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(Slate)   "Dear Prudence: I love my husband; but I cheated on him by kissing another man. Twice. We both work, we're stressed, but our communications are tense. He has a daughter with another woman and wants me to be mom. Now he wants a divorce. What do I do?"   ( slate.com) divider line
    More: Awkward, Dear Prudence, mental health issue, therapist, life, Dear Prudence podcast, daughter  
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567 clicks; posted to Discussion » on 12 Jul 2018 at 5:25 AM (10 weeks ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:  Share on Twitter share via Email Share on Facebook   more»



30 Comments     (+0 »)
 
View Voting Results: Smartest and Funniest
 
2018-07-12 06:29:30 AM  
Go back to the man you kissed, sweep his desk clear with one sweep of your arm, and invite him up for some in and out. He is the next relationship  about which you'll likely be asking advice.
 
2018-07-12 07:56:47 AM  
The solution is clear: divorce him and marry a man who uses a flip phone.
 
2018-07-12 08:30:22 AM  
Butt stuff. The answer is always butt stuff.
 
2018-07-12 08:36:31 AM  
Desperate for Forgiveness: Geez. This sounds like a bad situation all around. You done messed up. No getting around that. And if the situation were just about him being hurt, angry, and mistrustful, I would call those things normal, natural, and appropriate.

However, it is possible for these things to take a dark turn, going well beyond what anyone should, and that seems to be happening here. I don't know what his past traumas were, but they left him enough of a "bad drinker" that it farked up his marriage; if that is not a drinking problem, then I don't know what is. The changes since then do not inspire confidence either. You haven't me tioned abuse, and I will take your word for that, but this is someone who needs to not be in a marriage or relationship with anyone. He just isn't ready. Maybe he never was, or maybe he still has healing to do from his old traumas -I don't know- but either way, this man needs to be single.

As Prudie says, this is not someone interested in rebuilding. I try to advocate forgiveness and rebuilding when possible, but that path is not for everyone or every situation. I am sorry to say it, but I don't think it's appropriate here. This marriage is a dead thing, and although it really should have ended before you began to look elsewhere, it especially needs to end now. The "deep and profound love" between you is one-sided at best. That would not be a death sentence if your husband were interested in rebuilding, but it does not sound like he is.

Trainwreck Imminent: From the outside, it does indeed sound like this person could use some help, but that's an outside perspective: you don't know the whole story. You're also not in much of a position to do any urging yourselves; that should be going through your daughter. I mostly agree with Prudie on this.

I do want to point out one other thing: the modern two-income household as a major societal trend is a fairly new thing, about 70 years old. Before that, single-breadwinner homes were the norm for generations, and they are still not especially rare. People made it work, and still do. At least on that score, I'm not sure that a trainwreck is imminent.

Running Out of Patience: The frustration is real and valid. I do not mean to make light of it. But I do think a bit of humor could go a long way in shutting these people down without further awkwardness. Are you anorexic? Are you on drugs? "Worse. I'm a jogger".

Nervous Friend: There are more possibilities here than Prudie mentions. It is possible that the therapist is trying to encourage healthy boundary-setting, and Anna is misinterpreting her advice; if so, there is no need for you to misinterpret it in the same way. It is also possible that Sammy is completely off-base, misinterpreting Anna's actions as selfishness.

Prudie seems to suggest not talking to Sammy about this further, but I suggest the opposite. Get some feedback on your own interpretation of the therapist's advice, and watch to see if Sammy might really by onto something or is just blowing smoke.

What Do I Owe Her?: Do not ghost her. If you don't want a relationship, that is your prerogative; you do not owe her a relationship. But it sounds like you want to do decently by her, and ghosting her is not going to do that. It is rare that I flat-out disagree with Prudie this much, but here we go.

I disagree with Prudie almost conpletely. Do you owe her this information? No, but she has a bona fide need for it, as a matter of safety. It may be that dissuading her from seeking your relatives is the only good the information would do her, but given the kind of people they are, that's some real, serious good.

