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(Slate)   "Dear Prudence: I met my husband ten years ago; he was kind, adventurous, unemployed, and a drinker. There were flags, but I'd just gotten out of a bad relationship. Which I'm in now. He says he'll die if I divorce him, but nothing is left. What do?"   (slate.com) divider line
    More: Awkward, Dear Prudence, wonderful 8-year-old, 2-year-old daughter, only time, Boyfriend's 8-Year-Old, depression needs, new skills, lot of other men  
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476 clicks; posted to Discussion » on 14 Mar 2019 at 9:45 AM (10 weeks ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



35 Comments     (+0 »)
 
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest
 
2019-03-14 08:10:19 AM  
Leave him. What he does after is not your fault.
 
2019-03-14 08:31:07 AM  
Buy a coffin, leave it in the living room, walk away.

Then have a Coke.
 
2019-03-14 08:44:13 AM  
Save yourself while you can.
 
2019-03-14 08:58:33 AM  
img.fark.netView Full Size
 
2019-03-14 09:01:52 AM  
Dump his ass. He'll find someone other dope to inflict his drama on, don't worry.
 
2019-03-14 09:10:20 AM  
First, don't pretend that being unemployed and drinking too much AREN'T JOBS.  They may not be jobs that you would like, but they are a niche for others.  And, it seems that he's still kind:  Any spouse that will conveniently destroy themselves after the divorce should be commended.  I could think of a few instances where I and others could've used that type of kindness...
 
2019-03-14 09:40:45 AM  
Tell him you'll attend his funeral as you're walking out the door.  Don't let him guilt you into staying.

I find the second letter amazing.  Her husband is drinking 4 large bottles of vodak a month in secret at his office for the last 15 years and she hasn't noticed him coming home drunk?
 
Ant
2019-03-14 10:04:17 AM  

BizarreMan: Tell him you'll attend his funeral as you're walking out the door.  Don't let him guilt you into staying.

I find the second letter amazing.  Her husband is drinking 4 large bottles of vodak a month in secret at his office for the last 15 years and she hasn't noticed him coming home drunk?


Maybe she's never seen him sober.
 
2019-03-14 10:07:53 AM  
Leave. One of two things will happen, he will follow through or he won't. You can't control either one (even though he WANTS you think so).
 
2019-03-14 10:13:01 AM  
Leave, and stop getting into relationships.  Clearly you suck at it.
 
2019-03-14 10:16:46 AM  
"If you're not going to try, then I'm not going to stay. You have one month to show you are taking steps to improve. If you can't do that, I'm out. If you're not willing to go that route, I'm out. I need your response by tomorrow morning. Otherwise, I start packing this weekend. I'm not saying this out of anger, but out of love for you and love for myself."

I did deliver this speech, seven years ago. Still married...not perfect, but better.
 
2019-03-14 10:22:33 AM  
Ah, Prudie on a Friday - does it get any better than this?

1. Gosh, sounds like you picked yourself up a swell fella'.  A list of all his positive traits include...uh... he apparently worked for almost a month straight one time?  You don't mention kids, so that's a plus. Why the hell are you putting yourself through this?  Cut all ties with him. On your way out the door, toss him a dildo and tell him he can stuff himself.  After that, you only need to be concerned with him until the divorce is finalized.

2. So your husband has been a heavy drinker for at least 15 years and you never noticed. Suddenly this is a problem?  And you lay out this to him? "I told him we are now a dry household and that he had to stop drinking immediately and completely if he wanted to continue to live with me and the kids."  You are a sh*tty human being.  Seriously, a terrible, terrible person. You've just decided to weaponize your family to impose your will against him - and not because he's done anything wrong, only because he's done something that you decided you don't like.  If you were actually concerned for him (e.g., health concerns) or your family, you would offer support to work through this with him - but that's not at all what you've done. Go butt stuff yourself.

3. Jebus, lady, stop freaking out about it. You say "neither of us are perfectly comfortable with the "separating the art from the artist" approach, but we're at a loss for an age-appropriate way to have this discussion."  Well, get comfortable with it - it's fully age-appropriate.

