(yes this is long, but it there's a point to it) Fark Crayon Monkey Joe Peacock wrote an article on his blog last year about how disconcerting it is to find out someone died on Facebook, but to me it seems like a reasonable enough way to discover it. If you think about it, it's not like there's really a better way to let everyone know. No one but you knows who all your friends are exactly, after all. It is a little disconcerting though, because looking at Facebook pages of the departed is a lot like seeing a ghost. It's an imprint of who they were in life. And it's impossible not to be slightly weirded out when the dearly departed's account and starts accepting friend requests, for example. Genevieve was just now telling me Nasser's still logged into Google Chat. And I think I read somewhere he's got an unfinished Scrabble game still going. Or to put it in more personal terms, what Doug Graham said on FB after being added by Nasser earlier today "OMFG! OMFG! OMFG! The man's gone...yet he added me as a friend THE DAY AFTER HE PASSED AWAY!!" That pretty much sums it up. Some people express surprise at how the death of someone they knew mainly from the Internet could possibly impact them so much. In a way though, the waves we leave behind as we wander around in digital space are even more permanent than those we leave in real life. For one thing, they're recorded forever, locked in a moment of time that can be retrieved and relived over and over by those who choose to look back. Memories fade, digital footprints do not. If you ever had a hilarious conversation with Nasser in a thread, hit the Fark archives - it's still there, exactly as it occurred the first time around. After running Fark for the past 12 years and being involved in Internet communities of one sort or another for almost 20 years, feeling grief over the death of an Internet friend doesn't surprise me anymore. It hits just as hard when an Internet friend passes on, possibly even worse. Because unlike real life where you think you see the person's ghost everywhere for the following week or so, you actually do see their digital ghost almost everywhere you go online. I'm not sure if this makes the grieving process harder or easier, since I can't tell I'm going to just choose easier and go with it. I'm really going to miss Nasser, more than I would have thought possible. The man wasn't a saint by most measures, and we definitely had our disagreements and run-ins. The first time I met him I thought "this man is seriously an enormous douchebag". He must have been in or just out of college when we first met, and I think pretty much all of us are giant douchebags in our early 20s (I know I was). But every time after that, he was easier and easier to get along with. Some people stay enormous douchebags their entire lives, Nasser was not one of those people. He grew. He and I shared a major weakness: just like me, he had a penchant for going on the Internet drunk and raising all kinds of hell. But at the end of the day one thing was consistent: he meant well. He was flawed, as are all of us, but he knew it and he constantly endeavored to become a better person. During the last round of moderator picks I joked that Nasser was next on the list, but I honestly even at the time was starting to see a glimmer of a possibility that maybe it might actually happen someday. Not saying it would have, but the Chicago Fark Party in April that he put together was a huge indication not only of how much he'd grown as an individual since first coming to Fark, but that he was capable of taking on a large task and pulling it off in spectacular fashion. The Nasser who passed away yesterday was very different from the Nasser I first met almost 10 years ago And he did make moderator, as of yesterday. I so very much wish it could have happened under better circumstances. Although no doubt it would have been followed by a week of people becoming "Internet outraged", leaving Fark forever, getting over it, and coming back the following week (as the pattern seems to go). It goes without saying that I would gladly withstand years of Internet outrage to get Nasser back. And speaking of the Chicago Fark Party this past April, it had the highest attendence of any party ever. Nasser was so worried that it was going to be a failure. We had dinner just before the party and he was so nervous he could hardly eat or talk. But it was such a huge success. Anytime there is a party where people who weren't there wish they could have been there, that my friends is an epic event. And it was all due to him and that fact that he worked so hard on the small details that when the time came, everything just clicked. Since that party in April, Nasser and I had been emailing back and forth about trying to set up a possible larger version of the Chicago party in Vegas, a World Fark Party. A number of folks have suggested we do it in his honor on or around April 1st next year, which was his birthday. I've been involved in trying to run a convention-level event before, and I know how hard it is - way too hard for me to contemplate doing by myself. If anyone out there either is or knows of a good event coordinator could you drop me an email? We'll start talking about logistics and see what can be done there. Email, don't post in the thread, just in case I miss it. It is such a kick in the gut every time I realize that Nasser won't be there, though. It is said that whenever someone dies, we should try to celebrate their life instead of being sad. I agree with that sentiment but it sure takes a lot of effort to get into that mindset. Anyhow I try to push myself into happy whenever possible, so on that note, let's shake ourselves out of this haze of sadness for just a bit. To anyone who has one, could please post your funniest Nassar story? Because there have to be thousands of them. Anyone who loved alcohol and the ladies as much as Nasser was bound to rack up a huge number of "this one time I was so drunk" stories. If any witnesses would like to come forward and share their funniest memories of Nasser, by all means please post them in the thread here. I know a bunch have been posted in the other thread, so feel free to pick your favorites from there and repost them here. I don't have any specific stories, just random memories. Like a few years back when I was so blotto at a Fark party I could barely stand up and he came around with tequila shots for me, which was the last thing I needed that night (and not coincidentally the last thing I remember). And I remember him parading around at the Chicago Fark Party with his life size replica of a wrestling championship belt he'd bought at a recent event for reasons even he couldn't explain (alcohol was a factor). "Dumbest $250 I ever spent in my life," he told me. "I doubt that," I said. No doubt many of you can do better than that, so bring it. Post away
