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Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2011-02-27 to Sat 2011-03-05
Posted by Drew at 2011-03-08 11:21:18 AM, edited 2011-03-08 11:31:34 AM (11 comments) | Permalink

From Unfreakable:

No update from Drew this week; enjoy the headlines.

See you guys in Vegas.

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2011-02-27 to Sat 2011-03-05:  I said, THERE'S STILL NO EXPLANATION FOR LAST MONTH'S HERRING LOSS  For 75 years, woman plays piano weekly for her church. Credits her longevity to watching her keys and pews  Chinese farmer awaits an artifical asshole. Then, after James Franco's visit, he'll need surgery as well  New Jersey woman steals valuable church crucifix. Police nab her after brief cross examination  Tennessee would like its own currency. But is meth a stable enough standard?  Mary Lee Ditto given 10 days in jail for furnishing alcohol to a minor. Mary Lee Ditto given 10 days in jail for furnishing alcohol to a minor  The Supreme Court rules that, yes, the Constitution protects your right to be an asshole. In writing for the majority, Chief Justice Roberts added, "Goddamnitsomuch"  Sirhan Sirhan denied denied parole parole  Man successfully walks through 7 lanes of interstate traffic to retrieve hubcap he spotted in median. Too bad he needed 8 lanes to complete the level  Sailor fighting U.S. Navy discharge after getting caught in bed with another male sailor says he's not gay -- they just fell asleep watching "The Vampire Diaries." Dude, you need to stop talking  Two men arrested for poaching deer and serving the meat at Super Bowl party. Stealers lose again

Sports:  FAP motion fizzles out after four members take matters into their own hands and a load off of the president, who no longer has to hold his own  Collect your winnings if you had "22 months" in the "When Will JaMarcus Russell Lose His House?" pool  Bob Sanders shakes hands on one-year deal with San Diego, dislocates shoulder

Geek:  Federal researchers, who clearly hang out in different bars than I do, declare the eastern cougar officially extinct  Smartphone market share in a pretty graph - and if you'll notice, Android doesn't even make the cut. iCan't imagine why  Florida man finally grows eight-pound turnip. Tells friends he's now beet. Just wants to go home, read the pepper, take a leek endive into bed

Showbiz:  ABC is casting for a new show tentatively called "Good Christian Biatches." One assumes that name will be changed  The 31st annual Razzie Award winners have been announced. In a stunning twist, M. Night Shyamalan sweeps yet again  Simon Pegg says the Star Trek 2 script is "amazing." Yes. We all agree, Wrath of Khan was the best of the Star Trek films. Thanks for reminding us  Christina Aguilera arrested for public intox after failing sobriety test, by oversinging the wrong letters to the alphabet  Mel Gibson calls Charlie Sheen to offer his support. Two now set to co-produce a buddy cop sex tape  The 10 most paused moments in movie history. Have these people never heard of Fast Times at Ridgemont High?  The AV Club revisits the cultural significance of "Clarissa Explains it All." Or, as Subby calls it, "A Televised Introduction to Onanism"  Jessica Simpson is: A) desperate for love; B) a ravenous lover of snacks and fast food; C) always drunk. Difficulty: pick one  Colin Firth being demoted from king to knight. Check mate  Fox News: You can beat the TSA by putting someone else's DNA in your mouth. Fark: Of course it was Steve Doocy who suggested it, as he likely has had a lot of different DNA in his mouth

Politics:  GAO issues first report on Government waste and duplication. Many more expected to follow  Sarah Palin thinks that military funerals are more important than the first amendment. On the bright side, Sarah Palin can now name TWO Supreme Court cases she disagrees with. Take that, Couric  Unemployment rate drops to 8.9% as new jobs are created to clean up after Charlie Sheen

Music:  Thieves try and sell $2 million violin for $150 with no strings attached  UK's Download Festival turns down Metallica, saying they are "boring", evidently tired of that one Metallica song that goes from F#m to E. No, not that one. The other one. No, not that one. Yeah, that one that sounds like that one  Mariah Carey embarrassed about performance linked to Gadhafi. In other news, next week's Sweet 16 concert still on for Ashley Hitler

Business:  US Uncut protests that the banks don't pay their tip of the taxes, and that they're giant dicks  Blue Cross of Massachusetts rewards CEO for $149 million loss with $11 million severance pay. No wonder it's a nonprofit  Rupert Murdoch gets UK government approval to complete buy-out of satellite broadcaster BSkyB, build Death Star that only flies to the right
· · ·

Vegas update and some of Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 2/20 - 2/26
Posted by Drew at 2011-03-01 1:28:57 PM, edited 2011-03-01 1:35:08 PM (29 comments) | Permalink

From Unfreakable:

We're still working on a lot of events associated with the meetup. Besides the big Friday night party and the speakers on Saturday, we're setting up a poker tournament (yes, Texas Hold 'Em and yes, Drew will definitely be in that one), probably on Friday. We're also working on several other similar group events; our objective is that you'll have lots of options to choose from and can pick what you want to do in any given day. Lots of ideas coming our way and we're sorting through the best ones now.

