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5488 clicks; posted to Discussion » on 17 May 2018 at 2:39 PM (44 weeks ago)   |   Favorite    |   share:    more»

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That was a low bar.  But at least I got them all, so I don't feel stupid.

"really, really, smart..." for a 3rd grader.

I feel really back for the writer.

These are just nerd jokes.

What do you get when you cross a grape and an elephant?
Grape elephant sin(theta).

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a mountain climber?
You can't because a mountain climber is a scalar.

I feel like I just watched 2 minutes of The Big Bang Theory.

Two mathematicians are sitting in a restaurant, having a debate about the state of education.

One states that the average person cannot solve simple calculus problems, to which the other counters that broad public education enables the average person to solve those problems. The skeptical mathematician proposes they ask their waitress a simple problem to see if she can solve it.

The second mathematician privately thinks that their waitress probably wouldn't be able to answer it, so he excuses himself to talk to her beforehand. He finds her near the kitchen and says, "Hey, listen. My colleague and I wanted to ask you a simple calculus question when you returned to our table. Just remember that the answer is (1/3)x3." The waitress nods and the man returns to his table.

A few minutes pass and the waitress comes by and delivers their appetizer. "Is there anything else I can help you with?" she asks. "Actually, there is; a little math test. Do you happen to know the indefinite integral of x2?" The waitress thinks for a moment and responds, "Oh that's easy. It's (1/3)x3 + C

Q: Why don't people write jokes in octal?

A: Because 7 10 11.

They were mostly lame dad jokes.
The only one I liked ,was the surrealists with the lightbulb.

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but Saran wrap.  The doctor takes one look at him, and says, "I can clearly see your nuts."

Why are you asking if I have read Marx when my testicles are trapped?

Is there a category for people who get these jokes but don't find them funny?

John Buck 41: Is there a category for people who get these jokes but don't find them funny?

Intelligent people with a functional sense of humor(u)r

They were difficult, but I eventually worked them out with a pencil.

The Zen master Basho is visiting  New York, and walking in Central park.
He approaches a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."

The Mirror is a joke.

There are 10 kinds of people in the world, those who understand binary and those who don't.

*sigh*  How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two.  One to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored power tools.

There are so many variations of this joke that it will make your head spin around and melt.

RJReves: Why are you asking if I have read Marx when my testicles are trapped?

What sort of asshole sets up a trap for testicles?

bighairyguy: They were difficult, but I eventually worked them out with a pencil.

LOL

It's not that people don't get them, it's just that they're stupid and unfunny.

sithon: They were mostly lame dad jokes.
The only one I liked ,was the surrealists with the lightbulb.

They didn't get it right.

The punchline is:
Two.  One to paint the giraffe purple, and the other to fill the bathtub with machine parts.

bighairyguy: They were difficult, but I eventually worked them out with a pencil.

Something about a constipated accountant whose balance-sheets weren't tallying-up correctly?

/DNRTFA

A little high brow maybe but if you think about for a while most of you should get it eventually....

A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife, "Wife, we're going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog."
The wife grimaces, "But I don't like fishing!"
"Look! We're going fishing and that's final."
"Do I have to go fishing with you... I really don't want to go!"
"Right I'll give you three choices... 1 You come fishing with me and the dog... 2 You give me a BLOW JOB.... 3 or you take it up the ass!"
The wife grimaces again, "But I don't want to do any of those things!"
" I've given you three options.. You'll HAVE to do one of them! I'm going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!"
The wife sits and thinks about it.
Twenty minutes later her husband comes back, "Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BLOW JOB, or ass?"
The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, "O.K. I'll give you a blow job!"
"Great!" He says and drops his pants.
The wife is on her knees doing the business. Suddenly she stops, looks up at her Husband, "Oh! It tastes absolutely disgusting... It tastes all shiatty!"
"Yeah" says her husband "The dog didn't want to go fishing either."

Donald Trump.

One of the jokes I made up with my 7-year-old:

Q:  What did the chair say to the table?
A:  Nothing, chairs don't talk.

Q:  What did the table say to the chair?
A:  Nothing, because of the norm of reciprocity.

FrancoFile: sithon: They were mostly lame dad jokes.
The only one I liked ,was the surrealists with the lightbulb.

They didn't get it right.

The punchline is:
Two.  One to paint the giraffe purple, and the other to fill the bathtub with machine parts.

How is filling a bathtub with machine parts surreal? How else is one supposed to degrease the cylinder heads without a utility sink?

/just don't wipe your hands on the bathroom towels until they're thoroughly scrubbed with Fast Orange
//and rinsed
///preferably the pumice variety

The wicker one took me a second but I got the others as soon as I read them. Hasn't ever half-respectable nerd heard three versions of the H2O/H2O2 bar joke by now.

/a nerd walks into a bar
//swears he'll remember his glasses next time
///budum tish

These are fun and cute, nit "genius" level jokes, though...

My wife was making drink coasters for my niece and nephew (chemical and metallurgical engineers, respectively) , and my stepson(Welder) who graduated this year, and she was looking up jokes and sayings. Same things, they were fun, and might have a little bit of an "inside knowledge" thing, but not genius level. The one I can think of off of the top of my head was a welding one: 'I'd tell you a welding joke, but all of the good ones Argon.'. Fun, but not worth writing a newspaper article over.

Xcott: One of the jokes I made up with my 7-year-old:

Q:  What did the chair say to the table?
A:  Nothing, chairs don't talk.

Q:  What did the table say to the chair?
A:  Nothing, because of the norm of reciprocity.

That's like saying your seven year old and you came up with, "yo momma's so fat, I had to integrate her by parts."

thisdaydreamer: The wicker one took me a second but I got the others as soon as I read them. Hasn't ever half-respectable nerd heard three versions of the H2O/H2O2 bar joke by now.