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"15 seconds"There's a court case in Kentucky at the moment that probably isn't that well known outside of either the state or college basketball circles, but it's hysterical. I've been wracking my brain trying to figure out how the hell to promote it on Fark but it doesn't really lend itself easily to a one-line description. The best I can do is at least provide some background and link out to the rest. Karen Sypher is accused of trying to extort Louisville basketball Coach Rick Pitino, basically trading his money for her silence about a drunken hookup back in 2003. That's about the shortest explanation for it, really hard to get a punchline in edgewise. For the best description of how it probably all went down, check out this most excellent blog entry: You Say I'm Premature, I Just Call It Ecstasy. Why is this funny or of interest? You'll have to catch up on the ins and outs of what's happened during the first week of the trial. Which you can find summarized here. Okay, so aside from the fact that Matt Jones's blog coverage is hilarious, I noticed something else regarding his trial coverage this week and legacy media in general. Matt Jones is actually going to the trial. He's sitting there taking notes, writing down stuff. A couple Louisville TV stations have guys there, as does the LVille Courier Journal. The AP may or may not have someone there (wink wink to my friends in legacy media); however, you'll see reports and commentary from all kinds of sports news sites and blogs who don't have firsthand access to the information. Now certainly some of the coverage is legit, however I've seen several sports sites and blogs writing posts about the Sypher trial with a structure oddly similar to Matt's writing. It's almost as if they're summarizing off his notes. This isn't unusual, it happens all the time even between legacy media outlets. It's an old practice. What I can't figure out though is why those writers don't mention Matt's blog as a source? I do local radio at Z103 in Lexington on Fridays when I'm around and not so hung over I can't drive. The DJs there up until recently weren't allowed to mention other area radio stations by name, as if somehow that would prevent anyone from finding out they existed. Newspapers don't like to mention TV, TV doesn't mention radio, and very rarely does anyone mention blogs. The reason for this has to do with an outdated concept legacy media still hangs onto: stickiness. The theory goes that once you send people away from your media product, they never come back. People channel surf, put the paper down when they get distracted, etc. I have no idea if this concept was ever relevant, I suspect it probably was. But on the Internet, it's not relevant at all. I remember a conversation I had with a remnant ad network back in 2001 or 2002. I explained to them the concept of Fark, and they were incredulous that I would send traffic away from my own site. I couldn't figure out why it made any difference, people come back after all. I witnessed an interesting experiment a few years ago. Deadspin, Sports by Brooks, and a couple other sports websites whose names I forget started linking to each other repeatedly and often. Turns out that they ended up gaining a sizeable portion of each other's audience. Think about how you browse sites on the Internet. If you find an interesting one, you bookmark it. And you don't delete one of your existing bookmarks to make room for it. Odds are if you like sports you go to more than one sports site. Most people use more than one social networking site. No one suffers because of too much linking back and forth. Everyone benefits. Incidentally, on kentuckysportsradio.com's main page today, WHAS11, one of the local TV affiliates gave Matt not only a huge shout-out but some airtime. Kudos to them. Better yet, Matt linked back to them. Everyone got a traffic boost out of it. You'd think it would happen more often. Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2010-07-25 to Sat 2010-07-31:  Man robbed and shot in Garfield Park. Odie humanity   Sound barrier breaks high-speed biker  See cells in the Seychelles for the sea scores  Actual headline: "Man hit by two cars critical." I can't speak for anyone else, but I know that I wouldn't have anything nice to say if I were hit by two cars  University tells student to lose religion. That's her in the corner. That's her in the spotlight Aggressive, out of control tiger on the loose in Johannesburg neighborhood. Men are being asked to keep their wives indoors until the golf tournament is over Wedding photographer asks bride and groom to pose with hunting rifles and gets one more headshot than planned Suspicious device found in Chelsea. Guess she couldn't wait for the wedding Pole dancing classes for girls nine years of age and under. Ideal for parents looking to avoid ever paying for a university education for their daughter  Fired bondage club worker charged in death of former boss - now in shackles, so expected to get off quickly  Brewmasters edging closer to creating a beer that will get you hammered by the end of the six-pack, known in scientific circles as "The Curtis Limit" Sports:  Mayor Daley nearly hit with bat at White Sox game, immediately confiscates bats in Chicago. Its not like the Cubs were using them anyway Rams promise Sam Bradford $50 million to get sacked wearing their jersey  NY Yankees acquire Kerry Wood; no word on if he was injured by the transaction Geek: Microsoft is excited about their new ad slogan for 2010: "Be what's next." It just narrowly edged out their second choice: "ctrl-alt-delete" For only $34,000 you can buy a video game that teaches your snowflake abstinence, or you could just spend 50 bucks, buy them World of Warcraft and let nature take its course Scientists measure shortest interval of time ever. Submitter's wife believes otherwise Showbiz:  Paris Hilton voted perfect vacation buddy in online poll beating out Tila Tequila and Kim Kardashian. Apparently this vacation is in the 9th level of hell  Diablo Cody overproduces a baby boy Paul Lee to be new head of ABC Entertainment, wants a cracker Politics:  Fox News needs to be more careful with their race-baiting as it might offend and alienate their black viewer White House Correspondents Association contemplates giving vacated press briefing room seat to FOX on news that Nickelodeon is not interested California gubernatorial candidate Meg Whitman is now in support of the anti-immigration legislation she recently opposed shortly after she stated she supported it, unless you speak Spanish Music:  Hugh Laurie to record an album and mercifully, it won't be House music If you have $20.2M to spare, you could own Ronnie Wood's house which has a pool, 19 bathrooms and 7 bedrooms in which to hide your underage girlfriend when your wife is visiting Ozzfest to sell special package tickets that permits you to get married. It's just like a regular wedding, except the doves don't make it alive Business: Oil prices slide on news that US has oceans of it Apple set the bar pretty low for naming tablets with the iPad, and Blackberry shimmies under that bar with the Blackpad Chicago faces $654 million deficit, thanks to all the dough they waste making those godawful pizzas