If you haven't booked your room yet, now is the time to jump on it. Call them today and grab your spot and you'll get the discounted rate.

One note, and it's important: if you already scheduled your room at Treasure Island, please check and verify that they associated it with the Fark block of rooms with the code FARKCOM. They're not showing as many as we're showing on our side as booked, and we don't want anybody who has booked to lose their spot because of a mix-up. For some of you who booked online, we heard that there were a few issues getting the code to work and we want to make sure that there aren't any hitches now.

Anyway, if you have event ideas, send them to me (Tony) or Melissa at our Fark emails (our name

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2011-02-20 to Sat 2011-02-26:  British Gay Muslims are seeking rights to marry. And honestly, they were born gay, Muslim, and British, let's give them a break for once  Gaddafi says the people of Libya are "fighting a rock", which I guess means we need a crapload of paper  "Officers believe the bone may be connected to the missing persons." Well, not anymore, but still  Woman gives birth going up in an elevator. This would never have happened if she had gone down  FARK's favorite Warrior, Patrick Tribbett, is back in the news with another story that will make you want to kry(lon)  California plans to install a bubble machine, strobe lights, and "underwater acoustics" to keep salmon away from a wrong turn to the ocean. In unrelated news, California salmon now tastes like glowsticks  Fewer people sought unemployment aid last week, perhaps because of the amount of work involved  Disney worker arrested after filling guest's day with fun, adventure, penis  I repair elevators so I can buy meth, so I can repair elevators faster and buy even more meth, so I can repair EVEN MORE ELEVATORS SO I CAN BUY EVEN MORE FASTER METH  Man steals Model A Ford. Tries to cheese it but G men get the drop on him; cracks wise with coppers before singing like a canary and now he's in the hoosegow, looking at going in for all day  Canadian author visits his 2,500th pub. Says he has yet to reach the pint of no return

Sports:  Gary Bettman supports the construction of a new hockey arena in Edmonton. Which is strange, since Edmonton isn't in the Southern US  Three arrested as cricket betting racket busted. In other news, there are apparently enough people who understand the game to actually make wagers on it  KC Chiefs team delayed over white substance unknown to players. No, it was not the goal line

Geek:  Watson goes on-line Aug. 4, 2011. Humans are removed from radiology and law. Watson begins to learn at a geometric rate. It becomes self-aware at 2:14 a.m. EST, Aug. 29. In a panic, they try to pull the plug  Scientists theorize newly-discovered 'Thunder Thighs' dinosaur delivered fierce kicks, avoided swimsuits  R2 going to the ISS to fix power couplings, hyperdrive, and annoy 3PO  Lo ks l ke the Veriz n iPho e 4 has somethin in co mon wit the AT& iPho e 4  Hacker writes easy-to-use Mac trojan. 5% OF EVERYBODY PANIC

Showbiz:  Bell Biv Devoe to jam with Jimmy Fallon. This is the most exciting news from 1998 yet  Katy Lexus Perry Geico defends Snickers product Neutrogena placement Tylenol in Coca-Cola music Dunkin' Donuts videos  Farrelly brothers say they plan to start 'Stooges' soon, but admit nothing is soiten yet

Politics:  Emanuel elected new mayor of Chicago with 107% of the vote  Democrats surrender preemptively on major policy decision. This is not a repeat from always  Crazy people don't think Glenn Beck is crazy. See comments

Music:  Daft Punk partners with Coke. Amy Winehouse inconsolable  MTV launches O Music Awards without saying what the "O" stands for. That's okay, no one knows what the "M" stands for either  Yo, Kanye. I'm really happy for you, and I'mma let you finish, but your music video is one of the most seizure-inducing of all time. OF ALL TIME

Business:  Alibaba executives resign amid controversy that their board of directors is nothing more than a band of 40 thieves  Apple beats off British question on who comes after Steve, won't hand Jobs' role to just any jack off the street but assure investors no one will juggle the baton. Whoever winds up handling the firm, it'll most likely be a Yank  FRITO-LAY UNVEILS QUIETER SUN CHIPS BAG
· · ·

Fark Redesign Comps -- prepare to get over it
Posted by Drew at 2011-02-24 1:25:13 PM, edited 2011-02-24 2:00:53 PM (997 comments) | Permalink


tl;dr - You'll get over it

Longer Introduction

In preparation for this blog entry, I've scoured the tubes for introductions to new redesigns to build the ultimate horrifying corporatespeak version of "no seriously you'll really like this redesign it's for your own good post." So here goes:

We know what you really want. It's not what you think you want, but we do know better than you do. We're experts. At least one of us even has a degree from a college.

As it turns out, this involves taking what you've known and loved for years, deleting it entirely, and replacing it with something completely different. Once we've done that, we'll continue to insist for weeks that this completely new website that we've just slapped our name on is the same as the old thing that doesn't exist anymore. Did I mention we deleted the code completely? We couldn't go back if we wanted to. Besides, Kevin Rose wouldn't refund the money we paid for the old Digg source code at this point, he's already spent it on $1000-an-ounce teas.