The "last-resort" letter Prudie mentions is a good start, but I would add a bit: "You do need to know that although I have living relatives, it would not be safe for you to seek them out, and the same is true of your other biological parent. This whole time in my life is painful for me to talk about, and I'm not going to lie to you: it would be very painful to hear about. I urge you not to pursue this further."

Keep It Professional: Tell them. There may be consequences for his actions, yes, but there may be consequences if you don't act.

You probably do have to eat the cost of the sessions, but it doesn't hurt to ask.
 
2018-07-12 09:04:22 AM  
"Kissed another man" = rode like a rented mule.
 
2018-07-12 09:17:51 AM  
Ha, of course Prudie takes her side.
 
2018-07-12 09:26:05 AM  
They both work full time and he wants her to quit necking with another dude and contribute to the housework.  The nerve of that bastardo.
 
2018-07-12 09:35:33 AM  

wow just wow: They both work full time and he wants her to quit necking with another dude and contribute to the housework.  The nerve of that bastardo.


Yeah, and get this, he seems upset about it.  What an asshole!
 
2018-07-12 09:40:34 AM  
img.fark.netView Full Size


Sorry, honey, but you agreed to this, so put on the Burger King uniform and get ready because he wants it his way.
 
2018-07-12 09:50:01 AM  

wow just wow: They both work full time and he wants her to quit necking with another dude and contribute to the housework.  The nerve of that bastardo.


He's probably some damn incel
 
2018-07-12 10:00:11 AM  
"While he doesn't have a drinking problem, he is a bad drinker"

Wat?

Newsflash.  He has a drinking problem.
 
2018-07-12 10:23:11 AM  
I've never understood the whole "we treat each other like shiat and we're both miserable but we're deeply in love" thing. No, you're not.

Locked in a codependent folie a deux maybe but love? No.
 
2018-07-12 10:25:32 AM  
Thursday Prudie.  We're done with Hump day, and like most of us, we are done with work for the week, so we just sit back and phone it in in all the ways that we can.  Prudie does the same thing.  She just has the staff answer her letters.  Today that staffer just doesn't remember to add "Q" and "A" to the Letters, they add "Dear Prudence,"  I guess that helps, since sometimes they aren't actually questions.

Anyhow, lets get to dispensing fake advice.

1) Well, sometimes I question your commitment to sparkle motion.  Sparkle Motion is the nickname I just gave to his Penis right now.  I think you should double down on that commitment, if you know what I mean.  Also, unlike yesterdays column writer, when you throw the coffee mug at his head, don't miss.

2) Shut the front door.  No, literally.  Your daughter and her friend are suffering from a problem, and by not offering a supportive environment, you are sending them on a path that will end up badly for the both of them.  Make sure the house is a supportive environment.  Put up rainbow stickers.  Both of you start walking with a bow-legged gait and talk about how you have experimented with butt-stuff to see how the other half lives (thank you eKonk).  Get as involved and talk as freely as possible.  Make them smoothies.  Help them in all ways possible.

3) Go with the "Lose a Guy in 10 Days" solution.  Start crying loudly in the restaurant and make a big scene and talk about how you can't eat any of the food there, because the one person at the table that made that comment thinks you're fat.  Problem solved for good.

4) The biggest question is, is the rapist doing butt stuff or not?  Because if they aren't, you are definitely not getting your money's worth out of them.  Men have 'massage parlours' that give 'happy endings', women have 'the rapists' that give 'empowerment'.

5) You owe her this story told over a crappy breakfast at Village Inn (NOT Iho(p/b), Denny's or Waffle House, have some decency and go to some place where you can get a slice of pie if the occasion calls for it afterwards).  If they allow smoking, chain smoke like a motherfarking buzzsaw, even if you aren't a smoker, just for dramatic pauses.  If they don't allow smoking, use coffee sips for dramatic pauses and bathroom breaks for her to digest key components.  Build character backgrounds for the story.  Let her know your side of the truth.

