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Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2009-01-04 to Sat 2009-01-10
Posted by Drew at 2009-01-12 1:54:58 PM, edited 2009-01-14 2:59:44 PM (53 comments) | Permalink

It's not Fark it's News:

Normally I add a short note about what's going on in the world that's more important than the missing white chick of the week or shark attacks. However on Friday I had knee surgery and they gave me some great pain pills so I unfortunately have no idea what's going on in the world. The surgery went well but took an unexpected turn. The actual scheduled operation was to trim up some cartilage but I told the doc that while he was in there he might as well clean up anything else he could reach. So he shaved some cartilage, smoothed out two bone spurs, one cyst from an old injury dating back to high school probably, a ton of scar tissue, and a couple other things that I can't read because they're in doctorese. Amazingly I feel better after surgery than I did before it.

Headlines Of The Week for Sun 2009-01-04 to Sat 2009-01-10:

img1.fark.net  Alright, stop, collaborate and listen. Boston's back with a brand new edition. 34 photos grab hold of you tightly, taken during day and some of them nightly. Ice Ice baby  img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Fire at London cannabis factory ties up 300 firefighters and 35 pizza delivery boys for several hours  img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Canadian marooned in dunes of Khartoum since June, swoons for loons and Saskatoon  img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Barbie turns 50, finally accepts she will die childless and alone  img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Woman dies after goldmine fall. AU NOES  img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Woman trapped in bathtub for 4 days. "The woman's condition was not available." Submitter's not a doctor, but I'm going to guess "wrinkly"  img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Woman fired for taking blunt knife to IRS workplace, Sikhs compensation  img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Paraplegic fisherman survives 15 hours floating in the sea. Friends say it's good to have Bob back  img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Headline: Alzheimer's drugs doubles death risk. Apparently your risk of death is now 200%  img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Criminal 1: I can't believe we just stole this guy's BMW. Criminal 2: This phone I just stole got a text message from someone who claims they have hot chicks and drugs and wants to meet. Criminal 1: He sounds legit. Let's meet him  img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Disney adds 30 defibrillators throughout resort. Zap-a-dee-doo-dah  img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Burglar gets beaten off by 94-year-old man, now knows how all those choirboys feel  img.fark.net


Sports:

img1.fark.net  Portland State defeats Northern Arizona in four overtimes. Because five would have just been excessive  img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  What do Dale Earnhardt Sr. and Pink Floyd have in common? Their last big hit was the wall  img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  FSU/USF to play in Palindrome Bowl  img.fark.net


Geek:

img1.fark.net  Scientists find gene that makes cancer spread. Still no cure...DEAR GOD now they are just making it worse  img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Mosquitoes' wings sound to make sweet, sweet music when they're having sex, presumably to make up for the tiny pricks  img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Johnson & Johnson aims to create schizophrenia drug that treats symptoms current drugs don't treat. Like that man with the empty face who is looking over my shoulder STOP LOOKING AT ME I GAVE YOU THE BAG OF DYNAMITE ALREADY


Showbiz:

img1.fark.net  Kate Hudson and Anne Hathaway may have had a falling out. Maybe they should wrestle around a little, not too rough, just kinda light and playful...maybe one pins the other and their lips come oh so close. What? Oh sorry, lost my train of thought

img1.fark.net  "Biggest Loser" contestant arrested for throwing flour in the face of her tenant, which she didn't think was illegal since her husband has to throw flour on her every night  img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  MTV Exec receives box of poop. Immediately schedules it between "Bromance" and "Rob & Big"  img.fark.net


Politics:

img1.fark.net  Boehner is extremely concerned about the size of the package and whether it will provide enough stimulus  img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Obama's mother-in-law moving into White House. This is bad news... for Obama  img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  In his Boobies-campaign misstep, Obama sent e-mail without asking for money  img.fark.net


Business:

img1.fark.net  Steve Jobs says he's been diagnosed with a hormone imbalance, which could affect his iMmune system  img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Lenovo deletes 2,500 entities  img.fark.net

img1.fark.net  Circuit City in talks with "two interested parties" - the IRS and the Grim Reaper  img.fark.net
· · ·

Update from Drew: Fark's a category on Jeopardy today and the 10th Anniversary Fark Party may happen in extra cities (bumped)
Posted by Drew at 2009-01-07 4:28:08 PM (453 comments) | Permalink

Hey ever-bo-dee

A couple of things of note. First off, Fark's a category on Jeopardy on Friday, Jan 9th again, it's an all new episode. That's pretty much all I know about it. Check your local listings for times, it's syndicated so no telling when it's coming on that day. Last time no one got any of the questions (answers?) right. Apologies for the short lead time, I've got knee surgery pending on Friday so I've been distracted with that.