We merged the open source Reddit code with the old codebase we bought from Digg and we're calling it New Fark 4.1 (don't ask what happened to 4.0, it involved a Russian botnet and a well known poker website). We are basing our layouts on the new Gawker redesign, in that we made it so awesome, you'll pretend to hate it just to look cool. Also, we're all taking a month-long vacation the day after New Fark 4.1 launches, so if anything's broken (ha ha what are the odds) don't worry, we'll be back to fix it in 30 days.

Please be sure to twat/facepost/youspace this blog entry to all your friends and followers.

I have nothing more to add, I didn't do squat for coding on this redesign other than drink beer and hurl abuse at the Fark team for not moving faster. So I'm going to hand the descriptions over to Fark's resident design guy and couch-lifter for my wife when he's at my house, Joe Peacock (PattonX). See how stiff his writing style is? He's scared to death you won't like it. Personally, I think he should just man up and beat you guys over the head with this redesign. He's an expert, after all (but he's not one of the ones who went to a college for that degree).

If anyone needs me I'll be on the twitters screaming at Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert to give credit to friends of mine for things that I have no stake in.

Okay, so, the redesign, by PattonX

Umm... Thanks, Drew, for that very interesting intro. That degree from a college is serving you well.

So, as Drew said, we wanted to give you guys a heads-up on an upcoming redesign of Fark, and get your feedback. We feel this new look and feel is a much-needed refresh on the overall aesthetic of Fark, without drastically changing how Fark works. It's a fresh coat of paint, if you will, and we think it improves on just about every aspect of the Fark design.

Here's the page as it looks in whole:

The very first thing you'll notice: it's cleaner. More space between elements, but not too much. One column on the right instead of two. Much more readable. Let's look closer at each of the individual sections.

The right side:

This is perhaps the most drastic overhaul. The right side toolbars are drastically cleaner and easier to use. Gone are the seven micro-type menus of various sorts. We've stripped down the right side to focus on the important stuff -- using Fark. We've also dumped the incredibly long tower ad unit in favor of a more manageable 300x250 ad unit. The end result -- it just makes more sense.

The header:

The header in general is the same as it has always been -- all of the menu items and structure you're used to are here. It's just much, much cleaner and easier to use.

Have you ever shown Fark to someone and had them ask "Okay, so what is this?" We've made it much easier to show them. There's now a link for new users to find out all about Fark, without having to figure out the FAQ section (a walkthrough, if you will) -- making it much easier to explain Fark. And that bit about "real news made readable" won't always be there. We're going to stuff that section full of random but related statements about what Fark is. If you have suggestions, email Drew.

The menubar:

Skittle-tabs (rainbow colors) are gone. We've gone to a much cleaner and simpler page system which simply demarks where you are, without tabs and rainbow headers. You'll notice that the "music" tab is now wrapped into the Entertainment tab (previously called Showbiz). We've done this to streamline all the entertainment news, as music news has mostly become Entertainment news. We're moving music videos into the video tab.

Message center:

img.fark.netView Full Size

You'll also notice that your login now has a little envelope icon with a number -- this is your message center. When you click on the icon, the page will refresh to show you all system notifications, as well as all of the threads in which you have been replied to or mentioned since you last visited your message center.

The links:

img.fark.netView Full Size

(click for fullsize)

The important part. The same link list view is back, but spaced out more for readability, and with much clearer column headers. But you'll notice a few new options for sorting your links.

Now, you can sort chronologically, as Fark is already sorted, or re-sort the list by popularity (clicks) or by comment count.

You can also show the last day, two days or 7 days worth of links from the bottom of the headline list.

One note: it's not represented here, but the link to the new comments on each thread you've read will still be here. We're not taking it away.


We've added access to the latest headline in each section right under the links list, so that when you're done reading the main page of Fark, you can jump right into any of the individual sections.

As you can see, nothing really drastic is going on, and yet, it's a rather huge improvement to how Fark looks. The team has worked to make it much easier on the eyes: the links are more readable, and you can now sort things and get to exactly what you want, how you want it. You now have instant access to follow threads where you're active.

But we want to get your feedback. What can we do to tweak this new design to improve it?
· · ·

World Fark Party Apr 1 - 3 in Las Vegas at Treasure Island - see comments for details
Posted by Drew at 2011-02-23 5:03:37 PM (451 comments) | Permalink

Fark Vegas details are starting to fall into place. We finally got a hotel for the saturday meetup from 4-8pm. It will be at Treasure Island, roughly in the middle of the strip.

