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Questions for TFers regarding a TF membership drive next week, would like input on how to best go about it without screwing things up -Drew
Posted by Drew at 2011-01-20 5:00:21 PM (764 comments) | Permalink

We've had doing a TotalFark membership drive on our todo list for awhile now.

Recent events have caused me to change how I look at forward finances for 2011. I am pretty much assuming that we're going to need to get revenues up higher - much higher - to get through this year.

So on that note, it would really help if there was a significant uptick in TF subscriptions in the near future. Which means membership drive, our first in over five years.

Before doing that though, I wanted to talk to you first to get your opinions on things. TF is your community, you invited each other to be a part of it. I don't want to be the asshole that throws what TF is to the wind and ruin what it currently is. So I'm dropping you a line to ask your opinions, particularly:

- What's the best way to go about this to ease transitions for everyone?

- What should we not do under any circumstances?

- What are some selling points of TF? I know what I think they are but I know you guys probably have a better idea than I do. Odds are some of the best parts of TF are personal and would likely require testimonials of some kind to be remotely believable.

- As for how TF could be better, please email me those suggestions if you could so we don't muddy the discussion of how to handle a membership drive. FWIW I'm already well-versed in the TFD vs parody thread stuff, we're working on a solution there to make everyone happy (we'll give a heads up on it once we come up with one, next week or the week after hopefully)

Fire away folks, I'm looking forward to your thoughts

- Drew
· · ·

A very brief note on the patent lawsuit, and then Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 1/9 - 1/15
Posted by Drew at 2011-01-18 3:25:33 PM (182 comments) | Permalink

Sup everybody, I don't have much to add to the Headline of the Week writeup this week. I've got my head down in this patent lawsuit thing that you probably already heard about. I'll have more for you on that soon, but in the meantime we're gearing up for a horrifically expensive legal fight.

We're hoping it won't go that way, but others who have been in similar situations have spent a lot of time (i.e. years) and a metric assload of money proving their innocence. I'll tell you more about it later.

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2011-01-09 to Sat 2011-01-15:  Smoking could disappear by 2050. Unlikely tag laughs and coughs up some brown phlegm  Bank building badly damaged on 9/11 is finally scheduled to come down. Truthers to be watching carefully for signs of controlled demolition  Lizzie Borden museum gets the ax  To battle contraband cellphones, state prisons may start jamming them, which, ironically, is how they usually come into a prisoner's possesion to begin with  Scientists using ginger to attract endangered stags. Proving once and for all that she is hotter than Mary Ann  Do not cure sides of beef by stringing them from your roof; the steaks are just too high  Accountant's blood alcohol was more than five times the legal limit when he parked in the middle of the highway to sleep. Guess he couldn't handle his ten fortys  Moose attacks skier and dog. Squirrel accomplice in custody, considered flight risk  Proof the town just ain't what it used to be: Vegas showgirl found dismembered and encased in concrete turns out to have nothing to do with the mob, instead was whacked by one of the fruity French clown guys from Cirque du Soliel  Massive quake hits South Pacific. Oklahoma OK  Wikipedia is ten years old [celebration needed]

Sports:  Dead bird epidemic continues: 53 eagles found dead on a field in Philadelphia  Favre to bail his sister out of jail. *UPDATE* Favre to let her sit in jail. *UPDATE 2* Favre to bail her out. *UPDATE* Maybe  Cam Newton to take pay cut by declaring for the NFL draft

Geek:  How to make snow ice cream. Hmmmmm, this makes no mention of how to get it in a stunning yellow hue like my older brother used to make  Nobel prize winning scientist claims to have proof that DNA can transport itself across short distances, although it reaches further if you have a quick rest between experiments  How PhDs talk: Reverse Dispersal Translocation obviates need for lethal option. Human translation: If we plant bushes the prairie dogs will stay away and we won't have to poison them

Showbiz:  Matt Damon vows to do his own Bourne movie. Look for Still Bourne some time in 2013  "Taylor Swift is the new Jennifer Aniston." Wow... that was unnecessarily harsh  The Trump gods are displeased by your lack of viewership of civilian Apprentice, and have cast their plagues upon you. YOU SHALL NOW SUFFER GARY BUSEY, MEAT LOAF AND A REAL HOUSEWIFE