Secondly, it seems the 10th Anniversary Fark Party is a tad more popular than I expected. I figured we'd get maybe like 10 people there. Didn't realize people would be organizing caravans from Tampa, Chicago, etc. As it turns out, I have to travel around that week anyhow so I'm gonna try to extend my trip and hit a few extra cities. Tentatively:

Vancouver
San Francisco-ish
Vegas
Lexington (as previously announced)
DC

Dunno where else. Stay tuned

Anyhow sorry that was so short but I gotta dash. Coming soon: more on bad ads (short version: we didn't authorize it, Fark isn't the only site it happened to, and we're going to kill whoever's responsible and I'm not exaggerating), and the continuation of the discussion of how Fark's ban system works. Got sidetracked on a bunch of things but expect both of those soon. Rock on peeps
· · ·

Congratulations to the winners of Fark's 2008 Headline of the Year contest
Posted by Drew at 2009-01-01 10:31:24 AM (156 comments) | Permalink

by Unfreakable

Welcome to Fark's Headline of the Year contest for 2008. We began putting this together a few years ago to give special recognition to the funny submitters that have given us all so many laughs over the course of the year, and also as a way to recap some of our favorites. Although there are a lot of funny headlines here, there are a lot more that were great but ultimately didn't get enough votes to make this contest. We listed those quarterfinals threads after the winning threads below if you want to check them out. Below are the results of the Headline of the Year contest based on your votes.

The Top Twenty Headlines of 2008:

20: PETA activist changes her name from Rachel Feather to Rachel FishingHurts. One letter off from a new career in porn img.fark.net

19: A Cambridgeshire church has lost its "Spitting Vicar". The English language, however, has gained another euphemism for "Penis" img.fark.net

18: Explosion at winery leaves workers weak bodied with a rich red hue, containing discernible hints of charred debris and strong character best described as dead img.fark.net

17: Last German WWI veteran dies at age 107. WE WIN img.fark.net

16: Woman who had phone sex with a man claims he raped her... over the phone. Man says that is impossible, he doesn't even work for Verizon img.fark.net

15: Teacher found guilty of cramming 13 people at once into his Volvo. Paris Hilton congratulates him on breaking her record before realizing she misunderstood the statement img.fark.net

14: 2 charged in stabbing of 3. In related news, 6 in hiding over fears that 7 8 9 img.fark.net

13: Gerbil causes 3-car accident; article doesn't say which gere he was in at the time img.fark.net

12: Father of two crushed to death after falling into printing press. This story is continued on Pages 3, 4, 9 and 10 img.fark.net

11: MILFish math teacher learns that 17 does not go into 35 without a serious remainder img.fark.net

10: Now that certain words -- like the other word for donkey -- must be filtered on the Internet: President Abraham Lincoln was buttbuttinated by an armed buttailant after a life devoted to the reform of the U.S. consbreastution img.fark.net

9: Disagreements shake Djibouti. Shake, shake, shake. Shake, shake, shake. Shake Djibouti img.fark.net

8: Oral sex study finds that people only read the first two words of web headlines img.fark.net

7: Two swimmers dead, Juan Moore missing img.fark.net

6: Smoking named 'the most offensive thing you can do in someone else's house', narrowly edging out "their wife" img.fark.net

5: Baptist minister calls birth control "murder." Your mom's face now a crime scene img.fark.net

4: One armed girl swims circles around competition img.fark.net

3: You are what your mother eats. So, if you turn out to be a bit of a dick, you know why img.fark.net

2: "Spam King" sentenced to 47 months of having his inbox filled with unsolicited male img.fark.net

And the #1 Headline of 2008 is:

1: Five killed and dozens injured in perfume factory fire. EAU DE HUMANITY img.fark.net


Headline candidates for each quarter:

January - March



· · ·

Headlines of the week, 12/8 through 12/14: autism, magnet swallowing, Greece fires, and a little dig at Boston because we never forgot 1/31/07. Bonus: Drew explains why there's so much SEX in the news lately
Posted by Drew at 2008-12-15 1:22:38 PM, edited 2009-01-19 3:46:47 AM (35 comments) | Permalink

It's Not Fark It's News: I'm happy to say that, for two weeks in a row now, pretty much nothing is going on. You can expect all of MSM's available bandwidth to get eaten up by "9/11 but with Shoes" through at least Wednesday, maybe til the end of the week. Everyone's just biding time until xmas break starts and we can go straight to nonstop canned articles.