4. Look for new employment. Strongly recommended to find a union district where they can't pull this kind of crap.

5. OK, this one is genuinely tough, you have my empathy. Ignore your aunts/uncles - they sound like assholes and you don't have time for that. Keep looking for a support group.

6. Hooray, back to someone who can be mocked.  If you think "She-Ra" instilled patriarchal ideas, you completely missed the farking point - that's on you, due to your idiocy, not the toy. By the way, what's the title of this Wonder Woman book that dedicates a page to ogling her legs? I think you're making it up, but I want to research this, just to be sure...

7. "Classic" Prudie, eh?  Well, even so, I'll answer this one. I saw a great documentary on this very subject. I could find the url for you... what was it?  something.... hub.com, I think?  BRB, if you need me I'll be in my bunk.
 
2019-03-14 10:39:49 AM  

BizarreMan: Tell him you'll attend his funeral as you're walking out the door.  Don't let him guilt you into staying.

I find the second letter amazing.  Her husband is drinking 4 large bottles of vodak a month in secret at his office for the last 15 years and she hasn't noticed him coming home drunk?


My math puts that at about 8 drinks per day. Depending on how he spread them out, it's possible he wasn't coming home drunk.
 
2019-03-14 10:43:30 AM  

eKonk: 2. So your husband has been a heavy drinker for at least 15 years and you never noticed. Suddenly this is a problem?  And you lay out this to him? "I told him we are now a dry household and that he had to stop drinking immediately and completely if he wanted to continue to live with me and the kids."  You are a sh*tty human being.  Seriously, a terrible, terrible person. You've just decided to weaponize your family to impose your will against him - and not because he's done anything wrong, only because he's done something that you decided you don't like.  If you were actually concerned for him (e.g., health concerns) or your family, you would offer support to work through this with him - but that's not at all what you've done. Go butt stuff yourself.


All of this. I stopped reading after that letter because it pissed me off so much.
 
2019-03-14 11:00:21 AM  

eKonk: Ah, Prudie on a Friday - does it get any better than this?


Friday?
 
2019-03-14 11:12:32 AM  
Post Bomb Cyclone Prudie.

1) Yeah My Whole Family Done Give Up On Me: GTFO.  If you are looking for absolution from anything that your husband does after you go, I grant it.

2) Gotta Get A Drink Man, I'm Gonna Get Gassed: Now this sounds like someone seeking an excuse to leave.  Seems it's a fairly recent discovery and making a snap decision may cause regret.  I would try couples therapy, but it's possible trust is too far broken.  Good luck.

3) Like Mike, I Wanna Be Like Mike: My advice, resubmit to Care and Feeding.  Core competency thing, you know.

4) I Just Got Paid Today, Got Me A Pocket Full of Change: I don't necessarily think it is a mistake.  Having said that, it does not hurt to confirm because if it is a mistake and you didn't check, that's a great excuse to push someone out the door.  Safe play is to ask.

5) Suddenly, I'm Not Half The Man I Used To Be: Sorry to hear it.  Find better therapy.  Tell your dad's siblings to STFU and MYOB as needed.

6) I Am Wonder Woman, Hear Me Roar: STFU and MYOB.  As Prudie said, it's easily left on the shelf.  Panic if you start getting re-prints of original Wonder Woman comics of the William Moulton Marston era.

7) Ain't No Law Against It Yet, Oh She Bop (Classic): It could be something else.  More evidence is necessary, perhaps audio is enough, but maybe a night vision camera.
 
2019-03-14 11:12:49 AM  

Sum Guye: eKonk: Ah, Prudie on a Friday - does it get any better than this?

Friday?


media.giphy.comView Full Size
 
2019-03-14 11:23:08 AM  

BizarreMan: Tell him you'll attend his funeral as you're walking out the door.  Don't let him guilt you into staying.

I find the second letter amazing.  Her husband is drinking 4 large bottles of vodak a month in secret at his office for the last 15 years and she hasn't noticed him coming home drunk?


One a week...really not that much for a heavy drinker/drunk.
 
2019-03-14 11:45:00 AM  
It seems it's your turn to wear the strap on.