Politics:  Manufacturers ask GOP Chair of the House Oversight Committee to eliminate regulation of toxic dumping, worker health, and air pollution. Chair asks if he can get them a cappucino while he's up  Obama pleads for civility, deletion of Politics tab, in message of healing  Openly gay man marries straight woman for art project. In subby's day, you just rubbed your genitals in paint, ejaculated on a canvas, and called it a day

Music:  Lady Gaga teams up with Polaroid. More on this story as it develops  What's-her-name doesn't want you to forget her  Tom Waits says all proceeds from his poetry book will go towards eliminating the homeless problem. Probably because he's tired of people mistaking him for one of them

Business:  Best Buy is expanding their buy back program to buy back your old stuff but you have to buy into the buy back program when you first buy the stuff at Best Buy. Well.. bye  British banker's monocle falls out as he insists his $14 million bonus this year is an act of self-restraint  Fiat's Turin plant workers approve new union contract, the details of which are shrouded in secrecy
· · ·

Drew is currently unavailable for comment from the Bering Sea, but here are some of Fark's favorite headlines from 1/2 - 1/8
Posted by Drew at 2011-01-11 12:57:57 PM (24 comments) | Permalink

From Unfreakable:

No posting from Drew this week; his last update was from the Satellite Office on the F/V Time Bandit and he was in full caps-lock mode in Dutch Harbor less than 12 hours ago. So I'm just gonna presume that Drew's last terrifying brush with sobriety was a while ago.

While we wait for that story to emerge, here are a few of Fark's favorite headlines from last week. Carrion.

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2011-01-02 to Sat 2011-01-08:  Car hits pig, knocking out a headlight. Pig is said to be re..reco..recov..recover... He's fine  Cambodian wedding held for two snakes. Ceremony almost cancelled when one wanted his diamondback  Saudi Arabian officials have reportedly arrested a vulture suspected of being a Mossad spy. Nothing to see here, carrion  Nude burglar claims he was tripping on acid, thought he was God. Police are Leary  Long Island food bank to hand out Snuggies to the homeless in exchange for dignity  England and Scotland brace themselves for four inches, as their womenfolk have been doing for years  Valet's life saved when bullet strikes the cell phone in his shirt pocket. Valet downplayed the situation, as the impact was still less painful than dealing with AT&T  Man keeps dead dad in closet for five years. Family considers pressing suit  Friends say Omaha school gunman was fun, outgoing, aimed high  British terror alert status upgraded to "What's all this, then?"  A Maine woman arrested for stabbing her husband in the back did it because, "I can't stand him and he drives me nuts." Bangor Daily? I bet he wishes he didn't

Sports:  Three Chicago Bears go to a local grocery store to bag groceries for lucky fans. Jay Cutler didn't go since he already gets sacked enough  Seattle stuns New Orleans, are now one win away from .500  Rex Ryan has a new favorite right foot

Geek:  New study says elderly adults with tooth loss more likely to get dementia, Alzheimer's, jobs at WalMart  New dual telescope view of Andromeda galaxy shows birth and death of stars. Not sure if Sirius  Hidden literary references discovered in the Mona Lisa. Nobody says ANYTHING about this to Dan Brown, do you understand?

Showbiz:  Lindsay Lohan: "Everyone is out to get me." I think we can rule casting directors out of this statement, Lindsay  Bono and The Edge to start attending all performances of Spider-Man musical, because it's not officially a disaster area until Bono goes there  History Channel decides not to air 'The Kennedys' miniseries, saying "It's not a fit for the History brand. But stay tunned for another episode of Ice Road Truckers"

Politics:  White House press secretary is stepping down. Will now earn money not answering questions in the private sector  Roseanne Barr and Ted Nugent spar on Anderson Cooper's show. This is like watching a couple of mentally handicapped kids fight each other in the ball pit at Chuck-E-Cheese  Ted Haggard to star in new reality special, which will probably be something like "Breaking Bad" meets "Boy Meets Boy"

Music:  Toni Braxton might unwear her dress for Playboy  Illness forced to respect Aretha Franklin  If you've ever thought "man, I'd give my right arm to drum in a Def Leppard tribute band", opportunity is knocking (with one hand)

Business:  Next generation of Intel chips will refuse to copy movies, open pod bay doors  Lawsuit against Netflix and Walmart accuses the two companies of conspiring to run Blockbuster out of business. Pfft. As if Blockbuster can't do that by themselves  FHM creates sexy "stealth" ad that can only be seen from a low angle. So instead of asking you why you're watching smut at work, your boss will ask you why you're crouching behind your desk with a boner
· · ·

Congratulations to the winners of Fark's 2010 Headline of the Year contest
Posted by Drew at 2011-01-04 3:04:05 PM (110 comments) | Permalink

Below are the winners and runners-up for Fark's Headline of the Year contest for 2010. We put this together a few years ago to give special recognition to the funny submitters that have given us all so many laughs over the course of the year, and also as a way to recap some of our favorites.

