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(WokeSloth)   Today's AITA: Woman given up at birth contacts birth parents against their wishes. Was she wrong? Should she not have done that?   (wokesloth.com) divider line
    More: Misc, Family, family dynamics, Adoption, complicated story, mother's contact information, number of other ways, missing family, Mother  
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607 clicks; posted to Discussion » on 01 May 2020 at 9:24 PM (3 weeks ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook



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2020-05-01 6:32:04 PM  
Their parents were 19-years-old at the time. At around age 11, they were taken from their adoptive parents and put into foster care. When they turned 18, they received their mother's contact information.

Christ.   Poor kid.   What kind of parents was she adopted out to.

Also, if you adopted your kid out, don't be surprised if they contact you.   What you choose to do after that is another thing, but understand the kid's POV.
 
2020-05-01 6:41:08 PM  

Dewey Fidalgo: Their parents were 19-years-old at the time. At around age 11, they were taken from their adoptive parents and put into foster care. When they turned 18, they received their mother's contact information.

Christ.   Poor kid.   What kind of parents was she adopted out to.

Also, if you adopted your kid out, don't be surprised if they contact you.   What you choose to do after that is another thing, but understand the kid's POV.


I was adopted, but I finally met my bio mom 16 years ago. I have a half-brother and half-sister (one of whom I've met) who are both in their 30s now. Her husband doesn't want me making contact with them. It's not like I'm there to horn in on the family, but I want to meet the only blood siblings I have.

I'm not sure where I was going with this, but I understand the lady in TFA; I'd want to know, too.
 
2020-05-01 6:44:12 PM  
*want to know
 
2020-05-01 6:54:21 PM  
It's possible the teen parents were experimenting with controlled substances at the time of conception.  Years later, with more maturity, the parents may have been afraid of any damage they might have caused.

Or, they could have gone off the deep end into religious zealots and didn't want to be exposed as hypocrites for now expecting their kids to remain virgins.

My kids always want to reunite with their birth parents, and it's usually a disaster.  The parents have moved on, and the kid is always sure the parents have been missing their kid.  The kid is clinging and trying to force a relationship, and the parents want nothing to do with this stranger.
 
2020-05-01 7:07:54 PM  
Oh man, I was in that thread.  What a mess.
 
2020-05-01 8:35:59 PM  
1 of 4 adopted kids here.    No way is that cool.    2 of my siblings went and looked and where destroyed.  Myself and my brother just decided to drive on.    Bio parents did what they had to do at the time.   Move on, there is nothing there that could change anything For anyone.
 
2020-05-01 8:49:13 PM  
My older sister got pregnant back in 1962, the first time she farked anyone. Our dad insisted she go and live somewhere else to have the baby, which she did. Baby was given up for adoption. Fast forward to 1990, the kid, her daughter, contacted her and we had a party to meet her. It was great, except that she was a radical fundamentalist Christian and thought we were all heathens. She supplanted the eldest niece's seniority which caused all kinds of problems in the family. It eventually all fell apart, broke my sister's heart. I wish she had never shown up.
 
2020-05-01 8:59:59 PM  
My late mother-in-law was adopted out, along with her sister.   There were two older half sisters who were old enough to be on their own and twin boys adopted at birth.  Her older half brothers.

My husband's grandfather was married to his first wife in Montana.  She died in childbirth with the twins who were adopted out.  Grandfather kept the two oldest girls and within some years remarried and had the younger girls.  Their mother also died when they were very little,( my mother-in-law had no memory of her).   Grandfather gave up at this point (and died soon himself) and the children (for the second time, the two youngest girls) were separated and adopted out.

It took decades for them to find each other, including the twin boys.  It was a series of happy reunions.  It isn't just about the parents.   Though I realize that this doesn't work out for everyone.
 
2020-05-01 9:29:04 PM  
The only good to come from meeting your bio parents is possible [paid] organ donors and red flags for genetic predispositions (e.g. colon cancer)--and that's assuming they cooperate with either line of inquiry.
 
2020-05-01 9:59:42 PM  
I was adopted. Even though my (adopted) dad was a piece of shiat, I've never had the urge to find my bio parents. Knowing my luck, they'd be crackheads looking for a handout if they're even still alive.
 