Speaking of which, today's seasonal canned article would like to remind us that it is the USPS Busiest Day of the Year. I can't imagine many people even read it, pretty much all the content exists in the tagline. It's the Post Office, it's busy. The rest of the article has to just be on-the-spot interviews and a quick look at the article confirms this.

Last week, you may have noticed a huge uptick in two types of articles: articles about sex, and unnecessary slide shows without thumbnails. Most media outlets have end of year traffic quotas on their sites. Normally the quotas are used to determine end of year bonuses. However in a layoff-happy business climate (coupled with an endless downturn in media income), end of year traffic quotas quickly become an excuse to eliminate positions if the quota isn't hit.

The solution: run articles that people click the hell out of -- and nothing drives the clicks quite like sex and slideshows. If you can combine the two, even better. I started compiling a list of sex articles Friday afternoon and within an hour found the following examples:

New Scientist: Fertile women easier to hit on AND are daughters in law to blame for menopause

Fox News: Firstborns more likely to be virgins longer AND 4 common drugs that sabotage your sex life

IndyStar: Meet the woman who works at the Indy Sex Institute

Everyone: teens share cellphone sex photos AND Jennifer Aniston poses in nothing but a tie (slideshow) (Google for your own links)

There are a ton more today, including such gems as Former pornstar quits job as lunch lady AND Teenager sends 20 nude photos to friends

One final note: were also starting to see the first "TOP [ARBITRARILY CHOSEN X] OF 2008" articles rolling in. Expect a ton of those mixed in with articles about sex, slideshows, and canned seasonal pieces.


Headlines of the Week, December 8 - December 14, 2008

New study finds magnet-swallowing is linked to autism. Was previously considered a bipolar disorder img.fark.net

Baker trapped in lift for 13 hours -- for anyone else it would've only been 12 img.fark.net

Cardboard warehouse on fire. Perhaps not the best choice in building materials img.fark.net

Truman man wanted for soliciting boy for sex. The only question is when we find him, Dewey beat him? img.fark.net

Giant garlic cloud engulfs the south of England: Things haven't been this bad since the French invaded in 1066 img.fark.net

Boston parking offenders can now pay their tickets with toys... NO LITE-BRITES img.fark.net

Teacher tells children the truth about Santa Claus. (Warning: spoiler in article) img.fark.net

China introduces "pyjama police" to crack down on people wearing nightgowns on the street. That's laceist img.fark.net

Riots, arson continues in Athens. Doesn't anybody know how to put out a Greece fire? img.fark.net

One-fifth of the world's coral is already dead. That's quite atoll img.fark.net

Report: Cancer to be world's top killer by 2010. Subby happy he's a Leo img.fark.net

Top Headline for each tab:

Sports:
C.C. Sabathia agrees to deal with Yankees as there is no way he could turn down a team with over 140 million years of tradition img.fark.net

Titans DT Albert Haynesworth received 30 days of probation and paid a $1,000 fine for a speeding ticket he received in March for going 103 mph. In other news, there is a car that has enough power to go 103 mph with Albert Haynesworth in it

Playing tailback for the Denver Broncos is a lot like playing drums for Spinal tap img.fark.net

Geek:
Dimmest twin stars ever discovered. Surprisingly, not an article about Mary-Kate and Ashley img.fark.net

Much like a middle-aged businessman on a Tokyo train, happiness rubs off on others img.fark.net

The first cow says, "Artificial insemination? I don't believe it." The second cow says, "It's true. Straight up. No bull." img.fark.net

Showbiz:
Company to auction off the boat that inspired "Jaws." You're gonna need a bigger bid img.fark.net

Festivus pole to be displayed at Washington capitol. Let the airing of the grievances begin img.fark.net

Michael Jackson dissappointed to learn baby shower doesn't mean what he thinks it means img.fark.net

