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(Some Guy)   Subby needs some Friday lulz. Share your stories of schadenfreude, where co-workers, neighbors, family members, acquaintances, or just miserable annoying strangers got their comeuppance   (longreads.com) divider line
    More: CSB, Emotion, Book of Human Emotions, historian of emotions, Feeling, vital part of the way, people's work, personal favorite, sibling rivalry  
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68 clicks; posted to Discussion » on 15 Mar 2019 at 5:35 PM (5 days ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



26 Comments     (+0 »)
 
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest
 
5 days ago  
This one time on Fark someone wanted everyone to join their pity party..
 
5 days ago  
Welp. I guess I will get the ball rolling here.

One of the bullies was my cousins' cousin, who put straw over a hole in a barn loft that opened up to a horse stall below and coaxed me through it, (I was 6) making me fall 10 feet to the floor of the stall, landing on my tailbone and causing permanent back injury, then said after I was stunned and seeing stars in my face said "we should have put a pitchfork there"

What a cruel bastard he was. He liked to pick on all sorts of younger, weaker kids and I WILL NOT get into the things he used to do to little animals.

Fast forward about 5 years later when he was 13 years old he picked a fight with a black belt in karate. Big mistake. The kid delivered a killing blow, kicking him in the spine and in the throat crushing his voice box and permanently crippling him too. He lost his voice box and walked around with a Quasimodo limp.

It was the law of averages. The more people bully others, the more likely they're going to meet the one guy who kicks his ass in.

That's my schadenfreude story.

One of them at any rate.
 
5 days ago  
I worked for a cable ISP years ago back when 20 Mbps downstream speeds was high end stuff. We were set to rollout a new tier of 20Mbps service and we were all handed out documents detailing the service, billing, and the web site for customers with the service. Pretty cut and dry stuff.

The hours before the midnight rollout, my co-worker (we'll call him Bob) noticed that the domain for the site hadn't been purchased. This was one of those domains that mentions the name of the company in it and so you'd think that the higher ups would have done this months in advance, but no registration for the domain was found. Bob decided to "do the right thing" (he was in training to be a firefighter and this had become his mantra) and buy the domain from his workstation for the company and then ask to be reimbursed for the domain registration.

The next day comes and people call in about the web site and the domain. Eventually management gets wind of what Bob had done and had IT check his web traffic, which clearly showed his purchase. Bob comes into work that day and is promptly frogmarched into a supervisor's office where he is told to hand over the domain at once or be fired. Bob then insists that he be reimbursed for the cost, the manager said no and asked him for the domain again, Bob refused and was then given 10 minutes to clean out his desk.

Walking back to his desk with a box in hand, Bob then makes a loud ruckus about how he "did the right thing" and that this was a huge miscarriage of justice. Everything in the office grinds to a halt as he makes a show out of it. His last words as he walked out the door were "I busted my ass here and got NOTHING!"

Fast forward to a week later. Bob swings by for lunch with a co-worker of mine and wants to show off his brand new motorcycle. He zips around the parking lot which was built into a hill and has a bit of an incline. He then gets to the top of the lot and offers to show his friend how he can already pop a wheelie on his bike. Instead of doing that, he loses control on the incline, flies over the handlebars of his motorcycle, eats pavement at close to 30 mph, and watches as his brand new motorcycle (which he had yet to insure) goes up an embankment before the engine quits and tumbles down to the pavement, shattering into a million tiny pieces.

Bob had to be airlifted to a university hospital and it was later revealed to us that he had broken three ribs, both legs, punctured a lung, and shattered his pelvis, all while not having any insurance. Me being the smartass said aloud "So he really *did* bust his ass here and get nothing!"
 
5 days ago  
In the late 90s, I had a side gig doing freelance PC repair.  I had ceased taking calls from a certain customer because he deliberately short-changed me on a bill, and had given other indications of being sort of shady.  At one point, I witnessed him, a fully able-bodied person, whip out a ratty old disability window-hanger so he could park in the disabled spot when the parking lot was full (winking at me as he did it), that sort of thing.  I had casually mentioned my issues with him to another person in the business and it must have gotten back to this guy, who sent me a nasty letter about how he was an upstanding member of the community, head of the local BBB, that disability hanger was his wife's, how dare I impugn his good name, etc.

About a year later, he was sentenced to a few years in prison for embezzling from a synagogue and a cemetery he'd been put in charge of.
 
