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(Slate)   "I want to be a mother; I broke off a relationship as my partner didn't want kids. I'm 32 now and don't have many years left to bear a child; how long must I wait for my current partner to tell me he wants to be a parent? Should I demand an answer?"   (slate.com) divider line
    More: Awkward, 2007 singles, Sexual intercourse, Need, WANT, Anxiety, 32-year-old woman, Human sexuality, phone conversations  
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286 clicks; posted to Discussion » on 13 Mar 2019 at 3:35 PM (7 days ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



44 Comments     (+0 »)
 
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest
 
2019-03-13 08:58:27 AM  
Sorry, ma'am, Earth's full. Moose out front should have told ya.
 
2019-03-13 10:25:31 AM  
Isn't this where you lull him into a false sense of security, stop taking birth control, and get yourself knocked up, whether he's privy to it or not?

(Don't do that.)

Long ago, I had a not-so-serious girlfriend who began encouraging me to stop being safe because it was "nothing to worry about." I was suspicious, and backed off. She started dating another guy, shortly thereafter. Ten months later, she had a baby, and married the guy, shotgun-style.

"Nothing to worry about." Dodged a bullet, I did.
 
2019-03-13 10:34:15 AM  
If you've been explicit about wanting to start a family, and he's not able to give a time frame and the conditions he needs to feel comfortable with it, time to find someone else.
 
2019-03-13 11:15:13 AM  
I hear you loud and clear, sister.
I too love children, but I can't bear them.
 
2019-03-13 11:24:07 AM  
Find someone else if he's not ready to commit.
 
2019-03-13 12:15:39 PM  
I'm not often in the camp of giving relationship ultimatums.  But if you feel strongly about children, then you need to be extremely clear and up front about it.

I had some friends many years ago where she wanted kids, and he was "okay, maybe in 5-6 years".  That time came and he wanted to extend it for another 5 years.  At that point, it's pretty obvious that he doesn't want them and just can't come up with how to tell her and doesn't want to damage the relationship.  Except it is damaged all to hell because he wasn't honest with her.
 
2019-03-13 12:58:04 PM  

BizarreMan: I'm not often in the camp of giving relationship ultimatums.  But if you feel strongly about children, then you need to be extremely clear and up front about it.

This.

I ended relationships because the guys wanted to have kids, which meant there was no future, No sense in getting attached to each other and then me not changing my mind and sticking to never wanting kids. My husband said when he told me he had a vasectomy, he'd never seen anyone's eyes light up like that at the news. I was thinking, "good, this has potential now."
 
2019-03-13 02:27:50 PM  
First of all, I find it beyond amazing that broke off a 6 year relationship and within days started seeing this guy and it's lasted 4 years.
She needs to break up with him, he's not for her, obviously.
In my 20s I was dating someone for a year or so when we talked seriously, I had earlier already mentioned not having kids and he had mentioned having a family someday.
When I was firm about never wanting kids he said, "I could do without kids if I can have you." I had sense enough to know that wouldn't always be true, and sadly broke up with him. It was the right thing to do.
I simply cannot wrap my head around people not being upfront and honest about it.
 
2019-03-13 03:50:13 PM  
img.fark.netView Full Size
 
2019-03-13 03:50:28 PM  
Isn't this how Idiocracy begins?
 
2019-03-13 03:56:50 PM  
If you didn't have that discussion early in the relationship, it's too late now.
 
2019-03-13 03:59:00 PM  
If he hasn't committed by now, he isn't going to.

But, newsflash. You are going to be hard pressed to find a man in his 30's that will.
 
2019-03-13 04:01:18 PM  
Kids/no kids should be a first date conversation.

Seriously.
 
2019-03-13 04:24:58 PM  

brap: I hear you loud and clear, sister.
I too love children, but I can't bear them.


Of course not, that's her job.
 
2019-03-13 04:41:53 PM  
Yes, demand an answer.  A conversation is much more efficient than spending years waiting to find out.
 
2019-03-13 05:13:51 PM  
img.fark.netView Full Size
 
2019-03-13 05:18:42 PM  

wingedkat: If you've been explicit about wanting to start a family, and he's not able to give a time frame and the conditions he needs to feel comfortable with it, time to find someone else.


