITCHING A shiatFIT ABOUT MAH FREEDUMZ AND THE SOCIOPATHIC ADDERAL-SNORTING HUMAN CHEETO IN THE WHITE HOUSE SAID OOOOOOOOHHHHH YEAHHHH LET'S DO ALL THE THINGS RAHT NAO AND THEN SOME DIPshiatS IN BUMfark, NEBRASKA DECIDED EVERYTHING'S GREAT AND IT'S WORKING AND PEOPLE ARE STARTING TO NOT DIE SO LET'S PUT EVERYTHING BACK JUST LIKE IT WAS BECAUSE IT'S THE BEST farkING IDEA IN THE HISTORY OF farkING IDEAS TO CUT YOUR PARACHUTE LOOSE WHEN YOU'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF A JUMP AND WE NEED TO DO THIS RIGHT NOW SO KAREN CAN GET HER GODDAMNED NAILS DONE AND THE BOOMERS CAN DRIVE THEIR HOVEROUNDS STRAIGHT UP TRUMP'S ASS FOREVER AND EVER AMEN."

The old man managed one last, weak, "WHARRGARBL" before falling backwards into the soft sand, exhausted and breathing heavily.

After a moment, the younger boy carefully spoke. "Grandpa?"

Between breaths, the old man replied, "Yes, my boy?"

"Did you ever think maybe you spent too much time posting on Fark?"

The man groaned and rolled onto his side. As he drifted into a deep slumber, he looked at the remains of the squirrel he had cooked, and realized with a slow, helpless horror that there was only one part that had not been eaten. He dreamed of bourbon.


/Yes. I was indeed very bored.


I'm submitting this to my book club
 
2020-05-02 9:38:24 AM  
Nebraska: we had a day of drop in Covid cases, we should open the mall.
Shoppers: No football to watch so yeah!!!
GO BIG RED!  GO BIG RED!

There is a reason I got out of that state and never will move back.

Fark user imageView Full Size
 
2020-05-02 9:45:50 AM  
Haha holy crap, there's no way I'd go to a mall right now.  Only the dumbest of us will think that's a good idea.  Farking seriously??

The massive c19 second wave in two weeks is going to drown us.
 
2020-05-02 9:53:07 AM  
bmix:
Of course, the old man had seen through this ruse the moment the young man had begun to speak. But he revealed nothing of this understanding, and instea ...

Ladies and gentlemen, I believe we have our comment of the year!
<golf clap>
 
2020-05-02 10:02:40 AM  

Sloppy Wreck: Nebraska: we had a day of drop in Covid cases, we should open the mall.
Shoppers: No football to watch so yeah!!!
GO BIG RED!  GO BIG RED!

There is a reason I got out of that state and never will move back.

[Fark user image 355x750]


I love it here. The land, the weather, the peace, and the individuals are great. But the people reinforce that old line from Men In Black.
Still my internet service is 5 times faster than what was even offered in my neighborhood in Las Vegas and I can sit on my back porch during the summer without having to listen to three different arguments from four different houses in five different languages while realizing that I should have put deodorant on my balls.
 
2020-05-02 10:47:21 AM  

bmix: The man groaned and rolled onto his side. As he drifted into a deep slumber, he looked at the remains of the squirrel he had cooked, and realized with a slow, helpless horror that there was only one part that had not been eaten.

/Yes. I was indeed very bored.


The giant nutsack? I bet it was the giant nutsack
 
2020-05-02 10:47:39 AM  

OptimisticCynicism: MindStalker: I Ate Shergar: [archive.triblive.com image 760x619]

Are those participation trophies on the side? It's it too early to buy "I survived 2020" shirts yet?

We aren't even halfway through. Don't count your chickens and  whatnot.


The chickens are protesting in their coop.
 
2020-05-02 10:48:00 AM  

Demetrius: FTFA: "This is pretty dead"

Yeah, pretty much sums things up right there.


And their creditors and insurers will take no excuses, quarantine is lifted, pay them.

You really thought that the government directive was what was keeping people home? That was just for the plague vectors without any common sense.

This will turn into a clusterfark on both fronts, medical and economic. You can't bully or gaslight nature.
 
2020-05-02 10:51:48 AM  
Malls were dying before the virus.  I think this will be the end of them.
 
2020-05-02 11:01:59 AM  
The purpose of your life is to sell Yankee Candle and if you die doing so it should be an honor.
 
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