From Unfreakable: No update from Drew this week, just some headlines that we thought were fun. Hope you enjoy them, too, if you missed any the first time around. Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2011-05-01 to Sat 2011-05-07:  Al-Qaeda will unleash a "nuclear hellstorm" if Osama bin Laden is captured. Good thing he wasn't captured then   Final Osama bin Laden message likely to surface soon. May include, "Is that someone at the door?"  Spanish court surprises everyone by imposing sentences of 439 years each to Somali pirates. Apparently no one expected quite a Spanish imposition  Thanks to Botox, teens on prom night will be just like your prom date: numb, expensive and incapable of showing emotion Osama grew weed at his compound and drank Pepsi while chanting 'death to America'. So basically he was a UC Berkeley student  Man, 100 and woman, 93 marry and become world's oldest newlyweds. Leaving today for honeymoon at Viagra Falls  Ring ring ring goes the trolley. Argh argh argh goes the worker trapped under it  Bin Laden's mansion worth only 25 percent of what he paid for it, meaning he'll be underwater for a long time  How was Osama Bin Laden killed? Here are the 72 versions Left handed people are more affected by fear, which researchers say has sinister implications Police arrest man for stealing stenography machines. He wants a short sentence Sports: Barkeep, give me an Alex Ovechkin -- that's a White Russian on ice with no cup Favre expresses desire to expose himself on camera again Pagan sidelined by injury. Heathen to fill in Geek: 2011: CERN physicists successfully preserve antimatter for 17 minutes. 2021: CERN physicists threaten to blow up the planet if their demands aren't met Scientists may have found a way to prevent Ebola infections, which is great news for people who were frankly tired of bleeding out of their eyes all the time Koalas have exactly the same fingerprints as humans. That means any one of us could be a secret koala agent Showbiz:  Homeless woman with poor vision but highly tuned sense of smell mistakes Paris Hilton for Lindsay Lohan  Daniel Radcliffe fancies Pippa Middleton, puts on his robe and wizard hat "Terminator 5" will NOT reunite the original cast. Michael Biehn goes back to staring at his phone Politics:  Current county commissioners commission county committee to commission county commissioner Prince Edward Island boasts 75% voter turnout, residents disappointed that fourth guy didn't bother  Former Bush Chief of Staff thinks Obama is bragging too much in the wake of bin Laden's death. Jeez, he's talking like Obama rode a jet fighter to an aircraft carrier and gave a speech in front of a Mission Accomplished banner Music: US appeals court rejects Phil Spector appeal, use of NewsFlash tag  Katy Perry's upbringing was so strict that her minister father wouldn't even let the family eat "deviled" eggs or own a Dirt Devil vacuum cleaner. Fortunately the Boob Fairy wasn't under similar restrictions Paul Stanley 1981: "If it's too loud, you're too old." Hip replaced, deaf Paul Stanley 2011: "IT'S TOO LOUD" Business: Siemens gets its profits all over the place  UBS agrees to pay $160 million and will stop putting the ports so close together Topless coffee shop gets ready to clothes
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Just think: If SEAL Team Six had killed Bin Laden early Friday morning, we might have escaped all that Royal Wedding coverage... News coverage of Bin Laden's death has blown pretty much every other story off the main page of news websites everywhere. Which is great, but even this is going to get old in a day or two. Still, a number of potential hooks to the story remain. Here's a few of them in no particular order. - Were the Pakistanis complicit or incompetent? Pakistan issued a formal statement saying that the death of Bin Laden shows the resolve of Pakistan to battle terrorism. Perfect answer, classic Ignore The Question 101. - Bin Laden "resisted". Those of us who know what this means are winking at each other. For everyone else, best if they not know. - News folks seem to mix up the words "Obama" and "Osama" a lot. Yesterday morning I heard the NPR lady do it, which would have been confusing as hell to anyone who tuned in just when she said "Obama was killed". I'm sure they would have eventually figured it out. I did it myself in the bar last night. Alcohol was a factor. It's too bad they buried bin Laden at sea, I would have loved to see if the Westboro Baptist Church would have protested that funeral. Note that an actual squad was sent into the compound, not huge bombs, drones, or robots. The reason why? We needed a body. Otherwise people would continue to insist for years that Bin Laden was actually born in Kenya. But if you think about it, there was one other really good reason to send a squad in rather than nuke the compound from orbit... The best part: we got Bin Laden's hard drive. Hilarity is sure to ensue. Also, my favorite Fark Headline of the media frenzy so far: "Final bin Laden message likely to surface soon. May include 'Is that someone is at the door?'" Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2011-04-24 to Sat 2011-04-30: Teen tries to feed shark, succeeds Inventor of the teleprompter dies. President Obama said to be at a "loss for words" News of the typewriter's death have been greatly exaggera ed As China ages, the youth in Asia will face difficult decisions Niger, pleas for help Former Miss Russia, living in NYC, previously arrested for forging prescriptions, now busted for shoplifting. Cops say she still hasn't gotten her Berings Strait Doctors to use magnets to battle ovarian cancer. Will work great on women who aren't bipolar Doctors reassure men everywhere that Short Penis Syndrome is mostly in your head. Your below-average, unimpressive, laughably small head Witnesses in Florida report seeing a UFO the size of a football field. They didn't notice an end zone on it, suggesting the UFO is from Michigan  Gabby Giffords needs a Shuttle launch postponement like she needs a hole in the head Three people injured at car wash in PG County. Thank goodness this didn't happen in NC-17 County Sports: Ron Artest wins NBA citizenship award for promoting community service, mental health awareness, not dating a Kardashian 2014 Special Olympics to be held in New Jersey. Somehow, we're not surprised Cubs to offer discounted beer and hot dogs in hopes that fans will be too drunk to notice they're watching the Cubs Geek: "We've created 18 atoms of anti-helium" say giggling scientists with super deep voices 1,716 Sony PlayStation 3s have been combined to create the only supercomputer that can't get online Full 3-D invisibility cloak in visible light will soon be revealed, according to empty podium with microphone Showbiz: A&E and Steven Seagal finally end squint-off AMC theaters to screen all three extended editions of "Lord of the Rings" movies in June. Or you could save some time and just walk to Mordor yourself  Kristen Stewart says the birth scene from the upcoming Twilight film was less disturbing than portrayed in the book, which is kind of surprising considering the heart of the story is a young girl's decision between bestiality and necrophilia Politics: Supremes: "You can't hurry law, no, you'll just have to wait" Former Maryland Governor to lie in state today. Current Maryland Governor to lie in state every day Lesbian cadet licked by West Point as her efforts to gain readmission are boxed out, snatching away her dreams and sweeping her ambitions under the carpet Music:  Woman succumbs to the sweet release of death at a Lady Gaga concert, but an unsympathetic EMT brings her back to life  Britney Spears bans cookie dough ice cream from world tour. Says that something white with a little bit of black and just sitting there reminds her too much of K-Fed Aretha Franklin to write C-O-O-K-B-O-O-K Business: That's a good e-commerce business model... FOR ME TO GROUPON Writer for SyFy movies starts own ice cream business. Flavors to include "Meh", "That was all right", and "Could've been better with a larger budget"  Weak second half forecast sends Brunswick's stock into the gutter. There's even talk of a 7-10 stock split. This could be it for them. Well, AMF
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From Unfreakable: No update from Drew this week, so enjoy the headlines. Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2011-04-17 to Sat 2011-04-23: Philadelphia Orchestra out of C notes The "uhhhs" and "umms" in our speech may be crucial to helping children learn to speak, according to the National Institute Of Why Is Bob Newhart So Freaking Awesome Kenyan wins Boston Marathon in 2 hours, 3 minutes, 2 seconds, which is faster than anyone has driven 26 miles in Boston Shi'ites getting Syrias Donald Trump declares: "I'm the last person Obama wants to run against". In other news, VP Joe Biden has assumed the duties of President until Obama's laughing fit ends Gary Busey's infant son hospitalized --- his teeth must be coming in Chemicals being spread over populated areas to prevent spread of wildfires in Texas. That's retardant Famous clown's organ may not be real. Don't let them big shoes fool you  "Five-week-old baby severely burned in cooking accident." This may be a modest proposal, but next time try wrapping the baby in foil to prevent accidents Large tornado, now arriving Gate 11... Gate 12... Gate 13 Syrian forces open fire on funeral procession. At least one dead Sports: Major League Baseball signs deal to broadcast games in Vietnam and China, thereby slowing down Asian economic surge by boring their citizens to death NFL expected to release schedule on Tuesday. Highlights are expected to be a Week 1 matchup of Nobody vs. Nobody, a Week 2 matchup of Nobody vs. Nobody, and a Week 3 matchup of the Bills vs. Nobody, but the Bills will still find a way to lose Grete Waitz, nine-time NYC Marathon winner and Olympic silver medalist dies at age 57. Subby goes back to eating cookie dough, satisfied with life choices Geek: Scientists attempt to determine if the arctic is coaled Honeycombs help cure cancer, yeah yeah yeah Carbon nanotubes could be used as synthetic brains, giving humanity at least a chance for a treaty with the zombies Showbiz: Bruce Willis to sell New York apartment at a loss. Yippie-ki-yay, market failure P-Diddy to make guest appearance on "Hawaii 5-0" which will soon change its name to "Hawaii" and then "5-0" before eventually being cancelled 'Bewitched' creator Sol Saks dies at 100. Actually he died at 82, but was replaced by another guy and nobody said a word Politics: Trump is richer than Romney, meaning he's a better businessman. Also has had more wives than Romney, making him the better Mormon Is Obama morphing into Bush? Worst. Power Ranger. Evar Department of Homeland Security accidentally loses 10 Libyan terrorists they brought to the United States. I just hope Doc Brown read that letter already Music: Blink 182 postpones European tour until they can find a way to travel back in time to 1994 Morrissey cries about his memoirs, everything else Annie Lennox not strong enough to tour, walk on broken glass Business: Volkswagen unveils sportier Beetle with more aerodynamic pterathorax Seagate seeks to expand, by spending some cache to raid Samsung's disk drive business Dollar falls to 15-month low against euro, yen, and any other currency that doesn't have the word "Zimbabwe" on it