Short version:

We have a block of 50 rooms at Treasure Island that we need to fill, rate is $129 per night. Reservations: 888-503-8999 between the hours of 8:00AM to 7:00PM Pacific Time. Group code is FARKCOM. Hotel registration deadline is March 4th to guarantee that rate

April 1st 6-9pm bar meetup at a TI bar/restaurant (signed contract pending, announcement forthcoming). If it works how we have it configured currently, we'll have half-price drinks and complimentary cupcakes. THATS RIGHT I SAID CUPCAKES

April 2nd 4-8pm Treasure Island Conf Room TBA. Program details forthcoming as well.

Longer version:

TI is giving us the Saturday meeting space free, but in order for them to do this we need to get at least 50 rooms booked over there by Mar 4th (and there's a food/drink minimum but since most Farkers are semi-functional alcoholics we're not too worried about hitting it). The rate is $129/night, which I know is not the cheapest available on the strip (or possibly even at TI depending on your hotel-fu), however do take into account that from extreme ends of the strip (stratosphere/hilton and luxor/mandalay) it'll be about a $10-$15 cab ride one way to reach TI. Central proximity is one of the reasons we went with them, the others being that they didn't insert landmine clauses into the contract on the third iteration without notice that would trigger triple damages due to events that we had little to no control over. In short, we almost had agreed with a different hotel but things got weird last minute. It happens, no hard feelings.

There will be a bar meetup from 6-9pm 99% likely to be in TI as well. Official announcement should come soon on this, possibly today maybe tomorrow. Half price drinks and free cupcakes.

We're going to try to put together a small semi-organized program on Saturday from 4-8pm, if you have any particular talent, skill, or area of expertise to present on, drop melissa and tony (na­me[nospam-﹫-backwards]kra­f­*com) an email with a pitch and we'll see about getting you in there.

IF we somehow manage to get a list of decent fark-related guests to come do a thing we'll need to subsidize the event by collecting $50 at the door on Saturday. If this is too much for anyone's specific current financial situation just let us know and we'll waive it, we don't want anyone to be left out. Even with that this is going to run in the red, but that's ok

We're also compiling a list of other pop-up events, so if you have anything you like to do and would like to invite people to come join you, let Melissa and Tony know that as well, along with when, where, any costs, and people limit. For example, if someone wants to organize a jaunt over to the Gun Store, that could be fun. Etc. I'll be getting in on Thursday, I'll probably be organizing a bar crawl on the strip or something. I've heard sunday brunches suggested. Feel free to organize something with your friends and NOT make it open invite as well.

Sorry things took this long, the good news is we're going to have an absolute blast. Can't wait to see everyone.
· · ·

A confusing pile of news around the world, a quick Vegas update, and some of Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 2/13 - 2/19
Posted by Drew at 2011-02-22 1:22:55 PM, edited 2011-02-22 2:07:56 PM (23 comments) | Permalink

I wonder what people who haven't really been paying attention to the news think about all these recent events? Do they think there are muslim uprisings in Wisconsin? Earthquakes in Mordor? One TFer suggested today that Libya found Justin Bieber off the coast of Somalia bleaching his toilet. These are interesting times. I couldn't even hazard a guess as to where all this is going. Tune in next week.

Also, a quick Fark Vegas note: we hit a little rough patch with the contract signings due to lawyer shenanigans. We're working around that, though, and are optimistic it'll be resolved quickly. In the meantime, folks have asked for general info so they can plan stuff. There's an official kickoff party Friday night, we're shooting for 6-9pm but it might start a bit later, and there will be another event from 4-8pm on Saturday. We'll also be compiling a list of things folks are doing that are open-invite. For example I get in on Thursday night, maybe we'll do a crawl from one end of the strip to the other or something. I'll keep you posted.

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2011-02-13 to Sat 2011-02-19:  Laughing gas making a comeback as option for mothers in labor. LOL  You may soon be able to carry a concealed weapon in Wyoming without a concealed weapons permit. Just two problems though, you can't be drunk, and you're in Wyoming  Thai fighters crash during military exercise. Darth Vader unimpressed  Hipster migration is making Portland, OR too white, according to some obscure statistics you've never even heard of  Somali pirate sentenced to 33 years of not having to go back to Somalia  Friends say Congresswoman Giffords is laughing at jokes, admit some of them went over her head  Researchers from Hollywood Upstairs Science College are surprised when the hole they drilled into a volcano begins to fill with lava  Authorities did not initially say who the owner of the abused dog was for fear for his safety, and 48 year old Michael Jenkins of Utica, New York is pretty thankful about that  Michelle Obama's breastfeeding advocacy reveals cleavage between U.S. right, left  10-year-old points laser at police helicopter. Toronto cops track him down by process of illumination  Mannford man arrested for Facebook threats. What a deuce

Sports:  Ex-Colts QB arrested for stealing $1 million from elderly woman. No word on how the theft occured, but I'm guessing he Schlichter  Wedge ready to take over Mariners, expected to add Biggs, Porkins, Gavin, Hobbie, Zev, and Luke to staff  Dale Earnhardt died ten years ago today, so please lower your moustache to half staff