Although there are a lot of funny headlines here, there are a lot more that were great but ultimately didn't get enough votes to win this contest. Below are the results of the Headline of the Year contest based on your votes.

HEADLINE OF THE YEAR: Coup succeeds in detaining Niger president, exciting teabaggers who misread the headline
(submitter: crimsin23 )

Runner-up: Baby Jesus stolen from church nativity. Maybe they should try nailing him down
(submitter: Sybarite )

SPORTS HEADLINE OF THE YEAR: Golfer Melissa Reid bitten by snake between holes. Sounds like she should have tightened up her stance a little
(submitter: ElusiveWookiee )

Runner-up: Sports radio host compares Tim Tebow to a Nazi, which is ridiculous considering the Nazis had a devastating air attack
(submitter: MisterLoki )

GEEK HEADLINE OF THE YEAR: Turns out the US Army has a Twitter feed. The French army has one too, but they only use it to retweet
(submitter: Masterdog )

Runner-up: For only $34,000 you can buy a video game that teaches your child abstinence, or you could just spend 50 bucks, buy them World of Warcraft and let nature take its course
(submitter: mitchcumstein1 )

SHOWBIZ HEADLINE OF THE YEAR: Michael J Fox says Parkinson's improved his life, speed at which his Polaroids develop
(submitter: danduran )

Runner-up: Katy Perry in bikini and now that all the straight men have already clicked the link, we can communicate freely; the revolution starts tonight. Leave no survivors. Triumph will finally be ours over the straight males
(submitter: Jonathan Hohensee )

POLITICS HEADLINE OF THE YEAR: Senate panel approves bill banning the word "retarded" from federal laws, opting for more politically correct "Palin-American"
(submitter: krelborne )

Runner-up: The small print: tampons fall under taxable items with ObamaCare. Republicans warned you there'd be strings attached
(submitter: FlyingJ )

MUSIC HEADLINE OF THE YEAR: Jim Morrison to be pardoned today. Come on baby right my prior
(submitter: queenalice )

Runner-up: Fans of Kanye West joining together to demand that he perform in Helsinki. Imma let you Finnish
(submitter: Dr.Fey )

BUSINESS HEADLINE OF THE YEAR: Euro touches 11-month bottom, has a seat right over there

(submitter: NewportBarGuy )

Runner-up: Former CEO of Bank of America charged with fraud, $39 overdraft fee, $10 notification fee, $25 low balance fee, and $7 loss fee
(submitter: andrew131 )

(submitter: Toshiro Mifune's Letter Opener )

(submitter: thebigwhitewolf )

WORDPLAY/PUN HEADLINE OF THE YEAR: Cops arrest driver who threw potato at a pedestrian who did not have her eyes peeled. Story to the left, common taters to the right
(submitter: ozone )

Runner-up: Police suspect flees biting dog
(submitter: shopball )

Congratulations and kudos to the winners!

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2010-12-26 to Sat 2011-01-01:  15,000 lose power in Connecticut. More like Disconnecticut, AMIRITE?  Tattoo parlor fire-bombed. First responders report several people horribly disfigured, but say no one was actually hurt  Nearly 70 dead bats found in Arizona. Isn't it a little early for spring training news about the Cubs?  Authorities say European anarchists are much more sophisticated and better organized these days, while seemingly still unaware of the irony of this development  Earthquake hits Central Indiana. Hundreds of thousands of acres reported to be flattened, desolate, uninhabitable wasteland. Oh wait...nevermind  All 100 cars in pileup in North Dakota  Man strips to his underwear at airport checkpoint in protest of TSA searches. TSA appreciates the effort, calls him an 'early adopter'  Gun battle today between homeowner and unlicensed invasive extrajudicial wealth redistributor  Baby, if you've ever wondered, wondered whatever became of me, I'm flying through the air in Cincinnati, Cincinnati W-I-N-D  Ancient fortress in Tel Aviv home to ancient lesbian urn. What's an ancient lesbian urn? About three drachmas an hour  Fire closes water ride at Universal Studios. What on earth will wind up being the cause?