/a nerd walks into a bar
//swears he'll remember his glasses next time
///budum tish

Johnny was a chemist,
but Johnny is no more.
What Johnny thought
was H2O,
was H2SO4.

Cyrus the Mediocre: Two mathematicians are sitting in a restaurant, having a debate about the state of education.

One states that the average person cannot solve simple calculus problems, to which the other counters that broad public education enables the average person to solve those problems. The skeptical mathematician proposes they ask their waitress a simple problem to see if she can solve it.

The second mathematician privately thinks that their waitress probably wouldn't be able to answer it, so he excuses himself to talk to her beforehand. He finds her near the kitchen and says, "Hey, listen. My colleague and I wanted to ask you a simple calculus question when you returned to our table. Just remember that the answer is (1/3)x3." The waitress nods and the man returns to his table.

A few minutes pass and the waitress comes by and delivers their appetizer. "Is there anything else I can help you with?" she asks. "Actually, there is; a little math test. Do you happen to know the indefinite integral of x2?" The waitress thinks for a moment and responds, "Oh that's easy. It's (1/3)x3 + C

That's a good one.

Once I was contacted by a guy from "Stuff" magazine, because they were writing an article about tasteless math and science jokes, with explanations, to teach their readers science and mathematics.  They contacted me, because they found a joke on Usenet that I wrote, and they wanted an explanation.

The joke was about a mathematician whose son was run over by a steamroller.  The mathematician had to go to the morgue to ID what was left of the body.  When he was asked if he could identify the remains, he replied, "no, but I can identify a pair of antipodal points."

Two psychoanalysts are having lunch.  The first psychoanalyst says, "You know, I made the most interesting Freudian slip the other day."  The second psychoanalyst says, "Those are such fascinating windows into the workings of the unconscious.  What happened?" And the first psychoanalyst says, "I was having dinner with my mother, and what I meant to say was, 'Mother, please pass the salt.'  But what came out was, 'Mother, you biatch, you ruined my whole farking life.'"

A mathematician, a biologist, and a physicist are having lunch at an outdoor cafe.  Across the street, two people walk into a building.  Five minutes later, three people come out.

"That's impossible," declares the physicist, "that violates conservation of mass!"

"No, you idiot," says the biologist, "those two people obviously reproduced while they were inside."

The mathematician shrugs, "well all I know is, if one person walks into the building it will be empty."

Two behavioral economists are walking down the sidewalk.  They see a Ferrari parked on the side of the road.

One of the economists says "You know, I've always wanted a Ferrari".  The other economist says "Obviously not".

TWX: bighairyguy: They were difficult, but I eventually worked them out with a pencil.

Something about a constipated accountant whose balance-sheets weren't tallying-up correctly?

/DNRTFA

Not in the article, but I'm sure it was considered.

Three statisticians go bow-hunting in the woods.  They spot a large buck in the distance, and the first man draws his bow, fires.  His shot goes left, and he misses the buck by four feet.  The second man draws his bow and fires.  His shot goes right, and misses the buck by four feet.  The third man stands and excitedly yells "We got him!"

thisdaydreamer: The wicker one took me a second but I got the others as soon as I read them. Hasn't ever half-respectable nerd heard three versions of the H2O/H2O2 bar joke by now

The only good one: "...The bartender gives them both water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position as well as pragmatic context"

FrancoFile: Two behavioral economists are walking down the sidewalk.  They see a Ferrari parked on the side of the road.

One of the economists says "You know, I've always wanted a Ferrari".  The other economist says "Obviously not".

A group of economists and mathematicians board a train to go to a conference.  The economists each have a train ticket, and the mathematicians have only one ticket for the whole group.

"What are you, idiots?" say the economists.  "You need a ticket per person."

"Oh, we have a method," say the mathematicians.

Then they hear the conductor coming, and the mathematicians all cram into a bathroom at the back of the car.  The conductor clicks everyone's ticket, then knocks on the occupied bathroom door and says "tickets, please."  A ticket slides out from under the door, the conductor clicks it, and slides it back.

The economists feel like fools after seeing this, but then say "clearly we can apply this method to economics."  On the trip back, they buy only one ticket for the whole group.  The mathematicians show up with no ticket at all.

"What are you, idiots?" say the economists.  "You need at least one ticket."

"Oh, we've refined our method."

Then they hear the conductor coming.  The mathematicians cram into a bathroom at the end of the car.  The economists cram into the other bathroom at the end of the car.  Then a mathematician steps out of the bathroom, goes to the other one, knocks on the door and says "tickets, please."

1. whoosh
2. whoosh
3. ouch!

ThurmanMerman: Two psychoanalysts are having lunch.  The first psychoanalyst says, "You know, I made the most interesting Freudian slip the other day."  The second psychoanalyst says, "Those are such fascinating windows into the workings of the unconscious.  What happened?" And the first psychoanalyst says, "I was having dinner with my mother, and what I meant to say was, 'Mother, please pass the salt.'  But what came out was, 'Mother, you biatch, you ruined my whole farking life.'"

Moloko - Mother

The point of these jokes wasn't humor it was so morons could feel smart because they got them

"...transporting young gulls across staid lions for immortal porpoises."

/PECCAVI

to save time.

...assume spherical cow

There are 10 kinds of people in the world; Those that understand binary and those that don't.

Math is stupid and smells.

What did one utensil say to another?
It's spoon so long. It's fork and knife to see ya.

Calehedron: There are 10 kinds of people in the world; Those that understand binary and those that don't.

And that's the 10th time that joke has appeared in this thread.

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