5 days ago  

TheXerox: Bob comes into work that day and is promptly frogmarched into a supervisor's office where he is told to hand over the domain at once or be fired. Bob then insists that he be reimbursed for the cost, the manager said no and asked him for the domain again, Bob refused and was then given 10 minutes to clean out his desk.


Why would they not reimburse? It seems that would have avoided a lot of unnecessary stress
 
5 days ago  
"River ice breaks up earlier than lake ice.  Time to get your ice-fishing gear off the river."
"Cool your jets - It never breaks up before March 15th."
---
"River ice breaks up earlier than lake ice.  Dude, get your ice-fishing crap off the river, now."
"Oh stfu  - I'll get it on the weekend"
---
March 15th?... gone:
cdn.aosom.comView Full Size

/ not my story, so no idea exactly how much stuff was inside his shelter but the thing alone was $$
 
5 days ago  
Early 90s.  I was consulting and working late.  I hear a scream about 6 PM.  Went to investigate, the receptionist had a black fuzz all over her, as did the entire room.  Turned out she had spilled printer toner, and used a handheld vacuum (they had a name back then, what was it?).  The toner particles were finer than the holes in the vacuum bag, so she created a black cloud of toner, which covered every surface in the room.  Including her.

/ figured I wasn't being paid $60/hr to clean up spilled toner
// in other words, she was nice but married and I had 0 chance
/// In other other words, I was an asshole in my 30s
 
5 days ago  
Many years ago, I bought a new car but then had to go to the bank to get the check, so the dealer released the car to me with nothing more than a signed IOU, which scared me a bit. I was driving pretty carefully on the freeway, but some jackass behind me wasn't happy with that, so he was tailgating and being a general nuisance. Finally, he pulled around me and screeched off ahead ... right into the waiting arms of a speed trap.
 
5 days ago  
The boy that lived two doors down was a bit of a bully.  He was my age or maybe a year older, and he loved picking on us three girls- often stealing my 2yeaes younger sisters "big wheels" (yep I'm old).  So one day my sister, all of 8 or 9 years old laid a trap for him.  She left her big wheels out on the edge of the sidewalk in front of our house, half in our yard and waited behind a bush.  He bit, She pounced and proceeded to beat the snot out of him.  (No punishment.  Dad was proud!  LOL)

Sadly,  he was still a punk after that,  but one who didn't mess with the Station girls.
 
5 days ago  
My turn:
My passenger and I were driving at night on I10 west in New Orleans  Speed limit is 60. I was going about 65 in the left lane and there are five lanes
This car comes up behind me and then passes me on the right. It was a state trooper in a tahoe. No big deal. He continues on his merry way. I let him get ahead, then kinda match my speed so I don't get to close. The trooper travels at abt 65 now as well. Still no big deal. He's now about 10  car lengths ahead.
That was the wind up, now here's the pitch:
This truck comes up behind me fast, real fast and he's got somewhere to go I guess and also passes me on the right. And goes in the left lane in front me. He's now between me and the trooper and gaining on her.
I elbowed my pax and pointed to the fun that was about to happen and started to decel so I wouldn't d get in the way of what was might happen next.
I figured the the pickup would hit the bakes whey they realized theere was a trooper in front of him
He did brake, but on to tailgate and then......he flashed his headlights at the trooper.
By this time my pax and i were going nuts in my car about how stupid this driver was
 
5 days ago  

TangoDown: My turn:
My passenger and I were driving at night on I10 west in New Orleans  Speed limit is 60. I was going about 65 in the left lane and there are five lanes
This car comes up behind me and then passes me on the right. It was a state trooper in a tahoe. No big deal. He continues on his merry way. I let him get ahead, then kinda match my speed so I don't get to close. The trooper travels at abt 65 now as well. Still no big deal. He's now about 10  car lengths ahead.
That was the wind up, now here's the pitch:
This truck comes up behind me fast, real fast and he's got somewhere to go I guess and also passes me on the right. And goes in the left lane in front me. He's now between me and the trooper and gaining on her.
I elbowed my pax and pointed to the fun that was about to happen and started to decel so I wouldn't d get in the way of what was might happen next.
I figured the the pickup would hit the bakes whey they realized theere was a trooper in front of him
He did brake, but on to tailgate and then......he flashed his headlights at the trooper.
By this time my pax and i were going nuts in my car about how stupid this driver was


Oops. So we marveling at the balls on this driver, I'm mean how many of us have wanted to that.
He did it.
To the troopers' credit, he did yield to the flasher and politely moved the the right before he turned on his lights. I was probably doing 40 miles an hour at this point trying not miss anything  This was something I had to see. Lol
The trooper escorted the crackhead to the side of the road.
I would ha e loved to hear that trooper when they got to the driver, or his stories of that stop later. It's got to be the funniest story ever.
Not related: the other day the dude in front of me got pulled over for speeding. Sweet. Thanks to waze and my max 360 I knew the cops were waiting ahead and let the annoying tailgater pass me. Two problems solved at once.
 