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From Unfreakable: No blog posting from Drew this week, just some headlines that we liked. Hope you like them, too. Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2011-04-10 to Sat 2011-04-16: If you're an opera singer and your wife is giving birth at home, sometimes you have to duet yourself A year after Poland's political elite died in a plane crash in Russia, the two countries are arguing over a memorial plaque and where to bury the survivors 15-month old gets drunk at Applebee's after being served a margarita in his sippy-cup. If it's happy hour and you know it, clap your hands Israel warns travellers of possible violent attacks during Passover. Suggest stockpiling of lamb's blood, just in case Bad: Man falls out of 14th story window. Good: He survives. Sad: He still lives in Detroit Predator may have killed US Troops. This is not a repeat from 1987  Police.finalize() in Java Man invents car that runs on bourbon....just like subby Oil prices to drop next year, says Russian official with matching mini giraffes Americans reluctant to share sex; work details on the web. Wait, that should've been a comma Man dies after ute flips off bridge. Somewhere, some Southern judge is profoundly confused Sports: Despite rampant use of steroids, Bonds jury still hung Former Chicago Bears quarterback Bobby Douglass arrested for breaking into his girlfriend's home. Well, at least he managed to get through some kind of defense Lingerie football league picks Toronto as new franchise. Eager fans rush to get season's tickets in rows A, B, C, D and DD Geek: Player reaches level 85 in World of Warcraft without killing a single thing, ever touching a woman French resistance fighters used government-developed stank as a weapon in WWII. Subby has no idea why they're still using it, the war ended over 60 years ago Feds commandeer botnet, will***CARRIER LOST*** Showbiz: Holly Madison ignores Hugh Hefner's sweet wedding invitation. Hefner again trying to give a spoonful of sugar to make the Madison go down Kirstie Alley rips shirt off dance partner while on Oprah, wolfs it down with fries and a diet soda Christina Aguilera divorces Bratman, much to the delight of the Jroker Politics: Olympic gold medalist Carl Lewis eyeing New Jersey state Senate. Will run primarily on his impressive track record California Senate passes bill mandating landmark events in gay history be taught in public schools: Oscar Wilde's trial, the Stonewall riots, Tom Cruise's marriage Bad boys, bad boys, Ouagadougou. Ouagadougou when they come for you? Music: Catholic League accuses Madonna of using "offensive" Catholic imagery in her new video. Wait. I'm sorry. They're mad at Lady Gaga. Easy mistake to make Nate Dogg's home was foreclosed on two days after he died. Looks like the Feds finally regulated Great news for deaf people: Rebecca Black working on new EP Business: Hooters co-founder in legal winner-take-owl fight with chain Intuit turns to mobile software, seal blubber, igloos Company promotes eco-friendly burials, will turn frozen corpses into compost for plants. Guess you could say the 'soil-into-green' is people. Uh-oh
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From Unfreakable: No update from Drew this week, enjoy the headlines. Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2011-04-03 to Sat 2011-04-09: Vehicle crashes into Subway restaurant. Let us take a moment to honor our fallen heroes 32 killed in Congo crash. See, THAT is why I never participated in those things at wedding receptions Man attempting to hold up Apple Store learns that security guard's handgun "just works"  Drunk guy found with M&Ms in his pocket and a chicken in his pants. Or, as subby calls it, Tuesday Boy born without hands wins penmanship award, stumps experts 19-year-old woman disappears from nightclub. Authorities issue an all-oontz oontz oontz oontz oontz oontz oontz oontz oontz oontz oontz oontz oontz oontz oontz oontz oontz oontz oontz oontz oontz oontz oontz oontz oontz oontz oontz bulletin Scientists grow first eyeball in a lab, which is a huge breakthrough for just about everybody except paranoid people Ashley Judd details molestation, family drug abuse, and neglect in her new memoir "I'm Not the Fat One" There is a group home for alcoholic hipsters in Brooklyn. At least, there was until everybody heard about it Scientist becomes first person to pass insect-borne virus to someone else by sexual contact. Experts suggest: Before you get off, get OFF Northern Ireland police defuse a gigantic bomb that wasn't U2's latest album Sports: 10-year-old boy uses $8500 from his college fund to buy Refrigerator Perry his Super Bowl XX ring back. Fridge returns the favor by deciding not to eat the child LeBron buys a minority stake in Liverpool FC, will never walk alone. Not that the refs would call him for a walk anyway  Bost0n 5ucks Geek: Astronomers see star spewing material out of both ends. Must be in the constellation of Tequila One in five mammals are close to becoming extinct. Looking around the IT department