Oh, and this is kind of a "Patty Melt" for breakfast type of conversation.  I know that sounds really weird, but trust me on this.  A patty melt at 9 am with a cup of coffee is really awesome.

6) I think this is a communication issue.  He probably said something along the lines of "I would like to see you more often to get the kink out of your neck", but his English came out as "I would like to see you tonight to put my dick in you".  I would continue to see him, and take him up on all offers.  It's all probably just cultural and communication misunderstandings.

Looks like that's all the Prudie underling can handle for one day.  Well, that's it for this week.  See you later alligator.  In a while crocodile.  See you round like a doughnut.
 
2018-07-12 10:43:07 AM  
Q: I married a man with a child but I don't feel I should parent the child, I don't do my fair share around the house and I've kissed another man.

A: Your husband is a terrible person it's all his fault.

Say what you want about Prudence but she knows her audience and she knows what they want to read.
 
2018-07-12 10:47:22 AM  
Thursday Prudie actually ON Thursday? Is life regaining some normalcy? Are Fark mods just dicking with us? Will that coyote EVER catch that road runner? It's these mysteries of life we ponder. Eh, let's improve the answers...

1) Little secret here- it isn't the smoochy smoochy that made him want a divorce. He's been wanting one. He just now has an excuse that makes you the bad person. The good news is, it sounds like you have some emergency dick just waiting.

2) I'm not sure why you wrote in. It sounds like you have a handle on things. Your daughter is supporting a useless romantic partner, it's going to end in tears, and you find yourself unable to get that message across. Welcome to a little party we call "just like a lot of other folks." Time to start a betting pool on how long things last once they move out. I'll take the six months square.

3) See? This is what happens when you try to run from your problems. You eventually find some problems you can't run away from. You have to stand and fight. Punch them when they say things like that.

4) I don't think the problem is exclusive to Anna, Sammy, you, or the therapist. Just reading about this fatigued me... I think the real problem here is that all of you are high maintenance enough to shame a supermodel who owns a British sports car. It would be hard enough for a normal person to put up with your shiat for any length of time. Putting all of you together creates a supercritical mass of need sufficient to create a huge sucking singularity of victimization. You're all trying to come off as the neediest. What we all need is some time apart. I don't mean you all from each other. I mean at least you need time off from writing me.

5) (uncensored quote without context): Your mother's a whore, Trebek.

6) Holy damn. That punched right through the sarcasm. You could write a brief letter explaining some of the extenuating circumstances of her birth and wish her well, all while politely but firmly expressing it's a chapter in your life that needs to remain closed. 25ish years later is a little late to raise up the girl as an instrument of your vengeance anyway.

7) Why you think his immigration status is your problem is beyond me. Does your state have a board for regulating faux medical providers like chiropractors? They need to know he's suggesting spine treatments involving his bone.

8) (Classic Prudie): Threesome.

Hope your week ends well!
 
2018-07-12 11:03:31 AM  

Egoy3k: Q: I married a man with a child but I don't feel I should parent the child, I don't do my fair share around the house and I've kissed another man.

A: Your husband is a terrible person it's all his fault.

Say what you want about Prudence but she knows her audience and she knows what they want to read.


Prudie definitely put all the cards on the table, even slamming a longtime listener to do it.
 
2018-07-12 11:06:09 AM  
Question: how old is this couple? Because June Cleaver is not really a reference used for "ideal mother" for anyone under the age of 50.
 
2018-07-12 11:10:22 AM  
Working in reverse order today.

What is it with people unable to maintain professional boundaries?  The chiropractor should not have propositioned in the first place and if the attraction was such that he felt he couldn't be professional, should have handed the writer off to another in the clinic.  Writer should get refunded, damn the consequences for reporting.  Not writers problem.