Geek:  Public lice concerns leads to scientific head scratching  DARPA's brain-controlled robotic arm fast-tracked, could be available in four years, self aware in five, crushing human skulls in seven  Only 1 in 3 Aussies currently pirate movies, meaning 2 of every 3 Aussies have lost touch with their heritage

Showbiz:  Letterman's guests on Thursday are Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton. Program to be simulcast on Court TV  Carrie Fisher undergoes electroshock therapy sessions every six weeks for her manic depression  Paris Hilton shows off her new iPhone app on Letterman. App causes phone to behave erratically, go down on you frequently; needs to be purged of viruses and jailbroken every few months

Politics:  Rick Santorum doesn't like what he finds when he Googles his name. Obvious Tag thinks it's too late to pull out now  Republicans vote to "defund Obama's shadow government." Next up: Warlock Prevention Act and axing Unicorn subsidies  Ann Coulter admits she's "insanely jealous of Sarah Palin." Ann, you could have just stopped eight syllables ago

Music:  Owl City's Adam Young sings Taylor Swift a love song on Valentine's Day. Swift immediately falls into a coma  Yoko Ono will be the featured speaker at this year's SXSW Festival. Hey, at least she's not singing  Former Alice In Chains bassist arrested for drug possession. This is not a repeat from every year since 1992

Business:  Chairman of Georgia's State Senate Banking Committee sued by an Alabama bank and the FDIC, hopes his resume is now strong enough to get hired by the Big Boys on Wall Street  Chevron hit with 8.6 billion dollar settlement; shares rose, however, on news this was only a small portion of the Stargate's budget  Best Buy buy back bites back
· · ·

A very brief update on the patent lawsuit against Fark. Dogs wanting steak (Patent #4534989) unavailable for comment on the advice of their legal counsel
Posted by Drew at 2011-02-15 5:03:43 PM, edited 2011-02-15 5:46:14 PM (313 comments) | Permalink

So last month we got hit with a patent lawsuit. Yay, good times. I can't comment on much about it, however I do want say this patent has nothing to do with anything Fark does. If you want to have a look it's at e ws-release-generation-and. You'll probably pretty quickly figure out why it doesn't apply to us, especially if you have a journalism background.

So we're in the clear, right? Unfortunately no. Patent lawsuits are a different kind of lawsuit altogether, you can't just show up and say "hey this doesn't apply to us at all" and then have the case dismissed. Patent lawsuits take a long time, I read somewhere 18 months on average. And it's very unfortunate that we're the only defendant named in the lawsuit not owned by a large corporation or that isn't sitting on a huge stockpile of venture capital. However the good news there is at least there are some big dogs in this fight, so we'll see how things progress. I'd rather not be in it at all, however.
· · ·

Quick note about Fark opening up comment notifications via email for you, and a few of Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 2/6 - 2/12
Posted by Drew at 2011-02-15 1:15:09 PM (107 comments) | Permalink

Hey everyone.

A few weeks ago we rolled out a feature that folks had been requesting for a while: email notifications. Basically, the idea is to send you an email when someone quotes one of your comments. Folks have been asking for it for awhile now. We haven't had many folks activate it - I'm guessing at least in part because a lot of folks don't know that feature even exists.

Yes, certainly there are going to be many folks who would not like that feature turned on, I'm actually sort of one of them - I've got mine on but it's at the lowest setting. However there's no real good way to make people aware that it exists, so we're going to default it to on.

For folks who don't want this feature, I have some good news for you: in every email there's a link you can click that'll turn it off. Easy peasy. So if you don't want emails, hit that link and it'll stop immediately. Or go into your profile and turn it off, that'll work too (sorry it's hard to find, though, we're fixing that soon).

We don't want to force people into things they don't want, but on the other hand there's no good way to reach everyone else to let them know about new features. During our beta testing with TotalFarkers, we tried to notify folks via a system message but it turned out that was FAR more annoying than email would have been.

I'd recommend trying it out though, I've actually found it extremely useful. I got called into a TotalFark thread yesterday regarding some weird ads that I wouldn't have known about otherwise. It helps a lot with tracking discussions I'm involved in. So give it a shot, see what you think, and if you've got any suggestions on how to make it better, drop me a line. I'd love to hear them.

I know you guys are waiting for an update on the lawsuit; I wrote up a bit and will post as soon as the lawyers are okay with it -- possibly as early as later today.