Politics:
Israel wants to snip the tip off of the West Bank in peace deal img.fark.net

Kucinich: It's "unfair and insane" that Obama hasn't put him in the cabinet. Fark: It's "unfair and insane" that Kucinich ended up with Mrs. Kucinich img.fark.net

Illinoje Gojevernor Rod Blagojevich arrestjevid jon federlag corruptigojn chlargesich img.fark.net

Business:
3M sends 1800 employees pink post-it notes img.fark.net

Krispy Kreme loss widens in 3rd quarter, hindquarter img.fark.net

Sony makes 8000 walk, man img.fark.net
· · ·

Headlines of the Week, 12/1 - 12/7, with a weather report thrown in by Drew for good measure
Posted by Drew at 2008-12-08 3:00:18 PM, edited 2009-01-19 3:55:22 AM (34 comments) | Permalink

It's Not Fark It's News: geopolitically, we're in a holding pattern as India continues to build its case for invading Pakistan by making demands that the Pakistanis can't possibly make good on. Of course this gives India the excuse it's looking for to invade. Case in point: Stratfor reports that all major Indian military officials have canceled all activities in January. Perhaps they have something else to do that month?

So while we wait for that subcontinent to go to hell, I'd like to take a moment to talk about the weather. First off, I highly recommend everyone watch the video submitted by farker El Dangeroso (who is Ben Bowman himself) today. His commentary on local news weather coverage is hilariously dead on. Saturday morning, central Kentucky was hit by nearly a quarter inch of snow. Over 100 accidents were reported in the next couple hours. Canadians no doubt find that hilarious. It did remind me though to make a quick point about how Fark does weather coverage, in particular our gags regarding Global Warming. I've always found it amusing that people will use recent weather occurrences to either prove or disprove global warming. "See it was cold last week, global warming is a myth!" "See it was hot last week, global warming will kill us all!" I'm no climatologist so I don't know one way or the other if global warming is happening or not. I am however a fan of Pascal's Wager, and I've made my decision based on that. At any rate, I'm a huge fan of the snap-judgment global warming call, so expect to see that one recur pretty much from now til forever.

Also, Duke sucks.

Headlines of the Week, December 1 - December 7, 2008

Pollution causes smaller penises. Vicious cycle for Hummer drivers img.fark.net

Man shot dead in Grapevine, at least that's what I heard img.fark.net

Conservative members of Episcopal Church try to beat off pro-gay faction, end up with schism on their hands img.fark.net

Man arranges to meet 15-year-old girl for sex :-( But the "girl" was a police officer. :-O Man claims he was entrapped by officer's use of emoticons in email. :- | Man now has to guard his (_|_) img.fark.net

Fire damages famous Hollywood strip club. Engines still responding from as far away as Maine img.fark.net

Six people arrested for smuggling ivory, now facing up to 99.44 years in prison img.fark.net

You are what your mother eats. So, if you turn out to be a bit of a dick, you know why img.fark.net

Indian authorities had warnings of Mumbai terrorist operations nine days prior to attacks but "it got lost in the computer system". If only there was a country that offered tech support img.fark.net

White teacher binds two black students to teach the class about slavery. Jewish students seen changing classes before the Holocaust chapter img.fark.net

Man accused of assaulting his girlfriend multiple times with a McDonald's cheeseburger. I hope he fries img.fark.net

Titusville man gets four years for sexually assaulting dog. He thanks the judge, but says he really only needs 20 minutes, tops img.fark.net

Top Headline for each tab:

Sports:
Barber a game-time decision for Dallas Cowboys. Manicurist doubtful, gynecologist probable img.fark.net

The "new" formation that's all the rage in the NFL was actually invented 102 years ago by Pop Warner, that's right, Kurt Warner's dad img.fark.net

Jets DE Shaun Ellis says he's ready to "face the music" after his pot arrest, as long as it's something mellow, like maybe some Marley or Mingus img.fark.net

Geek:
Car maker unveils a vehicle powered by household garbage. However, it can only reach 88 mph img.fark.net

US military's megawatt-class airborne laser passes another test, will soon demonstrate its destructive powers against Alderaan img.fark.net

Robotic device could help stroke patients. Giggity img.fark.net

Showbiz:
Guitarist suing Coldplay for plagiarism. Authorities baffled as to why he'd want credit img.fark.net