2020-05-01 10:24:17 PM  
Neighbor had a kid was adopted out apparently. Kid pulled much the same shiat. Didn't realize that she was a product of a rape, and her "bio-dad" wasn't really dad but was on the birth certificate. Yeah, that didn't end well. Bio-mom went into hysterics.

Another friend had an adopted kid. Girl wanted to meet mom (dad not listed) and forced the issue after tracking her down via one of those genetic websites and a bit of other sleuthing. Turns out mom got knocked up by jumping her (13yo) male cousin when she was 19. Big scandal in the family, swept under the rug. Nobody wanted to acknowledge her existence, then she tried to push the relationship. Let's just say it ended poorly.
 
2020-05-01 10:39:01 PM  

require PDA: 1 of 4 adopted kids here.    No way is that cool.    2 of my siblings went and looked and where destroyed.  Myself and my brother just decided to drive on.    Bio parents did what they had to do at the time.   Move on, there is nothing there that could change anything For anyone.


This.  The other half of the story is that you will most likely insult your real parents (the ones who raised you).  My sister and I are adopted and she met her biological mother a few years back and now misses events with our real family.  It has really hurt our mother, and then my sister has the nerve to claim we are pushing her away.

/It doesn't help that my parents are divorced and my sister has 4 kids by 3 dads for a total of 5 Christmases
//Being adopted gives some people fear of missing out on to the max and they go crazy thinking they missed a better life
///It's sad when people push away the people who care about them most looking for something better that doesn't exist
////No one was given up for adoption because their biological parents were too successful in life
 
2020-05-01 11:53:42 PM  
My mother had a child she gave up for adoption as a teenager. He initiated contact about 10 years ago and it has worked out really positively. I don't resent him for "stepping in" (in fact, he and his wife are my second son's godparents), but it was really weird at first.
 
2020-05-02 12:47:43 AM  
Our grandmother was placed for adoption when her birth mother died in labor with her. She had a six year old sister. At first, local authorities placed the sisters in the same home with a distant maternal Aunt and Uncle who had been unable to have children.

Per my grandmother's parents and Aunts and Uncles, her older sister was caught trying to kill my grandmother a few times because the sister blamed my grandmother for "killing" her mother. Apparently, the sister would creep up to the bassinet and hold a pillow over my grandmother.

So, the older sister was placed with another maternal Aunt and Uncle who already had two or three kids. The two birth sisters were raised as cousins.

Our grandmother never had any interest in searching for or "getting to know" any of her other birth family. She recalled that once she was walking with school mates when one of the other girls said "(Name), did you know that your grandparents on your father's side live there?"

Our grandmother always said she replied "My father is the man who lives with me and raises me. His parents don't live at that house."

Decades after she passed away, one of my siblings took up genealogy and found out that our grandmother had four older siblings that she'd never known about. Four of five of us talked about it and agreed that she probably wouldn't have cared one whit.
 
2020-05-02 12:52:54 AM  
You respect it if they did not wish to be contacted/identified - barring contacts through neutral third parties such as a lawyer if you for instance need critical medical history information or the like.  Anything else is "I want what I want so fark you and what you want."  Expecting a goddamn fairy tale is just going to get you kicked in whatever genitalia you own, and wreck up someone else's life to boot.  Sure, you may feel wronged because your parents had you adopted out, but pushing when they said no is just being even more wrong - isn't gonna fix shiat, odds are it's going to make life worse for everyone involved.

/your bullshiat fantasies about your "real" parents are just that - bullshiat
//leave it be if they want it left be
///live your damn life, not a mockery of someone else's
 
2020-05-02 12:59:51 AM  
I can see how you would want to talk to your bio parents. I mean, it makes sense.

But you just...can't. Get therapy if you need help in NOT contacting them. It's a bad idea.

Very similar to the urge to "reconnect" with old girlfriends/boyfriends. It sounds like it will "scratch an itch" and feel good. But it will just turn into a disappointing mess.

/most people learn this before they are 30
 
2020-05-02 2:33:35 AM  

Dewey Fidalgo: Their parents were 19-years-old at the time. At around age 11, they were taken from their adoptive parents and put into foster care. When they turned 18, they received their mother's contact information.

