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(Slate)   "My daughter attends college 8 hours away. She's 19. We set up her dorm, pay her tuition, give her money, talk to her daily. Eventually, she moved in with a guy, maxed out her credit cards, emptied her bank account. She ghosted us. What can I do?"   (slate.com) divider line
    More: Awkward, Family, Want, 19-year-old daughter, number of calls, Dear Prudence podcast voicemail, medical program, Sibling, history of your relationship  
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630 clicks; posted to Discussion » on 13 Apr 2019 at 10:14 AM (9 days ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



64 Comments     (+0 »)
 
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2019-04-13 08:19:27 AM  
Cancel the daughter's phone, health insurance, tuition. You have coddled her, and now she needs to learn that herself.
 
2019-04-13 08:26:02 AM  
Why assume HE did all that?
 
2019-04-13 08:27:54 AM  

weddingsinger: Why assume HE did all that?


Didn't you read the letter? He's a reefer addict. Those people are capable of anything.
 
2019-04-13 08:29:02 AM  
Accept she's now an adult and adults Fark up. Give her emotional support but make sure she cleans up the financial mess on her own or she'll never learn.

Been there done that.
 
2019-04-13 08:31:44 AM  

Gordon Bennett: weddingsinger: Why assume HE did all that?

Didn't you read the letter? He's a reefer addict. Those people are capable of anything.


we need pics before we jump to conclusions.
 
2019-04-13 08:42:53 AM  
Start passive aggressive sending her lingerie with a note that says 'For your future career as a stripper'.

Then ghost her.
 
2019-04-13 08:55:10 AM  

munko: Gordon Bennett: weddingsinger: Why assume HE did all that?

Didn't you read the letter? He's a reefer addict. Those people are capable of anything.

we need pics before we jump to conclusions.


Oh, we don't need pics. We all know exactly what those reefer addicts look like with their crazy bloodshot eyes hidden behind dark glasses, their beards and their turtlenecks and their berets. Their jazz records and chianti bottles drizzled with candle wax stashed away in their 'pad' while they're out all night drinking espresso and banging on bongo drums.

They're nothing more than a bunch of pinko Commie layabouts I tell you.
 
2019-04-13 08:59:17 AM  
She has discovered meth, don't let her back in your house.
 
2019-04-13 09:19:56 AM  
Wait. More than likely she'll be there crying on your doorstep in a manner of months. Parents, you're there to pick up the pieces.
 
2019-04-13 09:23:14 AM  

Gordon Bennett: munko: Gordon Bennett: weddingsinger: Why assume HE did all that?

Didn't you read the letter? He's a reefer addict. Those people are capable of anything.

we need pics before we jump to conclusions.

Oh, we don't need pics. We all know exactly what those reefer addicts look like with their crazy bloodshot eyes hidden behind dark glasses, their beards and their turtlenecks and their berets. Their jazz records and chianti bottles drizzled with candle wax stashed away in their 'pad' while they're out all night drinking espresso and banging on bongo drums.

They're nothing more than a bunch of pinko Commie layabouts I tell you.


You forgot the semen on their pants, from all the mastubation from when they're unable to find a rape victim.
 
2019-04-13 09:32:51 AM  
There's 2 sides to every story. Without hearing from their kid, I can't do much more than speculate while seeing perhaps some parallels to my own situation growing up. And in my own, I wanted none of what they were selling. Between my mom talking down about my wife who had pushed hard back on how mom was treating me. And my dad who worships at the alter of Hannity and O'Reilly. They could easily say "but we love him, he doesn't call though!"

I haven't talked to my dad since 2006 when he started to act on Coulters how to talk to liberal instruction book. Or my mom since 2009 when her 3rd husband yelled at then grabbed my kid for walking on their new carpet with a sippy cup of juice.

I'm not saying her kid is perfect, but there's always another side to the story.
 
2019-04-13 09:49:41 AM  
YOU set up her dorm? You talked to her EVERY DAY?

She didn't "ghost" you, she escaped.
 
2019-04-13 09:56:44 AM  
Stop paying for anything for her.  Welcome her back if she starts communicating with you again.  And maybe don't pay for everything for your younger kids as they go on to college themselves.  It won't kill them to have to get a part-time job to pay for their own beer and/or pot.
 
2019-04-13 09:57:30 AM  
I can't think of a single compelling reason to have kids.
 
2019-04-13 10:05:53 AM  

Gordon Bennett: munko: Gordon Bennett: weddingsinger: Why assume HE did all that?

Didn't you read the letter? He's a reefer addict. Those people are capable of anything.

we need pics before we jump to conclusions.