Sad about the adoption situation.  Birth mom really ought to at least give an explanation even if it's a terse letter.  Because if her kid found her and then didn't get a response, it's entirely possible her kid goes to find other relatives and that sounds like it'd be much worse.  If the mom is in her 40s and was 16 when it happened, that means her child is now an adult and while it may be shocking, should be able to understand why a terse letter is all that she gets if it's honest.

Anna and Sammy need to work out their communication issues.  Letter writer should tell them that and stay in therapy.

Runner's not high needs to tell the joker to STFU and MYOB.

Letter writer with the daughter and partner in their home needs to set a deadline for moving out and after that, STFU and MYOB.

It's very simple in the first letter.  Husband did not marry the letter writer to be a wife.  He married a woman to be a mother to his child in the manner he expects a mother to be.  This was a point clearly not obvious before the ceremony and as such, I feel it's effectively a nullifying clause to the marriage.  Drinking issues aside, dad clearly has an expectation that the woman in the relationship be the lead in child raising even if not the biological mother and he serves as backup.  In short, he doesn't really want the job of raising the kid.  Letter writer needs to get out.  This won't resolve itself.
 
2018-07-12 11:22:00 AM  
Funny story bro. I once locked lips with a gal and the wife was farking furious for weeks. A year later she's does the same with a buddy 15 minutes before he gets married and she still likes to tell me that story and laughs about it. Go figure.
 
2018-07-12 11:23:06 AM  

akula: Does your state have a board for regulating faux medical providers like chiropractors? They need to know he's suggesting spine treatments involving his bone.


Actually, as an FYI, all U.S. states and territories have boards regulating professions and occupations (I believe this is the case, Fark, prove me wrong).  It goes for everything from Nail Technicians and tree trimming services to engineers, lawyers and doctors.

https://apps.colorado.gov/dora/licens​i​ng/Lookup/LicenseLookup.aspx

It's so easy to call someone out on their B.S. these days with the internet.
 
2018-07-12 11:36:16 AM  

tdyak: akula: Does your state have a board for regulating faux medical providers like chiropractors? They need to know he's suggesting spine treatments involving his bone.

Actually, as an FYI, all U.S. states and territories have boards regulating professions and occupations (I believe this is the case, Fark, prove me wrong).  It goes for everything from Nail Technicians and tree trimming services to engineers, lawyers and doctors.

https://apps.colorado.gov/dora/licensi​ng/Lookup/LicenseLookup.aspx

It's so easy to call someone out on their B.S. these days with the internet.


It almost gets amusing all the professions that require licensing. I'm sure there's some kind of reason why hairdressers need regulating, I just don't know what that reason is.
 
2018-07-12 11:41:47 AM  

akula: tdyak: akula: Does your state have a board for regulating faux medical providers like chiropractors? They need to know he's suggesting spine treatments involving his bone.

Actually, as an FYI, all U.S. states and territories have boards regulating professions and occupations (I believe this is the case, Fark, prove me wrong).  It goes for everything from Nail Technicians and tree trimming services to engineers, lawyers and doctors.

https://apps.colorado.gov/dora/licensi​ng/Lookup/LicenseLookup.aspx

It's so easy to call someone out on their B.S. these days with the internet.

It almost gets amusing all the professions that require licensing. I'm sure there's some kind of reason why hairdressers need regulating, I just don't know what that reason is.


Right shade of blue water for comb's.
 
2018-07-12 11:49:17 AM  

akula: tdyak: akula: Does your state have a board for regulating faux medical providers like chiropractors? They need to know he's suggesting spine treatments involving his bone.

Actually, as an FYI, all U.S. states and territories have boards regulating professions and occupations (I believe this is the case, Fark, prove me wrong).  It goes for everything from Nail Technicians and tree trimming services to engineers, lawyers and doctors.

https://apps.colorado.gov/dora/licensi​ng/Lookup/LicenseLookup.aspx

It's so easy to call someone out on their B.S. these days with the internet.