here, I have a pretty good idea which ones Arctic ice, which was supposed to be gone by now, then supposed to be gone by 2013, will now be gone by 2016. Until next year, when it will be gone by 2020. If we don't act now, by 2100 it will be gone by 2500. EVERYBODY PANIC. SLOWLY Showbiz: Will Smith and his daughter Jaden will star in M. Night Shyamalan's new science fiction film. Early reports indicate that--wait, Jaden is his son? WHAT A TWIST After his soul crushing break-up with Jessica Biel, Justin Timberlake bravely lands on his feet, Olivia Wilde Kelly Ripa gets a wax figure at Madame Tussaud's. Unfortunately there's a dress on it though so you can't tell if her penis-navel was accurately sculpted Politics: NJ Councilman: Anyone who says I agreed to a bribe from a FBI informant is a liar. FBI: Here are the tapes. Councilman: Ahem. Chewbacca is a wookie Santorum now in Nevada, where it is considered a delicacy Evangelicals, conservatives, and NRA members are shunned from academia, reports a study by the Wedgie Institute for Nerd Studies Music: Miley Cyrus says she was misquoted when she said "It should be harder to be an artist. You shouldn't just be able to put a song on YouTube." Yes. Easy to see how that could be taken out of context Mary J. Blige plans on releasing a new album this September. Her legion of fan is undoubtedly excited Adam Ant wages war on digital age, claiming we're all computer-obsessed geeks and his new album won't be available online. Subby used the Internet to find out who Adam Ant is Business: Broken cruise control could lead to Mercedes bends One out of 10 mall stores are vacant, which may prove advantageous in the event of the Zombie Apocalypse Steve Wozniak could return to Apple, offset Steve Jobs' weight loss
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We had our first big World Fark Party last weekend. My expectations were definitely above average, but what actually ended up happening blew away the best possible outcome for the weekend. A ton of people, lots of friends connecting, laughter, and enough alcohol to fill Lake Mead. For those of you who weren't able to make it: first, I hope you can make it next year because we had a kickass time. Second, Naskar's parents and his brother Cam were thrilled and honored to be a part of the festivities, and they let everybody know that they're working with us to set up a community foundation in his name. More details on that later when we have them. Some thanks need to go out to those who agreed to come hang out with us, most notably our special guests: Bill Corbett of MST3K and Rifftrax, and Paul and Storm, who tore the roof off the sucker. I think I heard the same thing from at least a couple dozen people: "Man, I'd heard their stuff before but I had no idea how good it was in person." Also to Alex with Neatorama, who hosts our Fark Shop provided a lot of free schwag for us and was kind enough to help us get the shirts printed. The Nas-Con shirts will be available in a few days for those of you who wanted them but weren't able to get them on Saturday or Sunday. The staff at Treasure Island in Las Vegas was excellent and treated us right. Especially the five guys at the craps table friday and saturday night after midnight. I woke up both nights hung over with a full wallet AND my butt wasn't bleeding - a Vegas win if there ever was one. A lot of members of Fark took the lead in helping us get this off the ground and arranging some events. Thanks to Witchydiva for organizing the Vegas Strip Pub Crawl, to smells_like_meat for setting up and managing the Poker Tournament, to aquigley for being our emcee at the Saturday event. Thanks also go out to Yzziefrog for helping with the shirt designs, to E-Brake for offering to help with shirts and setting up the Sunday brunch, and to cyberchp for volunteering to man the sales table. Also thanks to punkrockgirl and Unfreakable for setting up and managing the event. To everybody who took time out of their schedule and spent their hard-earned money to get here, I hope you had a blast. Everyone I talked to sure as hell did. You all made this party what it was, because you all make this community what it is. I can't say that in any other way without sounding like I'm just spouting sentimental BS, but every word of it is true. Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2011-03-27 to Sat 2011-04-02: Indian Navy continues its impressive Cinderella run with another impressive victory over the pirates, including a double-double by its leading scorer with 16 pirates captured and 16 hostages freed VW adds a classic Beetle feature to the Jetta. If you use your horn, the engine shuts off  Statistics show Scottish wife battering increases dramatically during soccer matches. Those savages will eat anything Pro Gay Wrestling Federation not happy that WWE announcer tweeted gay slur and was not punished. In other news, Pro Gay Wrestling Federation and WWE not the same organization April Fools' Day is good for your heart, according to doctors who never woke up to the sight of a giant fake spider Ivory Coast rebels now control 99 44/100% of the country Residents angry after town's broken clock left unfixed. Wild-haired scientist and teenager who only responds to the name 'chicken' sought for questioning Airline flight is diverted after passengers and some of the crew began feeling sick. Why do people keep ordering the fish? 95 year-old World War II Veteran will get his U.S. Citizenship, Boston Celtics contract Bicyclists dream of bike