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No posting this week; enjoy the headlines. Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2010-07-18 to Sat 2010-07-24: Food bank mistakenly gives out dog food to seniors, leaving them outraged but alert and frisky Man falls from mast of 19th century ship, hits head, dies. Rigger, please  "Nobody wants to see the McDonald's-ization of cannabis," says a guy who clearly hasn't thought through the obvious synergies between McDonald's and weed Mysterious bulge leads airport authorities to search man and find three pairs of titis Sailing man strip off trunks to wave for help. Rescuers arrive soon after they spot his dinghy Pistil wielding man robs bank China denies that it has surpassed the United States as the world's top energy consumer, claiming that the data is tainted. Presumably with lead, chromium, melamine, sulfur, etc Boy fascinated with fish drowns in garden pond. Act of Cod suspected  Oklahoma McDonalds restaurant robbed by a woman wearing men's underwear on her head. Cops in hot pursuit of the vehicle after getting a good look at the skid marks Tropical Storm Bonnie moving toward oil spill, could bring a total eclipse of the coast Texans wonder if they executed an innocent man. They don't actually care, they're just wondering Sports: ESPN plans to devote more than 30 hours of primetime to 2010 World Series of Poker as major sports event, promises it won't cut into any of their planned Brett Favre or LeBron James coverage Lou Piniella retiring as Cubs' manager. Well, he actually retired in 2008, but he'll stop getting paid by the Cubs after this season  Nick Saban has "no respect" for agents that use players for their own benefit, calls them "pimps". Presumably he then took an entire breath before calling a recruit from his million dollar house, promising him an NFL career Geek: Symbian inserts open-source tool, paves way for wave after wave of multiple apps Australian government censors plans to require ISPs to store "ce█tain intern█t act█vit█es of all Au█trali█ns". Wow, they must be sensitive ██coonts Gene may determine bullying response - especially if Gene is much bigger than you and has friends Showbiz: Cast of "Jersey Shore" goes on strike. There's probably not enough hair gel, silicone, Affliction t-shirts, body spray and Valtrex in the world to pay them adequately Robert Pattinson says Kristen Stewart makes him uncomfortable, like when she tries to kiss him or touch him in any way MTV is now cited as the network with the most gay characters. In a close race, narrowly missing the honor this year was C-SPAN Politics: Mitt's got 100 problems Rod Blagojevich's lawyers take a gamble by not putting him on the stand. If this doesn't pan out there will be hell toupee Sen. John Kerry (R-MA) avoids paying $437,500 in sales tax and an annual excise tax of about $70,000 by mooring his yacht in Newport, RI. Must be a swift boat Music: Whitney Houston spends over $6,000 a week on cocaine, over $325,000 a year, and she could be dead in a year according to worried friends and an even more worried coke dealer Sagging sales, boobs, may be spelling the end of Lilith Fair Ron Jeremy in a heavy metal band. How about Nine.75 Inch Nails? Business: Wal Mart recalls chicken nuggets due to contamination, possibly from real chicken Existing home sales fall 5.1 percent; imaginary homes sales flat 80% of bank bonuses weren't merited. Apparently they haven't checked into the other 20% yet
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Placeholder for Drew 7-20 Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2010-07-11 to Sat 2010-07-17:  Bristol-Myers Squibb announces recall of anti-clotting drug Coumadin. The first signs were during a transfusion in a Taiwanese hospital, where the patient was receiving Taipei blood Ireland is rioting. Could be religious. Could be nationalist. Could be Tuesday  Dong found guilty of beating man Vaseline launches new Facebook app that lightens skin. Users surprised when their credit scores rise, they're no longer pulled over without reason, and their income rises 28% Texas cop run over by his own squad car expected to recover. Car charged with attempted murder, resisting arrest, fleeing the scene, and driving without a license Horny creature savages young man's groin. But enough about your Mom, this is a story about a British tourist being gored by a bull Apple holding an iPhone 4 press conference on Friday. Here's hoping that they hold it correctly The Vatican says ordaining women is as bad as raping children. So it's okay, then? Olive oil sold as "extra virgin" often is merely "virgin." Well, yeah, if you want get anal about it Elderly couple dies while stuck in a descending elevator; the scene will be tragically reenacted during their funeral Vader sought in connection with disappearance of elderly couple, Alderaan Sports: NHRA driver died on Sunday, Sunday, SUNDAY Stern fines Cavs $50,000 for comments about LeBron and another $50,000 for using Comic Sans Landon Donovan's shot in English gal disallowed Geek: Apple Store opens in Shanghai, across the street from the Epple Store, just down the road from the RedFruitComputers Shop and next to the WindowSoft Emporium Earth is much younger than previously thought - it just looks older because it spends so much time in the sun Houston museum attempting to coax corpse flower with rotting bananas. Don't they know that leading a horticuture is a fruitless endeavor? Showbiz: RFK Jr is getting a divorce from his wife. Phew, talk about dodging a bullet Critically acclaimed series The Hills finally ends. Applauded for its innovative use of cinema verite techniques, the show will be remembered for the way it commanded the youth of America into a new age of enlightenment Katy Perry in bikini and now that all the straight men have already clicked the link, we can communicate freely; the revolution starts tonight. Leave no survivors. Triumph will finally be ours over the straight males Politics: Fidel Castro emerged from his den and smiled, guaranteeing six more years of communism Federal judge sentences great grandson of Alexander Graham Bell to life in prison without possibility of parole, refuses to reverse the charges WV Governor taps former aide, sister-cousins Music: Once proudly feminist and independent, the Lilith Fair festival has been sullied by the corporate interests of Big Tampon™  Creed announced that lead singer Scott Stapp's wife gave birth to a son. Finally, it's the first thing Creed ever produced that didn't sound like second-rate Pearl Jam Model on cover of Vampire Weekend's "Contra" sues band, presumably after listening to the album Business: For $5800, GM will let you come to their factory and help them build your own Corvette engine. Bringing a few mechanics from Ford is optional but recommended  Tiny violin sales skyrocket after BP exec says coffee spill parody video hurts BP employees' feelings First impression of the new paywall around the Times and Sunday Times news sites: "Wow, where did everyone go?"