Christ.   Poor kid.   What kind of parents was she adopted out to.

Also, if you adopted your kid out, don't be surprised if they contact you.   What you choose to do after that is another thing, but understand the kid's POV.


Don't parents have the choice to not have their information disclosed?
 
2020-05-02 3:43:54 AM  

Nogale: Dewey Fidalgo: Their parents were 19-years-old at the time. At around age 11, they were taken from their adoptive parents and put into foster care. When they turned 18, they received their mother's contact information.

Christ.   Poor kid.   What kind of parents was she adopted out to.

Also, if you adopted your kid out, don't be surprised if they contact you.   What you choose to do after that is another thing, but understand the kid's POV.

Don't parents have the choice to not have their information disclosed?


With my adoption, the records were sealed.  Over  time the rules were changed to allow either side to engage the services of an independent third party.  The third party was given access to the files and was legally allowed to contact the other side.  That's what happened with me.  I got a surprise telephone call from an investigator who had put everything together and hunted me down.  She had a letter from my mother and grandmother that she would send me if I desired.  I was given the right to decline the letter and any further contact at which point it was case closed.

After discussing with my wife, I gave the go ahead to have my contact information released to my grandmother and mother.  My grandmother called when I was out of town on business but had a long conversation with my wife.  A week later, when I was back home, my mother called and we talked for several hours.  After the conversation we exchanged cards at birthday and christmas for a few years but things just faded away.

That was 20 years ago.  I haven't had any contact with anyone from the bio family after those cards.  We lived over 2000 miles apart so it's not like we could surprise each other and it was well before facebook.  On one hand it would have been interesting to have more dialog with her.  But while she was half my DNA, my parents are the ones who took me in, raised me, and made me the man I am today.
 
2020-05-02 5:04:34 AM  

require PDA: 1 of 4 adopted kids here.    No way is that cool.    2 of my siblings went and looked and where destroyed.  Myself and my brother just decided to drive on.    Bio parents did what they had to do at the time.   Move on, there is nothing there that could change anything For anyone.


I blame 23 and me, and all that "find your roots!" nonsense promoted by various companies.

Of course you want to know.  But your parents gave you up for a reason, and they may not want to be reminded of it later.  They may actually be shiatty parents, and why do you need to know that?

I would never  feel more awkward than if i was trying to invent some relationship with a family or person who probably already has a family, and doesnt know you at all.

Course i am not sentimental about things like that and introverted besides, so i would not be that tempted, except to know what they looked like.
 
2020-05-02 5:12:03 AM  
i was adopted when I was 10 days old.
My parents have always told me. I knew I was adopted when I could understand what the word meant.

Never have had the urge to find them. Their loss. I am a hell of a guy.
Unless they are multi-millionaires.  Then I want to find them. lol

On a side note, a few months ago I was doing the "going over the will thing" with my parents.
I did look at my adoption paperwork that my parents had.
Whoever typed them up in the 60's couldn't type worth shiat. There were typos everywhere.
Funny thing is the first few paragraphs were all about privacy and how no names would be used.
But through out the entire thing, I was referred to as "Baby Boy Noonan".
How private is that?
 
2020-05-02 5:35:17 AM  

freddyV: i was adopted when I was 10 days old.
Unless they are multi-millionaires.  Then I want to find them. lol


Does the name Howard Hughes strike a bell?
 
2020-05-02 5:55:10 AM  
Maybe the kid was a product of rape, or the mother cheated on the dad, or they had an orgy and don't know who the father is. If the parents are now separated over this, there's a pretty good chance something along these lines happened. It's quite possible half of the relatives they're meeting aren't actually related to them.
 
2020-05-02 7:27:51 AM  
Maybe this wouldn't be such an issue if most so called parents considered having a children the weighty responsibility it is, But nah, most people don't put any thought into past "oohh a labradoodle I can teach to talk and shiat in the toilet and mow the grass"
 
2020-05-02 7:41:54 AM  

cherryl taggart: It's possible the teen parents were experimenting with controlled substances at the time of conception.  Years later, with more maturity, the parents may have been afraid of any damage they might have caused.