Sports:  TSA to ban Jay Cutler for his apparent ease at taking down Jets  Brett Favre fined $12,500 per inch  Metrodome out of commission until March, then will take several agonizing months deciding whether or not to retire

Geek:  New study claims drinking water can help you lose weight. Best results noted if you're on vacation in Mexico  Neanderthals cooked their vegetables "just like humans." Where they got microwaves from is anyone's guess  Under certain circumstances, Jell-O hooked up to an electroencephalograph can display readings similar to human brain. Which explains the Politics tab

Showbiz:  Miley Cyrus wants to turn over new leaf in 2011. How long until she smokes that new leaf, I have no idea  Five things to know about Kim Kardashian's new boyfriend Kris Humphries, while he tries to figure out why his side of the bed was already warm  "Full House" star Candace Cameron Bure suffered from bulimia, was urged by Dave Coulier to CUT (✂) IT (☞) OUT (☜)  

Politics:  Congress to open next session with reading of Constitution. Please don't tell them how it ends. They've gone out of their way not to hear anything about it yet  Boston may replace convicted city councilor Chuck "blame the Irish" Turner with son of convicted state senator Dianne "bra-stuffer" Wilkerson. His four arrests give him an early lead  "Anderson Cooper 360" apparently refers to the number of people watching his show

Music:  Teena Marie, Motown's first white act, dead at 54. Best known for somehow surviving working with Rick James while only 19 years old  DMX admitted to jail's mental health unit. Y'ALL GONNA MAKE HIM LOSE HIS MIND UP IN THERE, UP IN THERE  Sebastian Bach to divorce his wife of 18 years, has life to go

Business:  The high-tech matchup that everyone has been waiting for-Sears and Roxio team up to offer on-line movies. Plans to develop new "virtual out-of-stock" technology  Hotel washes every coin they receive in an effort to stop some weirdo's ass-penny scheme  Borders approaches Chapter 11 in their choose your own adventure novel
· · ·

Wrapping up Headline of the Year voting for 2010 and an idea on how to make the contests better for 2011, as well as Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 12/19 - 12/25
Posted by Drew at 2010-12-29 1:06:02 PM (57 comments) | Permalink

Hey everybody, we're down to the end of the Headline of the Year contest. The Headline of the Year contest for Main went live last week, and all of the Headline of the Year contests for the subtabs are now live for the Sports, Geek, Showbiz, Politics, Music, and Business subtabs. We also are doing the first-ever contest for Context Headline of the Year, which is for headlines that are great in conjunction with the linked article.

We're also working on the usual end-of-year threads, and will be pushing those out today for weirdest linked story the year, biggest dumbass, parents of the year, and the puns/wordplay contest as well.

One thing that we discussed was taking this off the strict calendar-year basis that we have it on right now. We could make November 30 the cutoff date, and include this year's December in next year's consideration. It wouldn't be a purely calendar-year competition anymore, but it would let us get the contests out a little sooner for you, and it would also give December submitters a fair shake, since the headlines below didn't get included in Headline of the Year consideration. Tell us what you think.

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2010-12-19 to Sat 2010-12-25:  Special victims unit detective accused of putting his special unit in victim  Man stabbed in Woolloongabba. I'm not familiar with these hoity-toity medical terms  Al Qaeda mulled the idea of poisoning US salad bars. Luckily for us, Americans don't eat salad  Man caught hiding in pharmacy ceiling charged with burglary, disturbing sanctuary of the Divine Feline Observer of Your Self-Stimulation  Moms who take iron supplements more likely to have kids who attend magnet schools  The average man experiences just under three hours of orgasms in his lifetime. That's shorter than "Titanic," but far less painful  Male/female shopping styles evolved from hunter/gatherers, can be seen at malls: females browse and forage, males want to kill someone  Honey is a good cure for hangovers, say scientists, but caution that her rates are high and she only accepts cash  Cops say that the factory worker who was trapped inside a canoe-making oven ignored the warning that you can't have your kayak and heat it too  Hog boss charged with hazards; will have to duke it out in court  Armed man at Mormon temple meets Saints sooner than Latter

Sports:  Pacquiao to fight Mosley May 7. It's the only way the Pac Man can get May weather in the ring  Drunk driver who killed pitcher sentenced to 51 years as catcher  Jamie Moyer plans to come back and pitch again. This is not a repeat from 1912