My nephew did something similar. He and his now wife asked all those first date questions you aren't supposed to ask. They now have a beautiful baby girl that was born 11 months after the wedding, which was a bit under 2 years after they started dating. He's 31, she's 28, and (so far) they're happy.
 
2019-03-13 05:49:15 PM  
the conditions he needs to feel comfortable with it

"Enough money for full time live in child care until it's time for boarding school. On another continent." is my condition. Could happen.
 
2019-03-13 06:07:37 PM  
This and the prenuptial agreement need to be first date discussions.

Once you find a guy dumb enough to discuss it, you've found your forever man.

I've personally dumped 2 women (this was a long time ago) who seemed to want to be married more than they wanted to be in relationships WITH ME.

In the intervening years, the two of them have been married a total of five times to my one.  But they got their kids (as did I) so good for you both.  I guess.
 
2019-03-13 06:12:10 PM  
Speaking from experience, Mr. Guy might not feel confident about having kids.   It's a life change for sure.  Should NOT be taken lightly.
My suggestion: offer a book to read, like 'You're Going To Be a Dad and You're Freaking Out!'  Something like that.  I made the title up (ofcourse, right?)
If Guy still isn't sure, then time to move on.   Be clear you want a parenting partner.
Kids are endless happiness.
Every breath they take is a gift.
There are good guys out there.  Some just need a good woman to help them realize their potential to be a good dad.
 
2019-03-13 06:20:02 PM  
Shouldn't you have started with that?  WTF would you date someone that doesn't want kids if you have a ticking clock.
 
2019-03-13 07:28:05 PM  
Lesbian friend had her neighbor jack off into a turkey baster. She had a son. Though, being raised in her household, he now fashions himself as a transgender person, and uses "they" pronouns. They are now a lesbian transgender person who is still dating the girl they were dating before the declaration.

I'm a ally, but at some point you have to ask "really?".
 
2019-03-13 07:29:34 PM  
Find someone that isn't into butt stuff
 
2019-03-13 07:43:05 PM  

lindalouwho: First of all, I find it beyond amazing that broke off a 6 year relationship and within days started seeing this guy and it's lasted 4 years.
She needs to break up with him, he's not for her, obviously.


When I read that line I automatically thought, "Rebound."

And oh so often do those rebounds last way too long.
 
2019-03-13 07:43:42 PM  
Meh. I was ambivalent about having kids right up until mine were born. And then for a few weeks after. And now, whenever I step on something sharp or squishy in the middle of the night. Or get woken up at 6 am on a Saturday by the sounds of tiny hands trying to figure out how the stove works.

But, I really feel like it's something I could maybe be ready for, sometime in the near future. Definitely.

/maybe
 
2019-03-13 07:54:11 PM  
Nah girl, focus on your career.  The right man will come along.
 
2019-03-13 08:08:34 PM  

MoriartyLives: In the intervening years, the two of them have been married a total of five times to my one.


Reminds me of a line from a Tom Waits song: "She's been married so many times, she's got rice marks on her face."
 
2019-03-13 08:12:07 PM  
Articles like these make me feel like an alien on this planet.

I can't wait for my "clock" to run out.

Good riddance to it.
 
2019-03-13 08:28:11 PM  
Yes, but you might not like the answer.
 
2019-03-13 09:09:20 PM  

vonzales: Be clear you want a parenting partner.
Kids are endless happiness.
Every breath they take is a gift.
There are good guys out there.


Yup. I didn't want kids until I found the right person.
Now I've got kids and I'm sterilized. Best of both worlds.
 
2019-03-13 09:17:59 PM  

Somacandra: vonzales: Be clear you want a parenting partner.
Kids are endless happiness.
Every breath they take is a gift.
There are good guys out there.

Yup. I didn't want kids until I found the right person.
Now I've got kids and I'm sterilized. Best of both worlds.


I got vasectomized today!
Born in 1972.  Wife in '78.
She doesn't need to carry on the bc burden.  We can focus on raising to kids.

Hormones are wack!
 
2019-03-13 09:29:41 PM  

vonzales: Somacandra: vonzales: Be clear you want a parenting partner.
Kids are endless happiness.
Every breath they take is a gift.
There are good guys out there.