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2011-02-06 to Sat 2011-02-12:  ♫ Making your way in the world today takes all the blood you've got. Taken a hit from someone's shiv? It sure would help to clot. Didn't you try to get away? ♫  Google executive couldn't be found. Then BING, he's released  Oldest drinkable beer discovered, will be analyzed and brewed again. Initial reports say the taste has 'burnt notes', which puzzles Anheuser Busch brewers who say beer should have no flavor at all  Maryland first grade teacher charged with choking, continuing to strike students when they couldn't spell their safe words  "Cambodian Anger Over Temple Not Exploding, for Now." Once the temple explodes things will calm down  European scientists working on RoboEarth, a network similar to the Internet for robots to share information. The resulting robot uprising will be thwarted when someone uploads a video clip of a robot humping a washing machine  Multiple reports circulating that Hosni Mubarak will step down tonight in lieu of his original plan, which was to be assassinated and disemboweled by an angry mob  Spice drug helps repair stroke damage. Side effects may include: Blue-within-blue eyes, space folding, universe control. Ask your Guild Representative if the spice drug is right for you  Hitler's desk set for sale *shakily removes glasses, calls for admin to green link, leave room*  Mubarak steps down, signs with Vikings  Pit bull puppy swallows foot long drum stick. Surgery successful, no repercussions

Sports:  Cleveland Browns cut five overpaid, underperforming, over-the-hill starters. All five expected to be in Redskins uniforms just as soon as Dan Synder figures out a way to give up draft picks for them  Racing fans shocked at seeing horses complete the circuit, yet not finish the race. Ohm my  Clay Matthews says the NFL "didn't really like" the Packers using a wrestling belt in their celebrations, adding "if we wanted to see you celebrate like white trash, we would've booked Ben Roethlisberger winning"

Geek:  Scientists see the far side of the Sun for the first time, spot cows standing up, giant insects, blah blah blah Ginger  So graphene was all "I'm the strongest material ever, and won the Nobel Prize", but then molybdenite was all, "Yeah but I'm a semiconductor, biatch"  Study shows that whipping horses doesn't make them run any faster, remember their safe words any better

Showbiz:  Shia Lebeouf punched in face by angry bar patron, who apparently wanted to do America a favor  Michael J. Fox given yet another award this time for (shakes magic 8 ball) - well, basically for that  Ricky Gervais wants Will Arnett to take over on The Office. Oh, yeah, like the guy in the $5,000 suit is going to work at a paper company--COME ON

Politics:  Rep. Chris Lee (R-ipped) resigns to spend more time with his Bowflex  Palin calls Santorum a "knuckle-dragging Neanderthal." I...don't know who to root for  Rahm Emmanuel favors slave reparations? Dude, you're Jewish. Egypt is in disarray. Now is not the time to be asking Pharoah for money

Music:  Jim James of My Morning Jacket and M. Ward start a blog about creme brule. Declare themselves Monsters of Yolk  55 of rap's memorable opening lines. Whoa. Literature  Nicki Minaj's CD reaches number one in the US. HOW DID WE LET THIS HAPPEN?

Business:  McDonald's reports 5.3% sales increase; growth comes from all regions. Presumably belly, thighs, upper arms, chins  Ford outlines its social media strategy, which will probably fall apart and need extensive repairs after two years  Borders will be ending their story at Chapter 11 after all
· · ·

Shinmoedake Bukkake, Lieberman touring with Sabbath, and the Natalee Holloway conversion scale: a few of Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 1/30 - 2/5
Posted by Drew at 2011-02-08 1:13:50 PM (11 comments) | Permalink

From Unfreakable:

No posting from Drew this week, but well done on the headlines this week, submitters.

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2011-01-30 to Sat 2011-02-05:  "Geezer Bandit" hits L.A. again. He was almost caught when he spent five minutes arguing with the teller over $0.35 in change  Whales return to waters around New York City, immediately lose a fin on three card monty  Japan's Shinmoedake volcano status upgraded from "Nervous Laugh with Hand Covering Mouth" to "Bukkake"  Over 200 Tunisians killed in uprising. That's like 18.5 white people, or 1 Natalee Holloway  Eager to show the West they're on our side, Mubarak supporters punch CNN's Anderson Cooper repeatedly  Toddler's finger severed in freak escalator accident. Mother says they will take steps to make sure it doesn't happen again  Supporters of medical marijuana ban find opposition much higher than expected  Holocaust historian not happy that Glenn Beck keeps comparing political opponents to Nazis, Anne Frankly she's not going to take it anymore  Most of the Cairo protesters are upbeat, though a few wind up the other way around  Homosexuality compared to second-hand smoking. Further study needed, perhaps a "Smoking Poll"  Teen arrested by police investigating drug deals on Facebook. Stupid kids, don't they realise you're meant to sell drugs in quiet, deserted places? Like MySpace?

Sports:  Surprising conviction in case of man accused of selling fake Maple Leafs tickets after prosecutors were able to show that something of value was lost  Rick DiPietro out 4-6 weeks due to broken jaw, swollen knee, commitment to play the villain in Unbreakable 2  Baltimore Orioles cap busy offseason by signing Derrek Lee, Justin Duchscherer and Vlad Guerrero. In other news, the Birds have clinched a berth in the 2003 playoffs

Geek:  Scientists reveal that of the great apes, orangutans are the most genetically distant from humans, closest to Paul Giamatti  Google: Bing has been copying Google's search results. Bing: Bing has been copying Google's search results  Scientists succeed in making a paper clip invisible, hope to eventually be able to trade up to making a house in Saskatchewan vanish