5 days ago  

Snotnose: Early 90s.  I was consulting and working late.  I hear a scream about 6 PM.  Went to investigate, the receptionist had a black fuzz all over her, as did the entire room.  Turned out she had spilled printer toner, and used a handheld vacuum (they had a name back then, what was it?).  The toner particles were finer than the holes in the vacuum bag, so she created a black cloud of toner, which covered every surface in the room.  Including her.

/ figured I wasn't being paid $60/hr to clean up spilled toner
// in other words, she was nice but married and I had 0 chance
/// In other other words, I was an asshole in my 30s


Dirt Devil?
 
5 days ago  

Snotnose: Early 90s.  I was consulting and working late.  I hear a scream about 6 PM.  Went to investigate, the receptionist had a black fuzz all over her, as did the entire room.  Turned out she had spilled printer toner, and used a handheld vacuum (they had a name back then, what was it?). The toner particles were finer than the holes in the vacuum bag, so she created a black cloud of toner, which covered every surface in the room.  Including her.

/ figured I wasn't being paid $60/hr to clean up spilled toner
// in other words, she was nice but married and I had 0 chance
/// In other other words, I was an asshole in my 30s


Dirt Devil?
 
5 days ago  
I was pulling into Target and some ratchet b*tch decided to come into my lane instead of waiting in the traffic that was sitting in the oncoming lane.  It's an odd intersection, so I wasn't about to give in to her nonsense by backing up into the highway to let her by.  So I just sat there, looking at her in the eyes.  She got violently angry, and eventually pulled back into her lane when there was a break in traffic.  I lol'd and went in my way, determined not to let it make me too mad, when a bike cop comes out of nowhere and pulls her dumb ass over.

Who throws such a fit over traffic stupidity?  Over their OWN traffic stupidity?
 
5 days ago  

Omnis_evil_twin: Snotnose: Early 90s.  I was consulting and working late.  I hear a scream about 6 PM.  Went to investigate, the receptionist had a black fuzz all over her, as did the entire room.  Turned out she had spilled printer toner, and used a handheld vacuum (they had a name back then, what was it?). The toner particles were finer than the holes in the vacuum bag, so she created a black cloud of toner, which covered every surface in the room.  Including her.

/ figured I wasn't being paid $60/hr to clean up spilled toner
// in other words, she was nice but married and I had 0 chance
/// In other other words, I was an asshole in my 30s

Dirt Devil?


Dust Buster.
 
5 days ago  

Snotnose: Early 90s.  I was consulting and working late.  I hear a scream about 6 PM.  Went to investigate, the receptionist had a black fuzz all over her, as did the entire room.  Turned out she had spilled printer toner, and used a handheld vacuum (they had a name back then, what was it?).  The toner particles were finer than the holes in the vacuum bag, so she created a black cloud of toner, which covered every surface in the room.  Including her.

/ figured I wasn't being paid $60/hr to clean up spilled toner
// in other words, she was nice but married and I had 0 chance
/// In other other words, I was an asshole in my 30s


Dustbuster?
 
5 days ago  

ViolentEastCoastCity: I was pulling into Target and some ratchet b*tch decided to come into my lane instead of waiting in the traffic that was sitting in the oncoming lane.  It's an odd intersection, so I wasn't about to give in to her nonsense by backing up into the highway to let her by.  So I just sat there, looking at her in the eyes.  She got violently angry, and eventually pulled back into her lane when there was a break in traffic.  I lol'd and went in my way, determined not to let it make me too mad, when a bike cop comes out of nowhere and pulls her dumb ass over.

Who throws such a fit over traffic stupidity?  Over their OWN traffic stupidity?


My friend was riding his bike straight through an intersection -he had green- and was hit by a woman who made a right on red.  She didn't even look and never saw him.  He wasn't hurt badly and as he was shaking it off she lit into him about how he came from nowhere and had no right to be on the road etc etc.  cop was in a nearby parking lot saw the whole thing and cited her for failure to stop, and I think a couple other things.
 
5 days ago  

Lipspinach: Dust Buster.


No.
 
