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(Cracked)   These ancient health techniques can help you to reach your ancient life expectancy   (cracked.com) divider line
    More: Stupid, Ancient Egypt, Medicine, proponents of bee venom therapy, Gwyneth Paltrow, much blood, health techniques, cups of water, cure cancer  
•       •       •

7367 clicks; posted to Main » on 09 Mar 2019 at 11:20 AM (14 weeks ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



88 Comments     (+0 »)
 
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2019-03-09 08:40:08 AM  
I prefer the classics.
img.fark.netView Full Size

You just can't beat a good crotch powder, and Dr. Bandit's Warranted is the best.
 
2019-03-09 10:09:23 AM  

Gordon Bennett: I prefer the classics.
[img.fark.net image 488x750]
You just can't beat a good crotch powder, and Dr. Bandit's Warranted is the best.


Powder?  I don't even know her!
 
2019-03-09 11:25:33 AM  
img.fark.netView Full Size
 
2019-03-09 11:26:19 AM  
Anti-Vaxxing therapy can help eliminate unwanted offspring.
 
2019-03-09 11:28:39 AM  

Fireproof: [img.fark.net image 400x337]


Finally a thread about literally blowing smoke up our asses.

(that's where we get the phrase)
 
2019-03-09 11:29:55 AM  
My wife bought a himalayan salt lamp. I basically forced her to tell me she bought it because she thought it was pretty.

You bought a pretty lamp? Yeah hun - I like it too. Just put it with the others.

You bought a piece of salt with a lightbulb in the middle that's supposed to clean the air? No. Just...no.
 
2019-03-09 11:31:19 AM  
I actually have one of those salt lamps. I had no idea it was supposed to be some woo-lamp, I just thought it looked cool.
 
2019-03-09 11:37:38 AM  
I had a salt lamp. My 5 year old goddaughter wouldn't stop licking it.
 
2019-03-09 11:44:08 AM  
Written by Lydia BUGG, and the first pic. is a bee.
 
2019-03-09 11:47:35 AM  
Ben-Wa balls?

/dnrtfa
 
2019-03-09 11:52:45 AM  

MythDragon: I had a salt lamp. My 5 year old goddaughter wouldn't stop licking it.


So now it's just a regular lamp?
 
2019-03-09 11:52:54 AM  
Do I need to shove things up my hoo-ha?
Also, do I need a hoo-ha?
 
2019-03-09 11:56:34 AM  

MythDragon: I had a salt lamp. My 5 year old goddaughter wouldn't stop licking it.


Your godchildren are adorable...

im2.ezgif.comView Full Size
 
2019-03-09 12:00:14 PM  
Symptoms of her miracle juice working real good included headaches, dizziness, and the aforementioned massive amounts of shiat, which she refers to as "Waterfalls."

TLC - Waterfalls (Official Video)
Youtube 8WEtxJ4-sh4


/don't go chasing
 
2019-03-09 12:01:00 PM  
2.bp.blogspot.comView Full Size
 
2019-03-09 12:07:18 PM  

Gordon Bennett: I prefer the classics.
[img.fark.net image 488x750]
You just can't beat a good crotch powder, and Dr. Bandit's Warranted is the best.


Josey Wales pwns a suit
Youtube 2sh0wr7HH8Y
 
2019-03-09 12:12:22 PM  
"Oil pulling" with coconut oil is an age-old remedy in India rooted in Ayurvedic medicine.
One uses coconut oil to clean and detoxify teeth and gums. You swish it around it your mouth for a while, then spit it on the nearest corpse or pile of feces laying about in the street.
 
2019-03-09 12:15:37 PM  

Gordon Bennett: I prefer the classics.
[img.fark.net image 488x750]
You just can't beat a good crotch powder, and Dr. Bandit's Warranted is the best.


Well, maybe this will be necessary again. All these people jumping on the ketogenic diet bandwagon and getting keto crotch.
 
2019-03-09 12:17:50 PM  
"steamed vagina"
 
2019-03-09 12:20:35 PM  

Bowen: My wife bought a himalayan salt lamp. I basically forced her to tell me she bought it because she thought it was pretty.

You bought a pretty lamp? Yeah hun - I like it too. Just put it with the others.

You bought a piece of salt with a lightbulb in the middle that's supposed to clean the air? No. Just...no.


Heh... my ex wife bought these and was swearing by them because they turned black during the night because they were "draining the toxins" from her body.

Until they did the same thing to a warm glass of water I stuck it on

img.fark.netView Full Size
 
2019-03-09 12:25:29 PM  
Yes. Well, I cannot spend all day gossiping. I'm a busy man. As far as this case is concerned I have now had time to think it over and I can strongly recommend a course of leeches.
 
2019-03-09 12:28:45 PM  
Yeah those are horrible ideas

My boss started an optional once a week yoga class at work, during work hours. This fat ass has gained muscle in places i didnt even know were muscles and lost a little weeight. And im pretty much a sloth the rest of the week.