path to ocean. Drivers dream of even longer bike path Treki defects from Libyan government, Ceti Alpha V Sports: Milwaukee Brewers get new high definition video scoreboard. Zeroes and K's now much easier to see Chad Pennington tears his ACL. Man, I hope that doesn't affect his ability to throw the football deep Cinderella is murdered. The Butler did it Geek: FD&C Yellow #6 linked with child hyperactivity. Good thing sugary snacks are never brightly colored NASA releases first image ever taken from orbit of Mercury. Scores about 0.86 on the Lohan Scale of Rugged-Looking IPod and other small devices to be powered by human heart instead of batteries. Subby's ex will still need to use a battery Showbiz: Roger Abbot dead. Jessica inconsolable Adam Sandler's latest film is his 12th to gross over $100 million at the box office. It's looking more and more like the Mayans were right Lady Gaga to be fashion consultant for V magazine. For all five of you who wear suits made of Muppet fur, this will be a glorious day Politics: Obama says Libya won't be another Iraq. By which we assume he means it won't be another Afghanistan. Meaning it won't be another Vietnam. Or another Korea. Or Is Growing Internet Use Polarizing Political Views? The answer is yes, you smug, sneering, empty-suit commie fascist A collection of pictures details Canadian PM Stephen Harper's ongoing efforts to convince the world that he really is a human being Music: Miley Cyrus slams Rebecca Black for exposing her proprietary hit-making formula: money, entitlement, auto-tune Yanni fires back at his critics. His critics fall asleep midway through reading it Minimalist composer Philip Glass + hiphop mashup is better than you'd expect, better than you'd expect, better than you'd expect Business: Interesting fact: Apple is worth more than the entire GDP of Portugal. Which tomorrow might be $3.89 Pepsi to meet diet cola drinkers halfway with new 60-calorie beverage called Pepsi Stop Your Damn Whining Russian car maker introduces the Yo-auto hybrid. Company expects big sales from its debut model The Adrian
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From Unfreakable: No update from Drew this week, so we're just giving you a quick update on Las Vegas. If you made plans to come but haven't registered, it's important that you do that as quickly as possible. Here is our Event Registration PageHere is the basic schedule of events: Thursday, Mar 31For people arriving on the 31st, we're going to do a pub crawl on the Strip. It'll start at the bar at Treasure Island before heading south down Las Vegas Blvd to about the Bellagio, across the street to Paris, and then north, hitting bars along the strip on the other side of the street until we hit the Venetian in a big, staggering loop. I'm trying to coordinate this with witchydiva who had started this. She has a Facebook page for the Vegas Casino Crawl here: http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=174951579223305 Friday, Apr 12PM - Treasure Island poker room First event is the Fark Texas Hold 'Em tournament in the poker room at Treasure Island. There are limited seats, so if you haven't already told farker smells_like_meat that you're going, do so quickly. There will be a quick tutorial a half hour before the poker tournament begins for people who want to participate, but aren't familiar with Hold 'Em or would like a quick refresher. 6PM - Kahunaville - Treasure Island The big party starts at 6PM, and it's scheduled for three hours. You can see the bar here: Kahunaville. Bring a spare drinking liver. Saturday, Apr 2In terms of formal events, the morning and afternoon are unscheduled. Different farkers are talking about making different trips, so this will let you get in with a group that might be doing something that interests you. 4PM-8PM - Treasure Island Ballroom AB This is the sitdown event. We have a bit at the beginning, including a few words from Naskar's mother, Drew on the microphone, Joe Peacock, Paul and Storm, and Bill Corbett. Beyond that, we're going to keep it relaxed and let everybody mingle. For a lot of people, Saturday's the last night, so we want everybody to get to know everybody and have a good time. So those are the basics. Can't wait to see you guys there. Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2011-03-20 to Sat 2011-03-26: Maryland Mansion destroyed in fire, still plans to release new album and tour later this year Man who had sex with horses released from prison, considered stable Woman hit and killed by monster truck. Funeral will be held on Sunday Sunday SUNDAY Aircraft in Australia forced down by inchworms in the instruments. Was allowed to resume flight once mechanics swapped them out for centimeter worms Captain Morgan's cannons found in Panama. Sink responsibly Stray cat rescued from soup can was hypothermic but is making great progresso Man uses divorce papers to burn down wife's beauty parlor. Split ends with permanent damage Thief takes a condom machine from a sports bar. It must have been robbed for her pleasure  Not again / For God's sake / How much more / Can we take / Burma Quake T☢ky☢ water still th☢ught t☢ be safe t☢ drink Historians in Virginia and North Carolina are arguing over which state lost more troops in the War Between the Stats Sports: Mets' owners say that Madoff trustee's allegations regarding their knowledge of Madoff's scam are as accurate as Ollie Perez's pitches India ends the Aussie cricket World Cup reign. You submitted this with a longer, more complex and