Showbiz:  TNT extends 'The Closer' final season, plots spin-off, resolves to finally tell Kyra Sedgwick she looks like a duck  Sole recipient of the "Ron Howard's Affirmative Action for Guys Related to Me" program complains about how hard it is being conservative in Hollywood  A guide to Glee for straight guys. If you clicked the link, you failed the test and are probably gay

Politics:  Mubarak: "I would like to leave office today but I cannot... If I resign today there will be chaos." So enjoy your peace, rainbows and unicorns while you can, Egypt  Sen. Joseph Lieberman writing book about Sabbath.... subby didn't know he'd even toured with them  Sarah Palin says she could do a great job solving the Egyptian crisis with her vast knowledge of stepping down from power during a crisis in confidence

Music:  19 artists who reinvented themselves after their early work. Subby's been a fan of Genesis ever since Duke; before that, he really didn't understand any of their work  Rolling Stones say they've not made firm plans for the 2011 Steel Wheelchairs tour  Ke$ha loves running around naked in the woods. Probably so she can get closer to the wolves who raised her

Business:  Allstate apologizes for ranking road safety on basis of Zodiac signs, says it was typical of Geminis to blow something like this out of proportion  NA, this CLearly can't be right: Salt is the new gold after a major snowstorm  Research shows unemployed suffer more often and longer from physical ailments and mental complaints -- without even having to work at it
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Quick notes on Egypt, the SnOMGpocalypse, the Super Bowl, Vegas, and a few of Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 1/23 - 1/29
Posted by Drew at 2011-02-01 2:33:22 PM (23 comments) | Permalink

Between Egypt, multiple snowpacalypses, and the Super Bowl it sure has been a busy week. Here's a quick rundown:

Egypt: I have no idea how this is going to turn out, but it's gonna have to turn out one way or the other pretty quickly. Stratfor just sent out an update saying they estimate Egypt has just a few weeks of food left. I doubt either the people involved, the media, or anyone else interested in the outcome is willing to wait that long for a resolution. Maybe Mubarak is. Haven't paid much attention to Egypt before this. Newsflash below says Mubarak is going to address the million protesters, with speculation that he'll announce he won't be running in elections. Those aren't until September, though, so we'll see what happens with that.

Snowpacalpse: Have we reached the point yet where OMG SNOW isn't news anymore? Granted, getting a foot of snow dumped on you does tend to mess things up a bit (assuming you live where that doesn't happen regularly). A few years ago Kentucky got hit with 15 inches of snow; that morning I walked over to the local Kroger to see if it was still open. It was. Roads were shut down for all of three days. As long as the power stays on no one's going to starve. That said, for those of you getting hit by an ice storm: if the power goes out, leave the state (if you can). That's what I did when that happened here two years ago, spent a week down in South Carolina until the power came back on.

Super Bowl: The media is REALLY reaching for stuff to talk about here. Not that this is unusual, two weeks is a long time to speculate about a single game. I think everyone's extended families have been interviewed by this point, most of which won't get aired unless someone gets injured or has a breakout game in the big game. Speaking of which, my birthday's the day after the Super Bowl, so I'm probably going to combine parties this year. Looking forward to it.

Yes, very exciting I know. I should have an update on that patent lawsuit next week or so. It's kind of funny but I can't say anything at this point.

On the topic of the Vegas Fark Party, we expect to have an update on that for you later today.

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2011-01-23 to Sat 2011-01-29:  Abandoned rail line to Amlwch set to reopen for delivery of badly needed vowels  Jack LaLanne now doing one-armed daisy pushups  When I die, I hope it's peacefully in my sleep like this Pakistani bus driver. Not screaming in terror like his passengers  Five wildly popular car modifications that must be stopped. SPOILER ALERT  Surgeons now treating brain aneurysms through the nose -- the same way the patient will be paying  Reason No. 347 why America is doomed: four out of five people believe "The Battle of the Bulge" is a new obesity-intervention series on NBC, while the fifth person is absolutely positive it's on Bravo  Motorcycle safety systems will alert riders to unsafe activities, such as GETTING ON A MOTORCYCLE  Dog found eighteen miles out to sea adopted. Good buoy  Burglar pours ketchup into fish tank during apartment robbery. Cops not fooled by the red herring  Today's dead blackbird news comes from Alabama, where officials say the birds "appear to have died from flying into or being struck by a large object, such as an tractor-trailer rig." Tractor-trailer was last seen flying south  Joe Biden advises unemployed Americans to "hang in there." Sounds like good advice: It's quicker and probably less painful than slitting your wrists

Sports:  In English football a team was fined £25,000 for fielding weak players. In American football we just call that team the Carolina Panthers  Woman accuses Detroit Lions player of trying to be the first to score in the postseason in over a decade  Kijm Clijsters wijns Austraijlian Open Champijonshijp