It almost gets amusing all the professions that require licensing. I'm sure there's some kind of reason why hairdressers need regulating, I just don't know what that reason is.


Hmmmmm.  Not a $ingle rea$on come$ to mind.
 
2018-07-12 12:35:26 PM  
Dear Desperate Moron Who Will Be Divorced Soon,
To paraphrase much of your letter, "Sure, my husband occasionally strangles hookers, but he's a wonderful guy and I love him so much!"
"While he doesn't have a drinking problem, he is a bad drinker"
Umm...
Next, why the fark did you tell him you kissed this other guy? And why the fark would you agree to let them talk? How do you think this "conversation" will go? Does your husband own any guns?

Dear Trainwreck,
Your daughter's partner secretly wants a man. An older man. An older man who puts a roof over her head and is concerned about her mental well-being. Now is your chance! And if you really care and want her to feel like a part of the family, invite your wife to join in.

Dear Running,
Since your friends enjoy loudly speculating/joking about your supposed weight problem in public, they'd obviously like you to treat them the same way. You should frequently "joke" about how overweight your tubby friends are, and how they struggle with food addiction. Your friends will appreciate your humor, you'll share some laughs together, and your friendships will only get stronger!

Dear Nervous,
Christ, you sound selfish and demanding! Also neurotic...

Dear What Do I Owe Her,
Well that's a farking horrible story. I'll be thinking about it tonight as I polish off a bottle of Jack and pass out in a puddle of drool and/or vomit, so thanks for that.

Dear Keep It Professional,
I don't see why you have to be so cold. Be more welcoming to this poor man from a different culture, and by be more welcoming, I mean go out with him and offer him pity sex. It's the least you could do! Don't you want people to feel welcome in this country?

Classic Prudence,
Just be glad he doesn't want you to dress up like his mother.
 
2018-07-12 02:20:42 PM  
She kissed him twice and then told her husband about it because she wants him to leave her and give her an excuse to kiss the other guy's wang but not be the one that ended the relationship.
 
2018-07-12 03:26:37 PM  
Ah yes, the eternal rule of advice columnists:

Guy cheats = guy's fault.
Woman cheats = guy's fault.

That's pretty amazing, never being responsible for doing wrong. It's like being a magical little fairy or a toddler or something.
 
2018-07-13 10:53:59 AM  

FuManchu7: "While he doesn't have a drinking problem, he is a bad drinker"

Wat?

Newsflash.  He has a drinking problem.


This.  No one ever complains about the drinking of a social drinker because there's nothing to complain about.
 
2018-07-13 11:09:57 AM  

Big Beef Burrito: [img.fark.net image 650x198]

Sorry, honey, but you agreed to this, so put on the Burger King uniform and get ready because he wants it his way.


They could just even it up if he played the part of someone she'd rather fark at the same time.
 
2018-07-13 11:12:25 AM  

akula: tdyak: akula: Does your state have a board for regulating faux medical providers like chiropractors? They need to know he's suggesting spine treatments involving his bone.

Actually, as an FYI, all U.S. states and territories have boards regulating professions and occupations (I believe this is the case, Fark, prove me wrong).  It goes for everything from Nail Technicians and tree trimming services to engineers, lawyers and doctors.

https://apps.colorado.gov/dora/licensi​ng/Lookup/LicenseLookup.aspx

It's so easy to call someone out on their B.S. these days with the internet.

It almost gets amusing all the professions that require licensing. I'm sure there's some kind of reason why hairdressers need regulating, I just don't know what that reason is.


Cleanliness, health standard.
 
2018-07-13 11:18:02 AM  

inthesticks: Big Beef Burrito: [img.fark.net image 650x198]

Sorry, honey, but you agreed to this, so put on the Burger King uniform and get ready because he wants it his way.

They could just even it up if he played the part of someone she'd rather fark at the same time.


img.fark.netView Full Size


It's a package deal
 
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