Yup. I didn't want kids until I found the right person.
Now I've got kids and I'm sterilized. Best of both worlds.

I got vasectomized today!
Born in 1972.  Wife in '78.
She doesn't need to carry on the bc burden.  We can focus on raising to kids.

Hormones are wack!


*throws you a bag of frozen peas*
 
2019-03-13 09:34:10 PM  

lindalouwho: vonzales: Somacandra: vonzales: Be clear you want a parenting partner.
Kids are endless happiness.
Every breath they take is a gift.
There are good guys out there.

Yup. I didn't want kids until I found the right person.
Now I've got kids and I'm sterilized. Best of both worlds.

I got vasectomized today!
Born in 1972.  Wife in '78.
She doesn't need to carry on the bc burden.  We can focus on raising to kids.

Hormones are wack!

*throws you a bag of frozen peas*


Thanks, buddy!

Dr asked if I had any questions.
I asked him if I would be able play the piano??
He didn't get it. Said, "sure. Sir on some frozen peas."

Sometimes the patient is the teacher 😉
 
2019-03-13 09:45:39 PM  

vonzales: lindalouwho: vonzales: Somacandra: vonzales: Be clear you want a parenting partner.
Kids are endless happiness.
Every breath they take is a gift.
There are good guys out there.

Yup. I didn't want kids until I found the right person.
Now I've got kids and I'm sterilized. Best of both worlds.

I got vasectomized today!
Born in 1972.  Wife in '78.
She doesn't need to carry on the bc burden.  We can focus on raising to kids.

Hormones are wack!

*throws you a bag of frozen peas*

Thanks, buddy!

Dr asked if I had any questions.
I asked him if I would be able play the piano??
He didn't get it. Said, "sure. Sir on some frozen peas."

Sometimes the patient is the teacher 😉


I once told a surgeon I was consulting with for an operation that I heard he was a badass in his field. He looked at me uncertainty, his nurse laughed and said, "He has no idea if that's good or bad."

They're a different breed.
 
2019-03-13 10:03:04 PM  

Another Government Employee: If he hasn't committed by now, he isn't going to.

But, newsflash. You are going to be hard pressed to find a man in his 30's that will.


I always knew I wanted kids but also knew I was too selfish in my younger years. Had my first at 40 and am really glad I waited. My wife's younger than me so we still have time to decide if we're done at 2 or are willing to go through this a 3rd time.

Not all guys are past the kids phase after their 20s.
 
2019-03-13 10:47:36 PM  

tmyk: Another Government Employee: If he hasn't committed by now, he isn't going to.

But, newsflash. You are going to be hard pressed to find a man in his 30's that will.

I always knew I wanted kids but also knew I was too selfish in my younger years. Had my first at 40 and am really glad I waited. My wife's younger than me so we still have time to decide if we're done at 2 or are willing to go through this a 3rd time.

Not all guys are past the kids phase after their 20s.


Plenty of guys get divorced, remarry and start a, or another family, especially when the wife is younger.
Guys don't have the same... use by date, so to speak, for procreating.
 
2019-03-13 10:52:33 PM  

lindalouwho: tmyk: Another Government Employee: If he hasn't committed by now, he isn't going to.

But, newsflash. You are going to be hard pressed to find a man in his 30's that will.

I always knew I wanted kids but also knew I was too selfish in my younger years. Had my first at 40 and am really glad I waited. My wife's younger than me so we still have time to decide if we're done at 2 or are willing to go through this a 3rd time.

Not all guys are past the kids phase after their 20s.

Plenty of guys get divorced, remarry and start a, or another family, especially when the wife is younger.
Guys don't have the same... use by date, so to speak, for procreating.


I was 38 then 41.
If my wife and I met sooner, there's a good chance we would have three.

Got to keep moving and stay healthy to keep up with the little toots.
 
2019-03-14 12:01:29 AM  
Oh ffs. 
quotehd.comView Full Size
 
2019-03-14 12:02:41 AM  

lindalouwho: tmyk: Another Government Employee: If he hasn't committed by now, he isn't going to.

But, newsflash. You are going to be hard pressed to find a man in his 30's that will.