The youngest daughter got recently diagnosed type 1. We have to really watch our meals now. Our vegetable intake has increased to fill us up with less carbs. Ive been making decent from scratch meals using the crock pot and presure cooker. Last night i tried a seasame chicken recipe. It was amazing.

So yeah. Eat decently prepared food, more veggies, less carbs and get a little excercise. It isnt going to cure all, but it will make life a bit better.

/pro-tip: nothing cures all
 
2019-03-09 12:29:21 PM  

kendelrio: Bowen: My wife bought a himalayan salt lamp. I basically forced her to tell me she bought it because she thought it was pretty.

You bought a pretty lamp? Yeah hun - I like it too. Just put it with the others.

You bought a piece of salt with a lightbulb in the middle that's supposed to clean the air? No. Just...no.

Heh... my ex wife bought these and was swearing by them because they turned black during the night because they were "draining the toxins" from her body.

Until they did the same thing to a warm glass of water I stuck it on

[img.fark.net image 355x355]


Pfft.  This is so stupid.  Don't people know that the only thing that works is am onion on the soles of your feet?
 
2019-03-09 12:30:23 PM  

Invincible: Yes. Well, I cannot spend all day gossiping. I'm a busy man. As far as this case is concerned I have now had time to think it over and I can strongly recommend a course of leeches.


Go for it. They are actually back in vogue and medical leeches are being used again for specific needs.

I never knew there was some kind of magical thinking around the jade egg. I really thought they were being sold as a fancy way to do kegel exercises (which strengthen pelvic and vaginal muscles)
 
2019-03-09 12:31:55 PM  
"Ancient life expectancy?" So around 12?

Scrubs Pilgrim Funeral
Youtube KWuVN62gcnM
 
2019-03-09 12:35:52 PM  
Cracked is still around?
 
2019-03-09 12:46:23 PM  

Bowen: My wife bought a himalayan salt lamp. I basically forced her to tell me she bought it because she thought it was pretty.

You bought a pretty lamp? Yeah hun - I like it too. Just put it with the others.

You bought a piece of salt with a lightbulb in the middle that's supposed to clean the air? No. Just...no.


I want to lick mine to see if it is actual salt.  Might get some actual use out of it.
 
2019-03-09 12:47:21 PM  

cowgirl toffee: kendelrio: Bowen: My wife bought a himalayan salt lamp. I basically forced her to tell me she bought it because she thought it was pretty.

You bought a pretty lamp? Yeah hun - I like it too. Just put it with the others.

You bought a piece of salt with a lightbulb in the middle that's supposed to clean the air? No. Just...no.

Heh... my ex wife bought these and was swearing by them because they turned black during the night because they were "draining the toxins" from her body.

Until they did the same thing to a warm glass of water I stuck it on

[img.fark.net image 355x355]

Pfft.  This is so stupid.  Don't people know that the only thing that works is am onion on the soles of your feet?


Pm garlic is better and also wards off vampires (and most other people as well.)

Ever since I was little kid back in the nineteen-aught-sixties I've seen grown adults who I thought were pretty wise and should know better wearing copper bracelets to prevent or cure arthritis and sundry other maladies. I guess it just goes to show, people are gullible.
 
2019-03-09 12:47:41 PM  

dewihafta: Cracked is still around?


Yes. It is easier to read now that you can just scroll instead of >
 
2019-03-09 12:54:09 PM  
The Jilly Juice will have a lot of probiotics but I'll stick to homemade sauerkraut.
 
2019-03-09 01:02:57 PM  

NotThatGuyAgain: The Jilly Juice will have a lot of probiotics but I'll stick to homemade sauerkraut.


Last time I had made kraut, it took over 6 weeks.  The batch just kept on bubbling. I wish I had tested the batch before it started to turn to vinegar.  I would swear I believe it was over 150 proof.  O_O
 
2019-03-09 01:03:51 PM  
I like those salt lamps because they're cool looking but I haven't gotten one because it would be tiresome constantly resisting the urge to lick it.
 
2019-03-09 01:19:05 PM  

KRSESQ: I like those salt lamps because they're cool looking but I haven't gotten one because it would be tiresome constantly resisting the urge to lick it.


The most amazing part of this post is that a horse can type.
 
2019-03-09 01:22:03 PM  

MythDragon: I had a salt lamp. My 5 year old goddaughter wouldn't stop licking it.


They are delicious.
 
2019-03-09 01:35:52 PM  
img.fark.netView Full Size
 
2019-03-09 01:41:54 PM  

NotThatGuyAgain: Jilly Juice


I am pretty sure that doesn't mean what I imagine it means...
 
2019-03-09 01:45:05 PM  

kendelrio: Bowen: My wife bought a himalayan salt lamp. I basically forced her to tell me she bought it because she thought it was pretty.