Or, they could have gone off the deep end into religious zealots and didn't want to be exposed as hypocrites for now expecting their kids to remain virgins.

My kids always want to reunite with their birth parents, and it's usually a disaster.  The parents have moved on, and the kid is always sure the parents have been missing their kid.  The kid is clinging and trying to force a relationship, and the parents want nothing to do with this stranger.


Unfortunately the birth parent should at the very least keep a record of their health information and their family health records so they can let the kid they adopted out have a record of all the health problems that run in the family and any genetic birth disorders which might result from them having kids.


It's the least they could do.
 
2020-05-02 8:00:03 AM  

punkwrestler: cherryl taggart: It's possible the teen parents were experimenting with controlled substances at the time of conception.  Years later, with more maturity, the parents may have been afraid of any damage they might have caused.

Or, they could have gone off the deep end into religious zealots and didn't want to be exposed as hypocrites for now expecting their kids to remain virgins.

My kids always want to reunite with their birth parents, and it's usually a disaster.  The parents have moved on, and the kid is always sure the parents have been missing their kid.  The kid is clinging and trying to force a relationship, and the parents want nothing to do with this stranger.

Unfortunately the birth parent should at the very least keep a record of their health information and their family health records so they can let the kid they adopted out have a record of all the health problems that run in the family and any genetic birth disorders which might result from them having kids.


It's the least they could do.


For that matter, all parents should keep that kind of info to pass on.  Lots of genetic stuff skips a generation, like my grandmother having her thyroid removed due to cancer years before I was born.  I had thyroid problems for years that went undiagnosed, because I had no idea and neither of my parents thought it was important to mention.  Their thyroids were fine, so mine had to be also.  There's also the specter of illegitimacy.  My dad was convinced for years that he was not my father, because I didn't have his brown hair.  Our eyes are the exact same color, my jaw had years of orthodontics to undo his bulldog chin, but to him, hair color was the only thing that mattered.  When my sister, brown haired and married to a brown haired guy, popped out a kid that looked more like me than either of them, he finally gave up the notion.
 
2020-05-02 8:02:12 AM  
Mrs. Nocrash was forced by circumstances to give up a newborn when she was a teenager. It was a tremendously traumatic experience for her. I can only imagine the stress and grief if she was forced to relive it. Do not want.
 
2020-05-02 8:03:21 AM  

cherryl taggart: punkwrestler: cherryl taggart: It's possible the teen parents were experimenting with controlled substances at the time of conception.  Years later, with more maturity, the parents may have been afraid of any damage they might have caused.

Or, they could have gone off the deep end into religious zealots and didn't want to be exposed as hypocrites for now expecting their kids to remain virgins.

My kids always want to reunite with their birth parents, and it's usually a disaster.  The parents have moved on, and the kid is always sure the parents have been missing their kid.  The kid is clinging and trying to force a relationship, and the parents want nothing to do with this stranger.

Unfortunately the birth parent should at the very least keep a record of their health information and their family health records so they can let the kid they adopted out have a record of all the health problems that run in the family and any genetic birth disorders which might result from them having kids.


It's the least they could do.

For that matter, all parents should keep that kind of info to pass on.  Lots of genetic stuff skips a generation, like my grandmother having her thyroid removed due to cancer years before I was born.  I had thyroid problems for years that went undiagnosed, because I had no idea and neither of my parents thought it was important to mention.  Their thyroids were fine, so mine had to be also.  There's also the specter of illegitimacy.  My dad was convinced for years that he was not my father, because I didn't have his brown hair.  Our eyes are the exact same color, my jaw had years of orthodontics to undo his bulldog chin, but to him, hair color was the only thing that mattered.  When my sister, brown haired and married to a brown haired guy, popped out a kid that looked more like me than either of them, he finally gave up the notion.


If he was still around you could always go on Jerry Springer...
 
2020-05-02 8:05:12 AM  
I'm in camp no contact whatsoever.  Just some opinions/ideas to consider.