JC
 
2019-03-14 11:47:21 AM  
His answer to everything is a "fresh start," In AA, they call it a "geographical cure."

And he threatened to kill himself if she left? Low blow and not her fault. That's the most manipulative way to get to a person. I'm sure this will bring cries of outrage here, but she should attend a few Al-Anon meetings. There's lots of women and men around there who are dealing with the exact same thing--they still love em, but they can't live with the drinking and the depression anymore. It's the depression that is more of a problem--alcoholics have no hope. They keep going through life, but they don't know why. And it shows.

So he might kill himself if she left, but it's not on her. She should give him an ultimatum, move out, and then maybe hang around and try to help him with his problems. Don't divorce him. But the partner can't carry the weight of the hopeless drinker.

He might not even be an alcoholic, if he's been functioning that well for years. He might just be a miserable depressed drunk, and makes it worse by constant drinking.
People have to change sometimes. Or not. But it's not on her.
 
2019-03-14 12:11:12 PM  
All great relationships are built on ultimatums.
 
2019-03-14 12:47:59 PM  
My awful, manipulative husband says he'll kill himself if I leave, what do I do?
As you go, tell him that drowning is the most painless way to go, as long as he weighs himself down and the water is deep enough.  Now, since this is an advice column I will clarify that this is entirely untrue - drowning is incredibly painful and unpleasant - the painless way the old hose on the exhaust pipe trick, because you just go to sleep - but seems like this a-hole deserves the drowning.

I was snooping in my husbands finances and found out he drinks so I demanded he stop immediately because I don't like it.  Praise me!
Maybe he wouldn't drink so much, or do so in secret, if you weren't devoting yourself to making his life as miserable as possible at every opportunity.  Leave him.  Take the kids if you want, but the important part is that he gets free of you.

I don't know how to have an age appropriate conversation with my boyfriend's son.  Help!
Yes you do.  You're just looking for an excuse to have a conversation about an uncomfortable and contentious topic.  You talk to a child like they're a person (pro-tip: this tends to work because children are, in fact, people) and keep your word choice at an appropriate level - you're not trying to impress an SAT board here so drop the five dollar words and speak simply - and if the kid asks you what a word means, you tell them.  But the real thing you need to do is figure out how you feel about the issue before you try to tell the kid how he should feel about it.

I think I accidentally got my husband's raise at work, should I tell someone?
No.  Your husband should contact HR and tell them the 2% he received is insufficient given the added responsibilities he's been tasked with.  Don't tell your employer that you're a husband and wife employee team, and don't think about it that way.  You're both individually employees as far as the company is concerned.  And if they take away your raise then you didn't deserve it in the first place.

My mom died and my dad is sick, and everybody hates me. Help!
Hokay, we got a coupla things here.  First and foremost, your dad's siblings.  Tell them to STFU and EABOD.  They talk about you "abandoning" him because they don't want any responsibility for caring for him / interacting with him, and would greatly prefer to foist 100% of uncomfortable familial duties onto you.
Second, stop calling your dad every week.  Don't cut off contact completely, but skip a week.  Then, in a few weeks, skip another.  Then you're calling every other week.  Then twice a month.  Then once a month.  You should try to stick to once a month (that whole uncomfortable familial duties thing) but you're not really obligated to go above and beyond that - especially in light of your existing contributions to your father's care and well-being.  Finally and most importantly, your grief is just as valid as anybody else's, anybody who tries to diminish that is an asshole you don't need in your life.

I'm a hyperfeminist and overly sensitive towards depictions of women in media, how do I get my best friend / godmother to my daughter to not buy my daughter books with content I decree inappropriate?
You can't.  Get over it.  You'll always find something you have a problem with if you look hard enough.  My initial presumption being that the Wonder Woman book you mention not having been printed more than 20 years ago, I find your classification of a page "dedicated to ogling WW's legs" lacks credibility.

My roommate jills off at night after she goes to bed.  I want her to stop, but not to have to talk about it.  What do I do?
As long as she's not asking you to join in, STFU, MYOB, and get the fork over it.
 