Jessica Simpson watches a Discovery Channel special on the Da Vinci Code and is now interested in Theology. Which is like watching Schoolhouse Rock and wanting to become a Senator img.fark.net

Bond's underwater Lotus sold at auction. New owner struggling to get the smell of fish from back seat img.fark.net

Politics:
Minnesota recount still in progress, officially surpassing Stuart Saves His Family as the longest, most tedious thing Al Franken is responsible for img.fark.net

Iraqi officials have finished debating what to do with Saddam Hussein's cousin "Chemical Ali", and the solution is they're going to barium img.fark.net

"India demands action from Pakistan." Pakistan hints that maybe India should try to be a bit more romantic from time to time. A shower couldn't hurt either img.fark.net

Business:
Ryanair boss circles and swirls, pokes and probes, contemplates taking another lick at Aer Lingus img.fark.net

Danish CEO wanted for fraud turns self in to Los Angeles police, escapes death when officers figure out he doesn't have a cream cheese center img.fark.net

While North America is shedding jobs, more people than ever required in the Yukon. Canadian government recommends you bring your driver's license so you can remember what sex you are when stuff freezes off img.fark.net
· · ·

Possibly the most entertaining Headline of the Week roundup we've had so far. Also, Drew's It's Not Fark It's News update
Posted by Drew at 2008-12-01 2:09:15 PM, edited 2009-01-19 4:00:30 AM (42 comments) | Permalink

As we mentioned last week, the lame ass "How Much Do The 12 Days of Christmas Cost This Year" advertisement/article ran today. "How fast Santa needs to move to hit all the houses in the world" hasn't appeared yet, though... So look out for that one. Interestingly the "European Condom Sizes" article showed up again out of the blue. That particular article has been popping up every so often for years now, I haven't figured out what schedule it's on. Easy media fodder because it talks about penises (peni?).

It's not Fark it's News: last week the Mumbai terrorist attacks were obviously the biggest thing going on. Two things of interest there so far:

1) no one knows yet what the motives were in the attacks.

2) Pakistan says it may move troops to the Indian border in response to any (likely forthcoming) moves by India to do the same.

The only troops available are busy not looking for bin Laden on the western border with Afghanistan. Theoretically this means a tougher time for US operations over there, personally I think it'd help to move Pakistan's troops out of the way so they don't get hit by unilateral strikes into Pakistani territory. Anyhow it's a giant clusterf*ck, especially when both India and Pakistan have nukes.

Ok, enough of that, on to our headlines:

Headlines of the Week, November 24 - November 30, 2008

One armed girl swims circles around competition img.fark.net

2 charged in stabbing of 3. In related news, 6 in hiding over fears that 7 8 9 img.fark.net

Autopsy reveals that Chicago-area college student died from nitrous oxide; police warn students that when a problem comes along, you must not whippet img.fark.net

First known set of conjoined American Indian twins to be separated, and how img.fark.net

Riot at Nerf factory: Thank God no one was hurt img.fark.net

Two 'Я' Dead img.fark.net

World's second oldest person gets bumped to the head of the line img.fark.net

First Ann Coulter has her jaw wired shut, now Rachel Ray is having vocal chord surgery. Sorry atheists, the argument's over and you lose img.fark.net

British Santa fired for violating elf and safety rules img.fark.net

More Britons believe in aliens than in God. Considering they also believe they'll win another World Cup, this is not all that surprising img.fark.net

Top Headline for each tab:

Sports:
Olympic officials reduce modern pentathlon to four events by combining running and shooting portions. Geez, my mom won't even let me run with scissors img.fark.net

Browns running back says he's confused with the team's playcalling. Specifically the part where the team is calling plays to throw to a guy with hands harder than Chinese algebra img.fark.net

Patriots Special Teams Ace, Je'rod Cherry, is auctioning off his first super bowl ring in order to raise money for charity. Part of the proceeds will go toward teaching New England sports fans the meaning of the word "humble" img.fark.net

Geek:
Blueberries shown to help reduce memory loss; as opposed to blackberries, which are a leading cause of mental retardation img.fark.net

The Japanese say that they have the first robot that can act on stage. America disagrees, unveils Keanu Reeves img.fark.net

Astronomers discover adolescent galaxies, characterized by a high number of moons img.fark.net

Showbiz:
Man at Coldplay concert dies of something besides embarrassment img.fark.net

