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(plastic.com)   Lord of the Rings novellization on the way   ( plastic.com) divider line
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    More: Stupid  
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9939 clicks; posted to Main » on 22 Jan 2002 at 12:58 PM (16 years ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



48 Comments     (+0 »)
 
 
Rosalea
2002-01-22 01:01:22 PM  
oh geeze
 
Shuh
2002-01-22 01:01:47 PM  
And in related news: J.R.R. Tolkien's corpse has been found break-dancing in its grave.
 
Scoots
2002-01-22 01:01:52 PM  
That would make a great movie.
 
the_marq
2002-01-22 01:02:40 PM  
They should do a movie version of Star Wars next.
 
Corporate Mofo [TotalFark]
2002-01-22 01:03:06 PM  
I knew this was gonna happen.
 
Rosalea
2002-01-22 01:03:32 PM  
is this a parody? on the side it says parody
 
Shuh
2002-01-22 01:05:24 PM  
Lord of The Rings: The Novel -- "Like watching the movie in convenient book-form!"
 
Claude Damage
2002-01-22 01:07:06 PM  
Coming next: Lord of the Rings--On Ice! See Frodo and company as they skate their way towards Mordor and into your heart!
 
PegLeg
2002-01-22 01:07:11 PM  
The irony will be outcry from movie fans that the novelazation has discrepancies from the film.
 
megamike
2002-01-22 01:08:54 PM  
If this is true, it's way beyond absurd.
 
Shuh
2002-01-22 01:09:38 PM  
Excerpted from the web page:

As the water reached them, and flowed over them, the Nazgul and their horses, black as midnight, were all swirled away as if by a rushing flood.

"I guess they're all wet, eh, Frodo?" Arwen laughed.



This is a hoot@! Dialog a la Shwartzenegger! Laf..
 
theironchef
2002-01-22 01:10:05 PM  
Hold the phones!!!

It was a satire! There's no such truth to this story!

And why is linked to plastic.com anyway when the actual article this came from is from another site?

Revolutionary Science Fiction is a satire website that shares content with backwash.com. I'll bet somebody from plastic got saw it posted there and took it literally.

so before you freak out and start an internet petition, just remember the source was a parody piece...

relax, please, and spend some time away from the computer.....
 
theironchef
2002-01-22 01:10:07 PM  
Hold the phones!!!

It was a satire! There's no such truth to this story!

And why is linked to plastic.com anyway when the actual article this came from is from another site?

Revolutionary Science Fiction is a satire website that shares content with backwash.com. I'll bet somebody from plastic got saw it posted there and took it literally.

so before you freak out and start an internet petition, just remember the source was a parody piece...

relax, please, and spend some time away from the computer.....
 
LordSam
2002-01-22 01:10:09 PM  
There is no way that this is anything but a joke. They wouldn't do that to fans, plus the writing in that "excerpt" was worse than awful.
 
theironchef
2002-01-22 01:11:00 PM  
how did I do a double post? sorry about that...
 
Shuh
2002-01-22 01:14:38 PM  
"Summoning up her mental will, she looked down at the stream, and it started filling up with water! " Heh... reminds me of Beck speaking to Bender: "Use the power of mental thinking! Do it, robot!"
 
nagrommit
2002-01-22 01:18:53 PM  
I thought it to be true until I started reading more "excerpts" from the "novelization" and read this line:

"If you want him," she hollered, "Come and claim him!" All of the Nazgul drew their mighty swords. One of them yelled, "I'll cut you, biatch!"

Now, I've seen the movie three times and read the books, and at no point in either does anyone call Arwen a "biatch." Of course, I don't know the Elvish for "biatch."
 
lurk
2002-01-22 01:19:09 PM  
Wait .... should I hold the phones?
 
Hisey
2002-01-22 01:22:29 PM  
I thought that movie would make a great book.
 
nagrommit
2002-01-22 01:25:35 PM  
You're right Hisey. And they left the ending so open, you know there is going to be a sequel.
 
Shuh
2002-01-22 01:29:43 PM  
"Sauron was feeling particularly evil that night... he knew this obsessive-compulsive evil-doing would be the end of him. Some day he knew he would have to kick the hobbit..."
 
No Such Agency
2002-01-22 01:33:18 PM  
This book is going to SUCK! I think this "excerpt" is bogus though, because I heard they don't even have Arwen in the confrontation at the ford, but some other elf called Gloryfinger or something instead. I mean geez, how stupid is that, like this story needs even more characters to keep track of.
 