- You might have been a child of rape/incest/infidelity/drunken excess or some other such thing.
- You may have been entirely unwanted by the mother, but some overly religious grandparent forced the birth to carry to term.
- It may be entirely insulting to the adoptive parents who absolutely wanted you, and cared for you as their own.
- Think carefully about excesses/horrors committed by small minded people who believe blood is some kind of determining factor in what is,and isn't moral behavior/acceptance into a community.
- Family is what you make of it.  It's sticking with the people who support for you, and who you support.  Family has nothing to do with blood.
- Chasing after a specific adult stranger, and being determined to bring them into/become part of a family is a sucker's bet.  You have one thing in common with them, and it's not a particularly important thing.  You may as well just knock on a stranger's door and say "Hi mom!"

I'm adopted.  I have a family. I don't necessarily like half of them.  I love the other half.  I love some people who didn't start out in my family.  The ones I love and who love me are now my family.  I respect my birth mother for making the hard decision to carry me to term, and put me up for adoption instead of aborting me... but that's where it ends.  I do not want to contact her, I do not want to be contacted by her.
 
2020-05-02 8:22:38 AM  

Some Junkie Cosmonaut: Anything else is "I want what I want so fark you and what you want."


Isn't the alternative "I birthed you and don't want you to find me, so respect what I want and Fark what you want"?

I think it's a bit more complicated than that.
 
2020-05-02 8:23:38 AM  

Ker_Thwap: I'm in camp no contact whatsoever.  Just some opinions/ideas to consider.

- You might have been a child of rape/incest/infidelity/drunken excess or some other such thing.
- You may have been entirely unwanted by the mother, but some overly religious grandparent forced the birth to carry to term.
- It may be entirely insulting to the adoptive parents who absolutely wanted you, and cared for you as their own.
- Think carefully about excesses/horrors committed by small minded people who believe blood is some kind of determining factor in what is,and isn't moral behavior/acceptance into a community.
- Family is what you make of it.  It's sticking with the people who support for you, and who you support.  Family has nothing to do with blood.
- Chasing after a specific adult stranger, and being determined to bring them into/become part of a family is a sucker's bet.  You have one thing in common with them, and it's not a particularly important thing.  You may as well just knock on a stranger's door and say "Hi mom!"

I'm adopted.  I have a family. I don't necessarily like half of them.  I love the other half.  I love some people who didn't start out in my family.  The ones I love and who love me are now my family.  I respect my birth mother for making the hard decision to carry me to term, and put me up for adoption instead of aborting me... but that's where it ends.  I do not want to contact her, I do not want to be contacted by her.


Tough call.

I agree with most of your post...but how about the inherited disease/genetics angle?  Doesn't a bio-kid have the right to know that stuff?

I'm pro-choice, so, bio-parents didn't HAVE to have the kid, but once they do, they owe a life-long debt of responsibility.

Only exception would be if the kid turns out violent, which happens...in that case, get a restraining order.

/one reason I don't have kids
//ymmv, of course
 
2020-05-02 8:34:18 AM  

PunGent: Ker_Thwap: I'm in camp no contact whatsoever.  Just some opinions/ideas to consider.

- You might have been a child of rape/incest/infidelity/drunken excess or some other such thing.
- You may have been entirely unwanted by the mother, but some overly religious grandparent forced the birth to carry to term.
- It may be entirely insulting to the adoptive parents who absolutely wanted you, and cared for you as their own.
- Think carefully about excesses/horrors committed by small minded people who believe blood is some kind of determining factor in what is,and isn't moral behavior/acceptance into a community.
- Family is what you make of it.  It's sticking with the people who support for you, and who you support.  Family has nothing to do with blood.
- Chasing after a specific adult stranger, and being determined to bring them into/become part of a family is a sucker's bet.  You have one thing in common with them, and it's not a particularly important thing.  You may as well just knock on a stranger's door and say "Hi mom!"

I'm adopted.  I have a family. I don't necessarily like half of them.  I love the other half.  I love some people who didn't start out in my family.  The ones I love and who love me are now my family.  I respect my birth mother for making the hard decision to carry me to term, and put me up for adoption instead of aborting me... but that's where it ends.  I do not want to contact her, I do not want to be contacted by her.

Tough call.

I agree with most of your post...but how about the inherited disease/genetics angle?  Doesn't a bio-kid have the right to know that stuff?