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Lots of stuff happening, but most of it has been happening for a while so at this point it's periodic updates. Seeing so many headlines every day, it's all beginning to blur, I start wondering why President Lebron isn't doing more to stop bad World Cup officiating at the BP oil spill in Miami. We are, however, just past the halfway point of the year, and Unfreakable is working on the Headline of the Year contest. The primary categories will still be: Headline of the Year - Main - Sports - Geek - Showbiz - Politics - Business - Music - Puns and Wordplay As well as Dumbass of the Year, Parents of the Year, and the Weirdest Story of 2010. In years past, there's always a bit of conflict on the Headline of the Year contest, because some of the best headlines are spit-out-your-drink hilarious, but only in relation to the linked story. On a t-shirt, it wouldn't be funny all by itself. But since many of these these are Fark favorites, we're adding a new category for "context" headline this year. Hopefully in November the articles they linked to will still be available, but regardless, we're going to have a contest for those, too, so that everybody gets time to consider. Usually we don't get spooled up on any of this until November, but then we have to crush things through and we'd rather be done with the contests by December 15 because the media starts shutting down the last two weeks of the year, just like most non-retail businesses. So in the next two weeks we'll be putting up some voting threads in Totalfark to let the TFers vote on their favorites from January through June, as well as those sub-contests, so that by Thanksgiving we're ahead of the game and can start putting up the threads the first two weeks of December. So if you're not a member of TF and you want to vote on the HOY primaries, now's the time to part with a fiver. Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2010-07-04 to Sat 2010-07-10: Female suicide bomber kills four in Iraq after being promised an eternity of subjugation and second class citizenship in the afterlife Colombian cops find World Cup made of cocaine. They were unsure of the intended destination of the coke, but since it was in the form of the World Cup they immediately ruled out the United States Man who blew his arm off fooling around with fireworks is "beating himself up" over his foolishness. Only on one side of his body, though Queen Elizabeth II to address United Nations and visit Ground Zero in her first visit to the United States since Reggie Jackson's failed assassination attempt 92 year old woman dies from heat, being 92 Man holds his mom hostage for not ironing clothes. Authorities don't expect her to even press charges Men who do household chores are more attractive, say women who don't like to do household chores Anne Frank's Diary has been translated into a graphic novel. The inevitable movie adaptation that is 2.5 hours long and misses the point while changing the best parts will be released next year There once were reporters on KARK. Who posted funny videos as a lark. Since they used their own station. Unemployment was hastened. And now they're a headline on FARK Jasmine's aroma equals the calming effect of valium. After she gets off the pole, of course Woman gives birth to two ten-pound babies, is now headed to Gulf to replace containment cap on Macondo well Sports: Caster Semenya hopes that he will soon be able to compete again in womens athletics Sports scientists say athletes who most exuberantly slap teammates on the butt have the best chance of winning, scoring  Son of former NFL coach Dennis Green arrested for possessing child porn, claims the images WEREN'T WHO HE THOUGHT THEY WERE Geek: New Zealand scientists discover that fish talk to each other in a "secret language of grunts, growls, chirps and pops". Much like New Zealanders, in fact New device will vibrate your car seat when something moves into the car's blind spot. Subby will be backing in and out of her garage for a while, if you need her Google avoids classic blunder, doesn't get involved in a LAN war in Asia Showbiz: Harlan Ellison announces The Great Book Purge, a sale of rare items from his own library, including first editions and unproduced scripts. Buy something or he'll sue you  ♫ LiLo, LiLo, it's off to jail you go. ♫ Tori Spelling says Dean McDermott's motorcycle crash has been hard on their young children. Not as hard as watching their mother on 90210 reruns, but still pretty hard Politics: Israel plans to take concrete steps with the Palestinians. They'll also take Palestinian concrete walkways, concrete walls, and concrete foundations "Little Obama" movie opens in Indonesia. Looks promising at first, but then turns out to be disappointing and you end up paying $127.50 to exit the theater John McCain announces his intent to vote against the Kagan confirmation, ensuring his aging body remains mercifully free from the ravages of integrity Music: Pet Shop Boys put next album aside to score a ballet. What have we done to deserve this? Dave Mustaine releasing autobiography next month. It's uncertain whether or not Metallica will include a few chapters of Dave's book in theirs Lady Gaga influenced Usher's latest release. In an unrelated story, there's still no confirmation on whether Usher has a penis Business: In a move sure to stirrup trouble, Roy Rogers' debt saddled heirs rein in their sentiment, and auction Trigger despite protests of neigh-sayers French company to launch new "torture tours" in which tourists pay to be tied up and imprisoned in a small box for up to ten hours at a time. Continental Airlines to sue for trademark infringement McDonald's to food nannies: No, we're not getting rid of Happy Meals, you publicity-seeking nags. So bite our hairy purple Grimace