Horatio, Sans 100 Lbs img.fark.net

In most stunning comics twist since Lucy pulled that football away from Charlie Brown, DC Comics editor announces Bruce Wayne is not dead img.fark.net

Politics:
Iran claims it has successfully Photoshopped another rocket into space img.fark.net

Obama introduces new seating chart for reporters at press conference. One section is "Cubs", the other is "White Sox". Reporters in Cubs section have to wait 100 years to ask a question img.fark.net

Barack HUSSEIN Obama announces creation of Economic Recovery Advisory Board, or as he likes to call it, "E-RAB" img.fark.net


Business:
As Woolworths closes its doors for the last time, a nation reminisces. Mainly about Saturday Girls in tight uniforms img.fark.net

♫ There was a peaceful town called Rockridge, where people shopped in harmony. They never had no kind of Wal-Mart, there was no hint of misery ♪

Panasonic cuts annual profit forecast by 39% on news that 98% of consumers thought they went out of business in the late '80s img.fark.net


(Music and Video headlines are not included)
· · ·

Last week's demographics survey results are in. Short version: real boobs takes 93% of the vote, fake boobs head to the turkey farm
Posted by Drew at 2008-11-24 3:57:00 PM, edited 2008-11-24 4:47:15 PM (333 comments) | Permalink

Thanks to the over 12,000 folks who filled out our survey, we really appreciate it. Here are the results as promised.

Real boobs blew fake boobs away in the voting yet again, this time an even stronger response in favor of real boobs.

Survey results can be found at http://www.fark.com/cgi/survey.pl?results=81120

I'll be posting some other fun stuff next week most likely, in the meantime I hope everyone has a great Thanksgiving. Also if you happen to be passing through Lexington KY on your way to anywhere in the next few days drop me an email, I'd love to grab a beer if possible. You can help me drink all those shots I have to do
· · ·

Headlines of the Week: 11/17 - 11/23. Smoke 'em if you got 'em
Posted by Drew at 2008-11-24 1:59:23 PM, edited 2009-01-19 4:07:20 AM (33 comments) | Permalink

This week's headlines had a lot fewer puns, but it really bumped it up in the subtlety department. There are about three very subtle headlines this week mixed in.

It's not Fark it's News: this isn't news per se: expect a real lack of anything interesting going on this week.

Media folks are all on vacation. Expect the space to be filled up with articles on Black Friday, Cyber Monday, and how both are just urban legends. That will be followed next week by the "commercial masquerading as news" on how much the 12 days of Xmas cost this year, complete with made-up justifications for the increased costs of Lords of Leaping as relates to the real estate crash or some such crap. That will be followed soon after by recalculations of how fast Santa needs to fly to hit all the houses in the world on xmas night.

In a nutshell we're moving into the height of canned article season.

Headlines of the Week, November 17 - November 23, 2008

Smooth, long-lasting fire breaks out at Atlanta cigarette warehouseimg.fark.net

Half of women subject to urinary infection. Submitter hopes it's the lower halfimg.fark.net

Snoop Dogg's house under threat from CA fires. Thousands rush to get downwindimg.fark.net

Scammer made $3 million in illegal eBay sales. Or, after eBay and Paypal fees, $271img.fark.net

Flight attendant lands plane after pilot's mental breakdown. I guess he never got over Macho Grandeimg.fark.net

Astronette lubricating joint experiences eruption, prematurely lets go of sack. Climax of mission so farimg.fark.net

Man arrested for beating his girlfriend with undisclosed type of sandwich; possibly a clubimg.fark.net

Christopher Lloyd loses $11 million house to California fire. If only there were some way to go back in time and warn himimg.fark.net

Coroner's inquest into man who cut off his own head with chainsaw is complete; turns out he died by cutting off his own head with chainsawimg.fark.net

Man faces drug charges for peddling cookie dough and Orajel as crack, not realizing that Girl Scout thin mint cookies are already classified that wayimg.fark.net

Top Headline for each tab:

Sports:
Pacman gets 10,000 points, another lifeimg.fark.net

There are 68 bowl slots, but only 61 teams have enough wins to go to one. So Michigan may get an invite to the R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl, the Roady's Humanitarian Bowl, or the Sucks to Be You Bowlimg.fark.net

Mussina to retire. Loggins devastatedimg.fark.net

Business:
EU planning giant stimulus package. Still can't compete with American package, although they're uncutimg.fark.net