Geek:  China opens restaurant staffed by robots. Yes, the robots are designed to serve man  The next Mars rover will carry a laser. YOU HEAR THAT, MARTIANS?  Device creates fuel from sunlight. I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that World of Warcraft players didn't invent this

Showbiz:  Papyrus font expected to get a full workout as James Cameron prepares an "Avatar Bible"  Model Charles DeVoe dead; exact cause of death not yet determined, but authorities haven't ruled out poiiisooooon  'LOTR' star divorces for a fourth time. One does not simply walk into marriage

Politics:  Sarah Palin has flaws. Also, Drew, there's a bug that won't let me use the newsflash tag with this headline  "If Arnold Schwarzenegger can be governor, why can't George Lopez be the mayor of Los Angeles?" Because Arnold Schwarzenegger was good for a laugh, that's why  Senate ratifies nuke pact, delivering win to Obama, people who don't want to be vaporized

Music:  Lady Gaga hates Christmas. She's free to deck the halls with STFU  Justin Bieber to collaborate with Rascal Flatts. Apparently, the apocalypse has a twangy, whiny sound  50 Cent's Connecticut mansion burglarized. Police arrived on the scene to find a man drinking wine in one of the closets; confirm it was not R. Kelly

Business:  The woman who made James Bond drink Smirnoff and drive a BMW is dead at 49. This headline was submitted on my Apple computer, perched on my Eames desk, while I'm sitting in my Herman Miller Aeron chair  Online ad spending overtakes newspapers. That may be so, but do online ads feature the Jumbles? Do they?  TransUnion says the eight people left with good credit will be driving the majority of auto sales next year
· · ·

The last batch of Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 12/12 - 12/18, and an update on the 2010 Headline of the Year contest
Posted by Drew at 2010-12-21 3:59:33 PM (38 comments) | Permalink

From Unfreakable:

Wrapping up the end of the year Headline of the Year contest, the batch below will be the last ones included in the December nominations so that we're not still running the contest in January.

The voting is still active for Headline of the Year Quarterfinals - Round 3, and you can see the previous Headline of the Year threads for Round 1 and Round 2

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2010-12-12 to Sat 2010-12-18:  Sperm stem cells altered into insulin-producing cells to treat diabetes. Researchers say a cure for diabetes is about to come any moment now  JFK's secretary's handwritten list of possible assassination suspects now up for auction. Numerous bidders hoping to get a shot at it  Software engineer in custody after reformatting and partitioning his wife  Alaska sues over fish restriction. Clearly, freedom is an Aleutian  Italian doctors, nurses asked not to snort cocaine while on duty. Sheesh. Micromanage much?  Drunk woman spinning donuts in police parking lot fails to draw any attention; walks into station demanding to be arrested for DUI--thus marking the first time in human history that donuts have failed to bring cops running  19 Pakistani girls wedge themselves in a SmartCar, set world record for most mustaches in an automobile  Two million year-old mummified forest in Canada's Arctic could provide climate change clues, like how Zog and Ug's cap and trade CO2 emissions agreement reversed the global warming that had allowed a forest to grow in Canada's Arctic  Artwork made of dollar bills forming the word "Honesty" left unattended. Perhaps that wasn't the best policy  Mexican drone crashes in Texas neighborhood. Authorities suspect it was shot down by American drones concerned it would take their jobs  "US Foie Gras Industry Ducking Controversy." Maybe they can help goose the economy when they (puts on sunglasses) de-liver it. YEEEEAAAAHHH

Sports:  Chilean miners visit Man United, learn about living in dark environment where people go months without sunshine  "Is losing out on Lee a blessing for Yanks?" Well, not until Gettysburg  In death, Bob Feller still hit 92 on the gun

Geek:  Paleontologists discover complete 287 million year old dimetron fossil in Texas. That's nearly 6,000 years old in Texas School Board years  Quantum cryptography may or may not be secure, which makes sense when you think about it  Why some people have meltdowns during the holiday season and what HEY. YOU FINISH READING THIS HEADLINE BEFORE GOING TO THE NEXT ONE. I SAID FINISH IT

Showbiz:  Miley Cyrus used a bong. Doo Dah, doo dah. But she thinks she did no wrong. All the hookah day  "You're in GaGa" *shudder* Oh wait, that's "Year in GaGa". much better  "Steven Tyler is the New Paula Abdul." There's no interpretation of this phrase that DOESN'T put a chill up my spine

