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(The New York Times)   Does parenting ever stop?   (nytimes.com) divider line
    More: Unlikely, Parenting, Parent, wealthy parents, Consumer Expenditure Survey, Adult, Income, Household income in the United States, parents' willingness  
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244 clicks; posted to Discussion » on 14 Mar 2019 at 12:20 PM (10 weeks ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



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2019-03-14 10:02:44 AM  
Frank Zappa - Torture Never Stops
Youtube TdbtZqEyE7U


LOL. Hell no, I still bug my father for woodworking advice, and my mother for gardening tips. They're gonna parent til they croak.
 
2019-03-14 11:07:46 AM  
All too often, it never starts.
 
2019-03-14 12:21:37 PM  
No
 
2019-03-14 12:26:35 PM  
Eventually you die.
 
2019-03-14 12:33:13 PM  
No. And it shouldn't. If you're farking up and 30 years old, your parents should still step in to tell you that you're farking up.

But it's not "parenting" when your parents are bribing people to break the law.

And as for this list?
Parents of adults 18 to 28 who said they ...
Reminded their adult children of deadlines they need to meet, including for schoolwork76%
Made appointments for them, including doctor's appointments74%
Offered them advice on relationships and romantic life42%
Helped them study for a college test22%
Helped write all or part of a job or internship application16%
Called or texted to make sure they did not sleep through a class or test15%
Told them which career to pursue14%
Helped them get jobs or internships through professional network14%
Gave more than $500 per month for rent or daily expenses12%
Helped write an essay or school assignment11%
Would contact a child's employer if he or she had an issue at work11%
Contacted a professor or administrator to discuss child's performance or grades at college8%
Wrote all or part of an essay or other school assignment4%

Only the bolded parts are really an issue. Helping your adult child with homework or to fill out their resume better isn't an issue. Doing all of the work is, but not just helping. And making an appointment is no different than when I ask my wife to because i need to see the doctor, and I'm swamped. Calling your kids' boss seems weird, and I'm on the fence about calling a college professor, but with the college one, if you're just trying to figure out what your kid is having trouble with so that you can help them, I don't see an issue. Trying to pressure them into a better grade is different.

But most of this shiat is stupid. "Offered them advice on relationships and romantic life". Really? Friends do this all of the time, no different if your parents do.

Once again, listicles are just a sign of the End Times.
 
2019-03-14 01:00:11 PM  

Mikey1969: But most of this shiat is stupid. "Offered them advice on relationships and romantic life". Really? Friends do this all of the time, no different if your parents do.


My great grandmother wasn't too keen on my previous girlfriend and she let me know. She was right, too.
 
2019-03-14 01:00:26 PM  
I'm 52 and my mother still gives me the "adults are talking" glare if I say anything when she's talking to her siblings.
 
2019-03-14 01:20:52 PM  

Lupis626: No


This
/you never sleep the same again
 
2019-03-14 01:24:20 PM  

Mikey1969: I'm on the fence about calling a college professor, but with the college one, if you're just trying to figure out what your kid is having trouble with so that you can help them


I still think that's weird.  The only time I got my parents involved in college was when I had a serious funding gap due to student loans going wonky and had to talk to one of the managers in the Bursar's office so that I could finish my degree. I got a major condescension vibe from her on the phone so I asked my dad for help.

And even then we agreed before meeting with her that he was basically a prop for me to use, so that I got to say, "Hey, eyes over here, I'm the one paying for this" when she started talking past me to him.

It was stupidly effective and I was able to get them to drop tuition to meet the max amount that Sallie Mae would lend me (ugh!)
 
2019-03-14 01:28:27 PM  

MusicMakeMyHeadPound: Mikey1969: I'm on the fence about calling a college professor, but with the college one, if you're just trying to figure out what your kid is having trouble with so that you can help them

I still think that's weird.  The only time I got my parents involved in college was when I had a serious funding gap due to student loans going wonky and had to talk to one of the managers in the Bursar's office so that I could finish my degree. I got a major condescension vibe from her on the phone so I asked my dad for help.

And even then we agreed before meeting with her that he was basically a prop for me to use, so that I got to say, "Hey, eyes over here, I'm the one paying for this" when she started talking past me to him.

It was stupidly effective and I was able to get them to drop tuition to meet the max amount that Sallie Mae would lend me (ugh!)


Like I said, I'm on the fence. I don't have an issue with a parent being involved, but like I said, calling to exhibit pressure and just calling to see if there's something they can do to help their kid are different. Still, I can see it being weird, but not something to freak out and make a list over.
 