Walgreen sees growth even during tough times, because who ISN'T a sucker for cheap store-brand aspirin, and buy-one-get-one-free enemas?img.fark.net

Ford unloads Mazda stake to avert doom doomimg.fark.net

Geek:
Egotistical scientists seek media coverage after identifying Copernicus' remains, not realizing the world doesn't revolve around themimg.fark.net

Quantum computing takes a step ahead - or a step back. No one's really sureimg.fark.net

Schoolboy collapses and goes into convulsions playing World of Warcraft, which inadvertently gives him more exercise than he's had for monthsimg.fark.net

Showbiz:
Hugh Jackman named "sexiest man alive", "best porn name"img.fark.net

Georgia rapper gets 20 years for admitting to a shooting in a song. Vicki Lawrence still at large for double homicideimg.fark.net

Cate Blanchett reveals that the secret to a happy marriage is spooning. Subby would quite happily spoon Cate, but only if the forking was goodimg.fark.net

Politics:
Obama gets a brain, selects Moran as White House communications director. Go USAimg.fark.net

Former hotel workers recall JFK's last supper. He had a choice of steak or fish but had the lasagnaimg.fark.net

A sampling of contested ballots in the Coleman/Franken recount. Subby wishes his vote for "Lizard People" had been more clearimg.fark.net


(Music and Video headlines are not included)
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Fark headlines of the week, November 10 - November 17. Come for the bungee headline; stay for the dig at the Maple Leafs
Posted by Drew at 2008-11-17 2:22:36 PM, edited 2009-01-19 4:09:43 AM (68 comments) | Permalink

Here's this week's top headlines. Great stuff as usual.

I wanted to take a quick opportunity to thank just a few of the MSM outlets that quoted Fark taglines recently. We really appreciate it. Everyone feel free to do the same, we don't mind a bit. Publicity is good.

Both the Seattle Times and the Las Vegas Review used our headline about the Detroit Lions moving to the 3-and-out offense. The LA Times loved our little ditty about Hendrix, while The Star-Tribune took note of the Domo-Kun sellout at Target and referenced the original Fark photoshop that started the craze. The Baltimore Sun enjoyed our headline about rugby players being inconvenienced during a match when a dead player was removed from the field. And of course, ABCNews is finally agreeing with what Fark has been preaching all along: Florida is stupid.

And we love the mentions and the use of our material, we encourage it. Please link back to us though (we're lookin' at you, MSN).

And for a little It's not Fark, It's News: here's the most important obscure thing that happened last week in case you missed it (and most people did, it's complicated). "Bretton Woods II". Material and research on this is scattershot on the web, for instance Wikipedia redirects "Bretton Woods System" to "2008 G-20 Washington Summit" but that's not exactly right, per se. So read up on that.

Okay, so here's the headlines:

Headlines of the Week, November 10 - November 16, 2008

20 facts about bungee jumping. 20 facts about bungee. 20 facts about. 20 facts. 20

Restraining order issued against Las Vegas' Valley Eye Center. To be written in the smallest font possible

German brothel offers free entry to anyone who gets its logo tattooed on his arm. Gives a whole new meaning to 'tramp stamps'

Doe, my deer, fell from my truck. Hey, just where the hell'd it go? See, anyone see my deer? Far, how far could it have gone?

Zoo janitor decides to give himself a promotion to animal feeder. He was delicious

Study shows same-sex heart transplants to be better. Hordes of people immediately begin attempts to disprove this finding in order to "preserve the sanctity of surgery"

Two arrested after trying to burn down the "Bottoms Up" strip club, charged with attempted arsen

Bag of bones found in Caylee Anthony case; authorites trying to rule out Calista Flockhart sighting

Iran test-fires surface-to-air photoshops

The economic crisis is so deep that bewildered administrators at Harvard are googling terms like "spending cut" and "budget" and "perrier-drinking twatwaffle"


Top Headline for each tab:

Sports:
Pair of Stanley Cup rings stolen in Toronto. Police still trying to determine what two Stanley Cup rings were doing in Toronto

Oakland Raiders offensive coordinator Greg Knapp stripped of play-calling duties. Raiders fans stunned to learn that plays were actually called and not just made up in the huddle, sandlot-style