Politics:  Post Office to unveil new Ronald Reagan stamp, made with glue that tastes like delicious liberal tears  Rep. Anthony Weiner and Hannity argue tax rates. THE GENTLEMEN IS CORRECT IN SUBMITTING  Obama names Jon Bon Jovi to White House Council for Community Solutions. Special envoy David Coverdale approves

Music:  George Clinton is suing the Black Eyed Peas for plagiarism. They picked the wrong man to funk with  Rapper Ja Rule heads off to Ja il  Copyright infringement suit and royalties asked for against the rapper soon to be known as 25 Cent

Business:  Accessory package for $111,100 Corvette ZR1 includes two free days at high-performance driving school, hair plugs, viagra, & trophy wife  New Givenchy ads feature an albino model. Some slight image corrections needed with photoshopping, White Out  Silicon Valley venture capitalists value Twitter at $3.7+ billion in potential future IPO. Subby thinks these people are a bunch of dumb fuc
· · ·

Fark Shop now active. Sadly, 5" Daleks and Cthulhu Hand Puppets are already sold out
Posted by Drew at 2010-12-17 11:21:27 AM, edited 2010-12-17 11:46:00 AM (97 comments) | Permalink

Sup everyone. We added a Fark Shop to the site, you may have noticed.

For literally years we've tried to do some kind of merchandise and for whatever reason it's never worked out. Mostly because it's pretty much not what we do. I don't know a damn thing about it. Odds are that played some kind of role.

The kind folks at Neatorama approached me about a month ago asking if they could take over that part of the site for us. Aside from linking to Neatorama on a semi-regular basis, I've personally been reading their website for something like 15 years now. Great folks.

They're calling it the Neatoshop. The idea is take a large inventory of stuff, see what people on a given website purchase, then calibrate it so that it has more stuff that people like. At least that's my understanding, I do drink a lot.

At any rate, check it out, let me know if we can fix anything that is broke, looks bad, or a dumb idea. Comments always appreciated. Thanks!
· · ·

Headline of the Year contest update, and Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 12/5 - 12/11
Posted by Drew at 2010-12-14 11:46:07 AM (41 comments) | Permalink

From Unfreakable

It's mid-December, which means we're running our annual Headline of the Year contest, where we take a bunch of our favorites and let you vote on the ones you think are most deserving of the honor.

Yesterday we ran the initial mainpage thread for Headline of the Year - first quarter, which was the top-voted headlines for January through March. Voting is still open for that one if you missed it. The top five as voted will go to the final contest.

For the TFers, there are three active voting threads still open for April, May, and June, and those are gonna close tonight so that we can put up the next thread tomorrow on the main page.

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2010-12-05 to Sat 2010-12-11:  TSA fails to stop terrier attack  Two Gentlemen of Verona called out for a Taming of the Shrew after two bridesmaids got into a Tempest, making Much Ado About Nothing and turning the reception into a Comedy of Errors. All's Well That Ends Well  Family crash car while carrying bucket of paint. They're all-white, but a bit overcome with emulsion  NYC officials bust up a pot, coke, meth and LSD ring operating out of a Columbia University frat house. Unclear if the raid was named "Operation Shooting Fish in a Barrel"  Philadelphia: Catholic Archdiocese creates panel to look at school children. I mean, to learn how to entice more children. I mean, in school. I mean, "into" school. I mean, "into going to Catholic school." For education  Band teacher in hot water for playing in A minor  Police enter closed strip club and find several men inside claiming to be plumbers. That must explain why they had their caulk in their hands  Baby Jesus stolen from church nativity. Maybe they should try nailing him down  Texas to build experimental green community. Key components include guns made from recycled material and sustainably grown Skoal  Six children hurt in La school when el car crashed into it  Custer's battle flag auctioned for $2 million. Sadly, it represents the last win for the Indians until the 1920 World Series

Sports:  Blatter says FIFA isn't corrupt, it just needs to improve its image. Qatar seen handing Blatter a briefcase stuffed with image improvement  Toronto Maple Leafs upset that someone threw waffles onto the ice during a game. In other news, the waffles beat the Maple Leafs 7-2  Cam Newton awarded temporary custody of Heisman Trophy

Geek:  Google releases the keyboard design for Chrome OS without a Caps Lock key. RADICALS OF THE CHURCH OF BILLY MAYS DECLARE HOLY WAR  How big something appears to you depends on the size of the brain area necessary for vision - as well as the size of her hands  Bone fragment believed to be from Amelia Earhart discovered on remote Pacific Island. However, some don't think it's her atoll