2019-03-14 12:50:37 PM  

cloudofdust: BizarreMan: Tell him you'll attend his funeral as you're walking out the door.  Don't let him guilt you into staying.

I find the second letter amazing.  Her husband is drinking 4 large bottles of vodak a month in secret at his office for the last 15 years and she hasn't noticed him coming home drunk?

My math puts that at about 8 drinks per day. Depending on how he spread them out, it's possible he wasn't coming home drunk.


Is there any standard definition of "large bottle" of vodak?

The standard sizes in Europe would tend to be 70cl, 1l or, for industry 1.5l, but you tend not to find 1.5l bottles in your local supermarket.
 
2019-03-14 02:22:45 PM  
You're not responsible for someone else's happiness.  If they don't have it on their own, they're not going to have it with you.  You staying isn't do anything to make his life better.  You need to walk.

If you care enough to help (which is my guess when you wrote the entry), try to set him on a path to getting better when you go.  Resources for therapy and medication, friends to check in on him, stuff like that.  People are often surprised how much fragility and instability get better once you can sleep and keep a thought in your head.  Meds and counseling go a long, long way to getting on a road to healthy.
 
2019-03-14 02:33:34 PM  

physt: Leave him. What he does after is not your fault.


This. You can't control what someone else does.
 
2019-03-14 03:00:02 PM  

hobnail: [img.fark.net image 300x168]


media1.tenor.comView Full Size
You beat me to it so animated and captioned itbis
 
2019-03-14 03:00:03 PM  
Alright, you poor, pathetic, advice-seeking schlubs. It's your lucky day. The doctor* is in.

Mrs Miserable: FFS, leave him. His behavior is abusive, and in the unlikely event he does something to himself when you leave, that's absolutely not your fault.

One other comment on this one. The letter writer said: I still love him, but I don't like him much anymore, I don't enjoy being around him, and thinking of my life being like this for years to come makes me incredibly depressed.
I've got to wonder how some people define "love". If you don't like someone, don't like being around them, and the thought of being around them in the future is depressing, that doesn't sound like love. Don't mistake "I don't want him to die" for romantic love.

F and F: Define "large bottle". A handle would be over 5 drinks a day. That's quite a bit to hide. 750ml bottles would be just over 2 a day. That's not that much. At any rate, jumping immediately to an ultimatum doesn't seem like a great approach.

BF's kid loves MJ: Why would an 8 yr old care that a singer hung out with the Beatles? I suppose dad likes the Beatles. The son is at an age when dad liking something means the son likes it too. He'll grow out of it. Anyway, as for the actual question, meh. I don't know. I just hope he sings "Billy Jean" because hearing an 8 yr old denying paternity would be amusing.

Contract Discrepancies: Boring question is boring. Next time be less boring. Add something about someone schtupping someone else. Doesn't matter if it's true or not.

Conflicted Father's Girl: Get thee to another support group.

Fairy Godmother: Yeah, this seems like an overreaction. Some comic books are still really farking sexist, but I can't imagine a Wonder Woman book aimed at toddlers is one of them. As she grows up, teach the kid about some women who can be strong female role models. She'll be okay. Hey look, a Ruth Bader Ginsburg action figure.

* not an actual doctor
 
2019-03-14 03:06:13 PM  
Classic Prudie:
I'd say MYOB and go the fark to sleep, but what's the fun in that? When you hear your roomie starting her personal time, you must start your own, only be much, much noisier about it. If people two floors away can't hear you, you're not being noisy enough. That'll show her!
 
2019-03-14 03:55:21 PM  

cloudofdust: BizarreMan: Tell him you'll attend his funeral as you're walking out the door.  Don't let him guilt you into staying.

I find the second letter amazing.  Her husband is drinking 4 large bottles of vodak a month in secret at his office for the last 15 years and she hasn't noticed him coming home drunk?

My math puts that at about 8 drinks per day. Depending on how he spread them out, it's possible he wasn't coming home drunk.


Did anyone stop and consider maybe he's Captain America and CAN'T get drunk?
 