BrazilianGeek
2002-01-22 01:34:38 PM  
That was hillarious! I wonder what's worse, to actually believe that some shmucks would do a novelization of the movie or to believe in a satire... The "biatch" part was simply awsome! :)
 
BobNever
2002-01-22 01:47:49 PM  
Whether it was a satire or not, I think fark should make a new topic graphic, "pathetic", for things like that.
 
Theseus
2002-01-22 02:01:08 PM  
This was pretty funny to read.
"It was a white horse. The Nazgul chased her, and chased her, and chased her."

Great imagery, I love it.
 
Rebbic
2002-01-22 02:05:08 PM  
I wonder if those guys who look for mistakes in films will biatch that the car in the background of scene 108 was not present in the book?
 
Gremmy
2002-01-22 02:08:35 PM  
"If you want him," she hollered, "Come and claim him!"

All of the Nazgul drew their mighty swords.

One of them yelled, "I'll cut you, biatch!"
 
sensei_brandon
2002-01-22 02:19:38 PM  
link is farked
 
Tequila
2002-01-22 02:29:28 PM  
[image from geocities.com too old to be available]
 
Torchsong
2002-01-22 02:33:14 PM  
I got an advance copy of the book in question, and already there's problems:

* Mention of some gay-twat named T. Bombadill who dances and spouts poetry after saving the hobbits. Where was this in the film?
* Arwen didn't save Frodo! Did this writer not even see the movie?
* There's so many more, but I hope this Tolkein guy, whoever he is, goes back to whatever hack-den spawned him. He obviously knows NOTHING about Lord of the Rings, the movie!
 
varmin
2002-01-22 02:33:14 PM  
You know, it's not really much worse than all those star (wars .and. trek) books.

tequila: nice farking image.
 
dwg
2002-01-22 02:56:40 PM  
wow. Of all the crack-ass jack rigney things. I wonder if we can draw any parallels between this and running "All your base.." through babblefish twelvel hundred times.

Does this mean I can make a movie of the book adaptation of the movie based on the popular novel by J.R?
 
Torchsong
2002-01-22 03:08:12 PM  
They're probably just creating a dumbed down version for people in the South to read:

T'wonce upon a time there'z this lil' feller, an he got hisself this ring. Well, don'cha know this old feller told the lil' feller that the ring was bad, so the lil' feller got together with three other lil' fellers and off they went to destroy it. Come too long they run inta a bunch of them fancy lads, whut they call elves, and they save the lil' fellers from a bunch of klan, but klan with black robes, like they do in 'Bamy. Anyhow, the four lil' fellers is joined by another midgit, one of them fancy lads, a couple hard drinkin' good'ol boys, and the old feller from the beginning. Come a time, they get all arguing over a frosty cold Bud about who ougtta be the one gets the ring. At that the lil' feller takes off just as they get ambushed by a bunch a people from Ohio. Off they run, and that's th'end of it.

See? It's funny because most Southerners don't read and...oh, skip it...
 
Blacksmithking
2002-01-22 03:26:50 PM  
And gandalf stood on the bridge in Mordor, his mighty staff raised high. It was mighty, and mightier still in the mighty hands of the mighty Gandalf, known for his mightliness even among the mighty. And Gandalf spoke, "None shall pass."

"Say what?" The Balrog roared, awed by Gandalf's mightiness. "Whatchu talkin' bout muthafuka?"

"All you bridge are belong to me," Gandalf finished, and smote the bridge before him. The mighty bridge fell before his might.
 
Azrael
2002-01-22 03:39:32 PM  
Torchsong:

You were very close...but it's not 'ring' in Caintuck, it's 'rang'. You know, like 'thang', as in "...that big ol' thang..."
 
Nightjars
2002-01-22 03:45:48 PM  
And Bilbo turned to Frodo, and said "Hold on to your little gonads, and strife."
 
Dween
2002-01-22 03:52:43 PM  
I got another excerpt from the official website, let me cut and paste it in.

------------------------

A look of puzzlement and confusion befell Gandalf, as he stared at the writing on the door.

"Speak friend to enter," he mused while puffing on his pipe; a pipe that had been crafted from the very heart of a yorwell pepper tree. Truly a fine pipe.

Splish! Splash! Tiny rocks fell into the lake. The young hobbit boys amused themselves by tossing the stones high into the air, only to plunk into the cold, dark water with a tawny plop.

"Stop that!" bellowed the axe-bearing dwarf.

He was grumpy, that axe-bearing dwarf.

