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(Huffington Post)   So, what tips do delivery drivers deserve for risking their health, their lives, their EVERYTHING to bring food to America's doorsteps during this plague? Remind them to wash their hands   (huffpost.com) divider line
    More: Interesting, Etiquette, The Order, Grocery store, tips matter, Etiquette experts, normal circumstances, customer tips, Local restaurant delivery drivers  
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570 clicks; posted to Food » and Business » on 09 Apr 2020 at 2:50 AM (14 weeks ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook



Voting Results (Funniest)
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest

 
2020-04-08 9:33:52 PM  
15 votes:

Kellner21: A blowjob, or at the very least, answering the door naked.

\Helicopter dick optional, but much appreciated.


I have a relevant story.

I've done a lot of delivery in a lot of different functions, heavy freight, legal docs, food, you name it, if it needs to be picked up in one place and put down in another, I've probably done it. I've never had the mythical scantily-clad customer, however. Except for once. I got a twofer.

A pizza, a crazy order. All meats -- pepp, sausage, ham, hamburger, Noah's Ark -- with like five different vegetables. Mustard on the side (???). I didn't really flinch at it, hey, to each their own. You might sense here that the customer was pretty special. I did. At first, I sensed it was a prank, but the staff cooked it and I ran it out. Ok.

So I take the order up to the hotel room I'm delivering to. A Sheraton. One of the Presidential suites on the top floor. Knock knock. No answer. Knock knock again. No answer, but I hear some rustling inside. I was about the call the number, when I heard a voice from with saying "AH'M HEAH OPEN UP DAT DO'"

So I open up. A sixty-something year old Parliament-Funkadelic looking dude is completely naked except for space boots, huge indoor sunglasses, like Blu Blockers, and a giant purple felt top hat with an ostrich feather in it. He's in the midst of receiving a blowjob from a woman who must have weighed upwards of 200 pounds, with a tiny waist and a butt larger than a volleyball.

I collect myself for a moment, and ask "Where do you want me to put this?"

"PUT IT DOWN THEAH! PUT DOWN ON THAT BUREAH"

I look over and there is a stack of bills and a rock candy mountain of cocaine about three inches deep.

"TAKE ONE O' THEM BILLS! KEEP THE CHANGE!"

I say, "Are you sure? Because I have change."

"TAKE THE CHANGE, BWAH! HELP YOU SELF SOME-A THAT BLOW! WOOO!"

I take a hundred -- evidently the stack was all hundreds -- and just sort of gazed at the coke for a moment.

"PICK UP DAT STRAW, MOTHERFARKER!"

I politely declined and said, "Thanks!"

He said "FARK YAH CUZ!" and went back to getting his headwump. I got out of there, and that was that.

As I said, it was a special delivery.
 
2020-04-09 6:41:55 AM  
6 votes:

vudukungfu: spelunking_defenestrator: Kellner21: A blowjob, or at the very least, answering the door naked.

\Helicopter dick optional, but much appreciated.

I have a relevant story.

I've done a lot of delivery in a lot of different functions, heavy freight, legal docs, food, you name it, if it needs to be picked up in one place and put down in another, I've probably done it. I've never had the mythical scantily-clad customer, however. Except for once. I got a twofer.

A pizza, a crazy order. All meats -- pepp, sausage, ham, hamburger, Noah's Ark -- with like five different vegetables. Mustard on the side (???). I didn't really flinch at it, hey, to each their own. You might sense here that the customer was pretty special. I did. At first, I sensed it was a prank, but the staff cooked it and I ran it out. Ok.

So I take the order up to the hotel room I'm delivering to. A Sheraton. One of the Presidential suites on the top floor. Knock knock. No answer. Knock knock again. No answer, but I hear some rustling inside. I was about the call the number, when I heard a voice from with saying "AH'M HEAH OPEN UP DAT DO'"

So I open up. A sixty-something year old Parliament-Funkadelic looking dude is completely naked except for space boots, huge indoor sunglasses, like Blu Blockers, and a giant purple felt top hat with an ostrich feather in it. He's in the midst of receiving a blowjob from a woman who must have weighed upwards of 200 pounds, with a tiny waist and a butt larger than a volleyball.