I'm pro-choice, so, bio-parents didn't HAVE to have the kid, but once they do, they owe a life-long debt of responsibility.

Only exception would be if the kid turns out violent, which happens...in that case, get a restraining order.

/one reason I don't have kids
//ymmv, of course


The medical could probably be addressed pre-adoption these days going forward, but only in some cases.  I really don't like your "owe a lifelong debt of responsibility idea" at all.  That kind of thing would result in less adoptions, more abandonment in dumpsters, more abortions.

A teenage girl raped by a relative has enough on her plate just surviving day to day, to be held responsible for expensive ongoing medical processes.
 
2020-05-02 9:00:47 AM  
And no one comes looking for their 'adoption' relatives whilst pushing a wheelbarrow full of lottery winnings saying 'Here, I want you to have some'...

/ find out medical info 'yes', but don't expect the grass will be greener
 
2020-05-02 9:49:36 AM  
I grew up the second of three adopted children in an unhappy home. Having been born in Ireland we knew a little more about my origins than most adoptees in the 60s. When my wife and I visited in 1990 we met with the agency who told us a story that was 90% crap (see the movie Philomena). We left our contact information and that was that.

Fast forward to 2008 and we get a call saying a birth relative trying to reach me. Eventually i spoke to a sister who caught me up on what brought her to me.

My birth mother died in 2004
In 2005 another sister who had also been given up for adoption found them, knocked on the door and said 'you're my father'. He denied it and sent her away. But it shook him enough to confess to his daughter and eventually they reunited with her.
In 2008 his little used conscience (he's manipulative pos) got the best of him and he came clean about me. Since the agency had my info it was fairly easy to find me and we traveled to Ireland to meet what turned out to be my 12 full blooded siblings.
I never asked for anything from them except to know them and their hospitality and generosity was overwhelming.
Since then we all participate in a group chat and 2 or 3 of my sisters I still talk to every day.

Of my 2 siblings that I grew up with, my sister who had been curious about her own biological family became jealous, petty and hostile to this day. My brother who had always responded with anger at the mention of his biological family couldn't have been more supportive and it made us closer than ever.

Also my wife and I adopted our first child and have had to navigate a few related issues with him. So I've seen adoption from a few perspectives.
 
2020-05-02 10:14:56 AM  
 What have we learned here today children? Facebook is evil? Correct.
 
2020-05-02 10:27:40 AM  
Either fark adopts a lot of adopters and adoptees or it's way more prevalent than I ever imagined.

/godmother's sons (some of my closest friends) were both adopted
 
2020-05-02 10:37:11 AM  

PunGent: Ker_Thwap: I'm in camp no contact whatsoever.  Just some opinions/ideas to consider.

- You might have been a child of rape/incest/infidelity/drunken excess or some other such thing.
- You may have been entirely unwanted by the mother, but some overly religious grandparent forced the birth to carry to term.
- It may be entirely insulting to the adoptive parents who absolutely wanted you, and cared for you as their own.
- Think carefully about excesses/horrors committed by small minded people who believe blood is some kind of determining factor in what is,and isn't moral behavior/acceptance into a community.
- Family is what you make of it.  It's sticking with the people who support for you, and who you support.  Family has nothing to do with blood.
- Chasing after a specific adult stranger, and being determined to bring them into/become part of a family is a sucker's bet.  You have one thing in common with them, and it's not a particularly important thing.  You may as well just knock on a stranger's door and say "Hi mom!"

I'm adopted.  I have a family. I don't necessarily like half of them.  I love the other half.  I love some people who didn't start out in my family.  The ones I love and who love me are now my family.  I respect my birth mother for making the hard decision to carry me to term, and put me up for adoption instead of aborting me... but that's where it ends.  I do not want to contact her, I do not want to be contacted by her.

Tough call.

I agree with most of your post...but how about the inherited disease/genetics angle?  Doesn't a bio-kid have the right to know that stuff?

I'm pro-choice, so, bio-parents didn't HAVE to have the kid, but once they do, they owe a life-long debt of responsibility.

Only exception would be if the kid turns out violent, which happens...in that case, get a restraining order.