Oh, we don't need pics. We all know exactly what those reefer addicts look like with their crazy bloodshot eyes hidden behind dark glasses, their beards and their turtlenecks and their berets. Their jazz records and chianti bottles drizzled with candle wax stashed away in their 'pad' while they're out all night drinking espresso and banging on bongo drums.

They're nothing more than a bunch of pinko Commie layabouts I tell you.


KNOW YOUR DOPE FIEND. YOUR LIFE MAY DEPEND ON IT! You will not be able to see his eyes because of the Tea-Shades, but his knuckles will be white from inner tension and his pants will be crusted with semen from constantly jacking off when he can't find a rape victim. He will stagger and babble when questioned. He will not respect your badge. The Dope Fiend fears nothing. He will attack, for no reason, with every weapon at his command-including yours. BEWARE. Any officer apprehending a suspected marijuana addict should use all necessary force immediately. One stitch in time (on him) will usually save nine on you. Good luck.
-The Chief
 
2019-04-13 10:07:53 AM  

sigdiamond2000: I can't think of a single compelling reason to have kids.


me either. i am 50, have a 22 year old wife and no kids.
 
2019-04-13 10:13:33 AM  

some_beer_drinker: sigdiamond2000: I can't think of a single compelling reason to have kids.

me either. i am 50, have a 22 year old wife and no kids.


I used to look at my siblings with their kids and think that wasn't for me either. Now one of my favorite things has been curating my office so when they run up to talk to me about something, there's always something new in there for them to discover.
 
2019-04-13 10:14:16 AM  
I'm talking about MY kids.
 
2019-04-13 10:20:36 AM  
Daily parental calls?
She's 19! She does not need daily parental calls. Giving people money or resources is not the same as actually loving someone.

Why didn't you treat your daughter in a way that earned her respect? Money and resources don't undo emotional abuse, which is the most severe form of abuse according to MRIs.

You probably don't realize you've been an asshole to your daughter.

I ran away and did not come back or speak to my mom for almost a decade because she does not respect boundaries or my time. I came back when weed got legalized and convinced her to start using it because she needed an attitude adjustment. Now she's less of a rageaholic.

Find a hobby and give her space. She'll talk to you when she feels like it but you need a new hobby and time to reflect on why you and not the boyfriend inspired this change.

Your child cannot be your whole life, because you lose your own identity and that too much burden to place on anyone. She's 19 not 9. If you're lucky you might talk to her when she's 29.

Find something else to think about.
 
2019-04-13 10:21:52 AM  
Once they meet Carl Hungus, it's hard to keep them down on the farm.
 
2019-04-13 10:27:48 AM  

arrogantbastich: I'm talking about MY kids.


Grabbed him for bringing a sippy cup on the rug... you are a better man for not punching him in the goddamn face. What an asshole.
 
2019-04-13 10:39:51 AM  

sigdiamond2000: I can't think of a single compelling reason to have kids.


Someone's gotta milk those farking cows.
 
2019-04-13 10:51:18 AM  

sigdiamond2000: I can't think of a single compelling reason to have kids.


My kids drive me crazy, but they are also absolutely amazing human beings and I couldn't imagine life without them.

A contributing factor was that I thought I could raise my kids to not be mindless idiots like most of America. Someone's going to need to be on the other side of a Quiverfull vote.

We'll see how that second one goes.
 
2019-04-13 10:55:32 AM  

bdub77: sigdiamond2000: I can't think of a single compelling reason to have kids.

My kids drive me crazy, but they are also absolutely amazing human beings and I couldn't imagine life without them.

A contributing factor was that I thought I could raise my kids to not be mindless idiots like most of America. Someone's going to need to be on the other side of a Quiverfull vote.

We'll see how that second one goes.


To be clear, I don't think my opinion on the matter is normal or even necessarily healthy, but I've never been able to shake it.
 
2019-04-13 10:59:12 AM  

NewportBarGuy: arrogantbastich: I'm talking about MY kids.

Grabbed him for bringing a sippy cup on the rug... you are a better man for not punching him in the goddamn face. What an asshole.


Yeah, we just packed up and left. Just, not interested.

Later on we found out 2 out of his 3 kids don't talk to him either. But I'm the unreasonable one for not even saying hi to him at family functions.

My kids are taught they don't have to tolerate bad behavior by doing, not talking.
 
2019-04-13 11:02:04 AM  
Redecorate her room and turn it into a home office?
 
2019-04-13 11:03:31 AM  

sigdiamond2000: To be clear, I don't think my opinion on the matter is normal or even necessarily healthy, but I've never been able to shake it.