I always knew I wanted kids but also knew I was too selfish in my younger years. Had my first at 40 and am really glad I waited. My wife's younger than me so we still have time to decide if we're done at 2 or are willing to go through this a 3rd time.

Not all guys are past the kids phase after their 20s.

Plenty of guys get divorced, remarry and start a, or another family, especially when the wife is younger.
Guys don't have the same... use by date, so to speak, for procreating.


https://www.nytimes.com/2014/02/27/he​a​lth/mental-illness-risk-higher-for-chi​ldren-of-older-parents-study-finds.htm​l?_r=0

https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jama​p​sychiatry/fullarticle/1833092

https://fivethirtyeight.com/features/​a​re-older-mens-sperm-really-any-worse/
 
2019-03-14 12:11:59 AM  

tmyk: Another Government Employee: If he hasn't committed by now, he isn't going to.

But, newsflash. You are going to be hard pressed to find a man in his 30's that will.

I always knew I wanted kids but also knew I was too selfish in my younger years. Had my first at 40 and am really glad I waited. My wife's younger than me so we still have time to decide if we're done at 2 or are willing to go through this a 3rd time.

Not all guys are past the kids phase after their 20s.


Had mine at 35; kept putting it off I think because I was scared to death of being responsible for another human being. My wife basically just told me, "we're doing this now, so get over your bullshiat," and....yep, best decision I've ever not made. And way better than the ones I have.

But, we'd been together for over a decade by that point, so she knew the difference between my "ask me later, because I'd honestly rather help you shop at Hobby Lobby for teaspoon doilies" vs. my "yeah I'm on board, but I don't want to fark it up because you'll hate me if I do."

The idea of having kiids didn't initially excite me. But they excited her, and that got me excited (sexpun.jpg). I get the, "live your life, let them live theirs, and if it isn't compatible, move on." Fine. But, taking time to assess the situation and being a positive influence also counts for something.

/anyway, hash-tag shiat that will never sound defensible if you say it out loud, but it's true anyway
 
6 days ago  

BLink_Fark: Lesbian friend had her neighbor jack off into a turkey baster. She had a son. Though, being raised in her household, he now fashions himself as a transgender person, and uses "they" pronouns. They are now a lesbian transgender person who is still dating the girl they were dating before the declaration.

I'm a ally, but at some point you have to ask "really?".


How involved, if at all, was the neighbor after the initial contribution? Did they sign a contract requiring him/not requiring him to pay child support? Is he the family "friend" who looks suspiciously like his biological child?
 
6 days ago  

bratface: lindalouwho: tmyk: Another Government Employee: If he hasn't committed by now, he isn't going to.

But, newsflash. You are going to be hard pressed to find a man in his 30's that will.

I always knew I wanted kids but also knew I was too selfish in my younger years. Had my first at 40 and am really glad I waited. My wife's younger than me so we still have time to decide if we're done at 2 or are willing to go through this a 3rd time.

Not all guys are past the kids phase after their 20s.

Plenty of guys get divorced, remarry and start a, or another family, especially when the wife is younger.
Guys don't have the same... use by date, so to speak, for procreating.

https://www.nytimes.com/2014/02/27/hea​lth/mental-illness-risk-higher-for-chi​ldren-of-older-parents-study-finds.htm​l?_r=0

https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamap​sychiatry/fullarticle/1833092

https://fivethirtyeight.com/features/a​re-older-mens-sperm-really-any-worse/


Yes, I know all of that.
I was obviously referring to the physical ability to have children.
 
6 days ago  
Before you focus on him you might want to do some self examination.

first you should figure out if you want to be a mother more than you want a life-long relationship with him and he is just the most convenient path to said motherhood.  If the answer is yes you need to do both you, him and any future kids a favor and GTFO.

Imagine he says yes to a family, and then it turns out you don't end up with kids.  Are you OK with that?  If you answer yes go to step two. if you answer no then time to move on.
 
6 days ago  

BLink_Fark: Lesbian friend had her neighbor jack off into a turkey baster. She had a son. Though, being raised in her household, he now fashions himself as a transgender person, and uses "they" pronouns. They are now a lesbian transgender person who is still dating the girl they were dating before the declaration.

I'm a ally, but at some point you have to ask "really?".


Cool bigotry bro.
 
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