Showbiz:  Leslie Nielsen had an entirely different kind of funeral. Altogether  Jennifer Lopez becomes the face, giant ass of L'Oreal  Natalie Portman strips down to her garter and negligee and I could now post my social security number and PIN number and mother's maiden name and nobody would ever read it

Politics:  According to the governor of Kentucky, supporting the Noah's Ark theme park with tax incentives is no different than supporting NASCAR. Patently ridiculous, of course, since this action represents a hard turn to the right  Israel ends trade ban on furniture and textile exports from Gaza. Palestinians complain that what they really need is to be allowed to import construction goods, but Israel's continued anti-cementism forbids it  Detroit to offer incentives for residents to relocate. Within the city. Damn, there's always a catch

Music:  Jim Morrison to be pardoned today. Come on baby right my prior  Susan Boyle returns to No. 1 spot, all-you-can-eat buffet  Hacker might have stolen Ke$ha nude pics. KEEP THEM

Business:  Counterfeit stamps are costing the US Postal Service half dozens of dollars every few years  Moody's downgrades Hungary to Starving  IKEA gave bonus of a bicycle to every one of its 12,400 U.S. employees. Most likely arrived in a box with three dented corners, missing several parts and with instructions in eight different languages
· · ·

A quick note on Fark's Headline of the Year contest, and a few of our favorite Headlines of the Week for 11/28 - 12/4
Posted by Drew at 2010-12-07 12:42:55 PM (24 comments) | Permalink

Sup everybody, just a hello and a reminder that we're in the process of putting together the annual Fark Headline of the Year contest, using Headlines of the Week from January 1, 2010 through today. The voting threads for January and February have already gone to TFD, and the first quarterly thread for Headlines of the Year will go live this Friday around noon EST. A lot of really phenomenal headlines in there that you may have missed earlier this year.

In the past, I know that some people who come to Fark for the first time take one look at the main page and don't really understand what they're looking at. They only see headlines and not every headline is as great as these.

This is my favorite contest of the year, so feel free to share the mainpage links when they go live, I'd love to see us blow up Facetube and Twitter this year.

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2010-11-28 to Sat 2010-12-04:  University of Maryland to field new sports team--in competitive eating. Great, another sport that will be dominated by the SEC  A retired French electrician and his wife have come forward with 271 undocumented, never-before-seen works by Pablo Picasso estimated to be worth at least $429.72^3  Panicky pilot causes Indian passenger jet to plunge 6,000 feet, leaving Hindu passengers up in arms  President of Kenya: "It is 'madness' for two men to fall in love with each other when a recent census showed there were 'plenty of women' in the country." And you Americans elected this guy?  Guy at Harry Potter Movie: "Engorgio. Spankus monkius." Police: "ARRESTO"  Pentagon: Letting openly gay troops serve won't hurt, at least not after the first couple of times  Lee Harvey Oswald's coffin going up for auction - remember, you only get one shot at this  Forest fire in Israel kills at least 40. Fire blamed on the yews  Two rare red foxes confirmed in Sierra Nevada, you big dummy  B.C. task force seizes 54,000 pot plants, invents the wheel  Rare 12' long serpentine oarfish washes up on Malibu shore, is promptly cleaned, grilled, dusted with lime, sea salt, Malabar peppercorns and served with a bold but casual Alsatian Pinot Blanc

Sports:  Jockey upgraded to stable. Before Obamacare, he would have been upgraded to a hospital  Derek Anderson throws a temper tantrum, has it intercepted and returned for a touchdown  Henrietta King, wife of boxing promoter Don King, deathalized, sensationalized, mortuarified and casketized at 87. Practitioners of ratfinkism and the greatest show on Earth mournify in stupendous and momentous occasion

Geek:  Same face may look male or female, say defensive researchers surprised by who they woke up with  NASA press conference is *not* about aliens. At all. Now please look into this light from my standard issue neuralyzer  Mercury poisoning can make you gay. Hgs for everyone

Showbiz:  George Lucas mourns the death of "The Empire Strikes Back" director Irvin Kershner, will release a remastered special edition of his funeral with new scenes involving Jar Jar Binks  America's next top model wants to talk to teens about being comfortable in their own fat, nasty skin  Mark Wahlberg thinks he can take champion boxer Manny Pacquiao. Where? To the mall? To the pharmacy? To a nice restaurant?