You bought a pretty lamp? Yeah hun - I like it too. Just put it with the others.

You bought a piece of salt with a lightbulb in the middle that's supposed to clean the air? No. Just...no.

Heh... my ex wife bought these and was swearing by them because they turned black during the night because they were "draining the toxins" from her body.

Until they did the same thing to a warm glass of water I stuck it on

[img.fark.net image 355x355]


Just goes to show you how dangerous our water is when its not ionized.
Can I sell you a magnetic filter?
 
2019-03-09 01:50:26 PM  
I actually believe some amazing treatments are disappearing with the elders passing away. Stuff that right now we treat with harsh chemicals that have side effects.

/granted, said chemicals usually work faster
 
2019-03-09 01:57:08 PM  

bughunter: NotThatGuyAgain: Jilly Juice

I am pretty sure that doesn't mean what I imagine it means...


It's worse than what you imagine it means.
 
2019-03-09 01:57:24 PM  

cowgirl toffee: kendelrio: Bowen: My wife bought a himalayan salt lamp. I basically forced her to tell me she bought it because she thought it was pretty.

You bought a pretty lamp? Yeah hun - I like it too. Just put it with the others.

You bought a piece of salt with a lightbulb in the middle that's supposed to clean the air? No. Just...no.

Heh... my ex wife bought these and was swearing by them because they turned black during the night because they were "draining the toxins" from her body.

Until they did the same thing to a warm glass of water I stuck it on

[img.fark.net image 355x355]

Pfft.  This is so stupid.  Don't people know that the only thing that works is am onion on the soles of your feet?


I tried the old Potato-Up-The-Ass method.

It worked fine until Taco Bell Night.  I now have a hole in my bathroom wall apprximapprox the size of a mortar shell.

I don't recommend it.
 
2019-03-09 02:12:06 PM  
Doesn't anyone else get an insane redirect from the cracked.com homepage?

About 300 subnet echoes from a Winghouse?
 
2019-03-09 02:14:18 PM  

Fireproof: [img.fark.net image 400x337]


Ye olde Tinder?
 
2019-03-09 02:15:54 PM  

zjoik: "steamed vagina"


Due to angry inch?
 
2019-03-09 02:21:08 PM  

kendelrio: Heh... my ex wife bought these and was swearing by them because they turned black during the night because they were "draining the toxins" from her body.

Until they did the same thing to a warm glass of water I stuck it on


Those pads are an obvious scam. Everyone knows that toxins have to be candled out through the ears, not the feet.
 
2019-03-09 02:22:35 PM  

vinniethepoo: cowgirl toffee: kendelrio: Bowen: My wife bought a himalayan salt lamp. I basically forced her to tell me she bought it because she thought it was pretty.

You bought a pretty lamp? Yeah hun - I like it too. Just put it with the others.

You bought a piece of salt with a lightbulb in the middle that's supposed to clean the air? No. Just...no.

Heh... my ex wife bought these and was swearing by them because they turned black during the night because they were "draining the toxins" from her body.

Until they did the same thing to a warm glass of water I stuck it on

[img.fark.net image 355x355]

Pfft.  This is so stupid.  Don't people know that the only thing that works is am onion on the soles of your feet?

Pm garlic is better and also wards off vampires (and most other people as well.)

Ever since I was little kid back in the nineteen-aught-sixties I've seen grown adults who I thought were pretty wise and should know better wearing copper bracelets to prevent or cure arthritis and sundry other maladies. I guess it just goes to show, people are gullible.


Copper and silver do have anti-bacterial properties, however. Just not when used that way.
 
2019-03-09 02:22:37 PM  
Crack articles are usually pretty good this one not so much
 
2019-03-09 02:26:12 PM  

KRSESQ: I like those salt lamps because they're cool looking but I haven't gotten one because it would be tiresome constantly resisting the urge to lick it.


don't resist, they are delicious
 
2019-03-09 02:35:32 PM  
One problem is that WiFi blocks the salt lamp's natural *resonant* receptivity, so there must be adequate distance between the salt lamp and the router.

Another problem is the salt lamp's *radiant* receptivity can have a negative affect on all but the highest quality audio systems and cables, downgrading the sound quality from 'perfectly clear' to 'very transparent'*.


*Ratings provided by AudioArse Magazine.
 
2019-03-09 02:43:28 PM  

Kelwen: KRSESQ: I like those salt lamps because they're cool looking but I haven't gotten one because it would be tiresome constantly resisting the urge to lick it.

don't resist, they are delicious


Yeah, it is all of the contaminants like mercury, arsenic, lead, thallium, radium, uranium, polonium, plutonium, etc. in Himalayan pink salt that gives it that yummy flavor.
 
2019-03-09 02:46:30 PM  

Fireproof: [img.fark.net image 400x337]


Most folks don't understand why "blowing smoke up my ass" is a phrase...
 
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