/one reason I don't have kids
//ymmv, of course


No. If birth parents could bear that responsibility they would keep the child and raise it themselves. Birth parents make an adoption plan so that the child will  have parents capable of taking on a life-long responsibility to that child. It is patently unfair to demand any more from birth parents once the child has been placed for adoption.
 
2020-05-02 10:49:28 AM  
I feel led to add that the claim that birth parents have no right to privacy because of medical information is dubious. Most families make no effort to maintain any kind of family medical history. Thousands upon thousands of families discuss family medical history less and with less accuracy than they do sex education.

In fact, many, many families make an effort to conceal at least part of their medical history. No one tries to pick up women in a bar by announcing "I come from a long line of men who wet the bed to age 13." Some pediatricians complain that parents consistently lie about such conditions. They know someone is lying when each parent insists the condition could not possibly exist on his/her side of the family, but ultimately the doctor just has to move past that and treat the child.

Likewise, a young woman I knew in college was first alerted that severe autism - so severe older relatives she'd never met or known - had been secretly institutionalized when her second child was diagnosed with rather sever autism Knowing that Great-aunt Dotty went to the state home for the insane didn't help her or her child at all.

Being raised by a birth family doesn't change the fact that people don't communicate; people actively conceal information; and often that information really isn't medically useful. Contacting birth family is unlikely to provide anyone with a wealth of highly useful medical data.
 
2020-05-02 10:59:11 AM  

cryinoutloud: Course i am not sentimental about things like that and introverted besides, so i would not be that tempted, except to know what they looked like.


As much as I am opposed to disrespecting a birth parents right to privacy, when our open international adoption led to a visit to our child's birth country over a decade ago, we did send a messenger to see if our child's birth mother would be interested in a visit. When she returned a formal invitation for us to travel to her village and meet her, we leapt at the chance. It was strangely wonderful to see an entire village full of people with our child's striking beauty. It was also moving to see them treat our older child with the same joy and loving welcome.

Both our kids were slated to go back and visit this month, but Covid-19 shot those plans down. I worked for a year to buy tickets and reserve a hotel. The hotel was not a problem, but I received only a credit for the plane tickets. I am afraid that the money is actually lost forever. I promised our child's birth mother that our child would visit her again before getting married. I promised my child that I would send him/her on a trip to the birth country when s/he was old enough to remember the trip. My failure to get that done weighs on me.
 
2020-05-02 11:08:37 AM  
The contact/no-contact decision is a really, really tough one since any adoption is fraught with issues, but it gets even messier with multiple adoptees

#1 son has an open adoption- his birthmother came to his 1st birthday, we went to her college graduation, etc.  While she's drifted into her own life #1 son has met her husband, half brother and can still contact her whenever he wants.  It's about as ideal as it gets

#2 son's is closed by request of the birthmother.  We know (and understand) why, but try explaining to a young child why #1 son's birthmommy loves him and his doesn't.  A few years back (~age 10) he decided he wanted to write her a letter, so we tracked her down (We have enough info we're 90%+ sure we know) and he wrote a very nice handwritten letter with some photos letting her know he was doing alright.  About the same time we went down to visit #1 son's birthmother that letter got returned unopened.

All the rational explanation and sympathy from us in the world doesn't erase that kind of hurt.
 
2020-05-02 11:39:05 AM  
Could be useful for medical history reasons
 
2020-05-02 11:40:21 AM  
I've seen this from a different perspective. I have 3 adopted kids.  My youngest hasn't wanted any contact from her birth family for the last 8 years or so.  This has not been respected and it is very upsetting to her. Her birth father leaves her be - he's spending 30 years in a Texas prison. Her mother won't stop contacting her and has been making threats against me for 'stealing her baby'.
 
2020-05-02 11:55:59 AM  
The amount of people defending other persons that abandon children is farking disgusting.

The list of reasons you made is farking useless and shows how inept you are at considering this issue.

That child was innocent and many of them are to be traumatized for life.

Privacy? From your own offspring that you left in a farking basket? Are you serious? Eat a dick.

What a farking joke this society is. Look at this thread, that's American culture. Garbage.