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The "wisdom of crowds" is the most ridiculous statement I've heard in my life. Yeah I said it. Crowds are not wise. There is wisdom in crowds but you have to search to find it. If you ask an obscure question to a million people, odds are at least one person knows the answer to it. This however does not make the crowd wise. Crowds don't make decisions very well. Try asking 10 friends where they want to go to dinner, see how long it takes to reach a decision. Eventually someone just decides and everyone goes. That's how social media works too. The decisions crowds make aren't necessarily right. Just because everyone wants something doesn't mean it's a good idea. Such as the crusades, slavery, the holocaust, and Everybody Loves Raymond. Digg has a porn filter. Why? Because they needed it. Consider the ramifications that one fact has for crowdsourced news. My local newspaper website tells me what the most popular stories of the day are but they might as well just replace that with every article they write about Kentucky Basketball because it's the same list of stories. One day UK Coach John Calipari cut down a tree in his front yard, it became the most popular article on their website. Does that mean it's also the most important? Absolutely not. Crowds don't generally participate. Maybe 5% percent of everyone posts content online, the other 95% of us read it. For some damn reason or other there's this lingering idea out there that the Internet is somehow fostering a global utopian democracy where everyone participates, no one is left out, and the right decision is always reached through reasoned debate and consensus. Seriously? The real question should be why no one else is calling bullshiat on this. Fark isn't legacy media and we don't have shareholders. So I can say it. I don't have venture capitalists who can tell me to stop. I've said it before too, and whenever I say it to a room full of journalists I get smiles and nodding heads. They all know it. It's probably the worst kept secret on the Internet. The real power in social media happens when that one person in a million comes up with an awesome idea, and those who can do so kick it to the front of the line. Speeding up this process is the next great advance in social media. Some will probably call this Web 3.0. I call it editing. To read the article based on the Poynter discussion, click here
To read the thoughtful and measured Fark response, click hereHeadlines Of The Week for Sun 2010-06-27 to Sat 2010-07-03: O N E D E A D A F T E R B A N N E R P L Α N E C R A S H E S I N S A L T L A K E C I T Y Huge wildfire spreads in northern Manitoba, grows by 20,000 acres overnight. Resident worried Not news: Hottie gets to pick her own 19th birthday present from parents. Fark: She chooses botox treatments. TotalFark: Parents get them for her. Now 27, she still looks surprised at their answer Jenna Bush's "Today Show" segment about her visit to Yellowstone proves that the apple doesn't fall far from the whatever it is that apples come from Pregnant drinking "affects sperm." Well then, spit it out Buddhist monk films naked woman bathing in holy water. Temple tantrum ensues Toronto police say they attacked a G20 crowd singing the national anthem because of the Maple Leafs; once you hear "O Canada", you know the locals are about to get beaten US officials say they were tipped off to the Russian "sleeper" agents after learning that hot women had been spotted at parties appearing actually interested in talking to scientists and engineers about their jobs A computer program has deciphered a dead language that has mystified even the most cunning linguists for years. "Be sure to drink your Ovaltine." Ovaltine? A crummy commercial? Son of a biatch Fox News asks: Is libraries necessary, or are them a waste of money our? Woman killed after portable toilet crashes through her windshield. Bet she never saw that shiat coming Sports:  Golfer finishes 612 holes in 16 hours. No, it's not Tiger Today's Fark-ready headline brought to you by MLB: "Fister set to make return to mound" FIFA to consider instant replay, other technologies to improve game. By "other technologies" we can only assume they mean some device that puts helmets on players, allows tackling and converts ball into a sort of lozenge-shaped object Geek: Shopping could make men impotent, claim scientists who've obviously been forced to sit outside fitting rooms holding a purse "Virginity test" helps free three in rape cases. In other news, TotalFark subscriptions are now admissible in court I like small feet and I cannot lie, you other human behavior researchers can't deny Showbiz: The divorce of Jesse James by the coward Sandra Bullock is finalized Madame Tussauds to unveil Kim Kardashian wax figure. They had to melt down two Marx Brothers and Jonathan Winters to make her ass, but they figure it's worth it Back to the Future is 25 years old today. Michael J Fox, Lea Thompson steal a Delorean, Parkinson's garage Politics: Robert Byrd will be respected in death the same way he lived his life, lying in the Senate In the last week, the GOP has screwed the unemployed, protected bankers, trashed Thurgood Marshall, suggested rape is part of God's plan, defended BP, screwed unemployed veterans, and threatened to stiff 20 million Americans. The Aristocrats Schwarzenegger not too keen on the idea of digital license plates being driven before him Music: 41 years later, Jake Holmes takes Led Zeppelin to court for ripping off his version of "Dazed And Confused." Willie Dixon, Sonny Boy Williamson II, Spirit, Bobby Parker and Howlin' Wolf want to know where the line forms Beta Band's Steve Mason angry at Damon Albarn for "dominating" Glastonbury's main stage two years in a row, with Blur and Gorillaz. Mason would've said more, but shift manager was upset at the length of the drive-thru line XTC to re-release 1986's "Skylarking" on double vinyl because Andy Partridge says they reversed the sound polarity on the first record. Dear God Business: When capitalism meets cannabis, or: how I learned to stop worrying and love the bong Swatch creator dies. Family will spread his remains in a series of cheap plastic urns which they can switch around depending on their mood Company denies liability for defective railroad ties on grounds of "unreasonable misuse." Apparently they were left outside in bad weather and heavy trains rolled over them