A might too grumpy for the likes of the mischievious hobbits.

"Galdalf, what do you suppose it means?" inquired little Frodo, eyes glittering like ponds of clear, blue water.

"Ah! Of course," said the old wizard, as a wisp of pipe smoke wisped from his pipe. "Legolas, what is the Elvish word for 'friend'?"

The elf, Legolas, brushed a lock of long white hair from his eyes. Not quite white, actually; his hair was a very light blond, which looked white to most in the right light.

"Amigo," responded the elf, Legolas.

Splish! Splash! More rocks fell into the lake. Oh, that grumpy dwarf wouldn't like that.

"Amigo!" stated the proud wizard. The doorway to the cavern began to open, an amazing sight to behold. Indeed, Frodo looked on with amazement.

Then, it happened.

A terrible rumbling, a gurgling. A rumbling, gurgling noise. Huge tentacles, like an octopus, rose from the murky water!

"Run!" screamed someone, as in the haste, it was unsure of who said it.

The group of nine heroic humans, wizards, hobbits, and so forth, dashed for the entrance of the cave.

Alas, it was too late.

The giant tentacles had grabbed one of the hobbits! In the haste, it was unsure of who was grabbed.

The brave souls worked diligently to free the hobbit. The axe-bearing dwarf bore his axe upon the tenacles. Surely, the creature would let go!

It did not.

Arrows zinged through the air, piercing the tentacles. Surely now, the creature would let go!

It did not.

Then, like a mighty god, the ranger Strider drew his mighty sword. He raised it high, and screamed out, a cry, not unlike a war cry.

He rushed at the monster, and swung his mighty sword...

(continued in next chapter)

------------------------

I'll get more when I can.

-Dween
 
Bongo_Fury
2002-01-22 03:59:59 PM  
Nightjars

you win.
 
gamer_geek
2002-01-22 04:06:08 PM  
Aghhhhhhhh stop the madness, DARN YOU, DARN YOU DARK GOD OF NOVELLIZATIONS!

Excuse me while I go find a dark corner and cry myself to sleep.
 
lordargent
2002-01-22 04:12:52 PM  
you won't cut me foo, I'll cut you.
 
perigee
2002-01-22 04:37:01 PM  
Can I option the Broadway musical rights, or has that hack Webber already taken 'em. And if he has, whaddya think of this: "Nazgul on Ice"?
 
Nanookanano
2002-01-22 04:37:21 PM  
Don't worry my droogs, after the ACLU, the Christians, NOW and the ASPCA are done filtering it, there will be nothing left.
 
jaimeekae
2002-01-22 04:51:52 PM  
think someone should tell them they're a bit late?
 
shidoshi
2002-01-22 04:58:44 PM  
Joke or not, I actually wouldn't be surprised to see such a thing happen. There have been many examples in the past of novelizations done for movies that were based off of books. Of course the idea is absurd - but it happens.

Of course, the joke then is to make a movie off of the novalization, and then... well, you know the rest.
 
afree87
2002-01-22 05:46:04 PM  
Aghhhhhhhh stop the madness, DARN YOU, DARN YOU DARK GOD OF NOVELLIZATIONS!

Excuse me while I go find a dark corner and cry myself to sleep.

Wake up you idiot, they were only kidding.
 
Nanookanano
2002-01-22 06:23:59 PM  
The satire is in prediction of the usual stupidity that is the post-movie, dumbed-down novelization. We realize this. It is the prospect of an actual novelization that causes us dread.
end of line
 
gamer_geek
2002-01-22 06:42:31 PM  
Wake up you idiot, they were only kidding.

What, no way! Thank you Afree87 for enlighting me to the error of my ways.

Yes Afree87 that is SARCASM, like the previous post!

Right on Nanookanano! Just watch though some idiot will likly read it and go "hmmmmmmmm thats not a bad idea!"
 
PhReaKy MoNKeY
2002-01-22 07:00:43 PM  
"Then out of the back of the wagon, fireworks went off.

A little shower of them, going "Bing! Bang! Bing ka-boom!"

and it made the kids happy. They knew Gandalf was not mad at them,

and that made them happy. So did the fireworks."


Brilliant. Sort of brings a tear to your eye. Good writing always makes me emotional.

Gamer_geek: Good recovery. I think they fell for it.

"Alan Kevin J.M. Salvatore-Foster-Stevens has seen many movies, and has written novelizations for all of them. He lives in Minneapolis with his wife and they have cats."

Hope this html comes out unborked...
 
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