2019-03-14 01:40:33 PM  

Mikey1969: Like I said, I'm on the fence. I don't have an issue with a parent being involved, but like I said, calling to exhibit pressure and just calling to see if there's something they can do to help their kid are different. Still, I can see it being weird, but not something to freak out and make a list over.


I think I'm with you - I have a problem with how the questions are worded. First of all, these are parents reporting that they did this for their kids.

So, for example, "Reminded their adult children of deadlines they need to meet, including for schoolwork".  Solicited or unsolicited? Because I'm nearly 40 and my mom still does this and it freaking drives me nuts. I'm well aware that April 15th is fast approaching, ma, but we filed our taxes in February!
 
2019-03-14 01:42:26 PM  
Children are a book written in a pitch-black room. After 18 years, you get to turn the light on and edit it.
 
2019-03-14 01:44:57 PM  
Not unless the kid dies.
 
2019-03-14 01:47:58 PM  

MusicMakeMyHeadPound: Mikey1969: Like I said, I'm on the fence. I don't have an issue with a parent being involved, but like I said, calling to exhibit pressure and just calling to see if there's something they can do to help their kid are different. Still, I can see it being weird, but not something to freak out and make a list over.

I think I'm with you - I have a problem with how the questions are worded. First of all, these are parents reporting that they did this for their kids.

So, for example, "Reminded their adult children of deadlines they need to meet, including for schoolwork".  Solicited or unsolicited? Because I'm nearly 40 and my mom still does this and it freaking drives me nuts. I'm well aware that April 15th is fast approaching, ma, but we filed our taxes in February!


Also, the grouping starts at 18, so at least some of these "adults" are still in high school, applying for their first ever job, that sort of thing.
 
2019-03-14 01:48:43 PM  
If you have raised your kid(s) right, then yes, it is possible.
 
2019-03-14 01:56:42 PM  
The answer is "fark yes," but my relentless seventy-year-old mother does not seem to agree with that, no matter how often and how intensely I ignore her.
 
2019-03-14 02:11:55 PM  

Yoda's Pen Is: If you have raised your kid(s) right, then yes, it is possible.


Except that kicking your kid out the door and telling them "good luck" they day they turn 18 isn't what being a good parent is about. As a parent, you are always there to give advice, lend a hand, or provide a shoulder to cry on, and if you don't provide these, you're actually a shiat parent, not a good one.
 
2019-03-14 02:20:02 PM  

pounddawg: Lupis626: No

This
/you never sleep the same again


Truth! I no longer know the feeling if a full night sleep or the sensation of being rested.
 
2019-03-14 02:31:11 PM  
Im guilty of one of these
Helped little h get a job
My friend and I were having our monthly breakfast meeting and asked me if I new anyone that wanted to work in his office. After some discussion about job details He asked me what I thought about him hiring Little h She went to the interview and started working there a couple of weeks later
Im still not sure what she does but she likes it
Not sure if this makes me a helicopter parent or not
Dont care I would do it again if I had to
 
2019-03-14 02:49:17 PM  

dwlah: Im guilty of one of these
Helped little h get a job
My friend and I were having our monthly breakfast meeting and asked me if I new anyone that wanted to work in his office. After some discussion about job details He asked me what I thought about him hiring Little h She went to the interview and started working there a couple of weeks later
Im still not sure what she does but she likes it
Not sure if this makes me a helicopter parent or not
Dont care I would do it again if I had to


Well, he brought it up, *and* he made the hiring decision, so I think you're in the clear.
 
2019-03-14 02:54:58 PM  
Can't stop. Won't stop.
 
2019-03-14 03:10:20 PM  

Mikey1969: Yoda's Pen Is: If you have raised your kid(s) right, then yes, it is possible.

Except that kicking your kid out the door and telling them "good luck" they day they turn 18 isn't what being a good parent is about. As a parent, you are always there to give advice, lend a hand, or provide a shoulder to cry on, and if you don't provide these, you're actually a shiat parent, not a good one.


Sorry if I triggered you... simply pointing out some kids are capable of becoming adults when they are raised with that expectation.
 
Ant
2019-03-14 03:12:42 PM  
My son has type 1 diabetes, so we'll keep him on our insurance and keep nagging him about his A1C until he's at least 26. If that makes us helicopter parents, I don't give a shiat.
 
2019-03-14 03:37:22 PM  

Yoda's Pen Is: Mikey1969: Yoda's Pen Is: If you have raised your kid(s) right, then yes, it is possible.

Except that kicking your kid out the door and telling them "good luck" they day they turn 18 isn't what being a good parent is about. As a parent, you are always there to give advice, lend a hand, or provide a shoulder to cry on, and if you don't provide these, you're actually a shiat parent, not a good one.