No, YANTBG. These children will never be the bad guy. And anyone posting otherwise should have their ability to access the internet removed forever to prevent your dumb ass logic from spreading.
 
2020-05-02 12:06:56 PM  
I will never want to meet or talk to my biological "parents".  I don't feel anything good can come from that. When I was younger I had questions and thoughts about it but that changed as I grew older.

Oh and adoptive parents, when confronted about it by your children, you should never reply with "well you should just be appreciative we raised you".  No shiat...we're appreciative, but that kind of answer is demeaning and hurtful to children trying to figure out our live story.  Sometimes, for some people it would just be nice to look upon someone who looks like you.  It doesnt mean they don't love their adoptive parents, that's just you feeling jealousy that they want answers you can't answer.

/adopted from birth
//my parents are great
///but they have said that to me
 
2020-05-02 12:14:47 PM  
What more does this woman need to know they don't want her? They already gave her away.  That should have been her first clue.

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, at  least hopefully, they have donuts.
 
2020-05-02 12:41:40 PM  

07X18: I will never want to meet or talk to my biological "parents".  I don't feel anything good can come from that. When I was younger I had questions and thoughts about it but that changed as I grew older.

Oh and adoptive parents, when confronted about it by your children, you should never reply with "well you should just be appreciative we raised you".  No shiat...we're appreciative, but that kind of answer is demeaning and hurtful to children trying to figure out our live story.  Sometimes, for some people it would just be nice to look upon someone who looks like you.  It doesnt mean they don't love their adoptive parents, that's just you feeling jealousy that they want answers you can't answer.

/adopted from birth
//my parents are great
///but they have said that to me


That need to look like someone was hard when I was very young- the 4 of us could not be more different.       When I had my first son it was overwhelming to me how much he looks like me.     My father actually cried once looking at him and remembering me at that age.    As I got older and was busy with my life none of this every occurred to me again.

Growing up with a grandmother who would tell us all the time that we weren't REAL "PDAs" was awful
 
2020-05-02 12:48:23 PM  
We're not slaves to DNA. Your parents are the people who raised you.
 
2020-05-02 12:50:48 PM  

holdmybones: Some Junkie Cosmonaut: Anything else is "I want what I want so fark you and what you want."

Isn't the alternative "I birthed you and don't want you to find me, so respect what I want and Fark what you want"?

I think it's a bit more complicated than that.


It's really not.  When someone says no, I don't want contact with you - pushing it is not going to help.  Period.  Regardless of whatever moral, ethical etc. views may or may not apply, regardless of how you feel about it, you can't force someone to be in your life.  Not in any even remotely rational or healthy fashion.  They said no.  Sucks or doesn't, you need to deal with it and get on with your life.
 
2020-05-02 12:51:44 PM  

Drearyx: The amount of people defending other persons that abandon children is farking disgusting.


Realizing you can't responsibly raise a child and putting yourself through not only giving birth, but the torment of separation and grief to let your child be raised by someone not only in a better position to provide for, but is immeasurably grateful for the opportunity is not abandonment. That you see it as such reveals so much damage in you that i can't even fathom.
 
2020-05-02 1:10:29 PM  

koder: The only good to come from meeting your bio parents is possible [paid] organ donors and red flags for genetic predispositions (e.g. colon cancer)--and that's assuming they cooperate with either line of inquiry.


This is the only reason I would ever consider searching for any relatives as an adoptee. I assume they had their reasons for giving me up for adoption, and they are their own. I choose to believe they wanted the best for me.

Turns out I have a great life with a great family. So mission accomplished, far as I am concerned.

But as medical advances tell us many things are inherited, I would be curious if there are certain factors I should be looking out for. History of heart disease? History of cancers? History of Alzheimer's?

Would be great if there was a resource for this kind of thing. If anyone knows of any, would be curious to hear it.
 
2020-05-02 1:35:55 PM  

yakmans_dad: We're not slaves to DNA. Your parents are the people who raised you.


Environment can definitely affect your path, but you're DNA is pretty much what you are.

On my first trip to meet my birth family it was remarkable how many mannerisms we shared. And by the end of the first night it felt like I'd sat around the kitchen table with them my whole life. But maybe I was just determined to have a positive experience.
 
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