I collect myself for a moment, and ask "Where do you want me to put this?"

"PUT IT DOWN THEAH! PUT DOWN ON THAT BUREAH"

I look over and there is a stack of bills and a rock candy mountain of cocaine about three inches deep.

"TAKE ONE O' THEM BILLS! KEEP THE CHANGE!"

I say, "Are you sure? Because I have change."

"TAKE THE CHANGE, BWAH! HELP YOU SELF SOME-A THAT BLOW! WOOO!"

I take a hundred -- evidently the stack was all hundreds -- and just sort of gazed at the coke for a moment.

"PICK U ...


I read that story in this guy's voice

Fark user imageView Full Size
 
2020-04-08 8:45:35 PM  
4 votes:
Remind them to wash their hands

Thanks for the tip, subby,
 
2020-04-08 9:07:54 PM  
3 votes:
At least 40%
 
2020-04-09 7:35:29 AM  
2 votes:
20% minimum
 
2020-04-08 8:51:19 PM  
2 votes:
A blowjob, or at the very least, answering the door naked.

\Helicopter dick optional, but much appreciated.
 
2020-04-09 4:27:36 PM  
1 vote:

links136: nytmare: The restaurant charges you a delivery fee, but does it go to pay for delivery? Hell no, they keep it all themselves. Essentially charging you extra for not using their dining room. Fark this culture of skimming and deception.

That would be ubereats or whatever service center charging you that, not the restaurant.

Skipthedishes here.charges that, goes towards the driver,.the kids Chen gets nothing.  Any tip to the driver.

They also take 25% of.the places.revenue, because they essentially extort small businesses I to signing up as."it's the only way".  So fark your own selfish capitalist culture, it's society demanding that.

They could come and pick up and leave a tip,. It nope, delivery is much more lazy.

I've done $1k sales alone in the kitchen all day, start to end, prep open cooking cleaning etc.  Not a single cent in tips, because everything is delivery.  Your drowning in your own greed and I can't get enough of it.

All for 12 an hour working 6 days a week.  You'll just fine something else to whine about the place one.this is all over.  No way you could me grateful for.yhe effort I put I to getting your order accurate, tasty, fresh and attractive.

No instead you get dumbass you doesn't wash his hands, cares not for health regulations, might scratch his beard while making your burger, doesn't care if it's right or even hot or tasty, just throws it together and moves on to the next one.

Because who would want to put any effort I to service g you?  Be glad this beef wasn't shiat in.


Almost all restaurants that deliver charge a delivery fee, not just the delivery services. Since you claim to work in the industry, you should know that. Every local place around me and every national pizza chain I know of all charge delivery fees and they aren't outsourcing their delivery drivers. I have no idea what the local places do with that fee but I know the pizza chains don't give it to the drivers, they pocket it on top of already charging more than for carry out.

The various delivery services charge you a delivery fee, a service fee, sometimes an extra "we're busy" fee, and then you tip on top of all that. The whole model is pretty extreme. When I was in Seattle in January with no transportation during a storm UberEats wanted an extra $18 because of high demand, which is insane. Being "lazy" and not wanting to walk in the rain in January but still needing food my options were limited to some kind of delivery, regardless of cost. And yes, I still tipped.

Also, if you hate food service so much, and based on your incredibly dick-ish response you do, feel free to get a different job. Learn a skill that doesn't force you to work 6 days a week. Millions of other people have. Pluralsight is free right now along with tons of other resources. Change something instead of being a whinny little biatch because plenty of people are lined up to take your current job and there will be even more soon.

If you have time to rant on Fark, you have time to improve your life. I speak from personal experience.
 
2020-04-09 1:57:56 PM  
1 vote:

spelunking_defenestrator: "PICK UP DAT STRAW, MOTHERFARKER!"

I politely declined and said, "Thanks!"


You are a much better person than me. I would have jammed that straw into the middle of the pile and knocked the back of my head out.
 
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