Sorry if I triggered you... simply pointing out some kids are capable of becoming adults when they are raised with that expectation.


You didn't "trigger" anything. I merely pointed out that people who think they can kick the kids out the day they turn 18 are bad parents. Didn't mean to point out your inadequacies.
 
2019-03-14 03:58:38 PM  
I'm 58, my Mom is 80 and she still calls all the time to "remind" me of this that and the other.

I absolutely dread losing my parents.  I already know that it will cause a gigantic hole in my life.  I always figured my sister and I would get through it together.  She died at 45 from ovarian cancer.

Maybe I will get hit by a bus.
 
2019-03-14 04:05:23 PM  
Parenting stops when the parents decide that it stops. The real question is when, and under what conditions, it's acceptable for parenting to stop.
 
2019-03-14 04:16:35 PM  

Millennium: Parenting stops when the parents decide that it stops. The real question is when, and under what conditions, it's acceptable for parenting to stop.


Interesting.  In my case parenting stopped when I was 18 and went to college.  Not because my parents actively decided to stop parenting me (or providing advice/guidance/etc), but I decided I was an adult who can handle my own shiat and no longer required or desired their help.

I saw people who would call their parents every day.  That seemed problematic to me, but to each their own.
 
2019-03-14 04:35:53 PM  
My wife and I were well into our 30s, with children, careers, a house etc before we were considered "not children" by the older generations. If that meant Aunt Jeanne was making us her famous pancakes when we slept over, I was fine with it.

As to the article, except for college tuition (which I covered on my own after my dad passed) and room and board (aka I lived at home when I went to college) I was basically on my own at 18.I asked my folks for advice now and then, but I suspect every young adult does that from time to time (especially when the first child arrives. I almost never talked with my parents about my romantic life aside from normal discussions with my father about girls when I was inexperienced and then again with my mother when I was getting serious with my wife.

My eldest is 18 now and off to college in the fall. Aside from his academic scholarship, I am covering his expenses. My wife and I saved for it and, sadly, I have her life insurance money to make sure. He is not going far, a 90 minute drive (longer if you have to take the train obviously) and he is asking me if he should come home on weekends. I told him he shouldn't aside from holidays or family events, unless he just wants to visit (aka eat and do laundry for free). I'm forcing him out of the nest. I'm going to do the same with my daughter in a few years.

I hope to have some money to give them when they are starting out. As a widower who will be living by myself once both are out of the house, I won't need much space and can downsize.

But the harder part is when you become your parent's parent. My mother still treated us as her children while we made sure her bills were paid, she had groceries, did chores she could no longer do, made sure she went to doctor's appointments etc.
 
2019-03-14 04:40:43 PM  
My son is a full grown, successful, independent adult.

I'm I still "parenting?"  Absolutely.  No. I don't track his movements, or tell him what he should be doing.  Sometimes parenting means letting them live their own lives.

But I did FB him the other day to tell him I loved him.  I say it a lot, but I just wanted to say it again.
 
2019-03-14 04:45:17 PM  
By the time they're finally done, you may be called upon to return the favor.
 
2019-03-14 05:29:00 PM  

Billy Liar: By the time they're finally done, you may be called upon to return the favor.


Awesome! That means I legitimately get to ignore them and refuse to give them any kind of emotional support and I can live my life as though I don't have any pesky dependents! Thanks for the validation!
 
2019-03-14 06:04:15 PM  
Holy hell, my kids are certified tards, and I'm working my fingers to the bone to be as far out of their lives as possible.  The kids get advice about where to look for a job, based on their limits and abilities. Then we'll practice interviews and I'll probably drive them so they can stay focused, but they walk through the door on their own.

I have been known to send thank you notes to employers that hired one of my kids.
 
2019-03-15 11:41:58 AM  
I'm 45 years old and just yesterday my parents bought me groceries. Been giving me money each month to cover my budget shortfalls too.

Sometimes life just kicks you in the balls and you need help hetting back up. That's what good families do, they take care of and care about each other.
 
2019-03-15 01:08:17 PM  
After some stupid thing our son did my wife asked her mom, "When do you stop worrying about your kids?" Her mom responded, "The day they throw the dirt on your coffin."

My son's 26 and I will always be there to help him when/if he needs it. When his car was wrecked in an accident we "sold" him ours (he took over the payments). He doesn't make a lot of money so we've kept him on our cell plan and car insurance policy but he pays us back. It was amazing how he used to think we were amazing and infallible, then that we were meddlesome and moronic and now thinks that we are pretty competent with a lot of real world experience and sometimes know what the hell we're talking about.
 
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