And I completely respect that. Don't feel you have to do something you don't want to do.

I'm just explaining my quasi line of reasoning.
 
2019-04-13 11:05:17 AM  
Weekend Prudie.  Yeah, I'm bored enough.

1) Chase The Ghost: I suspect you are not telling us everything we need to know.  But regardless, she's an adult and not in any actual danger.  STFU and MYOB.

2) 'Cause What I Want And What I Need Has Now Become The Same Thing: Again, this is an adult who needs to be adulting on her own terms.  STFU and MYOB.
 
2019-04-13 11:09:20 AM  

sigdiamond2000: bdub77: sigdiamond2000: I can't think of a single compelling reason to have kids.

My kids drive me crazy, but they are also absolutely amazing human beings and I couldn't imagine life without them.

A contributing factor was that I thought I could raise my kids to not be mindless idiots like most of America. Someone's going to need to be on the other side of a Quiverfull vote.

We'll see how that second one goes.

To be clear, I don't think my opinion on the matter is normal or even necessarily healthy, but I've never been able to shake it.


No, you are right, logically. There's no upside in brats. It's the people who desperately want kids who are the weirdos being driven by their lizard brain and not a single whit of rationality.
 
2019-04-13 11:13:24 AM  
I'm sorry to hear that this has happened to you, but I've got to be honest: there is more to this story. I don't know whether or not you know what it is, or whether or not it's your fault: either of these may be true, or both, or neither. That's one of the things that makes this so difficult.

I do, however, suggest keeping the lines of communication open. It's possible -perhaps even likely- that your daughter is ashamed of how things turned out, and is afraid to face your judgment. You can't count on being able to dispel that shame, but you should send a message with this possibility in mind.

Another thing to consider, though this will be hard to hear, is that there are darker possibilities. She moved in with a druggie who wants to keep everything about the relationship hidden from you: he might be isolating her deliberately. I recommend stashing a small amount of money aside as an "extrication fund" -enough for two runs of professional movers, a couple months of a storage unit, and transportation/hotel costs- in case she needs to escape at a moment's notice. Don't tell her you have this; just continue to reassure her that you've got her back.
 
2019-04-13 11:20:34 AM  

deadsanta: Once they meet Carl Hungus, it's hard to keep them down on the farm.


AND A GOOD DAY TO YOU, SIR.
 
2019-04-13 11:29:06 AM  

Millennium: She moved in with a druggie who wants to keep everything about the relationship hidden from you


Yeah,he smokes the DEMON WEED. They didn't mention this, but I'll bet he's a Negro who listens to jazz.

These are the kinds of people who would show up, unannounced, on a 19-year-old college student's birthday, when she lives 8 hours away. They would like that, right? No way would a a 19-year-old college student have any other plans. At best- at best- they're suffocating helicopter parents, with no real respect for her as an individual or as an adult.
 
2019-04-13 11:49:41 AM  
Future Florida woman...

The future's so dark, I need an LED.
 
2019-04-13 12:00:52 PM  

NewportBarGuy: arrogantbastich: I'm talking about MY kids.

Grabbed him for bringing a sippy cup on the rug... you are a better man for not punching him in the goddamn face. What an asshole.


Hey! It is just a sippy cup! Rugs can be cleaned.
 
2019-04-13 12:08:51 PM  

arrogantbastich: There's 2 sides to every story. Without hearing from their kid, I can't do much more than speculate while seeing perhaps some parallels to my own situation growing up. And in my own, I wanted none of what they were selling. Between my mom talking down about my wife who had pushed hard back on how mom was treating me. And my dad who worships at the alter of Hannity and O'Reilly. They could easily say "but we love him, he doesn't call though!"

I haven't talked to my dad since 2006 when he started to act on Coulters how to talk to liberal instruction book. Or my mom since 2009 when her 3rd husband yelled at then grabbed my kid for walking on their new carpet with a sippy cup of juice.

I'm not saying her kid is perfect, but there's always another side to the story.


I ghosted mine too.  Life is much better now.  I find it interesting that the person giving the advice never touched upon the fact that this mother comes off as very overbearing. Advice failure...
 
2019-04-13 12:17:14 PM  

no_tan_lines: arrogantbastich: There's 2 sides to every story. Without hearing from their kid, I can't do much more than speculate while seeing perhaps some parallels to my own situation growing up. And in my own, I wanted none of what they were selling. Between my mom talking down about my wife who had pushed hard back on how mom was treating me. And my dad who worships at the alter of Hannity and O'Reilly. They could easily say "but we love him, he doesn't call though!"