Geek:  Your GPS causes you to crash directly into a church? Yeah...that's a clerical error  Scientists invent a food replicator. Tea. Earl Grey. Hot  How a cat named Zoe earned several advanced degrees and became a psychotherapist. Well that's crazy, you can't name a cat Zoe, that's a people name

Showbiz:  John Travolta cast as mobster John Gotti, presumably not due their shared history of whacking guys  Charlie Sheen taken to hospital, tries to have sex with it  Stop. Just flush the wound and listen, Ice is down in unconscious condition

Politics:  Egypt: Despite Ban, protests Roll On. Leaked Secrets contributing to unrest. Mubarak worried he might get the Axe. Police respond with Speed, Sticks  Biden: "I think the stories The Onion does on me are hilarious." Palin: "The Onion makes fun of you because you make it so easy for them." Biden: "You mean like the New York Times does with you?" ^_^ Palin: v_v  George W. Bush seeks anonymousness ... anonymousity ... uh, laying low

Music:  Contract talks between Detroit Symphony Orchestra and striking musicians stall over proposed cuts to bass salaries  Cancer no longer touching Divinyls singer Chrissy Amphlett  The gay guy from New Kids on the Block says he never hid his sexuality. No, not him. Him either. No, that Knight guy. No, the other one

Business:  3M dips in 4Q, hopes 2C 6S this year  Upcoming Prince William and Kate Middleton wedding inspires company to make souvenir condoms. You can now have royal protection for your crown jewels  Selling counterfeit postage stamps will get you sent to jail, even if you philately deny it
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Drew's stuck dealing with lawyers today, but in the meantime here are some of Fark's favorite Headlines of the Week for 1/16 - 1/22
Posted by Drew at 2011-01-26 1:49:42 PM (54 comments) | Permalink

From Unfreakable,

Howdy everybody, Drew is head-down with the patent lawsuit thing, so he's either meeting with lawyers, talking to lawyers on the phone, or getting information from lawyers.

He'll be back whenever he comes up for air, but I have no idea when that might be. In the meantime, enjoy the headlines.

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2011-01-16 to Sat 2011-01-22:  Man dies investigating 12K volt line that fell in yard, additional family members die in rescue attempt. Survivors not shocked at all  Is that a swordfish in your pocket or are you just pleased sashimi?  Woman facing charges after punching a police horse in the nose. Woman only pawn in game of life  Obama holding first China state dinner in 13 years. Another to be held an hour later when everyone's hungry again  Major earthquake leaves remote area of Pakistan looking exactly the same  Aluminum heist foiled  B.C. man hit by stray bullet in Mexico. DAMN YOU, TIME-TRAVELING BULLETS  Man wearing Obama mask robs banks, demands change  NBC exec Jeff Zucker can breathe a sigh of relief: Honolulu jury finds that beating a peacock to death is not animal cruelty  Woman killed in fire was kind, generous, warm  Chicago bound plane makes emergency landing at Oakland airport, unaware nothing in the air could be more dangerous as Oakland, CA

Sports:  A winter day, bleak and dreary. The fans begged out for three points more. Quoth the Raven: We failed to score  Man wins $1 million in Virginia Lottery's Redskins Legacy game, marking the first successful Redskins lottery pick since Snyder bought the team  Toronto's Mike Komisarek accused of punching a woman in the face. No word yet on which Ottawa Senator was the victim

Geek:  Robotic flying insects build structures out of super magnetic Legos, all while buzzing angrily. Feel free to forward any questions to: Submitter, Hiding Under Bed, State of Panic  Six researchers locked in a steel capsule for 233 days to simulate a flight to Mars are set to be released. Boy are they gonna be pissed when they find out they're still on earth  Entire Playboy library to be available on iPad. Finally, Hefner thinks outside the box

Showbiz:  Spike Lee to Italian-American groups that protested him giving a speech at a local college because his films "unflatteringly" portrayed Italians. "Have you SEEN Jersey Shore?"  IRS: Hey Lil Jon, you owe us over a half-million dollars. Lil Jon: WHAT?? IRS: Seriously, you could be in trouble: Lil Jon: OKAY  Jwoww and Snookie are getting a Jersey Shore spin off show, tentatively called "The Bay of Pigs"

Politics:  McCain calls Obama a "patriot." Why he wants to see Obama destroyed at home by jets is anyone's guess  Dick Cheney says it might be appropriate to limit gun magazine size. Well, yeah, that's easy to say when you can crush a man's windpipe with your mind  President Obama's pledge during the festive China state dinner. "A belief that, with education and hard work and with sacrifice, the future is what we make it". In bed

Music:  REM's new album "sounds really classic." It has guitars and drums and EVERYTHING  Whitney Houston taking a crack at a new album  Ke$ha wants to leave people "visually and sonically violated." Mission accomplished

Business:  Toronto Stock Exchange up 100 points. Must have been playing against the Cleveland Cavaliers  Johnson & Johnson address tampon supply issues. Say they've plugged the holes in their distribution network, will have things running again in a month  Pecan farmers distressed by strangers handling their nuts. This story does not involve the TSA
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