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From Unfreakable: No update from Drew this week, so enjoy some of the favorite headlines from last week. We're nearly halfway through 2010, so if you'll have nominees for Headline of the Year, make sure you're adding them to your favorites so you remember them when I put up a nomination thread later. Anything in these Headline of the Week threads are automatically nominated, but occasionally a good thread is overlooked. Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2010-06-20 to Sat 2010-06-26: Researchers observe chimpanzees waging war, point to chimp-led conflicts like the Battle of the Big Tree, the Battle of the Other Big Tree, and the Iraq war Agitated toddler rescued after being trapped in a washing machine The Vatican claims that a new film exploring the mystery of the 'pregnant pope' is just a papal smear Mail deliveries being interrupted due to terrifying seagulls. Subby suggests throwing rocks at them; leave no tern unstoned Band teacher in San Bernardino arrested for plucking a few g-strings 100 KG Canadian gold coin with a face value of $1M sells at auction for 3.27 million Euros, just beating out Cash4Gold's offer of $150 Cheney complains of "discomfort", is hospitalized with possible development of conscience Customers want money back from bankrupt furniture store, say they're sofa king screwed  Florida Radio Shack robbed of $35,000 worth of items. Cops surprised there's such a big market for VCRs, cassette tapes and rotary phones If you send a photo of your testicular tumor to a female employee there's a good chance you'll be told to cease and de-cyst Wet weather in Toronto forces peaceful G20 demonstrators to burn police vehicles for warmth Sports:  USA defeats FIFA, 1-0 This year's World Cup is shaping up like WW2. France gave up early, the Yanks arrived late, and England is left to fight the Germans Team USA is a Ghana Geek: A $100 million supercomputer is being built in Wyoming to study climate change, air quality, severe weather, space weather and to beat Matthew Broderick in chess 7th-graders discover mysterious cave on Mars. In related news, NASA scientists close to fixing vending machine in the lunch room Brand new iPhone 4 users already reporting reception problems. Engineers say the problem might be caused by the antenna's connection to the AT&T network Showbiz: Jersey Shore cast member to release rap album, book on Kierkegaard's critiques on Hegel and its impact on the postmodern literature movement of the 1970s, specifically the works of Donald Barthleme and Thomas Pynchon Glee creator attempted to prohibit cast members from having sex in their trailers. Presumably by pairing them up boy/girl Headline: "Twilight Sequel Aims for a New Audience: Guys". Wait that's a typo, right? Politics: Lincoln forces split between Democrats. No, this is not a repeat from 1860 BP's favorable rating currently at 6%, narrowly beating Saddam Hussein and Fidel Castro, but still lower than O.J. Simpson and an oozing hemorrhoid Michael Moriarty claims that Ivy League lawyers Chicago Way final solution omelette thugs Hitler euthanasia diabolical Red Chinese neo-Soviet infanticide alcoholic FartBongo clap your hands 682119frhgr56 Music: Lady Gaga is gun-toting and half naked on Rolling Stone. Oh my, she is so shocking and original and we're so not sick of her obvious schtick yet Multiple overdoses scared Eminem straight. Better luck next time, drugs It's been ages since we've heard a good Ozzy Osbourne album, and his tenth release sadly doesn't buck that trend Business: Farking magnates, now they can't work Things airlines cut to save money. Peanuts? Check. Drinks? Check. Baggage allowance? Check. Fuel? Check. Wait? What?? Europe requires selling food by weight. Subby needs 4.3 eggs, 12.4 slices of bread, 25.7 cans of beer
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Some random quick notes: So it appears that someone in Pixar managed to slip a Fark mention into Toy Story 3. I know some folks over there, so I asked them to make sure it wasn't just an accident. Their answer was that they can't officially confirm it. So I'll take that as a yes. Thanks for that guys. I was able to point it out to Storm and Chance when we saw the movie yesterday. Actually Storm caught it first, he's quite the reading machine these days. I plan to start teaching him server administration next summer. The East Bay Fark Party this saturday was a blast, fun was had by all. Luckily my phone was confiscated by Joe Peacock before I could tweet/FB out too many ALL CAPS messages to everyone. Also in case you were wondering, it's a lot harder for me to mess with Fark's configuration via phone, so don't expect a lot of iPhone-fueled drunken rampages in the near future or anything. I'm planning on watching the US World Cup game somewhere in Lexington on Wednesday, but I'm still not 100% sure right now where I'll be going. I only recently discovered the amazing burgers at Two Keys so that's one possibility, however they don't open til 11am. That being said I watched Mexico vs South Africa in there two weeks ago and the bartender said come back anytime. If anyone wants to join please drop me an email ( drew![[nospam-﹫-backwards]](https://farkimg.sfo2.cdn.digitaloceanspaces.com/images/test/c64.png "[nospam-﹫-backwards]") kraf com). Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2010-06-13 to Sat 2010-06-19: Nearly 5,000 pounds of marijuana mixed with broccoli seized at Texas border. Agents ordered the noxious plant destroyed, while the pot was kept as evidence Nearly 1,000 polaroids that Ansel Adams took of Yosemite to be auctioned off at Sotheby's now that they've finally developed Mummified remains of man found in chimney. Cause of death not determined, investigators expect to rule out flue Authorities seek help identifying drowning man. Well duh, he's the one bobbing in the water and waving his hands Two weeks ago: Thomas Kinkade, "Painter of Light." Last week: Thomas Kinkade, "Filer of Bankruptcy." Today: Thomas Kinkade, "Driver of Drunk" Ryan Seacrest's stalker sentenced to two years in prison and a lifetime of questionable taste 12 arrested after blocking traffic in immigration protest, still able to build patio deck and retaining wall before being taken away Former British official describes the French language as "useless." De Gaulle of some people Sofa king dead Pot smoking can worsen schizophrenia, but it beats smoking alone A former member of the KKK is playing a key role in restoring the Gulf. Vows to have the beaches white again in no time Sports: North Korea beats Brazil 2-1 on the amazing play of Kim Jong-Il, who had three goals, hit a grand slam, rushed for 190 yards and three