I haven't talked to my dad since 2006 when he started to act on Coulters how to talk to liberal instruction book. Or my mom since 2009 when her 3rd husband yelled at then grabbed my kid for walking on their new carpet with a sippy cup of juice.

I'm not saying her kid is perfect, but there's always another side to the story.

I ghosted mine too.  Life is much better now.  I find it interesting that the person giving the advice never touched upon the fact that this mother comes off as very overbearing. Advice failure...


It isn't all bad advice, they said to see a therapis. There's no saying they wouldn't then lead them down that path... The columnist probably has a line they can't cross tied to liability.
 
2019-04-13 12:31:33 PM  
You are an asshole parent.

How about you back the fark off and let your kid live their life. They're going to fark up, probably a lot since you've obviously bulldozered over any problems that they might have had and now have no life coping skills. You made this mess, now sit in it. And when your kid comes to ask for help be gracious. Also do the absolute minimum to get them out of whatever spot they're in. Don't keep bulldozering.
 
2019-04-13 12:58:07 PM  

malaktaus: These are the kinds of people who would show up, unannounced, on a 19-year-old college student's birthday, when she lives 8 hours away.


Our kid goes to school one hour away and we all openly joked, "Close enough to get there in an emergency, but far enough away that nobody is dropping in without calling first." 

Part of the whole 'college experience' is letting them learn to navigate the world on their own. Yeah, they'll occasionally fall on their face, but they'll learn from it. Staying out of it (obvious exceptions for health and safety) is both incredibly hard and vitally important.
 
2019-04-13 01:09:04 PM  
I concur with many of the posts above.  Obviously, we are not getting the full story.  Daughter is a) getting into drugs, b) escaping oppressive parents, or c) both.
My money is on (b).  WTF with parents showing up unannounced (and on an 8 hr drive)?  That's messed up.
 
2019-04-13 01:35:21 PM  

Circusdog320: Wait. More than likely she'll be there crying on your doorstep in a manner of months. Parents, you're there to pick up the pieces.


Sad but true. Cut her off for now, but she'll be back, and don't throw her out then. Really support her, and not with money. She's not an adult yet, and if they're farked up, the only thing that's going to happen if they can't go to their parents is that they'll end up somewhere worse.

no_tan_lines: I ghosted mine too. Life is much better now. I find it interesting that the person giving the advice never touched upon the fact that this mother comes off as very overbearing. Advice failure...


I think you might rethink this later. Unless your parents were absolutely brutal, you might want to have a nodding acquaintance with them later. You can know them, but keep strict boundaries. Even if you hate them, your parents are a big part of who you are. It's a hole you can't replace with something else.

I"m glad that I became friendlier with my mother when she got old. Despite everything, I see so much of her in myself.
 
2019-04-13 01:39:14 PM  
She now has two jobs and is still enrolled in college.

You know what, I read the whole thing and maybe this mom is way too much. Surprise visit? Uh no mom. Still, if the daughter wanted to be independent, she should have quit using her parent's shiat.

Cut her off. But don't lock the door, and watch for the signs of an abusive relationship--they love to get you to cut off your family. Even better if you have access to money.
 
2019-04-13 01:50:48 PM  

some_beer_drinker: sigdiamond2000: I can't think of a single compelling reason to have kids.

me either. i am 50, have a 22 year old wife and no kids.


Is she Canadian?
 
2019-04-13 01:53:04 PM  
You did a lousy job raising your daughter so shut up
 
2019-04-13 02:04:23 PM  

grokca: some_beer_drinker: sigdiamond2000: I can't think of a single compelling reason to have kids.

me either. i am 50, have a 22 year old wife and no kids.

Is she Canadian?


chinese
 
2019-04-13 02:25:23 PM  
So many people projecting their own issues onto this.
Have you considered writing to Slate?

/runs
 
2019-04-13 02:25:34 PM  
It's a swing and a miss for Prudie on this one. Did he never even consider that the daughter might be involved in an unhealthy/abusive relationship with the boyfriend, and that he's cutting her off from her family?
 
2019-04-13 02:55:35 PM  

some_beer_drinker: sigdiamond2000: I can't think of a single compelling reason to have kids.

me either. i am 50, have a 22 year old wife and no kids.


I thought the rule was half your age + 7?
 
2019-04-13 03:41:27 PM  
Well now that you have fewer expenses, go to Vegas.

You might even run into her there.
 
2019-04-13 04:47:28 PM  
Move without leaving a forwarding address?
 
2019-04-13 05:01:34 PM  
Sell the car, lease the daughter, refinance the trailer.

These questions are always very simple once you reduce them to the fundamentals.
 
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