passionate headline that nobody really understood The last time a Duke was murdered like this, it started World War I. Duke sucks Geek: Researchers discover protein that protects the body from the toxic effects of alcohol. Is it buffalo wings? Please god let it be buffalo wings Man does a 360 on a swing set while wearing a jet pack. That's a long way to go to settle a bet with Timmy Johnston from the second grade Google delays Honeycomb; yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not on time; no, no, no Showbiz: Elizabeth Hurley is 45. Elizabeth Hurley's ass is 23 After his little temper tantrum on GMA, Chris Brown apologizes, saying he is disappointed in himself and that dressing room just walked into a door "Fringe" renewed for season 4. Suck it, Friday night and your delicious strawberry-flavored death slot Politics: Tim Pawlenty becomes the latest white guy who thinks he can beat a Kenyan in a race Knock knock. Who's there? Orange. Orange who? John Boehner writes a letter to Obama about Libya Administration helpfully explains that what's happening in Libya isn't war, it's "kinetic military action." Widespread noncooperative terminal reduction in biodynamics is hell Music: Britney Spears' employees must sign non-disclosure agreement saying they won't provide Britney with drugs, alcohol, or any clothes that a normal person might wear Michael Stipe writes all of R.E.M.'s songs on his iPhone, which would explain such hits as Call Dropped, Weak Signal Blues, and GODDAMMIT I CAN'T CLEAN THESE FINGERPRINTS (reprise) Rebecca Black says she'll donate all the profits from her terrifying single Friday to Japanese relief efforts. This news brought to you on Thursday, the day before Friday Business: IRS says Florida leads the nation in the number of false returns filed from prison ... at least that's the con census AT&T is getting married to T-Mobile. There will be no reception afterwards Japanese auto manufacturing is starting to come back online after quake/tsunami/nuke disasters. Here come the Scions
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Well the news cycle seems to be hitting overload, as in there's so much going on that MSM is finally stretched to cover all of it. Unfortunately, I think this means that we're going right back to Charlie Sheen once this stuff is over. Kind of like how Alanis Morisette disappears for a couple years between albums and comes back sounding fresh - which lasts all of about a month and then you're tired of it again. So get ready for more Sheen weirdness after this news cycle ends. No, I'm not excited about it either. Regarding the current news cycle, look for more shlocky cute stuff than usual. When people become disturbed they become snark-avoidant. No need to worry about this happening on Fark, as long as we're randomly bombing middle-eastern countries and claiming it's due to "humanitarian aid" or "democracy", there will be enough cynicism to last for the full news cycle. Seriously, what the hell is the plan in Libya? That's likely a rhetorical question because I'm pretty sure there isn't one. Sure Laffydaffy is a jackass but do we know anything at all about the other guys? Looked more like a coup to me than a democratic uprising. BTW you know what the problem with democracy is? Sometimes we don't like who gets elected -- like Palestinians voting in Hamas. Yay democracy. Can we go back to Pax America now? Okay I think I've exhausted everything offensive I can say about that without bringing in cheap tsunami references. I noticed the other day that there are a few phrases I've caught myself saying in the past two weeks that I never thought I'd ever say, including: - Japanese multiple nuclear meltdown - French military offensive - I don't think Duke's going out in the first round I actually did have Duke out in the second round, and I was one last-second shot away from being right. So it goes. I'm not saying I'm some kind of basketball genius, I always pick Duke to go out early -- and when they do it's a jackpot for my bracket. However, when they don't, like last year, it doesn't work out so well. I'm still hanging in there bracket-wise but I picked KY to win it all as I was required to per state law. It could happen. I always make sure to enter pools that are out of state, everyone in state picks Kentucky which makes it less fun when they win it all. I don't think that will happen this year; however, if it is I look forward to having to give the title back four years from now. All right that's enough rambling, back to the coffee. Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2011-03-13 to Sat 2011-03-19: Deaf school teacher accused of luring minor for sex, prosecutor reportedly willing to accept plea in lieu of hearing Suicidal woman falls 100 feet inside new library. Reporters quickly calculating the number of stories If you lost two large bales of marijuana down the Arizona sewer system, the police would like a word with you. Also, if you are smoking Arizona weed there's a reason it tastes like some good shiat Opera patron assaults usher, police escort him from the aria Three people shot near Target. They probably should have stood farther away Election observers quit one month before polls in Djibouti. This could really shake shake shake, shake shake shake, shake Djibouti Mild-mannered earthquake shakes Ontario and Quebec, apologizes for rattling windows PoGo StIcKs ReCaLlEd BeCaUsE oF iNjUrY rIsK Illinois schools have fired more than 2,600 teachers this year, at least 600 of whom