touchdowns, and threw a perfect game Mexico beats France in an upset. This is not a repeat from 1862 United States ties Slovenia 3-2 Geek: Report states that 61% of kids have had negative online experiences that left them upset, angry or afraid. Recommends that they should stay out of Fark political threads New Civilization V screenshots show battle scenes and some of the units that will fight them. It does not show; however, when ten archers defeat a tank and Subby has to go outside and have a smoke in order not to destroy his computer British health advisor recommends giving twenty five year olds sex education, but class sizes should be no bigger than that Showbiz: Paris Hilton bonds with Jersey Shore's Snooki during MTV Movie Awards after an intense debate over the relationship between light and color in Baroque-era oil paintings, specifically in Caravaggio's The Raising of Lazarus Calista Flockhart: "I do." Harrison Ford: "I know" Psychic cancels gig due to 'unforeseen circumstances'. This is not a repeat from next week Politics: Michelle Bachman thinks that Obama's escrow acount plan is socialist because it redistributes wealth. From the people who destroyed people's livlihoods to those who were damaged, but still If you want to throw some of your money away, you can now buy the Al Franken comic book. Or you can vote for him again in five years, and he'll throw it away for you Radical cleric calls for the creation of an Islamic United States, not realizing that it already happened in November 2008 Music: Bachman-Turner Underage Noel Gallagher is trying his hand at gardening flowers, fruits, and vegetables, giving him a new chance to overproduce Ke$ha gives people "dog shiat" as presents. So...copies of her album, then? Business: The number of American millionaires increased 15% in 2009, and they now control 55.2% of the nation's wealth. In other news, bread trading halted; cake futures down; pitchfork, torch, and rope contracts rising sharply BP's Chairman says he's extremely sorry about his use of the term "small people" and would like to sincerely apologize to any plebians or peasants that were offended by it Goldman Sachs office infested with blood-sucking parasites. It also has bed bugs
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Most of you know I play soccer 3-4 times a week. I've played since I was six and I really love the game. However I'm not as big a fan of watching it. No idea why but it never caught on for me. That being said though, you haven't lived until you've seen a live premier league match in England. Even if you're not a soccer fan you'll love it. It's similar to how going to baseball games in person is a lot more fun than watching on TV, except better because there is some serious crowd energy at live soccer matches. Most people generally don't pay a lot of attention to soccer either but they're at least trying to watch some of the games. And they all have pretty much the same reaction: what the hell is that goddamn noise? If you've watched even one of the televised World Cup games, you've probably been annoyed by the droning hum of the vuvuzelas. Turns out that African nations love to blow the traditional meter-long horns at soccer matches - incessantly. Why? Probably alcohol related. At any rate, even people in soccer-loving countries are complaining about them. FIFA looked into banning them, but they decided not to do it because they didn't want to be seen as culturally insensitive. Which is an odd decision in my opinion, I don't think I'd ever choose cultural sensitivity over RUINING THE SPORT FOR THE REST OF THE FREAKIN' PLANET. But apparently FIFA is run by a bunch of pansies and loud culturally-related hornblowing has won the day. I'm hoping in the future they'll honor my cultural tradition of sitting in the front row at any game I attend, otherwise I'll be deeply offended. I was doing some research on how this bullshiat cultural phenomenon came about and I ran across this interesting article from 2009: The Tiny Plastic Horn That Will Ruin The World Cup. Deadspin tried to warn us, folks. So for those of you new to soccer who still choose to watch the World Cup, do what I do and turn the volume off. You're not missing any interesting commentary anyhow. Now if they can just get rid of pointless ultra-slow motion clips between plays we could get back to complaining about the grass-diving and knee-grabbing. Speaking of which, a friend of mine asked which sport has more dives in an attempt to get fouls called, basketball or soccer? I think it's a tossup. Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2010-06-06 to Sat 2010-06-12: Four charged in auto parts theft. Reportedly building a '49, '50, '51, '52, '53, '54, '55, '56, '57, '58, '59 automobile Nude snorkelers try to set world record for the most fish scared away Congratulations to Rush Limbaugh for protecting the sanctity of marriage for the fourth time Australian cafe creates record sized burger. Or, as Americans call it, a "medium" One in three kids have viewed porn online by the age of ten. The other two still resort to finding it at the back of dad's wardrobe Study shows that children of two-lesbian families have fewer behavioral problems, more Indigo Girls CDs Galileo's middle finger goes in display in Italian museum. Curators oriented it so that it's facing the Vatican, for old time's sake After four years, Army finally agrees to pay soldier for leg lost in Iraq. Soldier stumped as to why it took so long Young men more vulnerable to relationship ups and downs than women, according to the Institute for Guys Who Had Their Hearts Torn From Their Chests By Soul-Crushing Succubi Sims arrested for murdering stepson, presumably by building a pool with no ladder which stepson could not get out of A 'mystery woman' has put forth another claim to Gary Coleman's estate. Sadly, the estate consists of a savings account of $4.67, an autographed photo of Gordon Jump and a '73 Ford Pinto Sports: MLB Hall Of Fame to get first base, a ball, and Armando Galarraga's spikes from his near-perfect game. MLB said they hadn't seen something that poorly blown since Paris Hilton's sex tape Did Pete Rose use a corked bat while chasing the all-time hits record? You bet United States defeat England 1-1 Geek: Tattoo may help track blood sugar, da plane Study shows that