5 days ago  

LaurelT: Dustbuster?


Yes.
 
5 days ago  
Which one....which one....

Worked with this girl that was vapid and ignorant. She didn't have any actual know-how at her job; she just wore low-cut shirts down which the VP would stare (now that I have your attention :-P) This girl would gush about her wonderful life and fiancée. Well, not long after she bought a new house, fiancée dumped her and got a new gf. Then the new gf got hired at our company and my coworker had to process the new hire paperwork and complete the on-boarding.
 
5 days ago  

Astorix: Welp. I guess I will get the ball rolling here.

One of the bullies was my cousins' cousin, who put straw over a hole in a barn loft that opened up to a horse stall below and coaxed me through it, (I was 6) making me fall 10 feet to the floor of the stall, landing on my tailbone and causing permanent back injury, then said after I was stunned and seeing stars in my face said "we should have put a pitchfork there"

What a cruel bastard he was. He liked to pick on all sorts of younger, weaker kids and I WILL NOT get into the things he used to do to little animals.

Fast forward about 5 years later when he was 13 years old he picked a fight with a black belt in karate. Big mistake. The kid delivered a killing blow, kicking him in the spine and in the throat crushing his voice box and permanently crippling him too. He lost his voice box and walked around with a Quasimodo limp.

It was the law of averages. The more people bully others, the more likely they're going to meet the one guy who kicks his ass in.

That's my schadenfreude story.

One of them at any rate.


img.fark.netView Full Size
 
5 days ago  
It's a minor story of my life, but........

Mid 80's or so my friend saved his money and bought a CD player.  First person I knew that had one.  But he would not let ANY of his friends touch it, lest we mess it up.  He'd lord over it and play music and chase people off if they got too close.

One night he and I are in his room (we were teens at the time) and the player door was open.  I went to put a CD in or at least shut it and he damn near ambushed me.  'Do NOT touch my player, you'll break it!'.

He then turned around and accidentally put his palm and body weight right on the CD shelf or whatever, snapping it and breaking the player.

I didn't laugh right away, but boy did I laugh.
 
4 days ago  

crow: TheXerox: Bob comes into work that day and is promptly frogmarched into a supervisor's office where he is told to hand over the domain at once or be fired. Bob then insists that he be reimbursed for the cost, the manager said no and asked him for the domain again, Bob refused and was then given 10 minutes to clean out his desk.

Why would they not reimburse? It seems that would have avoided a lot of unnecessary stress


This is just one of the many reasons why I no longer work there. The company was run by douchebags. Regardless, the failure to register the domain wasn't his thing to salvage. His need to always be the hero cost him.
 
4 days ago  
In college me and a couple of friends were at a keg party when a drunk began tossing lit fire crackers inside the house. He was a friend of the host, and no one seemed willing to stop his shenanigans. We quickly became tired of this and decided to leave, but had zero funds, so it looked like a busted night. On the sidewalk in front of the house, I found three five dollar bills. I quickly snatched them up, and told my friends " let's go buy a case of beer". As we were walking away, we heard firecracker guy hollering about how someone ''stole fifteen bucks from me'.
The beer was extra delicious that night.
 
4 days ago  

Lipspinach: Dust Buster.


Yep, dust buster.  I also remember dirt devil.
 
4 days ago  

ProcrastinationStation: ViolentEastCoastCity: I was pulling into Target and some ratchet b*tch decided to come into my lane instead of waiting in the traffic that was sitting in the oncoming lane.  It's an odd intersection, so I wasn't about to give in to her nonsense by backing up into the highway to let her by.  So I just sat there, looking at her in the eyes.  She got violently angry, and eventually pulled back into her lane when there was a break in traffic.  I lol'd and went in my way, determined not to let it make me too mad, when a bike cop comes out of nowhere and pulls her dumb ass over.

Who throws such a fit over traffic stupidity?  Over their OWN traffic stupidity?

My friend was riding his bike straight through an intersection -he had green- and was hit by a woman who made a right on red.  She didn't even look and never saw him.  He wasn't hurt badly and as he was shaking it off she lit into him about how he came from nowhere and had no right to be on the road etc etc.  cop was in a nearby parking lot saw the whole thing and cited her for failure to stop, and I think a couple other things.


Nice.  She probably didn't see him, and it scared the hell out of her.  Not that that's an excuse, because she should have had her farking eyes open, but she probably was startled down to her cotton socks, and adrenaline makes people do weird things.  Glad she got ticketed to oblivion though.
 
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