were not having sex with students Great Dane has 17 puppies by Cesarean section. Owner fined for littering US astronomers announce discovery of room temperature dwarf brown star. NASA immediately names it Gary Coleman Sports: Imminent NFL lockout does not threaten Madden 12 release. It will be so realistic that hitting "play now" will feature an empty stadium and right trigger will show owners cooking the books Adrian Peterson decries the "modern day slavery" of the NFL as he returns to his job of picking cotton -- or silk -- sheets for his guest house New York Mets drop Luis Castillo like a fly ball in the 9th inning with two outs against the Yankees Geek: NASA spacecraft now circling massive object that is not your wife, despite being super-hot on one side and super-cold on the other ICANN has .xxx domain names? Yes Research shows that when the human egg encounters a sperm, the egg offers key navigation help to the sperm through hormones. It's like back seat driving at a cellular level Showbiz: 15 vacation destinations every child under age 15 should see. The Champagne Room of the Vegas Spearmint Rhino just missed the cut Crowd enjoys Jodie Foster's Beaver. This is not a repeat from The Accused Laptops stolen from West Philadelphia school. With no leads and lacking any fresh prints, Will Smith replaces all 30 computers Politics: Rep. Chris Lee offers apology, refund, signed shirtless photo to all of his donors The F-35: A weapon that cost more than Australia. How much is that in Delawares again? PR Firm of completely benevolent and benign Koch Brothers banned from Wikipedia for "sock puppeting," which is the last thing you want to see on a Koch Music: Auction of 70 Eric Clapton personal guitars raises over $2 million for needy charity. Hopefully, this now gives them less to fret about Gwen Stefani says she couldn't write music after having kids. Some argue that sentence is three words too long Björk to debut new album, digitally-controlled pipe organ, a 30 foot pendulum that harnesses the earth's gravitational pull to create musical patterns... you know - the usual Business: AP writer can't understand why no one builds a grocery store in a town with no money. Also baffled by the way Kleenex keep popping up out of the box Horse hoof ankle length shoes for women now on sale in England. Perfect for the winter when the weather is Friesian General Mills in $1.1 billion takeover of Yoplait, hopes to avoid a culture clash
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From Unfreakable, Nothing new this week from Drew, but a quick update: Treasure Island agreed to extend the deadline to get the room rate, so for the next 48 hours or so, you can still be included (rumor is that the code FARKCOM doesn't work online; you need to call it in). Looking forward to seeing you in a couple weeks. Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2011-03-06 to Sat 2011-03-12: Canadian man dies when his ice house doesn't contain enough ig glue Israeli model bitten by snake after attempting to lick it. This is not a repeat from Genesis Scientists were just as happy to see the giant penis frog as he was to see them Rare 400 year old bible found in UK church. Described as being in near pristine condition with only four of the Ten Commandments broken Man files lawsuit claiming severed foot was stolen, says he's not sure what his next steps will be Giant condom placed on statue as tribute to inventor riles officials -- too bad they can't take some good-natured ribbing Chickens have empathy. Tasty, tasty empathy A Florida couple having sex in a car was charged with "unnatural behavior". I wonder what kind of sex counts as "unnatural behavior" in Florida. Maybe the lights were on and their eyes were open? Woman trying to rob bookstore is chased down by two men watching adult videos. Suspect caught before situation got out of hand Woman who faked cancer pleads guilty to tumor charges Japan quake so powerful it shifted the earth off its axis by 4 inches, sped up the earth's rotation by 1.6 microseconds, and shifted Japan's coastline by 8 feet. So - 4 inches CAN make the earth move and time stand still Sports: Steve Sabol stable after seizure by the seashore Pitchers may start wearing helmets, catchers may expect different sensation Kleenex stock goes through the roof on news that the Miami Heat have lost to another good team Geek: Ford Focus Electric to have liquid battery warmer so it keeps its range during the winter. Nissan Leaf comes with hot gel pack so you don't get frostbite as you wait for the tow truck Facebook adds suicide alert feature. Mood: slashy What do data mining companies know about you? Answer: Damn near everything. You sicko Showbiz: Kate Winslet is adjusting to single life but can't quite get beyond that one night with subby, whom she still refers to as her "mysterious stallion of the percales" before needing a fainting couch Kirstie Alley's "Dancing With The Stars" partner reportedly 'impressed' with her efforts, structural integrity of the floor Khloe Kardashian wonders why she can't get pregnant. Fails to realize that husband Lamar Odom still has trouble putting it in the hole when the game is on the line Politics: Sen. John Ensign retiring to spend more time with your wife Obamas attend daughter's parent-teacher conference. Intimidated English teacher now suffering from post-grammatic stress disorder Scott Walker says he's not interested in being a GOP VP candidate. Normally, we'd say something snarky about not wanting something no one in