gay men are skinnier than straight men, and lesbians are plumper than straight women. And Subaru has a car to fit them all Good: Calvin Klein cologne can be used to attract cougars. Bad: And jaguars Showbiz: Wheel of Fortune hostess dies of intestine rupture. If only she'd bought a bowel Kim Kardashian reportedly replacing Angelina Jolie as Lara Croft. Croft now expected to just lay there during action sequences Jennifer Aniston is on the Cox diet, but it unclear how much she swallows Politics: Iranian president says sanctions are "like a used hankerchief". He should know, he's been jerking the U.N. off for the last four years Obama refuses to meet with the men who were killed during the Deepwater Explorer explosion Gov. Crist vetoes bill which would require a woman to view an ultrasound, paint nursery prior to abortion Music: 17 arrested at Dave Matthews Band concert. That's a start Canadians are suing Ehrosmith after the band cancelled several shows Lead singer for Katrina & The Waves was considering suicide at the time Walkin' on Sunshine became a big hit. Not that you can blame her Business: "Blackwater" is back, after "Xe Services" proved to be inert Uncle Ben calms currency markets, fondled you at family reunions Parents in uproar over sugary chocolate formula being marketed for kids. They're going to blog their protests as soon as they get the kids settled in front of the TV for the evening
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So as we all know, last week Israel intercepted a flotilla carrying relief supplies to the Gaza strip. Hilarity ensued, in the form of a few additional developments that you may or may not have noticed. I did, because that's pretty much what I do -- read stuff all day. - Israel says their commandos were sent in with assault rifles loaded with paintball rounds (and sidearms with live ammo). Uh, sure they were. Nothing sounds safer for commandos than arming them with paintball rounds, parachuting them onto boats in the middle of the night surrounded by 700+ people who don't want to be raided. Never mind the fact that none of the folks on the boat had paintball blasts on them. - Israel also says they'll use more force next time. Okay, THIS I believe. - Iran (crazy) has decided to up the ante by offering to send naval escorts for future "relief shipments". The best part about this tho is that both Hamas (crazy) and Hezbollah (crazy) have independently said that's the dumbest thing they've ever heard. Thanks to Stratfor for most of the above info, check em out if you haven't already. Also, unrelated but just as much fun is this piece in Salon arguing that a press corps that attends watergun fights and pool parties with high-ranking Obama Administration officials probably can't do as good a job of holding them accountable. Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2010-05-30 to Sat 2010-06-05: Al Gore concedes erection Man with .32 BAC charged with DUI, improper use of children as hood ornaments Serbian artist sets new record for the longest time spent sitting down and doing nothing, narrowly beating the previous time recorded by a member of the Teamsters Anti-Semitic: Flipping off a bus full of Hasidic Jews on the Garden State Parkway. Anti-gravity Semitic: Bus full of Hasidic Jews flipping off the Garden State Parkway Gulf coast fishermen stage protest with boats, are promptly raided by Israeli commandos Parents not really happy that McDonald's offered free Cd with purchase of Shrek glasses Woman has son kill cow over beef with neighbor. US DA willing to cut choice deal in return for testimony and udder considerations Dogs could be used to detect prostate cancer, but first scientists have to do something about the cold nose Off-duty Chicago cop who was caught on video downing five shots before getting into his car and killing two people has all charges dropped, walks away scotch-free Dyslexic student wins poetry competition. Your god wants Keats A Delta Airlines flight attendant was arrested when she checked in her 9mm Glock with her carry-on bag. There was no explanation for her carrying the gun, except for the fact that she was flying to Atlanta Sports: Ben Roethlisberger excited for new "chapter." Hopefully, he isn't currently reading Lolita Cavaliers GM resigns LeBron. Except without that last word in the sentence Tightness frustrates Fister Geek: Throat exercises can relieve sleep apnea, your boyfriend Don't worry kids, Digg is just being sent to a farm where he can run around and play with all his friends like MySpace, Friendster, and Geocities Scientists say that initial testing confirms that new spray successfully prevents premature ejacul--DAMMIT Showbiz: Matthew Broderick and Sarah Jessica Parker had a quiet tenth anniversary, capped off with the obligatory roll in the hay Geordi Laforge attempts to reconfigure the power transfer tunnel while transferring magnetic plasma to warp field generators in vain attempt to outrun the IRS Fran Drescher says her ex-husband was gay. I also think it's safe to say he was also deaf Politics: The worst politcal campaigns of 2010, or as you may know it: The Martha Coakley Award Nancy Pelosi says her public policy is guided by "The Word." No word on whether she means the F-word, the N-word or the L-word After rejecting ship names such as "Trolling the World", "Stabbing for Gaza", and "The Pure and Wholesome Peace Bridage", the next activist ship will bear the name "Rachel Corrie" Music: Joe Walsh applies for a restraining order against an elderly man who tried to kill him. Probably Don Henley What Billy Corgan is calling the Smashing Pumpkins these days is set to play a string of "intimate club" dates. So, if you've ever wanted to become intimate with a pale, bald, Splice-like creature, now's your chance Canadian rock star Avril Lavigne has a perfume. It smells like donuts and Deryck Whibley before a shower Business: Canadian economy growing at best rate in 10 years, which would be more impressive if the entire economy weren't based on hockey ticket sales Radio Shack is up for auction, which is great news for anyone needing zip codes of people dumb enough to buy batteries at Radio Shack Stocks rebound on good news about home sales and the rumor that a trader found a twenty-dollar bill in the bathroom
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