2019-03-14 04:48:19 PM  
I wonder if the woman who's on about Wonder Woman has seen the older WW TV shows. It's not very sexualized--she has bare legs, but everything's covered like a swimsuit, not even that much cleavage--and it's got a lot of the Wonder Woman feminism in it. I watched those all the time as a kid, they were my favorite thing ever, and I still love Linda Carter's portrayal of Wonder Woman.
 
2019-03-14 05:58:30 PM  

iron de havilland: cloudofdust: BizarreMan: Tell him you'll attend his funeral as you're walking out the door.  Don't let him guilt you into staying.

I find the second letter amazing.  Her husband is drinking 4 large bottles of vodak a month in secret at his office for the last 15 years and she hasn't noticed him coming home drunk?

My math puts that at about 8 drinks per day. Depending on how he spread them out, it's possible he wasn't coming home drunk.

Is there any standard definition of "large bottle" of vodak?

The standard sizes in Europe would tend to be 70cl, 1l or, for industry 1.5l, but you tend not to find 1.5l bottles in your local supermarket.


I assumed large bottle meant what is known in the US as a "handle" which is 1.75l. A regular sized bottle in the US is usually 750ml.
 
2019-03-14 07:16:41 PM  

Madstand: cloudofdust: BizarreMan: Tell him you'll attend his funeral as you're walking out the door.  Don't let him guilt you into staying.

I find the second letter amazing.  Her husband is drinking 4 large bottles of vodak a month in secret at his office for the last 15 years and she hasn't noticed him coming home drunk?

My math puts that at about 8 drinks per day. Depending on how he spread them out, it's possible he wasn't coming home drunk.

Did anyone stop and consider maybe he's Captain America and CAN'T get drunk?


i.redd.itView Full Size
She'll never know you're drunk if she's never seen you sober
 
2019-03-14 07:35:20 PM  

cloudofdust: iron de havilland: cloudofdust: BizarreMan: Tell him you'll attend his funeral as you're walking out the door.  Don't let him guilt you into staying.

I find the second letter amazing.  Her husband is drinking 4 large bottles of vodak a month in secret at his office for the last 15 years and she hasn't noticed him coming home drunk?

My math puts that at about 8 drinks per day. Depending on how he spread them out, it's possible he wasn't coming home drunk.

Is there any standard definition of "large bottle" of vodak?

The standard sizes in Europe would tend to be 70cl, 1l or, for industry 1.5l, but you tend not to find 1.5l bottles in your local supermarket.

I assumed large bottle meant what is known in the US as a "handle" which is 1.75l. A regular sized bottle in the US is usually 750ml.


Genuine thanks for taking my question at face value and answering it.

FWIW the 1.5l bottles tend to have the upside-down labels so they're the right way up in optics.
 
2019-03-14 11:50:27 PM  
Fark, I am disappoint....

img.fark.netView Full Size


Besides, the recurring and end product is stress...   stress is really bad for you.   Can cause heart attacks, strokes, fired guns, etc..  If a relationship is bad and not fixable, later, gator.
 
2019-03-15 02:11:33 PM  

iron de havilland: cloudofdust: iron de havilland: cloudofdust: BizarreMan: Tell him you'll attend his funeral as you're walking out the door.  Don't let him guilt you into staying.

I find the second letter amazing.  Her husband is drinking 4 large bottles of vodak a month in secret at his office for the last 15 years and she hasn't noticed him coming home drunk?

My math puts that at about 8 drinks per day. Depending on how he spread them out, it's possible he wasn't coming home drunk.

Is there any standard definition of "large bottle" of vodak?

The standard sizes in Europe would tend to be 70cl, 1l or, for industry 1.5l, but you tend not to find 1.5l bottles in your local supermarket.

I assumed large bottle meant what is known in the US as a "handle" which is 1.75l. A regular sized bottle in the US is usually 750ml.

Genuine thanks for taking my question at face value and answering it.

FWIW the 1.5l bottles tend to have the upside-down labels so they're the right way up in optics.


I spend no time in bars and haven't seen the kind of dispensing apparatus that uses those bottles in years.

It's surprising difficult to find a good picture of a handle.

img.fark.netView Full Size
 
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