Politics:  McCain says Sarah Palin similar to Reagan. Presumably Nancy since they both spent a significant portion of their lives wiping the drool from an incoherent invalid in diapers  Pakistan rejects US fears on nuclear arms falling into the wrong hands, as that would imply Pakistani nuclear arms are currently in good hands  Uncle Joe clears everything up: "GOP 'just simply wrong'." Thanks for clearing that up, Joe, now clear out your office so Hillary can move in

Music:  Mariah Carey refuses to answer reporter's question about her twins, mistakenly thinking he was asking her about her pregnancy  Rapper Curren$y challenges Ke$ha for the most rigoddamndiculous stage name  Scissor Sisters frustrated by gig cancellation, Rock Sisters

Business:  Google offers to buy Groupon for $5 billion. Now they just need 50 more people to buy the offer as well for the deal to be active  Lesbian-only resort opens its doors to men due to financial crunch, much like your sister right after she graduated from college  Lowe's recalls 11 million blinds. I SAID: LOWE'S RECALLS 11 MILLION BLINDS
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Headline of the Year contest update, and some of Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 11/21 - 11/27
Posted by Drew at 2010-11-30 2:29:10 PM (20 comments) | Permalink

From Unfreakable:

No post from Drew this week, but I've started putting together the Headline of the Year preliminary threads and will be putting them into TF Discussion over the course of the next week or so. January's is currently on TFD for anybody that wants to vote.

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2010-11-21 to Sat 2010-11-27:  Israel to invest $23 million in Western Wall plaza. The plaza will have a Starbucks, Sbarro's, Hot Dog On A Stick, California Pizza Kitchen, and a Starbucks inside the other Starbucks  Plane with fiery wing makes emergency landing, presumably for ranch dipping sauce  Seven killed in gold mine collapse. Au shiat  Shaft traps Chinese worker for 80 hours. In his defense, he *is* a complicated man, and no one understands him but his woman  Over 300 killed on holiday in Cambodia. No word if any Kennedys were among the dead  Secret chamber found in India's National Library. Staff asked to refrain from stamping books until anyone with a fedora is ushered out  Researchers say predicting prostate recurrence is ineffective, and they can't put a finger on why  After raping a teen at gunpoint, Catholic priest hires a hit man to keep him quiet about it. Let us prey  Crab boat flips, one found dead in crushed station  Fire at home for mentally ill spreads slowly due to retardant  Village of Llansanffraid was spelled Llansantffraid since the 1800's, until the Powys council dropped the "t". Most villagers now want the "t" back. The others don't really give a shi

Sports:  Parade for team and fans of MLS soccer championship in Denver, parade expected to clog up two driveways  Nevada shot down Boise State in Reno, just to watch them die  Will Smith arrested for one little fight, will be sent to live with his auntie and uncle in Bel-Air

Geek:  Intel has found a way to cram 1,000 cores into a processor. Engineers at Gillette seen taking notes  Apple-1 computer sells for $213,000. So, the prices are finally dropping  Prehistoric hunters dealt mammoth blow to Siberean ecosystem. Siberia's warm, furry, tasty ecosystem

Showbiz:  Leonardo DiCaprio donates $1 million dollars to WWF, gets hit by steel chair  Kelly Preston and John Travolta welcome new son Benjamin into the world, while still honoring the memory of their late son Jett. Oh, ho. B-B-Benny and dead Jett  Architect for renovation of Royal Shakespeare Company's theater in Stratford-upon-Avon concerned about falling through trap door, though more likely he's just going through a stage

Politics:  Castro calls Obama the "best snake charmer" who ever lived. What a dumb asp  "Palin's attack shows ignorance." Obvious tag slowly raises bat and points it toward left field  Obama's grandmother prays for him to convert to Islam during pilgrimage to Mecca. THANKS GRANDMA

Music:  Billy Joel to undergo surgery on bad hip. Working too hard could hurt his SACROILIAC-AC-AC-AC  Beady Eye, Liam Gallagher's new band, announce several tour dates. He says the band will be "bigger than Wings"  Fans of Kanye West joining together to demand that he perform in Helsinki. Imma let you Finnish

Business:  NYC's legendary Guggenheim Museum stuck in a downward spiral  Experiment done to see which shipping company is best at handling your packages. TSA not included in study  Artisanal Cornish Blue named best-tasting cheese at World Cheese Awards competition. Buy this and other outstanding British cheeses at your local cheese shop today, where they will surely be available
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