Culpepper: "Tell me a play that usually works well for you guys and we'll do that." Smith: "... we punt pretty well?" Culpepper: "OK. Let's run up the middle three times and run that"

Business:
QVC to lay off 6 percent of workers. But if you call in now, they'll cut another 10 percent

Steve Jobs can fix American automakers, but the new cars will cost twice as much as Japanese ones, and come only in white

Best Buy cuts profit forecast, warns worst is yet to come, announces plans to change name to "Good Buy"

Geek:
Scientists believe 90 year old Lonesome George's new-found libido could save his species. Hope springs a turtle

Clown control to Mao Tse Tung (T-5)

Politicians want to "name and shame" ISPs who fail to remove offensive material, fail to realize ISPs know no shame

Showbiz:
Witness reports Rod Stewart and Robbie Williams nearly came to blows over Rachel Hunter. It is unclear who tried to blow who

Fox News Channel expected to thrive in Obama presidency as its legions of viewers band together for support against The Enemy, much like goths at the mall food court

Debbie Matenopoulos's husband files for divorce, custody of all remaining vowels

Politics:
Clinton aides say she learned as first lady how to be effective as a "backdoor diplomat", or at least that's what Bill called it

Bishops moving quickly, diagonally, to try to put the Freedom of Choice act into check

Putting his prison training to good use, former Rep. Mark Foley backs out of Today show interview


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Fark headlines of the week, November 3 - November 9
Posted by Drew at 2008-11-10 12:02:20 PM, edited 2009-01-19 4:10:07 AM (21 comments) | Permalink

I'm not sure what to say about this week's headlines, because nothing truly notable happened last week. Nothing at all. Certainly nothing historic or 'unpresidented' in American history.

Nope, nothing at all I can think of.

Headlines of the Week, November 3 - November 9, 2008

Teen survives trash compactor. Local droid praised for quick action

Woman has twins from 13-year-old sperm, surprisingly is not a schoolteacher

Hurricane Paloma slams into Cuba, causing millions of dollars in improvements

Annynay Atestay ansbay affstay omfray oosingyay Atinlay ordsway ecausebay ityay onfusescay oreignersfay

Internet generation found to be bad jurors who are easily distrac

Spunky thieves shoot off with huge load of bull semen

Syphilis raging through Canadians living in the Northwest Territories, at least along the handful whose primary sexual organs haven't frozen off

Study shows elevated death risk after heart attack. No word on Elevated death risk after plane crash, alien invasion or thermonuclear weapons exchange

Rock breaks scissors. Scissors cut paper. Car crushes the hell out of ex-boyfriend's foot

South Dakota buried under four feet of snow in freak November blizzard. Or maybe it happened last month and nobody noticed until now


Top Headline for each tab:

Sports:
Daunte Culpepper says he's absorbing the Detroit Lions' offense as fast as he can, hopes to have both of their plays memorized by Sunday

Johnson grabs pole, tightens grip on points lead. Dick Trickle unavailable for comment

Flyers acquire defenseman Matt Carle to experiment with new game strategy called "defense"

Business:
Starbucks hires new CFO. Hires another CFO across the street

General Motors is almost out of cash and may be forced to give Hummers for food

Brothel revenue falls on soft market and competition from bankers in screwing customers

Geek:
CNN will use hologram technology to beam three-dimensional images of its field correspondents, Lord Vader

Eating apples may head off the flu. Now if only there was some saying we could drum in people's heads to remind them of this

Last week: Pregnant women can drink wine. This week: Pregnant women shouldn't drink coffee. If they were a bit less fussy about what they swallowed in the first place, they wouldn't be in this mess

Showbiz:
Lisa Rinna says she may have gone too far with injectable cosmetic surgery. Well, she didn't say it, her publicist did because Lisa can't get her two bratwurst-sized lips to form any words

Jury determines that Keanu Reeves is totally not heinous

Kevin Bacon's son wants to play James Bond when he grows up. His father might be able to help him, since Kevin Bacon has a lot of connections

Politics:
Obama kids getting a new puppy. Considering a Russian Wolfhound and keeping it in back yard so they can see it from their house

McCain's plane aborts landing. Pro-life conservatives immediately switch their votes to Obama

Palin advises Tina Fey to hang on to her 'Sarah outfit' because she is going to need it for the next four years. Fey unable to comment due to a mouth full of coffin nails as she finishes up the job

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