their right mind would ever offer, but then we remembered the last GOP VP candidate Music: The members of Big Head Todd and the Monsters serenade the crew of the space shuttle Discovery, making the crew fear they had entered some worm hole in outer space and got teleported back to 1994 Gene Simmons wants to Rock and Roll all night and invest in a diversified portfolio of domestic and international small and large caps every day Chinese censors approve performance by Bob Dylan after realizing that nobody can understand what the fark he's saying in any language Business: SEC workers that looked at porn on the job disciplined. Say, "Insider Trading" would be a great name for a porn "Oil prices are not yet hurting the economy" says Exxon CEO as he collects his $27,168,317 paycheck Google stock down 4% for the year. Company punishes four top execs with $9 million in bonus money
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From Unfreakable: No update from Drew this week; enjoy the headlines. See you guys in Vegas. Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2011-02-27 to Sat 2011-03-05: I said, THERE'S STILL NO EXPLANATION FOR LAST MONTH'S HERRING LOSS For 75 years, woman plays piano weekly for her church. Credits her longevity to watching her keys and pews Chinese farmer awaits an artifical asshole. Then, after James Franco's visit, he'll need surgery as well New Jersey woman steals valuable church crucifix. Police nab her after brief cross examination Tennessee would like its own currency. But is meth a stable enough standard? Mary Lee Ditto given 10 days in jail for furnishing alcohol to a minor. Mary Lee Ditto given 10 days in jail for furnishing alcohol to a minor The Supreme Court rules that, yes, the Constitution protects your right to be an asshole. In writing for the majority, Chief Justice Roberts added, "Goddamnitsomuch" Sirhan Sirhan denied denied parole parole Man successfully walks through 7 lanes of interstate traffic to retrieve hubcap he spotted in median. Too bad he needed 8 lanes to complete the level Sailor fighting U.S. Navy discharge after getting caught in bed with another male sailor says he's not gay -- they just fell asleep watching "The Vampire Diaries." Dude, you need to stop talking Two men arrested for poaching deer and serving the meat at Super Bowl party. Stealers lose again Sports: FAP motion fizzles out after four members take matters into their own hands and a load off of the president, who no longer has to hold his own Collect your winnings if you had "22 months" in the "When Will JaMarcus Russell Lose His House?" pool Bob Sanders shakes hands on one-year deal with San Diego, dislocates shoulder Geek: Federal researchers, who clearly hang out in different bars than I do, declare the eastern cougar officially extinct Smartphone market share in a pretty graph - and if you'll notice, Android doesn't even make the cut. iCan't imagine why Florida man finally grows eight-pound turnip. Tells friends he's now beet. Just wants to go home, read the pepper, take a leek endive into bed Showbiz: ABC is casting for a new show tentatively called "Good Christian Biatches." One assumes that name will be changed The 31st annual Razzie Award winners have been announced. In a stunning twist, M. Night Shyamalan sweeps yet again Simon Pegg says the Star Trek 2 script is "amazing." Yes. We all agree, Wrath of Khan was the best of the Star Trek films. Thanks for reminding us Christina Aguilera arrested for public intox after failing sobriety test, by oversinging the wrong letters to the alphabet Mel Gibson calls Charlie Sheen to offer his support. Two now set to co-produce a buddy cop sex tape The 10 most paused moments in movie history. Have these people never heard of Fast Times at Ridgemont High? The AV Club revisits the cultural significance of "Clarissa Explains it All." Or, as Subby calls it, "A Televised Introduction to Onanism" Jessica Simpson is: A) desperate for love; B) a ravenous lover of snacks and fast food; C) always drunk. Difficulty: pick one Colin Firth being demoted from king to knight. Check mate Fox News: You can beat the TSA by putting someone else's DNA in your mouth. Fark: Of course it was Steve Doocy who suggested it, as he likely has had a lot of different DNA in his mouth Politics: GAO issues first report on Government waste and duplication. Many more expected to follow Sarah Palin thinks that military funerals are more important than the first amendment. On the bright side, Sarah Palin can now name TWO Supreme Court cases she disagrees with. Take that, Couric Unemployment rate drops to 8.9% as new jobs are created to clean up after Charlie Sheen Music: Thieves try and sell $2 million violin for $150 with no strings attached UK's Download Festival turns down Metallica, saying they are "boring", evidently tired of that one Metallica song that goes from F#m to E. No, not that one. The other one. No, not that one. Yeah, that one that sounds like that one Mariah Carey embarrassed about performance linked to Gadhafi. In other news, next week's Sweet 16 concert still on for Ashley Hitler Business: US Uncut protests that the banks don't pay their tip of the taxes, and that they're giant dicks Blue Cross of Massachusetts rewards CEO for $149 million loss with $11 million severance pay. No wonder it's a nonprofit Rupert Murdoch gets UK government approval to complete buy-out of satellite broadcaster BSkyB, build Death Star that only flies to the right
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